Peanut butter
New Member
Hi all, I'm posting here because I really really need to know if I'm just over reacting or sensitive with my in laws.
I just became a new mum 6 months back. As with majority of the mums here, I had a 1 month confinement and engaged a confinement nanny during this period.
During the whole 1 month confinement period when all I wanted was peace and quiet with my new born, my in laws came over almost daily! My own parents did come over but they only visited once a week and did not stay long, abt 30 mins the most as they live near by. My in laws stay further away, so to make their trip worth while, they would stay for hours, abt 6-7 hours each day. Even my sis in law came over for most of the visits, so we are talking about the whole village descending down on my house.
When they come over, I feel they are very intrusive and there is a lack of boundaries. How so? They enter the room where my confinement nanny stays and usually it is also where the baby is placed. The baby will be on a small bed on top of the nannies bed. While I'm on the bed with my baby, my mum in law would always proced to lie down right beside my baby and start talking and touching him all over. So my baby is in between us. Is this appropriate for in law to behave or did she cross boundaries already? I would hint to her to please see only but dont touch as baby is sleeping, she would always smile and say "its ok, I'm not disturbing him. " And continue to stroke my baby and talk to him until he wakes up. Then she will look at me and say "oh , he is awake now, it is ok I just hold him? ". I was thinking in my heart, u literally woke him up on purpose so you could hold him. My husband would always say let his mother hold, it's his child and also she is his grandmother.
There are also times when they stay for so long into the night, I just took my baby back to my master bedroom. They would literally sit outside on my sofa and WAIT for the baby to cry. In which my mother in law would push open the door to my bed room and ask me if I would like to pass my baby to her as baby is crying. Can anyone please tell me is she being helpful or she just wants baby to herself? I always refuse to hand my baby over to her and say I will handle him myself. After which she will reluctantly and slowly leave the room.
There was also one time my husband and I were sleeping in our bed room with the baby. The door was half closed. The whole family arrived and my helper let them into our house. My sis in proceeded to enter into our bedroom while we were asleep and stood beside my baby cot staring at him sleeping. I got the shock of my life when I woke up because I felt someone standing next to my bed. After which, I felt this was too much and told my husband , he did talk to them, after which they nvr did enter our bedroom anymore without permission.
BUT, fast forward to when my baby was about 3 months, my husband and I left for a short holiday as we had already booked this in advance. We had requested the help of my own parents and in law to stay over at our house to watch the helper and the baby. As the helper bed is king size, my mil can sleep on the other side of the bed, and the baby is in same room as helper. BUT, because my in law were afraid the helper would BULLY my mother in law, my sis in law ended up staying over our house as well. So they requested that they sleep on OUR bed in the master bedroom. Oh and my father in law stayed too, so the whole family slept on our bed. I don't know if I'm being sensitive on this. Not to mention, when my in laws stayed over they insisted the baby slept in the same room as them instead of with the helper, and because my in law are afraid of falling over in the dark, they proceeded to turn on all lights in my bedroom and sleep. This despite me already telling them baby is to sleep with light off at night. I happen to see this on CCTV when I was at the hotel and told my husband. He immediately called them and it becomes a 2 hours heated argument with my in laws arguing that their safety is more important then the baby sleep schedule. The father in law also kept repeating should they fall in our house, he will hold us responsible since we insist the bedroom light shld be off. I was so angry!
Now I am putting my baby in infant care since me and my husband are back to work. But the in laws insisted that they want to pick up the baby in the afternoon as they want access to the baby and also don't want him to stay too long in the centre. I'm ok with this arrangement as I also don't want my baby to be left too long in the centre. But i just dread the last feeling of my in lawd spending unsupervised and alone time with my baby, which is something they are vry vry happy about. Every time I take leave, it will be days they are scheduled to come over, because I just dont want them alone with my baby. When they are around my baby in my presence, they do strange things as well such as pulling the baby cot away from me when they are here and planting themselves firmly around my baby so there is no space for me to join them or sit close to them.
I talked to my husband on all these and he either gets angry with me or defend their behavior, saying I have misunderstood them and that his parents are the most sweetest and kindest person he has ever known. He defends them fiercely and even threatens divorce when I argue back.
I have a few times thought of just leaving the house when they are here. But I cant bear to leave my precious baby with them.
I'm really frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone face similar issues and any advice how to cope?
Many thanks.
I just became a new mum 6 months back. As with majority of the mums here, I had a 1 month confinement and engaged a confinement nanny during this period.
During the whole 1 month confinement period when all I wanted was peace and quiet with my new born, my in laws came over almost daily! My own parents did come over but they only visited once a week and did not stay long, abt 30 mins the most as they live near by. My in laws stay further away, so to make their trip worth while, they would stay for hours, abt 6-7 hours each day. Even my sis in law came over for most of the visits, so we are talking about the whole village descending down on my house.
When they come over, I feel they are very intrusive and there is a lack of boundaries. How so? They enter the room where my confinement nanny stays and usually it is also where the baby is placed. The baby will be on a small bed on top of the nannies bed. While I'm on the bed with my baby, my mum in law would always proced to lie down right beside my baby and start talking and touching him all over. So my baby is in between us. Is this appropriate for in law to behave or did she cross boundaries already? I would hint to her to please see only but dont touch as baby is sleeping, she would always smile and say "its ok, I'm not disturbing him. " And continue to stroke my baby and talk to him until he wakes up. Then she will look at me and say "oh , he is awake now, it is ok I just hold him? ". I was thinking in my heart, u literally woke him up on purpose so you could hold him. My husband would always say let his mother hold, it's his child and also she is his grandmother.
There are also times when they stay for so long into the night, I just took my baby back to my master bedroom. They would literally sit outside on my sofa and WAIT for the baby to cry. In which my mother in law would push open the door to my bed room and ask me if I would like to pass my baby to her as baby is crying. Can anyone please tell me is she being helpful or she just wants baby to herself? I always refuse to hand my baby over to her and say I will handle him myself. After which she will reluctantly and slowly leave the room.
There was also one time my husband and I were sleeping in our bed room with the baby. The door was half closed. The whole family arrived and my helper let them into our house. My sis in proceeded to enter into our bedroom while we were asleep and stood beside my baby cot staring at him sleeping. I got the shock of my life when I woke up because I felt someone standing next to my bed. After which, I felt this was too much and told my husband , he did talk to them, after which they nvr did enter our bedroom anymore without permission.
BUT, fast forward to when my baby was about 3 months, my husband and I left for a short holiday as we had already booked this in advance. We had requested the help of my own parents and in law to stay over at our house to watch the helper and the baby. As the helper bed is king size, my mil can sleep on the other side of the bed, and the baby is in same room as helper. BUT, because my in law were afraid the helper would BULLY my mother in law, my sis in law ended up staying over our house as well. So they requested that they sleep on OUR bed in the master bedroom. Oh and my father in law stayed too, so the whole family slept on our bed. I don't know if I'm being sensitive on this. Not to mention, when my in laws stayed over they insisted the baby slept in the same room as them instead of with the helper, and because my in law are afraid of falling over in the dark, they proceeded to turn on all lights in my bedroom and sleep. This despite me already telling them baby is to sleep with light off at night. I happen to see this on CCTV when I was at the hotel and told my husband. He immediately called them and it becomes a 2 hours heated argument with my in laws arguing that their safety is more important then the baby sleep schedule. The father in law also kept repeating should they fall in our house, he will hold us responsible since we insist the bedroom light shld be off. I was so angry!
Now I am putting my baby in infant care since me and my husband are back to work. But the in laws insisted that they want to pick up the baby in the afternoon as they want access to the baby and also don't want him to stay too long in the centre. I'm ok with this arrangement as I also don't want my baby to be left too long in the centre. But i just dread the last feeling of my in lawd spending unsupervised and alone time with my baby, which is something they are vry vry happy about. Every time I take leave, it will be days they are scheduled to come over, because I just dont want them alone with my baby. When they are around my baby in my presence, they do strange things as well such as pulling the baby cot away from me when they are here and planting themselves firmly around my baby so there is no space for me to join them or sit close to them.
I talked to my husband on all these and he either gets angry with me or defend their behavior, saying I have misunderstood them and that his parents are the most sweetest and kindest person he has ever known. He defends them fiercely and even threatens divorce when I argue back.
I have a few times thought of just leaving the house when they are here. But I cant bear to leave my precious baby with them.
I'm really frustrated and don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone face similar issues and any advice how to cope?
Many thanks.