MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

[pinkylove]

MIL's usually will target the DIL's first instead of own son if they r unhappy. I have personal experience of mil always complaining abt sil , blaming her for things. But i think bil also played a main part. Both bil/ sil stays with my PIL and very dependant on PIL for most things Don't worry this is pretty normal, jus ignore her 'black face' and continue be happy/ smiling. Over time, probably she will realise nobody is paying attention to her 'black face'. The more she thinks she can 'affect' u, the more she will do her 'black face' ...
is your son the 1st grandkid? Probably she is over-anxious, but she should know her place

my child is not the 1st grandchild. she has grandchildren from my brother in law and she was the caregiver then.
I think with her "experience" of taking care the grandchildren, she tend to "teach" me what to do. I am more than happy to seek opinion from her and even learn from her but to a certain limit. I have to filter what is good or suit my child. For an example, my nephew used to reject milk and didn't take much milk, but my bb is a milk monster. whenever I make milk for my BB, she will comment, why give so fast? and when my BB can finish everything and I add alittle more on the next feedm she will comment, why give so much milk? But I know that my BB is different from my nephew, but she insist that I follow the amount she used to give for my nephew. ( I don't think its right cos every baby is different) I know my BB require this amount, so I just go ahead to make and she will black face ( for not listening to her)
there are many things which of similar scenario and she keep having the impression that I don't obey her and her black face keep showing up
what to do? I am staying with her and under her radar.
what you say is right, the more affected I am from her black face, the more she will do it... cos she feel that she has impacted me and will have superior complex.

 

[memy]

Yes, i think u have to set the rules concerning your baby and if really canot, probably talk to your hb about it, perhaps he can try to talk some sense with ur mil. Usually mil listens/ respect their sons' wishes better. The best is stay separate if can .....

 

[eruyps]

Often we heard of bad mother in law but there are also a lot of bad sister and brother in law as well as daughter in law. But nobody will say anything bout it. My sil is a prc, she stays with my mil, surprisingly both don't talk not even talk to her son. Sil cooked lunch or dinner only meant for her own family members to consume not for my mil and fil, so both elderly got to go packet their meal everyday. My mil did not mention anything to me, it was me who realize something is not right in that family! So I asked my daughter. She told me that "ah ma got to buy lunch and dinner back everyday " my mil looking after my baby, guess what, milk powder or bottles got to keep in my mil room. Even baby clothes and their clothes got to hand wash in their toilet. Wtf. Whenever I saw her, she pretended to be very kind to my son and mil, so I also put on a fake smile to her. How much does it really cost for her to cook for them to eat? Since she is on her way too. Just hate prc and her son also don't talk to parents. Won't comment much on my sil to my mil as God can see. Next time their children grow up will treat them back the same way.

 

[memy]

i feel that i can relate to u on that. I also experienced something not right with my bil/ sil and my Pil family since married. SIL does not do any chores nor cook. Everything is done by mil and fil also fetch the grandkids to n fro school while the couple sleeps till near noon daily. The couple gives little $ to Pil, but Pil of course will dote on the grandkids and buy them good things. Pil doesnt have much savings and even no insurance.
I as outsider and new to the family hardly have any right to say anything. Even if i talk to mil (she complains all the time abt mistreatment), she eventually will change mind, and say nevermind, she willing to do for them...

 

[piglet02]

Hi. I'm currently feeling extremely heartache. Mil has been teaching my 15mth old to call her mama despite me trying to tell her that mama is me. It's very heart breaking when my Son calls her mama the same way he calls me. That I'm now hiding in my room crying.
I think she went overboard because she never taught her on children to call grannies mama but ah Ma.
This means a lot to me. I tried so hard for a baby, to so painstakingly carry and give birth to one. Only to have him being taught calling someone else mama.

I'm awfully disgusted by it. And the fact that she comes over every day irks me to the core.

Hi my girl call my mil mama. My mum as ah ma. I teach my girl to call me mummy. Mama is also have the same meaning as ah ma. Different way of calling ah ma. Like call grandfather as ah gong or yeye. Don't be too upset. I felt the I prefer to be call mummy very sweet one. U try.

 

[fr0stie]

In Teochew the grandma is called Mama..

I'm called Mummy.

And the other grandma is called Ah Ma.

Don't be too sad; very soon the little one will be able to differentiate. Teach her to say Mummy..

 

[shoppixe]

My girl used to call me Mama, then evolved to Mummy (it was very sweet sounding) Now short cut "Ah Ma!!!"
Same for my hubby... Now called "Ah Pa!!!".
Only when she wants something we get called Mummy and Daddy.
As for pil, regardless of dialect we stick to Chinese convention and we settled it BEFORE dd was born. YeYe, NaiNai, GongGong, PoPo. Cos all our dialects are different...
For the longest time DD cld not pronounce YeYe and called FiL wowwow (like dog barking sounds). FiL also responds fervently.
At the end of the day, ur child will still identify you as a parent de.

Pil all like to give 'expert opinion'... But since day 1 I let everyone know I'm a psycho tiger mum. I have very high stds... So everyone now 'scared' to take care of DD also. We only had DD at my pil place for 6mths they a bit buay tahan. Think they might have held a celebration when we brought DD back to my mums place.
I openly told everyone when it comes to DD I dun trust anyone, not even my hubby.
I check dd head to toe everyday when I'm back in front of pil. Got mozzie bite will ask, got small bruises will ask, got rash will ask.
DD eat how much, drink how much, poop how much, sleep how much all ask. DD sick every hour send me temp report. Better still photo of the thermometer reading.
So after a while... Wear them out.
Now they are satisfied w just seeing DD over the weekend.
No more incessant complaints abt wanting to see DD all the time. I'm so glad this strategy worked!!!

 

[memy]

hahaha! shoppixe, ur story bring a smile to me. Glad your strategy worked and u have the forethought before hand
way to go!

 

[Evon21]

Hi all.. Im not staying with my PIL for now and we're already having conflicts! I wonder what's going to happen when we stay together next time. I understand that she is old (70yo) but shouldnt be more sensitive towards certain issues? I suffered miscarriage just 2 wks before cny as the baby did not grow. I did confinement at my parents plc, she did not feel thankful yet said things like her son very poor thing, gotta wake up early every morning send me to my parents plc etc. When we went over for reunion dinner, she cant be bothered to cook anything which i can eat. All the food prepared were her son's favourite (my hubby is e one and only child). They dont eat veggies, they (cantonese) eat lots of meat. I went see TCM to tiao my body back, she said TCM med eat alrdi will die -_-"" She even said i miscarriaged bcoz i ate TCM during my pregnancy. During dinner, she even said their relatives asked if im pregnant. I told her that she can jolly well tell them i had a miscarriage, she said not nice. I was really pissed off during e cny eve. During their dinner, i called my parents ask them to cook some stuff for me. I shall go back there when done at in-law plc. Before we left, she told us to place 2 mini oranges and 2 arrowheads on our bed's headboard symbolises 添丁. My hubby follow suit. They are very insensitive to my feelings. Prior to cny, alrdi checked with hubby which of his relatives we are visiting. Everything has been arranged and planned. Yday early morning she called hubby telling him, need to go.5th aunt plc coz they were asking abt us. I was like ok.. we shall go on Sat. She called again at night telling us to go to his cousin's plc on Sun coz he went to visit her yday. My hubby just cancelled off my V day plan just bcoz of that! I was seriously pissed off! I dun wish to.go to his aunt plc coz she is e one who asked abt pregnancy, if she ever asked in front of me.. i think i will just burst out crying. The heartache is still there. He just dun understand. I seriously dun like my MIL, she always talk without thinking. My hubby always ignore my feelings, whatever it is are all my fault. I feel like filing for divorce. Till now he still said bb alrdi no more y heart pain? He said it as though that's not his baby.

 

[srjk]

Hi all.. Im not staying with my PIL for now and we're already having conflicts! I wonder what's going to happen when we stay together next time. I understand that she is old (70yo) but shouldnt be more sensitive towards certain issues? I suffered miscarriage just 2 wks before cny as the baby did not grow. I did confinement at my parents plc, she did not feel thankful yet said things like her son very poor thing, gotta wake up early every morning send me to my parents plc etc. When we went over for reunion dinner, she cant be bothered to cook anything which i can eat. All the food prepared were her son's favourite (my hubby is e one and only child). They dont eat veggies, they (cantonese) eat lots of meat. I went see TCM to tiao my body back, she said TCM med eat alrdi will die -_-"" She even said i miscarriaged bcoz i ate TCM during my pregnancy. During dinner, she even said their relatives asked if im pregnant. I told her that she can jolly well tell them i had a miscarriage, she said not nice. I was really pissed off during e cny eve. During their dinner, i called my parents ask them to cook some stuff for me. I shall go back there when done at in-law plc. Before we left, she told us to place 2 mini oranges and 2 arrowheads on our bed's headboard symbolises 添丁. My hubby follow suit. They are very insensitive to my feelings. Prior to cny, alrdi checked with hubby which of his relatives we are visiting. Everything has been arranged and planned. Yday early morning she called hubby telling him, need to go.5th aunt plc coz they were asking abt us. I was like ok.. we shall go on Sat. She called again at night telling us to go to his cousin's plc on Sun coz he went to visit her yday. My hubby just cancelled off my V day plan just bcoz of that! I was seriously pissed off! I dun wish to.go to his aunt plc coz she is e one who asked abt pregnancy, if she ever asked in front of me.. i think i will just burst out crying. The heartache is still there. He just dun understand. I seriously dun like my MIL, she always talk without thinking. My hubby always ignore my feelings, whatever it is are all my fault. I feel like filing for divorce. Till now he still said bb alrdi no more y heart pain? He said it as though that's not his baby.

This kind of mil, Just avoid as much as u can . No use fighting or getting upset with hubby if not you will end up regretting it.

 

[Evon21]

This kind of mil, Just avoid as much as u can . No use fighting or getting upset with hubby if not you will end up regretting it.

Hi srjk, i would love to avoid my MIL. I cant. We still have to go back visit them as and when to check on them. She will also keep calling my hubby asking if we are going back for meals. Whenever we went back, all the food doesnt suit me. All meaty dishes... Haiz.. my hubby always listen to his mom. Before marriage is not lidat lor.. after marriage he does whatever his mom says.. even accompanying me to see doc during pregnancy and when bb diagnose not growing. she said im wasting his leaves. His leave should be saved for their own medical appt. Im so sick and tired of the mother and son.

 

[richiemccaw]

@Evon21 - you have to hang on in there. Everyone has their problems. I hope both your husband and you can talk it through nicely to iron things out..

 

[srjk]

Hi srjk, i would love to avoid my MIL. I cant. We still have to go back visit them as and when to check on them. She will also keep calling my hubby asking if we are going back for meals. Whenever we went back, all the food doesnt suit me. All meaty dishes... Haiz.. my hubby always listen to his mom. Before marriage is not lidat lor.. after marriage he does whatever his mom says.. even accompanying me to see doc during pregnancy and when bb diagnose not growing. she said im wasting his leaves. His leave should be saved for their own medical appt. Im so sick and tired of the mother and son.

Make excuses not to see her lo. Eventually your hubby will get the message haha

 

[shoppixe]

Hi all.. Im not staying with my PIL for now and we're already having conflicts! I wonder what's going to happen when we stay together next time. I understand that she is old (70yo) but shouldnt be more sensitive towards certain issues? I suffered miscarriage just 2 wks before cny as the baby did not grow. I did confinement at my parents plc, she did not feel thankful yet said things like her son very poor thing, gotta wake up early every morning send me to my parents plc etc. When we went over for reunion dinner, she cant be bothered to cook anything which i can eat. All the food prepared were her son's favourite (my hubby is e one and only child). They dont eat veggies, they (cantonese) eat lots of meat. I went see TCM to tiao my body back, she said TCM med eat alrdi will die -_-"" She even said i miscarriaged bcoz i ate TCM during my pregnancy. During dinner, she even said their relatives asked if im pregnant. I told her that she can jolly well tell them i had a miscarriage, she said not nice. I was really pissed off during e cny eve. During their dinner, i called my parents ask them to cook some stuff for me. I shall go back there when done at in-law plc. Before we left, she told us to place 2 mini oranges and 2 arrowheads on our bed's headboard symbolises 添丁. My hubby follow suit. They are very insensitive to my feelings. Prior to cny, alrdi checked with hubby which of his relatives we are visiting. Everything has been arranged and planned. Yday early morning she called hubby telling him, need to go.5th aunt plc coz they were asking abt us. I was like ok.. we shall go on Sat. She called again at night telling us to go to his cousin's plc on Sun coz he went to visit her yday. My hubby just cancelled off my V day plan just bcoz of that! I was seriously pissed off! I dun wish to.go to his aunt plc coz she is e one who asked abt pregnancy, if she ever asked in front of me.. i think i will just burst out crying. The heartache is still there. He just dun understand. I seriously dun like my MIL, she always talk without thinking. My hubby always ignore my feelings, whatever it is are all my fault. I feel like filing for divorce. Till now he still said bb alrdi no more y heart pain? He said it as though that's not his baby.

Just to share when I had a miscarriage, my mil came to the hospital to ask if it's something I ate that caused it. Imagine that I just had an operation and still crying in the hospital. I held back, told hubby it's a long commute therefore ask mil dun come. And u know what she never came ever after. No surprise there. After we met after my 'mini' confinement, she asked if I have a weak womb. I cried and cried after alone. A word of advice for mil who do Not Have daughters, they r more insensitive. So ignore them. I did speak to my hubby and said some hurtful things to him abt his mum. But if ur hubby loves u truly he will understand.
Just do whatever that makes u comfortable. See who u want to see, so what you want to do. Just take care of urself. Take a stand that ur own mental and emotional health in first priority. Men dun carry the baby, so they dun feel it... Although they dun feel it it doesn't mean shld not care abt their wife's well being. Try talking abt it w him.
Take good care of urself first then bother abt what ppl think. No point bothering abt everyone else.

 

[Evon21]

Make excuses not to see her lo. Eventually your hubby will get the message haha

srjk, if he gets the message, he would have gotten it long ago. I alrdi told him so many times not that i dont wanna eat at her plc, just that her cooking is only meant for e son. He sides his mother no matter what.

 

[Evon21]

Just to share when I had a miscarriage, my mil came to the hospital to ask if it's something I ate that caused it. Imagine that I just had an operation and still crying in the hospital. I held back, told hubby it's a long commute therefore ask mil dun come. And u know what she never came ever after. No surprise there. After we met after my 'mini' confinement, she asked if I have a weak womb. I cried and cried after alone. A word of advice for mil who do Not Have daughters, they r more insensitive. So ignore them. I did speak to my hubby and said some hurtful things to him abt his mum. But if ur hubby loves u truly he will understand.
Just do whatever that makes u comfortable. See who u want to see, so what you want to do. Just take care of urself. Take a stand that ur own mental and emotional health in first priority. Men dun carry the baby, so they dun feel it... Although they dun feel it it doesn't mean shld not care abt their wife's well being. Try talking abt it w him.
Take good care of urself first then bother abt what ppl think. No point bothering abt everyone else.

Hi Shoppixe, my parents told me to be filial to my in-laws as they are 12-14 yrs older than my parents. I alrdi told him how i felt esp when i was facing the fact that my baby is gone. Pre and post surgery, his mom seriously talk without brains. Her own DIL is suffering a miscarriage, yet she still said relatives are asking if im pregnant and said so and so DIL pregnant. I told my hubby, his mom is very insensitive. He said she doesnt mean it. I told him, she would not have said anything if she dont mean it. Besides she always spoil our plan for other stuff by just a call. She even told me she took care of everything for him since young, so he dunno how to take care of wife. I told her in a nice manner that becoz of her doings, that's y we always quarrel. Becoz she did not teach her son properly, we always quarrel. She still repeat the same thing again and ask me dun quarrel with the son coz he has no fault. Here im having stomach cramp yet he doesnt bother, doesnt care. Even asked me to pay half the medical fees next day aft my surgery.

 

[shoppixe]

Hi Shoppixe, my parents told me to be filial to my in-laws as they are 12-14 yrs older than my parents. I alrdi told him how i felt esp when i was facing the fact that my baby is gone. Pre and post surgery, his mom seriously talk without brains. Her own DIL is suffering a miscarriage, yet she still said relatives are asking if im pregnant and said so and so DIL pregnant. I told my hubby, his mom is very insensitive. He said she doesnt mean it. I told him, she would not have said anything if she dont mean it. Besides she always spoil our plan for other stuff by just a call. She even told me she took care of everything for him since young, so he dunno how to take care of wife. I told her in a nice manner that becoz of her doings, that's y we always quarrel. Becoz she did not teach her son properly, we always quarrel. She still repeat the same thing again and ask me dun quarrel with the son coz he has no fault. Here im having stomach cramp yet he doesnt bother, doesnt care. Even asked me to pay half the medical fees next day aft my surgery.

To put it nicely u r dil, to put it bluntly u r a women whom the son married to give grandchildren. So just get used to it. Lower ur expectation Low low then won feel much. Now w my DD, mil still says the darnest things. So pls dun expect them to change.
As for ur hubby, before u marriage there must be positive points as to why u married him. My hubby also everything dunno and dun wanna do. Cos hsewife mom did everything for him. She wld even open his letters and read one!!! After a storming period we found our point of compromise. Marriage is a long road.
Maybe he din realise that asking u abt money when the hurt is still "fresh" is insensitive. Pls do not underestimate how insensitive "only sons" are. They dun mean it but they dun realise it.

 

[richiemccaw]

Yes indeed. There must have been quite a few reasons why you married him! Try to remember what these points are and see the good in people. It will help you bear with everything just that bit better.

 

[september]

Evon, hv good talk wif ur hb....sort out the differences and speak out all the unhappiness both of u hv with each other. But u muz know, he is his mother son, so it is right that he treat her nice, coz afterall he wont exist without her. and thus, if u keep talking bad abt his mother, ur r/s gng to suffer. Man may initially side u and understand ur unhappiness....but after awhile, they might side their mother, coz they always hear u talk bad abt her but their mother nv badmouth u....and to them whatever their mother say or do is nv with a bad intention.....

 

[Evon21]

We did have small talks occasionally to voice out things that we doesnt like abt each othet in our daily life. We did come to compromise. My husband agrees to everything his mom said, even when she said he should save his leave for his parents medical appts and i shouldn't bother him abt checkups from my pregnancy period till my surgery. She said i wasted his leaves. She said she can go on her own last time why cant I. Throughout my pregnancy period, he cant be bothered when im unwell. The very day i felt unwell on abdominal, i asked him sent me to gynae, He was at his mom plc and told me go c doc myself. That was the day the first gynae said bb not growing. Called, messaged and no reply and came back very late n he said his mom.asked him stayed for dinner. This kind of husband still can stay with? My husband has never take and think on my side since beginning. Whenever if any arguements, he will say im in fault, i created the mess. I never do my duty as a wife like housework, serve him drinks, iron his clothes etc etc etc..

No matter how much i dun like my MIL, i will still go back visit her every weekend but not stay for dinner. Will call and asked if she need anything from supermart etc so that she doesnt need to carry those by herself. I knw she is desperate for grandchild esp grandson, she has to be sensitive to my feelings now. The pain is not over.

 

[shoppixe]

Oh then the problem doesn't lie in ur mil. It lies w ur hubby. Cos the decision to spend time w who all lies in his court nothing to do w his mom. I have a daughter now. If my daughter was treated like this, I will be very heart pain.
Sorry I'm cruder, if it was me I'll tell my hubby since u want to spend all ur time w ur mum caring for her and ur mum wants a kid. Go F ur mom. Don't touch me.
I really dun think one shld neglect the wife till dun accompany for checks. Why is leave considered wasted on accompanying ones spouse and unborn child?! Now Liddat next time how? Give birth le throw u aside?
My hubby initially also thot I was exaggerating abt the abdominal pain but still accompanied me thru out. After my surgery he apologized saying he shld not have thot that. So even if one thinks it's trival if u care enuff u will compromise and just do it.
Having a child next time will have even more trials and tribulations. Having a good support in ur spouse will be impt. I think u need to ask urself seriously is this the man whom u can count on for better or worse. That, only u know.

 

[MummyAiko]

I think is important for hubby to accompany for gynae visit because it is his child too. This morning I had a nightmare before my visit about losing my child and although hubby was really busy at work he still squeeze out that hour to accompany me. I think I cannot take it if something really happens and he is not around.

As for those wifely duties you mentioned, it just sounds like a maid! Omg who expects the wife to serve drinks? Need to remove his shoes or not?

I think your hubby needs to change his mindset first.

 

[Evon21]

Well, his mother has been doing everything for him since young, to the extend of washing his underwear till just before married, picking up his dirty socks for washing etc. My MIL still has the cheek to tell me not to quarrel with my hubby coz he is alrdi tired and stressed at work. I shouldnt bother him with trival matters. Sick then take care of myself. They only think of themselves. This kind of mindset has been cultivated by his mom, doubt there will be any changes. I told him, since u think ur mom is going to take care of u till u die then by all means move back and get all the necessary 母奶

 

[tensilestrain]

Evon21, my hb was being served by his mum and 3 sisters. After married, i was expected to do everything too. If he did anything, he was just helping me do my work. If he was sick, i must be by his side 24/7, attending to his needs. But i never get the same treatment when i am sick.

Looking back at my marriage, i learn to love myself more. As for my mil, minimum contact. I still visit her every Sat as it is impt for her to see my children. But i don't really talk to her.

The most important thing is take good care of myself. No point getting upset with people who don't appreciate me or take me for granted. But it is important for me to show my unhappiness when it is about parenting rights. Must let people know that they crossed the line. If not, they always think they are 'just helping out'.

I can't change my hb mindset. So i lower my expectation.

 

[Evon21]

Evon21, my hb was being served by his mum and 3 sisters. After married, i was expected to do everything too. If he did anything, he was just helping me do my work. If he was sick, i must be by his side 24/7, attending to his needs. But i never get the same treatment when i am sick.

Looking back at my marriage, i learn to love myself more. As for my mil, minimum contact. I still visit her every Sat as it is impt for her to see my children. But i don't really talk to her.

The most important thing is take good care of myself. No point getting upset with people who don't appreciate me or take me for granted. But it is important for me to show my unhappiness when it is about parenting rights. Must let people know that they crossed the line. If not, they always think they are 'just helping out'.

I can't change my hb mindset. So i lower my expectation.

Hi, from the way im treated since marriage till miscarriage. Dont really can see any future ahead. I dont expect much from him, but a simple duty to take care of wife failed him. Things are going to be worst in future. Guys... they treat u nice during courtship to get u agree to marry them. Once married, forgotten all the vows and promises he made on the wedding day. Well, i should leave and let them find another person who suits their family culture. By then will be 家和万事兴

 

[shoppixe]

Same as my hubby, dun even know how to use washing machine. No joke.
Are u working as well? If u r working too, I do not think its a fair statement that ur hubby is stressed therefore doesn't have do a single thing.
Hubby has come a long way w me, he now does laundry and hang clothes without being asked...
But not without heated rows or quarrels. As both our characters are very strong.
As for mil, she doesn't dare comment cos I literally force my hubby to fold clothes in front of her. Then comment that hubby hAs such a good life so big dun nd to fold clothes!!! Nvm I start him now!

 

[Evon21]

Same as my hubby, dun even know how to use washing machine. No joke.
Are u working as well? If u r working too, I do not think its a fair statement that ur hubby is stressed therefore doesn't have do a single thing.
Hubby has come a long way w me, he now does laundry and hang clothes without being asked...
But not without heated rows or quarrels. As both our characters are very strong.
As for mil, she doesn't dare comment cos I literally force my hubby to fold clothes in front of her. Then comment that hubby hAs such a good life so big dun nd to fold clothes!!! Nvm I start him now!

Yup im working, regular ofc hrs. Sometimes gotta bring work home and do over weekend. He drives and work ends much earlier than me. I will always see him lie on sofa watch tv whenever im back home, sometimes have to buy dinner or snacks for him as well. He is back home much earlier, should at least help to boil water la... Yet he complaint i nv help him replenish the water in the fridge. I dont take cold drinks seldom open fridge, how kn earth would i knw is the bottle full or not. I will refill if i see it. He will simply use all e water for his bottle and nv boil. I can always wake up having no water for my own use. His mother said "boil water only mah.. u r wife, u should do it" I lost my baby his mom in particular still asking and saying abt it. He jus sat there keep quiet do his own thing.

 

[Stargirl2015]

Yup im working, regular ofc hrs. Sometimes gotta bring work home and do over weekend. He drives and work ends much earlier than me. I will always see him lie on sofa watch tv whenever im back home, sometimes have to buy dinner or snacks for him as well. He is back home much earlier, should at least help to boil water la... Yet he complaint i nv help him replenish the water in the fridge. I dont take cold drinks seldom open fridge, how kn earth would i knw is the bottle full or not. I will refill if i see it. He will simply use all e water for his bottle and nv boil. I can always wake up having no water for my own use. His mother said "boil water only mah.. u r wife, u should do it" I lost my baby his mom in particular still asking and saying abt it. He jus sat there keep quiet do his own thing.

Why some guys are so lazy , don't bother to help out basic household chores. When i feedback to my MIL that his son don't help out while i am busy with my new born, she will comments things like " You are not good at household chores. Some guys are not suitable for marriage lifen" When my mum talk to my MIL about asking him to help out , my MIL will comment " 没用就当rubbish , throw in rubbish bin . " My mum is shock at her reply. I placed my baby with my mother care in my mum house. As i am still breast feeding , it is more convenient to stay at my mum place while i am back to work. When my MIL know that i never go back my own place to sleep , she called me at midnight to scold me. Never consider the timing that my baby and i are sleeping. Say things like " I am 霸道. Do things the ways i want. My house is like 鬼屋， as only my husband and one dog is staying there. She expect me to go back more often to accompany her son and do household chores. She never think I am very busy with my work during day time , and busy with my baby when i reached my mum's home at night. Her son is more relaxed. After work , go home , play with dog and pc , go sleep. I already told my husband i very dulan with his mum. Told him i Already blacklist her number in my hp, stop her from calling me in the middle of the night. Will minimise the contacts with her from now onwards. Hope she will not interfere with our life any more. If she still continue , i will tell her very clearly my point.

 

[shoppixe]

Wah call midnight to say useless things?! Nursing mums need all the sleep they can get Loh!!!
That's very inconsiderate.
Well, in one of my arguments w my hubby I even said "u dun wanna do ur share can!!! Ask ur mom come over to our place and do for u. Cos I'm not doing. Not as if she has anything better to do all day." (Cos she hsewife)
My mom very 絕 also, when my pil come over to my mum place see DD, she will say things like Aiya now working very stressful, my girl ah work until 10pm... Aiya one income also difficult for to support family. Nowadays life very tough. I see me daughter I also heart pain... Purposely say so that pil 知難而退. Pre-emptive strike. Don't dare come up w funny funny pattern.

 

[MistyCloud]

For PIL that expect DIL to do all housework, we should tell them back that we expect their son to bring in all income. How to handle all housework when we need to work too? Sheesh.

 

[pixie ng]

Hi, from the way im treated since marriage till miscarriage. Dont really can see any future ahead. I dont expect much from him, but a simple duty to take care of wife failed him. Things are going to be worst in future. Guys... they treat u nice during courtship to get u agree to marry them. Once married, forgotten all the vows and promises he made on the wedding day. Well, i should leave and let them find another person who suits their family culture. By then will be 家和万事兴

Not all guys are like that... my hub dun do housework when he lives with his parents. But after he moves to live with me, he does housework because i told him i dun do any housework. All my housework is done by part time maid who come every sunday. After marriage, housework is all done by him or the part time maid.

Next mth i will be giving birth and will become sahm... so the plan also same.. he is the sole breadwinner coz he earns more than me. So is logical that i quit my job to take care of my twins. But as what i have said during dating n before i agree to marry him and during marriage, housework will never be my responsibility. He has agreed so it is his responsibility... of course now & then i will help out tiny bits but there's no obligation on my side

 

[september]

Evon21,

Ur mil is a pain in the neck, but ur hb seem to be worst. He is nt only his mother firm followers, he is only a puppet who hv no brain to think at all! To me, gynae check up it is impt for hb to go too....so he can see and build tat little bond wif bb. And if like in ur case, bb hv no heartbeat, it is a major issue, he is expected to be there. If everything, he is also nt there, then why do I need a hb for? I might as well get a sperm donor to get pregnant and be mother tat all!

If ur hb attitude is nt gng to change, I dun think u all shd hv kids yet....

 

[eruyps]

For PIL that expect DIL to do all housework, we should tell them back that we expect their son to bring in all income. How to handle all housework when we need to work too? Sheesh.

But even though I'm not staying with my mil, house got no maid, am also working retail hours, got 3 children, I make it a point to wake up early at 8am to do house work then go to work at 10am, then reach home at 11 pm before I could settle down, will do house work again till 2 am everyday. For me, my husband will help me out when he is off, but I will tell him to look after my little son just play with him that will be enough, at the end of the day my loved ones are the one staying in that house , nobody likes a dirty place.

 

[pixie ng]

Hello all, I potentially foresee me going through these problems that you all are facing in the near future. I'm not married yet, and I'm thinking of calling the marriage off as I can't get along with his mother, and I think things will become worse in future. Furthermore he's the only son. Should I just, walk away? Instead of facing such problems in future, might as well not give the MIL a chance to create conflicts in the first place (by not being my MIL).

Is all depending on you... how much you cherish the relationship..

For me, during dating i already told my hub that i am daughter in law from hell. I duno those chinese traditional dil stuffs as im never traditional person. If a person respect me, i will respect them back and this is how i live. Imagine other people wedding march in song is those romantic ones, mine is "dear future husband" by meghan trainor.. lol..

I think most important is before marriage discuss what is your expectation and his expectation. Do not assume.

 

[richiemccaw]

Hello all, I potentially foresee me going through these problems that you all are facing in the near future. I'm not married yet, and I'm thinking of calling the marriage off as I can't get along with his mother, and I think things will become worse in future. Furthermore he's the only son. Should I just, walk away? Instead of facing such problems in future, might as well not give the MIL a chance to create conflicts in the first place (by not being my MIL).

Perhaps instead of walking away now, it would be good to think of 'how can we resolve this'. You would find yourselves being a lot more creative than just feeling like there is only a dead end. Hang on in there! Dont give up so easily..

 

[srjk]

Hello all, I potentially foresee me going through these problems that you all are facing in the near future. I'm not married yet, and I'm thinking of calling the marriage off as I can't get along with his mother, and I think things will become worse in future. Furthermore he's the only son. Should I just, walk away? Instead of facing such problems in future, might as well not give the MIL a chance to create conflicts in the first place (by not being my MIL).

Don't give up if the guy is worth it! You are not marrying his mother. Just stay away from her as much as possible to prevent conflicts

 

[srjk]

Insist on not staying together! But make sure if u have kids in future u can look after them/ let maid look after or if not u will be like me.. Had to quit my 12k job to look after baby..coz I love my baby too much haha.
You are definitely not obliged to give them any money! I don't even give my parents money although they put me through Uni overseas
One last point, u can definitely stay away from her! My hubby is only son, I minimise contact with mil to reduce conflicts as she is a very negative person and likes to make stupid comments . U can be straightforward and just be blunt if u think the comments she make are stupid . Since she can show u black face then why can't u right .
P/s: no need to visit first day la. Next time tell her cny is just another day.. If happy everyday also can meet! That's what I told my mil

 

[srjk]

Haha if gotta quit job shd be my bf quit cause I earn more than him (whoops). Makes sense what. If rely on his salary sure starve to death. Knowing how traditional his mother is, confirm not happy if his son has to quit + stay at home and look after kids cause it's "supposed" to be a woman's job.

I also think she's very negative. I won't want my kids to grow up in such a negative environment. I almost talked back at her but it was the first time we met and I swallowed my pride, told her i'm not going to stay there to her scold me... and walked away (like a boss). I guess she didn't like me since then.

Meh. I don't wanna meet her everyday. I meet her once a year. That's it.

Haha how many times have u met her? What happened during the first meeting?

U are better than me then! Can meet once a year,
Good on you for walking away.. At least she knows u can't be bullied . Coz all these old generation pils , they were treated very badly by their own pils so they also will climb up your head if u allow them to ...
Like my own grandma also treat her dils (my aunts) very badly.

 

[tiggerpooh]

Haha if gotta quit job shd be my bf quit cause I earn more than him (whoops). Makes sense what. If rely on his salary sure starve to death. Knowing how traditional his mother is, confirm not happy if his son has to quit + stay at home and look after kids cause it's "supposed" to be a woman's job.

I also think she's very negative. I won't want my kids to grow up in such a negative environment. I almost talked back at her but it was the first time we met and I swallowed my pride, told her i'm not going to stay there to her scold me... and walked away (like a boss). I guess she didn't like me since then.

Meh. I don't wanna meet her everyday. I meet her once a year. That's it.

U must have tot about this when u decided 2 get a flat together. N since u r not married, u can still have a HTHT wif your SO. Discuss your expectations, let him have a say in his expectations.... Manage these expectations n if both can agree dat the expectations can b met, den u can decide if u still wanna let go of the relationship. Of cos, both gotta b honest n no empty promises. If there r expectations dat u cant meet, let him know, vice versa. Honesty is impt in marriage.

 

[richiemccaw]

@4sgmotherhood - speaking from personal experience which is really not bad, and based on what others have said, please try your best to not stay together with your in-laws or your own parents. It is best to have your own space to grow as a couple and as a family.

Looking at all the considerations that you are dealing with now, these will only likely exacerbate after you get married since there's really nowhere else to turn to.

As tiggerpooh said, it is critical for the both of you to talk these issues through now and get each other's commitment on them before it is too late. Any reversal or changes later will be painful.

 

[MistyCloud]

@4sgmotherhood Yes, please don't stay together. My MIL is even more kuku, I went over to bai nian with my child and hubby and she said I didn't bai nian coz I didn't personally giver her 2 oranges. I gave with my child, speaking on behalf of my 13 mth old!! She made my hubby give her 2 oranges separately then came and picked on me. So, next year, I better bring a whole box and give it to her. Kuku!!!!

Anyway. the point is, I'm not staying with them and she can already picked on everything so even if you have a small house, your own space is worth more than having to see them everyday.

And if issues are so bad before marriage, expect them to get worse after marriage. Better work them out before getting married to your BF. Your future MIL sounds hard to handle when you're only a GF now...

 

[srjk]

@4sgmotherhood Yes, please don't stay together. My MIL is even more kuku, I went over to bai nian with my child and hubby and she said I didn't bai nian coz I didn't personally giver her 2 oranges. I gave with my child, speaking on behalf of my 13 mth old!! She made my hubby give her 2 oranges separately then came and picked on me. So, next year, I better bring a whole box and give it to her. Kuku!!!!

Anyway. the point is, I'm not staying with them and she can already picked on everything so even if you have a small house, your own space is worth more than having to see them everyday.

And if issues are so bad before marriage, expect them to get worse after marriage. Better work them out before getting married to your BF. Your future MIL sounds hard to handle when you're only a GF now...

Seriously so Kuku! this cracked me up!

 

[richiemccaw]

Previously we wanted a resale... His mom complained all the time. Big HDB 1km from her place, she complain too old (18 yrs old I think). Small new HDB, she complain too small. And they stay in a central area so HDBs there are super ex. They still thought HDBs are in the 60-70k range (oh my tian). Said their "cousin" got their flat in 1990s for vv cheap.... Can't be bothered liao.

This is sadly amusing.. and yet something that is really quite common!

 

[pixie ng]

I did talk to him when we got our flat that I cannot live with any parents. He thought I was joking and it was a soft line he can cross. Reiterated this recently and he said they may want to move.

Previously we wanted a resale... His mom complained all the time. Big HDB 1km from her place, she complain too old (18 yrs old I think). Small new HDB, she complain too small. And they stay in a central area so HDBs there are super ex. They still thought HDBs are in the 60-70k range (oh my tian). Said their "cousin" got their flat in 1990s for vv cheap.... Can't be bothered liao.

If really cannot sort it out, I should just give up the marriage part right? Stay as a gf status forever.

Err.. just get your own hse then no need to scare u need to stay with your pil? For me, i hv my own place so during dating my hub moves in with me. I told him i will not be staying with any parents or family members coz i used to stay alone. He moves in with me already hit my tolerance level.

And as for marriage, all along i told him im not interested. I gt my own place, i can semi retire arnd late 30s, my life is more or less no worries. But he wants to get marry n have kids then my plans will be gone. I dun mind to sacrifice but he must let his family kws im ang mo style if he really want to marry me. After marriage so far my pil treats me very good though..cny i gt visit them on first day n also gt give them 2 oranges though.. how i live is ang mo style - independence.. but i still will follow some chinese traditional which is taught by my parents especially is done only once a yr.. is not that hard...

 

[MistyCloud]

@4sgmotherhood

What we did was to put down payment/option to purchase the place without consulting any of our parents. End of the day, we're the ones staying here and paying for it. Moreover, both sides already said they won't want to tale care of our kids. My mum mentioned that I should at least let my future PILs know before we purchase the house back then.

My PILs were a little unhappy back then but seriously, what they said wouldn't have made a difference as we would have bough it even if they didn't like it. So, rather not hear their opinions beforehand and if we still went ahead to buy it, they'll say not respecting them. Might as well buy then show.

 

[icyjol]

Hello all, I potentially foresee me going through these problems that you all are facing in the near future. I'm not married yet, and I'm thinking of calling the marriage off as I can't get along with his mother, and I think things will become worse in future. Furthermore he's the only son. Should I just, walk away? Instead of facing such problems in future, might as well not give the MIL a chance to create conflicts in the first place (by not being my MIL).

If your bf is good and The One for you, you shouldn't walk away because you are marrying him and not his parents.

My hubby is also the only child and my mil is also abit problematic. We were together for 6 years at that time and I already knew she was not easy to get along and stay together with but that time we only applied for BTO after we married, so need to wait 3 years. During that 3years, I stay with his parents and did have a lot of unhappiness but as I am not those that will show, I will usually just accept it and sometimes I will complain to my hubby. Slowly, I realised that she also complain to my hubby but in front of me act like nth (because at some pt my hubby will say she say tis and u say tat then hw) So I think in the end my hubby ownself decide move out to stay is best to minimise conflict. Lol!

But all was not rosy because when we got our flat and reno and wanted to move, my mil a lot patterns. Sick la, giddy and fil cant look after... depression la. Went through a lot of drama before we finally can stay on our own. (Got flat in Feb but move in in Jun) Both my pil also not working & my mil expenses quite high one.. mthly allowance give in 4 digit and still nt enough. She does go for massages & buy gadgets etc quite modern. Taxing on my hubby but no choice because he is the only child and it is his duty.

So..don't give up. I'm sure your future hubby wil eventually find a balancing point and know what is the best resolution and to action on it.

 

[loveholic]

sigh sometimes i always wonder why are MILs damn hard to get along with? and why do they have to be sooo difficult?!

Weren't they all daughter-in-laws once?!

I personally don’t have ‘upfront’ conflicts with my MIL. Only problem is I cannot stand their behaviour and culture at home. My MIL is one of the laziest women I have ever seen. But what to do? That’s her house… don’t like also need to respect and suck it up. Only thing I can do is to keep whining and complaining to my husband altho I know he’s stuck in between. Everytime he tries to ‘pacify’ me with some make up reason, I get even zzz.

Worse, my MIL even has plans for her future grandchild(ren). Sad to say, my sis in law (hubs elder sister) will never get married so the responsibility lies on me. My MIL has already said things like “oh next time when I have grandchildren they must sleep with me when they are still a baby”, “oh next time my grandchildren MUST speak hokkien”, “oh next time when my son & DIL move out, this room must be kept empty for my grandchildren to sleep”. I don’t know where she got all these nonsense or illusions from but it’s NEVER happening. I myself don’t speak hokkien, my husband and I speak English although my in laws are the typical Chinese-hokkien family that speaks hokkien at home and talk damn loud kind. Not against anything / No offence but I don’t like this whole hokkien culture.

And because of allll those above, I’ve been putting off the idea of having kids because I’m really scared of any potential conflicts and we are still staying together till my BTO is ready in end 2018 (2 more loooooong years arrrhhhgggghghhg). But I have PCOS and am already turning 30 soon so I don’t want to risk not even being able to have kids in future if I keep delaying. Le sigh

 

[pixie ng]

If i need to live with pil i will never get married in the first place. Next time they want to shift into your hse u also no excuse. Is like when u need a house u live with them. U got a house u kick them aside. I believe most pil will think this way.

For me before marriage i already told my hub my terms n conditions. I guess he got pass the message to his parents.. so far i dun hv any serious conflicts yet *touch wood*

 

[loveholic]

If i need to live with pil i will never get married in the first place. Next time they want to shift into your hse u also no excuse. Is like when u need a house u live with them. U got a house u kick them aside. I believe most pil will think this way.

For me before marriage i already told my hub my terms n conditions. I guess he got pass the message to his parents.. so far i dun hv any serious conflicts yet *touch wood*

sigh. prior to me moving in with them before our wedding, my husband and i used to 'shuffle' between my place and his place... and everything was okay back then because interactions were minimal.

and the plan after wedding was the same as well. i told my husband before that moving in permanently to his place is never an option. just that due to some family issues at my side, i was forced to move out and move in with my in laws.

& then the misery starts

 

[pixie ng]

sigh. prior to me moving in with them before our wedding, my husband and i used to 'shuffle' between my place and his place... and everything was okay back then because interactions were minimal.

and the plan after wedding was the same as well. i told my husband before that moving in permanently to his place is never an option. just that due to some family issues at my side, i was forced to move out and move in with my in laws.

& then the misery starts

For me i would rather rent a hdb than live with pil. Is like u owe them a favour and can never repay like that.. at least i believe this would be their mindset.