Is there something wrong with my mentality?

W

waif

New Member
hi

My baby is 5 months old. Before I got pregnant, my hubby made me promise that I will let his parents take care of our baby. Of course I didn't commit because I find that it's ridiculous to make me promise this kind of thing.

When I got pregnant, my hubby pestered me again. I didn't say anything. After I gave birth, my hubby reiterated to me again that he wants his parents to babysit. And this is even so when my mil is obviously not capable of doing so. She has been leading a tai-tai life. Doesn't really do housework. When my hubby was young, he was left with his granny to look after.

So now i have intentions of letting my mum babysit as she's got more experience (she used to babysit babies to earn an income) and of course, letting my own mum babysit will minimise conflict and friction. Even though, my hubby didn't say anything to his parents, they already assume and super eager to babysit. During my confinement, they would drop by EVERYDAY even though I need my rest (I had no confinement nanny and I looked after baby on my own). When baby was sleeping, they would even carry him and it does not help when hubby keep on asking them to carry and they would happily do so.

Initially I was thinking ok let my mil try. She tried but the way she handled my baby, i was thinking ok cannot make it. My baby happen to be the very squirmy type, need to be pat and coaxed to sleep. Then keep on asking me why like that. Said that last time when my hubby young, he could fall asleep on his own. My baby doesn't take pacifier, she also asked why like that. Whenever baby in her arms, she couldn't carry properly and this made him uncomfortable and he would start fussing. And can u imagine I have to teach and show my mil how to change diaper? And before this, she kept on telling me that looking after babies is so easy? Once, I was trying to coax baby to sleep, he was whining away but that's just him cos he's the type who will whine before he will finally fall asleep. My mil came and suddenly started shaking a rattle right in front of his face! I had to tell her to stop doing that as he was just about to fall asleep!

Honestly, I felt very cheated cos at first i already came to accept the fact I'll let my inlaws babysit but looking at the way my mil is handling the baby, I lost all faith and confidence. So I told my hubby that I don't think I want his parents to take care. He started to get upset and said that he doesn't want to "deprive" his parents. It was then that I knew that my son is for him to keep his parents company! I was of course angry. 1st, his parents have strong preference for boys (my hubby a little bit too) and now my son is being used as an entity to keep his parents company!

I decided to convert my job to part time to work 2 days a week. And when i told them of my decision, they were discouraging me to convert, which I suspect is because this would mean they would not be able to take care of baby. Even my hubby also kinda discouraged me. I was angry because I chose to give up my full-time salary and no one applauded me for that and instead made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing! Despite my anger, I decided to appease my hubby and his parents by letting them babysit during the 2 days when I gotta work, even though my mil can't handle. I had to go to work with a heavy heart wondering how's my baby coping.

Then came a week whereby my fil had to go overseas, leaving my mil alone. Since she's alone, i thought better not let her babysit cos she wont be able to manage alone. So I asked my mom for help to look after for 1 day. As my hubby was overseas, he didn't realise until I told him over the phone. He got so mad that I asked my mom instead of his mom that both of us had an argument. I really dont know why is he so upset over this??? I think that it is ridiculous!! It's like he only allows his parents to have access to babysit my baby.. and he started to say that it would disrupt baby's routine and so on, which of course i think is not the real reason.

My inlaws have other grandchildren but they did not look after them and so now my hubby wants to "give them a chance" to look after. What really also irritates me is that my inlaws are always vying for my baby's attention! When my fil carries him when I'm around and my baby starts crying, he would carry him and walk away from me cos my hubby said mummy is here and baby only wants me. My hubby will also ask me to go away.

Now, I'm really wondering is there something wrong with me or something wrong with my hubby's mentality?? Why is he so adamant about letting his parents and not my mom take care? What is wrong with me letting my mom helping me for that week when my mil is all alone?? I constantly have this impression that he wants baby to be very close with his parents. I told him about my thoughts but he flatly denied. And yet he said he doesn't want to "deprive" his parents??? This is seriously affecting our relationship. What can I do to get around this?
 


hi Waif...

Sorry to hear about your situation. I totally understand where you are coming from. There is nothing wrong with your mentality... All of us mother would naturally prefer our own mum to tc of our babies because less conflict will arise and we communicate better with our own mother...

I feel that the situation occur because of your husband's stand. If he feels that he doesnt want to deprive his parent of having to raise a grandchild, why can't you say the same for your side? Come on, what is the era now? Kids still have to be taken care by the male side?? I think they are very traditional. One suggestion is, tell him, to be fair, you all can rotate the child taking side between yours and his parents... Is about fairness right?

Also point to him that its for the welfare of the kids you wish your mum to be involved. Afterall she is experienced and im sure as parents, he will want the best for his kids too.
 
hi Joanne Au

thanks so much for your reply. My mom understand that my inlaws are super eager to look after and she's totally fine with that. It's like she can HELP ME to babysit, she also can don't babysit. She doesn't want to put me in an awkward situation. I really appreciate my mom for that.

I have given my hubby your suggestion before and he flatly refused. He said that his son is not a toy to be rotated around and that a baby needs routine and a constant caregiver. I was like, am I not the constant caregiver?

My hubby is biased. He keep on thinking that his parents , his mom is very capable and can do it. His mom of course keep on saying that she can do it but we have all seen how his mom handled the baby - she can't. And she refused to admit that she can't. She doesn't think about the welfare of my baby. Despite seeing what happened, my hubby is still biased. I told him his thinking is very traditional and he denied.

He said that to be "fair" to his parents and to "appreciate them for helping", i should only be letting them babysit! I really cannot comprehend his thinking at all.
 
Waif I read ur post n I really feel very compelled to post to u..

There is nothing with ur mentality .. It is a case of ur hubby thinking the best of his parents n not for u or ur kid.

Let me pm u ...
 
Waif,
As I read your post, it reminded me of what I experienced. I have similar experience as you. There is nothing wrong with your mentality. Even till today, I still don't think there's anything wrong with my mentality. Things are better for me now but I am still holding tightly to my rights as a mother because I fight hard to have the rights.
My son is 20 mths now. He is the only son and grandson in the family, just like his father. Yes, I fight hard to be his mother and for my family to be able to spend time with him. My hb flared at my family twice. in the first case, I brought my boy to kkh with my sister when he was 1 month old. Hb flared at my mum and sis. He told my sis, in front of me, that no one can make decisions for his son on his behalf, including his own family. But the truth was he let his mum and unmarried sister take over the role of the mother whenever they are present. In both cases, he said that accidents might happen when my boy was with my family.
My hb said his mum and unmarried sis were very experienced in looking after baby as they had helped to look after the other two sis's children. But the truth was his mum refused to look after the children. However, she hinted to us to put my boy at her place on weekdays and only let him come home on weekend. Hb couldn't response. He knew I would object strongly as he gave me a lame reason for not letting me do my confinement at my mum's house, that is, he doesn't want his son not able to recognise his home. If he dared to agree, I would throw that lame reason straight into his face.
My mil wanted my son to recognised her unmarried daughter as the 'mother'. She didn't allow me to be near my son at her house but her unmarried daughter to do everything for my son. Even till today, my boy is learning self feeding, she would told me off by saying must let him try, if not, how he learn. On the other hand, she always asks her unmarried daughter to feed my son at her place.
I told my mum abt my feelings but she said I was jealous. I tried to pyscho myself and believed my mum but it did not make me feel better. I know I am right.
How I fight for my rights? What they say and do to me or my family, I will return to them whenever there is an opportunity.
It hurts the relationship? Yes it does. But why should I bother if my hb didn't even bother that it hurt me when he said and did those things.
Sorry for the long post. I just want to let you know you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with your mentality.
 
Juz a thots...sometimes we ladies make sure that our kids are closer to our family so tat in the event of D bb will nt be sad and so we will nt lost the custody too.....if ur hb taking this precaution too?
 
Diana,

Why must take precaution if they really treat me as part of the family? If they are taking this kind of precaution, isn't it obvious they just want the kid but not the mum?
I had not taken any precaution till I realised they wanted the unmarried elder sil to act like my boy's mother.

Knowing mil n hb would not want my mum to help me with my confinement, I didn't even tell him that my mum offer to help. It was because hb didn't want to spend money on confinement lady so he suggested to let my mum travel from east coast to northeast daily to do my confinement. I rejected as it was too tiring for my mum and she had to cook for my sis and brother too. So I suggested to do confinement at my mum's place and he gave me that lame reason.
 
Hi,

I understand how u feel. As I believe every woman will go through this route. I also been through this route but had made up my mind for the worst of the worst. I strongly believe that in this society now, we as a woman dun need to rely on man. So as long as I have a chance, I will just bring my son away. My mil can still dare to say this in front of me. My son is follow their surname so is their child. Since is their child, they will raise it. Will not let outsiders raise them. Funny!!!! Since when as the mother, I become the outsider? So end up, they all manipulate him to fight with me for the custody of my child. ESP when I'm expecting the second one too. Just make me pissed off when she can't even take care of my kids properly. Yet, still want to fight with me. Moreover, her daughter have 3 kids staying with them too. So why bother fighting with me? Dunno what they thinking.
 
Apple,

I will be pissed if i were you as well. If my mil wants my sil to feed instead of me (when im around), i will surely go ahead and take over... and probably will sarcastically say "Aiya, feeding this kind of thing let mummy do... next time when u are married and have your own kids, you will have to do it then!!"
 
Waif,

In order not to further spoil your relationship with your hubby, i suggest you can let your PIL try out for the time being.. Afterall, its lucky that both sides of your parent can take care of the kids (Got help better than no help). Are you going back to workforce soon? If yes, then maybe you can take your mind off this matter, and probably put faith with your PIL to take care of your son. However, i suggest you should always bring him back after your work to bond with him and see how he's grown.
 
Hi Isabelle

u know wat? i tried that and my inlaws simply let my baby cry
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They said let him cry and he will eventually get tired and fall asleep
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They always trying to prove to me that they can handle. Keep on telling me "oh so easy so easy" For instance, my bb prefers to suck on his fingers rather than take the pacifier. But each time he does that, i'll make sure i'll pull his hands away gently and offer him the pacifier. He will usually fuss when i do that but what i do is to coax him, talk to him, play & distract him & he will be fine. But my mil always take the easy way out, keep on telling me to let him suck on his fingers just so she doesn't have to put in effort to coax him! I mean it's my style & my way of bringing up my bb right?

Hi Apple

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I think u are in a worse off situation than me - have to deal with ur mil & ur unmarried sil. My mil can even suggest to us to leave my bb at her house overnight ask us to go home. When I fight for my rights as a mother and fight for my bb's welfare, my hb can tell me that ever since i have a bb, i don't care about his feelings anymore. In the first place, has he ever thought of mine as a mother, who painstakingly breastfeed, wake up few times in the middle of the night, bathe & comfort our bb? He doesn't think I'm wei da. He thinks I'm being self-centred. And as my hb need to travel often for his work, when he's not around, sometimes i'll bring bb out with my family & often i don't dare to tell him as he will feel how come i went out with my family and not his??
But i'm wondering after all that has happened, how is the relationship between u and ur hb now? My hb wants another child but I have my reservations. 1 bb only & he's fighting with me over all these. I am really tired of fighting.

Hi Diana

I think u have a point but i can say that my hb is not taking this precaution cos divorce is not on the cards at all. He just wants his bb to be very close with his parents and sad to say, not with mine. This is because he's the only son in the family (he has 2 elder sisters) and they being very traditional, always think that males are superior and males are best - even my mil think so, despite her having 2 daughters. He does not admit that but i know very well what's on his mind. Sometimes i do think what if my bb is a girl and i decide to stop at 1, what would be their reaction?

Hi mummy darling

"My son is follow their surname so is their child" - MY HB TOLD ME THAT TOO!!! He kept on saying our bb surname is Tan and he's not carrying my surname, no matter what! When he said that, Can u imagine how upset and hurt I was?? His parents also think the same. Therefore, they must be the ones who have so-called "priority rights" to my bb. I really cannot stand this kind of thinking because I myself do not come from such a traditional background! They also think i "marry into the family" and i "belong" to them. And I also seriously wonder why does my hb wana fight with me over such domestic affairs! Like deciding who is going to babysit!


I'm thinking now the only way is to wait till my bb turns 1 year at the end of this year and I'll send him to childcare and then I'll return from part-time to full-time work. Then my hb won't have a chance to say "why let my parents and not his parents take care" (And to think that my mom is soooo understanding and has left it up to me entirely to make decisions). I know i'll face alot of resistance from him and his parents.

I'm wondering if I should let my hb know of my intention earlier or wait till a later time?
 
Hi walf,

I know how u feel. That's why I dun want to let my second child follow their surname. To put it blunt, how long can u survive thought this marriage? When things occurred even before u get pregnant? To me, he is no one accept just a sperm donor. If its not cos of the idiot baby bonus, I will not even want to put his name inside the birth cert. Totally had enough of his bloody nonsense shit and his whole family. All dunno what their thinking. Worst, the unmarried sil want to study diploma in early childhood. Obviously with their intention so clear. The more I will not let them touch or lay a hands on my child.
 
Oh and I forgot to add that my hb suggested that I go to his parents house to stay for my confinement at that time. When I said maybe i let my mom do my confinement for me, he just kept quiet so I knew he didn't really like it. Like come on, is HE the one doing conf or I AM the one in conf??

To prevent any conflict, i decided to cater confinement food and I took care of bb all by myself. My mom came during weekends to cook more extra nutritious food for me on top of the catered food & helped me with my housework! I am very thankful for my mom cos she sincerely wanted to help ME and she THINKS FOR ME. My mil was surprised that I could do everything by myself. Whereas she herself need me to teach her how to change a diaper and how to carry & hold a baby properly! How to do confinement for me like that??

Fortunately i didn't go to my hb parents place to do my confinement!
 
Joanne Au

Yes that's what I'm trying to do now. But just that I cannot comprehend my hb and his parents thinking. It's making me very frustrated. And deep down, i keep on having this feeling that if his parents look after, my bb will forget who is his mother
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My ML already over and i'm back at work. However, I've converted to part-time.
 
Hi Waif,

Don't ever think negeatively... It will further affect your mood.. Baby will never forget us as mummies... especially you got to see him every night. I know its painful to get someone to take care of him when u feel that person is not up to it. But afterall they are your son's grandparent and pretty sure they will not ill-treat him (if u ever heard of horror stories of maid/nannies).. Keep on consoling yourself and try to think of the bright side and when u go back to him at night after work, give him a big hug and say "Mummy loves you.".

:)
 
Waif... I can really feel for you. We share a few similar points. My MIL was a FTWM all her life and never even bathe a baby before, including her 2 children! But when I was 7 months pregnant with my first one, she announced her retirement and 'offered' to help take care. I refused to teach her anything. It was my husband who actually taught her. And of course, he thinks the best thing in a child's life is to be taken care of by MIL! And yes, I do wonder a lot, of he thinks the purpose of having children is to entertain MIL in her retirement!

If I were to supervise or criticise her methods, I would either have jumped off a building somewhere or strangled the MIL. However, I somehow found peace by telling myself that no matter how inadequate and lousy MIL is, she will not intentionally harm the child. So I could only count-down to the days when my children are old enough to goto childcare and away from MIL. I am expecting #3, and I already warned my hubby that I am going to send this one to infantcare. He is receptive to the idea.

Sometimes some things we cannot change... it would be much easier to change and adjust ourselves instead. This includes in setting expectations (or totally remove them!!), spending more time with the kids... Jia you!
 
Y take such precautious coz these days marriage are so fragile lor....

if not then he muz be a mummy boy....

actually alot of times alot of things is no reason one...

but definitely there is nothing wrong with us woman too.

;-)
 
Joanne,
I wish I could say that to my mil and sil but I can't. She is older than my hb and me. I know there is a high possibility that she would not have her own child. If I say that, it is going to hurt.

Waif,
My hb also say that I wasn't sensitive to others feelings. When he scolded my sis in front of the hospital staff, confinement lady and me, was he sensitive to my feelings? My bb was only 1 mth old at that time. When we had no child, he kept blaming me. He said his grandma died with regrets of no great grandchild. He couldn't plan his career as there's no decision to have children. It was my mum's fault and my job that there is no children etc. After my son is born, I am still blamed for causing obstacles in his career. He said his colleague wondered why he can't work ot as he needs to fetch son from ifc. But if we have children earlier, he would face the same question too. In the first place, he decided to send the boy to ifc near his office. When I suggested near my workplace, he rejected.

My relationship with my hb as you can read from my post is really bad. We don't fight. In fact, we seldom fight. I am not a fighter. If I can tolerate, I will. But if I put together the treatments I received before and after having a child, yes, I have my reservations too. We both want another child at least but age is a problem. Why he wanted another child I have no idea. I wanted a sibling for my boy. But to have another child with a man who think his unmarried childless sister is a better mother than me and I am doing harm to my child by bringing him out with my family, I have my reservations.

He knew about my feelings. We talked a few times. The explanations he gave me: he was angry and he felt I treat him like young children, his sister and mum were just trying to help. I told him, if I treat him like young kid, it would be I say, he do and even if he was angry, he shouldn't say things that hurt. To myself, enough is enough. Since he is so insensitive abt my feelings, I will just give him back the same treatment as he gave me. His mum was trying to help by telling her daughters not to let my son see me when he started to recognise me, instead, she asked her unmarried daughter to carry and comfort my boy. Once my boy was really crying badly in that sil's hands and he had stretched out his arms towards me, I had also done the same. I asked if he wanted mummy to carry in front of my hb. Sil just carry him away into the room. No reaction from my hb. When she really couldn't pacify him, she brought my boy to my hb and asked how. Then the man asked if I want to carry, I replied just let him cry, no hands out. I was really angry. He carried the boy and put in my hands, immediately, he stopped crying. My mil had also told my boy, "Don't want your mummy lah" in front of me. If this is the kind of help I received, how can I not take precaution.

Sorry for the long post again.
Waif, don't let my experience affect you. I still strongly believe that a child should have siblings to grow up with. My problem is not just about my son, I have other issues. At least, the man is trying to change.
 
Actually both Waif's & Apple's cases are not that unusual. It usually happens in very traditional families with old-fashioned attitudes regarding family ties.

My in-laws also don't like my son to be close to my parents. So when we visit my parents and my son stays overnight there, we never dare to tell my in-laws. They see my son as their family's property. On the other hand, they don't have that kind of attitude towards my younger girl. They basically don't ask about her. If they call or visit, it's always for the boy.
 
Diana,
It is strange. That's why my conclusion is they don't want my son to be close to me at all. Hb claim it is not so but their actions show that is the case.

When my boy was less than 6 mth old, he slept in mil's room on our Saturdays visits. One day, I heard him cry. I wanted to open the door and checked on him. I was stopped by mil who claimed her unmarried daughter was already inside, followed by my hb shouting let them handle lah. Till today, I still don't understand what i had done wrong. My son was crying, I wanted to check on him. But they sounded as if I am invading into somebody else's rights as a mother.
At least I have never heard mil telling her married daughters that. Her married daughters get to take care of their own children. The eldest daughter has a 3 yo girl and a 2 yo boy. She always bath her children at mil's place on saturdays herself. One day my hb suggest let "them" bath my boy on Saturdays instead of me bathing him at home since they are so free. He did not say who are the they. But I know it would ended up with only the unmarried sil doing it. I didn't agree as it is the only thing that only me is doing for my boy.

My mil will always remind my boy what her unmarried daughter had done for him like cutting nails. Even when that sil went for tour, mil would also keep mentioning ergu not around, ergu go for tour, ergu cut your nails, ergu cannot cut today. She seldom mention abt her other daughters and of course, me, to my son. In her talks to my son, it is always her and her unmarried daughter, occasionally her son, then other daughters, me once in a blue moon.
 
Apple, if I were u I will shut them up ESP the husband by saying I'm the mum of my son. What rights do u have to stop me from seeing my own son? My son is not ur toy nor is he a property. He is my child. My own blood and flesh. If they continue to stops u, just go to the court and fight for ur rights. I'm sure u dun want ur own child to not recognize u as the mum right?
 
Ya, Apple. I feel so unjust for you. It must have been a long journey and not an easy path for you. I dunno if its worth a talk with your hubby cos he should be the bridge between you and his family. If he totally take sides with them, then you may have to question what does he really treat you already. Husband and wife need to be on the same side of the fence. You are fighting with his whole family, and sooner or later you will be tired with all the struggles. Im not sure how you have managed/whether you have already managed to come out from the situation, but i really hope u can be strong, and show them you are the mother of the son - the closest person to him.
 
Apple,

I agreed with Joanne, have a good talk with ur hb...tell him how u feel and set terms and condition with him. If nt this will cause a crack in ur marriage and it will juz lead ur marriage to an end....
 
I am not sure if I am out of the situation but I definitely had talks with my hb. He told me they were trying to help and I was just imagining things. They were doing things out of good will. But unfortunately, I wasn't and still not convinced. Just last Saturday, I wanted to wipe my boy's mouth after eating, mil tried to snatch the towel from me.
Some actions like stopping me from seeing my son, no longer happened but they always have new patterns. I am still learning to be strong and more assertive and find ways to stop all the funny actions.

Lastly, I want to thank mummies for assuring me there is nothing wrong with me even though I always think so. But it really feel bad that the person who is suppose to stand on my side, telling me there is nothing wrong with his family or him and their actions. Now I am able to tell my mum not to tell me to tolerate them. If I had tolerated, my son would not be mine now. There is definitely a crack in my marriage and I have no intention to mend the crack. Let the man who caused it, do the job. As my sis said, he has shown improvement. But not up to my expectations yet.
 
frogprincess

Yes my hb has this mindset that me having babies is for his parents' entertainment! He even made me promise to let his parents babysit before i was preg. i refuse to make that promise - i mean, what sort of ridiculous promise is that???
Yes sometimes I try very hard to think positive. I tell myself that I must ren and get through this till the day when my boy is old enough to go to childcare (then again sending to childcare will be another "battle" to fight with hb & inlaws). Thanks for the encouragement.


Mummyto2

My inlaws share similar traits as yours. My son is their property and as for me I have to so-called follow their rules as I am "married into" their family. Anything for me or for my son is assumed to be done by them and not by my family. (What nonsense). I have been subtly & indirectly fighting all these nonsense and have put my foot down on several occasions that I decide for myself what I want to do.

Yes I also can't stay over at my parents place (and i suppose that includes my son now). Long time ago when I first got married, there was once I stayed over for the weekend as my hb's job requires him to travel very often. When my inlaws found out, they made sooo much noise & they even sat down to lecture me about it! I complain to my hb. My hb knew abt me staying over & was ok with it so he was speechless. Of cos i didn't care and continued to do so, just that they didn't have to know abt my private life so I wouldn't say what I was doing.


Apple

I seriously think there's something very wrong with ur mil & sil. I feel ur hubby knows what they are doing is not right but is keeping quiet about it.

My mil also wants to do many things for my boy. She keep on wanting to bathe him. So I told her it's ok I'll bathe him at home after I pick him up from her house. This is because 1st she's quite old (67), she trips & falls easily & she doesn't have the strength to carry my boy (he's quite heavy) from squatting/sitting-on-stool to standing position. Moreover she's used to taitai life (I had to even teach her to change a diaper). So for my boy & her own safety, I told her I'll bathe on my own. Then my hb keep on telling me let her bathe. He kept nagging at me because he knows his mother wants! I mean my boy not a toy leh , they think playing masak-masak?? Besides this there are alot of other things that she wana do. As I bf, she ask me not to latch on anymore , let my boy take the bottle so she can feed (my boy happen to reject bottle now). Of cos i said no cos breastfeeding doesnt work this way. And all these I've been sticking to what I wana do as a mother. Imagine I've been fighting with my hubby over some of these things. So I can understand how tiring it is. I really admire your perseverance! Don't give up! I hope your hb will able to "see clearly" soon!
 
Hi walf,

Same too. They controlled me until very strict even before my first child was born. Till my first child was born, they tot that I will want them to look after him but too bad, I look after him myself and also looking out for a job and infant care at the same time. So they were pretty pissed with my arrangement and also doesn't like me going over to my parents place to stay tgt with my son. Of cos that idiot of mine keep telling me to go and work and let his parents to take care of my child. But I refuse. I insists in my own way which I think was right cos I told him if anything happen to my son, are u able to account to me? He keep quite and few days ltr again he start his nonsense. Finally, I got fed up with him n trust my mum in law to let her handle my boy. In the end, I trust her yet I receive was a worst nightmare ever. My son having fever for a week and no one tells me until I receive a phone call from her saying that the doc wrote her a letter to ask me to bring my boy to the emergency. I ask her what happen? She den tell me that he has fever for a week. I was like a vocanno. Immediately, I got so fed up and had to rush home from work half way. And took a week leave cos my son was hospitalized. In the end, I lose this job which I loves quite badly. Hence, after that incident I nvr ever let her look after my boy anymore. She tried hinting a few times but I say it's ok. My own child I can look after myself. I'm not a handicap which needs people to help me. And also keep asking for a second child cos she was hoping that I will let her look after. I tell her that one was enough for me to take care. She says its ok. She can help. But I insists dun need. Den when she knows that I'm having the second one she was very happy. But my actions are very clear and straightforward. No means no. I even stay at my parents place like nobody business. She also anyhow do my confinement for the first one. Still expect me to let her do for the second one too. No way!!!!! I rather order confinement food also dun let her get involved. My actions and words are very straightforward to them. They not happy is their business none of my business. That idiot of mine only follows what his mum say. Even change of job also need to consult his mum first.
 
Waif,
So sorry for using your thread to vent my anger.
Yes, I thought my hb knew abt those actions but he denied. Many things happened in his presence but he said he wasn't aware. Even if he said he knew, he said that they were trying to help and not what I thought.

I really envy that you can breastfeed your bb. I was not successful. Guess I am just too naive. I thought I have the right to bf my son. But things don't turn out this way. Hb thinks everyone in his family has the right to feed his son. So he always prepared fm for them, ESP that sil, to feed my boy.

I appreciate things that my mil does for my son, such as making pillow, bolster and the covers for him. I do understand I need their help at times too. But not to the extend that they take over everything as if my son is their property.

Today, my mil came with her maid to help in cleaning the house. Just as they stepped into the house, my boy puked out his milk on me in the bedroom. Mil came into the room and talked to my boy nonstop, and asked if he is still using bathtub or stand to bath. I was waiting for her to move out of the room so I can change my clothes and bath my boy. But she seemed ignorant of it and just stood there talking till my hb had to ask her to leave the room.

The situation is actually better for me now after my talks with hb. But they also don't do things openly now. Yesterday, mil was feeding my boy and his cousin bananas. My boy finished first and wanted more. As he just had lunch and took some cakes too, I didn't want him to take too much. I said no to him. Mil told him that mummy say cannot but went to peel another banana. She told my boy it was hers but I knew she would feed when I am not watching. So I carried my boy away. She continued to feed his cousin. His cousin wanted more bananas too. I am not sure if he was given more but he vomited not long after that due to over eating.

Mummy_darling,

My mil and hb also tried to restrict me.
I was also not allowed to spend too much time at my mum's place. Before pregnancy, I was told twice that I could only visit my mum for max 2 hrs. Hb said he had nothing to do there and it was a waste of his time. Mil said her married daughters also only stayed at her place for 2 hours. I had nothing to do at mil's place too. So I started to time how long did my married sils stay. They stayed longer than 2 hours and definitely not just 3 or 4 hours.

My hb told me that none of his sisters was like me. I really wanted to tell him to just marry one of them since he expected his wife to be like them.

Yesterday, at mil's place, she unwillingly put my boy's porridge on the table and said she would rather feed him and finish it quickly, it would be less messy. I kept quiet, put my boy on the stool and let him self feed. She told me so many times that I must let him practise self feeding but she doesn't practise what she said. My boy was distracted by the toy piano. His cousin was playing and he wanted to play. I had to constantly remind him to finish his food before playing. Just as he was trying to finish his 2nd serving, a voice came from behind where the toys were, telling him to chew. That was my 'experienced' sil. That's it. My boy stood up and moved to the toys. Mil wanted to bring the bowl over to feed. I stopped her. He moved away from dining table, no more eating.
 
Dear ladies, I'm relieved to see that I'm not alone. My relationship with my mil was very bad. I dun tok to her at all. I have reached the level where I have nothing to tok to her and dun feel like toking to her. We lived together till yesterday. Something happened and I left the house with my daughter this morning. I knew this will upset my hb but my tolerance level has reached it's limit.

I admit im not the good dil but I still feel I have the right to protect my daughter's health and safety.

Anyone her has ever quarreled with your mil?
 
Hi Apple

No worries, feel free to use this thread to rant or vent your anger. My 2 SILs hardly spend time at their parents (my inlaws) place. But this is not because they are "not allowed" to but because they are not so close to their parents. My SILs don't even go shopping with their mother. My 2 SILs, being sisters are also not close with each other. I'm not sure if my inlaws trying to console themselves by saying they are "married out", that's why they can't stay long?? What kinda thinking is that??

For me, I'm different. I'm close with my family and we have gatherings pretty often and I call my sister and brother along together with my mom to go shopping. And this is something my hb and my inlaws can't comprehend. I'm like, your family is like this doesn't mean all other families are like yours.

My inlaws are also treating my son like as if he's their property. They just want to have a piece of him.


Mrs Tan,
You are definitely not alone. What has been happening at home? U stay with your mil?

I have not quarrelled with my inlaws. But last time when we stayed together, my fil has ever scolded me over something (long story). But to cut long story short, he scolded me over something that my hb has highly encouraged me to do and I went ahead to do it. In the end, kena scolding. That was the reason why in the end, hb and I moved out cos that was the last straw!

Recently, I had a bit of a clash with my fil. I asserted myself with him. I wasn't rude but I was being firm. Cos if i don't do that, he's going to step all over me. He was of cos upset with me but u know wat? I don't care. Before my son came along, everything i can keep quiet, i will keep quiet. But now that my son is involved, I will have to speak up.

I would like our relationship to be cordial but he likes to do things without consulting me when it comes to my son. I'm a grownup adult and a mother, not some small kid for him to be talked down.
 
Waif, I agree that you should be firm. I am still trying to do so.
No major conflicts with them these few weeks. But I still feel uncomfortable with their little actions.

Hope things are better for you now.

I am pregnant again, just tested positive last week and waiting to see gynae in June. I am worried if the same things would happen again with the new baby. I am also worried that they may suggest to let sil take care of my boy when I give birth and during confinement. I know it is good to get help and I do need help. But I just can't convince myself yet.

Mrs Tan,
I did once and decided to not to do it again. Not that I am wrong but I find it no point arguing with a cow, especially she has her family support no matter how unreasonable she is. It is useless talking to a family of cows who only give lame reasons to cover their real intentions.

I hope you have solved your problems and gone home with your daughter. Most of the times, I also don't have anything to talk to my mil. I don't even share things about my son with her. Once, she visited us when my boy was sleeping. I showed her pictures of my boy while waiting for him to wake up. She wasn't interested at all. So I never share anything like these with her anymore.
 
I need to sort out my thoughts.

Yesterday, I stopped my mil from letting my boy eat his lunch while playing again. That was what my eldest sil had taught me. Don't let the child eat and play at the same time. He did not want to eat but just play. As usual, mil and unmarried sil started nagging at him to eat. I just realised it might be their tactic, hoping I will let them feed him.

My boy had his nap till 5. 30pm. When he woke up, unmarried sister told mil to get the fish soup to feed my son. As expected,the bowl was not passed to me but to the sil. I asked my boy to have the soup at the table. Mil said impatiently, how can he drink at the table. I know she was angry I don't let her unmarried daughter 'play' mother. Then mil took out a bunch of bananas while sil was feeding soup. I know she wanted to feed my boy banana. Sorry, she never ask me if I allow my boy to eat but always asks her own daughters before feeding their children. So I fed my boy some cakes made by her before she tell my boy to eat bananas. Then I told my boy no more food as it is dinner time soon. But she still left the bananas on the table, hoping my boy would ask for it. When he didn't say anything, the unmarried sil asked my boy if he wanted to eat banana. I told my boy again, no more food.

Now I cut my boy's nails myself so I can be like my eldest sil to meet up with my hb's expectations of being like his sisters. Even though my mil has stopped telling me to train my boy to self feed, I will still continue the training.

Next week, I am going to let him have all his food at the table.
 
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