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How to rekindle intimacy?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Edwin Yeo, Nov 9, 2018.

  1. Edwin Yeo

    Edwin Yeo Member

    Well,my wife and I are married with 2 kids for almost 12 yrs already. Had to say we enjoyed the intimate times before wedding (definately) and then even after we have our 1st child, the intimacy and sex was still was quite alright. But after 2nd child, I think we have already stopped kissing,stopped holding hands, she stopped holding onto me etc. Now even when I want to kiss my wife, she would avoid it. Hugs, concerns via text msgs etc also gone... no more.. (HP typically is silent throughout the whole day except when it's near end of work time? I guess most couples with kids will know what are those text msgs. Definitely not something to make my eyes go bright and rush home.)

    So things in bedroom has gone down so many notches down. Like I dun even know how to initiate sex that kind. I want,she dun wan... quarrell before, we discussed before.. I complained before... my wife said wait for her... But I think she meant wait forever.. also dun have? I mean she wun even initiate to have sex.

    Unhappy hubby I am, I admit. But I still do many things to show my love... from housework to humour her, doesn't seem to work any magic. How ah?

  2. Edwin Yeo

    Edwin Yeo Member

    Just to add... might as well tell more of the story so that people will understand situation better.

    Some 2 mths ago, I discovered my wife is having flirtious msgs exchange with one of her colleague. Her colleague lived near us and so therefore got give her a lift or send her home some times. When I saw those msgs, I was wondering how come she can have such good msgs with this guy and not me? I'm her hubby leh! I was mad and went crazy that night. I confronted them both next day. Even talked to the wife of her colleague. They both admitted to the content being slightly overboard and nothing else happened. (Just have to take their words for it,isn't it?)

    But actually I have been observing my wife and I noticed there were certain days when her panties was more soiled.
    (I know she has been having discharge some time already.) Some days were cleaned. I noticed one time the panties was soiled was also the day her colleague sent her home. Honestly, I did have some memory of her returning slightly later than usual? She only said it's due to the time she has to clock at work before she can leave work.

    After I confronted them, they said they will stop etc... and I noticed her panties now, is cleaner than last time? I kept the soiled one actually. Thinking if I should go for DNA testing.

    To this day, I have been nice to my wife, of cos. But deep inside. I wanted to talk to her... ask her if she got do anything with her colleague actually. But I din, cos I know she will never tell the truth till death comes. Don't u all agree so? So, how ah? It's still bothering me. I'm not sure if I have forgive her? But bet that I will never forget this.

    How ah? Seriously I know love has certainly flown away till dun know where. But then, it's kinda awkward to leave this marriage too when I or she maybe still think we can save our marriage? We have been going to counselling.
    But seriously I dun know where this relationship will lead to. No intimacy, everything seems so surface and shallow. No proactiveness care and concern that I can genuinely feel. Nor any love... It seems now to me, is like a time bomb. Any time if we just say lets seperate, I wun feel anything.

    Is this like so call in a toxic relationship?
  3. Eppy

    Eppy Member

    Woah why not go for a holiday only 2 of you. Go back to courtship times.
  4. Edwin Yeo

    Edwin Yeo Member

    Well, we have 2 kids. We are looking after them ourselves. We did went to several dates occasionally when she can take leave. But then, things aren't really improving. Theres only so much in a few days holidays can do. Any longer term solution?
  5. Susu1985

    Susu1985 Member

    U all went to counselling right .. Does it helps?
  6. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi Edwin,
    For the sake of ur marriage & kids, do hv the HTHT with her, be honest with each other how do both of you want out from this marriage.
    Good luck
  7. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi, can anyone please share w me how to deport 小三. Thanks
  8. Edwin Yeo

    Edwin Yeo Member

    Well,the counsellor did gave us some advises. Such as changing our response ir reaction so that we wun end up quarrelling. Sometimes it's small things that she answered or me will trigger a big reaction. And we got into quarelling.
  9. Edwin Yeo

    Edwin Yeo Member

    Well,the counsellor did gave us some advises. Such as changing our response ir reaction so that we wun end up quarrelling. Sometimes it's small things that she answered or me will trigger a big reaction. And we got into quarelling.
    We did try to have HTHT but then seems like the way we think and communicate is somewhat different and not in same frequency.

    We didbtalk whether we want to continue but then she said she dun know. And so,I dun know what answer is that. It's been like on and off for so long. It can be such a headache some times.
  10. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    It seems like she’s confuse & lost too. Did both of you ever discussed perhaps it might be good to take a break from each other for a period of time to sort the thots and clearly knowing what do both of you want from the marriage.
  11. JL8118

    JL8118 Member

    If not wrong, your issue have been occurring since April till now.
    As suggested, it's better to have a talk with your wife pertaining to how you feel.
    If things still did not get better, then you need to think of a solution, to continue or to give up
  12. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Things are getting out of hand. As Egpy suggested, go back to during courtship time. Date her out. Go for movies, pak tor. Or even go for a holiday together. Give her some surprise, and show her you really care for her
  13. Chubbybaby2

    Chubbybaby2 Member

    Panties more soiled may not be due to intimacy I think? May be due to hormonal changes from day to day?
    Anyways, kudos to you, for being a Father and a Husband who wants to improve your relationship with your wife, this proves that you still care about her and the family (she is really lucky!) so don’t give up!
  14. guyinthecorner

    guyinthecorner New Member

    It sounds to me that your intimacy has broken down. Any attempts to get intimate will probably hit a wall now.

    You probably have to build your relationship again? Like what DonLee said, do try to focus on enjoying doing couple things again. They can be simple acts like going to fresh places. It’s best if you can travel as a couple too!

    Probably as you enjoy time together more, the intimacy will come back.
  15. Mongkok

    Mongkok Active Member

    get a life. focus on yourself more. she will start noticing you again.

    thereafter, try the advices as above. do it only when she is open. stop when she shut herself.
  16. yufuin

    yufuin New Member

    A Friend of mine share the same thoughts as you do.
    Let us think back. How does the marriage in our previous generation last?
    “Take it easy” and keep one eye close method for the sake of a complete family especially the little ones.
    For the generation now, we need to try.

    Most importantly, it is clear that you wish to improve the situation, so be persistent and hold the thought as whole family first.
    Same goes for your partner. Share with her on kids feelings as priority. Kids are very sensitive and they can feel it. Rather than drifting apart from family and having a bad effect on the kids, try getting her back to the family.

    Kids first as prority to bring her feelings back for the family.
    Try this & good wishes.
  17. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    I do kind of agreed too. Sometimes its good to give a break for one another for a period of time to sort things out.
    Hopefully the other can think better/clearly, and try to salvage this marriage together
  18. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    I have the thought too... but can’t bear to do so coz am worry how is my other half gg to manage the family in my absence (my FIL stays with us) & helper also cuts corner in my absence too. Sigh.....
  19. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Mind asking if you have kids? If yes, at least you have your FIL/helper to help in taking care.
    If no, all the more you should have some personal time/space for yourself.

    My wife and I also have our own personal space/time as well. We don't have kids though.
    Sometimes due to work reason, we aren't have much intimacy between us as well. However, we will try to give one another some 'personal time' too, despite our schedules/work/tiredness etc.
    Things does improve at times
  20. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi Don, my kids are grown-up. I want to move on to strength the marriage but am struggling with the fear of being hurt again
  21. DonLee

    DonLee Member

    Well, since your kids are grown up, in a way, you should more let go a bit... Not asking you to leave house for 1 month or what. Perhaps go out yourself, or even with friends, for a cup of coffee. Sometimes it's good to tell someone your trouble and listen to 3rd advice, rather than to brood over oneself.
  22. Eppy

    Eppy Member

    Agreed! If you cannot let go bit by bit, you will suffer.
  23. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi Eppy, much thanks for hearing me out
  24. nateliv

    nateliv New Member

    I’m currently working with my BF to discuss how we communicate. He says he’s “telling me” things and I have to keep clarifying that I need words. I can’t function on gestures and sighs and meaningful glances. We’ve tried to have some discussions around what kind of things we like to do to show love and what kinds of things we need in order to feel loved.

    For me, saying “do you want to have sex” is easier than trying to figure anything else out. I can’t flirt or read body language. I find it much easier to have a verbal advance rebutted (“Not right now”, “I have other things on my mind”, “I’m not in the mood” etc.). When I try to be physical and the other person isn’t interested I can’t pick up those cues until they’re really strong and then I feel completely worthless and rejected.

    So yeah, in case that’s helpful, explicit verbal communication is the only thing that works for me.
    Lucky Patcher 9Apps VidMate
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018

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