Helper and Mother in Law Issues

[nadhirahk]

Hello everyone!

I am going through a terrible phase in my life and I feel like screaming or punching a wall on the floor.

So I got my own place but my in laws are staying with me for a few years till their bto is ready. I work from home so initially I was fine with juggling my son and working at the same time. Once my in laws move in, my mother in law insisted on getting a helper to help out around the house. I was reluctant at first but I agreed. Oh and my mum in law offered to help us pay for the deposit since she wanted the helper.

So I picked a helper and she arrived but right now, my MIL is honestly to me treating her bad. My helper is not perfect but she's good with my son. My son loves her too. And even my friends are impressed with my helper. But my MIL just pick on her and I really hate it.

Told my husband about it and initially he did not believe it until one morning he heard the scoldings his mum does to the helper. And honestly I don't take sides and my helper is not the type to tell me a sad sob story. I know things because like I said before I work from home, I have my ways of finding out things on my own. My husband tried to come up with a schedule so that the helper will follow since my MIL always complain she cannot do work. But she got angry and said she paid for the maid and the maid must listen to her. Which pisses me off cause it's my house and she literally turned my house upside down to fit her style. And I just kept quiet about it. There was once I said to her nicely to be nice to the helper and she threw an tantrum and made a mess at my service yard.

Oh and I'm sure you've heard of helpers making up stories, with my MIL it's her making up the stories. I will hear say something else initially but when she gets caught she will say she said something else. And of course she will turn it and make the helper look bad. But I know it's actually her fault. This is not the first helper who is having a hard time with her. My bro in law helper had issues with my MIL too but lucky her she doesn't stay under the same roof with my MIL permanently.

Of course if this was my mum it would be easier. But my MIL is harder to scold I guess? And whenever my husband say something to her she will take that we want her out of our house. This is really irritating me. Its my house, it's my helper but she wants to do everything.

I really need to rant and I hope you guys can hear me out

 

[tiggerpooh]

Actually, it's d same 4 most parents...

I m now living in d nightmare... cos I engaged a helper in my name 4 my parents who r in their 70s... since my mom had a fall in d toilet n had 2 b on cast... i tot it wld b better 2 have a helper 4 them...

Now... i have 2 listen 2 their complains... I pity d helper... but really not much i can do...

I was really glad when my mom moved back 2 her own place after she recovered fr her fall.

 

[Cindy Tay]

Mine was not as difficult situation as yours.
Probably more similar towards tiggerpooh.

My MIL came over to stay with us for a period of time, to help take care of the kids.
I had a helper all along though. But when MIL was here, she keep pick on my helper.
My helper cause of me, and the kids (as she too dote on the kids alot), and endure with her
She will too try to please my MIL, but she never appreciate, and even took advantage of it
I was really angry, and I told my hubby about it. My hubby did talk to her and but the same reply most old people will give... That we don't like her, and want to 'chase' her away'.

Lucky is that, she only with us for about 1 month, and later on she returned back to her own place. The one month was a chaos to us... And we were happy that she moved back...

TS,
So for now, pray hard and hope her BTO will come fast

 

[nadhirahk]

Actually, it's d same 4 most parents...

I m now living in d nightmare... cos I engaged a helper in my name 4 my parents who r in their 70s... since my mom had a fall in d toilet n had 2 b on cast... i tot it wld b better 2 have a helper 4 them...

Now... i have 2 listen 2 their complains... I pity d helper... but really not much i can do...

I was really glad when my mom moved back 2 her own place after she recovered fr her fall.

Wow at least the issue is with your own mum. I think if my mum is giving this issue, I would have scolded her. But since its my MIL I have to bite my tongue.

 

[nadhirahk]

Actually, it's d same 4 most parents...

I m now living in d nightmare... cos I engaged a helper in my name 4 my parents who r in their 70s... since my mom had a fall in d toilet n had 2 b on cast... i tot it wld b better 2 have a helper 4 them...

Now... i have 2 listen 2 their complains... I pity d helper... but really not much i can do...

I was really glad when my mom moved back 2 her own place after she recovered fr her fall.

Wow at least the issue is with your own mum. I think if my mum is giving this issue, I would have scolded her. But since its my MIL I have to bite my tongue.

 

[nadhirahk]

Mine was not as difficult situation as yours.
Probably more similar towards tiggerpooh.

My MIL came over to stay with us for a period of time, to help take care of the kids.
I had a helper all along though. But when MIL was here, she keep pick on my helper.
My helper cause of me, and the kids (as she too dote on the kids alot), and endure with her
She will too try to please my MIL, but she never appreciate, and even took advantage of it
I was really angry, and I told my hubby about it. My hubby did talk to her and but the same reply most old people will give... That we don't like her, and want to 'chase' her away'.

Lucky is that, she only with us for about 1 month, and later on she returned back to her own place. The one month was a chaos to us... And we were happy that she moved back...

TS,
So for now, pray hard and hope her BTO will come fast

I do feel bad for my hubby too, he dont like the way the helper is treated too but for some reason he is not as fierce as me when handling our own mothers. Haha! The BTO would be really in 2 years time. Still a long way more to go. I am actually tempted to send my helper back but it's really unfair to her and when I see her with my son at the playground and the bond they have I feel sad.

Of course my MIL tell her she wants to send to send the helper back but the helper is under my husband's and my name. Now she's threatening to go to my bro in law's house and my husband is more den happy to let her go but guess what she's still at my house. Haha!

 

[Cindy Tay]

Well, the main issue is the MIL...
Not fair to send your helper back.
I guess it would be the same even if another helper come by
Since you mentioned your BIL had issue with her as well
Unless no helper...

 

[Mongkok]

i think the problem here is money and ownership.

first, money. Human behavior; payer expects ownership.

second, ownership. you must have been too passive in the house. you didn't claim ownership on your helper, your helper's work schedule and your entire space in the house. your MIL, in her context has pay, conveniently claim ownership on those 'pockets' of space that no-one owns.

very simple:
1) pay her (your MIL) back the deposit
2) be active as a house owner
3) take ownership of your helper's schedule (you plan)
4) tell your helper in her face that you are Mom (lady boss). you pay her salary. you decide her fate. hence no final approval from you, no action.

Your husband is a bridge for your MIL's drama. he is the official employer under her WP, on top of that she (MIL) is the one asking to engage a helper. hence MIL will conveniently claim this ownership. understand?

if can, in future, employ the maid under your own name. with the WP bearing your name as 'Employer', you will have absolute Authority over her.

as read, you engage your helper coz your MIL request for it. now it seems like you are expecting the helper to care for your son. hence, does the first objective still stands or it has deviated?

if you have a diff objective now, then sit down with your husband, tell him symbolically (talk only) that you will 'send the helper back for not able to help out MIL' and formally 'employ a [new] helper to care for your child'.' from that moment onward, you will 100% 'own' this helper.

as for MIL, once you settle your husband, (you or your hub) tel her the final decision will do.

 

[nadhirahk]

i think the problem here is money and ownership.

first, money. Human behavior; payer expects ownership.

second, ownership. you must have been too passive in the house. you didn't claim ownership on your helper, your helper's work schedule and your entire space in the house. your MIL, in her context has pay, conveniently claim ownership on those 'pockets' of space that no-one owns.

very simple:
1) pay her (your MIL) back the deposit
2) be active as a house owner
3) take ownership of your helper's schedule (you plan)
4) tell your helper in her face that you are Mom (lady boss). you pay her salary. you decide her fate. hence no final approval from you, no action.

Your husband is a bridge for your MIL's drama. he is the official employer under her WP, on top of that she (MIL) is the one asking to engage a helper. hence MIL will conveniently claim this ownership. understand?

if can, in future, employ the maid under your own name. with the WP bearing your name as 'Employer', you will have absolute Authority over her.

as read, you engage your helper coz your MIL request for it. now it seems like you are expecting the helper to care for your son. hence, does the first objective still stands or it has deviated?

if you have a diff objective now, then sit down with your husband, tell him symbolically (talk only) that you will 'send the helper back for not able to help out MIL' and formally 'employ a [new] helper to care for your child'.' from that moment onward, you will 100% 'own' this helper.

as for MIL, once you settle your husband, (you or your hub) tel her the final decision will do.

yup i am already planning to pay my MIL back the deposit just to shut her up. since the rest of the money (the initial 3k plus) we paid for it. i do want to be an active house owner, and i did tell my helper to listen to just me and my husband but my MIL will say she keep listening to ma'am (who is me) instead of her. my MIL is not happy the helper listens to me. and my husband would rather i give in to my MIL as she is only staying with us for a few years. i did have a fight with him about this and he said i have to let my ego go.

i initially did not want a helper cause my son does not really like random ppl taking care of him. but he is doing well with my helper now (she brings him out to the playground everyday, make sure he makes friends with other kids in the neighbourhood) and those are the things i don;t have time to do even though i work from home. so since my son loves the helper, it has been pretty handy to have some help.

as for schedule, my husband tried to do it but his mum went against it, want it to go her way since you know she paid. and there was once my husband let the helper wake up later (it was hari raya and we had guests till late) and my MIL still woke the helper up early and i know cause i woke up early on that day and saw her working.

my husband is the bridge for now but whenever he point out stuff out to his mum, she will turn it around and say he is 'kicking' her out of the house.

 

[nadhirahk]

Well, the main issue is the MIL...
Not fair to send your helper back.
I guess it would be the same even if another helper come by
Since you mentioned your BIL had issue with her as well
Unless no helper...

yeah for sure no helper will ever make her happy. my bro in law's helper was staying over at my MIL's place for a few days as he was on holiday and the helper wanted to run away la. the other conclusion i have to send my helper back (sadly) and let my MIL suffer with no helper.

 

[be-brave]

power struggle + insecurity, i think.

mine also. scolded the helper for not listening to her, when i only asked the helper to buy something. i stayed far away from the helper since then.

ya, own mother easier. can scold her or tease her. but now my mum also don't listen. the more i say the more she angry, she felt we are all against her......sigh.....

 

[be-brave]

yeah for sure no helper will ever make her happy. my bro in law's helper was staying over at my MIL's place for a few days as he was on holiday and the helper wanted to run away la. the other conclusion i have to send my helper back (sadly) and let my MIL suffer with no helper.

i think u will suffer instead.

 

[nadhirahk]

power struggle + insecurity, i think.

mine also. scolded the helper for not listening to her, when i only asked the helper to buy something. i stayed far away from the helper since then.

ya, own mother easier. can scold her or tease her. but now my mum also don't listen. the more i say the more she angry, she felt we are all against her......sigh.....

yeah its like we are trying to chase her out. she feel we are siding with someone not in the family. to me, if you are in the wrong, you are in the wrong, no matter who. i wish i can say much but my husband begged me to not get involved. which is hard cause i am always at home and i know whats happening all the time.

 

[nadhirahk]

i think u will suffer instead.

i would probably just need to get back to the routine of not having a helper. my MIL might be going through a knee cap operation soon. but the thing is, she keep postponing it. my husband think that maybe she is in pain that is why she is always so grumpy. i do want to say something to my MIL but i might just end up fighting with my husband.

 

[be-brave]

i would probably just need to get back to the routine of not having a helper. my MIL might be going through a knee cap operation soon. but the thing is, she keep postponing it. my husband think that maybe she is in pain that is why she is always so grumpy. i do want to say something to my MIL but i might just end up fighting with my husband.

afraid that ur mil turn to u instead, since she won't have a maid to vent out.

hmm....leave it to ur husband bah. mother and son so much easier to talk.

 

[yanqiu]

Hi Nadhirak,

Sorry to hear what happen to you. To be honest with you, whether you return her the deposit or not, it won’t solve the issue if your Mother in law is the one ordering and telling The Maid what to do in the best.

I feel that the best solution is to get a new helper. I believe this will not put your Husband in a difficult position and also will be good for your helper and also lesser friction between u and your Mother in law.

If your helper is good, you may want to recommend her to someone else and also perhaps write a recommendation letter for her.