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Found a box of condoms in my hubby bag

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Luvgone, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    Hi,
    In June my husband who is 43 of age told me he wanted freedom. He said we are not happy together cos always quarrel. I felt it’s just an excuse. I tried to talk nicely to him but he was not in favor. I was shocked cos we are always happy n loving. Therefore, I gave him his freedom by not asking anymore, not bother him his whereabouts. He still comes back home and act as if nothing happens...and ... long story.
    Then, today not sure why I decided to check his working bag when he’s out. I saw a box of condoms, left 6 out of 8. I saw a pack of cigarettes which he never smoke. But I suspect he did now as there’s a toothpaste n toothbrush in his bag too. I even saw a new box of medication Levitra. And another one called Cialis, 2 was taken. I guessed it matches the 2 missing condoms. Yes, he started to have erecting problems last year n therefore we seldom or never even have sex for this year. I didn’t think tat much as I thought love is enough. It doesn’t bother me.
    So now, my mind is so lost as in what’s happening?? Cheating? Testing his ability?
     


  2. margret

    margret Active Member

    cheating is for sure.
    but testing ability ?
     
  3. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    I’m so lost, cannot eat, sleep, think I’m going to die.
     
  4. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Erectile problem may b a prob where he may not wanna acknowledge wif his partner.

    Mayb go 4 sex counselling? Not saying dat he is right 2 go find someone else to "test" his ability, but if u can overcome d betrayal feeling, u may wanna have a gd talk wif him.

    Ask him if he is really serious about going separate ways? Really not able 2 wk things out since both of u were once v much in love?
     
    Pino likes this.
  5. JL8118

    JL8118 Active Member

    Yes. Clearly is cheating.
    As of trsting ability, why cant he test with you? Its just an excuse...
     
  6. margret

    margret Active Member

    dont be silly go n ask him. he will know u checking on him.
    many man wan to prove to their mistress who is younger than them they are good in bed hence they use sex enhancing medicine.

    what u should he doing now is decide what u should do
     
  7. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    Recently he reacted differently in positive way. He talked to me, he helped some chores and etc. I don't know what's his intention or he's guilty. I really wants to save this marriage, for the sake of 17 years love relationships n a daughter. I thought i will wait for him to end whatever he tried out there and love me back. I will pretend that I don't know anything and play along. But, i will still check for more things and monitor. If i asked him, he will probably angry and it could be the end of our relationship. Do you think this decision is right?
     
  8. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Active Member

    U mean to cover both eyes n let him continue with his ways n wait for him to come back after he had his fun?
     
  9. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    Sounds stupid right. I see how far I can take. Close People around me told me to be patience. Cos they also know him, they felt he’s more like mid life crisis n lost, don’t know what he wants now.
     
  10. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Active Member

    As u can see here. Many people didn’t do anything to stop or find out and waited too long. In the end the husband enjoy his freedom and left the family. Don’t do the same mistake. Nowsaday marriage is fragile not like last time where he can have his fun n still come back. Now they will not stop even to the extend of divorce. So be careful
     
  11. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    Yes, I will observe him more and plan my next action. Thank you for the advice. It means so much to me
     
  12. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    Hi Luvgone,

    I am the victim of an unfaithful husband so I can empathize with what you are going through. The first thought that came to my mind was whether he could bring home any STDs.

    Actually, if I were you, I would have confronted him because
    1. There is no way I can find out the truth unless I hired a PI to check on him. Even if I do hire a PI, the PI may not be successful in uncovering anything.
    2. He could be bringing STDs home.

    During the confrontation, show him the condoms and medication you found. (I learnt this the hard way because even when I confront my husband with photos of him messaging the woman, he still can tell me he is messaging his work friend.) Of course, he could come up with 101 excuses. Anticipate the excuses he could come up with and think of ways to counter them.

    If he has nothing to hide, ask him to show you his phone on the spot. Do not give him any chance to go to the toilet etc (I learnt this the hard way as well because my husband will go to the toilet to delete the messages.) If he says no or comes up with excuses not to, there is no need to probe any further. His actions have already proven that he has cheated. Your next step of action will be to decide whether you want a divorce.
     
  13. Drain

    Drain Member

    Clearly he's having affair.
    No point in confronting him.
    Most of the time he will deny. But even if he admit, so what?
    Doesn't mean he admit you will divorce him right? Choice is yours.
    In fact right now you need to think of what you plan and intend to do. Do prepare for the worst as I've seen several cases whereby the wife tried their best in salvaging the marriage but in the end, wasting their time or hurt more. So well..
     
  14. margret

    margret Active Member

    it's clearly he have cheated. but whether he have a affair or is he going for prostitute.

    if he go for prostitute and with condom not likely he will have std.

    but if he is having affair then it's worse. it's not what he is bringing back but what he is giving to. he might be spending money meant for the family or giving him money from your joint account.
     
  15. Mongkok

    Mongkok Active Member

    clearly, he is testing his inability on someone. and best is he tries (not w you).

    those 'close people' that hv spoken to u must have been those that DON'T have a cheating partner, or they have a partner that don't cheat on them when dealing w mid-life crisis. we do wonder whens their partner cheats on them, will they give the same advice?

    mid-life crisis / lost in life: those are v easy excuses people used it to pacify you or make u see thgs lightly and forgivingly. what's mid-life crisis or lost-in-life, if he clearly knows his dosage?

    wait & see: wait for the dose intake to increase? wait to conclude on condom usage? wait for your guy to bring bk another kid?

    pls. he IS sleeping w another woman. wake up. prostituted or not, the only diff is the risk on your health.
     
  16. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    Thanks everyone,
    I took the courage to ask him already. He said he like freedom when he can do whatever he likes. He went to look for ‘no fixed person for sex’.
    Divorce will be next. Thank you for yur advice
     
  17. Drain

    Drain Member

    Since you have made the choice, stay strong..
    Seriously the bold part is full of excuse....
     
  18. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi Luvgone, kudo to ur courage and do stays strong
     
  19. KelGen

    KelGen New Member

    Yes. Divorce is the only way out. Such person don't deserve you!
     
  20. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    The problem now is he wants us to stay as usual in the house. He still pay for everything n give me money monthly. Just that we are not husband n wife already. Do u think I should just live in the house w my gal n let him continue to pay for everything? Even after divorce
     
  21. margret

    margret Active Member

    u should decide not him. are u able to tolerate his behaviour.
    u will upkeep the house for him n he doesn't need to step out from his comfort zone. only thing is he have all the freedom now.
     
  22. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    I want the house with my gal. What can I do?
     
  23. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Hi Luvgone, don’t be silly. Get rid of him & move on ur life with ur gal. Think abt it who doesn’t want.... come home someone to serve & wash the clothes.
    Treats the home like hotel... easy come & easy go...
     
  24. Luvgone

    Luvgone New Member

    I’m afraid he don’t agree to giving me and my gal the house. Then I don’t think I got that money for lawyer fees.
     
  25. Eppy

    Eppy Member

    Why do you need to be afraid? Division of matrimonial assets is based on both direct n indirect contribution. It’s obvious he won’t give and also try to think big and far- Just because you cannot afford lawyer fees, you going to spend your time suffering for 10 years??? The math just doesn’t work out right? Just borrow 10k from someone. Are you working or stay home mum? If stay home mum, after divorce he will have to give you alimony for a certain period of time n still pay for child maintenance. until child is 21. Yours should be a long marriage so don’t be afraid.
     
  26. margret

    margret Active Member

    are u working? if u are not try to get legal aids help.

    if he doesn't wan to give u the house then look at alternative. either stay with relative or rent a place. slowly built up your finance to buy a house. if u have the care n control of the child u will have priority to get a unit fro. hdb.

    anyway if he doesn't wan to give u the house. then it will be divide as a asset and each will get their fair share.

    for him he would have to fork out the same amount of money if he wan to contest. but many case they give up after knowing the cost of contesting
     
  27. fleurem

    fleurem New Member

    I went to search my hubby's work bag after seeing your post and also found 2 condoms in his bag. I don't know what to do now. He will probably deny and give excuses if I confront him.
     
  28. janey09

    janey09 Active Member

    dont confront. he will say he didnt use but buy just in case.
     
  29. fleurem

    fleurem New Member

    Even buying just in case is not a good enough excuse because from our dating days until now we have never ever use condoms before. The best excuse I can think of is he may say his friend gave it to him.
     
  30. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Active Member

    Unless he doesn’t wan the marriage then he will say for other women use
     
  31. fleurem

    fleurem New Member

    He already requested a separation from me. But I think he will still deny because he dont want to be the reason and guilty person who cause the marriage to breakdown.
     
  32. Sgguy

    Sgguy New Member

    Stay strong. For me, I use brain to process/think/observe/etc and then use heart for a decision (I use this method on crucial things.) Not sure if this method is good or works for others, just to share. Wish you have bright happy future. Support you.
     
  33. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Active Member

    It’s always like this. Man ego that he doesn’t wan to be expose for committing adultery
     
  34. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    its every clear what's a condom use for?
    dont tell me he use it as a balloon? just joking
     
  35. Stansy

    Stansy Member

    Lol....
     
  36. johntan68

    johntan68 Member

     
  37. johntan68

    johntan68 Member

    Could be the case of cheating but let not just sentence him gulity. My suggestion is to have a good talk, non confrontation with him to understand the issue he facing. Let not take thing at face value for now till an understanding is established.
     
  38. BreaknBake

    BreaknBake New Member

    I belie
    +1 .. I believed should be the case here, but nevertheless don't be upfront and confront him, try to think of a master plan
     
  39. NatalieTan84

    NatalieTan84 New Member

    Hi...I am new here.

    Observe his movements and body language but dont 打草惊蛇 by confronting him.

    When it is time,sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him.
     

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