Finding The Strength To Carry On with my 2 kids

[ash11]

Hi everyone,
I've made a few ppl upset here and have been gone a while, because their kind advice have fallen on my deaf ears.

Those who know the background, it's like a neverending Taiwanese drama. In short, I am a divorcee with 2 kids. I got divorced because I met another guy , 7 years my junior. He is only 24. We had our ups and downs , but he loves my 2 girls a lot, did more for them than their own biological dad did. We broke up last month, after 2 years of chaos. With each big quarrel I would throw all his clothes into a bag, and dump it outside his house... My way of "punishing" and throwing him out. In the relationship he was also violent with me.... Etc. We broke and patched more than ten toes and fingers.

Exactly 1mth ago he decided to break up with me for good, when we were getting better and didn't quarrel. He said he was tired of being thrown out and didn't feel like part of the family. Felt that whatever he did was unappreciated (both our families just didn't agree of course).

I later found out he had someone else. Which well shldnt be surprising .
He still comes to see the kids and we had slept tgt 3 times. He said he still missed me but he just couldn't be with me coz of all the pressure and cos of all the times I hurt him.
The 3rd time recently felt different and I could feel the love was no longer there. After all, his heart was alr with someone else. After the deed he had also taken my phone and saw my random messages with a hitch driver, which I befriended and was telling the guy abt how much I couldn't let go of my ex bf. My ex packed up all his remaining clothes and left, saying I would never change because each time we argued I would look for another guy. I felt technically I did no wrong as we had already broken up but yet I know he was at least a little affected ...moreover he himself had a gf. He said end of the day when I'm lonely I just end up finding another guy....

Well, I'm here because i know I shld let go of my ex bf but I don't know where to start. He wants to be part of the kids lives but only theirs and wants nothing to do with me. He said to talk only abt the kids and nth else....Friends say I shld just stop contacting him altogether and not even let kids see him. My kids... They call him daddy..

I hope to hear from a guys point of view, I know some have said here I just want attention. Ppl told me, I am not looking for love, I am looking for attention. I really want him back but I know I have to love myself and the kids more and just focus on them. But I just find it so difficult, I cry almost daily. I really wanna stop feeling like that and I hope someone can help.

Thank u.

 

[wishuponarainbow]

Hi,

Since he have a girlfriend, I feel that is not worth.. probably can divert ur attention to your girls to provide them better..

 

[ash11]

Thank u rainbow, appreciate it.... I pity them for having a mum like me.

Hi,

Since he have a girlfriend, I feel that is not worth.. probably can divert ur attention to your girls to provide them better..

 

[wishuponarainbow]

Thank u rainbow, appreciate it.... I pity them for having a mum like me.

u have to be strong for them..they look upon u as a daddy and mummy.. and they are all you have.. love your children because I lost my full term girl.. and done serveral ops still not preg..

 

[Mongkok]

Hi ash,
My pov would b, hv a heart to heart talk w your ex bf. Ask him if you guys deserve a second chance. If he giv you a flat no, pls get him out of your kids' life. Coz it's going to b messy. You can't move on too.
When you introduce kids into your relationship, you got to make sure it works. Coz kids aren't lik adult. They are simple and trusting.
Hence if you feel that you will go for another relationship aft this episode, pls get him out of your kids' life. I mean clear cut. So everyone can start afresh.
But pls, leave your kids out in the next round. It's getting very messy for their little brains. Mentally, it is unhealthy too.
In short, you have the freedom to love and b loved. But your kids must be protected. They should b your ONLY priority under all circumstances.
Last but not least, you should provide all the love your kids need. They should not b looking for love from any other person except you.
Keep your life style in check, coz you would not want your kids to assume that bringing different man home and calling them daddy are ok.

 

[triple70]

He says he wants to take care of your kids? Ask him for 2k a month per kid. See his reaction.

Guys like to talk big. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[ash11]

Hi Mongkok
I broke down while reading your post. Cos deep inside I know all these yet I can't bring myself to move on. Esp knowing that kids shld be my priority at all times, yet i am exposing their vulnerable minds and emotions to all these crap in my life, sometimes , I feel I am even using them to hold my ex bf back and i feel so disgusted with myself because I clearly remember that when they were in my tummy, I vowed to protect them from all harm as my duty and responsibility as their mum. Yet now, i am doing the exact opposite all for my own benefit. I thought all mums are selfless towards their children but I don't know why I'm not. I feel like I'm not fit to be a mum because all I care about is myself !!!
Thank you for reminding me, that I am the one who shld provide all the love my kids need , and they shld only look for love from me and not anyone else.. And I shld stop trying to push them, to get love from my ex bf because now it seems that's what im stupidly doing, indirectly trying to keep him in my life, using my kids.... I can't even believe I could do this!!!

Hi ash,
My pov would b, hv a heart to heart talk w your ex bf. Ask him if you guys deserve a second chance. If he giv you a flat no, pls get him out of your kids' life. Coz it's going to b messy. You can't move on too.
When you introduce kids into your relationship, you got to make sure it works. Coz kids aren't lik adult. They are simple and trusting.
Hence if you feel that you will go for another relationship aft this episode, pls get him out of your kids' life. I mean clear cut. So everyone can start afresh.
But pls, leave your kids out in the next round. It's getting very messy for their little brains. Mentally, it is unhealthy too.
In short, you have the freedom to love and b loved. But your kids must be protected. They should b your ONLY priority under all circumstances.
Last but not least, you should provide all the love your kids need. They should not b looking for love from any other person except you.
Keep your life style in check, coz you would not want your kids to assume that bringing different man home and calling them daddy are ok.

 

[ash11]

He says he wants to take care of your kids? Ask him for 2k a month per kid. See his reaction.

Guys like to talk big. Actions speak louder than words.

He takes home abt 2k plus a month. When I was with him he depleted all his savings from his 2 years of work (say abt 12k) cos he spent it all on me and kids so that I can save for myself. but ya he can't afford to gimme 2k a month la hahaha. Some more per kid. My ex hb is giving abt 1k for both that includes sch fees, insurance and my maid. We split half the costs.

 

[ash11]

I'm sorry to hear that!
Yes I need to learn to cherish whatever I have now before i lose my kids too..

u have to be strong for them..they look upon u as a daddy and mummy.. and they are all you have.. love your children because I lost my full term girl.. and done serveral ops still not preg..

 

[Mongkok]

Hi Mongkok
I broke down while reading your post. Cos deep inside I know all these yet I can't bring myself to move on. Esp knowing that kids shld be my priority at all times, yet i am exposing their vulnerable minds and emotions to all these crap in my life, sometimes , I feel I am even using them to hold my ex bf back and i feel so disgusted with myself because I clearly remember that when they were in my tummy, I vowed to protect them from all harm as my duty and responsibility as their mum. Yet now, i am doing the exact opposite all for my own benefit. I thought all mums are selfless towards their children but I don't know why I'm not. I feel like I'm not fit to be a mum because all I care about is myself !!!
Thank you for reminding me, that I am the one who shld provide all the love my kids need , and they shld only look for love from me and not anyone else.. And I shld stop trying to push them, to get love from my ex bf because now it seems that's what im stupidly doing, indirectly trying to keep him in my life, using my kids.... I can't even believe I could do this!!!

Hi ash,
Nice to know i can wake you up a little.
Divorce has made you lost all your confidence. You are now 'all over the place'. Pick yourself up. As far as you hates to be alone, you have to contain it. For the right one to come along, you must go through a 'period of loneliness'.

Kids wise, they will only acknowledge ONE daddy. That's their biological dad, they don't have a choice. Even how "f" up (in your context) your ex-hubby is, they have to accept. there is no replacement.

Do kp in mind, you D your hubby, your kids didn't D the father.

As for next relationship, focus and contain this relationship between the 2 of you. Kids should be kept at arms length. With this, the pressure will be lesser should you choose to move on when the partner doesn't suits you.

Well, life is a path to be walked. You are just getting more chapters than other people, that's it. No big deal actually.
Live a good one. Protect everyone you loved.