Divorce support group

hi buyerz,

may i jus ask a few qns?

1) did anything major happened bet both of u over the last 1 or 2 yrs? eg. never discuss wif each other over big issues or keep on quarrel over small things.

2) do u n him still go out with the kid often as a family?

3) is he stressed at work tats y he go to such websites n start to smoke too?

4) was there any physical or verbal abuse so far in this marriage?
 


Hi Val, appreciate a reply.

1) Nothing major but we tend to argue easily and whenever we fight he returns o stay at his parent's home, therefore he has alot of freedom to do rubbish and his parents never question or blame him.

2) He is the lazy sort who would rather stay home and watch TV but yes we do go out sometimes or at least for walks.

3) He is very stressed by work and told me that that's why he started smoking. I dont buy that. I am stressed at work too, i work hard and i also do all of the housework. Should i start smoking too?

4) he has a very bad temper and he has held me by the arm tightly once and later told me he had to do that to control himself from doing more. I told him I will take a PPO against him and file for divorce if he ever touches me.
 
Hi buyerz,

i cant comment much as i didnt know wat really happen to you...
Wat i like to know is, wat actually triggered you to not love your husband ?
I can relate to dat becoz my wife claimed she lost the love for me becoz i tried to start a business... You can read my posts up there...

Dun mind me saying this, but i feel dat smoking is not really a big issue actually. Its juz dat he did not let you know abt it dats all....
The real issue here is the websites he been visiting....
If you suspect smt going on outside then its a valid reason to divorce, but you said he did not meet them so perhaps i can say he was juz having fun ??
Personally i really dunno, so dun take my word for it yet....

If he gets violent with you, and you think dat is the reason you had no love for him.... Then i say go ahead with it...
Becoz i myself nv approved of violence in the family.... Let alone all the people here supporting each other....

I like to know the reason why you had no love for him anymore.... Really, i like to gather the opinions of women and mothers.... How can someone not love anyone juz like dat without a valid reason ?
 
I may be saying i dont love him cos i am still angry i dont know...

But I guess him not putting in any effort to keep the marriage alive is one big thing. Men say women let themselves go after having a child but I feel he's let himself go too...At least try to be less sloppy u know?

Then always being tired, always thiniking about work and his business (yes, he's just like you).

and i dont see how trying to make friends with someone thru a classifieds site can be seen as just having fun. TO me its a form of betryal,a form of affair. If he felt that i was not showing him love then he should have told me, not seek it elsewhere. Thats just a coward's way out of a situation.

And to me, smoking is a huge NO NO. He knows that. He knows i cannot stand the smell. He knows my dad, grandpa and uncle all died of cancer and they were all smokers. He knows i just lost my aunt to cancer even though she doesnt smoke, her husband does. I am not ending up like her.No way.

But the bottom line is i dont know what else may have happened which he wont tell me of cos. He could very well have met some lady, he even contacted an ex and i wouldnt have known unless i asked. She's getting married so she didnt meet him.

alot could have happened and alot may happen in the future which i will be just an ignorant fool...how do i live with that.
 
Oh and he also knows that i didnt go further in a relationship with an ex simply because he used to smoke and drink...yet he chose to do this..,

I really wish he would tell me he wants a divorce.
 
Buyerz,

I guess you were rite in some way...
Becoz of my wife, i gave up the business to the partners and now am back to work for my previous boss...

Things did not turn for the better....
Although we are not getting divorce anymore, i no longer feel any love from her anymore.
We still stay in the same hse but seperate beds and worse yet i am not allowed to touch her....
Its a very very very complicated affair between us.... Very hard to explain...

Recently i discovered she been hiding alot things from me, if you read my other posts you will know.... Big things and small things....

Alot of ppl given this kinda situation will probably give up and move on.... I dunno why i still stayed...
Maybe becoz of my 2 girls...

True alot things may hv happened and may happen in future behind your back, but i dunno why ppl can take Marriage and Divorce so lightly....
Is this the result of modernisation today ?

There are a million ppl out there who seriously deserves my love far more than my wife, maybe its time to go before i get any older....
But i guess wats stopping me is, i took an oath to take care of her for life, in sickness in health and forsaking others...
Am i too emotional and too traditional ?
 
to behonest i think with the advent of the internet, many marriages have broken down, many teens have been straying to no end...

its just too easy to get porn online, to get prostitutes online, to meet men/women online...facebook is enuf for that matter....

U really are something to stay on, i dont know any man who would do that...

But look ing at ur wife's attitude, she would probably not fight for custody right?

I dont take divorce lightly but right now and for the past few months, all i keep thinking is, if i dont leave him now, i may just regret it in a few yrs' time.
 
wellness:
I think ur wife has resorted to seeking solace and advice from another man and maybe she hasnt done anything but he probably is interested in her.

get a PI to allay ur fears.
 
confront her with the evidence and see what she says...i dont think ignorance is always bliss...sometimes its best to know...
 
Buyerz,

to be frank i did found smt....
Some msgs from her email and facebook....

If i leave means she won and gets wat she wants....
And i will be left with nothing except my girls....

Also i do hv evidence she did not want the kids....
You might get a clearer picture if you read my posts on top...
 
to behonest if u leave y do u feel u get nothing except ur girls?

What do u have now? Shes not really being a wife is she? So u already have nothing but ur girls now...

She will regret it one day
 
Buyerz,

thanks for your advice...
It seems we are diverting from your topic to mine... Haha....

I dunno how to explain to you actually...
How would you define "being a wife" ?
She still cooks, still do the laundry, still takes care of the kids and we still go out as a family.... The only difference is we are not intimate anymore, if you catch wat i meant....

I guess its precisely i know she will regret it one day, dat is why i dun want it to happen and probably dats why i stayed....
Its really a dilemma wat i should do and must do....

Maybe i am too emotional and traditional, marriage and divorce should not be taken so lightly without sparing a thought for the people around you...
Maybe for me if i made the decision i would regret it one day too rite ?
So its really contradicting as to wat to do and wat not to do....
 
Maybe the intimacy is lost cos of her depression?I
Perhaps she doesn't feel attractive anymore?
I'm just as confused. When I thought our marriage was getting better n we weren't arguing asmuch it turned out that he was looking for online companionship.

I told him not to come back home n to go to his dads place. I know he prob has more opportunity to go online or watwver but I suddenly don't care. Guess that's another sign tt the love is gone cos previously I would be jealous n worried.
 
I don't know wat to do too.
It'll get ugly I know. He'll fight tooth n nail for our child but o know he cannot care for a child as well as I can. Financially more secure. My qualifications r higher too hence I can teach more n be a better role model. I m more patient n will not beat but he will. His mum can't take care she has nvr once changed a soiled diaper.

Wat shall I do. God.
 
Hv faith...
Think in a clear mind...
The only reason for you to leave is he was violent, and violence in the family can nv be tolerated in any way....

As for me, the whole world will want me to leave, but i juz cant bear to do it.... It sounds unfair to me as she shows no sign of remorse nor repent after wat happened....

It seems i am the one suffering and needs counselling more than she does......
 
i dont know why u are holding on when someone already wants to let go...u r a good man, just when i thought ur breed no longer exists...

maybe she will also come to her senses, lets hope its the depression thats talking...and she will snap out of it, soon.
 
I am the last of my kind....
Sounds like i juz came out from an alien movie...

Seriously, i am the last of my kind....
Most ppl would be too happy to leave so they could find new love.... I assumed they do not know the meaning of Unconditional Love....

I been staying under the same roof with this woman for 5 yrs... Love blossomed and to give up for no valid reason such as mine is really wasted...
 
now im dreading next weekend, Father's Day.
i know he will demand to take our child out with his family. his mum will be the one with the bright idea. I dont want to let him do it cos i know he knows how to make me suffer bysaying that he wont wanna bring our child back and instead stay over at his parent's place.
 
We have not spoken for the past few days. WHat's there to speak about when i cannot trust a sngle word that comes out of his mouth.

He will deliberately take my child away cos he knows my weakness.
 
he will create more trouble then cos he will say as if i dont know its fathers day and my own father is no longer around but his is.
 
i am literally living in fear...my heart is palpitating each second cos i know theres gonna be a showdown this weekend where he'll turn up unannounced to take my child.

i suppose legally, i cannot do anything.
 
Hi,

been reading the posts here, now and then.

Buyerz, please do not fear. Do not worry unnecessarily and give yrself undue stress. Mayb he will not do anything (given his selfish attitude; only care for himself) or even if he will come over this weekend, you can't really do anything, do you?

Even if you guys were divorced, you also can't restrain your child from spending time with him, right? Somehow, he is still the father of your child. You can't change that fact...

So, don't fret too much. If somthing bound to happen, we also can't stop it. We are only human. Take care....
 
Hi Celia I know I can't do anything but I've nvr been apart from my girl n knowing that he will purposely take her out n then become uncontactable is my fear. N his parents will join in.
 
Hi guys....

Been a long time since i came in....
Hows every body doing ?
Hope i helped buyers and others in some way...

Would like to seek advice from you ppl again...
Wat would you do if you discovered your spouse had taken up smoking ??
If you read up my posts you know wat kind of situation i am in....
So far we are getting on fine.... Would you risk another arguement if you confiscate the cigs ?
All along i been giving in to her for alot of things but for this i dun think i can give in....

She stopped for awhile but now started again, so i reckon she is abit addicted....
I wanted to confiscate the pack but worry we might end up in an arguement....

Wat you all think ??
 
hi wellness,

how have u been? hope everyhing gets better for u :>

i think u shld advice her in subtle ways.

eg. if u smoke at home , jus say gently pls don smoke as particles can stick to the items in the house and isvery bad for ur children!

maybe she will slowly stop??

don be harsh n scold her immediately ..if may worsen her depression if she has any at all.

perhaps if she realli seeing another man outside (pardon me what i say), maybe tat man oso influence her on smoking..

u jus slowly tok to her convince her right and wrong :>

for me i already like given up my love for my man..i jus get on with everyday life jus for my gal..its like i live my life for her only n my own parents family.
 
Hi val,

Thanks for your concern...
I guess the one who is under depression is me....

Do you know how hard it is for me to hang on ?
I mean, she is the one who wants to leave...
She could juz leave without a care for anyone or anything...
But to me the one who really cares and love her is a very very big blow to me...

Now the one who got a problem is me... I started smoking becoz of her. Actually i took hers and smoke...
Well i wasnt a smoker but I can smoke, i used to smoke anyway but i stopped for a very long time...

Giving up is so easy to do... Juz Walk out and dats it...
Nodody will care but in my case i cared...
And i wasnt appreciated for wat i had done

Is this really the end ?
Or shld i check in into a mental hospital ?
Nobody really knows the suffering i am going thru...
The emotional suffering and mental torture is enuf to kill me...

I really feel like giving up so so many times but smt tells me to hold on...
I really dunno how long i can last...
I am really really tired...
 
if u go mental hospital what ur children??

always think for ur children first if ur wife realli don wan u or them. so pls don start smoking n doing negative things ..all these may have bad impact on ur children.

like me i think for my gal first..
 
Everything i do is not appreciated...
I wanted so bad to make this marriage work but nothing i do is rite to her...

I really wanted to give up...
I really admire those who had taken the plunge...
I for certain do not hv the courage to do so...
I do not want to make a decision dat i will regret yrs later
 
Hi mums & dads..

Any good lawyers to contact? I'm checking for a close associate. She's not planning yet, just wanna check for advice on the odds of gaining custody of her child & procedures involve, 'just in case'. Usually gotto paid a consultation fee for this as well huh?? Any ideas how much?
 
Hi...

Can advised me wat to do? Divorce or not?

1) When we prepared for ROM, i contact the soleminizer myself & juz inform him. Juz ask him when to ROM & proceed.

2) When we prepared for Customary, he was mostly out to play with his cousin din help out in the preparation. I do survey for wedding photo & restaurant juz inform him & he juz pay. All was i ask him how many table ur parent & ur frenz needed.

3) When i was preggy, he will ask me to inform his mum about my check-up & ask his mum accompany to check-up. Thru-out the 10month preggy, he was with only detailed scanning, 3 time monthly check-up.

4) When baby was out, prepared for full month celebration. I source for catering while on the bed & the cake ordering as give away. ( cake is only for his parent's side as budget constraint) the buffet & cake was pay by ang bao for my baby from my dad's strike 4D & my aunty. He nv chip in abit... Massage lady also i use my own money which he said he wanna pay end up NO.

5) When looking aft my gal, he believe wat his mum's said only when he free or all of sudden chk internet & realised that baby cant drink too much water & honey. He dun dare to told me juz secretly told his mum.

6) Whenever we quarrel, he give cold shoulder i got to give in no matter wat but i cant forget. WHen he was drunk, he will beat me occasionally if he talk to me while i sleep din reply him. Stress...

7) Cut is short, my co recently employed 1 new driver quite young. He lik me but i told him we cant. In msn he will called me baby, dear or ai ai... but i cant stop him from calling all these name, tired argueing with the new driver. He suspect & think we are a pair.

I tot of leaving him last year when i feel stress perhaps is depression. on 4th Oct 2009 was our 1st anniversary but also chinese mooncake festival. I ask him to go out & shopping & have our dinner, he choose to stay at home with his parent & cousin to hv dinner. Am i asking too much to ask him out for dinner on our anniversary?

I really dunno how long i can last as i tot of commit suicide & forget everything....
 
Hi Wellness, havent been in here for some time so jus wanted to check how r u n ur wife?

Hi princess-mum,

i have been thro some stuff like u. my husband slapped me b4 during quarrel n in front of bb!

i thought of divorce a few times already but gave it up for the child cause the child need a full family. u shld oso think for the child.

my HB oso never help out much for the wedding prep, only accompany me less than 5 times to gyane checkup and especially during the last trimester checkup he never go at all. he is at work always excuse make more $. my in laws oso side wif him on a lot of things.

recently earlier this yr, quarreled fiercely again but still i tahan. n guess wat? im so damn unlucky im preggie again now !!!!!!! when i dont even wish to have another child of his again!!!!!
 
Val,

if you do not wish to have his child again, then y let him touch u in the first place and worse wif no precaution?
 
hi val,

i am well, but only for myself...
relationship wise... not so good
we went for another counselling session recently but it didnt really turn out as expected...

in short our last session she says she will try to come back into the relationship, but now the recent session she says she doesnt want to try anymore as she feels its pointless...
i was saddened at 1st, but now i dun feel sad anymore... i hv done all dat i could to save the relationship but every time i was not appreciated...
so now watever she do i literally dun care anymore... I MEAN REALLY SERIOUSLY DUN CARE ANYMORE...

really feel like finding some new friends to go out with...

Princess-Mum
As i always feel, violence is not a good sign especially when he drinks and is not clear of his actions. still its not an excuse. to leave or not to leave will depend on how you feel abt him... from wat i see above is he is not caring towards you.

Val
I envy your HB, no offence sorry... he still gets 'IT' from you... I have not been 'active' for 2 yrs already...
 
Hi...happened to chance upon this tread!

My husband and I are still together...but we hv been quarrelling over the issue of a woman! Someone who loves my hubby and he has also admitted to me before and to some of his other frens that he is tempted..but he knows where his boundary is and will not cross the line....

But later i discovered they hv been smsing and those mushy words like miss u, do u miss me? etc....but he denied everythg...

In front of others, we seems fine and loving..but actually we are not right..just that both of us did not really address the root (which is that woman)...cos whenever i bring up the issue of her, we will quarrel cos' he is so defensive of her!!!!

So to avoid further arguements which will dampen our r/s and marriage further, we just leave her topic...

So tired and sian..but i still cant let go of him cos i dun want her to have him so easily!!!!
 
Hi...happened to chance upon this tread!

My husband and I are still together...but we hv been quarrelling over the issue of a woman! Someone who loves my hubby and he has also admitted to me before and to some of his other frens that he is tempted..but he knows where his boundary is and will not cross the line....

But later i discovered they hv been smsing and those mushy words like miss u, do u miss me? etc....but he denied everythg...

In front of others, we seems fine and loving..but actually we are not right..just that both of us did not really address the root (which is that woman)...cos whenever i bring up the issue of her, we will quarrel cos' he is so defensive of her!!!!

So to avoid further arguements which will dampen our r/s and marriage further, we just leave her topic...

So tired and sian..but i still cant let go of him cos i dun want her to have him so easily!!!!
 
Haitong, is ur hb serious abt her? or jus play play?

ultimately its up to u n ur hb to sit down n have a good talk or try go for counselling
 
i feel that my hubby not that type who will toy your feelings...

But this woman damn bitchy as in she likes him before we got married and even thou married and got kids now also she does not mind and she keeps coming forward to him...until i guess guys will not ctrl eventually if a girl who keeps coming to u!

So now, i also dunno if they still on or off or wat cos' my hubby does not go out late now. But i cant stop them contacting via hp or smses or fb or email..

I suggested counselling before but he never ans or talk to me abt this maybe ego or pride i guess....
 
Hi all,

How are you doing ? I hope you hv resolved the differences btw you and HBs and wifes too...

Of coz nobody would want to marry only to divorce in the end, but if it really had no choice then its a sad thing...

I am here today to seek help from ppl who hv gone thru the process and hoping if there are any lawyers out there to seek advice...
I hv with me a note stating my wife is willing to give up custody, although she did not say the exact words but its a hint. I seek help from lawyers, whether i can use this note to gain full custody or not... I am sure the lawyer may need to see the content of the note 1st so if anyone can help pls do contact me...

Thank you...
 
I know alot of the people here are going through a painful and emotional process.If you have not signed the papers and there is probably hope of salvaging the marriage,continue to try.Give unconditional love to your spouse with no expectation of any return if you still truely love him/her.Anyone will be deeply touched with unconditional love.Try to understand your spouse from his/her perception to understand what he/she is facing.
If divorce has already happened,I hope you can move on with your life and don't carry the 'emotional' burden with you.Do not bring any hatred with you.Let it go and the pain will lessen as time goes by.Focus on fulfilling your roles & duties in life.eg.taking care & educating your children.

You can change yourself to be a happier person just like what 了凡 has done to change his fate. You may want to watch 了凡四訓 to understand how he has changed his fate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzjkvT1rML0&feature=related
 
Hi!
He is unfaithful and has admitted to his extramarital affair. I am willing to forgive him but he still wants to leave me and kids.

Can he file for seperation or divorce even if I don't agree to it?
 
Hi

i having some problem with my hb. we are married for 4yrs. and have a 3yr old son.

he havent been intimate for 2yrs+. i feel we both drifted apart.

and recently, he say he got no heart to save the marriage and he also say he wont do anything to save the marriage too.

he is just leaving things as it is now.

what shd i do??? but i can say the love is not there anymore.
 
Hi Cheryl,
Not sure why is hb behaving like this? Do u think he has already met someone else outside?

Lately I was reading an online e-book "Deciding whether or not to get a divorce?" by Karl Augustine. Read the preview, his divorce articles and some of his regular tips, haven't gotten much insights, but might be helpful for some to get started.

http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

Divorce is a serious matter, I do not encourage any couple to go thru it. It's nt easy for two persons to come together and be unioned as hb & wife. Do give a very thorough and clear thought on this. Unless there is no way to salvage - and ur factors of considerations are definitely nt the same as mine, so I can't comment much. Only u will hv the answer ya. Watever path u choose, I wish the best for u.

For me, I'm now 31weeks into my pregnancy, feeling excited and anxious all at the same time. I cry whenevr I think of the future of my baby.

My hb left me for someone (some foreigner young girl) who "freelanced" in his pub last Oct. I tried working out things with him for a few months, but when he is decided tt he chose her over me & bb, I moved out since Feb this year.

He is guilty and still insist tt he will want to be here for us. But It doesn't make sense to me. During this time, I need my hb & father of my child with me.. But, he chose to leave me when i needed him most. We were togther for 14yrs, married for 2yrs.

I'm jus waiting for my bb to arrive b4 I can settle the legal paperwork with him. In the last few meet-up with him, he cried and keep assuring tt he will be there for me and bb, and tt he'll always love me and bb. But at the end of the day, those r just words (with no much meaning if it doesn't coincide with his actions, isn't it?)

We r still talking and he call sometimes to chat & share with me his prob at pub. He started his pub in June last yr, ha financial prob. I hv in fact supported him alot, gave him all my savings to help sustain. Recently I loan him another small sum which he promised to return but yet to. Sigh, those are the monies I kept aside for my gynae fee, hospitalisation, confinement, baby stuffs..

For me, it helps tt I am preparing myself for the worst. To be single mum to my baby. Tho in my heart, I noe I love him v much. Can't jus erase way we been thru for 14 years..
 


hi all i crying as im writing this...im married for going 3 yrs..have a 2 yr old and a 3 mnths old kids. my hubby has been supporting us all these while im full time mum. alll along he has bad bad temper and always quarrel if i control him. he say i cannot control him cause he is the breadwinner..i can spend his $$ but don control him!!!

recently i found out he has been going out often drinking dinner wif frens or relatives..i suspect of another woman but m not sure.. he can hug the kids at time but never take care of them for more than 2 hrs..even when my gal is sick oso never help out or come home if i ask him to come back early.

he always use $$ to pressure me..saying my job is to take care kids n don bother or control him on anything..his parents support his ideas and his ways..they oso scold me for nagging him!!!!

everything happened when we had children.. i seriously wonder whether he can be gd father.

im prepared to be a single mum BUT i need the $$$ cause i have 2 kids now..i desperately hope i can find cheap gd lawyer to get high maintenance allowance frm hubby if we get divorce..any1 can help?

he said he can give children to me but i don believe..wat can i do? im realli realli very upset n wanna get over wif it
 
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