Am i really going to spend the rest of my life with this man?

Y

yi_baobao

Member
Hi,

on 5th Jan's night,he slap my 23 mth girl on her lap for making noise (coz she's tired & want to slp).he ask her to shut up at 1st,but she cry,so he slap her 1 time,she cry even louder,he ask her to keep quiet,but of coz she can't coz itz painful..& so he keep slaping her until i step in..
i told him nicely that children at her age is like that when they are tired.we parents have to be more patient..he shout at me :"you teach her since u r so clever"!
he is a mummy's boy,he always agree to his mum no matter right or wrong.& so i mentioned that my mil also agree that we should hv patient on kids..
he shout at me:"if u not happy,u can die back ur mum's hse"!..
i got very upset & i carry my girl & left the hse..at 1st i thot of going to my mum hse,but i still headed for my mil hse as i do thot,if were to go to my mum,it might make things worse & can't settle this issue,bcoz i still want to salvage my marridge.
so in the end his dad gave him a scolding & that's it...

actually, i hv long given up hope on him.
i told myself that with no expectation,i will have no disappointment.this way,i'll feel better..don't ecpect him to spend some time with my girl even if he is free,don't expect him to take care of me when i am hospitalise due to dengue,don't expect him to show care & concern to me & don expect him to respect me as a wife or mother of my girl..

can't talk to him if i hv encounter problems with ppl at work,he will just say that i got no brain,why don talk back,why don't stab back ppl..

i simply can't get any love,care & concern from the man i once love so deeply..

i have comitted suicide for twice before,admitted to IMH once..

1st time was mum force me to pack my stuff & bring baby out of our hse,bcoz he always take it out on me & my girl whenever he is unhappy.mum force me to divorce him,i took half bottle of detergent & ended up in ttsh..still,i do not want to divorce him then .i cannot accept the fact that i will follow my mum's footstep & let my girl grow up in a broken family..i want her to grow up happily & in the hand of love & healthy family..i hv been thru this when mum divorce dad when i was 7..1 day when i wake up from my sleep & find myself in my aunt's hse..i hv never seen my mum,dad,sis & bro from them on untill i turn 12..i lost my closest kin overnight..where have they gone?! i left school at 14 to work as mum was certified with leukemia.i am not well educated but i know,i must try my best to provide the best for my girl.& infact my hb is not like me,he is well educated,work in gov..he doesn't spare a thought for me & atleast respect my decision.to him,woman are cheap & lower level animal..
i just don understand why we can't talk things over nicely when we have some disagreement?why he have to show me face?

this morning while i was taking train to work,i asked myself.am i?am i going to stay in this type of unhappy marriage life with this man?
i just want a peaceful & happy life.a simple family life will do..
 


ur mum is right. i feel u shld leave him too. it's not worth staying on in this marriage. u n ur gal will b happier on ur own. fyi my own hb is like tat. v temperamental. he wld often vent his unhappiness, frustration on me and now our gal too. i had enough and i'm now filing to get out of this marriage. my gal n i have been happy since. jia you!!!
 
miorei,thanks.
but i do not have the courage to tear this family apart.i do not have confident that i will bring my girl up well..
 
i dun've either but i will do my best. it's better tat our children grow up in an environment full of love. do not let ur past experience get to u. i'm sure u r n will b a fantastic mum to ur child. have faith in ourselves then we can take on any challenge ahead of us.
 
tricia,
do you think ur gal will grow up happily in this kind of environment?
You must have confident in urself, to b able to bring happiness to your gal.
Approach a lawyer and work out the maintenance amount that ur hb need to come out with for your gal.
 
tricia, u have to get hold of your life. If u contune to behave this way(committing suicide) u might lose the custody of your child.
 
All,thanks alot.
Somehow,i still hope that he will change.he doesn't smoke,club,drink or have any bad habit..if he were to learn his mistake
& cherish us,that is still the better ending right?i send him an email on friday night..i have been try very hard to salvage our marridge.since we can't talk face to face,i sms him,still cannot.i tried to talked to him over the phone.send him email is my last solution.what i'm trying to do is to let him know.i have made an effort in saving my marridge.& i won't feel sorry at all even if my marridge were to fail.i have no regret & i have not done anything wrong.
 
Just a tot! There is always a tolerance limit in everyone's heart. If he exceed your time frame and does not shown any improvement to treat you and kid better, maybe you should consider an alternative. To move on can be a blessing at time.
 
i think personally broken family is better than abusive family.

I am also from a broken family but i chose to learn from my mum's mistake.

You'll only let ur ger learn that it's normal for a husband to be abusive (verbal abusive is also abusive) to his wife, just like her dad.
 
hiz tricia...my heart goes out to u n ur girl upon reading ur post...

my thots...
u mentioned "i want her to grow up happily & in the hand of love & healthy family"...is e environment u r in now w ur hubby a loving n healthy family...??
to me i dun think so...as wat jessica ong has mentioned...it'll only let ur gal learn tt itz normal for a hubby to be verbally n physically abusive to his wife...
also ur hubby's thinking tt "woman are cheap & lower level animal" will ve -ve effect on ur gal's mental being...she most probably will grow up w tt thinking in mind...not gd right...??
in such a situation...i wld rather my kid grow up in a broken yet loving caring n happy family...itz no point having a whole family with no love n care existing...

with such a guy...i dun see a point in hurting urself over him....juz think he doesn't care or love u doesn't mean u ve to hurt urself to win his care n love....all e more u shld love urself n ur gal n be strong not only for her but also urself.....u gotta stop behaving irrationally as it will affect ur chances of custody of ur gal...

it'll be tough bringing ur gal up alone...but from wat u posted...i guess ur mum will be supportive of ur decision...?? maybe u can work out with her if she's able to help u look after ur girl while u tide over e tough times...look far ahead for u n ur gal's future...i believe it'll definately be brighter n better den now....
 
dear all,thks for all ur advise & concern.
i am still hanging on to my marriage.
i love him.& i love my girl.life before our marriage was perfect.
i suppose that is exactly what i can't let go.sometimes,he is okay.while sometimes not.
i just took 2 painkiller to ease my chest pain.the pain came not long after he verbal abuse me..i thot i should be able to withstand it,as i am getting so used to that..i dare not pose my status hear as i know what is the best solution to get myself out of it.but i can't bear to let go,of the past.but i indeed need to let out my sorrows & pains..mummies,pls do not look down on me as i am not strong to leave this marriage.i know i alone can bring up my girl.i know itz not that tough as long as i try my best.but..i can't bear to.
 
If your mother can give you the support to leave him, you can do so.
I understand that it will be hard but maybe for the begining.
Anyway, decision is still yours but if you will to stay pls be strong and stand up for yourself and your child. Don let him bully you again.
Take Care and be strong
 
we will not look down on you, but the more you tolerate him, the more he abuse you, why? think of it this way, if one day your gal is being beaten up by him, can you take it, you can take pain killer to ease the pain, how abt the kid?
 
hi tricia, if you are unhappy, please leave him and start your life afresh. there are so many successful stories of couples who took a second chance in marriage.
 
hi tricia,

since he listens to his mom - can you try to convince his mom that your hubby should try to change his temper and show more care and concern towards u and daughter?

are there family activities that your hubby enjoy? e.g. family outing or playing with your daughter If so, do those more often.

I also recommend you watch 弟子规 by 蔡礼旭老师 (available for free download at http://www.dfg.cn). In the program he teaches many life skills and value that may help you to solve the problems. If you can, get your husband to watch it together. PM me if you would like a set of VCD / DVD instead - I'll try to get it and deliver to you. (don't worry it's free)

A child growing up in a single parent family is a poor child. I hope your marriage issues can be resolved soon.
 
hi mummies,thks alot for evrything.
michael,my mil is the typical traditional women,hb & sons are all right.
if his son throw his dirty garment on the floor,she will just pick up & wash it.so don't expect my mil will help me.even if she jolly well knew very clearly how her son treats me when he is in bad mood,she will just tell me,her son is like that.
Leng Leng,nope.like i say,life before marriage was perfect.last 3 wks,he yell at me again,he said i am just like my mum,he say i no 家教& my mother never teach me..we stay at my mum's hse during my confinement.he got no $ then,mum was also poor,she go borrow $ from loan shark to help me with my confinement.in the end,hb got to know it & say my mum only do shameless things.
 
what do we want to give our children?
1. let them behave in whatever way they like
2. all the material things we can afford
3. let them become a good person, filial, respectable by others, independent and able to solve problems on their own, get along well with others, have many friends whom they can rely on.

Ask your MIL the above question. If her choice is 3, then time for everyone to learn 弟子规。
 
i prawn the jewels given by my fil to help my mum with the debt.
u know what,back then mum tell me to faster move out of her hse,i knew she is worried that in the day time,only me & bb at home.
but how can i make use of my mum & left her in the lurch after that.
to me,nothing is important than my kins.although i seriously don wish to prawn my fil's present.but i will do it.
mum is not well educated,neither am i.therefore can't blame her for not thinking much of the cons for loaning from vampires..
but she brought me & my 3 other bro & sis up.
 
that was all past.i no longer keep on reminding myself what he hv done to hurt & make me go into crazy & depression state.
i am trying & been learning to be a good mother to my girl.
i no longer waits for his care & concern.
now,everything is better,he will ocasionally teaches my girl everything she want to learn.
i no longer do silly things.coz i love her.love my family.love my hb..even if he might not love me as much. i still do.
 
piglet,
possible to get him sit down & talk,
ask him why b4 marriage, after marriage he's so different?

Much communication is needed in a relationship.

Be Strong, Jia you.
happy.gif
 
Live on. Hang in there.
Dont give up ur life easily. remember there r so many ppl fighting for their lives against sickness.
So many attempts to commit suicide, ur child may end up in a broken family too if u die. Who will take good care of her if u r gone?
 
I felt a tug in my heart as I read Tricia’s post. This is a woman

- who says she is “ not well educated”. But seriously, you look at the way she writes, she is not any lousier than many forum users here (sorry to say this).
- Who has high EQ – she decided to go back to her MIL place instead of mum. She doesn’t want to blow the matter out of proportion. And she doesn’t just blah back at her colleagues (she cited hubby remarked “got no brain,why don talk back,why don't stab back ppl”)
- Who maybe has very high IQ too – going back to MIL place and let the parents deal with her hubby (haha… clap clap!)
- Is very strong-still standing, sane and wants the best for her family, marriage and child

Tricia is in the best position to decide if she should stay in this marriage and if she can provide for her child. But in a long run, nothing is impossible and nobody is indispensable.

I am not sure if a whole family (got father got mother) is really the best situation for a young child. A parent who is not behaving right (set bad example, is negative and will bring harm to the child e.g. incest/abuse etc) may best be out of the child’s life. We always feel the grass is greener beyond and always think we don’t have the best (and what we have is always the second-best only).

Does your hubby listen to his mum/parents? I always feel that a person can’t be too bad if he/she listens to his/her parents esp his/her mum. I also sense that you are on good terms with your parents-in-law (you can go and seek refuge when you escape from home). How about talking to your hubby with them around? Or get them to help to convey the message?

How about moving out for a while to see if you can ‘survive without him’? Like I say, nobody is indispensable. Maybe in a while, you will realize you can do it by yourself. Without you in his life, he may realize how good you have been to him and how nice life is with you around 

We all need to be reminded once in a while to count our fortune and to stop complaining 
 
Never ever take your life. Do you realise how many hearts you will break?

I know i would break my parents' hearts if I commit suicide/die before them because my heart would be broken if my child dies.
 
dear mummies who advise.
thanks alot for all the care & advise here.
life still moves on,my dept is restructuring..work load has increase alot.
my girl is coming to 3 next year Feb.
recently hb changed alot but i don know how long it will last this time.it doesn't really matter now.
ever since i told myself,no expectation = no disappointment,i guess i hv long let this man go.

but i appreciate his effort in bonding with my girl..
guess the only thing we share now is our girl.
atleast he still loves her.
hb came home late last night & guess what?my princess asked me "mummy,where daddy?" & i told her daddy will be back home late.
she insist on waiting for her dad to come home till she dozed off on the sofa.
guess she feel being loved by her dad now..
i spend all of my time on work & princess.hoping & trying hard for princess to grow up happily..
 
hi piglet, so glad to hear that...
yes, you're def not alone.. it's so sad that so many of us have to resort to painfully coming to terms with the fact that "no expectation of hubby = no disappointment".
we all deserve our happiness, love and respect. and yes, as mummies, will do all in our ability to provide the best for our sons/daughters.

wishing you the very best..
 
Hi Piglet

How are you doing right now? Am hoping that everything will turn out right and positive. but if the circumstances are getting worst, you need to talk to your hb about your relationship for the sake of the child. if it does not work, discuss with him not about your relationship as hb and wife but the welfare of your child. that is the most that you can do to cater the well being to the child despite all the odds you've been through with him. after all, you deserve a happy life.
 
hi piglet,

I think you are a very strong minded lady. After reading your story, I also agree with bluemarinesg. Do take care and hope things work out for you.
 
mummies,
ever since my last post dd July 28, lots & lots of things happended.
he wanted to further his studies & insist on moving home with my pil & rent our house out (so that he will have the income to further his studies). initially i agree. To me, if it's good for him, i will agree & willing to do my part.
one day, we had an arguement which triggered him to throw stuff at me- the iron & the ironing board, my girl's writing table & when he lift up her ikea mammut chair, my girl run to him & pull his shorts & cried :" daddy, don't beat mummy"..it was only then , he put down the chair & stop his nonsence.... i stop visiting my pil after that incident. i too told him. the current house is a home for me & my girl. i am not going to leave here for any reason. i married him thinking he is the man that i can reply on for the rest of my life. since this is not the case now, i will not do anything for him. at least staying in my home, i feel so secure, i have my space & my girl.

i will hold my head high as i have not done him any wrong.

mummies, he is a buddishm & is a vegeterian. we slept apart for about 6 months plus. he requested that & i have agreed- to me, i will support him if it's good for him.

i told him, between hb & wife is not only about sex. as long as i can feel the love from him, i am still as blissful & i really do not mind..
i told my pil that if he will to lay a finger on me i will apply for PPO & ruin him.
the incident hurt my girl deeply. for quite sometime, she keep asking me :" mummy, daddy beat u right?" "mummy, u cry right?".. i told her daddy loves us as always..

this incident happened 3 months ago. every thing is back to normal now.
 
Hi Piglet, maybe you can share with him this nice article.

http://www.dizang.org/rm/aa/tanyg.htm

excerpt:
学佛要从那里学起？一定要从做人学起。人都做不好，怎能作佛、作菩萨？所以佛在《观无量寿佛经》教我们修学的基础─‘三福’。‘三福’的第一福，经上讲了四句：‘孝养父母、奉事师长、慈心不杀、修十善业’，这四句是人天福，看起来很简单，义理却是无尽的深广。
 
Piglet,

Your story makes me cry..
hubbi start to be violent to me even when i carry baby ..
I wanted a divorce. but was stopped by my parents..
I ask my mum..
What if my boy takes his dad as a role example ?
what if my boy see his dad beating him mum..
What if one day he beat me and my boy up.
What if one day, u just found me dead .
Will u regret not allowing me a divorce ?
 
hi ladybof,

do wat u think is right....no point asking for opinions....i have been thru your stage asking srd for opinions....finally is still ur decision that makes the move....

think for yourselves.....does he have a future for u....does u wan to leave with him for the rest of your life....i have made my decision... and i am going to tell myself that i am not going to regret for the rest of my life....

good luck to you....clear ur mind and think wat u wan....
 
it has been quite sometime ever since i update post here.

sometimes back in june, he suddenly 'ki siao' again one day.. he told me be it i like it or not, i have to shift down of our house by August as he want to rent out the whole unit & further his studies using the funds he got from renting out unit.

i refuse to move into pil's house as i can foresee things would only get worsen..

at the point of time, my heart for him died. he has gone to the extend of ' chasing' me out of the hosue.. fine, i told him, i will rent a unit outside & he can go ahead with what he want. meanwhile let's file for a seperation then..i want my girl to be with me & i will not take a single cents from him, i don't wish to be obstacles to his studies.. but, mummies..you guys can never guess what he said then..
he told me, why file for seperation? you might as well file for divorce straight away.

to him, he do not need to think twice of the family, our marriage our girl. but i still wanted to think twice..

he told me to go ahead & move out of the house while he will bring our girl back to his parents' horse.. i can don want a single cents from him, all i ask is to allow my girl to be with me..
he told me, T's custody would not go to me as i suffered from depression before. he got very strong family support while i don't have, he got a sturdy job, civil servant & educational better than me, earn more than me..

i went thru hell then.. i brought my girl to waterfront & wanted to throw her down & follow by myself..while walking there, this little girl of mine just being so innocent. she was singing along, holding my hand & walk beside me...i just can't bear..so i headed home..

i told myself, i am not going to let this idiot bully me again.. life got to go on, he is very nice to our girl now.
do you know, i have never seen anyone like him before. he does not take money home, as he claimed that i always over spend. fine, so i will buy the stuff first & show him receipt later. sometimes, he will ask me to buy something & later refuse to pay me back.. i don want to be calculatiive to him either, as me myself also don't like the current lifestyles now..but i am left with not much since he don''t give me a single cents & expect me to support the household expenses..

since, he said those things that i bought isn't necessary, then i ask him to do the marketing instead.. but later part, he ask me " why should i pay"? best part is this morning, i ask him to buy some groceries for tonight's dinner.. he said he is not eating at home as he will going for a bbq with his friends....

life is miserable with this idiot. he always said that he is fending /support me as he is the one who pay off the monthly pub...

i really do not know what to say now.
i still iron his clothes this afternoon. i just want to do my part as a wife. although he did not behave like a man.
 
Tricia, I think I am in the same position as you. My husband has a very bad temper, everytime he gets agitated, he will walk off. Just like that. No matter how late or even when I was pregnant, he din care. Just walk off, leaving me alone in the streets and this can be midnight. When I tried going after him, he doesn't care, doesn't look back or stop to even want to talk to me. And when I tried calling him, he either dun answer or he cuts my line before I can finish one sentence. When I caught up with him eventually, I cried and ask him why he is doing this to me. He got impatient and shouted at me, say I embarrass him in public. This happen all the time. I'm just so sick and tired of this. He will tell me, just leave him alone. Then he will return home at 3 or 4 am, shut himself at another room, locked it even, and gave me the cold shoulder for days. Until I gave in to him. And i start to apologize when it's not even my fault!
You dunno how many times I have cried over how he treated me. Before marriage, he was like this and I told him I want to end the relationship and I can't marry him cos I know I can't endure this kind of treatment. He came to beg me to give him one last chance, that he won't hurt me this way anymore. And he says he loves me and wants to marry me. But after marriage, he doesn't change. I told him what he said to me Before marriage and he says, just let him be a bastard then. He has also brought up divorce to me and says he is better off single than married.
Some times, when he throws his temper, he throws things around and he doesn't think. He can throw iPad, laptop. He isn't using his rational self, it's very scary. He even punched walls and doors, doors has holes in them now.
We have a child and I am really stuck. I dun want my child to have a broken family, yet I have cried so many times over this man.
 
Just FYI, according to research, children look up to their fathers as role model.
Whether they like the dad or not, they will behave, think and even act like the father.
I dunno, but if I were u, I would leave, for the sake of the child.
Build a family with your mum. She will always have you back coz she loves you. Just as you love your bb.
Would you rather have your bb grow up in a family with a violent father or a peaceful family without a father?
Of coz, everything is definitely to be decided by you, since you are the one bearing all consequences.
 
Hi all,

I have been thinking to get a divorce with my hubby.

I feel that I have no feeling to him & the reason for dragging this issue is becos of my 2 gals who are 2 & 4 years old.

He can consider as a good dad & can see that he loves the gals. But we are behaving like stranger. We seldom talk except discussing over gals' matters. Even after my gals sleep, we sit in the living room, watching tv program but we dun communicate, just do ownself things & after that we will go to sleep (We sleep in separate room - He sleeps with my elder gal while I sleep with my younger gal).

Ever since married him, he has fiancial problem. Although he earned 3k per month but always not enough to pay for house & credit cards debt. I have been giving home tutor since married & I have been helping him in term of money many times.

After I have my 2 gals, his financial is still the same. Although I am not earning much, I pay for my gals' everything like diapers, milk, childcare fees, vaccination, seeing doctor when they are sick etc. He never bother to ask how much do I need to pay for their expenses. Sometimes, I really think since I am the one who pay for all their expenses, then what is the point to hold on to this marriage. I can feel that he no longer love/care abt me.

The only thing we need him is to ferry my gals to childcare & to my workplace.

The feeling of leaving him is getting stronger stronger & I am worried that if I divorce with him, what will happen to my two gals. Will their mental get affected? Another thing is he dun bother to visit my parents now. He always gives many excuses like need to work etc.

My mum had helped us a lot in term of financial & becos of him, we owed my mum's a lot of money which I dunno when I can return back to my mum.
 
I am in a similar situation like most of you here. Abusive husband, Will quarrel loudly even in public, insist that I apologize even when I'm not the one at fault..

We have a 2 yr old son.. I asked myself many times whether I should stay or divorce. I finally decided to divorce him as I felt that he will be a bad influence to my son. Caught him hugging the maid. That was the final straw.I don't want my son to see that such behavior is acceptable. I refuse to be submissive anymore. Stay strong fellow mummies!
 
Really sympathise with you Tricia. I have seen similiar case,like yours. Even after guys like my husband who talked to the husband and try to persuade him from doing further things to hurt his wife, the husband didnt change. I told my husband to give up on the guy and not to waste his time and effort to convert him into gd husband material. Even my husband agrees in the end, imagine even a man also cannot understand why there are such husbands around hurting their own wife and kids. The only conclusion is a fact that some man really should not get married, they do not deserve it and let alone deserve to be a parent. They are hardly repentant and will just destroy a child's life if continue to stay together.
Tricia, only you know your husband best. You should give him an ultimatum, tell him to make a choice to change and treat your family better , or he choose to give you up. You should not resign your life to abuse. A marriage is a long road and really need both handsbto clap. An abusive husband cannot be condoned. Hope the best will happen for you. Be strong!
 
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