A meaningless marriage....

Thanks Dore for your response.

Yes, we see emotions as part of a union, but he does not. When my mother passed away, he was neither supportive nor comforting towards me. He said his mother also has passed away, he was not in need of anyone to comfort him then, why should I need any.

This does not make sense. I met him 5 years after his mother passed away. He was living with his sick mother for quite a long time and he had never been in a long term relationship before he met me.

His eldest brother was also having cancer and died about 8 months later after my mother died. Then his other brother died 1 month later of cancer also.

Come to think of it, maybe he is secretive about his health. He refuses to do medical check up.

When his eldest brother was sick in the hospital, I stopped by one day on my own as I was visiting some one else in the same hospital. His wife, my sister-in-law was unloading on me about her husband's behaviour and she told me that the brothers are all moody and secretive, she has been married the longest into this family. I guess it is a family trait and up bringing.
 


Quote: 'Counsellers and friends tell me money and infidelity are the 'real' problems in marriage'...

Yes, breakdown of communication and emotions will eventually lead to infidelity one day if a nice guy happens to come into your life .. When that happens, then there is ground for marriage breakdown? .. Infidelity won't happen for nothing cos it takes 2 hands to clap .. if that really happens, then it's not your fault, stshaw..
 
Hi PinkTweet

Thanks for responding. The part I can't understand is why he is always sending me mixed signals and he does not want to communicate...

CNY time, he'd bring back my favourite CNY food Yu Sheng, 2 packs at a time and leave them in the fridge but he won't eat with me when I asked him at dinner time. He's not crazy about this so I know it's only for me. He asked me again if I wanted somemore a few days before 15th lunar month, last day for Yu Sheng. I said, OK and he brought them back, I had to ask my friends over to eat with me. The first time, I had to toss out one pack.

I think he should just be a man and tell me he no longer wants to stay in this marriage and set me free. For whatever reason, another women or just find me not interesting anymore, or prefers to live alone...whatever. Such a coward....at this point, I won't even want to reason or persuade him on why we should stay together and work out our marriage.

I've had some good news, thank God business is picking up and I look forward to be financially independent and I can up and leave soon, maybe in a year or so. I've stayed home worked partime all these years because he wasn't happy that I was working and wanted me to travel with him. When we got married, it was all different.

If I had continued working, our marriage would have just broken down in maybe a year?!?!. I would have had my own life and not this one with him. I now see that he just wanted to control me with money.
 
Now I can understand why you are still hanging on. Jia-you in your biz and u can be fled when the time comes or when a right man comes to 'rescue' you :p
 
Hi PinkTweet

Thanks for your encouraging words, I will jia-you and look forward to better things and a great future!

No women wants to get married just to live alone and live separate lives. The whole CNY 2 weeks, asking me about the Yu sheng was the only 2 times he spoke to me and only ate with me 2 times when his relatives were over for dinner and spoke to me, merry making with everyone and me. The moment they left, he put on his sour puss face and wanted to be left alone.
 
Hi Stshaw,
Just to share my own life experiences, communication can actually cause a marriage breakdown. I went thru what you are going thru now 'no good reason' to divorce, so I though having a child will close the gap, can get the child to invite him to join in our activities, naively thinking that I’ll be able to touch his heart thru the child. Sadly, the child will only magnify the problem, then on the verge of divorce; we decided to seek professional help. I start to understand a lot about my HB, a side which nobody was able to tell me (including himself), of course that was the side that I always felt out of reach. I am lucky that I went to a psychologist not counsellor, as before that I actually seek help from family centre counsellor and even church pastor, not that they are no good but I just find that they don’t hold neutral view point thus one party will feel ‘bullied’ in the engagement. Nothing will work out if both party are not comfortable sharing with the facilator.
 
Hi Linda

Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. I would not want to have a child with a reluctant husband.

I've seen a psychologist too. My husband is not interested in speaking to anyone or work on our marriage, simply not interested in in-depth communication.

The simple act of asking questions, to him; is confrontation. I've never been the type to just call and ask where he is or who he's with, not with any previous boyfriend nor him. He just comes and goes as he pleases. He never asks me either, but I always tell him. Half the time, I think he's not listening. But I'm not a spiteful person, I don't belive in tit for tat, disappear or runaway just to teach him a lesson, that would only aggravate matters. I want to talk things over and believe that through communication, empathy and understanding, we can all find some solution or reach some agreement/arrangement in any situation, be it work or personal. My family is very open/broad minded and we talk openly and often and have parties all the time.

All I can say is his upbringing is very different from mine. A wife is to be seen, all dressed up but not heard. Safe topics to discuss at family gatherings (once or twice a year) are the weather, food and travels. Not to talk about ourselves but ok to gossip about neighbours and friends. All his siblings are like that. They had rows in the past and just let things be for years not talking to each other. Only when they were sick and last year of their lives did they get together again.
 
like linda, having a child did magnify the underlying issues i had with my husband. he's too emotionally dependent yet domineering. after i delivered my child, i saw v clearly for the 1st time in a decade tat that was the kind of man i married - depressed, self conscious, momma's boy whose folks did make our issues worse. i'm glad i had my child cos she was the 1 who taught me how i shld be loved and how love could be reciprocated both ways. i'm in the midst of starting a new life with my child now. like what others had shared earlier, it's ur own life and u r in charge of ur own happiness. jia you!!
happy.gif
 
Hi Linda

Can i have the contacts of your psychologist?
I am down with a depression and i need someone to talk to. I guessed i am in a terrible state myself.

Pm me if possible and what are the charges as well.

I hope things will change better for all of you.
Sometimes i wonder why are we woman so unfortunate? why bad things keep happening to us and yet there are some wives that are evil yet they have the husband who treats them like angels?

I feel so miserable and down. I am very devastated.
 
Hi my_lovely_babe
Thanks for your encouragement, jia you to you too!!!

Hi devil_pinky
My husband acts like an angel in public, treats me like a queen in public. In private, he's so moody, rude and indifferent. The moment we are at home with the front door closed, he's a different person. I can't switch on and off into different modes of behaviour like he can and it disturbs me that he can.

What irks me is that if I don't play along in public with him, I appear to be the bad person. When I play along in public and when we get home, I feel so lousy that I had to play along in order not to appear as the bad person.
 
I agree communication is also a cause of marriage breakdown, not necessary need to hv marital affairs or money problems. I am one good example, I don't hv problems of the latter, but I don't hv communication and my emotional needs are not met. I feel my marriage is an empty vessel, and I am stress almost everyday. I can't leave the marriage, as I am looking after the 2 kids myself. I am feeling so sad now, and I hv broke down many times before, cut myself and hurting myself. Now I stopped doing that, not worth it for such a man.

I feel better off without a husband who does not bother abt my emotional needs. I hv spoke to him hundreds of times, but what's the use? He just feel that buying food for me is showing concern for me, but I don't feel it. There was communication during courtship, but none in marriage. He only treat me well, when it comes to sex. That's why I was under tremendous stress when I was pregnant, and after delivery. There was no concern or communication, esp when there's no sex which makes it worse, as there was no intimacy. What's worse he slept late every night surfing the net( he would rather be with the PC than with me, as I can't offer him sex), while I went to bed earlier than him and hoping we could talk. Though he has help out in housework, only when told to, I still don't feel anything.

Till now, I feel my heart is half dead. I am staying on, as the kids are young. When they are older, I might settle divorce if things don't improve by then. Right now, my kids are my motivation in life. They are the greatest gifts from heaven ( though they can make me crazy sometimes), my gal can be such a dear. Now I do the same as him, surfing in the forum and don't ask for communication so frequently. I know it's not healthy, since I can't get him to communicate, so might as well surf the net like him. There are so many times I feel like dying but not anymore, my kids need me and I hv to be strong for them. After writing this and crying out at the same time, I feel so much better now.

To all the mummies, jia you. We will all get to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Believe in god(in all religions) and yrself too, and hv faith in him. After all the emotional hurt I went through, I feel I hv become a stronger person. I believe everyone who has gone through unhappy events, and able to come out of it, will become a stronger person.
 
I am sorry to hear what you have gone through

But from the way you described your husband, do you think it is a good idea for adoption?

Every child deserve to have a happy family.
Why adopt the child if you know your husband does not want the child, and your ILs cannot accept the child?

Is it fair?

If you are really unhappy with the marriage, why stick to it?

I know I sound really harsh here, but I think you need to decide what you want and take action.

It is easy for us here to say and yak away.
But end of the day, you are the decision maker, and if you listen and listen and dont take any action, life will still be the same for you.

You will only get older, and never younger, so you have to decide if you want to grow old with this man, who cannot give you happiness, or you wish to give yourself another chance at happiness?
 
stshaw: i guessed that is life. he wants you to play with him. i guessed mine doesn't like me to play with him in the public, Cannot show affection. This cannot that cannot. It's driving me crazy.
I am down with depression but i wonder if he ever bothers to care about my condition. I feel so miserable. I have to force myself everyday to be happy be ok in front of him. If not i will end up arguing with him, i am wondering everyday what is the meaning of life. I hurt my finger because i hit the wall. i get bruises on my hands and arm because i start to hit things.

Like alot of ppl will say why stick to the marriage when i am so unhappy. I am happy to have my husband, i am dumb call me stupid but i love him very much, he is my everything.

My depression is caused by some issues which will HAUNT me for life. and i have NO CHOICE but to accept. Every weekend is like a torture to me. I hate it to the core but i have to face it. I am down with depression yet i dun get the DESERVED CARE. i always wonder why did i marry him when there are so many problems and when i cannot accept certain things.

I thought i am his wife he will love me treat me like angel but i am WRONG. He bombard me "so what if you are my wife" this is the most hurting words i ever heard in my life. Noone ever said this to me. not even when i am their gf. I feel so worthless.

I feel like dying but i cannot because my daughter will be all alone. My parents are old. She does not have a dad...rather she have but he doesn't bother to pay maintenance nor visit her nor do i want him to come.

I don't know why my life is so screwed up! The man who loves me willing to Die for me i don't choose yet i choose a man who don't bother, will not give up anything, anybody for me. I am so DUMB!

I am controlling myself everyday i feel so upset. I want a baby. guessed what? i was being questioned " why do you want a baby so badly?" or " why do you want a baby?"

Do you think i recover from my depression? I find it so difficult...

When can i have my happiness? why i have a screwed up marriage for 6 years and then another miserable life now.. why i did not use my brain???
 
Hi devil_pinky,

I understand what you are going through, I have been there too. I have banged my head against the wall, cut my wrist with scissors twice. That was when I am depressed, after I have cried it out and I start to feel better, I start to feel the pain of the wounds I inflict on myself. We are unhappy cos we hv relied on our husbands entirely and expect them to know how we feel. Our happiness falls in their hands, and we feel unhappy when they don't give us emotional support. It took me very long to realise this, and I stopped hurting myself. It didn't matter to him whether I am hurt, cos he didn't improve at all ( in the emotional aspect). We hurt ourselves, hoping that our husbands will give attention to us, but it makes us look weak instead.

Stop feeling unhappy and thinking that he make me unhappy (it's not easy but it takes time). Get out of the house on weekends, and meet friends or bring yr daughter out. Be independent, and do the things that you hv always wanted to do but didn't hv the chance to do it due to marriage or pregnancy, or whatever the reason is. We have a choice to be happy and unhappy, I'll choose to be happy. During the times when I was unhappy, my emotions has affected my children as kids can sense it. My daughter was closer to her dad, now she is close to me too. It would be better for you to be happy for the sake of yr daughter. Like you, I feel like dying so many times but when I think about there are pple in other parts of the world who are worse off than me, and still able to survive, why can't I?

If you hv a religion, stick to it and be religious. You will find strength and able to overcome any obstacles that come in yr way. I was at my worst, but I managed to come out of the circle and be happy (though I still hv my mood swings sometimes). Remember you hv a CHOICE and it's yours. Once you made the Choice, you will hv to accept and not regret it. I believe you can come out of yr depression if you try. Jia you!
 
Hi Pingping,

Thanks. I see yourself as myself in the past in my first marriage. but i did not do anything to hurt myself,instead i devoted my time and energy to my girl. She was my everything. Then i surf net,chat and once awhile i go out with my friends. Like half a year once. Then i was busy studying my Degree so i am very occupied. There were suitors even i was married but i was not shaken.

But this time i married to a man i really love. I know he loves me but due to 1 issue we started arguing. I feel so worthless. I hate ppl who lied to me. And he lied. He promised certain things but he did not honor his words. i am hurt very hurt by my husband. Then like you say we hurt ourselves hoping to get some attention but WE WILL NOT!!! They NEVER pay attention to us.

My boss will ask if i am feeling better but never did he. I am very clumsy so i always injured myself, here bruise there bruise and his way of comforting me the wife is - you are always like that. He finds it funny, he will say i joke with you - don't you know that. But yet after that he will not ask if i am ok or say something nice to comfort me.

I am down with depression and i really feel very upset and down. Today was a very bad day i don't know why. my left eye kept twitching and i fell down at the escalator cuz i walked in the wrong direction. I count myself lucky i did not fell down and get hospitalised. I feel very dejected.

I am not choosing death not because i am scared,. but i know if i am gone, my girl will be an orphan. My current husband will not take care of her at all. I know he is very spiteful so he will not do that for me. Therefore i have to live and work hard so that if i am gone, She will have some cash and can survive. Cuz her biological dad doesn't cares for her since day 1 till now. So it's meaningless.

I have a religion but i met my husband i am not longer active. My husband is my everything. I know i have a choice. I am just holding back everyday. I hope i can walked out of my depression.

In fact i don't think my husband even notice it. I used to call him every 2 hours or so when we are working. I am very sticky perhaps i am very insecure. He is very faithful. but i have bad experiences so i am scared. But now i hardly calls him unless he din call me for a long time. just want to see if he is ok. But i cut down on the calls. not that my love for him is dying off. But just that i am just controlling myself. or forcing myself.

But my husband don't know something. I am a person if i force myself or control i will burst some day and i don't wish that day will come cuz that is what happened for the previous marriage. Once i made up my mind i will not change. I juz hope we are not drifting apart. I feel so heart ache. Why do i have to resort to chatting in the forum with ppl and yet i cannot communicate with my husband. Why when we are dating we have so much to talk and now nothing?

He surf net or watch tv, what am i to him? I got so depressed that i did not pay much attention to my girl i vent my anger on her. I cry and hug her. I feel so upset. I am struggling i seem to be in this battle myself, trying to stand up, overcome my depression. Each day i see and think about all these i get even worst.

My colleagues will ask about me, my buddy will call me and wants to meet me. Yet my husband doesn't express anything. I never regret marrying him but i wonder why i had so much courage to marry a man when there is a problem. I really love my husband and i know he loves me but yet why again and again that issue cannot be solved. Why he will say such hurtful words to me?
I feel so devastated..

My apologies i sound so long winded. This is a place i can released. I really feel like running away.. i wonder why ppl tend not to choose man who loves them and treats them like angel and yet choose those who will hurt them and yet we or i love him so badly.

I cannot find myself. I used to be very bubbly, Imagine one of my buddy commented on my wedding day - wow your husband so lucky because the wife (me) so pretty. I have plenty of suitors, rich, poor name it and i will have but yet i choose to be a man i loved. i go with my heart i don't go for $$$. i choose to give up a pilot and choose my husband why? i love him i really do. though i have to go through hardship with my husband. Though he is not rich so what. We can work our way through. He is not very charming but i don't mind. I chose him instead of my ex bf who cannot forget me after 7-8 years?

can you see how much my husband meant to me? he don't understand. In his heart he thinks i am comparing i am not. I am just trying to say " hey you have nothing but i love you!!!!" i don't mind working hard together. But does he get that picture? No he will say go and find them lor. den why you choose me why you marry me?

I feel so miserable and devastated. I am very very down..i wish to stand strong i wish he will realised how much hardship i have gone through with him. How much i have gave up and gave in to him. i wish he will understand me and know that issue is the biggest problem and if it's not solved he will lose his wife. cuz i am bursting.
i don't want to leave the world so soon. Why i have to go through so much!! I want to have baby with him but yet he hurt me with words, lie to me.

If i were to kill myself i will make sure i kill that person who brought me misery and i will hate her for the rest of my life. I tried to be forgiving but my husband lied too much that i cannot forget all the hurts he have done to me..
sorry abit confusing but that person is not a mistress.

Anyway i am just dumb!!!
 
I feel you hv a lot emotional wounds in you and is increasing. I may not be in the position to advise, but you need to let go. You were unhappy in the first marriage, that's already a lot of emotional wounds already. Did you nurse yr wounds before you get into the 2nd marriage? Cos if you didn't, it will keep increasing if yr current husband let you down, which he did.

You didn't state clearly what's the problem, so I can't help you. I feel you need to go back to yr religion, and find yrself again. If not, you might lose yr sanity and yr daughter will suffer. Remember she has no one but you, even if you leave her with a sum of money when you are gone, she will not be happy, I think it's unfair to her. All children need the love and emotional support to be happy, it's not abt just hving money and surviving. Did it ever occur to you that when she grows up and become just like you? As parents, whatever we do affects them and their behaviour.

Men and women express themselves differently, for my husband, when he is angry or want to avoid conflict, he will keep quiet no matter what I say. Maybe yr husband is not happy with you too clingy, he could hv lied cos he was afraid that you will be angry, if he tells the truth. Men don't like women too clingy or possessive, they want their freedom. I feel both of you need counselling, as you hv problems communicating. Is the third party his mother or parents? You love yr husband so much, that you are tying him tightly to you. It could be too much that he's suffocating, and he does not like it. He might vent his anger by saying hurtful words to you, you need to let go and trust him if you want to stay in the marriage. You need to understand when a relationship starts to hv problems, it's not just 1 party involved. Most of the time, it's hard to hv both parties to communicate effectively like my case. I hv the need to communicate but my husband don't see the need, though he has improved slightly over 4 yrs. I learned to stop wanting attention from him cos he just ignores me, so I do the same though I fail sometimes.

I feel yr problem is more than just lack of communication, but lack of trust in yr husband and you cling to him tightly. Sometimes we need to change first before the other party starts to change but it will take a lot of time and patience. I do not know what he had done to make you lose trust in him, but I hope you don't lose yr sanity for the sake of yr daughter cos you are all that she has got( you are her closest kin) in this world.
 
Hi pinky_devil

It's easier for me to talk about my situation now then before say 3 years ago when I was at my lowest patch with my husband. I felt like I was going mad then.

I made my husband my whole world, he let me down. He was not a comfort when my mother died, was upset that I was crying sometimes when we pass by familiar places the few months just after she died. He would scold me for crying.

I kept asking myself why is he like that, why did I do to deserve this, what can I do or do more of so that he will change, what I should not have done????? Just going crazy thinking like that.

I think my hb is just cold and uncaring, but to him, he thinks he provides well and no women problem, he's good hb and I'm not grateful.

I now go to church regularly and I feel much better about myself now knowing that it is not what I have done or not done enough for my husband to love me the way I need to feel loved.

I've learned that Man will let us down. Most of the time, they cannot handle the burden of fulfilling all our needs because they have their own burdens to carry, work stress, peer pressure, selfish needs.

While we are here going crazy why they are so cold, they think we are really crazy for expecting some emotional connection

To him there's no problem, there is no need to talk or plan about the future, he will accuse me of spoiling his mood when I want to talk about the future and having children. In my case, my hb freeze me out, from the shortest period of 2 weeks to 7 months, several times in our marriage. He'll get the maid to prepare birdnest and tonic soup for me when I was sick during the freeze out, but he will not talk to me, never once asked me if I was feeling better. I went to the doctor myself and slept through fever and all by myself.

When I had chicken pox, I drove myself to get the painkiller shots every morning for a week and took care of myself. He only applied calamine lotion 2 times for me on my back. By the 3rd day, I could see he was very moody when I asked him to do it for me, I did it myself. He figured I'm not sick enough to be warded, he should be able to come and go as he pleases. I still have not said anything to him about this till this day.

Once I cut myself accidently, bleeding profusely. My maid was holding me and getting my hands washed. He had to look through the first aid kit for meds to help my bleeding. He was very angry, huffing and puffing that he was bothered to help.

He does nothing for me except write cheques to pay our bills. I configure all the household appliance, internet; organize renovations, purchases, do applications.... everything. I'm not to bother him for anything. He thinks he's a very good hb for letting me decide on everything for the household. To me, I feel that he does not care about anything.

I was in that place before, where I just wanted him to be the one to comfort me when I'm feeling down, no one else is suppose to fill that need because simply he is my hb and I expect that of him. We don't marry to live alone and have separate lives.

I might appear to be very calm writing this now, but I was once in your place before (but not the hurting myself part), all frantic and in disbelief like living in a nightmare. When you hurt yourself like that, you might just confirm his belief of you being crazy and enable him to have that as an excuse in the future.

I know it must be difficult for you now, but when you will in the near future look back at this and it does not hurt that much anymore if you come to terms now with the fact that Man cannot fulfill all our needs. Not that they don't want to, they are not able to.

The next step is to take care of yourself well.

My parents have passed away and we have no children, hb thinks I have no choice but to put up with him. I feel very blessed that God has found me in my darkest hour when I cried out to Him 3 years ago.

I am starting over to build my finances and when the time is right, I might just leave and not look back anymore. I'm stuck here now because I stopped working since I married him and let him control me with money and take for granted my love for him.
 
Dear Women,
I too would like to recommed my psychologist to you all but she has migrated to Australia, I was sort of her last case, she was with NUH. I had also consulted Dr Francis Ngui, Psychiatrist from Adam Hospital. He is also good but as they are private hospital their charges are naturally more expensive than Govt. You might also want to note the difference between psychologist and psychiatrist; one believe in medicine and one believe in therapy.

Hi Pinky Devil
Mine was a very complex case, I was actually admitted to Adam Hospital for severe deperssion and Dr Ngui diagnose that actually I had PTSD (Post Tramua stress disorder) all along and the pending divorce trigger the depression. I refuse to take medicine so went to a psychologist to work on my PTSD then my marriage. I was also admitted to other hospital but no psychiatrist was able to get to the root. FYI a few psychiatrist and counsellor actually scolded me for 'crying over a man'. Can you imagine when you are depress they make you feel worse...

Hi stshaw,
When I started with the psychologist, my HB dosen't join me, after few months he'll join me but no contribution and sometimes when the psychologist ask him questions he'll have no answer. eg-
PY: How do you feel when you see your wife crying?
HB: slient.
PY: Okay, What comes to your mind?
HB: Nothing.
PY: Is it becos you haven thought about it?
HB: Yes.
PY: Can you think about and tell me the next time?
HB: OK
The psychologist don't press him for an answer so he doesn't feel threaten and after few months, he trust her enough to share. You must also be patient coz even when my HB say OK, but he has no answer on the next visit, answers something may come few months later.
Hope all these info is helpfully to u.
 
Hi all,

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I think I have learnt a lot from just reading about your experiences. I too have problems with my relationship just like any other couple really. I feel problems, frustrations and sadness like most other things can be found all around you if you keep looking for it.

The key is how you deal with it. There are way too many questions with no real answers. The more we try to think of it the more confused we get.

Rather than always playing things in your heads, doing something, taking action is the only way to move forward, regardless of whether it is to move on and in life or to work things out.

I came across this article (http://sg.******************/articles/relationship_rescue) a few days back and it kind of changed my perspective a little. I hope you all can give it a read and please tell me what you think.

The power is always within us.
 
To all ladies,

We are actually very simple. We sometimes just need the truth but man always prefer to stay slient. Communication is the main issue.

My mum marriage is the worst and she endure it, not yet let go.

Sometime she mention to me, she just need the truth to get over the relationship, thought of getting Private Investigation on my dad. but she didn't. I think she is afraid of the truth.
 
A very important about money issue to all ladies,

No matter what, have your own savings for retirement, don't expect man or child to take care of you.

Thats what my mum told me, she is 50 this year but have no savings at all and my dad is betraying her. He also say that when his insurance saving matures he need the money for himself, didn't even plan for my mum retirements.
 
I found some comfort here.

I am not gloating over your stories but i have suffered badly and found that at least i am not alone.

Bemybaby & stshaw:
- be glad you don't have a baby yet;
- yours is already a very unhappy marriage, it is much easier to walk away without a baby. Be strong.

devil_pinky:
- you sounded so sad in your current marriage, would you ever consider walking out of it?

I met my hubby 3 years ago; i had broke up with my ex-boyfriend (Mr V) for few months then. Hubby is most gentle and sweet towards me during courtship...

I did not want to start a relationship with hub initially as he is younger than me. But hubby was very persistent and i was touched and we got together.

But Mr V (my ex-boyfriend) was very emotional, clingy and tried to make me feel guilty as the girlfriend that left him when he needed me most, etc(he has a bad temper and got into serious argument with customer so his company was going to sack him... and he said my leaving him got him into depression that he had to seek medical help, etc.. calling me everyday to haunt me..) Peer pressure with our common friends chiding me for giving up coz we had been together for 6 years & such a waste to give up, etc... I got soft-hearted and decided to give Mr V another chance.

I enjoyed being with my husband better but he is so much younger than me that i felt insecure. Plus, we just started out, i do not know if he is serious about me. So i tried to break up with hub to be with Mr V again.

It got my hubby into a suicide move and an ugly confrontation for 3 of us... yes, very traumatic experience for me as i almost fell off from the 12th floor trying to save my hubby...

I finally broke up with Mr V and got with my hubby. I got pregnant before we can save up for marriage so we just had a simple ROM.

Since we got married, we moved to stay with hubby's parents. His mum was a MIL from hell.
My hubby had then just lost his job (just before our ROM) and i was going to deliver in few months.

She insisted that i handwash my clothes and don't mix it with my hubby's clothes in washing machine.
I was about 6 months pregnant and i had to squat in the toilet to handwash my clothes every night after work...

Just 2 weeks before i am to deliver, MIL asked me who is going to help take care of my baby and my 'dirty' confinement clothes? My hub thought she would help, thats why we opt to stay with her.

I was mad; MIL don't allow me to employ a confinement lady as she don't like strangers staying in her house and yet she don't want to help. Then what you want me to do?! Finally, i realised it is all $$$ - hub offered to give her a good sum of $ to help with my confinement cooking and washing of baby's and my clothes (washing machine of course). I use disposable panties anyway - why did she have to keep emphasising my 'dirty' clothes?!

We had lots of quarrel with MIL and FIL as they kept asking for money from my hubby and i. But look, my hubby was out of job for 3 months after we ROM and moved in with them. I was the sole bread-winner, very pregnant and had to save for my hospital bill (in case medisave not enough) and still try to contribute to my hubby's family. I had to even allow my hubby to sell away the jewellery my mum left me before she passed away...

Fast-forward. Major quarrels with MIL so we moved out and stayed at my sister's place. I was very happy and thought we would have good days ahead.

Alas, the happiness was short-lived. My hubby had a good job but he was greedy - he wanted shortcut to big money. He gambled - serious soccer betting. He lost around $8K in 2wks and forced me to go to GE money for loan to help him pay off... (Hubby is on commission so he could not loan from GE). I loaned from GE & gave him the money, he paid off the debt.

He lay low for few months and then started soccer betting again - this time, he lost around $7-8K again. He went to GE money for a loan this time (he had worked at his company long enough with proof to show GE money his earnings now).

Two months later nearing Xmas, he got into another debt; i had to use partial of my bonus to help him and the rest i used up for CNY preparation. Every month, i lead the life of a mice - poor.

I bear the babysitter's fee, i bear the household expenses, i bear our utility bills, phone bills, baby's expenses, my GE money repayment, my expenses. I have zero with every month, having to draft from my credit line to the maximum limit to get by...

At home, hubby became a different man. He was hostile, full of vulgarity at me and never ever helped with even washing a cup or taking care of baby.. He blamed me for all this saying i brought bad luck to him!

I cried, i begged him to give up soccer betting and give in to him all the time. But he would just call me a slut, and insulted i should suffer all these for trying to walk out on him in the early days of our courtship...

I asked him did he then marry me only to take revenge? He said he had this in mind and even doubted the baby is his! I was very very hurt...
and cried through many many nights.

Last night was what prompted me to write here.
He hit me.

My baby was crying and i asked him to come into the room to help me pacify him awhile as i want to get out to wash my baby's pacifier. He shouted at me and started pushing me and tried to strangle me... By then, my baby was in a shock and stopped crying, looking at us all this while..

Now, can you imagine how i feel? At that point, i don't care about my death, i just wanted to protect my baby (2-year old so he is sort of aware) and not let him witness all these bad images... I want to believe my husband was trying to give me and baby a better life all these while but look at this mess...

My heart is broken till i can hardly feel any more... I weep with tears rolling down without a sound.

And i had to bring my baby to my babysitter this morning and bring on a smile to go to work. Yes, i still have to work after enduring all these sufferings last night...

I have so much to hide and suppress... I just had to write these here to let off steam.

I am not letting my family know because i do not want them to worry; i can't let my colleagues know (-its a snobbish environment i work in, everyone here seems to come from some rich family and would not ever sympathise or hang out with you if your house is not in district 9 or 10)...

The only reason i am hanging on is because of my baby.

So for those that wanted a baby despite your hubby not wanting it, please consider again. Would you want to bring an innocent life to let him or her suffer?

Like devil_pinky, i still love my husband but all these... i really don't know what to do next.
 
Why will you still love him when he gamble away your money? He was/is not grateful of what you have done for him(the loan). Please do not think that he gamble because of the family. Gamblers do it out of their pleasure. If they really think of their family, they will really work hard and provide for the family.

I know because i have been thru. I was with Ex-hub for 13 years, thru out he will claim that he like to have more money for our future so he had to gamble. I have to repay his debt using all my saving and when my saving got all drawn out, he cash advance from my credit card to the max ( he had my sub card). In the end i have no saving, a lot of debt which i am still clearing. I was lucky i do not have any children with him. It was a very difficult and trying moment for me. I decided to leave him. At that moment, my family members do not know about what is going on and i have no body to confide to. I was a very proud person, it will be very shameful if anyone know my plight. I fell into depression which i do not realised. Thinking of suicide and all sorts of negative things.

Finally, a point break, i decided to confide to my Sis-in-law. She is very understanding and she help me break the news to my family. Instead of letting them worried, they actually are very understanding and give me all the support i need. Definitely, they will blame you a little bit but ultimately they are still very supportive.

Belinda, I can totally understand your fear of letting your family down but if your Sister actually let you stay with her, i do not see why she cannot be supportive to you. You need and must leave him. A gambler is hopeless, let alone a violent one. Be extemely strong for your son, a happy family with daddy and mummy is definitely the best environment for a kid, do you think your hubby can provide that. Will your hubby asume his responsibilties as a reasonable husband or dad?

Talk to a family member, they love you unconditionally. You must add fast, this time round strangle and was witness by your son, what next?

I fought with the shameful feeling and disappointment for 2 years. I am more confident , much more happier with no fear that my money was being spent away because of someone loan.
 
Hi Belinda,

I agree with shantan. You need to leave yr husband, he don't deserve you. He's getting violent and you won't know what he will do next. Also he's a very emotional guy and cannot control his emotions. He is not grateful to you at all, after what you hv done for him. A gambler will not change his ways, and for yr hubby, he has really sink deep into it.

My hubby was also on soccer betting, if I had not check his bank book, I would not know that he lost a lot of money every month. I confronted him, and got his sister to talk sense into him. He did stop for a while, but still gamble sometimes. He has this weird thinking that he can find a way to win his money back, and I told him that he is deluding himself. Now he is better, I still check on him. It's important that you talk to a family member, they will help you. It's better than bottling it up yrself, and you will be very stressed. Talk to yr sister, it's better to let yr family and his family know, otherwise if anything happens, pple will think it's yr fault. For yourself and son's sake, get yr family to help if you still want to keep the marriage, if possible, let his family help too.

Don't handle it alone, seek help before it's too late.
 
Hi Linda

I'm so glad that your hb is wiiling to work things out with your marriage with professional help. Thanks for sharing.

I'm afraid my hb does not even acknowledge there is anything to work on in making our marriage better. My hb just thinks that I should not expect more then his provision. As far as he is concerned, there is no problem in our marriage.
 
belinda,
i will leave my husband for the sake of bb but not stay on the marriage. i understand sometimes easier said than done. hope u r feeling better now n know what is best for you n bb.
 
Hello Everyone esp Belinda,

I'm very disturbed after reading your story. I always feel strongly that no matter how a woman react, a man shld never ever LAY HANDS on their woman. Your hubby has done that, and I am sure that he will do that again and again.

For a start, I know it is not easy to tell you, "hey walk away from the marriage" because we are not you. You have a kid with him, and of course it makes it even harder to make a decision like this. You will always be wondering whatever decision you make, will it be the right choice.

I am currently separated from my hubby. But unlike the stories that I hear from the ladies here, I don't have parents-n-law from hell nor an abusive ex. Mine was simply a case of not being happy...and just like any of you here...when I was with my hubby, I was saddled with debts. At the same time, after two failed miscarriages, I did not feel the love from him and made the decision to walk away.

To Belinda and the ladies here, if you ever find that you are not happy in your marriage, do one day sit down, close your eyes, ask yourself this question," What do you seek in your life?" Is this what you want? We all can make a choice, a decision in our lives because IT IS OUR LIFE that we are living.

As much as it is difficult to make tough decisions, we need to because life is about making decisions, not seeing that whether it is right or wrong. We are not God, no doubt about that but we can make decisions of our own to decide our happiness in life.

I've friends who had walked away from marriages, friends who have kids and walked away from marriages and as much as it was tough, I do know one thing for sure, they are happier. Ladies, you have the power to make the decision to choose your happiness.

No one says that life is smooth sailing, life is beautiful but we can do something about it to improve our lives.

I shan't tell anyone to walk away from the marriage. I am not a counsellor. I am just a regular woman here, trying to seek my own happiness by making my own decision.

Be strong...Belinda, I hope you are feeling much much better. All women deserve to be happy.
 
Hi,
There is never an excuse for violence. Be strong for your child's sake. If your husband is willing to work on your marriage, try counselling. If not, then maybe its time to think about more drastic measures.

There is a family service centre, or something like that, located in AMK that specialises in the area of stopping family violence, you should approach them for help.

PAVE
Address : Blk 211 Ang Mo Kio Ave 3 #01-1446 Singapore 560211
Tel : 6555 0390

How to get there?
Bus Service No: 76, 132, 165, 166, 169, 265, 268, 269
Nearest MRT Station: Ang Mo Kio
 
Dear Belinda Wong,

You should talk to your family member about the problems you faced. They are your fallback should anything happens.

It is very hard to wear a mask like this and still go office the next day, you will burst one day and then who will be taking care of your baby? So, please dun keep all problems with yourself.

Talk to your boss if you need a week off from work. Talk to your hubby that he need to seek help, if not he will be on his own. Talk to your hubby's family about his problem, his mother and father sure will not want their son to go in deep shit, so it might help.

Remember dun keep problems on your own, tell the world about it, and you won't feel so bitter later on. There is no shame to let people know your marriage is not working well, you just need help from others to make it work better.

Remembered, 10/90 principle. You cannot control the 10% of what happened to you, but you can control the other 90% of it by controlling your reaction to what happened to you.

I hope it helps. Take good care!!!
 
Hi Belinda

You have gone through so much! You are such a strong mother!

I am sure you know what you need to do - you just have to do it. For your sake, for your kid's sake.

Pls feel free to PM me should you need any help. My kid is almost 2 years old too.
 
Hi Belinda,

it's indeed not easy and have often come across articles/stories on hubby violence.. but think you should seriously consider approaching family service centres.. before the problem gets bigger. I believe that if it happens once, it will happen again and again and get more serious each time..

i myself have marriage problems too, and at times couldn't find a single soul to share with.. its tough not to be able to talk it out.

pls pm me should you need someone to talk to or accompany you to the family sve centre.. same as justinmommy, my gal is 19mths plus.. perhaps we will be able to support each other in one way or another..

take good care..
 
hi Belinda,

My heart goes out to you. Your bastard husband does not deserve you.

Please always remember this: any man who asks money from his wife is a total bastard. If he's really a man with a sense of responsibility, he wouldn't ask his wife for money, and make his wife sell or pawn the jewelry her mother left her.

I've gone through the stage where my husband asked me for money. I gave him every cent I had that I had saved up for my child and my expenses when I went for further studies for two years. He kept promising to pay me back the next week, next month, next year ... which of course he never did.

When I was infected with yeast, it was my sister who paid for my medical bills bcos he had spent all my money and couldn't afford my visits to the docs.

Then my friends told me never to give him money again. They told me to tell him I don't have money, like what he always tells me despite having a take-home pay of at least $3k.

I married him becos he promised to take care of my kid and me. Like your bastard husband, mine was sweet, caring, considerate and sensitive to my needs before marriage. It all changed after he married me.

After 3.5yrs and one baby with him, I decided that my heart is dead and went to the lawyer. I moved out of the house, but he thought I didn't mean it as he always threatens me with divorce without taking any action. He realised I was serious when I told him I have found a lawyer and will inform him of the details.

Now, he's asking me to go back to him, saying that he has really (yet again) quit betting on soccer. He can place $1900 on 3 soccer matches at one go without batting his eyelid. After that, he comes home and tell me he got no money.

After I went home to find that the electricity is cut off (yet again), and receive a court summons for a town council fee that was defaulted at $1119.50, I decided to call it a day.

He used to say that his (stupid) male pride did not allow him to give me his salary so that I could apportion it for him to repay his credit card debts which, year after year, stands at $30k (how true it is, I never know).

Now, he says,"I will give you all my salary as long as you come back."

I told him I'm dead towards him, bcos I can no longer trust what he says. Although for the sake of the baby, I'm still thinking if I should reconcile with him, but when I search within myself, I find that he has killed every bit of my feelings towards him over the past 3.5 yrs.

Oh yes, Belinda,

Go to the police if he attempts violence on you again. They can give you the personal protection order (PPO). You need not have any injury on your body. It can even be verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse. Just go.

My husband almost hurt me during one of our many quarrels just 2 years into our marriage. I went to the police station to report the loss of my IC, but he saw me walking into the police station and thinking that I was reporting on him, he quickly followed me in. I enquired about the PPO in his presence and the police explained it to me. From then on, he never laid a finger on me.

Belinda,
We must love ourselves so that these bastards cannot bully us. Do you understand? The more forebearing you are towards him, the more he despises you and treats you like an idiot. Men will not appreciate our kindness. They see our kindness as a terrible weakness and take advantage of our meekness.

Do stand up for yourself. Do what your head tells you. Don't listen to your heart. Our heart can be deceiving and they are not right most of the time.
 
its very sad to read about ur experiences here..

ladies, to those without kids, pls stand up and live ur life.. ur parents did not have you grown up to be abuse verbally or/and physically by anyone.. be it a pre-loved or a loved ones.. leave ur man and make ur parents happy... damn the man who hit the wives, who verbally abuse the wives... damn them! PLEASE BE STRONG N LEAVE THEM... tell us - what do you need to be strong to leave these abusing man.. we can all help.

for women who have kid(s).. pls think rationally.. give ur child the best he/she should get.. not a family with violence, abuse.. what do you think ur child will grow to be? if ur man have abused his chances that u hv given to him, please leave him. there are many ways to get help. all children should be given a safe environment to leave in.. not with a gambler nor an abuser...

sigh.. i can say this cos i am not in ur position but i hope all women can think rationally.. love cannot permit abuse or violence..

PLEASE STAND UP and BE STRONG.

my heart goes to all of you who have suffered..
 
Belinda,

pls leave that bastard. he will harm u and ur child more. *hugz* Approach legal aid and produce evidence of ur hb's violent acts to u and ur child. can ask for immediate d.

personally, i'm still in the midst of proceedings. started in jan but it's an awfully long process coupled with a self-denial husband. sigh. but i'm glad my child & i r free and no longer have to suffer his erratic moods and moodswings anymore. being a single mum is not easy but we have a choice to be happy.

jia you Belinda!!
 
personally I will not encourage divorce except for 2 reasons

1) Adultery
2) Physical Abuse

It takes a lot of effort to maintain a marriage, outsiders should not add discouragement unless absolutely necessary
 
Neglect, mental and emotional abuse are also very detrimental to one's health. In fact it's worse than physical abuse, it stays with you and it's not easy to heal.
 
Dear all,
I don't feel good after reading the stories. I believe humans are all empowered to fend for themselves. Esp if there are little ones involved. If any form of abuse are not cured, what type of environment are the little ones in?

If there's a mad dog barking at you, just back off. Get IL over, pack your bags and go back to mum's house. If the "dog" can't be teached, I think no amount of saving will help.

Think long and hard. Its your life.
 
back to bernybaby's first question - Can I ask everyone here, why do you want to marry your the other half?

I want to marry my hubby because
- I think he's the best catch I can ever find
- we share many similar beliefs and opinions on life
- we both know we want to be married (some pple hates the idea of being married, you know) and kids will complete our lives
- we complement each other: he's poor with details but good at big picture. I am totally opposite so we cover what the other party is no good at. I am good with people and talking, so he takes the back seat when I PR the relatives and friends. He lays the strategies and I carry out the plans.

Marriage is a union of two people and I believe this union is only worth the while if it is 1 + 1 = more than 2 (ok, at least = 2). If 1 + 1 is less than 1, then you may as well not marry?

It is also a union that takes lots of effort from both sides. like a clap, need 2 hands la.
 
Hi Samantha,

I think in a marriage 1+1 should be = 1. This is then called union. But, in real life, it is not easy to maintain a union relationship, especially after you have kid. I agree kids will help to complete the family, but it take lots more of doing it then just saying it! After having a kids, you life of focus is changed. And especially if your the other half of the union is insensitivty, and not helpful in child caring. Having a kids will bring more damage into a union. And there are tons of problems that you can ever imagine bringing up a child, and you have to do it day and night despite you have to commit for a full time work the next day. The stress and energy required will very fast burn you out.....But of course, one small smile on your child helps to erase some of the stress that we have.....

And for everything, it will take two hands to clap. And only then the clap can be heard. One person can't do that.....So, in a seperation of a unionship, it take two to clap as well.

Sign......I'm a little moddy. Sorrie for my negative comments here. But it is the truth I'm facing now.

Well, on the brighter sight, we do see some forumer after going thr a damage unionship, manage to patch back thier life together. And of course, this will take two sincere hand who is willing to clap again to make it works.
 
Hi Merz,

Yup, glad you admitted you were moody. I was half thinking: hello? I have a hubby, a marriage, a child and a demanding job leh? You think I mickey mouse ar?!

To some a marriage should/can be 1 + 1 = 2. I am more greedy. I see marriage as a life long partnership where 2 persons come together and be able to bring the best out of each other and complements the imperfections. Each by his/her own, can accomplish this much. Together they should be able to do more (hence the 1 + 1 equal more than 2).

I am truly lucky. I have ideas about how I want my hubby and marriage should be and thankfully, both turn out the way I hope they should be!

It's easy to point and blame. But I try to take a look at my hand when I point and remind myself that for every finger I am pointing, another 3 is pointing back at myself.
 


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