A Lonely SAF wife. Husband deployed. SOS.

M

mtyh

Member
Hi,

Try the following:

1. Spend time with your parents

2. Spend time with your friends

3. Take up a hobby / sign up for a class - aerobics, pottery, salsa, whatever

4. Sign up for a part-time diploma, degree, masters course

5. Read - Singaporeans often don't read enough, many books contain wisdom and experience of others, find a good book with the topic of your interest

6. Shop - GSS is here. Don't waste unnecessary money though.

Take public transport. Drive the car around the carpark only for practice and warming up the car.
 


fackfaith (fake faith?)

AT the end of the 6 months, ur hb will come back and find u MUCH STRONGER... u still can dey to him though :p

The thing abt women is that they try too much. Some things can be simplified, outsourced.

BTW, r u a SAHM/FTWM/PTWM?

Here are some examples to what you have stated.

--> ask for help! Siblings, healhty parents, PT maids, neighbours!

- lugging heavy carpets
--> what r u doing with heavy carpets? Is ur whole house carpetted? If possible change to lightweight ones. Store ur heavy carpet in the storeroom or a box until he is back.

- nailing paintings to the wall
--> if u r not confident, don't do it until he is back. Use 3M/NTUC heavy duty hangers to hang instead. And they won't leave a mark on the wall
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- carrying heavy loads from the supermarket to the car and from the car up to our place
--> online supermarket with free delivery, or do ur supermarket shopping in batches. Or get a trolley and dump the plastic bags inside so that u dont have to carry so many plastic bags.

- and doing simple things like printing out our photos for the frames.
--> dont do it for 6 months, or just waste a few pieces for trial and error! if u still want, just use those machines at printing shops to print and then just collect the next day. Simple! But do remember to start up ur home printer once every fortnight/month to prevent the cartridge from drying up.

-- Driving is scary as I am inexperienced.
--> learn driving again with a refresher course/on ur own. Choose roads with no/light traffic. Get a gf to give u support if u r scared. Carparks are not encouraged cos they tend to be narrow unless u r talking about the more empty upper decks. Like what michael say, take public transport (including cab!)

Take this time to catch up with parents and friends. And remember don't forget them when ur hb is back.

You can talk to friends/colleagues who are more independent and get suggestions from them on how to handle daily difficulties.

p/s I do not have a hb that is overseas for 6 months. He is at home but hardly free/help, so I do most things on my own.
 
hi fackfaith,
i understand how you feel as my hb also saf, posted overseas to US for 4mths. This was when baby only 12mths old and i struggled the daily routine. I was sahm then and got to handle a baby who cannot even walk.

Actually the daily chores can still struggle to get by but the loneliness is terrible. So i kept in touch with hubby via webcam and he talked to baby regularly so that baby will still recognize him. Due to the time difference, when he's awake, we would be sleeping. So sometimes we send pre-recorded video. At the end of the 4th month, i brought baby to meet him and we had a holiday there.

You need to stay strong and hang on. Do keep in touch with your hubby and keep him updated of the happenings. Hope this helps.
 
Bouncy: Yesss the loneliness sucks. For me, the chores are troublesome, upsetting because I'm not familiar with doing these things at all.

It makes the loneliness feel worse, but the loneliness is really the main problem. Even spending time with my friends after work and on weekends, and occupying my thoughts with work does not solve it. It's him I miss.

Being apart from him so much now really makes me realise how much I love him. Until the deployment happened, we haven't been apart for more than 5 weeks in a row since we met. (those 5 weeks were also due to his work when he was overseas)

Why didn't you take baby along and go with him? If I were you, i most certainly would since US is a safe and free place. In my case, hubby's deployment is an unsafe place, no family or spouse allowed.

We have skyped once so far. Its the best we can do now but we missed a skype session yesterday cos when he texted me I was asleep.

He's not easy to reach, I cannot just call him on his mobile like when he was in Singapore. many times i feel like it's one-way, he can reach me easily, but I can't reach him. We do email, and SMS. But often, he's not prompt in replying to SMS and calls due to the demands of his work.

He's being worked so hard there, I worry for him. And he has only 1/2 day of rest every week.
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iLikePink, Thanks for the tips. I've emailed him a list of questions regarding how to do some of the chores. We've been using 3M tapes to hang things to the wall. Only plasma tv we drilled a hole into the wall. Just that i don't know how to do it.

Nope its not that my whole house is carpeted. I went to Ikea last Sat to buy rugs for the house and other household items. One of the rugs i bought was quite big and heavy, meant for the living room. I had a tough time carrying it up myself from the trunk to my place and a hard time rolling it out and positioning it under the coffeetable which is heavy. But I did it.

I am neither SAHM/FTWM/PTWM. Not a mom yet. Will be trying next year Jan, so I joined this forum.
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Is there a minimum amount to be spent for online grocery shopping?

Thanks for the tips. The loneliness really sucks.

I'll try to occupy my weekends with friends, activities and housework.
 
hi fackfaith,
oh dear, he worked so hard. Hope they will allow him to rest longer. The feeling of separation is tough to handle, do try to bear with it. Yes, do spend more time with friends and family. As long as there is no danger involve in his work, should be alright.

i could not bring baby along then as he stayed inside army camp and if we stayed outside the camp, will be quite a distance away. Other family members are worried for young baby to travel and need to get used to the environment, weather, etc. Therefore not possible for me to go over. If i was without a baby, then much easier to follow.
 
Hi Bouncy, quite surprised to hear that.

I heard of many instances where army, navy and air force personnel brought their family over to where they are posted. They have even given birth there and raised babies in the residences of the personnel, which are located at the bases in US, UK, Australia and France, but US is the most common.

Did they tell you that you and your baby are not allowed to stay with him at the base?
 
hi fackfaith,
i think that could be due to long term work purpose that they are allowed to bring family and fully paid. Also depending on the ranking. As my hubby was posted there for a short duration study course. SAF do allow us to follow and even enter the camp but need to look for our own accomodation and have to pay our own airfare. And baby will need to pass through x-ray health check at s'pore side. So at that point of time, i thought was quite risky to put baby's health for such health checks.
 
hi fackfaith,

i was given the option to stay outside camp but can gain access to visit him inside camp. Due to his position is not very high, so could not get a larger family room inside camp. He was only given a room but need to go outside to use the bathroom. He's not officer, so i am not in the OWC. Are you a member?

for the 2011 course, you must follow. But will this affect your job? Might be good that you can also conceive around this timing then can deliver there. All the best to your baby making process.
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hi fackfaith,
that's a good idea to take no pay leave. Even if it should cost your job, nevermind just follow. Understand from my friends, for US camps very well equipped for family and they have close committe for spouse so you could join their activities while hubby work.

oh, maybe you can join the OWC, just see if there might be other wives that might be going there at the same time. It is always good to know someone else from home.

Don't think is the armed forces that affect as think if married to a busy person in other career should be the same. There are also hubby who are working overseas most of the time. For work commitment, guess is very hard to reject if company should decide to send you away on long trips or work overtime.
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But maybe we can console ourselves that at least armed forces "foreign attractions" (pretty ladies not that many), so chances of straying is not that high.
 
Yup, the US bases and schools are the most excellent from what I know. Not only are the houses beautiful (and big), the community is self sufficient and there is excellent spousal support network.

Quite excited.
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I think I will naturally make friends with the other wives when I reach there. I'm not limiting myself to SAF wives in the base. I enjoy making friends with people of all cultures and would like to use that time to befriend the spouses and family of the Americans too.
 
hi fackfaith,
oh that's good, then you have no worries about the social network. But don't think you are allowed to work when you get there right?
 
Yeah, my hubby also has to make frequent work trips overseas, when he's not on long deployments like this. The loneliness does suck. I think it's probably worse for the SAHMs.

But I think the reprieve to the sanity is worth it. I feel shitty and lousy due to work rather often.
 
<font color="ff0000">Hi Fack,

dun feel lonely !! here got lots of helpful mummy.. maybe u can meet up !!! if u bored can pm me n we can exchange msn ?? cheers up
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</font>
 
Thank you so much, Beautiful princess.

I'll be trying my best to stay positive. As for the chores, i will enlist the help of guy friends and my hubby's friends for those I cannot do on my own.
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lets hope I survive the next six months.
 
Hello,

I just married to a SAF, a SGT, so can't join the OWC.

Was wondering if there is any SWC in here. hehe.

My Husband is not oversea but involved in NDP, Weekday burn weekend burn, even when he is back, he is like a dead fish.

Anyway what is SAHM or a FTWM?
 
hi betty,
understand how you feel, weekend burn too. sigh...got to learn to accept. some more got to standby 24hrs, in case got emergency phonecall.
sad.gif
 
These are the sacrifices if you marry a regular.

Overseas deployments are really quite tough. Regulars put their life and limb at risk. Our 160 troops in Afghanistan face potential injury and death everyday.

So, look for something to do back home.

Hang in there.
 
noobparent, that isn't a very nice, polite or accurate thing to say.

Everyone should be and is treated with respect.
 
betty (bettyong25) that is an excellent idea. In fact, it's an idea I've had before. A SWC! Heehee.

We can relate and understand what each other is going through, which other wives may not.
 
They stray a lot. My friend told me but his wife didn't know. They visit prostitutes....better follow hubby there if not, just accept the fact.
 
This is in response to FackFaith's post -

"noobparent, that isn't a very nice, polite or accurate thing to say.

"Everyone should be and is treated with respect."

I am just stating a FACT.

In the SAF, there is a clear hierarchy of responsibilities and that translates to a hierarchy of privileges.

Officers, especially Senior Officers (defined as MAJ and above) have many more privileges that other ranks (e.g. NCOs) don't have. If you don't believe me, go ask any SAF regular or any guy who has served NS.

Yes, everybody is treated with respect. That is not the same as everybody is treated equally.

The best food is served to senior officers. Heck, they even have the best food cooked by the best cooks for them, even when outfield.

When I was in Australia on overseas deployment, 20 men squeezed into one large tent in the field camp. The camp commander had one tent by himself, with air-conditioning to boot.
 
This is in response to Snowpony (snowpony)

"They stray a lot. My friend told me but his wife didn't know. They visit prostitutes....better follow hubby there if not, just accept the fact."

I agree. Not all stray. Some don't but many do.

When on overseas posting for extended periods without the wife, how is the man going to satisfy his needs? It is a very real issue.

It doesn't help that many of them have little morals and will not hesitate to find prostitutes.

I've been to Australia before. I've seen for myself what the behaviour is like. I pity the wives.
 
I don't want to alarm anybody here but you may or may not be aware that on overseas missions, the SAF issues condoms. At least during my time.
 
Hi ladies,
Allow me to post my 1 cent worth.
This thread started innocently on the loneliness that some of us has to deal with when our hb goes on deployment. I think it's a good place to share our concerns on common grounds, and to find support.

There's a couple of comments regarding treatment and privileges. It's hard when we see our hb "not getting a common treatment" as compared to some. But, come on, this is real life. Whether in the army or private sector, this happen, isn't it? The top guy in a corporation travels first class, dines at top restuarants and gets reimbursements....... Then what about us, the rank and files? Would u then consider yourself being "unfairly" treated? Think again, there's no free lunch in this world. The so called senior officers probably hv to answer to lots of responsibilities that we don't face. I think when our hb share with us their situation in the army, what they need is empathy and support, and a listening ear. We all complain once a while, and for some, all the time
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, we just need to let off steam, right.

I don't see any concern with the fact that SAF issues condoms. Yes, it's a real need, but we are talking about mature adults who can exercise real but mature thinking. Whether is it on home ground or overseas, do u think it will hv an impact on your man holding in his desires? I think it's all in his mind. If he choose to stray, it really doesn't matter where he is. Haven't we heard enough of irresponsible spouses who betrays their other half - be it the man or the woman.

Fackfaith,
Kudos to u to hv 100% faith in your hb. I'm sure he appreciates your trust and I think that's important.

Noobparent,
Pardon me for saying this. But I think the camp commander also went through the "20 men squeeze in a tent" treatment before he gets to enjoy his "airconditioned" personal tent
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. and that's probably after his 20 odd years of service? Guess he's tough enough to deal with "the unfair treatment". And in the corporate world, we go through the same thing.

Ladies, keep your faith in the right place for your hb, unless they misplace or displace your trust.
 
noobparent, you said "when on overseas posting for extended periods without the wife, how is the man going to satisfy his needs? It is a very real issue", a statement I find puzzling.

It's as if you live in a bubble where SAF personnel are the only people in the world who go overseas for work.
 
hi noobparent,
thanks for your info on the rank structure. Let's not talk about the privileges, rank, straying part if not it will never end.

This thread started from a simple topic, sharing advice and for wives/moms to chit chat. Let's keep it this way.
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Fackfaith...

reading thru your posting, i can empathise wif u... i went thru the same thing (short overseas trips) n now oso gg thru the same thing as u... 6 mths deployment... hehehe

one consoling thought for me is that we r more fortunate than them... we are in our familiar territory in sg wif frens and family while they are in some strange country wif a bunch of colics... for all we know, they are feeling worse than us, new working env + new living env + missing home/you... its a good chance for us to learn some independence so that he can carry out his duties with a peace of mind right?? many pple hv told me '6 mths very fast one lah' which i can't really agree cos they are not the ones counting the days...

btw can your hubby access the internet to video skype/msn?? if can, u try to set up video skype/msn wif him.... it helps to lessen the 'missing' pain... last but not least, u take care... u can pm me if u need someone to talk to...

Good luck!!
 
Fackfaith,
How r u doing? Hv u decided if u will be going to US with your hubby?

Sweetcorn,
You're right. I believe their life over there is not a bed of roses, either.
 
noobparent, it's not true that senior officers have all the privileges. They tend to enjoy more than the junior staff. But it's also because they bear a bigger responsbility than the junior staff....
 
bouncy,
not oni phonecalls can't reach sometimes, internet connection oso not stable... but no choice lah, its better than nothing right?? hv to be positive else counting days can be terribly unbearable... Lol
 
Fackfaith

forming a group is not easy. Just like what many agree here to just voice out and not talk about OWC or SWC.. Hehe.. We can gather no matter is OW or SW, am i right?
 
hi sweatcorn,
yes agree, really bad counting the days and hb also missed out on the child's developmental stages. So for my no. 2, i insist that hb spend time watching the growing up baby stage, from crawling to walking, etc.
 
Betty, yup I don't even know how the issue got derailed into a whole rank thing by some people who are outsiders and don't even have anything to do with the SAF anymore beyond their reservist commitments.

SWC = SAF Wives Club
 
My husband just told me that they will be getting posted overseas again.. Dunno when it will be. Its kind of troublesome as we need to plan for our New Home and wedding.

Fack Faith sms me.. =) 90284275
 
Dear Betty,

I hope you're holding up well upon hearing about your hubby's deployment.

It's tough for sure, anything longer than 3 months is tough.

Whenever my hubby goes overseas for work for 1-2 weeks, I always welcome it because it frees up time for me to do the things I want to do. It gets tough when its longer than 3 months I think.

What I've learnt from the past many long and agonizing months is to get as busy as possible with work. When I have free time on my hands, I watch TV, read or go out with meals and drinks with friends. I also did solo travelling on my own, although it was for only 4 days.

Currently, I'm overseas for work, so unable to SMS.

Do take care, all army wives.
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Betty,
Just a piece of advice --- reveal your contact details via PM instead of publishing on an open forum; you'd never know who's watching. :p
 

Hi FackFaith,

wow.. your tu to go overseas for work.

Keke good... I wish to travel solo too but he won't allow..

Yes i agree that we need to get busy and its also a good time to enjoy.

So far no news about him going overseas. =)

[email protected]
 
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