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Husband - pls judge

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Dadydady, Oct 18, 2017.

  1. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi,

    I'm a daddy and it's my first post here. Chanced upon this forum after I had a big quarrel with my wife, who said that I'm not good to her at all..and that made me feel very down. Hence I hope by providing more details here, fellow sisters can give me your opinions or judge how i do as a husband.

    We have 1 kid who's 2yrs+ and a maid at home (wife's working too). In terms of finances, we don't go down to the details but basically wife pays the maid's salary, the kid's clothings, diapers, toys, groceries whenever her parents buy for us. I pay all the house utilites bills, the kid's childcare, insurance fees, milk powder, NTUC shopping if i'm around, dining out as a family, all the car's expenses (ard 1.5k/mth). Only she uses the car on weekdays as she needs to fetch the kid to school, and if there's a need to top up petrol or wash the car, I'll be the one doing it. I take mrt daily. I don't surprise her with gifts like how the best hubbies do, but on her birthdays, I normally spend a few hundreds to dine out and buy a present for her.

    Before we had a maid, and baby was still small, I help out with some chores like clearing the rubbish, washing the dishes, ironing my own clothes, going out to buy back lunches (I still do that all weekends cause she says she's tired/lazy to go out), help baby to change diapers, clothes, oh and carry and coax baby to sleep every night.

    Past few times we had arguments because I told her to stop using her phone all the time as she'd be glued to her mobile while baby's mucus was going into the mouth or maybe watching some violent scene on TV. Then once we were travelling, she told me she needed to use the washroom, so I waited for her outside while I carried the baby. When she came out, I saw her entering a department store and so I waited outside, with the baby for like 20-30mins. When she finally came back, I gave her a black face and chided her for going to shop while i waited outside with baby, to which she responded that ever since we had a baby, I'd been criticizing her for all the small things and didn't give her personal space.

    As she goes to work later, she would normally sleep late and wake up later than me. So during the weekends, I will wake up first with the kid and look after the kid for 1-2hrs so that wife can sleep more. Once a while if she tells me she is meeting her friends after work, I will just say ok and look after the kid for the night, without asking details of who she's meeting or where she's going. She's an independent person and tends to have her own thinking. As a result, when it comes to making decisions, many a times she will override me, partly because I give in to her. From which contractor to use, which hotel to book for hols, which school kid should attend, sometimes we have different opinions and she will go ahead to make her decision. Overtime, it is making me unhappy and more passive as I don't feel respected, and often my efforts and time have gone to waste (eg. researching for a holiday hotel and gets ignored eventually). Sometimes partly because of this issue, I don't really feel like making love (our frequency is like once every 3-4 weeks..) She has complained about the lack of intimacy, so I tried to cut down on the porn and diy, to increase the frequency to once a fortnight (she doesn't have a high libido, just expecting slightly more i guess).

    I'm not sure why, but since early days (not just now) when we got married, she does not hold my hands nor kiss me except during bedroom activity. Sometimes when i read about other wives expecting a daily kiss before work from their husbands, or when I see women willingly hold their husband's arm while walking, makes me so envious. I wish she would do that or ask me to do the same, but i guess this kind of stuff depends on whether one has the feelings to do so..? So because we normally have little physical contact (and she's not the kind who'd dress up to attract me either) sex just took a back seat for me overtime..usually only happens if she asks for it

    Sorry for the long story, just wanted to give more background info, so that you can better understand my situation. Do you all feel that I'm not good to my wife or not a good husband..?

    Thank you so much for your time for reading
     


  2. blur_blur_gal

    blur_blur_gal Member

    Wow I feel you are really a super nice and hands on dad and husband! Maybe good to have a heart to heart talk with her telling her how you feel. In this age of digital technology, it’s hard not to glue to our phones but it can still be done. I will tell myself kid only grow up once and once we missed the time spent with them instead of phone there is no way to turn back time so that I can reduce my phone time.
    Hope things will turn out well for you soon:)
     
  3. Sia White

    Sia White Member

    You sound like a average husband. If you have wanted more intimacy why don`t you provoke it? One average marriage needs more tense and passion to survive. Start to bring her more presents (exclude child). If she thinks that you are with her because she is a mother to your child ( it sounds like she is thinking it) she probably feels underestimated ( like you) I mean both of you need time together without daily stuff and please really please stop counting things like this (wife pays the maid's salary, the kid's clothings, diapers, toys, groceries whenever her parents buy for us. I pay all the house utilites bills, the kid's childcare, insurance fees, milk powder, NTUC shopping if i'm around) In your mind you should do maximum for your marriage, when your wife sees that you love her enough (like woman, not like mother of your child) things will be different
     
  4. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    Yes, u are a good husband. But sometime u have to look from your wife side also.
    I would suggest sit down to have a good talk with her. There might be some misunderstanding, and its hurting your marriage
     
  5. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi blur_blur_gal,

    Thank you for your encouragement, your comments lifted my spirits.. :)
     
  6. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi Sia White,

    We don't discuss and split who pays what..I wrote those details only so that readers can understand our financial situation.

    I admit and agree with you that I could do more so that she will feel more loved..but doesn't it work the opposite way too..? Men must always apologize first even if we're not at fault at times? I don't feel admired nor respected as a guy and it makes me become more passive, and she's not the kind who'll give in easily either.

    Do you have any suggestions besides buying more gifts for her?

    Regarding spending time together alone, unfortunately due to circumstances, we don't have the luxury of passing the kid to our parents to look after as they don't have their own place. On all vacations, we bring our kid along.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  7. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi wendy_reborn,

    Thanks for your positive remark.. I guess you're right.. but it's really hard to bring this kind of topics up as it's quite awkward..? I think normally women are better at confronting these issues?
     
  8. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    There's no different between man n woman on this kind of things.
    I believe for the sake of a happy marriage, either party lower their pride and establish a good communication channel, there won't have so many misunderstanding and gudges.
     
  9. timmerin

    timmerin Active Member

    Hi dadydady, I appreciate your heartfelt sharing. You are a pretty good Husband. From your description, your Wife is pretty good too.

    Just that love life and intimacy has become a lot more bland after children. I think the best way to improve your marriage is to work on the communication.

    For eg u can tell her she could inform you first if she wishes to go to the department store first. Tell her that you won't mind her have some alone time but it's really not so nice to be left alone and I am sure she won't feel good too if the tables were turned around.
    Beneath our anger, lies hurt. So explain to her that you felt hurt by her actions.

    Work on something positive to give to your Wife each day. A smile, a compliment, holding her hand or giving her a hug, find something to do together with her after kid is asleep, chit chat, watch dvd etc

    Can't expect love life to go back to the honeymoon stage but it can be even more solid and meaningful than honeymoon stage.
     
  10. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    sorry dont mind me asking, what's your age and what is your wife's age? i know age does not matter but i will explain to you after knowing your answer.
     
  11. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi timmerin, thanks for your advice. Our communication is really not good..we don't discuss about why we were upset after an argument.. we don't hold hands nor hug normally either (would be strange doing it now) so i guess i can work on giving her more compliments.. and buying gifts for no reason to try to improve the r/s on my part.

    We're in the midst of deciding whether to go for a 2nd child or not..the only reason i would consider a 2nd one is so that my first kid will not feel lonely..but my gut feel tells me not to, 'cause if we're already not that loving or she feels im not good to her..then wouldn't a 2nd child bring even more conflict into the r/s..? I really need to go read up the other threads on how the 2nd and 3rd child affected others..

    Thanks again
     
  12. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi, without giving away too much, we're both in our mid-thirties and I'm 1-2yrs older
     
  13. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    yes i agree with you..but it's so hard to do that in reality. Don't mind me asking how do you maintain good communication channel with your husband? Do you always go to him to tell him the reasons why you were unhappy and does he do the same..?
     
  14. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    i would say find a chance to have a good talk with her but a lot of people would say that it's easier said than done.

    a lot of people in our age belong to the generation where life starts improving. so to put it in a bad way, we are more or less spoilt to a certain extent.

    we also grow up to be allowed to have our own thinking and opinion.

    in summary, couples usually know more or less about each other already. just that in marriage life you are given the extended version of what u think u expected.

    sometimes women view love and care not as what u deem fit for them. u might think u have done enough but eventually in quarrel they will say i never asked u for help or i never asked u to do it.

    not to put u down but u r doing a good job. except maybe u need to find an occassion to discuss with her. like maybe bring her to a restaurant, tell her she's beautiful, u know give her some sugar before u say u wish how she can help u?

    we are in a world of gadgets now, i agree its dangerous to feed baby and play with the phone. so as mentioned, try find some way to get the message across to her.

    but i think we need to slowly accept gadgets taking over our lives.

    directly telling people things dont work sometimes.
     
  15. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Just to share the things dat DH do now dat we dont have a maid.

    1) Fetch our DD to and fro school
    2) Makes breakfast 4 DD and myself or if it's weekend, buy breakfast 4 us
    3) Cooks dinner
    4) Put d clothes into d washer / dryer

    N no, he is not a romantic man, but we still kiss each other good nights and good byes. We still hold hands when we go out... at least try since wif DD it would usually means her standing between us.

    We do have our arguments, but he has never complained about having 2 do all d wk. N if u asked him y... he wld say dat no one points a gun 2 his head n forced him... he is okie doing it, so he has no complains. 2 me... dat is a sweetest thing anyone can do 4 me. He doesnt asked me 2 do it, doesnt expect me 2 do it, however, by d mere fact dat he does it without me saying, or asking. dat is enough 4 me.
     
  16. meowie323

    meowie323 Member

    My husband and I whatsapp each other throughout the day. We update each other about everything that's going on, including what we had for lunch, interesting things mentioned by colleagues, when we leave office, discuss messages sent by teachers in relation to our child and tell each other I love you either via whatsapp or verbally everyday. During weekdays, we meet for lunch often, even though it means travelling long distances. Yes, we tell each other in the face what we are unhappy about, but usually, we don't have to voice it out verbally coz we know each other so well that we know why the other party is unhappy.

    However, things weren't always like that. My husband and I were previously not the type to express our love for each other too. We rarely hold each other's hands when we went out, and kissing was even rarer. Several years ago, after my child was born, there was a long period of time whereby I stopped communicating with my husband and refused to be intimate. I was stressed out by my difficult child, felt total loss of freedom and depressed about my life every single day. My husband had a hard time trying to connect with me. However, he never gave up trying. He asked me to stop working for a while, and as the sole breadwinner for almost a year, he worked hard to provide for the extended family financially and yet, helped to do housework and take care of the child when he was home e.g. waking up for baby's night feeds every night. When I was sick and hospitalized, he would come visit me at the hospital every morning before he goes to work, buys me lunch at noon, rushes back to work, comes back to the hospital after he knocks off from work, and then rushes home at 9pm to put our child to bed, do laundry, settle the administrative stuff at home before sleeping past midnight.

    Fast forward a few years. One day, I decided that life cannot continue like this anymore. My husband is my life partner, while my child will only be with me for maybe 20 years or so before she becomes independent and lives her own life? So, I decided to stop fussing over the kid. For the first time in a few years, we started to go exercising together or pak tor without the child on weekends, and we started going on overseas holidays without our child too. It really changed our relationship. We spoke about why we first got together almost 20 years ago, what were the attributes that attracted us to each other. We started holding hands and hugging when we go out, and totally rekindled our relationship.

    Your wife might be experiencing a lot of emotional stress because of work and the child too. She is probably as upset as you are about your marriage, and she too doesn't know what to do to get out of this. Think about why you chose her in the first place. There must be something about her that you love, which made you married her. Try to get a babysitter to look after your child at least once a week, so that both of you can have a relaxing dinner together without having to fuss over the baby. If possible, go for a short vacation together without the baby too. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk. I know it takes 2 hands to clap and both must be willing to communicate. However, if you think that she's the love of your life, give her more time and try to make things work? Frankly speaking, if my husband hadn't been patient with me, he would have divorced me many years ago. Notwithstanding the physical and emotional frustrations that he experienced over those few years, he had never lost his temper with me. So, please be patient with your wife and give both of you a chance?
     
  17. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Thanks for your advice.. and I like "u know give her some sugar before u say u wish how she can help u?" I think it's practical and should work.. will bear that in mind :)
     
  18. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi tiggerpooh, I'm sure you're the envy of many couples out there..including myself. I can feel your admiration for him..and of course how he dotes on you.. do you all have someone to look after your kid so that you can spend time alone? Like going out or for a short holiday?
     
  19. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Wow..meowie323, thanks for your detailed sharing..i'm very happy for you how your r/s has turned around..and it gives me hope and inspiration too. I've never thought about engaging a babysitter..shall look into that. I actually have a maid, who thankfully doesn't give us any major problem..so far we never leave the kid alone with the maid to go out to spend time alone, partly because our kid has a difficult temperament too..always want us to be by the side. Will look further into this babysitting idea.. thanks a lot for your suggestions!
     
  20. jayjayqueenie

    jayjayqueenie Active Member

    usually when there's quarrel, there's can be some hurtful words. like u r not a good husband etc. in fact, u actually mean a lot to each other that's why you come to say such things.

    always go back to the root of the problem that is yourself and your wife.

    once u have more or less understood, we can then step away from third party help such as online platform or another friend.

    it's not always good to continue discuss things with third party when u already see the light.
     
  21. lhtoh2003

    lhtoh2003 Member

  22. lhtoh2003

    lhtoh2003 Member

    Every married couple start quarrel when your 1st bb come and I hv come across all this. To built a family is not easy, if you don't like her attitude toward you, you must sit down or and tell her what you think so that she can reflect herself. No married couples are not quarrel one. Sometimes my hubby used whatapps to told me what he felt coz when quarrel no good words to each other one. Now you have maid, the burden on doing housework is not a problem. Let's calm and find time to talk to her e.g. patou one day, leave your child to parent to tk care and get chance to tell her what is your feeling coz I think both of u need to adjust each other from couple before marry and aft married. Aft married, all the concentration will be focus on family, kids. Ps settle asap and don't angry more than 2days. If u really think the problem get serious I think both of u need go for counselling. (Hopefully not) I am a mother with 2 kids with no maid, I am working and my hubby have been resting at home without job for 2 years due to his sickness. I shared this just wanted to tell u all your problem is a very mild matter to me, please appreciate what you have and don't expect any return back if you love her or your family. Wish you happy forever in your life.

    Sent from my SM-G930F using Forum mobile app
     
  23. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Thanks jayjayqueenie for your advice!
     
  24. Dadydady

    Dadydady New Member

    Hi, thank you very much for sharing and your well wishes. I hope your family situation will improve over time..take care

    and thanks again!
     

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