20 years of marriage, 3 kids, should I leave them now?

I personally dont feel that divorce is end of the world or hurt your children.
What if your own children withness what happen to u and your hubbi ?
Wouldnt it be more hurtful ?
If u have chose the path , leaving your hubbi,
Tell your children what really happen when they grow up.
Shower them with love.
And not stay with hubbi and let your children see u cry everyday ..
God bless
happy.gif
 


After reading so many story I can only conclude that a mother's love is the greatest of all and that there is no happily ever after. Marriage can only last if there is communication and respect. Try treating your husband like your child and minus off the nagging. It takes two hands to clap.
 
This is a very hard situation, I know where you're coming from and the choice is yours. I think you can start trying to fix your relationship with your husband. Try to see yourself on outside perspectives. Are you really scary for your kids? You cant make things work if you're unhappy. Maybe you can try part time works or business. Think hard if you really have to leave your family. There may be some other way. Try to be sweeter mom. Work on gaining your kids love and respect. I hope this helps.
 
I took on 1 part-time job, but eventually gave up as my 2 sons results dive and their interest in study wanes. My husband became more and more vuglar and hit me once. He also hit my boys and use vuglarities on them. Even if he's with the kidss, he hardly talked to them. He's either busy smsing or chitchatting online. My sons told me he's has the habit of chatting up salegirls, waitresses and even stared at women. My sons dont really respect him anymore and tried to void going out with him on weekends. My husband ended up spending more time alone with hi hp and laptop and has become more withdrawn.

He continues to badmouth me to the boys and started making me pay for almost everything with the family allowance he provided. He also purposely mess up the house, throw thingss around, dirty the dinning table with his food, smoke at home and was un-coperative in closing windows or changing lightbulbs. Our wooden flooring has popped and cubboard damaged due to rain water coming in, but he'll till not co-operate. I have to spend more time tidying and waiting for him to retire to bed after 12am, to close the windows.

He emailed me sometime beginning last year that he'll proceed with divorce after my youngest son finished his PSLE end of this year.

Unfortunately, in Jan this year he was terminated! But alas, th whole family suffers with him! He refused to let go his 1800 cc car and instead spend another $5000 repairing on 2 occasion, one b4 he loses his job and 2nd time after. Now his car aircon is also spoilt. His car instalment is already $900+ every month! But, the first expenses he cut is the family allowance from $3700 to now $2000, and he stopped giving my daughter her $200 monthly allowance.

My daughter is working part-time now and I'm looking for a full-time job.

My problem is: he told the boys if he can't get a job, he'll sell our 5-rm HDB flat jointly owed by us, he'll go overseas to do business (presumely China as his job took him there often), and we can rent a room ourselves. Now, he's 50 wheras I'm 48. I gave up a well-paid job as Secretary 13 years ago at his request, as he wanted to have a peace of mind to forcus on building up his caareer. He travelled extensively. At that time, he gave me an allowance equivalent to my last drawn monthly pay, and put all his salary into a joint account. He also gave me credit cards and paid for my mums needs from time to time. 3 years ago, while the allowance remains (the amount has never changed since 13 years ago), his salary no longer goes into the joint account and he kept trying ways and means to make me paid for additional items from the joint account. My friend suspect he's trying to deplete the amount. He stopped paying my visa bills, even my hp charges of $16, tagged to his name all these 22 years of marriage, was removed.

At our age, he's got $208,000 in his CPF whereas I only have $500. He's get back $344,185.00 if we sell our flat, whereas I only get back about $120,000 and I need to house the children. How am I to afford nothing flat? Therefore, I'm not in favour of a divorce. However, I am now worried that he might dumped the family, esp when he turns 55, because he can withdraw $82,000, after putting aside $131,000, or if he decides to live permanetly overseas, he might denounce his citizenship and take all his CPF monies.

Therefore, I need to get a lawyer advice on whether I should divorce him instead b4 he turns 55 as I know CPF is part of matrimonial asset but I am not sure once he turned 55, whether the minimum sum of $131,000 will be locked in, or continues to be part of matrimonial asset.

I am very actively looking for a job nd need to see the lawyer asap before I start work. But, with the $2000 given to me now to spend on a household of 5, I am already facing difficulties making ends meet. I cannot afford to pay $200-$300 for n hour with a lawyer, therefore I'm seeking anyone's help to recommend me a lawyer who doe not charge for 1st consultation. Any feedback will be appreciated.
 
Hi Mag, i know of community centres who provide free legal advice on a monthly basis. Perhaps u can call up some community centres near u and check?
 
Dear Mag,

I think your husband is simply playing with time. Actually after selling your flat, beside $120,000 go back to your CPF, you will still have some cash from the sale proceed but you need to inform the agent and HDB that both of you are divorcing, else when the monies go into joint account, your husband will definately draw all the monies out and you left with nothing.
As for your children, you should keep them with you and don't give up on your girl, she is rebelious now but soon she will know that you are the best mother.
I think you need to get yourself a full-time job first in order to apply for a flat later. Can go to your MP for help though, now HDB will also allow divorcee to buy subsided flat immediately, so I don't think getting a 3 room flat will be a problem. Your husband is very smart, so you must be smarter than him. Plan well and move on, I think you have enough, find your way out and raise up your 3 kids yourself. They will know that their mum has done so much for them.

The longer you dragged, the older you are, and the more disadvantage on your side. You have used 20 years to see through this man, I think you will know better than anyone of us what your husband will do soon, so make up your mind and move forward.
 
Dear Mag,

you have to stay firm and strong in your decision .Move forward and dont dragged.Remembr this do not leave your kids bcos no matter what they are wat you have and my prayers are with you.
 
dear mag,

I do empathize with your situation.. however:

- Your 2 sons are old enough to know what is good for them a.k.a study and get good results. They do not require you to stay at home and keep an eye on them to do their home work. SO leaving your part time job for them is not a good enough reason esp if you are trying so hard to "make ends meet"

- $2,000 is more than enough to feed a family of 5 (that is $500 a week!). All you have to do is forgo luxuries such as fine dining, eat more veg and less meat, cut down on yakult, get rid of your maid...etc

- you keep dwelling that your hubby made you give up your "well paying" job as a secretary 13 years ago.. get over it.. as that was SOoooooooo long ago... and it takes 2 hands to clap and make a decision. so you are responsibile of that particular decision as well.

All in all, what i'm trying to say is that if you want to turn your life ard, forget all these excuses, find a job and be independent.

About the sale of your house, since its joint ownership you have the right to refuse to sell just for kicks and to anger your husband.
 
Hello mag, read ur post and found both of us hv some similarities. But u r much stronger than I do coz u endure for so many years -- how? I am also a SAHM for 3 kids (much younger than ur coz my elder is only in P5 this yr and youngest turning 3 soon). Courtship for 5 years and marriage for 14 yrs and now after a long 19 yrs relationship, he abuse my trust abs betrayed me, betrayed the marriage vow..... Why r most men like that?????? Few years back when the local famous film director JN case reported in the newspaper and even most recently MP scandal, my shameless husband still dare to swear he will never ever behave like them..... And now......... SIGH!!!!!!! I am feel very pain, hurt, loss, clueless and helpless ... Coz my kids are way to small compare to ur that why I really admire ur courage and how u endure and stay put for so long in this type of marriage................??????as much as I want to endure for the time being as all my kids are so young, but I am feeling terrible everyday......Teach me pls.. I cannot do anything now and since i am a free thinker so I can only hope for miracle ........ Maybe one day I turn to GOD for help and let him guide me along this painful journey.. ( c my post - my husband of 14 yrs forged cert of annulment of marriage)
 
just give all these people, to realised, u are human. u have feeling, pack your luggage for 1 or 2 days hotel stay. relax your mind, calm down maybe in this way. you can sort out your mind better, and your husband will realised...he is useless.HA-HA-HA. i m serious. the way u mentioned, he treated you like maid except u are the mother of the 3 kids, else he will chase you off long ago. just go relax trip for 2 days. too tense up also no good
 

Back
Top