We bade our final farewell to baby Kayla yesterday morning. She was sleeping soundly in her white coffin, accompanied with a white teddy bear from her daddy. The hat I made for her framed her little face and fitted well. She was so small, it really pained me to see her.
Kayla was cremated at Mandai crematorium. En-route, we passed by Upper Seletar reservior, the place we spent the last day with Kayla. The reservior is still so tranquil and serene.
I am glad that I naturally delivered her as she deserve the commitment of a natural delivery. It was after 10hrs of labor pain but it's all worth it, for her. It was surreal having her on my chest, I did not cry in front of her.
Kayla was born pure, without any sins or worldly desires. She will go to heaven regardless of any religion. We had a simple Buddhist prayer session for her before she left. Hope she will go in peace....
I am now observing Chinese traditional confinement with my mum taking care of me. I fear the loneliness after my confinement. I will be alone at home then, and I have to go back to life without Kayla. I will miss days with Kayla when we would wake up late in the morning and go to nearby hawker centres for brunch. We would go for our favorite food which need to queue up for at least 20mins, despite me getting the dizzy spells for standing too long. I will miss the afternoons we would enjoy music from the radio and taking naps when we felt sleepy. I will miss our evening walks to my parents' place for dinner with my doggie, Fify, and wait for hubby to return from work and pick us home...
I am missing everything about Kayla...I am so heartbroken and agonised. The only time I can throw these feelings away is when I sleep, only if I can sleep long enough. Waking up to the reality every morning is very painful. I wish this whole episode is just a bad dream. I wish I still have a healthy Kayla with me. But I know that's just a wish on my side, my wish will never come true. The worst has happened, I am struggling to keep afloat.
I do not dare to think about the near future. What I am supposed to do next from here? I feel so mentally exhausted now. I wish to have another baby for hubby but I feared something bad to happen again. It has been 3 failed pregnancies, will we ever get out of this vicious cylcle and have a healthy baby?
Kayla was cremated at Mandai crematorium. En-route, we passed by Upper Seletar reservior, the place we spent the last day with Kayla. The reservior is still so tranquil and serene.
I am glad that I naturally delivered her as she deserve the commitment of a natural delivery. It was after 10hrs of labor pain but it's all worth it, for her. It was surreal having her on my chest, I did not cry in front of her.
Kayla was born pure, without any sins or worldly desires. She will go to heaven regardless of any religion. We had a simple Buddhist prayer session for her before she left. Hope she will go in peace....
I am now observing Chinese traditional confinement with my mum taking care of me. I fear the loneliness after my confinement. I will be alone at home then, and I have to go back to life without Kayla. I will miss days with Kayla when we would wake up late in the morning and go to nearby hawker centres for brunch. We would go for our favorite food which need to queue up for at least 20mins, despite me getting the dizzy spells for standing too long. I will miss the afternoons we would enjoy music from the radio and taking naps when we felt sleepy. I will miss our evening walks to my parents' place for dinner with my doggie, Fify, and wait for hubby to return from work and pick us home...
I am missing everything about Kayla...I am so heartbroken and agonised. The only time I can throw these feelings away is when I sleep, only if I can sleep long enough. Waking up to the reality every morning is very painful. I wish this whole episode is just a bad dream. I wish I still have a healthy Kayla with me. But I know that's just a wish on my side, my wish will never come true. The worst has happened, I am struggling to keep afloat.
I do not dare to think about the near future. What I am supposed to do next from here? I feel so mentally exhausted now. I wish to have another baby for hubby but I feared something bad to happen again. It has been 3 failed pregnancies, will we ever get out of this vicious cylcle and have a healthy baby?