Support Group - Mid Term Termination Of Pregnancy

We bade our final farewell to baby Kayla yesterday morning. She was sleeping soundly in her white coffin, accompanied with a white teddy bear from her daddy. The hat I made for her framed her little face and fitted well. She was so small, it really pained me to see her.

Kayla was cremated at Mandai crematorium. En-route, we passed by Upper Seletar reservior, the place we spent the last day with Kayla. The reservior is still so tranquil and serene.

I am glad that I naturally delivered her as she deserve the commitment of a natural delivery. It was after 10hrs of labor pain but it's all worth it, for her. It was surreal having her on my chest, I did not cry in front of her.

Kayla was born pure, without any sins or worldly desires. She will go to heaven regardless of any religion. We had a simple Buddhist prayer session for her before she left. Hope she will go in peace....

I am now observing Chinese traditional confinement with my mum taking care of me. I fear the loneliness after my confinement. I will be alone at home then, and I have to go back to life without Kayla. I will miss days with Kayla when we would wake up late in the morning and go to nearby hawker centres for brunch. We would go for our favorite food which need to queue up for at least 20mins, despite me getting the dizzy spells for standing too long. I will miss the afternoons we would enjoy music from the radio and taking naps when we felt sleepy. I will miss our evening walks to my parents' place for dinner with my doggie, Fify, and wait for hubby to return from work and pick us home...

I am missing everything about Kayla...I am so heartbroken and agonised. The only time I can throw these feelings away is when I sleep, only if I can sleep long enough. Waking up to the reality every morning is very painful. I wish this whole episode is just a bad dream. I wish I still have a healthy Kayla with me. But I know that's just a wish on my side, my wish will never come true. The worst has happened, I am struggling to keep afloat.

I do not dare to think about the near future. What I am supposed to do next from here? I feel so mentally exhausted now. I wish to have another baby for hubby but I feared something bad to happen again. It has been 3 failed pregnancies, will we ever get out of this vicious cylcle and have a healthy baby?
 


Hi Comme,

I agree with u.....ppl who have gone thru' what we have will truely appreciate our babies a lot more.Others will not understand why we go to such extremes.i was thinking of getting a wheelchair for myself too.but i had a lot of physical help fr my parents,which i am thankful for.I moved back to my parent place during the 3rd trimester.My dad wouldn't even allow me to drive since i got preg.so i was chauffeured all ard.And when ppl ask why we aren't having kids,i juz tell them straight in the face," I had a stillbirth".It usually shuts them up and they don't know what to say.My mum thinks i shouldn't be saying this,but i don't care.i want to protect my tender,fragile soul 1st.u're really good.u gave ur wife so much support.my hubby juz refused to acknowledge our little girl and i went thru' all these agony by myself.he would want me to move on,disallowing me to cry/feel sad.this forum was my listening ear.my hubby even threatened not to have kids if i don't attend his bestie's daughter's 1st b'day,saying if i didnt' go,i wasn't moving on,and he wouldn't want to try.so i dragged my sorry ass there,and tolerated stabbing pain thru' my heart when i saw those kiddies,and even had to pretend everything is okie.

furlin,

*hugs* it's good to do confinement.I hated it and thought there was no point in doing it.but if u're keen to try again,u really have to look after ur body.u'll conceive again when ur body is ready.I hated every moment of it,no baby,why have to do confinement? but i tried 9 long mths for baby no.2.and i put it down to my body not being ready to take another preg.after my 2nd m/c,i really watched what i ate,went to TCM,i conceived within 3 mths again.

I agree with u....i really feel ur pain.sleeping is the only time u r numb to the pain.but i slept only out of exhaustion.i cried myself to bed every night.and every waking moment was spent in agony and in tears.this forum really helps,so come here and write.u'll feel better.we're all here to help u.in fact,a few of us here have made friends and we have met up.and the kind of bond we share is something no one can understand.

u'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.it takes time,so give urself time.....lots of time.....time will heal,though we never forget our lost babies.i hope kayla can make friend with chloe and play together.

pls take care of urself.....
 
furlin, take care. I understand what you are going thru, cause I went thru that before, doing confinement with no baby by my side. My eldest boy jared was borned 23 weeks plus and left us after 2 days.

Same here, my eldest boy jared brought with him a snoopy soft toy we bought for him during christmas when he was cremented. It was painful. really painful to see our children leave us.

take care, and do your confinement well,build up your body and do try again. Don't give up...you will eventually have a healthy baby like monster. Best best wishes.
 
Hi Monster and kkf,
Thanks for being around here for me. I went for a follow up check with my gynae this morning. Kayla's post mortem report is not ready yet though. Need to wait another 2 weeks before we can know what caused her dreadful condition. The gynae's clinic was quiet this morning with me waiting as the 1st patient. Given past visits, we would normally need to wait for 15mins - 50mins to see my doc. There would be many pregnant ladies in the clinic as well. As the first patient today, I'm glad I don't get to see these pregnant ladies as I'm sure they will sadden me more and I will be the only one in the clinic who is filled with grief, sorrow and cannot carry a smile on my face.

On my way to the gynae and in the clinic, I was reminded of the past checkups I had, the excitement, anticipation each time and looking forward to see Kayla on the ultrascan. I also thought of the day she was scanned with hydrocephalus and subsequently we had to let her go....Tears just rolled down uncontrollably.

I had bad engorgement and let-down few last week. I felt terrible and sad, cos I would have been able to breastfeed Kayla with the breastmilk I had.

For confinement, I just had to make myself eat to stay strong and prepare for the next baby. I can only wish that Kayla will come back to me as a healthy, living baby soon.

Hi Monster,
I'm keen on going NUH after reading their recent study for couples with recurrent miscarriages. And I read that you were under Dr. Mary Rauff during your 2nd pregnancy and your 3rd sucessfully pregnancy recently. Did she put you on any special treatment during your 3rd pregnancy? I read how you describe her as experienced, gentle and delicated so I'm thinking of seeing her too. Also, which TCM you go to? Thanks.
 
hi all,

I would like to have some advise and wish to know if anyone here have their pregnancy terminated after 24weeks?

Yesterday, during my routine check my baby was diagnosed with hydrocephalus.... jus like furlin case.... my baby's brain is now all filled with celebral fluid and brain structure is no longer be able to identified by ultrasound scan.

The worse thing now is i am now in my week24 n 5 days pregnancy.... so gynea now said tt i am not able to terminate any pregnancy tt is more than 24weeks.....Everything is fine during the detailed scan in my week20 but things just went wrong after week20. So my gynea refer me to KK hospital this coming monday. She told me KK will do further testing for me to comfirm it and then write in to the ministry to seek approver for the termination.... but it may or may not be approve as well....

Now my greatest worried is what if the ministry dun approve on my termination.... It means tt i have to carry my baby to term and give birth to her which i already know tt she already has very bad mental disorder....

So i ll like to know if anyone here have similiar case as me.... having to terminate the pregnancy after 24weeks and it is approved... pls share your experience with me.....
 
Hi JJ,
My heart sank when I read your post. I cant be more familiar with hydrocephalus and dont wish anyone else to be associated with it. Sorry I cant be helpful to you here as I have no idea how this will be resolved for your case. I hope the ministry will show leniency in your appeal, taking into consideration that you just know of the condition after 24th week. Take good care of yourself too. **Hugs**
 
Hi furlin,

How are u feeling today? I hope u feel a little better with each passing day.It's not easy,give urself time.....

I had my gal's post moterm 2 wks post delivery.Deep down inside,i knew they will not find a cause.But my hubby wanted it done so we could find a reason for her demise.unfortunately,until today,we still wonder wat went wrong.To me,it's not fated.28 wks....i've carried her so far,it's juz not fated.another part of me thinks there's something imperfect abt her and God has taken her away.or rather,it's natural selection.only the fittest survive.

Like u,Furlin,I was seen immediately when i arrived at the gynae.I think the gynaes understand and don't want to prolong our agony.Like u,everytime i see babies,kids,tear well up in my eyes.Even reading abt a child gone too soon in the newspapers makes me cry,until today.but I keep telling myself: I'm going to be rewarded with something better,something perfect.and I told myself the next time I walk out of the hospital,i want to be carrying my baby home.it did come true 2 yrs later.

I had milk dripping too.It made me so upset coz there was no baby to feed.

I read abt the NUH study in the papers too.After my stillbirth,I was very determined.I was determined to have a baby.So i went gynae hunting.Like i've mentioned b4,Prof MAry Rauff has always been one of the gynae of my choice,even for the 1st preg.I went to see her to see if she could manage my future pregnancies differently fr the gyne who managed me during my 1st preg.my 1st gynae is good,but she said something which really put me off.she said,"we'll put u on asprin and hope for the best".Obviously everyone hopes for the best.but i want my gynae to say something like,"i'll try my best for u" and not hope for the best.I want everything that can be done to be done.and if it happens again,i'm resigned to fate.

Deep down inside,I knew this preg will be successful coz of my gynae's reaction.b4 i got preg,she said no flying during the entire preg and i'll be on asprin.that was the plan.she also sent me for many scans and found i had a uterine septum,which was subsequently removed after the 2nd m/c.had she not investigated further,i would have never known abt the uterine septum.the gynae who ressected my uterine septum told me recently (i bumped into him while taking my 2 mth old for his check up)that he's seeing more women with such septum and previously had multiple m/cs.

for the 2nd preg,gynae refused to start me on asprin/progesterone jabs.i think she already knew chances of that preg being successful is low,that's why she didn't want to start me on asprin.she said if i ended up with a m/c,during the D&C,i would bleed too much if i was on asprin.but for this successful preg,her reaction was totally different.she started me on asprin the moment she saw a heartbeat and she also started me on twice wkly progesterone jabs.i saw her wkly during the 1st trimester.thinking of it now,there was nothing more she could have done other than to reassure us and reassure herself by seeing the baby on the scan wkly.appts in the 2nd trimester was more spaced out.appts in the 3rd trimester was wkly again.she made me count foetal movements and fr 32 wks onwards,i had CTG wkly.U know,i keep seeing women go into the CTG room and i told myself i want to be sitting in that room too.and true enough,i made it that far.it's a lot of mind power.she also made me stop work at 26 wks.umbilical blood flow was measured wkly during the 3rd trimester too.

Why dont' u see her for an opinion? see if she can give u more insight to what happened.i brought all my medical reports for her when i 1st went to see her.get it checked out early b4 the next preg so whatever needs to be done can be investigated while ur body is still healing so u don't waste time.

If u go c her,mention abt my case and my name (i'll PM u) to see if she can see any trend with women like us who had early foetal demise.

BTW,i have a book called "Farewell,my child".it was given by KKH when i had the stillbirth.would u like to read it? if yes,maybe i can lend it to u? it's quite theraputic to read it,to know u're not the only one who is going thru' such a tough time.Others like myself have also been thru' it,and survived the toughest times of our lives.we made it thru' our darkest moments,so will u.....
 
Hi Monster,
Thanks very much for your concern. I suppose I'm feeling better day by day, time is the best medicine. I'm getting bored at home, beside resting, I indulged in online shopping which made me momentarily forget the pain of loss. At some moments, I felt very guilty towards my baby cos she was momentarily 'forgotten' by materialistic buys
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Medical science today is advanced to be able to detect many illness but ironically, there are many illness without cure yet and nothing can save our babies. I took a miscarriage profile after my 2nd miscarriage and they couldnt find any cause. I dont know if it's going to be cause unfound this time but I really hope they can tell us something, this is the last key to the answers we want to know.

I stick to the same gynae for all my 3 pregnancies because he is dedicated and attentive. I feel very attached to him cos I feel safe to be in his hands. I very much wanted him to deliver my baby. It was him who decided for us to deliver my baby in a single ward instead of delivery suite cos I would hear babies cries in other suites and not mine. He literally single-handed delivered my baby cos there was miscom with the staff nurses and only 1 nurse was around to help out during my delivery. My gynae actually had to tell me when to push etc, which I thought should be the responsibilty of the nurses. The last 2 miscarriages, before I went under GA, he would stand by my side to ask if I'm ok and reassure me. For this 3rd one, he was very happy and said he was feeling good about this one when he saw baby's heartbeat. It was also the 1st time I saw my gynae smiling broadly and even winked at me. Can tell he was also sad when my baby's condition was confirmed, he said we are the last couple he would ever want anything bad to happen. I was given 2 times a day progesterone pills to take during the 1st trimester for this 3rd pregnancy, but things still happen...

I feel hopeful after reading your successful pregnancy with A/P Mary. I'll be calling them up for appt, though I thought I should wait 2 weeks later till I get the post mortem report. I think for someone like A/P Mary who is dedicated and concerned, she will be make sure all checks are done for us. I would want to have a gynae like that too. I dont mind even if I have to go for checkups/scans/injections everyweek.

Thanks for offering, I have read 'Farewell, my child' online. Indeed, it's a good book to read at this point of time.

Strangely, I actually dont really like kids. I cant mingle well with them or play with them. But I want very much to have a baby of our own. I actually quitted my job in March this year after 2nd miscarriage last Sept to rest & try to conceive. Despite poor appetite these days, I just make myself eat cos I want to get well soon to try again. Of cos I'll make sure I see a good gynae to do all the checks and 'tiao' my body by TCM before conceiving again. I'll do these by end this year cos I dont wish to waste anymore time. I hope there will be good news by early next year.

I got your email too, thanks!
 
Dear ladies,

When a woman miscarriaged, it is heart wrenching and devastating for her to accept the loss of her precious baby. The damage done to her body is much worse as compared to a normal childbirth. Women tend to neglect their health when they miscarriage due to their overwhelming sadness to accept the cruel fact. However, during this period of healing, women need to take more confinement food to slowly nurse their health in order to be able to try to conceive again. At Baby Dust Shop, we offer some confinement dishes (home cooked) such as Pig trotters with vinegar, Sesame oil chicken wings with DOM, Danggui Herbal Duck which are good dishes to have during mini confinement.

Do check out the links over here.
http://babydustshop.blogspot.com/2010/07/home-made-traditional-pig-trotters-with.html
http://babydustshop.blogspot.com/2010/08/home-cooked-dang-gui-angelica-sinensis.html
http://babydustshop.blogspot.com/2010/08/sesame-oil-chicken-wings-with-dom.html

Visit http://babydustshop.blogspot.com for more information.
 
Hi,
Me just stillborn my #2 at 17wks 2 wks ago cos doc found tat she had no skull n brain not developed well. I can feel the pain all the ladies here feel cos me still hv the pain nw and everynite still cry silently cos afraid hb n my ger know. I feel so sorry tat i cnt hug her n kiss her cos hb n parents told me not to see after delivered her. My whole world crashed when i heard tat i nd to terminate my pregnancy and cnt stop crying and no1 can know hw pain i feel, I really miss her n miss her movement n miss seeing her grow
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Hope she can cum back to me again but hb say he is afraid of hving bb liao cos see me so painful n suffer when i preggy but i realli 1 2 try again
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hi dear ladies....i am not sure if i shld be posting here, but i really do need an outlet....i hope i dun offend anyone by my post, or hurt anyone. i am just hoping to share my sadness with someone who may or may not understand...

i have 2 kids, the younger one had seizures recently during a fever, and we were in the hospital for 3 days and subsequently her fever lasted 11 days. it was a nightmarish episode for us due to the worry, the ever present anxiety, and the fatigue. around this time hubby said to me, that we shld not have 3 kids which was our eventual plan. we shld stop at 2 and focus our time and efforts on building up the health of my 2 big ones first. i agreed. at that moment, nothing matters more to me than building up the health of my kids. they are fallin sick just too often compared to their peers and taking longer to recover.

when at the hospital, i felt very tired and no appetite, and i put it down to worry for my girl. when i went home, i realisd my tiredness continues, and i dun seem to be able to get enough sleep. soon, i started to feel all the sympthoms i had when preg with my 2 kids. to cut the long story short, eventually 1 week later we plucked up courage to test, and it was positive. i dunno how it happened as I was very careful counting the days. but i guess it just did, somehow.

i was worried coz of a few things:
1. i took a drug for my yeast infection less than 2 weeks before conception. i took it twice, the first dose was a 1mth before, 2nd dose was 2 weeks before. this drug is not advisable for preg woman as it may cause birth defects if taken during early preg, and its classified C.
2. my health has been weakening all this past yr, prob coz of my late nights and my night awakenings coz my girl kept waking up between 1-2 yrs old. i have since trained her out of it but it has affected my health, as i dun sleep early too to begin with. i kept falling sick, and have recurrent yeast infection which i NEVER had before. i saw TCM and checked internet and i found out its due to my weakened immune system.
3. I have been having heart palpitations on and off for the past 3 mths. once it was so bad i had to go A&E. and i have been experiencing skipped heart beats, which i did read shld be alright if doesn't come with accompanying sympthoms. but still, i had intended to get it checked out, when this happen.

in view of all these reasons abv, and the desire for me to spend more quality time with my 2 kids during this tender age, we have came to the decision to terminate the pregnancy. as the days go by, discussing this with my close friend, and the things i read from u moms on this forum, makes me cry whenever i think of this decision. but i have discussed with hubby and i really dun see how i can pull through with this preg. prob cos of my weakeneed health now, this preg seemed harder than my first 2, i simply dun have strength to do anything except lie in bed. i also worry about the medicine i took, and with my health now how do i nourish my child to health. i really want my 3rd child to be healthy, and if my body has nothing left to give him/her now, is it fair? I had grand plans of bu-ing back my health with TCM, and regular exercise regime, before TTC for 3rd one... i really want to give my child the best start in life...but now...

i really hope u will not judge me here, i really do need a listening ear. have been crying last night and i think many nights to come. i have not done the procedure, but i am also worried about the procedure. can i ask u girls something? i am sure u have read up on this more than me...

1. will terminating a preg have even worse impact on health? even if i do full confinement? because terminating a natural process may harm health right?
2. does it have any link to ovarian cancers or cysts or fibroids? anyone heard of it? so happens i know of 2 persons who has terminated by choice before and both had ovarian cancer. i really dunno.
3. does everyone who has done it do it through GA?
4. Does it affect our future births?
 
Hi Whattodo,

Here is my childhood friend story, she had a "accidentally pregnancy" abt half yr ago. She is also a mother of 2. Because of health, money reasons, she went to abort the baby. Till today, she still crying and felt very regretful. I can see the abortion will haunted her for a very long time. Every time she saw a pregnant lady, she will comment that "what if...., if..."

Please discuss with a gynea before making any decision.

Take care
 
hi jenny, thanks for listening and replying. May I ask if your friend get back her health after the procedure? this preg for me really quite bad. i am gettin chills everyday and even with jacket i am very cold. i never felt this way before coz prev 2 preg my health wasn't that bad. both my confinement i did the full thing and i didn't short cut. some may say i am selfish to think about myself...but if my health is not good how can i expect my child to have good health? this will be an additional fear on top of the fear of the drug taken...
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Dear whattodo,

I can understand how you feel now. This is actually how my friend felt when she is pending whether want to take away this child or not. I dunno whether is it Pre-natal blue, my friend kept worried abt her baby, her financial issue, her relationship with her 2 elder children and how ppl see her to pregnant at late thirties. But now I can see that she is very regret and cannot forgive herself why she bear to abort her child. I really think that you need to think thrice, the process is irreverse. Even next time when you pregnant again, will not be a same bb again.
I m angry with myself too for not giving her enough advise. Sorry for being so nagging but I really hope you will give yrself another chance to consider. The process is very simple as my friend did her DnC ard 5 weeks and the next day she went to work already. I dun think she did a confinement.
 
My amnio results confirmed that lil Kate has trisomy 18. I am week 18. I'll be terminating my pregnancy this Saturday.It hurts so bad.this is after a hsg, a lapascropy, a tubal canalization and 2 cycles of ivf. I put myself through much in the past year. We were so happy when I finally got pregnant, but it has been a emotional downhill for me n my hubby since the terrible nt scan,with 1:2 odds for trisomy 13 from the 1st trimester blood test.n now the amnio has confirmed our worst fears. It hurts so bad. My heart is so broken. I am so afraid of losing it when I see kate as a stillborn this Saturday. I just want to share my story, as people do get bad news even they say that chances are so slim.
 
Kate left us on 23 April 11 after 12 hours of induced labour. She did not give me much pain during the contractions. She was 18 weeks and 5 days old. She looked so perfect and at peace and all curled up in her baby position. But she had physical signs of trisomy 18. But she will always be my perfect little angel. I know that she is free from suffering now. Our little angel in heaven is watching over us. We cremated her with her worldly possessions and photos of us and notes from us telling her how much we love her. I miss her so much.
 
Hi babykate,

How are u feeling today? I know no words can console you.Yes,all our babies are perfect in our eyes.It would be more perfect if they were kicking and screaming.Everytime i read a post in this thread,i feel sad...

You will miss her for the rest of your life.Even though I have a 9 month old now,every time i look at him,I tell him in my heart that I see his sister in him.He looks exactly like his sister.And I never fail to think every now & then: If Chloe was with us today,she'll be 3 this yr.There's always a bit of regret.

In your case,it's a no win situation.Keep the baby,and both u & the baby will suffer.Lose the baby,but this is a baby you have been waiting so long for.

I understand your agony.I had a stillbirth,I went thru' 2 failed IUIs,1 very painful uterine surgery,1 miscarraige,to finally have a healthy baby.I also did a HSG.

But u know what....tell yourself this....God is fair (and by no means am I a holy person).In my case,he made me go thru' so much,but I got nothing short of perfection.You work hard,u'll be rewarded one day.

I never quite believe my baby is the cutest thing around.Ppl always tell me,but I take it with a pinch of salt.Coz I don't know if they are telling me to console me,afterall,I've been thru' so much to have him.But 2 incidents convinced me.when we were in a lift one day,a little boy wanted to play with my son,but my son was sleeping.the little boy then told his mum,"but he's very cute" when his mum told him not to disturb my sleeping baby.

Another incident....we joined a lookalike contest and a little girl came up to us and stuck a sticker on my son's scorecard to vote for us.she then told me,"he's very cute".

So babykate...see....God is fair....your next kid will be well loved,coz of the circumstances you had him/her.and he/she will be the most perfect baby.

you will move on in time to come,though u will never forget baby kate.and there's nothing wrong with keeping kate in ur heart forever,coz she's always your daughter.it took me 1 yr to move on.i cried everyday after the stillbirth.Never knew I had so much tears...

take care...take care of your body too.It's impt
 
Hi Monster

It is day 6 since i let Kate go. thank you for your post. i really appreciate it. yes. no words can ever console me. i sat by the window last night, looking at the only star in the sky, wondering if that is Kate looking down at me. She was blinking away. I kept talking to the sky. I kept telling Kate how much Mummy miss her.

i spend every waking moment crying. i don't know if God will forgive me for I have sinned. I took Kate's life away. I didn't had the courage to let her fight for her life. I feel so broken. I don't know if God will ever give me another child for my sin.

I have been doing a journal on Kate's life. journalling her every step from ivf. It feels like it was yesterday when I still had her belly in my belly. Her heart beating with mine.

I keep replaying every single moment from the time we admitted into the hospital until the day I held her ashes in my hands and let the wind blow her into the sea.

It really hurts so bad.
 
Hi babykate,

I teared on reading ur post.This was exactly how I felt 3 yrs ago.No words could console me.I cry ever waking moment.It was fortunate I discovered this forum and spelling my thoughts out here really helped me.I couldn't talk to anyone else.My hubby refused to have another child if i didn't move on,so i hid my feelings fr him.If you can,ur hubby will be ur best support,coz the baby belongs to both of you.Both of u will be feeling the same.And only someone who has lost a child b4 can feel ur pain.

Kate will be in a better place,in heaven.I shall get my lost daughter,Chloe, to go befriend Kate.

No,u have not sinned.Don't worry.God will regconise ur hard work,like how he regconised mine.your ONE DAY (of having a child to call your own) will come.Just be patient.

Until today,I can replay every single moement of the tragedy in my mind.It will never be erased.I know it's more difficult for u coz urs is an IVF baby.The pain is horrible.It's like someone juz tore u apart.I had to go for a friend's kiddo's b'day party to show hubby i have moved on,otherwise he won't try again.I tell u,I put myself thru' hell.The moment I saw the kids,it felt as though a knife pierced thru' me.but there's nothing u can do but to keep trying.If u don't try,u'll never have another child.

But take time.All these have taught me what is fated is fated.it took me 9 months to conceive another child,but I lost him/her at 10wks.I have a feeling it's a boy.those times of trying were really trying! i decided to turn to TCM in addition to changing gynae.I don't know for sure if TCM helped,but it surely didn't harm.I didn't understand why I had to do confinement! THERE IS NO BABY! doesn't anyone understand that? looking back,it wasn't a bad idea doing confinement.Every birth is an insult to the body,and the body needs to heal properly b4 the body can take another pregnancy.Make sure u eat well,listen to old wives's tales,don't drink cold drinks.I totally gave up my fav green tea coz it's not supposed to be good for conceiving.

U are a strong lady.u could even hold ur girl's ashes in ur hands.We wanted to pretend nothing of these had happened,treat it like a m/c (well,in essence,it is a m/c,juz that it's a late m/c and the only way to remove the baby is to give birth to her).We let the hospital cremate her.Till today,i don't know if it is a good idea.

baby kate,there's a silver lining in every cloud.At least u knew what happened to kate and if u know what happened,there's a solution.For me,there as no answer.so my subsequent pregnancies were filled with fear.Even my gynae feared,coz she didn't know what went wrong the 1st time.there was no solution.

Babykate,may I ask why u needed IVF? I tried so hard the 2nd time,we contemplated IVF.I was in a hurry to conceive again,so i did IUI twice.See,what is not urs will never be urs.I never succeeded with IUIs.Our next step was IVF.but I was so drugged up with all the hormone jabs,I decided to take a break.I was also mentally exhausted.U know,when i say take a break,and it's ovulation period,i still tried.bugger,right? In my mind,I knew each mth= 1 chance.And I will not give up that chance.I did get preg naturally.

Babykate,have u heard of the book called "Farewell my darling" or "Farewell my baby".I can't rem the exact name.KKH gave it to me after the stillbirth.It's a nice book to read,u feel u're not alone.I think there's an online version.If u can't find it,I can lend it to u.

cry all u want,don't let anyone stop u fr doing that.everyone told me I had to be strong.how to be strong when my baby died in me? I couldn't cry in front of ppl,not even my hubby.But i cried silently every night during confinement.but be consoled,there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.Everything happens for a reason.u may not know the reason now,but eventually,everything will fall into place.

take care
 
Hi Monster

Thank you for asking Chloe to befriend Kate. I will also tell Kate to look for Chloe and I pray that the 2 of them could hold hands and play together on pavements of gold with God.

I am doing a scaled down confinement. Most days are vinegar pig trotters, some days there are soup. I cook my own red date longan drink everyday. take yomeishu. bathed after day 5. couldn't take it anymore. especially so since the weather is so hot. but have been bathing with chinese herbs.

i knew at the start i wanted to cremate Kate. I wanted to keep her at Mandai. But my hubby did not want to. he know I will never move on if I kept Kate at Mandai as it will be a constant physical reminder.

But I am glad to be doing the journal on Kate's life. i read it every day. i look at her photos every day. i feel at peace when i am reading her journal.

My hubby has been very supportive throughout this ordeal. He comes home everyday to keep me company for lunch. He comforts me when I cry. He never left me since the day we got the amnio results. He was with me every step. I am grateful for having him.

I need IVF because my fallopian tubes are blocked. I had a recanalization done at SGH last year. But the doctors said that the tubes were not regular and are likely to become blocked again, hence chances of me conceiving naturally is low. They told me to go back to IVF after trying for 3 months, which is when Kate became our little one after the 2nd IVF.

I have read Farewell My CHild. It is on http://www.cbss.sg/Farewell_My_Child.pdf. One of the stories in there is about Baby Grace, who had trisomy 18. Her parents were much stronger. They carried Baby Grace to term.

Thank you Monster for posting your messages. I really appreciate it. I do not have any friends who can truly understand what I am going through and I am glad to have found this support channel online.
 
Babykate, I had a mid term miscarriage last yr on 14 April. My girl died inside my womb. I knew at 20 wks. I hv to deliver her too. Baptized her & placed her ashes in a niche. I hv not visited her since cny.. I will still cry when I visit her niche. Is very painful, I got pregnant at 1st ivf fresh cycle. We hv unexplained infertility. Maybe coz I marry late... Even Dr does not know y she passed on. The kayotyping test on her plancenta turned out normal. So, that means she was normal!

I did natural FET in aug. Pregnant again but miscarried at 6 weeks. Hcg was very high & I had morning sickness. But my sac is empty.... Here I m without any more embyros n hv to start all over again.. N I am already 38....

Every miscarriage I went through upset my hormones. I hv bleeding issues n cysts that suddenly appear! I hv to let hormones go bk to normal by patiently waiting a few mths after d/c.. Those mths r really hard to pass by, coupled with the loss.

So, u r not alone! Hang on & try again after u recover. Dun give up! I believe as long ad we r determined to hv a child we will be rewarded eventually! Take care!
 
I am really glad to have found this thread. Only people like us can understand what each of us is going through. My husband and I went out to watch a movie tonight. My mind was just full of Kate. I teared so many times. But at least it was in darkness and my hubby didn't know about it.

I got myself a Tiffany pendant with the letter "K" and engraved " in loving memory of Kate" and a baby angel charm. I will wear that everyday. If people ask me what does "K" stands for, I will proudly say "K" is for Kate, my baby angel in heaven. I will not shy from telling people about Kate for she is my daughter, my firstborn child. I want people to know Kate.
 
Hi Hazel

thank you for your message.

at the back of my mind, i know i need to hang on and not let life bring me down. it is hard to move on emotionally.

but i know one day both you an I will beat fate and we will give our first born a younger sibling to watch over.
 
Babykate, yes! Our daughters will bless us in heaven! They know how much we love them & don't want her to suffer. Be brave for this difficult time. The pain will never go away but you will be a stronger person. Take care!
 
Hi babykate,

How are u feeling today? U can't be more right when u said,"Only people like us can understand what each of us is going through".

We are here for u.You don't need to attempt to pretend this baby kate never existed and forget her.But u must move on in time to come,and u will move on.U must have confidence in this.

U know,thru'out my ordeal,no one told me it's okie to cry.U have to cry.Losing a child is the most painful thing,and I can attest to that,coz 3 yrs on,though I have a child now,I still cry for Chloe.

Tell Kate to look out for Chloe.She has lots of hair,big eyes,and is quite tan.

I don't know if keeping KAte at Mandai is a good or bad idea.If it was me,I would have considered keeping her.sometimes,I think I'm such a coward.I juz told myself to treat it as a m/c (like an early loss,where the doc removes the foetus).

Like u,I have sometime to remind myself of Chloe.I bought an alphabet train set with the letters A(hubby's name),B(my name),and C(Chloe).it stands as a display,but it's something to remember her by.Strange as it may sound,a while back,when i bought a toy for my son,a free gift was a small angel statue.That may be Chloe's way of saying hi to us.the statue is also on display.

We decided not to bring the camera to the hospital to take pics,coz it was too painful.BAD IDEA.I subcumbed in the end.Hubby used his HP to take pics,and when the nurse asked if we wanted a pic of Chloe,I immediately said yes.Hubby threatened to delete chloe's pics coz he said if i looked at them,i wouldn't be able to move on.

in some sense,I was pushed by everyone to move on.but it took me a LONG LONG time to do so.do it in ur own time,don't hurry.

i avoided kiddo's b'day parties,1st mth party etc.i gave no excuses,I just said i won't be going when my mum asked.but to hubby's it's a different story.i was eager to try again (who wouldn't be!),and he refused to try again if i haven't moved on.So if there was any work related courses on those party days,i'll sign up for them and make it an excuse.

well,of course hubby wasn't so stupid to buy that.in the end,i just told him i'll protect myself 1st,i don't really care if i have offended those ppl who's kid's party i failed to attend.

you have just been thru' the most painful time in ur life,don't care abt what others say.just protect urself.

my circle of friends have changed.I no longer hang out with ppl who are insentivite towards my needs.hubby's friends passed really really insentivite comments.those ppl who i hang out with feels my pain (well,of course,for the longest time,it was written all over my face!),and can understand how I protect my baby so much now.

And yes,there's no reason why ppl shouldn't know abt KAte.she's ur daughter,and will always be.my mum tends to pretend/avoid topics on chloe.but i just mention her name in front of my mum.I acknowledge chloe's presence once upon a time.she will always be my daughter.

I always say I have 3 kids.2 in heaven,1 in my arms.
 
Hi monster

Thank you for your post. My hubby brought me out shopping over the weekend. All I saw was tons of pregnant women and babies everywhere. My heart kept sinking. I was still pregnant one week ago with Kate and now I am not. I have a colleague at work who is due two weeks earlier than me. I don't know how to treat her when I return to work later. This colleague's pregnancy caught all of us by surprise. Whereas mine is planned due to ivf. My bosses all knew how hard I have been trying. When she told us she was pregnant, and she just got married some months ago, I felt jealous at the back of my mind. It seemed so effortless for her. And now, my baby angel is in heaven. I wonder how I will face her later.

My hubby knows I will avoid any baby events from now on. He knows I am a very emotional person. I don't think he will push me to move on. Because he can see that I am moving on in small steps. I am starting to resume some of my usual chores.

I have been reading kate's journal very frequently, and I feel so at peace when I read her journal. I like reliving every single moment.

I talk to kate before I sleep.I ask Kate to come to my dreams and sleep with me.
 
Hi babykate,

well done! u're taking baby steps already.that's fantastic.time will heal,u will move on in time,though i say i have moved on,but i'll never forget.

yes yes yes! when i lost chloe,everyone else around me was preg.i see preg ladies everywhere! And that pain & envy,and longing is undescribable.

well,just face ur collegue as u will as normal.i think it's more difficult for ppl to think how to face u (coz they don't know what to say) than vice versa.I talked abt my loss openly with my collegues and we discuss stuff.the empathy was helpful in moving on.

at least ur collegue is married.My collegue had a shot gun wedding! As though it's so easy to get preg!!!!

if i ever have a chance to meet up with u,i'll love for u to share kate's journal and let me have a look at how pretty she is.then only can i describe to chloe how to find kate in heaven....

take care
 
Hi Babykate

My heart goes out with u. I had to terminate my pregnancy @ 19weeks due to no heart beat. My boy also my first born son Joash left us on 1st march 2010. Like u I went thru labour and delivered him. He was so perfect, small, precious and look peaceful. One thing I regreted is not bringing him back and do my own burial. The hospital took care of it and i pay them a fee for cremation.

I really cried and cried so much... even as I type this tears just flow. I was diagnose with a condition called APS and for every pregnancy I have to be on aspirin and jab myself daily with blood thinning agent.

I was found pregnant again in May 2010 and now I a proud mother of my 4 mth old girl despite gg thru a difficult preggy. So dun lose heart.

Take care, God bless
 
Hi Mitch

thank you for your post. I will hang in there. No matter how many IVFs I have to go through. It is in Kate's journal that Kate wants us to move on and give her younger brothers and sisters to watch over and she will protect them from above.

Your baby girl has her big brother protecting her from above.
 
Hi I had been thru mtpt recently too. Just wanna ask if anyone experience soreness and tenderness in the lower abdomen after that? If I press it hurts and I get a bruised feeling when I get up and down.

Sorry it may seem selfish of me to be asking qn abt myself when so many mummies are grieving for their lost babies. But pls take care of ur own body too. Then at least we have chances to ttc again... Thanks in advance.
 
wan chuen, sorry to hear about your loss. i hope you are feeling better today.

i did not experience any soreness or tenderness in my lower abdomen after my pregnancy termination. you might want to check with your gynae on what is causing the soreness.
 
Hi babykate:

Thanks for ur reply. I am going to my gynae next week, it's the earliest appt I can get. Thanks so much for replying despite ur own grieving. You have been thru so much I really feel sad for you. Pls take care, give yourself time to recover slowly. Hugs for you dear.
 
hi all
found this thread thanks to babykate
erm where to start.. just found out i cannot keep my baby of 14 weeks...
shocked when i found out during the scan, immediately scheduled for 2nd opinion, juz to have worst fears cfm
very sad, never thot that i would ever ever undergo an abortion...
plus we had been trying quite a while before we managed to conceive.
coz of this and maybe age also, now very hesitant to even consider trying again
yet to schedule an appt for the abortion; but gynae recommend vacuum aspiration
anyone went thru this procedure? can i know what its like?
 
Sadsad, sorry can't help u with your question as I didn't do vacuum aspiration. U are already 14w, still can do that?

I empathize with you, coz our situation were somewhat similar, my baby was found to be abnormal. Pls take care of yourself no matter what.
 
hi jetudes, so sad to hear about ur loss too. i guess maybe is age related ba.

i had my abortin done on thursday, this morning i find myself lactating on my right...anyone else encounter this??
 
Sadsad: how are u feeling now? Are u doing confinement? Hope u can move on soon.

Yah I did experience some engorgement on both my breasts. Lasted about 2 weeks. The nurse offered me med to stop the milk production but I didn't take it. Coz I had a pump at home so I just pumped enough out to ease the engorgement. Or else u can try cold cabbage.
 
Sadsad and wan chuen, I hope you both are feeling better...I Had engorgement on both breasts too. But lasted about one week. My gynae gave me a prescription to buy meds from pharmacy, but I chose to let the engorgement go away naturally. My gynae also said to put cold cabbage but I didn't try that, so I can't tell if that works.
 
Lost my girl at 32 weeks on 10 May 2011. Her EDD is coming up soon, just next week and I find myself thinking 'What if ..', 'If only ..'. Same thing when I see pregnant women and there seems to be so many around these days.

Just the day after I lost Maia, I received a text from a friend announcing the birth of her 3rd child. Really felt like flinging my phone across the room.

Two months down the road, I'm glad to say I have more or less gotten back my normal life. Although there are times when I break down for no apparent reason, I'm glad that I'm able to smile and laugh again. Unthinkable, it may seem to some. But God will not give us a burden that we can't bear. And we need to come out of this situation as a stronger person than before.

I can't wait to try again, to have another baby .. but am kind of worried that it will be hard to conceive again. Also worried that it might happen again.

Have been contemplating of going for TCM to 'bu' the body. Is it recommended? Maybe the sinseh could give me some insight as to what happened and why.
 
Till today, I really regret not carrying my baby when I had the chance to. She was whisked away before I could even change my mind .. in a cardboard box .. yes the thought is apalling.

They had placed my baby in a cardboard box to bring to my room and put her back in a cardboard box before bringing her away. WHY?? The excuse they gave was that there are other people around .. but did they give any thought to me, the mother of that dead baby?
 
Dear ML

I am so sorry about your loss. yes, it really sucks to see pregnant women around. like you said, we all come out stronger. I too, am just past 2 months post-loss. I still cry everyday, as I talk to Kate every night before I close my eyes and sleep.

Is your baby girl's name Maia? I'm sure she knows in her heart that you carrying her everyday in your heart and in your arms.

I started seeing the sinseh recommended by Monster. Not sure if it helps in my case, as I have blocked fallopian tubes, but I am just doing whatever I can and eating whatever I can, to try to 'tiao' my body for my FET in Sept.

I found these quotes from a website:

The truth isn't: that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is: that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

The truth ISN'T: that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS: that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.
 
hi all
can i check when did your cycle return to normal?
My period is 5 days late and I was sooo very hopeful of a positive HPT but sorely disappointed. I tested once this morning and the day my period was late.
I went to read up online and found out my cycle is screwed up by the process. I feel so sad now. i really hoped i was pregnant again
sad.gif
 
Hi sadsad,

Mine returned 2 months after.

And guess what, when I told my gynae that I had gone to see a sinseh last year to help with conception and that the sinseh told me that I had PCOS (Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome), she asked me to come in to do a blood test on the 2nd day of my period. Low and behold, the results were negative. Now I'm wondering if the chinese meds I took before conception had any part to play.

By the way, anyone here has Protein S Deficiency?
 
hi mummies.. guess i'll be joining u all shortly.. took oscar on mon, 8 aug.. results very bad as tmc dun even wan to test my blood.. 10.5mm NT.. evening went to gynae.. he suggested further tests & schedule me for cvs.. tues, 9 aug npd.. 1 day wait hepled me to find a 2nd opinion.. to see dr ananda at camden medical for detailed scanning.. wed, 10 aug dr ananda squeezed me in for 2pm appt.. at ard 3plus, was given e final verdict.. bb having cystic hygroma -> bb very bloated w fluid all over her body & having heart failure.. she's only at her 12th week.. will be arranging for termination tmr.. cuz 100% tat she can't make it..
sad.gif
 
Dear Claramimi

I hope you are resting well at home now. No amount of words will take away the emotions that you are going through now. I know these are difficult days but I hope you will find some sense of peace with things in time to come.
 
babykate: thank you.. met w gynae who does termination on thu.. opted for induced labour so bb can come out in 1pc.. gynae arranged me to chk in at tmc on mon.. but after calling cousin who's very religious, we might not proceed.. cuz if we terminate = killing her, she'll go to hell.. but if its a miscarriage = fulfill her destiny, she'll go into e next phase = reborn.. we're still in dilemma.. we hope tat whatever decision we make will be e best for her..
 
Dear Claramimi

Yes, whichever decision you make for your little girl, it will be the best for her.

I took the heartbreaking decision of going through induced labour and my Kate was delivered as a little little baby at 18 weeks. I did not have the courage to carry Kate as far into term. I didn't had the courage to live in apprehension everyday, knowing that Kate's heart may stop beating any time. I didn't had the courage to let Kate fight for her life if I had manage to carry her to term and fight for maybe a few hours or a few days of life with us.

I keep telling myself, that my decision allowed my little girl not to struggle to grow inside of me.

But I believe that Kate is happy in heaven. God is kind and will keep our baby angels happy and healthy in heaven.
 
babykate: if she's my first one, i'll sure be as devastated if not worst than u.. i found courage in my elder daughter.. everyday fm now on, i'll also be saying prayers for bb so to help her accumulate credits b4 her heart fails her.. maybe this will also help me console myself tat i've already done my best to help her go on..
i'm sure bb kate understands how u went thro' her last days w her.. she knows mummy loves her..
 


hi all
i'm wondering do u ladies go back to your same gynea after the op?
altho i know not the gynea fault but sometimes i wonder if i can face her again
sad.gif
 
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