SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting
June 2024
Repairing Relationships with 5 Apology Languages
Trust, a crucial cornerstone in every relationship, is fragile. From friendships to marriage and parent-child interactions, what can we do to reconcile an important relationship when trust is lost? Also, what are the five apology languages and what is their role in repairing relationships?
Coming from a family where elders rarely admitted they were at fault meant that my husband would make light of an issue and move on without addressing the emotional impact of specific incidents. That chipped away at our relationship because not settling small issues meant they accumulated, leading to resentment and distrust.
While he is more open to acknowledging when he hurts or invalidates another now, an apology goes beyond saying “sorry”.
(See also: HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN RESPECT)
Gary Chapman, bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages series, goes on to discuss five apology languages. So let’s take a look at which of the apology languages you most identify with.
#1 – Expressing Regret
“If someone spills boiling soup on me, then sends me to hospital, and pays for my bills, but doesn’t acknowledge it’s their fault, I’d feel they’re just going through the motions,” says my brother. For him, hearing the words “I’m sorry” is a critical admission and the gateway to reconciliation.
Yet, words do little to repair the relationship for me. I need to know that the person realises the impact of their actions and accepts full responsibility for the distress they caused.
#2 – Accepting Responsibility
This might lead to #3 – Making Restitution or #4 – Planning Change, yet not necessarily. The moment I experience the person consciously owning up to the part they played, instead of shrinking back, is when I begin to restore faith in the other person.
When caught in a love scam, my husband defended his actions by saying that he knew it was a scam, but he wanted investment advice so he played along with the daily banter. His stubborn insistence that he had done no wrong left me questioning our difference in values.
What cut deeper than a divergence of beliefs was his indifference to how some remarks made me feel sad. Instead of taking responsibility for causing me hurt and upset, his flippant attitude and nonchalant “stop making a big deal out of this” is what chipped away at my eroding trust.
(See also: “I’M A YOUNG MUM, SMART AND SAVVY, BUT I FELL FOR A SCAM!”)
#3 – Making Restitution
Taking actions to correct the situation finds a way to go beyond words or simply understanding where damage is caused. The heart of restitution looks at how to right the wrong. It takes into consideration the hurt they caused, whether intentional or unintentional.
Making restitution commonly looks at monetary compensation or compensation in kind. But in this case, it could take the form of having multiple in-depth discussions about expectations in a marriage. Get to know each other’s boundaries for social interactions, both online and offline.
#4 – Planning Change
The fourth apology language requires a change of behaviour. Beyond acknowledgements and not making excuses, make specific plans for change. Initiative and a proactive attitude indicate a maturity that goes beyond lip service.
Assuming you then do your best to carry it through, of course. Engaging in positive new actions doesn’t only begin to repair trust, but also lead to a tighter union.
#5 – Seeking Forgiveness
Some people need their own space to process their hurts before they are able to forgive. This apology language allows them the time they need, instead of concluding the matter is resolved over a sincere verbal apology, a responsible admission, a relevant act of compensation, or a resolute behavioural shift.
It also returns power back to the wronged, without demanding immediate forgiveness. Rather than assuming everything is back to what they used to be, it says “I’ll wait, till you are ready.”
Understanding the five apology languages provides a structure both parties can work within. Yet the true challenge is in implementing a successful reconciliation.
(See also: THE DAY MY SON CRIED, “I DON’T WANT MUMMY!”)
Reconciliation starts with Completion
Being ‘complete’ means to do or say whatever there is for you, until there is no emotional charge left.
In a relationship, is there still an apology missing, a new promise to make, or any other amends? Today’s busy schedule rarely affords us the luxury of openly sharing, so we tend to ‘keep it in’.
Well, that’s the start of incompletions. Not telling my daughter how her snide remark hurt me. Leaving a question hanging because I didn’t want to risk hearing the answer.
Any unhealthy relationship is always marked by multiple incompletions. But these past hurts and unresolved issues are swept under the rug to never be forgotten.
Notice how young children freely express their opinions without reservation, while adults’ answers tend to be politically correct? The incongruence between how we feel and what we say (or not say) leads to a build-up of emotions. We end up holding it against the other person who may not even realise it!
That emotional distance, watching what I say or do in front of this person, and withholding certain information, are all symptoms of an emotional disconnection. Human beings naturally desire intimacy, but fear, shame, and guilt hold us back from being honest with one another. The root of this conditioning mostly stems from our childhood.
Parents, Here’s Your Chance to Break the Cycle
Many of us grew up under the ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ regime. But punishments out of proportion to little mischiefs only instils fear, not discipline. Children hide things from parents because they do not feel safe to disclose the truth. They may be trying to not disappoint us, avoid a scolding, or simply not be in a situation where they have to explain themselves.
So when I catch my children lying (including white lies), hiding, and avoiding questions, it is time for me to check my attitude towards them. Have I knowingly or unknowingly communicated that their truth is not safe with me? How can I communicate that regardless of differences in opinions, my kids will always be safe with me?
(See also: WHEN CHILDREN SAY “I DUNNO” / “I DON’T KNOW”)
Make it a practice to initiate conversations where you just listen to grievances without sharing your own opinions or suggestions. Because that goes a long way in validating feelings and repairing trust. Listening without putting your point across communicates that you identify with them on their experiences.
But what if your tween/teenager is no longer sharing with you?
Every child wants to connect with their parents even if the relationship is now strained. A teenager who ran away from home told me she may consider forgiving her father if he said sorry. “But that will never happen,” she concluded.
Her conclusion is completely valid because it comes from years of observing his constantly belligerent behaviour. So, when parents moan about tense relationships with their kids, I challenge them to take responsibility for that emotional distance.
Repairing Relationships Takes Time
Estranged relationships do not happen overnight; the further the distance, the more the incompletions or inflicted hurts, intentional or not. The child’s ‘flight’ or withdrawal is their only defence against the parent. Other kids may choose the ‘fight’ or aggressive/rebellious mode, all in an attempt to protect themselves.
Yet some parents impatiently expect a simple “I’m sorry” to move their child. But that doesn’t take into account the compound effect of the emotional pain they caused.
Assuming responsibility means the parent starts to genuinely show interest in their kid’s life without expecting respect or demanding compliance. Support their choices meaningfully and wait for them to offer forgiveness. Remember that restitutions and changed actions are observed over a considerable amount of time.
Likewise, part of building up trust after a cheating episode could mean allowing your mobile phone to be checked, more frequent and open conversations, or waiting until your partner is ready to forgive (or not). Remember to explore each other’s apology languages!
(See also: LEARN ABOUT THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES AND GIFT MUM AN EXPERIENTIAL MOTHER’S DAY)
So, regardless of the current state of your relationships, what do you want to create more of moving forward? Is it superficial harmony or brutal honesty? Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone for growth or is keeping up with appearances more important?
Building a family culture of trust and openness takes time and effort, but the depths of connections are delightfully fulfilling.
Featured image: freepik
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