Wife's affair - need advise

[Miloh_14]

Hi friends

I need advise for the following:

I discover my wife is having either an affair or friend(s) with benefits. I happened to log in to her old phone out of curiosity, looking for old photos of ours. I tried using my number to log in to her WhatsApp and WC and to my shock, there was a thread of chats with a guy whom constantly text her even till now. Their chat started in Feb?March 2018, or even earlier in 2017.

I ever ask her about this guy before and she said its her sec sch friend, the tone she replied was angry one, which she usually did to me when I ask her things. I believe they knew each other from either 1) Social App, 2) Her customer.

They started off by chat normal things, very intense from morning til even 3,4am most of the time. Then the content of the text involve sharing sex videos and perhaps photos which was deleted (I know becos the text asked for sending sexy and naked photos). I have a chunk of their text exported to my email, with also screenshot of the photos. They also shared about their encounters or meet up with other chat friends which I do not know in detail except this guy whom is a professional.

I must admit that I ever chatted for a year in those apps and being caught by her before, that was 3 years back, in early 2016. The chats do involve some adult content. I never met any. Also, the latest chat I had was Dec 2018 (chatted a week), and she caught me too. All these I am fully sorry and would repent. Of course she is in anger and furious about my act, and reprimanded me badly.

Relationship was never good after the first incident, and in fact its worsen despite me trying to put as much effort. I keep reminding myself she and family is important and I will cherish it. When we had quarrels, she sometimes will think of the bad I did, and that makes everyone in tense position. She says she can never accept such behaviour even chatting with girls. She consider them "cheap" (sorry to put this bluntly).

I would think now that from 2017, the start of her chats, she is putting a double standard on me and others while she is also seeing people (I have the evidence).

Please advise what I should do.

Now, what I intend to do is:
1) To talk to her (when and the timing? She is not in town currently)
2) To seek lawyer (to prepare for the worse, becos her heart is no longer with me since then and even more in the year 2018 and beyond, and she had mentioned divorce)
3) To engage PI (to gather more concrete evident)
4) To engage the other party's spouse, the purpose is to alert her that our families are not in good health (when I was caught, she will call and harass the other party, I'm not going to harass)

For me, I would still want this family if she is willing to return and cut off all these unconditionally. We have 2 kids of 4&6, and I do not want them to suffer due to our mishap.

Please let me have your unbiased and neutral thoughts and advise for me to consider. I am feeling very sad, cried, broken, and my mind have been thinking a lot and I can understand her feeling now when she caught me. Many sleepless nights now and couldn't eat. Sigh...

Thank you.

 

[Stansy]

Hi friends

I need advise for the following:

I discover my wife is having either an affair or friend(s) with benefits. I happened to log in to her old phone out of curiosity, looking for old photos of ours. I tried using my number to log in to her WhatsApp and WC and to my shock, there was a thread of chats with a guy whom constantly text her even till now. Their chat started in Feb?March 2018, or even earlier in 2017.

I ever ask her about this guy before and she said its her sec sch friend, the tone she replied was angry one, which she usually did to me when I ask her things. I believe they knew each other from either 1) Social App, 2) Her customer.

They started off by chat normal things, very intense from morning til even 3,4am most of the time. Then the content of the text involve sharing sex videos and perhaps photos which was deleted (I know becos the text asked for sending sexy and naked photos). I have a chunk of their text exported to my email, with also screenshot of the photos. They also shared about their encounters or meet up with other chat friends which I do not know in detail except this guy whom is a professional.

I must admit that I ever chatted for a year in those apps and being caught by her before, that was 3 years back, in early 2016. The chats do involve some adult content. I never met any. Also, the latest chat I had was Dec 2018 (chatted a week), and she caught me too. All these I am fully sorry and would repent. Of course she is in anger and furious about my act, and reprimanded me badly.

Relationship was never good after the first incident, and in fact its worsen despite me trying to put as much effort. I keep reminding myself she and family is important and I will cherish it. When we had quarrels, she sometimes will think of the bad I did, and that makes everyone in tense position. She says she can never accept such behaviour even chatting with girls. She consider them "cheap" (sorry to put this bluntly).

I would think now that from 2017, the start of her chats, she is putting a double standard on me and others while she is also seeing people (I have the evidence).

Please advise what I should do.

Now, what I intend to do is:
1) To talk to her (when and the timing? She is not in town currently)
2) To seek lawyer (to prepare for the worse, becos her heart is no longer with me since then and even more in the year 2018 and beyond, and she had mentioned divorce)
3) To engage PI (to gather more concrete evident)
4) To engage the other party's spouse, the purpose is to alert her that our families are not in good health (when I was caught, she will call and harass the other party, I'm not going to harass)

For me, I would still want this family if she is willing to return and cut off all these unconditionally. We have 2 kids of 4&6, and I do not want them to suffer due to our mishap.

Please let me have your unbiased and neutral thoughts and advise for me to consider. I am feeling very sad, cried, broken, and my mind have been thinking a lot and I can understand her feeling now when she caught me. Many sleepless nights now and couldn't eat. Sigh...

Thank you.

It seems tt she’s taking revenge or being curious of what wrong u had done then hence unfortunately she gets hook on to it.

Miloh_14, there’s not such thing like when & good timing - dun procrastinate do have HTH with her when she’s back for the sake of your marriage and family

Good luck! Jia you!

 

[margret]

before u do anything, find out is she with that man.
don't let her know what u know.

If really u thinking of divorce u need to get strong evidence so she can't contest.

 

[JL8118]

Yes. Gather more info and evidence first. Once have it, have a talk with your wife, and if needed, show her the proof you have gather.
Can only see how it will go after such

 

[Miloh_14]

Hi all,

yes the evidence is very strong.. from both WhatsApp and wc，describing their act (post feedback) and the venue.. but can it be presented as I was given the impression must caught red handed (抓奸在床）。。

 

[Fated]

it depend how long was the evidence and how u log into her chat.

 

[Miloh_14]

it depend how long was the evidence and how u log into her chat.

I just discover and retrieved the chat (expoted out) these few days.. I even recorded the method I log into the chat. Is it sufficient?

Also, if PI is needed, any recommendation and what will be a ballpark cost like?

 

[margret]

how u have the password. also is there any number reflected on the chat.

 

[Mongkok]

Marriage life isn't about revenge. If u truly wants back the marriage, u should focus building a healthy relationship w her rather than on fault finding.

As read, its seems like u toasted once and u regard yourself redeemed as you have repented. Now her turn and you engage PI, export all her chat history etc...

She done that to you, you did it on her...

Basically, there isn't any love in this marriage, anymore.. she may b ok if u know abt it and ask for DV.

If u want this marriage, save it where it breaks. Not bite where it hurts.

Talk to her. tel her u truly repent w action. Focus on building up the relationship, not winning in a relationship.

 

[DonLee]

I suggest you find out more proof first.
With wechat/whatsapp, can only show she have intimacy chat with others.
But doesn't mean she had affair yet (as in bed with that person?)
Same like what you did. You only 'chat' with other woman, but doesn't prove that you in bed with those woman.
Which is why probably at that point of time, she did not want a divorce.
So right now may be the similar as well.

Have a good talk with her, and also see what you both want. Do you both want to save this marriage? Or to give up and go separate way.

 

[xaviers_mummy]

Dear Miloh_14,

I am sorry to hear about your encounter.
If you are still in a dilemma about what to do, pls ask yourself honestly if you still deeply love your wife.
If yes, can you fully accept the "forbidden" things that could have been done in her possible affair with the other guy?

I know the second question is not easy to face/answer. But if it is an ultimate and firm yes, then you will need to find a good time to sit down and talk to her. Tell her of your suspicions/findings in brief. Let her know that no matter what she has done, you are willing to accept and let it go and never to mention it again. (And do not ask for her for details about the things she have done with the other guy)

At the same time, you also need to give her time to think about how willing she is, to let go of the affair that might have taken place. She needs to clearly know what she wants. Otherwise, she will not be able to have a clean break from the other guy.
Needing time to consider doesn't mean she doesn't treasure you or the family. She could still be in shock state that the affair is exposed and need some time to clear her mind.

If there is a an opportunity, do ask her gently what it is that you have not done properly that lead to the current state of things. Most women decide to seek solace from other guys are usually due to the emotional support that they cannot get from their spouse over time.
Do not underestimate the importance of celebrating important occasions, the occasional surprises, the expression of love, care and feelings, constantly being there for your spouse even for small matters, and helping your spouse out when she is busy. When these are fulfilled, it is near to impossible for a 3rd party to come between the relationship.

The above are my personal thoughts as a woman and wife
Hope it helps.