Support Group - Stillbirths

I don't know if this has been posted in this thread before, but I saw it today in the miscarriages thread and thought that I'd share it here. It made me cry, but at the same time made me feel much better.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, " What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many woman babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Unitl your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

~Author Unknown
 


Ya,exactly.
I bought myself a pinky ring with his name engrave inside.
It feels as though he is still with me.
And I teach my elder boy that he has a younger bro name Donte,EnYu up in heaven.
When you ask him where is Didi now,he will tell you "Didi is in heaven."
I would still tell my future child(ren),they have a elder brother who left us too soon,up in heaven now.
I dun wan anyone to forget him,which I know ppl would forget him.

To many,they are just gone.
They are not even humans,
but to us,angel babies are children.
A human that pass away too soon.

Wish ppl would talk to me more about Donte.
It makes me feel less hurt.
At least ppl rmbs him.
But for now,I still feel to others,he doesnt even exist.

We are mothers,no matter if our children are with us anot.
My own quote:
"A day as my child,Forever my child"
 
Totally agree with you gals...

I dream the day that i had my 2nd baby, and when i deliever and held my 2nd bb in my arms the 1st time i gonna tell my bb is, thank him/her for staying till full termm.

2nd is tat he/she had a big brother names Castiel Tan Lele..

Yup.. i intend to tell all my kids tat they have a brother before them... and never deny the presence of my boy... =)
 
Words cannot describe the pain we'd been through.... Here's a dedication for you gals. Hope it'll ease your heart somehow.

Precious Child

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Though it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever, in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Though it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever, in my heart

God knows I want to hold you, see you, touch you
And maybe there is heavens
And someday I will again
Please know you're not forgotten, Until then

In my heart, you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Though it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever, in my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo
 
Dear mummies,

So touched with all these quotes! It somehow gives us comfort that our angel has left us for a reason and they are at a more beautiful place than earth.

Angeline,

Congrats! Pay more attention during the last trimester.
I went through stressful times during the last lapse. You need to monitor for baby movements often.
There are days when they abit restless and you will start panicking esp people around you start asking 'Did the baby move today?"
My gynae put me through a lot of blood test after the stillborn and everything was fine. I went through the Protein S test during my pregnancy and took the medicine to thin the blood. I sent my gal for autopsy because i wanted to find out what happened. The hole in her heart closed when she is still in the womb which restrict the blood flow. For normal baby, the hole only closed after they are born. Maybe it is fated. Sometimes i will blame myself , why do i allow myself to shift workstation in office (Pantang).

Baby_lang/ Ranice,
Baby_lang , How's your day at office today? It's your first day back right? Initially i am also afraid to go back, thinking how will people look at me. Will they pity me or pretend that nothing happened. But i told myself that I should not be afraid for people to talk about this baby as we parents should acknowledge that they are still our child after all. Why should we hide the fact. When people bring up initially, I still cry but who cares.
 
Enjel: Thank you for remembering and checking in on me. I haven't gone back to work yet. Going back next Friday. I have a very understanding gyne who extended my hospitalization leave by 2 weeks; I would have been a wreck at work if I'd gone back after just the initial 2 weeks leave.

I'm beginning to feel that life can go on and accepting of the fact that he is gone. I comfort myself by thinking that at least he gave us 4 months of happiness while I was carrying him; we were really very happy during that time.

I think I'll be more at peace after next week when his urn is placed in the niche.

Ranice: How was your gyne visit today? I'm hoping it went well and you received good news!
 
Baby_lang,
Today's visit was fine.My heart almost stop when e sonographer has a hard time "searching" for e baby.
My heart almost stop again when I din see e heartbeat.

Thank goodness,everything turn out fine today.
& I'm almost 8weeks now.

My HL was extended for two months.
I probably wouldn't b handling e situation as well as I'm doing now if I were to go bk to work after just a few weeks of HL.

I cried today,tinking tt today would might have been my last check up before delivering Donte or he might have already be born.:'(

Just three more days to his EDD.
Took leave on Monday just to remind tt special day for him.
Supervisor ask mi if I can take just half a day,I told her no.
I tink she also realised tt day meant a lot to mi.

How much I wish I could cuddle him on Monday.:'(

How much I wish I can have a place for Donte,so I can burn him toys,food,sweets...
 
Ranice: I'm so happy for you that everything turned out so well at the gyne visit!

I know it must be really difficult for you with Donte's EDD being so close. But he is in a happy place now and is looking out for you and his little brother or sister. You have to take care of yourself because now that you have Donte's little brother or sister to think about.

As for myself, I can't wait for my AF to come. My bleeding after the miscarriage lasted 2 weeks and stopped for 5 days. Yesterday I started spotting again and am now bleeding a bit. It doesn't seem like AF and there was a very small clump that looked like tissue. =( I'm a bit worried that there is some more tissue still inside as I didn't do a D&C. At the last visit, my gyne checked the uterus and it looked ok.

May I ask how long it took for your AF to arrive and was it a normal AF or heavier/lighter?
 
Baby_lang: the first OPK positive I tested aft I gave birth is 28 mar. Then O probably on the 30th mar.

I din strike for e previous cycle. My menses came on the 13 apr. 14 days aft I O. I thk my cycle is abt 30 days. And I thk i'll test positive for O on my CD17. O on CD19.

Today is my CD3 Liao.. Hope it end soon and I can start testing for O!! So excited!! Haaa..

Aft Ranice, I'll be the next to get tat + on the pregnancy KIT!!! LOL... I hope my positive can last long....
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Anyway, congrats Ranice.. Sticky and healthy 9 months pregnancy!!!
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Baby_lang,Thanks!

I'm just hoping tt this pregnancy will go on smoothly.
*keeping fingers crossed*

Castiel's mummy,Jia you!
I'm hoping u will b e next one to hold positive test kit!

I delivered Donte on 11Jan.
Lochia ends around two weeks?

1st AF came on 13Feb.
AF was Normal,been always having light AF.
 
Castiel's Mummy: Thanks! Fingers crossed for you to have a BFP this cycle!

Ranice: I can't tell you how happy I am for you and I wish for everything to go well for you this time!

My lochia also ended around 2 weeks (the 2nd week was just on and off bleeding and spotting), but I started spotting and bleeding again 5 days later. The bleeding is light, but red sometimes and brown sometimes, totally not like my normal AF. It's been about 4 days and I think it has stopped. Wondering if it is AF (obviously I didn't ovulate before this) and if I should just try this cycle.

I thought I was feeling better already, but this morning I received an SMS reminder from the hospital for the 22 weeks FA scan and had to call them to cancel it. All the sadness came back again. =(
 
baby_lang,
Thanks alot!
Really keeping my fingers crossed this time round.

I dont feel that is AF.
But you can still try!
HUGS!

HUGS!
Didnt they cancel e appt for you?
sad.gif
If me,I will feel sad again.
HUGS!
 
It has been almost6 myths after our gal left us at26++ weeks, when will it hurt lesser? There are some days when it's it hurts so bad that it's a physical pain :-(
 
My boy left us almost 4.5 years already.
It never really stop hurting. There are days when I missed him so much and cried badly even my chest felt the pain and tight and something heavy was placed on top.
I have accepted that I will forever felt this pain until I meet him again.........
 
Hi Sticky,

Same as you. My boys had left me almost 5.5 yrs and almost 6 mths consecutively.

The pain will never stop hurting. Just like earlier on, when I brought my eldest son for a haircut, I saw someone walking in with a baby, tears just clouded my eyes once again.

Have faith. We will meet them again. Be strong. We're all always here with you.
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Hugs sticky n Angeline, been having emo breakdowns more often nowadays. I really wonder when the pain will heal. When the time will come when the memories dun bring tears nut just a sad remembrance
 
Today marks excatly 10 weeks since my boy left me.

It was beyond devastating..

I guess the wound will nv heal.. It will just make us less hurt.. But on days I'll still cry.

The tue tat jus passed, we got back the placenta report.

I went to collect the report and the doc jus told me it is jus an accident. The cord twist.

They said it like it is such a common thing and nth big. But it hurts. Of cuz they dun feel what we feel.

Apart from the cord twisted, I guess there are also elements of placenta abruption. The report are all full of medical terms that I can't understand.

I still have 1 appt wif my Gynae to do pap smear. So I wanna bring the report and maybe get him to explain more to me.

It hurts to see my parents, hubby dad and ah am play with other kids and when anytime now I can have one in My arms. If my boy is still inside my tummy, he will be exactly 35 weeks 7 days today.

Considered full term at 36 weeks. It still hurts. I guess when the edd and birthday of our bb angels reach it hurts even more.

Ytd, I ask my 12 yr old cousin, he is like a little bro to us. Been staying with us since 6 months old. I asked him, did he know where my bb went? He replied: ya, he passed away. My heart twisted, or what. The feeling hurts. I hate to hear ppl said my boy passed away, in my heart he did not, he is jus sleeping, he's jus too tired during the labour and he is sleeping all the way.

But of cuZ i nv blame him, cuz he is too young to understand what is really happening. He said when he ask my mom whether my bb is a boy or girl, my mom told him its a boy, he is so happy cuz it's a boy.

Then he said when my mom told him when i gave birth and tat my boy is no ard any more, he said he scream in his room for abt 15 mins. I ask him y e scream and shout, he said cuz he tot he is gonna have a little brother to played with, he is very happy.. When I heard this I totally feel Like breaking down, even my little cousin is also so anticipated in my pregnancy, not to mention my parents and others. It's just so heart aching..

Later I told and explain to him why my boy is gone. He understand. He can even tell me umbilical cord. Lol.. He is really such a sweet boy. When I was doing my confinement, I did it at his place, my Gugu is doing it for me.

One day he got me a cup of hot water for no reason. Later I told my sis this and she ask him y he wanna give me water and he said, cuz he heard me coughing, thats y he get me some water.. Thats so sweet isn't it.. Lol

Jus ended my menses, today marks my CD07.. Waiting to O.. Gonna start testing on CD11.. Hope I can strike this cycle.. Hope I can O this cycle... *fingers crossed*
 
We will probably hurts a little lesser as time goes by.
Physically we might not cry but it still hurts each time ppl mention about our angel babies.

On Donte's EDD,I din cry coz i noe he wouldn't wanna see mummy cry on his special day.
deep down inside mi,it just hurts so much.
It was the first time I wish I was doing confinement with Donte around of coz.
But it is something tt will nvr ever happen.

Just today an aunt of hb's saw mi n give a comment of "mayb coz u keep carry ur elder boy,tts y (Donte was lost)." I was so mad angry deep down,I feel as though she is blaming mi for wat happen.
I nvr like her at all from e start.
Ya,I noe I need to take care of my pregnant body but don't I need to still fulfil my duty as a mom to my elder boy too?
N does she noe what happen thru out my pregnancy?No,yet she give this type of comment.

I was so pissed,yet I need to keep quiet.

Is only after things happen,ppl start to blame e mom who didn't take care her pregnant body but does they ever noe wat is really going on anot.
Every blame has to be on e mom,doesn't e dad or anyone has e responsibities too?

I rather ppl to tell mi Im not fated to have Donte as my son then telling mi wat I shouldn't have do during pregnancy!

Castiel's mummy,Hugs.
I cried after reading what you posted.
Your cousin is really sweet,dun blame him for saying LeLe has pass away.He doesn't noe.
 
mummies, I believe your angels wanted u to live well for them too, take care n they will return to you eventually.

I believe your angels will return to u eventually.

Ranice, watever tt aunt say is simply nonsense!! Just ignore. Watever now, treasure the time spent with your eldest boy. They need our attention the most.

baby_lang, it's best for u to start with a fresh cycle. Take time for your body to recover. Take care, dear.
 
babymaking, Sticky: *Hugs* to you both. Everyone around me keeps saying that we will feel better with time. I keep hoping that it is true, not because I want to forget my baby boy, but so that I can somehow function like a normal human being and not suddenly start crying in the middle of a meal or while walking on the street or in a crowd. I keep wondering what is going to happen in a few months time when everyone has expected me to have moved on and be back to "normal" and I'm still in emotional pain.

Angeline: A big hug to you. Thank you for being there for the rest of us, despite your own heart wrenching losses. I hope your pregnancy is going along well. How did the blood tests go? I was wondering if I should go for the Protein S, Protein C and anti thrombin tests before I start trying again or if it's ok to wait until we manage to conceive and then do the tests.

Castiel's Mummy: I hope you're doing better today. I don't mean to add on to your pain, please forgive me. Is it possible for the cord twisting to cause the onset of labour? I ask only because your experience sounds very similar to mine and I have NO conclusive answers on what happened in my case and I wonder if that is what happened with me too. Mine was medically classified as a miscarriage, so no testing was done on the placenta at all. All I have is a few maybes.

Today is exactly one month since our son left us. I didn't think it would be so hard, but I cried in my cubicle at work this morning.

Fingers crossed for you to have a BFP this cycle!!

Ranice: I'm sad that your aunt would make such a thoughtless remark. It is bad enough that most of us who have lost a baby tend to blame ourselves for what happened. For others to add to the wound is just terrible. I carried my girl as well and some days I wonder if I had pushed myself too much physically and didn't rest enough.

SeR: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am thinking the same thing and the insane urge to have another one immediately has died down just a little because I've realized that it was really just a need to fill the terrible void in my heart and my body. Having another child would surely help in the healing process, but it will not replace the son I have lost and the urge to conceive again is really a desperate desire to have him back, something that will never happen.
 
Baby_lang,

I just received a call this morning from the clinic. About blood test, nothing much was said only that the doctor will talk to me when I'm there for my appt this coming Wed. Seriously, it lurch my heart a lot when she told me. Then came a big big blow.... I have Diabetes. I'm so so so sad. I cried. The stress I'm feeling now can't be measured. I'm so lost.....

You should go for those tests first. Eliminate all possibility of fears in your heart for the least.

There was this posting at facebook before. A man/woman whom lost their spouse, they are called the Widow/Widower. A child whom lost the parents, they are called the Orphans. But when parents lost their child, there's no words to describe them. A dedication to those parents whom had lost their child for all reasons. Stay strong....
Somehow, this shows how little we feel in this world when these incidents happen to us. And at the same time, having to face occassional insensitive remarks here and there.
No parents can ever forget their child. Don't withhold your emotions too much. Let it out as and when you feel like it. My hubby is very used to my cloudy eyes already. But he stood strong and just hold my hand tighter whenever it happened. By letting out our emotions, we are actually allowing ourselves to let go and face the world more bravely. Don't put others' expectations before self. Always attend to ownself in first place at all time.

Ranice,

Do ignore those insensitive remarks that others will have to say. What I know is true... when such things happen, fingers naturally points to the mother as she's the farmer, not the planter. I'm so glad I have a dad whom understands. When it happened last yr, he said to me. This had never happened in our family. It must have been from the man's side genes. Which I couldn't deny it might be true. As my MIL had 2 stillbirths herself.

What I'd learnt from those insensitive remarks is that when I faced another of those, I'd simply smile back and reply, "Ya lor... You are so smart to have an x-ray eyes to know that it's my fault. Even my doctor also can't say so."

Self-defense became so important to me.

Babymaking

The pain just lessen, and will not subside. That's for sure. But as usual, we'll all be around for each other in times of needs for support.
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Angeline: I'm so sorry about the diabetes diagnosis. Is it gestational diabetes? I know it is very difficult, but try not to worry too much until you have seen the doctor on Wednesday. Stress cannot be good for you and for baby.

I am sure that the diabetes can be managed and monitored closely for you to have a healthy pregnancy. Also if there was something seriously amiss in the blood test results, they would have asked you to come in immediately instead of waiting until Wed.

*big hug* Hoping that all goes well for you and baby!
 
Baby-Lang: tdy I went back to e Gyane with the report.

Still the same either placenta abruption or Pre term labour.

So now I oso clueless. Anyway he said if abruption the next pregnancy got 10% chance also like tat.

But if Pre term labour got 40% will happen again. So when ard 6-7 months need to be very becareful..

Went back to do pap smear today..

so I told hb if this cycle strike le. We will go to another Gyane and seek 2nd opinion and stick with tat doc. Which is Dr Benjamin Tham. I told hb tat I need a doc tat is very assuring, caring, wun rush for time and dun have so many patients de lo..

Today if bb is still inside I'll be 36 weeks 5 days.. EDD is getting nearer and nearer.. Quite a few mommies from e May thread already popped.. How nice would it be if I'm 1 of them..

Anyway, I'm so looking forward to this cycle. Quite positive that I'll strike.. Had a feeling.. Haa.. So loving this feeling!! I'll STRIKE this cycle and move to Jan2013 THREAD!! Keke.. =D

I had a feeling tat it will be a girl this time round.. Haa.. Can't wait for the precious egg to come!!! Eggy eggy.. Come come..
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Ya.. I thk ur case is so super like mine. This is ur 1st or 2nd kid?

I nv ask the doc if the twist can cause the labour but my Gyane tot I had my labour when I reach hospital but I told him when I reach hospital I'm already fully dilated. So he conclude tat it might be Pre-term labour le. The report say got blood or tear at the placenta, so tat explain why got blood.

So ultimately, still dunno e answer.. Not infection tat cause the labour. So might be my body is prone to Pre-term labour which is very dangerous ba.. I myself think..

Angeline: I'm so sorry to hear tat. Is it GD? Or real diabetics?

Hope everything goes will for u.. Take care ya...
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Angeline: I hope your appointment went well yesterday. I'm thinking of you and baby.

I took your advice and went to see my gyne to get the blood tests ordered. I forgot to ask her on getting checked for cervix incompetency; maybe I'll ask at the next visit in mid May when the blood test results come back. It was very difficult sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by expectant mothers and newborn babies. I kept my head bowed and eyes on my mobile phone to avoid seeing them; I didn't want to start crying in public.

Castiel's Mummy: You're very brave, going back to the May thread.

The baby boy we lost was my 2nd pregnancy. We have a 2-year old daughter. My 1st pregnancy with our #1 was uneventful, so I didn't expect the 2nd pregnancy to go so wrong. We don't conceive easily, so losing him was a tremendous blow.

Your positivity is very admirable; I wish I could be like that too. I worry about everything. Still waiting on my 1st normal AF and can't wait to try again.

Hope you catch that January baby with this cycle!
 
Baby Lang n mummies,

Read all posts these few weeks in the thread, i feel sorry to all unhappy experience in all mummies here, same time I recalled my 2 losses.

I had a super duper smooth pregnancy 5 yrs ago when I preg with my son, it was so beautiful, no morning sickness, no complication, good appetite, good sleep good rest throughout the pregnancy, 10 moths later I gave birth to my son.

A yr later, we decided to hv our second. Soon after we made up our mind, I pregnant. But I had miscarriage at 7 weeks.. Gynae concluded this is a natural miscarriage as the ratio is like 1 in 5.. Nothing much we can do.. 10 months later, I pregnant again, it was quite smooth in the beginning. But on the very faithful day, my cervix dilated n water bag is out, I lost her at 17 weeks gestation. Gynae concluded I might hv incompetence cervix...

My world has collapsed n I became a very quiet person.. I blame myself didn't take good care of her, didn't keep her correctly in me.. This is truly sad n tough.. Hubby was very supportive, we went for a short trip, I preg again at second AF cycle after my miscarriage. This time round, I was super careful, I report every unusual thing to my Gynae, I hv my cervix stitch (cervical cerclage) n rest all the way till I giving birth... At 27th weeks of gestation, my water bag ruptured n force to give birth to my girl..

She was tiny at birth, I remember I beg all doctors n nurses to help to keep my girl no matter how, I can't lost her.. She spent 10 days in icu n 60 days in total in the hospital.. Thank GOD we finally brought her home, she was only barely 2kg when home.. She is a 15 months old happy n active girl now
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Mummies, I fully understand nothing is easy in our group here, but we must be strong all the time. When we preg again, take more precaution as in monitor our baby all the time n report to the Gynae in case there is complication, so that the Gynae can react..

Wishing all ur dream n hope come true with a blinking eye. Jia you
 
Feel a sudden need to rant here.*sorry*
I suddenly feel so sour when I read my blog of how I describe my Donte.

"He was born quiet.
I never get to hear him cry and see his open eyes.
I will never get to see him grow like how other children would.
Although he has left us physically,but he will never leave my heart.
A day as my child,forever my child."

My elder boy's bday is coming.
Is a day I once dream I will be celebrating his bday in sch with him and his little bro.
It just kind of hurt a little each time I tink Donte is no longer here with me.

Although Im pregnant now,I just feel so uncomfortable telling anyone about it.
Im so worried that what if this baby will not stay.

Hearing news of ppl getting pregnant makes me feel very uncomfortable.
I feel as though they dont deserve the baby.
I do.We all do.
We all deserved a baby more than anyone else.

I thought I can get away from feeling upset since it has been months since Donte is gone.
But I tink deep down in my heart,I could never forget about this saddness.

At times when I ask my elder boy,
do you miss Didi?
He will tell me yes.
I ask him where is Didi.
He will tell me Didi in high high heaven.
He told me Didi is swimming.
I duno why he say that.
Maybe Didi went into his dream and talk to him or even play with him?

Cant stop feeling sad that my elder boy no longer can play with his Didi.
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<font color="aa00aa">Hi Ranice</font>

After reading through your post. You have the exact same emotions as me. These are the emotions only us mummies in this thread will feel. It's like, the moment their still body lay in our arms, we can only cry, cry and cry. I can't bring myself to wail.. can't bring myself to start throwing things around. Cos I have to protect the little body in my arms... my precious. Crying is the only solution I have to let out my grieve. Until the time that they come in and took away my baby.

Same as you, I'm so uncomfortable telling people about my pregnancy. Only let people come ask me about it once it gets to obvious. I'd still smile and say, yes, I'm pregnant.

However, you have to be strong. For the sake of your little one inside. A positive mind, will feed a positive body and soul. Smile, cos the little one feels everything.

<font color="ff6000">Ethan_mum</font>

So sorry to hear about your experience and congratulations on the healthy growth of your pre-term baby. She's a fighter!

<font color="0077aa">Baby_lang</font>

My appointment on Wednesday is a mixture of emotions. At first I was so so so sad about my Diabetes issue. Until doctor said, mine is a borderline issue. Just don't take sweet stuff frequently, Lessen on carbo and salt. It should be alright. However, I also will have to monitor my blood sugar once a week by doing self blood test. Results have to be faxed back to them weekly.

Then... I was told. Protein S deficiency is positive on me. Normal range is between 60% - 120%. Mine is at 30%. Referred me to a specialist in Gleneagles. Which I quickly arranged the appointment yesterday.

Doctor told me... Whenever a patient goes in with a 30% range for protein S deficiency, he usually will not be worried. As the Thrombosis has only 5% of occuring. But due to my recently unknow stillbirth, he thinks it's best for me to go on either injection or medication. Oral medication will be Aspirin.

But yet again, he asked me how's the growth of the baby throughout my pregnancy, of which I told him baby's weight and growth had been always above average. Growing extremely well. He's again lost... He said that should not be the case. If my boy had been affected by Protein S, he should never have been growing well. He will be on the small side in fact.

Another appointment had been arranged for me to see him along with my hubby again. He needs to discuss with us, whether to put me on daily injection or to just put me on Aspirin will do. Which he prefers the latter. As he still felt, there's nothing for me to worry about.

The worries lies in myself. Now I'm lost. I'm on injection for sugar level testing once a week. If I face another daily injection for baby's safety.... Lost....
 
Ethan_mum: I'm so sorry to read about losing your baby girl at 17 weeks. I feel your pain; lost my baby boy at 18 weeks. In my case, I had contractions before dilation, so I can't be sure if it is cervix insufficiency.

I had similar feelings as you - that I didn't take good care of myself and of him while I was pregnant, that I was too complacent after a 1st successful pregnancy. Maybe if I had been as paranoid and careful as when I was expecting my #1, then none of this would have happened.

Your youngest baby is a strong fighter!

Ranice: I can fully understand your feelings of sadness and of discomfort at hearing pregnancy announcements. I keep wondering if I'll ever be able to have another baby. Stay positive; we're all rooting for you to have a smooth pregnancy!

Angeline: I'm glad to hear that your diabetes is borderline and can be managed easily. I'm certainly in no position to give medical advice, but I've read that levels of Protein S tend to be lower during pregnancy. If that is true, then maybe you don't really have protein S deficiency. Perhaps you can check with the specialist about it.

Have you asked about the side effects/risks associated with injections vs oral medication? I think as mothers, we will find the strength within us to do what is necessary to keep our children safe, be it daily injections or something else.

We're here to listen and give you emotional support, should you need someone to share your worries with.
 
Ladies

I cried when I read all your stories. Forgive me as I'm not good in words. It's really heart wrecking to go thru such a painful experience for a mummy to be. Although I didnt go thru this, but I truly understand what u all have been thru. When my boy was 27 wks , I have a terrible contraction, exactly how baby_Lang descibed her story, every few sec pain. It was also middle of the night. It was so painful that I thought I kena food poisoning. Was rushed to KKH after half an hour. My cervix was dilated and dr told me I running into a Pre term labour soon. I cried buckets and at that moment I had to plead the dr to save my son's life. My heart beats faster than any day in my life. No other pple can understand how I felt at that time. I was admitted immediately, went on drip and medication. I kept praying and chanting the Japanese chant taught by my Sis. Next morning, contraction stops and cervix did not dilate Further. I managed to save my son's life. I was bedrest all the way till I deliver him full term. I will be very devastated if I didn't save his life bcos I had him thru an ivf which took me 2 cycles to succeed. We had tried years for a kid. And I thank god for this miracle and thank god who didn't take him away.

I sincerely hope u all take good care of your health and be preg again
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Ranice: i had the same feeling as you do.. Feeling that all others dun deserve to be preggy. Sometimes, i wonder if i'm sick.. haiz.. Like u said, We all do.. The feeling really sucks.. Cuz when the pple all around you one by one tell u tat they r preggy. The feeling really no good. =(

Sometimes, i feel that u gals are very much fortunate then me. Cuz u all have a little one to look after and share ur loss. U gals can put all ur everything on ur 1st child.

For me, i really hope i had a bb to care for.. Can divert my attention and everything. Now i had to try so hard for another bb.

I am so afraid of hearing frens n relatives getting preggy. Cuz i feel so demoralized.. Esp now the EDD of my boy is getting closer and closer..

Till now i'll still ask why has it got to be my bb. Y me!

Anyway, i hope tat this time round u will have a very smooth and sticky 9 months!! =D

Angeline: Hope everything is fine for u..

Ethan mummy: So happy tat ur gal made it.. How i wish my son made it too.. It was 25 weeks when i lost him. If he is still ard he would be 3 months now..

baby_lang: Same.. I oso has the fear of not being abt to get preggy or how long will i take to go pregnant again. Today is my CD20 and i had not test positive for O yet. I felt really demoralized now. If i cant O there's really nothing for me to do..

hope tat ur AF faster come and u can faster try again soon.. Or test positive for ur O soon... Good luck.. =)
 
Hey Ladies,

Just wanna share something that i found.

Very meaningful and encouraging.

Hope you gals will feel the same.

A rainbow, the beauty that comes after a storm and a symbol of hope, is a description women lovingly use for their babies that are born after a miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss.

For women who have experienced a loss, conceiving a “rainbow baby” doesn’t make them forget the loss, take it away or diminish it, but it does give them hope for a new chance at motherhood.

7004115.jpg
 
For those who's TTC, how long do u take to recover again?

Have you seen TCM or gynae before trying again? I have been comptemplating to ttc again as age is catching up.
 
Hi Ser,

What u mean by recovering?

I jus keep track of my OPKs for O and bd accordingly as soon as my after birth bleeding ended..
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My menses came back on 13 apr and today is my CD26. No sign of O so I'm at Gyane here to do a scan. To see whether my egg is coming soon or not. If not I'll ask for an induce for menses then a few cycles of clomid..
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Hope my reply helps..
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Thanks Castiel Mummy for sharing, you had detailed update of what is happening. I did too, however I even published a book on it. The pain is indescribable, however is something that you can't forget..
 
Do you girls have this feeling?
You tot u put behind everything,you move on,you dun cry anymore.

But suddenly you cried a lot a lot,because of some tots tt you can nvr do things for your angel baby anymore.

I cried upon looking at photo of his tiny feet.
I still dun have e courage to look at his photo.

I cried so much now.so so much.
I tot I have forget about him already.
But guess I din.
 
Hi catiel's mummy, ooh wat I mean was after confinement, when will the mummy here muster encouragement to try again?

Felicia, u actually publish a book! Do you have any review that we can see? It will be rather helpful to the mummies who experience the same.
 
Ser: before I lost Castiel, we already booked a trip to HK. The trip is abt e time I ended my confinement. During my trip I'm still bleeding on an off.. I wasn't ready and not in the mood to do anything. Seriously!! Sex is the least thing in my mind.

Then my parents bring me to Taiwan. During e trip I started to test in OPKs. We try once during e trip. Not for bb but jus felt u know, e time is ripe.. Lol.. *blush*

Then when I came back I tested positive for OPK, so I jus b and bd and bd. BUT nv strike for tat cycle.. AF came but no egg.. Went to Gyane and take pills to induce menses and clomid!! Already took pills to induce menses starts today!! =D

I'm so excited!! I'm really positive to be able to strike on this cycle!!! =D

Looking forward to hold my Rainbow Baby in 10 months time!!! =D

We all will hold one in our arms soon!!
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Ranice: we will always cry de.. Even 30 years down e road.. I too feeling quite emo lately cuz Castiel EDD is very near, next fri!! Haiz.. Looking forward to ur bb in ur tummy. Focus more on ur little one..
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Felicia: wow:: thats great!! How I wish I can publish 1 copy.. Haa.. But I'm not talented in writing compo.. Haa..
 
Ranice

It had been so many years but till now when I watch shows on miscarriage, abortions, my tears will drop too.

Whenever I relate my medical history to tcm physician, there will be a very sad tinge of sadness in the heart too.

Castiel's mummy

I was in a very similar situation like u too! can understand what u meant especially on the ttc part.

When I first *ahem*, it's such a mixture of feelings...n a very determined feel to try again..

I took a short holiday at Taipei too n ttc after my 1st cycle n strike too! Now my ger is 6yo..so we comtemplate to try for another one, maybe later of the year hehe..

Jiayou jiayou, I believe a baby will be in ur arms soon!

Oh ya once strike, do keep very very tight lipped about it, it will be best if only n n ur hb noe abt it.

Tt time, I disclosed it only ard 4th month,

Felicia, thanks for sharing ur book, tts v impressive. I will keep a lookout. I will be trying for another soon too.
 
Dear Ladies,

Been a rather silent reader all these while. But everytime I read all the posts, I cry .. about our losses, about our empty-arms aching for our babies. My hubby asks me why I do this to myself. It's just inexplainable .. But I feel a connection to all of you simply because of the pain we have all gone through. It's a pain that not just anyone understands.

Today it will be one year since we lost our baby girl. She was supposed to be born on the 4th July 2011, but at a regular visit at 32 weeks, the doctor found no heartbeat.

I wish I could say that I have recovered from losing her. But it isn't the case and I guess it's something that we'll never ever recover from.

Am currently expecting No.3. (Maia will always be my No.2). Although I'm 34 weeks at present, I have yet to make any announcements, so only those who have seen me in the recent months, know that I'm expecting. It's a fear that something bad might just happen again .. Am sure that you ladies might understand what I'm feeling.

Throughout this pregnancy, I've literally been taking one visit at a time. Now that I'm so close to full term, it just gets so scary again. I'm afraid that something might happen and I know if anything does, I just might not be able to survive it.

I have done everything that I could possibly do: taking my vitamins, exercising, resting loads, cutting down on my work, taking aspirin and now, daily harapin jabs. Everything else I leave to God. He has a plan for each of us and as fearful as I may be, all I can do now, is to leave it in His hands.
 
Hi ethan_mum
Can u share more about the cervix incompetence part? How you determine if that is really the root cause? Mine is suspected to be this reason. Had water bag broke on 23 weeks.
 
Hi Horsie
 
Sure. To give some background, when I preg with my son (first pergnancy was nothing wrong, but my son was under c-sec after 12 hrs unsuccesful labour). second pregnancy miscarrige at 7 weeks, third pregnancy miscarriage at 17 weeks due to imcopetent cervix, 4th delivered at 27 weeks gestation due to water ruptured.
 
gynae adv, for imcompetant cervix, normally there are few common senario will cause this issue.
1. born to be, as the cervix is weak and poor elasity
2. cervix damage from last delivery
3. abortion/too many abortion
4. infection
5. etc etc
 
as we are not getting pregnancy every year, it is hard to tell we are belong to which of the abv mentioned. so we only can found out if we having imcompetant cervix when we had miscarrige
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only one precaution can take to our next pregnancy is that have our cervix stich -- Cervical cerclage when baby reach 12 weeks gestation. after the cerclage is done, need to always monitor is the cervix open by measuring our cervical length, if infection if itch/pain/contraction/bleeding/abnormal mucus or stink mucus discharge…
 
when my water bag broke and admitted to hospital, I bed ridden for 48hours then follow by contraction, the had the cerclage cut, I delivered my baby naturally as she is in very nice position in me, which is her head is down. I had no chance to see her face at all, she was brought to the corner did some compulsory test for just few mins, then they sent her to NICU…
 
I remember I cried non-stop in the delivery suite, I was so afraid I cant bring her home with us…thank GOD allow us to bring her home sweet home
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if u need any further from me, pls pls pls do not hesistate to text me, if I can help I will do mu utmost.  
 
To Ethan_mum

Thanks so much. I am looking out for someone with similar to understand more. I had my 1st boy and force to deliver on 23rd week as water bag break. The end conclusion was suspected cervix incompetence. Now I am going for IVF again, however, the gynae isn't sure is the stitch is really the answer to it reason being.

1. Might not be the actual root cause since 1st occurrence
2. Might be also infection during IVF transfer
3. There are people who went thru again with no stitch and had smooth pregnancy thereafter.
4. Stitch do cause risk of infection as well

From your 3rd pregnancy, how you determine that is the root cause? Especially your 1st pregnancy is ok?
 
Dear all,

I have been a silent reader of this forum but it's Mother's Day and my hubby is away on his first business trip since we lost our baby girl last month. So the tears have been flowing and I hoped to feel better after pouring out.

My hubby and I had been trying to conceive for 4 years when I was finally pregnant with our daughter, Dawn Isabel, on our 2nd IVF attempt. (We also had 1 failed IUI and 2 failed SOIUIs before that.) My pregnancy was confirmed on 23 December so that holiday season was just joyful, even though we were cautious as we knew we were still in the more unstable first trimester.

We were so glad after passing the crucial first 13 weeks and clearing the Oscar test, and had started shopping for our baby girl. We also did an early detailed scan at 16 weeks and everything was well.

Then on Ash Wednesday, 4 April, we lost her, at 19 weeks exactly.

Even though it was my first pregnancy, I had started feeling her kicks very distinctly for some time and especially after her 18th week. Her movements were also very regular - at around 3 plus in the afternoon, and 9 plus and 11 plus at night. But on that Wednesday, I felt nothing at all 3 times. Even though "What To Expect" says it's normal at this stage of pregnancy, I decided to call my obstetrician, Dr Lai Fon Min's clinic and was asked to come down for a check.

I briefly explained to Dr Lai why I had called. He probably didn't think it was something to worry about too as he asked his nurse if his next patient had arrived as he would otherwise do another detailed scan for me. Alas, once Dawn appeared on the ultrasound screen, my heart sank. She was floating motionless in my womb.

I delivered her a week later at Gleaneages, on 10 April and we buried her at CCK Christian Cemetery on 11 April. So it's been just over a month since I lost her and hardly a day goes by when I don't weep for her.

We went through a battery of tests to seek to determine a cause for Dawn's demise - amniocentesis, tests on the placenta and various blood tests - lupus, thyroid function etc etc. Save for my thrombophilia test, which results are still pending (we did the test 3 weeks after I delivered Dawn as Dr Lai says the results during pregnancy may not be accurate), all the tests were normal. There was a blood clot where the umbilical cord connected to the placenta but Dr Lai thinks it's more likely something that developed after and not the cause. So we are clueless why it happened.

My period has just resumed and Dr Lai has given us the ok to try for another baby immediately after. We are going to try naturally for now - I don't have the emotional strength to go through IVF again so soon. (You are very brave, Horsie!)

Can I ask the ladies here who had a healthy baby after their stillbirths, especially those whose losses were unexplained, how the subsequent pregnancy was managed (how frequent were check-ups, any additional meds like heparin (I was already on baby aspirin this pregnancy), tests like doppler blood flow etc) and who you went to? I read from Monster's earlier posts that A/Prof Mary Rauff is very good. I know it's kinda early to ask but I am probably gonna keep mum when I conceive again - too afraid, so wanted to gather the relevant information first. Thanks so much for your help!
 
Hi dawndew (dawndew),

I am not brave is more like trying to complete what you left undone. We were expecting our son early this year. Instead I hope it will be year end to tell myself, mission completed. Else I don't know what to do next? Is like you are so used to being pregnant, you do not know what to when you are not pregnant..
 
Hi dawn,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jus wanna let you know that you are not alone. I too, lost my boy at 25 weeks exactly. I got back the placenta report and it might be due to Placenta Abruption or Pre-Term labour.

For placenta abruption, it has no cause to it. I saw 2 Gyanes and both told me the same thing. There's nothing to prevent it from happening. It just happen, unexpectedly, unknowingly. One of them said, I'll have 10% of having the same issue for the next pregnancy. For Pre-term labour, it is about 40% of happening. I was like wtf?!!

It was hard. That's all I can. Losing our little one. It's never easy and will never be. Till today, I'll still cry on a very down day. Especially, this coming Friday is Castiel(my boy) edd! I hurts and it will never hurt less. But trust me, you will pass this crying stage, time will heal. I thought I'll be crying each time I look at Castiel photo but I never. I'll take out his photo occasionally whenever I miss him.

It's really not easy, take as long as you want to grief. Cry when you feel like to, don't need to control. Let it all out, after crying you will feel better.
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Thought it has been more then 3 months, some days I would still feel like it is like a dream when I woke up. I'll would still often ask why? Why has it got to be my baby? Why can't it be others? Other people gave birth to so many babies but why did mine ended up in such a tragic way?

Anyway, Here's something for you, when I read about it I felt really god and it really comforts me. I hope it comforts you too.
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An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's name.

Then she whispered as she closed the book, 'Too beautiful for earth.'

I cried when I read this. It was really beautiful. I love this quote!

Let's all look forward to our 'Rainbow Baby'. Look for the rainbow picture that I posted. It is very meaningful and encouraging! =D
 
Hi,dawndew,I'm sorry for ur loss.

I lost my 2nd boy at 26weeks.
I always miss him,I always do.

I was all alone when the nurse did e scanning for mi.
I was hoping I was wrong when the nurse couldnt hear anything from e Doppler scan
Then they went n ask the dr to come in to do scanning for mi.

I knew something was wrong when my instinct told me to head to kkh instead of to work.

Nth hurts more than not seeing the heartbeat on the screen,something I fear from the start of the pregnancy.

Been more than 4mths since he left us,nvr come a day I will stop crying whenever I tink of him.

Hang on.
I believe they left us for a reason unknown.
 


Dear Horsie, Castiel's Mummy and Ranice,

Thanks for sharing.

Yes, I will give myself time and space to grieve. I know that it is part of what I have to go through to heal. But it hurts. My heart is mangled beyond recognition.

The Saturday before I admitted myself to hospital to be induced, I asked hubby to carry me - I told him Dawn may be too small and fragile to be carried (and she was), we'll just treat that as daddy carrying her. We took a picture and actually managed to smile for the camera. My heart aches when I see the picture now. When will I truly smile again?
 
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