Support Group for Abuse in Marriages

pizzaria

New Member
Sometimes it is outright abuse and you know it is not right.

Sometimes it’s at the edge where you don’t know whether it is abuse or not ( like where I am now)

I’ve struggled with an unhappy and tumultuous marriage for the past few years and don’t understand when or how my husband has changed from a loving bf to the scary person he is now. I have known him for nearly twenty years.

I’ve tried to find support in my most desperate times but I called FLC - they promised to contact but never did. I called PAVE, they promised they will follow up and support me with a counselor but they didn’t. I break down in tears when I have to talk honestly to these people, I don’t think I have the strength to reach out and ask for help again, help is so hard to get.

I searched in the forum and realised there are support groups for miscarriages, ivf, unfaithful spouses but none for abuse. So I would like to start one.

Please, in this thread, support, but don’t judge.
 


pizzaria

New Member
No.., we have had trouble for the last few years, way before covid.
He would get very emotional and there would be sudden mood swings, or irrational anger. He will then yell at us. I think I cried the first two or three years but now I just stare stone face at him while he yells and don’t even bother to say anything as anything will be considered aggravation. I am already so tired and confused I don’t know whether yelling is considered abuse.
 

Anycai

New Member
Yelling is considered an abuse, even rising his voice is an abuse because these make the listener scare. My husband also have this issue, and I tried to understand him and explain why he shouldn't do that and how it could scares our future baby and affects his development.

I've to give an ultimatum that either we go for marriage counselling or divorce. He promised to work on solving it and I'm trying to help him too.

For my husband, he is a perfectionist but not a smart one so often he felt helpless whenever he faces a problem he can't solve or achieve perfection. That immediately turns into frustration, yelling and unable to control himself. During this time, he can't listen or comprehend anything so I'll avoid making it worse by telling him I don't want to talk if he is so angry or avoid being in the same space as him, after a few hours I'll explain/help him or pick another day. On days when he have better mood, I tried to explain to him about the consequences of his actions, how things works and encourage him to solve problems.

I guess he didn't have these when he was growing up.
 

pizzaria

New Member
On days when he have better mood, I tried to explain to him about the consequences of his actions, how things works and encourage him to solve problems.

I guess he didn't have these when he was growing up.
I used to do that too. But after some times it just makes things worse as he says I always want him to think / do a particular way. And I’m just too tired and numb to do that nowadays.

Are you doing marital therapy now? How is it working? Any good Counselors to recommend? I foresee in this thread we will end up recommending Lawyers to one another if counselling don’t work out.
 

Anycai

New Member
I used to do that too. But after some times it just makes things worse as he says I always want him to think / do a particular way. And I’m just too tired and numb to do that nowadays.

Are you doing marital therapy now? How is it working? Any good Counselors to recommend? I foresee in this thread we will end up recommending Lawyers to one another if counselling don’t work out.
We haven't start the marital therapy yet, it was put-on holder by the counsellor due to the circuit breaker measures. After the CB, we didn't start because our relationship got better, I got pregnant and the programme is quite expensive. $600 for 22 hours.

I looked for the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Programme (PREP) by MSF as they've some rebates and selected from the list of MSF approved organisations based on the programme that matches my situation.

Hopefully things get better if not that mean I've made a bad decision for my unborn child.
 

pizzaria

New Member
I hope things get better for you. PREP seems like a good course too bad we are not eligible for it as it caters to newly weds. They should have something for mid life marriages too... in my time pre maritial counselling wasn’t really ‘in’, if we had this option at that time I would definitely have gone for it. I think it may be worth it for you to go, actually $600 for 22 hours not that bad, really.
 

Anycai

New Member
I hope things get better for you. PREP seems like a good course too bad we are not eligible for it as it caters to newly weds. They should have something for mid life marriages too... in my time pre maritial counselling wasn’t really ‘in’, if we had this option at that time I would definitely have gone for it. I think it may be worth it for you to go, actually $600 for 22 hours not that bad, really.
After hearing what you said, maybe it's still worth going.

We wasn't eligible for the rebate because we are not that newly weds but we can still take some of PREP course. It's mainly about understanding each other and learning to communicate better, like a warm-up/kick start rather than jump straight into what's the problem between the 2 of us. My husband don't believe in paying someone to "talk" to him, I believe if we can't solve it then we need professional help.
 

pizzaria

New Member
My husband also don’t believe in paying someone to talk to him. But I think we need professional help, just that I don’t know where that help will be. Going private is very expensive but going via Family service centres ... let’s just say I called them twice, and wasn’t impresssd . The first time I just sought help, they said they will call back but never did. The second time is about two years later I decided to retry again. This time I checked their website first, I called and asked about the programmes that they advertised online, turned out that most of the programmes are not running anymore and they also don’t know when the next run is. I asked about marriage counselling options and these were also not available, contrary to what their websites says.

If I had been suicidal I think I would have been dead already.
 

Anycai

New Member
When I was young, my family had to work with the counsellors in the family service centre, and it's not helpful at all. I don't blame them because they are non-profitable (likely don't earn enough to have trained counsellors), short-handed and overworked: you get the drift. Don't go to them unless it's an assignment of the court case, police case, government assignment or low-income family (less than $2000).

There are different types of counsellors with different specialisation. I've met a few counsellors, and I've no luck getting help from most of them. Especially counsellors that went on talking/lecturing instead of listening to understand you and help you see each other's perspective.

IMO (and this happened to me) I think counsellors are helpful at the initial stage (if they listen) to help:
  • create awareness
  • give you a fair chance to say each of your perspectives
  • help you hear/understand the other person perspectives
  • help you have self-awareness of the problem
  • triage what the issues could be
  • refer you to more specialised service, example a specific psychotherapist
Two people who are damaged/lack self-awareness of their problem won't work out well by doing counselling together (in my case was my mum). Going for an individual therapist/psychotherapist first to help you have stable self-esteem would be more useful. Later on, when the two of you are stable/sensible enough to want to work it out, then couple counselling might be helpful again.

I picked a counselling programme with personality analyse to help us understand ourselves and the other better —a lower barrier for a start. Check out the MSF prevention and relationship enhancement programme here https://www.msf.gov.sg/policies/Marriages/Preparing-for-Marriage/Pages/default.aspx or google "MSF prevention and relationship enhancement programme", the page search "MSF-approved providers of marriage education and support programmes from the hyperlink" and read the pdf; it has many programmes, pick one that suits your situation.

In case anyone else is having suicidal thought, this Samaritans of Singapore 24-hour suicidal hotline (1800 221 4444) saved me, hope this saves someone too. Having a listening ear was enough to temporary stop my suicidal thought but not enough to solve my problem. Ultimately I decided to help myself by seeking help from the hospital for psychotherapy. After a year of therapy and continuous effort, I am coping better and better. Pick a psychotherapist that you trust is vital for your recovery.
 

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