Nothing in common with mil

E

Evelyn016

New Member
My in-laws will visit my place every Saturday. They will watch TV and play with my boy. My mil also bring dinner. The problem is, I'm always so bored when they are around since I don't need to entertain my boy, but I also can't go around the house doing my stuff because it seems like there's always someone watching my every move. I also don't really feel like eating her food which has been cooked since 12pm and then microwaved at dinnertime. And she cooked a lot. I really don't want to offend her but she will make comments that leaves me unable to think of a suitable reply.
Our parenting styles are also different and she will try to insist on her way. However, I can't help commenting sometimes and my husband will be unhappy and say I'm directing at her.
Hence, my solution is, I will excuse myself on that day and go visit my Mum, go shopping and have dinner before going back home so as to reduce conflicts.
Also, I wished we can go out more often but if my in-laws and bro-in law comes along, we can't fit everyone in the car as my boy needs to be in a car seat. I was pretty unhappy when my husband insisted we took out the car seat and let my boy sit on an adult's lap. I suggested to my husband to get my in-laws to get a cab with his brother, and he got angry.
I find my mil insensitive at times and I really have nothing to say to her. I have to clean up the house before she comes, or she will comment that the house is in a mess. Once, I had some unwashed dishes left in the sink, and the first thing she said to me when she came was: why never wash?
My husband says I'm just being paranoid whenever I mention certain things about his family to him.
 


Helo..the things u have mentioned are very common.i also dun like to take out the car seat whenever there are family outing.And especially my bil has a bigger car which can accomendate everyone but my mil will still ask hb to go pick her and he younger brothers! This piss me off too.is not on the way somemore and bil stay closer to her which does not make sense at all to travel up and down to pick lo.

Just ignore what ur mil says and do what u want in the house.end day this is ur house and not hers.u can do what u want.1 ear in and 1 ear out.soon she will stop .

U dun need her help right anyway..unless u need her help in looking ur boy then u might have to think before u act.otherwise hackcare la!
 
Yah, I was just feeling down and needed to rant.
It's unlikely I would need her help because my in-laws are getting on in years and their health are not very good. I think it's mostly because they didn't really take care of themselves during the younger days and is leading pretty sedentary lifestyle now, like watch TV at home, and only go out on weekend to come to my place. They cannot keep up with my boy. If I need help, I will go to my Mum and family first. At least my father can still run after my boy. Haha...
 
You just need to keep reminding yourself that this is your hubby's mother. She gave birth to him, went through a lot to bring him up. It is natural for her to fuss over her grandkids so just close one eye when she does it in her methods. She just feels her method is the best and everyone else is wrong, so what's the point of being upset over it? Just accept it, roll your eyes secretly. let it be, anyway it's just once a week. After she leaves you can do everything in your own style.

I feel that it's quite nice of her to take the trouble to cook and bring the food over. Yes, microwave sucks and it's unhealthy, but the thought behind is she just wants her son to taste her food once a week. As a DIL just let it be lah... to sons, their mother's food is always the best. Just let them enjoy it even if it's microwaved. Give her some face and eat a bit, it will make her happy and make your hubby happy, why not? If you don't eat it, she will feel disrespected and unappreciated... old people is like that one.

I don't think it's nice to leave the house when your in laws come. I can understand you are trying to avoid conflict and have a peace of mind as well, but put yourself in your MIL shoes. Won't you feel that this DIL is avoiding you and dislike you? Even if it's the truth, for the sake of your hubby just put up with it. You can hide in your room, come out show face now and then, smile at your in laws and just put up a happy face. It doesn't really hurt to do that... end of the day your in laws feel happy and your hubby also happy mah... if your in laws are unhappy this will cause even more conflict and quarrels in the marriage.

Regarding the car, it's against the law for baby to sit without a seat. I've known friends who kenna fined for it, maybe you should let your hubby know about this. It's mainly for safety of the kid and also to prevent your hubby getting fined. You should focus on this point and don't mention about asking his parents take cab... this will make him feel unfilial and makes it seem like you are the "unfilial DIL" asking him to ditch his parents to the cab. (Strange thinking but men are weird)
 
Ok. I will try to bear with her. My husband always say to treat my mil like my own Mum, but that's never true.
I will be the one who kana fined, because the car is under my name and I'm the main driver...I did tell him cases where the kids got injured or died (touchwood) because they were not in the car seat. He say we won't be so sway...I don't know what to say already.
 
Pretty emo today, probably hormonal. I'm so mad at my husband who just can't be bothered. I think my in-laws brought my boy out to play on his tricycle, but didn't clean up the wheels when they came back, and pushed the tricycle into the house. My boy probably continued to push it around the house. Now my floor has the grainy feeling. When I asked my husband if they take the tricycle out next time, please clean the wheels before taking into the house. He just said: I don't know if they took it down or not.
Am I kicking up a fuss? I'm the one mopping the floor at 10pm, yet to shower, while he's happily playing his game. When I ask for help, he say he's too tired. By the way, he took a long nap in the afternoon with my boy.
 
Evelyn016 said:
Ok. I will try to bear with her. My husband always say to treat my mil like my own Mum, but that's never true.
I will be the one who kana fined, because the car is under my name and I'm the main driver...I did tell him cases where the kids got injured or died (touchwood) because they were not in the car seat. He say we won't be so sway...I don't know what to say already.
Click to expand...

I don't think it's possible to treat MIL as own mom... we can try but it's never going to be the same. Even our MIL also won't be able to treat us like own daughters right.

Oh dear, then you better have a good talk with him about this, the car thing... choose a day when he's in super good mood!
 
What if you were to go to your in laws place for dinner so you can shorten the time spend together? your MIL cook, you all eat and you wash. Finish washing can go home. ;p
Some more no need to think about the car thing?

I have MIL and TBH, I am a terrible DIL! I don't bring my kids to visit and I seldom take her out. To me, seldom meet is better so to reduce any conflict. I told my mom if one day I becomes a MIL and my DIL doesn't like me, its my karma! I deserve no pity.
 
2dogs2kids said:
What if you were to go to your in laws place for dinner so you can shorten the time spend together? your MIL cook, you all eat and you wash. Finish washing can go home. ;p
Some more no need to think about the car thing?

I have MIL and TBH, I am a terrible DIL! I don't bring my kids to visit and I seldom take her out. To me, seldom meet is better so to reduce any conflict. I told my mom if one day I becomes a MIL and my DIL doesn't like me, its my karma! I deserve no pity.
Click to expand...

The thing is, my husband is too lazy to go over. He say let his parents exercise a bit.
My mil won't let me wash the dishes, even at my home. She always want to do all the cleaning her way. She even wash my toilet even though we say no need. The thing is, I don't know if she will tell the other relatives, and this will put me in a bad light.
I also think I'm a lousy DID, and my husband say next time my DIL will be like me now.
 
catinthesky said:
I don't think it's possible to treat MIL as own mom... we can try but it's never going to be the same. Even our MIL also won't be able to treat us like own daughters right.

Oh dear, then you better have a good talk with him about this, the car thing... choose a day when he's in super good mood!
Click to expand...

Yah, in fact, she's not very close to her daughter. My husband is the only one who is nice to her. His brother talks very rudely to her, I feel. But she still treats him like a kid, filling his plate with food at mealtimes and deliver to him in the room, filling his waterbottle, fuss over him like a baby etc. He's 40 years old, btw.

I find it hard to talk to him about the car seat. He just think I'm picking on his famity. I tried a few times already. Men, more petty the older they get.
 
Evelyn016 said:
The thing is, my husband is too lazy to go over. He say let his parents exercise a bit.
My mil won't let me wash the dishes, even at my home. She always want to do all the cleaning her way. She even wash my toilet even though we say no need. The thing is, I don't know if she will tell the other relatives, and this will put me in a bad light.
I also think I'm a lousy DID, and my husband say next time my DIL will be like me now.
Click to expand...
sigh... my MIL actually re-wash her dishes and clothes that I have washed! from then on, I tried not to touch. Don't know what was she thinking. Probably you might want to be like me, blind and deaf whenever MIL is around. I simply bochap everything. No need to care abt what others think. We don't live for them. Let's care abt our own family can liao. I have a few SIL and I know for sure they will talk behind my back, well I heck care too! ha ha
My hubby loves me, my mama loves me, my kiddies love me can already.
Jia you!!!
 
@Evelyn016, grandparents will always pamper their grandchildren but I feel u should stand firm as well. If your hb doesn't want to talk to his own parents then u have to talk to your pil. For me, if my hb doesn't say I will do the talking instead. I don't want at the end of the day, I suffer when my kids grow up comparing parents love vs grandparents love.
 
My husband's filial piety is his strength and also his weakness. For now, I just keep quiet because anything I say is useless. I thought about the things I mentioned, which I thought were factual and it could be anyone, not directed at his mum. I just feel quite sad that my husband does not stand on my side actually, but what can I do? That's why the best thing is if I don't see it, I won't be able to say anything. If I see it, I have to say.
 
My advise is just avoid if cannot get along. Also u can try to do nice things for her such as buying her Favourite food for her when u see her and keep doing nice things to her. I like to "paw"/ praise my MIL say she very pretty. Haha I also don't have much to say, but just try to make small talk and listen to her . Make her happy. Happy easier to be around each other


Evelyn016 said:
My in-laws will visit my place every Saturday. They will watch TV and play with my boy. My mil also bring dinner. The problem is, I'm always so bored when they are around since I don't need to entertain my boy, but I also can't go around the house doing my stuff because it seems like there's always someone watching my every move. I also don't really feel like eating her food which has been cooked since 12pm and then microwaved at dinnertime. And she cooked a lot. I really don't want to offend her but she will make comments that leaves me unable to think of a suitable reply.
Our parenting styles are also different and she will try to insist on her way. However, I can't help commenting sometimes and my husband will be unhappy and say I'm directing at her.
Hence, my solution is, I will excuse myself on that day and go visit my Mum, go shopping and have dinner before going back home so as to reduce conflicts.
Also, I wished we can go out more often but if my in-laws and bro-in law comes along, we can't fit everyone in the car as my boy needs to be in a car seat. I was pretty unhappy when my husband insisted we took out the car seat and let my boy sit on an adult's lap. I suggested to my husband to get my in-laws to get a cab with his brother, and he got angry.
I find my mil insensitive at times and I really have nothing to say to her. I have to clean up the house before she comes, or she will comment that the house is in a mess. Once, I had some unwashed dishes left in the sink, and the first thing she said to me when she came was: why never wash?
My husband says I'm just being paranoid whenever I mention certain things about his family to him.
Click to expand...
 
Hey! I may be a bad example. But my purpose of sharing is to tell you you're not alone.
Like some of the mummies above says. Your main focus should be your family, and that includes making your hubby happy.
My PIL (esp MIL) didn't like me from the very start. I was pregnant out of wedlock so they kept thinking I am 'forcing' my hubb (then bf) to take responsibilities.
My BIL even vocalized to get me to 'behave and treat my PIL well'...
Many things happened that period and we were never in good terms. (Like forcing me to put out laundry - those pole kind when i was heavily pregnant etc..)
My hubby came to realize that I have certain impression of his parents (which is true luh) and became very protective over it.
Simple things like me not calling them by papa mama bothered my husb (where its just my upbringing - I grew up in a family we love one another but we don't practice formalities like papa mama have dinner that kinda thing?)...

But anyway these are all history.

I think the point is really communicate.
Some times back (a few years after all the drama), my husband and I sat down to talk heart to heart.
We concluded that his parents are really abit too pushy to me and that I am in no way rude to them. Its just how I behave even to my own parents. And I do not want to change (to me, formalities causes distance)...
I then agreed to at least try to call them in front of relatives or in big occasions.
When ever they come to our place, I'll do my work in my room - I have a hobby of doing video editing etc.
And if we were to go to theirs, as long as my body condition is good, I will do the washing. Sometimes, my hubby can volunteer I cook for everybody (but I don't do that often because my taste bud is bland where theirs are thick. I love veg, they hate veg).

So end of the day, its about sitting down together and agreeing to compromise, setting the rules right.
(My hubby cannot ask my PIL to take care of my girl full day. And because my PIL cooks lots of healthy food, my hubby has to help me to limit those)...
We agreed his parents can never stay overnight with us, including my parents.

It is working now (and I hope forever)...
Try it, with some determination and biting of tongue. I am sure, somehow it will help.

I am like you, I do not depend on my PIL to take care of my child, never required. My parents are always there for me.
So... reduce the meeting luh. :)
 
Hey babe
At least u are not staying with your mil and only seeing her once a week

I'm staying with my mil
It's worst man
 
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