No intimation or sex after having children

H

heartbrokenme

New Member
Me and hubby got married in 2004. Had our 1st child in 2007 and 2nd one in 2010. But ever since 1st child born, less sex, maybe around 1-2 times in 1 month. But we still hold hands when going out alone. However, after 2nd child was born, our r/s gone downhill. DH seldom kiss me, not even a peck on the face. No holding hands, sex is like 1 time in a few months. He likes to go out in the middle of the night (every night)to sit at the coffee shop or otherwise, just sit outside the house, playing with his handphone. And will only come back to room at ard 3-4am. Even when at home, he is always on the phone, either playing games or doing online betting. Sometimes when we go out, and ask him to take photo together, he will just stand beside me, arms not around my shoulder or waist. Why?? When we go and fetch our son from enrichment class, he will ask me to go up myself while he sit in the car/coffeeshop to wait (that is like abt 30min b4 the class end). I ask him why he cannot go with me to just walk around first, he told me he didn't like to accompany me to walk walk. I am sad. Everytime I wanted to talk abt our relationship, he will either evade the topic or flare up. I am truly veri disheartened. Pls advise...
 


Hi

Try to check on his phone, he could be cheating on you. From what you described, the likelihood of him cheating is high. If a man values his family, he would not be staying out so late frequently. Just read other threads, you will see the similarities of yr husband and others.

If not, he could be hving an addiction problem, both games and gambling addiction. He would seriously need help as it will only worsen. You need to investigate on him secretly since he is not open to communication.
 
Lynn,

I agreed with moorspa. I think something is wrong here. A healthy r/s shouldnt be like that. Moreover, u have 2 kids. Dun he care for his kids? I think its time for you to look around for some clues.
 
Lynn, one very important thing. Before you carry out any actions on checking him up. Please please please be mentally, emotionally prepared what you may NOT wanna see.

Get a hold of yourself first, ask yourself hard truth facts about yourself before checking on your HB.

Ask yourself what was it like pre-kids, how do you look like pre-kids, why does your husband desire you pre-kids?

Have all these change post-kids?
 
hope he is not cheating on u... or how about if u tell him u both really need to work something out asap, if not u will
bring in a third (& neutral) party to help u guys? all e best
 
Even if the guy is having sex with you doesn't not mean he is not cheating. He has the urge n you are there. Full stop.
So ladies, once you sense he is behaving suspiciously, start checking on him. Whether there is sex or not in the marriage.
 
I don't know what to do if I know my husband is cheating.

Will you immediately divorce without any consideration what so ever?
 
i will definitely b disappointed & heartbroken. i guess it depends on to what extent he is cheating on me... of cos they would always ask u to talk things through & work things out, but depends on both parties lo willing or not...
 
Juz

Divorce was a way for me to gain back my self-respect and to get back "my piece of the sky", so to speak. To use your words in another post - I initiated the divorce with my head held up high.
 
Thanks juz n princess

It is not an easy decision to make but I felt I had to. Else I can never respect the woman I see in the mirror every second of my life. Besides, my kids told me they are happier now - there is peace. I don't care what he does with his life. If he contracts a terrible disease, at least I know my kids n I are protected becos we no longer stay with him. He didn't think I would divorce him. Gave him a shock n I felt vindicated.
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lynn, my case is similar with you.
i married in 2008, 1st kid born in 2009 & 2nd is 2011.
no more hold/ touching shoulder/ waist when we are going out... his reason is "need to carry kids". but even when sometime kids walk at their own, he also saying “已经老夫老妻了。。。”i am 33 and he is 35, married only 4 yrs, i am so angry & sad to get this reason...
sex also maybe 1 time in 1-2 months. most of the time is i request from him...
he likes gamble... although now he seems trying to quit... but he has a lot of debts need to be settled. so, our family life is tight with no enough money, cannot do any extra expenses.
he also is a "boh chap" man. he knows i will definately take care my 2 boys. when i am asking him to help in house works or taking care our kids, most of the time he will say he is very tired... or "wait, let him rest first"...
we always quarel, because of no enough money or kids matter. i asking for divorce, but he said he will not let me go.
sometimes i really dont know what he want?! i feeling tired, i need to work/ take care 2 boys/ doing houseworks/ sharing his debts/ worrying abt no enought money when come to month end...
i dont know i can "tahan" for how long.
sometimes when we are quarel, my 3yrs old son will say: "i dont like both of you quarel, i dont want to see!"
i am feeling so sorry for my son, but at that moment, i cant control my temper...
 
Just to share, as someone that is not lacking of ups and downs in a relationship...

Besides the possiblity of things like lack of attraction, or affairs, etc... We need to realise that lack of intimacy in many cases happened naturally. One of the purpose of intercourse is to have babies, and when that goal is achieved, some might think - mission accomplished. Time to channel their energy for other things like computer games, work, work and more work. In contrary to popular belief, sex is not the only thing in our DH's mind. In the years since marriage, his rating for sex might have dropped, his position at work higher, his workload greater... and in a way, sex does tire them out physically!

Self reflection is also important. As a wife and a mother now, do we still bother to dress up? Do we have other things to talk about besides our children, and complaints about MIL, finances, cleanliness, maid, etc etc? Don't we already know, what topics switches them off? Similarly, what turns them on? When was the last time we initiate to go out for a date? When was the last time we took the initiative to turn them on? Or at least make it plainly understood that sex is on our minds? Also, in the times of despair, we should always try to remember, what was it that attracted us to each other? What was it that brought us together in the first place. Has this grow with the relationship? Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, we forget what's important. We are distracted by another person, a problem, or even MILs. But then, if we take all of those distraction away, do we still love our spouse, and wanna make it work?

A marriage, is like any other relationship, it takes both hands to clap. Friends and ex-colleagues that we do not bother to keep in touch and meet, often times are forgotten and become someone we used to know. Even the best of houses and cars would require regular maintenance, right? I used to complain of how life would be so boring if I leave it to DH. Well, maybe that's it - my role is to take the initiative and my DH participates - and we do have a good time, whether it's a date, an outing, a family holiday, etc. Instead of leaving things to chances (of misery), I take charge and do most of the planning.

I do realise that unfortunately, not all marriage will survive the test of time, children, and growth. But so long as we have tried and done our part, at least we won't have regrets, right? All the best to everyone, myself included!!
 
I'm having similar experience right now. Got married in May last year & had a baby in March this year. By right, we should be in the newly wed honeymoon period but my relationship with my hubby soured from the moment I got pregnant 2 months after our wedding. We kept quarreling over housework because he expects me to split the housework with him equally. He has never treated me well throughout my pregnancy & got worse after the baby arrived. I ask him to help to take care or do housework, he'll give me a black face. Doesn't want to do anything except to play with the baby.

My baby is coming to 6 months & we only had sex twice. We also hardly talk to each other except about baby matters. He keeps saying he's tired when he has shorter working hours & I'm the one taking care of baby & doing most of the housework!

I'm not sure what to do. I have thought of divorcing h countless times throughout our short marriage but I don't want my baby to grow up without a father.
 
shernice, hope u dun mind if i ask u some blunt n direct questions. did u n your hb marry on a happy note, how long did u knw one another before u two got married? was d pregnancy planned?

d best time to talk to a man is when he is in a relaxed mood. have u two find time to sit down n chat openly?

it can be everythng under d sky, dun tell him u wana sit down ntalk abt problems, juz find a special moment to chat wif him light heartedly?

hv u tried to dress up sexily to "seduce" him post baby? like u r in d mood for sex? if yes, wat were his reactions? if not, why not?

i understand u mayb in no mood for these as u r bogged down wif bb n household chores n work.

but u gotta try in some way or another before u decide.
 
Hi souless,

We were together for 7 years before we tied the knot. We had a lot of arguments while planning for the wedding but still went ahead. He was not those sensitive & caring guys to start off with but got worse after baby arrived.
We didn't exactly plan for the baby, just decided to let nature takes its course & didn't expect to fall pregnant so soon. I tried to initiate intimacy but he will ask me to go away. We had a huge fight over this & he said he's stressed out by the baby. He will even say things like he didn't want to have a baby when he's in a bad mood which really angers me.
I tried to talk things out but he also brushed me off.
Had another fight with him this morning & I told him I have given up & it's fine with me if he wants to separate. I'll take baby with me. No response from him at all. I don't even feel like seeing his face now.
 
Shernice

How was your HB like when you two were dating?

What is your occupation and what is his occupation?

Very superficially, I deduce that your HB is not ready for a baby. But that does not mean he has no feelings for you or baby. I think he maybe too overwhelmed with a new member to the family. Perhaps in his mind, he wanted to have some private moments with you after getting married.

It's not the end yet, patience .... or you could just shoot off the question to him that he is not ready for the baby, what does he want, if he is sick with the marriage, tell him you are happy to end it.
 
Cool down shernice, we always tend to say the wrong thing in a fit of anger and hence dont let this led u to make a decision that u might regret later....


Perhaps it will be better to have a calm talk with each other and discuss what went wrong and see what both of you can do to mend the relationship?
 
sometimes talking is not enough.

obviously, Shernice HB is trying to "avoid" her.

Instead of trying to talk matters out, you can experiment this.

Keep your cool, take care of bb and household chore on your own. Do not approach, or nag at your HB. Maintain your cool, at no cost display any sense of resentment or frustration. I know this is sooooooooooooooo tough. But do this for the next 5 days. And see what is the result.

I read this book call When Talking is Not Enough ... its very meaningful, and helpful. It helps to dissolve resentment and unhappiness between couples without the need to talk. Cause talking is an art, and its tought to talk when both people have their own agenda.

Right now, since your HB has refused to talk to you. Then don't force him to.

Live life on your own with bb. It's tough to shoulder such burden but let's take things a step at a time. It's only an experiment, do not expect any result - good or bad. Just time yourself, the next 5 days.
 
Personally i still think clear and open communication is the way to resolve the problem. Of course both parties must first be willing to open up and talk.

Perhaps a cooling period of 5 days will be good for both parties to calm down and have a talk thereafter.
 
I can't stand it anymore so whatsapp him this morning to thrash things out. End up he accused me of being a diva & he says I always threaten him when things don't go my way. He says I can do whatever I want, to end the marriage or not.
I asked him what does he want, I'll follow his wish & no response from him again. I saw on FB just now he's having a good time with his colleagues eating & laughing. I can't even eat or concentrate on my work (started a new job this week & he didn't wish me luck or ask me how's my day). I feel upset when I think about it. I'm in banking & he's in HR. He leaves on time so he's the one picking up baby from infantcare & I know he's angry about this. He doesn't care that I'm the one doing the housework after I knock off from my long hours job.
I dread having to see him later
 
oh banking job can be v stressful, longer working hrs while HR dept normally can leave on the dot. he shd be more understanding and be the one picking the baby.
 
Blurblur gal,

He blames me for staying late in office & for putting baby in infantcare. He wants to hire a maid to take care of baby but I'm worried as there's nobody at home to supervise. We always quarrel over this & he told me not to tell him I'm tired cos' I brought it upon myself & said I have to do the housework cos' I don't want a maid. I feel very disheartened to have such a husband but I tolerated all these. I'm at breaking point now cos' my efforts to improve relationship is always met with his "go away". Today I asked him does he think it's right to treat his wife like this & again, no response from him.
Sorry to keep ranting but I'm really at a loss now. I want to go counseling but he says I'm kicking up a big fuss. Now he just give black face & goes to the room when he sees me. I'm stressed out with new job & my marriage. Been crying the past few days & struggling to control my emotions at work.
 
huh...how can he blame u..its really v tiring for a woman wif kids plus work stress and long working hrs. ya i agree wif u not v safe to have maid wif no other ppl ard to supervise. Or u want to let your parents to talk to him?
 
Actually I told my in laws about some of our problems before & they talked to him. But he flew into a rage & said we ganged up against him. He even warned me that if I complain to his parents again, he'll leave home. My sister also offered to talk to him but don't think it'll work cos' he said my sister is a bad influence, expects a perfect husband & cause me to expect the same thing.
 
Hi Michael,

It's possible but our finances will be a bit stretched. We discussed about this before & he thinks it's ridiculous. I also think it's a waste of money as my house is quite small & the maid will have nothing to do when the baby is in infantcare.
But if the situation worsens, I may really reconsider it
 
Dear Shernice, I emphatise with your situation, but let me assure you, if I am in your position, I would choose infantcare over maid, anytime! I agree, some are very lucky to have found superb maids, but most of us won't be as lucky.

To share, a maid is likely to have come from a very different upbringing and background compared to us. In a first world country like Singapore, and people living in high rise buildings; our standards in terms of hygene and cleanliness can be very stark. And even if you manage to train your maid on this aspect; there is one thing you need to realise - a maid may help you to look after your child - but they will not be able to educate them. It is also quite risky putting a child with another adult on a 1-to-1 basis. Children may not appeal to everyone - especially when they are crying or throwing a tantrum. Even us the mother would sometimes want to scream when things becomes unbearable - what more a maid? What do you expect them to do? And btw, a maid will set you back by $1,000 per month. Minimum.

At a infantcare, although the attention ratio is higher, but the number of adults present would also be higher, hence there is an adult support group. You can concentrate on work knowing that your child is being cared for, fed, entertained, and educated. Your child is unlikely to be one of those running around the playground while someone is chasing behind with a spoon (dinner!).

Many expects that hiring a maid would be a "solve-it-all" but in reality, that is unlikely the case. You might need to start a thread then about "The stories of my maid!".

Perhaps it would be useful to find a time to tell your husband about your concerns. It is important to remember that your husband may not share nor agree with them; but nonetheless, they are your genuine concerns, and they are valid.

Try to structure a routine between yourself and your husband. Parenthood is a partnership. Perhaps you can send your child to infantcare every morning - gives you time to bond, and hopefully your husband time to sleep in, or goto work earlier. After your husband fetch your child in the evening, is it possible that he feeds and bathe the baby, and put the baby to bed? Babies' bedtime can be structured - some 6pm to 6am; some 8pm to 8am... so try to find out what works. Many SAHMs and FTWMs have found early bedtime crucial and most beneficial.

This way, by the time you get home (late), you can get some dinner on the way, or your husband can heat up or prepare some food. It is all your couple time. One night, do nothing. one night, do laundry. One night, do mopping, one night, couple night. It also makes weekend more fun other than just housework. Being in control will also help you feel less harrased and stressed. Hopefully, this will also help balance out the intimacy department. Remember, you still have a few nights unaccounted for <WINK>

You need to finetune your routines and see what works best for you. Remember, there is no time and situation more important and precious as NOW. Don't think that "I will be better when??? I will be better if....". You are here now. Make this work, make it count, and make the best out of present! Jia you! All the best.
 
I really understand n agree wif all the mummies here in this thread.
I myself also went through this tough period of time some yrs back. We almost divorced.
Me n my husband married young, n jus three months after my marriage I got pregnant unexpectedly. I think after the birth of my daughter my marriage went down the hill. I think wif all the financial burden n the lost of 'freedom' after marriage, my husband was cold towards me n bb. I thought of divorce almost every single day at that time, but I held on n things did went for the better after a year or two.
But after a few yrs later, I suspected of my DH having an affair wif his ex gf. But he insist they were jus friends. Friends that would go out alone to have dinner that type. I'm his wife n he nv took me out on dinner before. Almost got divorced too. But the thing that made me stay in the marriage is my daughter. She was only 3 when this happened. She's 9 now n she still could remember clearly how I fought wif her dad, n grabbing her n a luggage, taking the train late at nite to go to my mother's place. She doesn't even remember her best friend in kindergarten anymore, but I was surprise how vivid her memory is of the incident that took place 6yrs ago. I think I have left a scar in her heart for life. I felt bad.
But luckily things got better now, my husband treats me n my children better now. N I have gone on to have our second child n now a third one coming next yr. I guess the second child has rekindle our relationship as well.
Jus hang on mummies, most importantly, we must have gd self esteem. I used to think I looked ugly n fat n gave up on myself after giving birth to my eldest. My husband even commented that I look more like his older sister than a wife n I wasn't the same person he married yrs ago. I went on a transformation n I told myself I must love n respect myself more than anyone else. No one likes to be wif a low self esteem person. When I start loving myself again, I also found that my husband started to respect me again.
 
Cindy, I salute. Very encouraging and heartening to hear your story.

What is self-esteem, how do you define self-esteem? How did you manage to change? How and what did you do to bring up your self-esteem again?

I wish you and your family well.
 
Hi taitai, thanks.

My self esteem was about how I look at myself as in self worth.
Because I had gained more than 20kg after the birth of my first child yrs ago, i thought I would nv lose weight n go back to my pre pregnancy weight. I felt depressed. I stopped dressing up, putting on makeup which I used to when I step out of the house. I felt so fat n ugly, I jus dun see the importance of self image anymore.

But after a while, I realize my husband dun like to intro me to his friends anymore(when we bump into his friends in shopping mall). I asked him why one time, he admitted that he was ashamed to intro me because I dun look 'appropriate'. I was heart broken, so I always stood in one corner to avoid being seen wif him when we bump into his friends. But this did not trigger my desire to gain back my confidence. I jus took it as a fact that I will always look like this n there was nothing I could do about it.

But when I started to suspect my DH affair that is when I realize, I have to start gaining my confidence back. I have to find my old self back. It's not about being over weight or not looking great, it's about how I look at myself.
When he started comparing me to his ex gf, my heart jus broke. He told me that I looked like a 'obasang' n I was not the person he married a few yrs ago. His ex gf looked gorgeous n hot n I can nv compare to her. I told his sister a day later n hope she could help, but instead she blamed me. She told me his brother was right, I did look like 'obasang'. N I did not look like that before I married his brother. She told me she would also stray if she was him. She told me to lose weight n do something about myself before saving my marriage.

Those words tore me apart. It's a wake up call. I tried slimming pills n I managed to slim down but not to my pre pregnancy weight. But I jus dun feel great about myself yet. But I met a professor whom is a psychologist while I'm taking my part time degree course. He saw that I have low self esteem, I jus thought that I m not gd enough for my husband n I looked ugly. He told me no matter wat, go get your confidence back. So I realize it's how I look at myself. I kept telling myself I'm no gd. I started getting self help books n dolling myself up as I used to. I improved myself n I found my confidence. This time my husband thought I'm having affair.
I stopped asking where he went after work or who he was calling. I stopped sneaking around to check on his hp. I stopped asking if he still loves me, stopped threatening to kill myself or divorce n leaving wif our daughter if he dun stop seeing his ex gf.

I decided to stay in the marriage for the sake of my child, I pretended nothing happened. I guess wif the new found confidence, I felt invincible. I hang on to see if the marriage could work out anot.
It did. His ex got married n have kids n even though they still contact each other once in a while which he told me, I chose to trust him again. Since I dun have the evidence that he was straying.

Sorry for being so long winded. Jus like to share my experience n hope that mummies who have read my post can benefit from it. Divorce might not be the only solution, let it be the last option. Sometimes the wait n see approach does work depending on the severity of situation n our children do get affected the most during this hard time. I believe in happily ever after.
 
Hi Cindy,

Thanks for sharing. My sister also told me to groom myself. I have lost my pregnancy weight but can't get rid of my tummy &amp; stretch marks. My hubby commented that my tummy looks like a fat sea cucumber. Maybe I'm stubborn but I feel indignant that women have to look good to please men but they can let themselves go &amp; have a potbelly etc.
Actually I feel that things will improve between my hubby &amp; I if we get a maid so my friends told me to give in. But again I feel indignant that I have to give in at the expense of my baby's safety just to make my hubby happy.
We do have a part time maid who comes once a week but he's still not happy, keep saying a live-in maid is more value for money. My blood boils whenever I argue with him.
Everytime our cold wars end because I give in &amp; talk to him first. We had another fight yesterday which made me feel disheartened again. I was running a fever &amp; when I told him, all he said was " you better don't fall sick cos' you need to look after baby!" I had to do the household chores after reaching home &amp; no help offered by him. When I asked him to take over night feeding duty for me, he said no. It really
broke my heart.
I feel like I'm just an employee in the household. After my office day job, come home to start second shift doing the chores. By the time I get ready for bed, my hubby is akeeping already. &amp; I still need to wake up for night feeding.
I'm also hanging on for my baby's sake. Now I give in after every fight because I'm just too tired to persist with the cold war
 
Cindy

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's not at all long-winded. And now I understand a little better of what is call self-esteem and self-respect.

You turn the table in your favour, and live a life of your own and for your daughter. You have my respect.

Inspirational stories make my day.

Do give us an update of your well-being. Would love to hear more.
 
Hi Shernice, I totally understand how u feel now. I also went through similar scenario in the first few yrs of our marriage. I felt like I'm a single mother. I was giving part time tuition at hm then wif my mom coming to my place to help take care of bb while I give a few hrs tuition. I tried to earn some money because my husband didn't give me allowance then as we were poor n struggling. Felt like divorcing almost everyday.

I also like u, so sick of the fight n cold war almost everyday. I enjoyed the day wif my daughter at hm but when he comes hm at nite. It's war.

When I tried sharing my day wif him like how my tuition went n how bb tried to stand or how she would not take her porridge, or how I hope he would be more involve wif bb by playing more wif her n help to share house chores. He would flare up n thought I'm naggy. He told me he's already tired from work, still had to come hm n listen to all my nagging.
But I nv thought it was nagging. I thought I was jus sharing wif him how my day was. I jus like someone to talk to. He came hm every nite, ate his dinner, sat in front of the computer until it was bed time. No family time at nite at all. It was a daily routine for him.

Worse of all, I can't even talk about the problems wif my husband to my mom. I tried talking once to her abt it, she told me that's the price I have to pay for getting married at a young age. That's marriage, n I have to deal wif it.

But things got better when we got financially more stable n my daughter gets older. I guess my husband realize how much he had missed out in my daughter's life. Whenever relatives asked my husband how old my daughter was, he always got her age wrong. He practically forgets her birthday.

Shernice, it will be tough on u now. But just hold on. It may take yrs for things to get better. But I think if your DH is not physically abusive n he still loves u n bb n still wants this family, I think still have a chance for your marriage. Maybe your husband is trying to adjust life after marriage.

I also have stretch marks all over my belly. Now being pregnant my DH thought it looked like a watermelon. I really can't do anything about the stretch marks so I jus gave up.
U dun have to look gd jus to please your DH or anyone, u have to look gd to make yourself happy and confident. When u r happy n confident, u will find that the world is spinning at your fingertip. U have control n u feel a million bucks.

But I do wish u well n all the best! U have my support!
 
I really hate being a women, we sacrifice so much for our family, yet get so little love and respect from our other half.

We work, we take of our kids, we try to please our HB, yet .... all these men just go around f***** around, and feel nothing is wrong. When they are found out they just come back and ask for forgiveness.

What is this man!
 
Ya Taitai, sometimes I feel the same way too. But some men very hands on dad n devoted husband. Sadly my husband is not one of them.

My DH felt that since I'm the one who give birth to our children I should be the one bearing the responsibility to look after them. Didn't even get a thank you or a pat on the shoulder for all the hard work of raising the children, the discomfort of pregnancy n the pain during labor.

But I feel so tired of trying to get him to appreciate me more. I jus carry out all the duties as a mother n I know that at the end of the day, the children will be closer to me. I know because, when my children starts running to me when they r upset or hurt themselves or rather hold my hands than my DH when we go out, I know they r closer to me. Sometimes I could see that my DH is jealous/upset by this.
 
hi Cindy
thanks for your story. i'm sure it helps a lot of mommy here. I especially like the part where you share that after loving yourself again, you feel hubby is respecting you again. Maybe, you slowly try getting your kids to hold hands together with your hubby - I'm sure your hubby will feel even more appreciated. Maybe start little action at home first.. so he won't feel dejected if the kids reject. But slowly but surely.. if this persist on, your kids will change.. cos kids look at our actions too.
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I hope it works.

Mummy Shernice,
Sorry, Just giving my 2cents worth of thoughts. I'm not sure if you will agree with me. Do forgive me if U think my advise is not appropriate.
Well, i feel that engaging a full time maid will not solve the problems between you and hubby. You will continue to feel resentment if you give in and if things really doesn't work out, more arguments will surface. Guess 1st thing both of you may consider appreciating one another first
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- u might feel if look good to please men is "indignant" - but if looking good makes yourself also feel good - why not? I'm sure you also don't like looking like a "fat sea cucumber".. (faint, yr hubby also very good in describing things...zzz)
- live-in maid more value for money: Do you agree with this statement? If u do too.. hv you agree with him too..? (to shut his mouth.. haha) ... then state your views thereafter.. sometimes, as human, we just want to be "listened" to.
- blood boil whenever argue with him: there's already a pre-judgment. whatever his view is.. if it not what you want to hear, you already won't like it. Maybe also let him say whatever he wants to say first? (then slowly hantam it down.. )
- u better don't fall sick cos u need to look after baby: take it as a positive statement. Perhaps he's really concern about you. Just that hubby and wife for so many years.. words that come out of the mouth are not nice anymore. - maybe u just say.. Ya, i better don't fall sick, cos really so many things waiting for me.. (is there smaller little task that he can do? Is there occasions where he cannot really perform some task as good as you? slowly, he rather don't do anything - cos later kena again...)
what i've learn a very impt lesson is we should "accept" rather than "tolerate" our other half. 接受 not 忍受
I'm not sure if you would agree with me, hope you don't mind what i have commented.

Taitai.. u have anything that you wish to share?
 
Mummy Shernice - just to add on.. our tone when speaking also says a thousand words. Things like "Ya, i better don't fall sick, cos really so many things waiting for me..".. in different tone, results will be different. Agree?
 
I have to admit my HB dotes on my two boys alot. He really loves them, and the boys also prefer him to me. I am perfectly fine with it.

That's why even my HB does not love me, I am still willing to stay. Cause the kids' love for him, made me somehow less "hateful" of him.

In Shernice case, my personal view is that there are too much resentment between HB and wife. There is a lot of tension at home, thus, HB chose "switch-off" bochap. Men like to take the easy way out. They don't like to be worn down with domestic affairs. They like a no tension, less stressful home to come back to. And having an attractive lady to serve him is a bonus. That's the cheapness of men.

I opted to have a maid to care for my boys. I count myself lucky to find a very good maid to care for my kids when they were babies. There is no help from inlaws or my parents. Now my boys are older, they attend full-time childcare.

I still have maid to take of cooking and household chore. This saves me time for my boys and myself. I could spend time reading, shopping online, and even to sneak out to meet my friends at night for a couple of drinks. It gives me a sense of sanity. Sometimes, HB and I will go for late night supper to chat or discuss important matters.

Weigh the benefits, your HB maybe right. Try, and see the results. I think your HB needs your attention too, but the lack of it have made him resentful, hence, hurtful words spurt out from his mouth. Be patient with him, make your attractive, desirable not only to your HB but to other men. Gain confidence, love yourself ...
 
Hi mummylou,
Thanks for the advice, but just when I thought everything has settled down n I feel the happiest, something pops up again.

Just a few weeks ago, I found out that my DH has been up to something. He got to know this lady from the bank he frequents n gets her no. N starts chatting to her. His reason was that she is super friendly n it happens that she's always the one serving him when he goes to the bank. He knew all the ladies who works in the bank but this lady stands out because she has super customer service. Thus he asked for her no. Just to chat wif her.

I'm pretty upset by the whole situation n he told me he only chat wif her once ever since he got her no., no big deal. N I'm acting like it's the end of the world n he has no freedom in choosing his own friends. He got angry, n that is when I stopped questioning him.

I asked for my gf advice n she told me to close one eye since he wasn't really 'fooling around '. N since he has been treating me n the children very well, it's good to jus drop the matter for the moment. I also dun like to re-live the unhappy arguments we had years ago. The children will suffer too.

I ignored him for almost a week n he got very anxious n kept asking y. I guess he knew but he jus act blur to avoid the situation. I have not talked to him abt it ever since, but I'm extremely unhappy abt it. it jus bottled inside me.

I once asked him how he would feel if I were to do this to him, he told me he would be upset. But he told me he knew I would never do this to him. He told me this is his flaw n is something I have to accept. I hate to admit but I think going around taking other ladies' phone no. Is not a flaw but something is wrong.

I asked a few of my close gf n all adviced me to get a job n leave the kids in cc. So that I could be financial independent.
But I chose to be a SAHM for my kids, I would feel really bad if chose to work again. But my friends told me I have to sacrifice my kids for my happiness. I wonder if that is true. Since my children always revolve around me n a big part of my happiness comes from them.

N now preggy wif third one n due in feb next yr, I guess I will be dropping the idea of going back to work. But being a SAHM for so long, my social circle is so small. Sometimes I really think it's my fault for thinking too much. Maybe it's ok for my DH to go around getting no. From almost anyone.

I'm thinking of taking up classes in my neighborhood cc jus to widen my social circle. Maybe I wouldn't be so paranoid abt my DH behaviour.
 
Hi Cindy,

I see nothing wrong with you being upset with yr husband getting phone number from a woman. If I were you, I would be upset too. Moreover you are the mother of 3 kids( 1 still inside you), it doesn't make sense to me that he needs to get a number from a bank teller who provides excellent service. What is his motive? By getting contact number from other women just makes him feel that he is still attractive and he will take you for granted. You will never know when a man will stray and prevention is better than cure.

If he really loves you, he would stop getting phone number s from other women, rather than tell you that this is his flaw and you should accept it. In fact, he should change his flaw and stop taking you for granted. When men say such words, they are just being selfish and doesn't care how the wives feel. I can understand why yr friends tell u to work , so that if anything happens, you hv yr job to fall back on.

You need to protect yrself and make yr stand as a wife. Otherwise, yr husband will take advantage of you in the long run just cos you are not working and looking after the kids. If you read the other stories in this forum, you will notice most men takes their wives for granted. It is good to widen yr social circle taking up classes, so that yr husband will not think that yr world is only filled with him and yr kids only.
 
Hi moorspa,
Thanks for the advice. Your words r so encouraging. For a very long time, my husband has been making me feel that I'm the one who is wrong. N there's a part of me that feels guilty n felt there's something wrong wif me. I even thought of seeing a psychiatrist. He kept telling me he is already considered a very gd husband compared to all his friend who goes around getting prostitute n having affair behind their wives back. N yet their wives still very tolerant n take them back.

I have nv thought of him taking me for granted, now that u mention it, I think he really does.
But how can I make my stand? I really dun like confrontation, I dun like to argue wif him n whenever I talk to him abt this problem, he would get mad. I dun like the cold wars n especially in front of the kids. That's y I have put the matter to rest. But a part of me is feeling angry n wants to fight back, I'm jus not willing to let a man to make me feel like I'm not worthy.

I have already told him that he doesn't respect me as a wife but he told me I should be more tolerant, he has the right to choose his friends.

Really feeling lost n upset, but he jus blame the problem to me being preggy at the moment n super emotional.
 
Hi Cindy,

I hv been betrayed by my husband few yrs ago and I was like you believing my husband's words. When I look back, I learnt all those words are empty promises. I don't believe what yr husband says abt his friends' wives, nowadays women are not as tolerant as our mothers or grandmothers cos we know our rights as a human being to be respected.

What our mothers or grandmothers talked abt men being e breadwinner and the wife has to be submissive are not true. During their days, women are not being respected at all. We are supposed to serve and take care our husbands, if the husband strays, almost 99.9% of e people think the problems lies with the wife not satisfying the husband in bed. Well, it is more than that. When a spouse betrays, they are being thoughtless just like what yr husband does to you taking contact numbers from other women. Making a stand for yrself means drawing boundaries for yrself and yr husband. Couples shld not make each other uncomfortable or unhappy, and it shld be communicated at all times to solve whatever problems there could be.

You need not confront him since he is not happy with it. I am not very good at this cos I am still trying this out, but it helps to draw boundaries and it gives me peace. Most importantly, you must be happy and always think for yrself first. Women tend to give their all for the family and forgetting themselves, which happened to me. I am getting myself back slowly, so I hope you would not be in my shoes.

As long your husband respects you, the marriage will be a happier one. You need to get his respect for you as a mother and wife, I hv read a lot of stories from this forum and they hv helped me a lot. Searching on the Internet is also gd, you might want to read this link http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5515_qa.html which I find it quite helpful.
 


Cindy

These are the exact same words my HB said to me when he knew a Taiwanese woman during one of his overseas business trip.

I knew he likes this Taiwanese gal very very very much. I tried to talk him out from maintaining contact with her cause I sensed their relationship is more than friends. But he brushed me off like a housefly said that I was too sensitive, and he has the right to choose his friend.

Too much. I think all these men are just too much.
 
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