My son not close to me

[icekopi28]

Hi just need some advice from experience mummu...
my son is 1 yr old now... i breatfed him for 4 momths.. pple said breastfed baby closer to mummy.. but my son is never close to me since he born! I do everything for me.. breastfed, make milk, bath him, play with him, cook porridge, sing song with him.. but in the end, when daddy or my mum who take care of him in the day, are around, he just choose them over me.. even just simple thing like sit together to watch TV, he just choose his dad to sit with & lead on him.. even I just sitting next to him, he just ignore me... why is it he behave like that?? He'll play with me & we always play together happily.. but when come to seeking comfort he'll go his daddy.. the worst part is whenever he is scare or injuired himself and sleepy.. he'll look for his daddy for comfort... He only likes daddy to make him sleep!! I'm very very sad.. i do so much for him yet he just dun like me?? where my husband always raise voice on him or he dun really do so much cos he 's busy at his work... why?? I feel like giving up.. just carry on my life like last time when i dun have kid.. so carefree.. pls help & advice...

 

[pyopyo73]

Hi Michelle,

My son is like yours, now he is just before 2 years but he'll go to grandma when she is around. Only when she is not around, he'll come to me, I am #2 to my son. Sad right? After I did all for him, carried him for 9 months in my womb, breastfed a little, play, read, sing song, discipline and pacify, made him sleep and wake up in wee hours of morning to soothe him, take care of him when he was sick, etc.

But friends said no matter what children will know who is mummy, and will come back to your arms when they grow up, I wonder if this is true..

Michelle, I also wanna give up but just tolerate lor...whenever I can I will spend time with my son, alone. Try it out, cos my son slowly but surely is calling me more often now although grandma is still #1 to him. However, having said all these, discipline is still a must but get him to understand why you are disciplining him.

Never spoil or pamper him just because you want him back into your arms.

 

[pyopyo73]

Btw Michelle, let's persevere together ya, as I am still putting in effort everyday, it's not the best result yet but can see improvement liao.

Hope you can see yours with time given between you and son.

 

[soontobe]

Give ur kids some time, they r still young. My son also preferred his dad when I was doing everything for him. Now he is 3, he will always look for me for comfort n stick to me instead.

 

[icekopi28]

HI mummies
Thanks for all the encouragement!
Many pple also tell me that after some times, kid will look for mummy no matter what... but just funny that why he know when to look for his dad & grandma now? My colleagues told me that because my hubby big size.. so my son feel secure with him.. as I'm very petite.. but my mum also very small size type.. so this doesnt explain why he choose them over me... sigh... i'll just continue to do my part as a mother.. *sob sob*

 

[mummyto2]

If you are the main caregiver, then it's a bit unusual that your son would prefer someone else. But if you are a full time working mum and not the main caregiver, then it's not that uncommon. My son was also the same when he was small, between 2 full time working parents, he would prefer the father. It could be a boy thing, so dun need to worry too much.

 

[erineting]

Hi Michelle,

Dun worries too much, last time my son also was not close with me when he was 1yrs old until 3 yrs old time. Make me so sad at all...When my parents in law take care of him in the day, and he just choose them play and sleep with him...im so worries and sad if next time he not close with me.... after slowly growing up kids will know who is his father and mother, now a day he already 8 yrs old and close with us.

 

[moncheri03]

Hi Michelle,
When my boy around yr son age, he is also v attached to the grandma (my MIL) and my husband.
I'll always b his last choice as I'm always the bad guy or 'evil mother' as i am v strict with him, punish him when he is naughty esp now he is at his naughty stage, btw he is coming to 2.5 yrs.

Things got slightly better now after he attend playgroup @ 2 yrs old. So i believe yr son will change his attitude towards you.
Just continue what u have been doing - bathe, feed, read story bks and play with him.
I do encourage you spend some bonding time with him, just YOU and HIM ALONE, w/o yr husband or the granny around. For eg, i will bring my son for a short walk or place him in the tricycle and push him around d void deck or park.
I believe this help as he use to push me away when i wanted to carry him when he was younger. It makes me feel so sad

.
But things slowly improve after i spend more time with him alone.
Don't give up or feel too sad.
Jia You!

 

[pink_popsicles]

my 1yo son also like that. im still bfeeding him, so i feel he shld also b very close to me rite? but he would alwys prefer his daddy. would only come to me when want to latch to slp. he also called his daddy first! @_@
but i find he generally prefers males, i.e. with my brothers, uncles etc. so i try not to feel too upset abt things. hope things will get better!

 

[hugomum]

This happened to me when my boy is before 2 yo. He is so attached to the maid, anything he will go to the maid and daddy instead of me, i am the last option. But now he is turning 5 and we are closer automatically.

Don't worry, trust that they will overcome that stage and come to understand who do the most and sacrifice for them.

 

[icekopi28]

Hi all mummies
really appreciated all the advise from you all... thanks so much..

I feel better now... & yes! I'll continue to shower him with all my love.. even he not close to me "yet" ...

Thanks again!

 

[scratchhead]

Continue showering him with your love and someday he will appreciate it. Kids have a way of discerning who is good to/ loves them.

 

[tensilestrain]

Hi Michelle,
Just continue with what you are doing and find something that you and your son enjoy doing together.

I had the same feeling too when my boy was younger than 1 yo.

I also has a strong feeling that my hb n mil don't want my boy to be close to me. Since he was born, my mil had been saying 1 person alone cannot handle the baby, must have at least 2 persons. Almost everyday mil would come to my place. Whenever I breastfed my boy, she would came into my room and tell my boy to mum mum or tell him not enough milk. As long as she or the unmarried sil were around, my hb would get ready fm for my boy and forget I want to breastfeed. He gave the milk bottle to his mum or sis to feed. I thought he couldn't remember that I wanted to breastfeed until one day, when he was preparing fm again, he said there is nothing wrong with fm, it is more nutritious; furthermore, my boy still fell sick after breastfeeding; breast milk can build up immunity is nonsense. My heart sank when I heard him. Deep in my heart I knew they didn't want my boy to bond with me.

My boy was sent to infant care when he was 3 months old before my maternity leave ended. Not I wanted but hb insisted to let him get used to the life.

He scolded my family for bring my son out but allowed his unmarried sister to bring my son to playground.

Hb used his actions to let the whole world know I have no right to make decisions for my son but when no one is around, then he told me I can make decisions.

Hb told my family they have no rights to make decision for my son on his behalf. He even said they might have an accident when going out. After that, he told me he intend to let go and let his family and my family handle my boy when we are at their houses. Would I dare to let my family do it? Obviously not. But I wasn't even allowed to go near my son at mil's place, even when he was crying. It was always the unmarried sister who carried him. Newborns sleep a lot. But mil would purposely woke him up when he was sleeping in her room. Then she would secretly call her unmarried daughter in to play the role of mother. One day, mil was in the living room. I walked outside her room n heard my boy cried. I was going to open the door and she shouted her unmarried daughter was inside. Then my hb shouted impatiently, " let them handle lah!" I just opened the door and carried my son. I don't see anything wrong for me to carry my own son.

Even when my son started to recognise me, they also didn't allow him to look for me. If hb was around, mil would said babies wouldn't start to recognise people at such early stage. If hb not around or focused on other things, she would ask her daughters not to let my son see me or tell him don't look for me.

Sorry for talking so much of unrelated things.
But I just want to let you know, despite all the things done by my mil and hb, my boy is quite ok with me now. He will look for me when I am around. If I had let things be the way mil n hb wanted, I won't be surprised he would look for the unmarried sil instead of me. I am glad I fight for my rights.

 

[shirlenzo]

Apple, happy for you that you overcome the obstacles your mil had been giving . Sometimes I wonder where are the angels in their heart? Y did they explicitly hurt another's feeling? Especially that it's very cruel to try to let the child feel distant to the mom. Your mil herself is a mother too.
Babies are precious. Inevitably, adults start to feel possessive. Your hb and in laws are obsessed. When a baby arrived to the family, it can bond or break the couple. Ironically, we have seen many couples happily waiting for the arrival of their newborn. But after months / years into parenthood, the couple do not behave like couple anymore..
If your hb and yourself can think in-line, root cause is lifted. In-laws will have less domineering power. All the best.

 

[tensilestrain]

Cavier, too bad we don't think in-line. I doubt we will ever be. Hb commented before that it was good that my boy is ok to anyone carrying him. But to me, it wasn't good. That means any stranger can just carry him away if we are not careful.

The obstacles are still there, just that they are hidden. My boy is closer to me now compared to before. But I still need to work on it especially on discipline as he always pretend nothing happen when he did wrong acts. If there is no control in his discipline now, it will be more difficult when he is older. I also play some hand clapping games with my boy. I only play this game at home with him, not at other places.

At mil's place, even if sil is playing the role of my boy's mother, I make sure I am not invisible to my boy. I will sit near him and talk to him or play with him, just like how my mil did when I was breastfeeding him. I learnt to play an active role in bonding with my boy. When my mil came to my place to help look after my boy so I can focus on the housework, I learnt to call out for my boy once in a while so he knows I am at home.
When my boy shows interest in cleaning the floor, I get him to 'help' in the cleaning.
I think playing an active role really helps in the bonding. Hope things get better for all mummies and children.

 

[yvet]

I also had the same feeling, but I guess that we are getting too invloved in preparation for their day to day things, that we have very little time spent playing with them. Whereas on the other hand, daddy and mil are the ones accompanying them when they play or learn. We are like a discipline master to them. Eg, they are so into playing that we will shout for them to shower, to eat, to nap. Kids generally place play in priority to everything. So ended up, they are closer to daddy and mil.

But if you realise, when comes to "security", they will run to us.

I am also learning to deal with the fact that my son prefers my mil, but i tell myself that of course he prefers my mil, cos she gives in everything to him.. for his own good, i will still carry out the disciplining part. Only that I have now try to put down all misc stuff and spend the time with him when he is awake, only does the preparation when he sleeps. It is def tougher, as i dun gt to rest, but whe he starts to come to me more offen, i think all these are paid off!

Jia you mummies.