Relaxurmind
Active Member
Same2...my lil faced dat too.. all cnnt do.. haiz.. kids stress too... :/
cherrycheries
Member
Actually could it be the small small things?
My MIL appears to be very nice and gentle to other people. But I have also witness her raising voice at her MIL (my hubby's grandma). She also appear to follow what I say while taking care of or interacting with my child, but the truth is, she doesn't. When we let her take care of my child when she was a baby, my MIL would force feed her even when she doesn't want to eat. Not sure if that's the reason why she's now a picky eater. Now, she sometimes would feed my child with food, and did not inform us before hand (we're trying to keep to a schedule for our child, hoping to improve her eating habits).
She also comment on things like my child is getting thinner, and my husband is getting thinner, does he eat dinner at home etc..
There could be differences like these that causes tension
My hubby used to give his parents $500 for electricity, I give $100 for electricity and $500 for baby. It doesn't seem a lot, but on my side, I also need to provide for my parents, save for my child and for our own retirement a well..
loveholic
Active Member
Yessssss! The weekend wake up call! Hahaha! Me too, just that my MIL and FIL will just barge into our room at 7am, not on purpose to wake us, but to hang clothes at our window because the sun in our room is good *face palm* You know sometimes when you sleep in pjs the dress will roll up and if not inside the blanket, the panties will be exposed~ lol~ It was always so awkward
Sigh I know right!! My MIL and SIL used to just barge into the room, altho the door is obviously closed. I got so fed up I insist on my husband to go tell them that if they wanna come in when the door is closed, KNOCK. I respect your space, you respect mine also. That’s why now we lock the room door already.
Haiz. Really hate hate hate hate this whole situation zz
Hi Lin
U spoke to yr mum & she expressed her unhappiness or you observed that she is truly unhappy? I thought is impt how your mum feels. Generation of her age may not feel like how we do though i'm not saying that it is right that she is being 'bullied'.
I suppose there is no need 'outright' confrontation. If you see yr bro nvr washed the dishes, can just jokingly 'remind' him? During home conversation (eg after dinner etc.), you can always casually bring out some 'examples' (which you can claim is your colleagues shared with you etc.) and just talk abt it. I'm sure after sometime they will get the 'hint'. Every year, let your mum go for an overseas trip - to be fully sponsored by your bro & you. You can always tell yr bro is considered a break for your mum. Afterall, she has no MC, no annual leave, no bonuses etc for the wk done. During your mum's absence, let your bro & sil hv a taste of taking care of housework & child. Hopefully they will be more appreciative in future
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post.. She'll tell me a bit at times but most of the time,it's through our own observation. Sometimes my bro and sis in law would be out watching movies or with friends and leave my mum to look after the child from morning till midnight... or if my nephew's diaper is soiled, she'll tell my mum and expect her to change the diaper.... My bro is quite henpecked and my mum would be like "haiyah wish he'll grow a backbone...." She does go for trips yearly because I made it a point lol. And when she's not around, my bro is the babysitter and the house wouldn't be cleaned at all. In fact, I've seen them using the same bedsheets for four months....
Actually could it be the small small things?
My MIL appears to be very nice and gentle to other people. But I have also witness her raising voice at her MIL (my hubby's grandma). She also appear to follow what I say while taking care of or interacting with my child, but the truth is, she doesn't. When we let her take care of my child when she was a baby, my MIL would force feed her even when she doesn't want to eat. Not sure if that's the reason why she's now a picky eater. Now, she sometimes would feed my child with food, and did not inform us before hand (we're trying to keep to a schedule for our child, hoping to improve her eating habits).
She also comment on things like my child is getting thinner, and my husband is getting thinner, does he eat dinner at home etc..
There could be differences like these that causes tension
My hubby used to give his parents $500 for electricity, I give $100 for electricity and $500 for baby. It doesn't seem a lot, but on my side, I also need to provide for my parents, save for my child and for our own retirement a well..
I don't think so... cos that time I was always around when my mum was taking care of my nephew (I had several months off before I delivered) and she really followed step by step in all the babysitting method even when my sil wasn't around. Even till today, my nephew is 26 months and can self feed quite well, my sil will insist on spoon feeding and my mum would follow... I saw this when I went to visit her and sil wasn't around. My sil insisted putting marmite in all his meals even though the porridge has red dates and pumpkin and raised her voice at my mum when my mum reminded her that it's quite high in sodium... I was there too
I did sums for my mum.... 800 bucks barely covered utilities, household stuff and food ... especially since my bro, sil and nephew are all living and eating there...
Moira Lazaro
New Member
I guess MIL issues are common. You have to discuss the problem to your husband and let him talk to his mother. If she is still showing any negative attitude towards you, reach out to her in a nice way. If it doesn't work and she still keeps coming back to your house for your son, then let her and just stay quiet and calm. There is dignity in silence.
Relaxurmind
Active Member
True... theres alwyss a way to solve a probs..I guess MIL issues are common. You have to discuss the problem to your husband and let him talk to his mother. If she is still showing any negative attitude towards you, reach out to her in a nice way. If it doesn't work and she still keeps coming back to your house for your son, then let her and just stay quiet and calm. There is dignity in silence.
Can tell PIL if they want grandchildren they shld stop doing that. Morning success rates are higher. *winkwinkwink*Yessssss! The weekend wake up call! Hahaha! Me too, just that my MIL and FIL will just barge into our room at 7am, not on purpose to wake us, but to hang clothes at our window because the sun in our room is good *face palm* You know sometimes when you sleep in pjs the dress will roll up and if not inside the blanket, the panties will be exposed~ lol~ It was always so awkward
MistyCloud
Active Member
Lock your doors so that they cannot barge in? That's so rude!!
I believe my mil is the worst creature in this universal. I told my hubby i won't stay with her b4 marriage, i rather leave him if i have to. But cos of bb now, she stays in my hse 5 days a wk. My nitemare begins....
1) V bad habit of kpo others' things and 'steal' anything she wants. She opens every single stuff in my hse, like it just pack into her big trolley to bring back her hse during wkends. My bag, my wallet, my clothes, all 'touched' by her, toothpastes, toiletries, snacks, canned food etc missing every wk. She changes the order i put my things, i have a hard time re-arranging them. Well, my hubby told me this is the 'price' we have to pay for her to look after my bb.
2) Super cat. No $2 hongbao for my son n bb from her. No wedding gift from her. I married to her son foc. No wedding banquet. In short, she won't fork out a single cent from her own pocket to buy anything, even food for herself.
3) Eat like hungry ghost. Her record was hospitalised twice cos over eating and fainted. She worry others eat more than her. My maid cooks lunch n dinner. She will finish whatever dish she likes, sometimes only leave fish head n tail for me and my hubby.
4) Go toilet don't close door.
5) Whenever u try to explain something to her, she rebukes u and threatens 'u not happy, i don't come your hse, no one look after your bb, let u die.'
So many more.... type out the above i feel better now.
1) V bad habit of kpo others' things and 'steal' anything she wants. She opens every single stuff in my hse, like it just pack into her big trolley to bring back her hse during wkends. My bag, my wallet, my clothes, all 'touched' by her, toothpastes, toiletries, snacks, canned food etc missing every wk. She changes the order i put my things, i have a hard time re-arranging them. Well, my hubby told me this is the 'price' we have to pay for her to look after my bb.
2) Super cat. No $2 hongbao for my son n bb from her. No wedding gift from her. I married to her son foc. No wedding banquet. In short, she won't fork out a single cent from her own pocket to buy anything, even food for herself.
3) Eat like hungry ghost. Her record was hospitalised twice cos over eating and fainted. She worry others eat more than her. My maid cooks lunch n dinner. She will finish whatever dish she likes, sometimes only leave fish head n tail for me and my hubby.
4) Go toilet don't close door.
5) Whenever u try to explain something to her, she rebukes u and threatens 'u not happy, i don't come your hse, no one look after your bb, let u die.'
So many more.... type out the above i feel better now.
Her inital duty in my hse is to fetch my big boy to and fro childcare, feed him dinner after childcare and sleep with him. Daytime she accompany the maid n bb, cos i do not want to leave bb with the maid alone.
End up now, my hubby or maid or myself take turns to fetch my big boy cos she claims my boy dun want her to fetch. Furthermore walking 5 mins to n fro his childcare is too tiring for her. Btw she is only 56 this yr.
She does not feed my son dinner too. Also claim my son dun want her to feed. So maid feeds. She doesn't bother to check what ingredients my maid give to my son and how much she feed. Just busy watching the tv.
She does not feed my baby too. Just sit and watch the maid to feed milk and porridge. Wipe mouth etc all done by maid.
In short, she only show her presense in my hse, eat alot, steal alot, and sleep alot.
End up now, my hubby or maid or myself take turns to fetch my big boy cos she claims my boy dun want her to fetch. Furthermore walking 5 mins to n fro his childcare is too tiring for her. Btw she is only 56 this yr.
She does not feed my son dinner too. Also claim my son dun want her to feed. So maid feeds. She doesn't bother to check what ingredients my maid give to my son and how much she feed. Just busy watching the tv.
She does not feed my baby too. Just sit and watch the maid to feed milk and porridge. Wipe mouth etc all done by maid.
In short, she only show her presense in my hse, eat alot, steal alot, and sleep alot.
That's terrible! Seems like getting your maid to look after will be better off...
Since in that case, why not have a change in mindset that your MIL is here to "supervise" the maid since she can't do much?
pinkdoll
Member
Yes, your hubby is right. There is always a price to pay. I paid a price as well for 3 years. For me, we bring our maid and child over to my mum's house (i stay near my mum) every weekday morning. However, there were always problems with maid or with us fetching them late. We worked till 6pm sometimes a bit of OT and rushed over already 8pm. Still need to settle our own dinner as well. Thus, always have to endure the black face of my mum. Now with 2nd child I decided to stay home instead. No need to see each other everyday lesser conflicts also.
loveholic
Active Member
i truly agree with the 'price to pay' part.. its like because they are doing a favor for us, we have to 'repay' something in return, be it whether its putting up with their attitude or something.
which is why i have told my hubby that if we manage to have a kid, no way am i going to let his mum take care because knowing her, she will expect that kind of treatment and i dont believe in that.
which is why i have told my hubby that if we manage to have a kid, no way am i going to let his mum take care because knowing her, she will expect that kind of treatment and i dont believe in that.
My hubby says got her is better than no her. I told my hubby i will endure until my kids all grow up and i will never see her again this life. I will make sure my hubby and my kids do not see her too. I really have so much hatred in me. I swear by these words.
Whenever i buy something home, her eyes will be glued to the paperbag. If i do not hide it quickly, she def will explore it and it become hers again. She said to me ' this is my son's hse so i can touch everything. U not happy then i don't come, no one will look after your bb'.
Whenever i buy something home, her eyes will be glued to the paperbag. If i do not hide it quickly, she def will explore it and it become hers again. She said to me ' this is my son's hse so i can touch everything. U not happy then i don't come, no one will look after your bb'.
It seems like ur MIL really is of little help and not doing the things u had wanted her "help" with. If ur child is old enough to express himself already, u are better off with juz the helper alone with surveillance cameras in the house....IMHO
loveholic
Active Member
Personally, i think that your MIL feels that without her you wont be able to cope or something so she feels very 'powerful' about it and keep using the same thing to 'scare' you.
tensilestrain
Active Member
I agreed that got her is better than no her. But if i were you, because of what she said, i would prove to her that i can manage without her.
How about you buy sexy lingerie, condoms and vibrator for her to explore. See if she will still open the bags... Some suggestive photos would be fun too. Let them pai seh.
Actually the mother go through son stuff is very common especially for hse wives. My hubby mum does that. Letters and all... Drawers wardrobe, everything... It was very uncomfortable for me when I stayed there.
She will tell all the relatives if i do that. she once watched my relative expressed milk from pump. She told the whole family behind her back that her nipples become so long.
Then she told my hubby cannot buy prawns for my fil. He will become horny after eating, and wants to have xxx with her.
She is totally shameless.
Then she told my hubby cannot buy prawns for my fil. He will become horny after eating, and wants to have xxx with her.
She is totally shameless.
Just wanna share...
Cannot stand my Mother in law too! I have come to hate her more and more. Durin wedding had to kaypoh and wanted her ways..maybe that's why she's also til now very pushy. Wants her way when i hv children now. Cos i hv twins and needed help initially as i had gastric problems, as she live nearby so we asked if she could come over everyday to hlep out say during one mealtime, and stay a bit so i can make my own food or tabao lunch. But then she just came for the feeding and didnt even stay even though she knows she have to as agreed. Ok never mind..days past and nowadays she even even hv something to say when i yawn..that day when i yawned in front of her during when feeding bbs, she said out loud to me that if i need help i have to tell her, then i said ok..i need help now to mop the floor, she then took a look around and said ''huh..no need la looks so clean.' I was sooo angry, u are the one who said that i needed help and i have to say yes to people's help, then jolly well help when i asked for it now! Just fuxxxxg talk only!! Then also she is a smoker and everything of her smells extreme! And the way she gave food to my bbs using fingers..full of nicotine residue.i gave a fork to her but she still use her fingers. ..will continue again...more of ther stupid ways
Cannot stand my Mother in law too! I have come to hate her more and more. Durin wedding had to kaypoh and wanted her ways..maybe that's why she's also til now very pushy. Wants her way when i hv children now. Cos i hv twins and needed help initially as i had gastric problems, as she live nearby so we asked if she could come over everyday to hlep out say during one mealtime, and stay a bit so i can make my own food or tabao lunch. But then she just came for the feeding and didnt even stay even though she knows she have to as agreed. Ok never mind..days past and nowadays she even even hv something to say when i yawn..that day when i yawned in front of her during when feeding bbs, she said out loud to me that if i need help i have to tell her, then i said ok..i need help now to mop the floor, she then took a look around and said ''huh..no need la looks so clean.' I was sooo angry, u are the one who said that i needed help and i have to say yes to people's help, then jolly well help when i asked for it now! Just fuxxxxg talk only!! Then also she is a smoker and everything of her smells extreme! And the way she gave food to my bbs using fingers..full of nicotine residue.i gave a fork to her but she still use her fingers. ..will continue again...more of ther stupid ways
bridetob06
Member
Hi, just to share my thoughts. I have been shifting to stay with in laws after delivered my twins. we are linving in a 5rm flat, with husb's grandma, parents, unmarried aunty & my maid. total 8 of us with myself and my kids for over 10yrs. I am a full time working mom by the way. I think every MIL is the same? However, I don't care what my MIL is doing as long as she does not do it in front of me, or talk bad in front of me. I pretend to be blind & deaf at the same time whenever I am at home. In fact, I learn to appreciate the old folks at home and still respect them, it's because I think it's better to have more helpers around when you have young kids. My kids are now in lower primary, every day they help to fetch the kids from bus at downstair after school, get lunch for them and nag at them to do home works. So myself and hus will have peace of mind at work.
Ofcos sometime, I would get angry over some matters too as I am not a saint after all. I try to 'ren' and see openly "Kan Kai". Think positively instead of making myself suffered. I have learnt to ignore the nonsense, and now I find that living with them is not tough already. Just my sharing, personally feel that we really got to think widely , kan kai a bit and ignore. I tell myself I 'ren' for the sake of the kids, anyway it's not permanently staying there as I have my own house somewhere. But we need their helps now...bo bien lor.
Jia You everyone....tomorrow will be better ya
Ofcos sometime, I would get angry over some matters too as I am not a saint after all. I try to 'ren' and see openly "Kan Kai". Think positively instead of making myself suffered. I have learnt to ignore the nonsense, and now I find that living with them is not tough already. Just my sharing, personally feel that we really got to think widely , kan kai a bit and ignore. I tell myself I 'ren' for the sake of the kids, anyway it's not permanently staying there as I have my own house somewhere. But we need their helps now...bo bien lor.
Jia You everyone....tomorrow will be better ya
I am ftwm with 3 kids under 9, no maid. MIL just wants free lunch (literally!) and not "work". Had never cooked even plain rice or porridge for my kids, even when she was babysitting my first. Nowadays, every weekend, comes reporting personally or phone call before 9am. And does house inspection and tells my kids "wah, your mother never tidy up the house ah?" "Wah, your mother never fold the clothes ah?"... to which I would tell her, no, it is their father never do that, because the house is "not dirty/messy enough yet". And always go to the kitchen and check what I am doing, and in case it is not obvious, she will as "so, today you cook what good stuff for me to eat".... I of course, will go on strike and eat out every time she is near.
Hating is bad. It eats into you. So I try not to hate. But sometimes, I do have to VENT!!!
Hating is bad. It eats into you. So I try not to hate. But sometimes, I do have to VENT!!!
iwontbite2
Member
I have a super drama queen MIL. Even if not living with MIL, every weekend still have to drive down to her place to see her "pity" face bcos of his filial son. Every weekend she will complain the same thing about FIL, so her child would think that she is very pity. But in fact is her own problem, FIL never complain anything at all. Go to her place she won't bother to cook, always want to eat out..as always lazy. She never take care of my kid n complain that my kid born small size where other baby so chubby. Yesterday she ask my kid to say "I love you" to her bcos of Mother's Day...her face is so thick. If u all can control ur hubby by not seeing their MIL, I salute u all. Unfortunately I don't even have any say, if choose not to go will sure quarrel. But y must I do something that I do not like especially on the precious weekend where I can spend time rest n relax at home after 5 days of tired work. Yah, it is not good to hate but seems it's hard.
She quite 'open minded' ah can say this kind of stuff. I thot it might be awkward to say such stuff in front of ur own son. No meh???
I think people when they get older they have more unexpected "pattern". Also nothing much to say. I'm back staying w my mom after delivery of No.2, starting to see more interesting patterns. Think it's the age. Now I gotta train myself to ignore stuff my mom say some more.
richiemccaw
Member
Good on you! Gotta take the good with the bad... Boh bian.
krazimitzi
Member
To all you amazing people who can live with your ridiculous in-laws, I am so sorry for you!!! I don't have any advice in this area because to me, life is too short to put up with ridiculous people. NOTHING in this world can be possibly worth it. No relationship, for that matter. What's the point of being with a husband who cannot stand up for you, who isn't on YOUR side? You're a team, you fight for each others' best interests. Nothing else should be tolerated. A man who doesn't stick out his neck for you, isn't worth your love. I moved out on my own even when I was single because I don't believe we should live with our parents or worse, other people's parents! We're adults and we have our own way of doing things. Sure, financially it's hard. I pay more than half my income in rent, I am poor as shit but I can tell you most truthfully, even if you have to eat white rice and drink soup -- IT WILL BE SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT. Life is too short. Imagine you put up with it for 10 years, 20 years, all the while just waiting for them to die. In the meantime, YOU are the one who haven't truly lived. You don't even know what your life could have been. You just wasted 20 years of HAPPINESS. Gosh, I could never do that. I hope you all move out as quickly as you can! And if people are not worth being with, be it friends OR family, cut off all connections. Better to be in your own world and happy than frustrated and shorten your life or lose your joy in life.
tensilestrain
Active Member
I agree with you. Unfortunately, i only realised that after having my first boy and putting up with them for 10plus years. Don't know why i was so blind. Haha.
To cut the story short, i don't think i will cut off all connections. My sons still need to know who their grandma is. We still visit her weekly. She can still sit nearby and watch my children playing. But i am not going to be out of the picture anymore. I make sure i play the most important part in parenting all the time in her house.
But because there is still connections somewhere, so many still try to 'help me'.
To cut the story short, i don't think i will cut off all connections. My sons still need to know who their grandma is. We still visit her weekly. She can still sit nearby and watch my children playing. But i am not going to be out of the picture anymore. I make sure i play the most important part in parenting all the time in her house.
But because there is still connections somewhere, so many still try to 'help me'.
krazimitzi
Member
Good for you! I think it's important you take charge, after all you are the parent! If they want a kid again they can go and try IVF *LOL* They just don't know how to transition gracefully from parent to grandparent mode. Hahaha
tensilestrain
Active Member
Feeling emo now. Even though i am taking over all duties as mother now, there are still times that i need external help. Going to work till night tomorrow and can't fetch the boys. I could have asked my mum for help. But knowing her, she would ask me to approach mil first. So i told hb to ask his mum. She agreed. Then hb told her to tell his unmarried sis to come as well. Upon hearing it, i regretted . Why did i always allow people to stab me again and again?
The bad memory started to flood my mind. The fear is still there. I know i am alone. But i refuse to be defeated.
The bad memory started to flood my mind. The fear is still there. I know i am alone. But i refuse to be defeated.
As a working mum you can only do that much. I realised even if I dun sleep or eat or poop I still can't do everything. As much as I hate to admit it.
The fact is that as women we can't have it all...
Have a read >
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/
Can you don't work late? I can tell u my boss (a guy) doesn't care if I have kids or my kids are sick or what not...
He will call me at night, during maternity as long as he needs something. Not that I am complaining, I am paid a salary for it. And if it were a guy working for him he would do the same to. I don't expect special treatment.
There are some things we do not like when we engage external help but must learn to "let it go". It's difficult for me too, as I'm facing issue with my own mum. Who seems to be very eager to beat my toddler to "discipline" her. So far she hasn't lah, but she sure has lots to say about my toddler's discipline...
I can only let go and tell myself all in all as long as my kids are healthy, I don't have to be so high strung. They will grow up to be what they are.
Looking back at our own growth, (taken card be grandmother) we sure did nt get world class childcare/positive reinforcement/all that jazz. We all turned out to be decent human beings.
Either you talk to your mom say I really need your help or you make do and "accept" one offs. Life is short to regret over everything. I used to overthink all these and it only made myself miserable. Thinking that I'm not doing good enuff. But you know, from a mom to a mom I know you are doing your very best!!!
They are all the same. It is THEIR grandchild, THEIR SON's son. DILs are the by-product of which the grandchildren are conceived. My MIL used to get my firstborn to call her "Mah Mah"... "because she cannot say Amah... so Ma-ma also can, lah." Wah, those blood boiling moments!
pinkylove
Active Member
I would burst ! imagine she snatch the moment of mama calling from your kids and to acknowledge as calling her.
my LO can call out mama sometimes, but she always brush the term off as : Oh ... you want mum-mum?? ( Food )
*sick*
Mayochuu
Active Member
Does your husband know that his mum is doing this?
tensilestrain
Active Member
Thanks, shoppixe. I agree that mummy can't do everything and life is too short for regrets. At the end of that day, it was just another day. I do overthink things sometimes. Yes, I am doing my very best. Afterall, both my mil and mother are not young anymore. I need to be more independent.
I don't expect special treatment at work too. Special treatment = work compromised = no good work report
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tensilestrain
Active Member
I am not staying with in laws. But i had similar problem since my elder boy was an infant.
I learnt from my mil and decided to bond with my boy in similar way in front of her. Slowly, the frequency of her doing it in front of me reduced. But i know, if i am not around, she would still do it.
pinkylove
Active Member
my hubby knows about it.. he said that there are times his mom also teach my bb to call mama...
but I told him, its like 1 time out of 50 times...
pinkylove
Active Member
oh, what was your mil reaction when you do the same in front of her?
I m wondering, what will be my mil reaction if I do it?
I'm sure it doesn't feel good... But ah your baby will learn to call you sooner or later mah... Pls don't be too affected. Else it would only strain your relationship with your hubby. Important thing is still your baby health.
My toddler is in a very difficult stage right now, whenever she calls anyone, we make a joke of it say "wah U r lucky ah... Baby wan u!"
My toddler is in a very difficult stage right now, whenever she calls anyone, we make a joke of it say "wah U r lucky ah... Baby wan u!"
pinkylove
Active Member
shoppixe, thx for your advice. you are right, most impt is my baby health
btw, do u still with your in laws?
Now I stay w my parents so I'm sandwiched between my parents and hubby sometimes. It's not nice being in between so I can emphatise w ur hubby. Both hubby and me have demanding jobs so last thing we want is more drama at home. Need to pick and choose ur battles.
One night, My toddler did the sweetest thing she chased everyone out of her room and declared she only wants mama. I wanted to cry cos I was so tired all I wanted to sleep. In e end she play play until 11pm. I had less than 3 hrs of sleep before my 2nd kid woke up wanted milk. (I'm breastfeeding my second). Next day still had to work.
At that time a small part of me was like "why y call mama?! Don't call me lah, call papa call papa!"
Mother's love is unconditional. Regardless if our kids call us anot ah...
One night, My toddler did the sweetest thing she chased everyone out of her room and declared she only wants mama. I wanted to cry cos I was so tired all I wanted to sleep. In e end she play play until 11pm. I had less than 3 hrs of sleep before my 2nd kid woke up wanted milk. (I'm breastfeeding my second). Next day still had to work.
At that time a small part of me was like "why y call mama?! Don't call me lah, call papa call papa!"
Mother's love is unconditional. Regardless if our kids call us anot ah...
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pinkylove
Active Member
I agree with you. this sentence touches my heart.
Me and my hubby work long hours and the time we spend at home with my baby is only a few hours before its bedtime.
Indeed its really taxing and I agree, after a long day at work, we simply want to avoid further drama to tire ourselves further
My mother in law, despite the very short 1-2 hours I get to see her every night, like to pick up a line and openly show her attitude with her Justice Bao face
Its really not a comforting scene to end a day's work, to reach home, with a mother in law who gives you a Justice Bao face, snatches your time with your baby ( which I have rush through my dinner and shower ) just to catch more time for bonding.
I have always believe that Mother role and bond will never be change, despite our kids call us Mama or not. Just that I have always hope my Motherhood is less of facing black face and preventing my baby to be in a tug-of war on growing up. ( from bathing, feeding, changing, sleeping together, teaching, my mother in law seems to be overly enthusiastic involved )
tensilestrain
Active Member
She did not react much. I was only teaching my boy to call me just like how she was doing. I can't change her but i was not comfortable with what she did. I could only change myself.oh, what was your mil reaction when you do the same in front of her?
I m wondering, what will be my mil reaction if I do it?
I think you are over simplifying things. For some it's not even a matter of affording luxury life. Real fact: cost of living in Singapore is rising. Besides worrying about current lifestyle, there's life in the next 10-20 years to consider. We need to save up for the future. The income now is for a secured future.
You are lucky, you can find a job working from home. Not all of us are. For myself I work in a male dominated environment. It is unreal to expect that just because I have children I can cut back hours, work flexi. I've thought about it, I even went to my HR. My HR told me, this will set back my career, am I sure? Unfortunately in our 30s these are the best years of one's career. It's a tough choice. I'm not saying our children's formative years are not important. Unfortunately in life women can't have it all...
We just need to make tough choices as they are and stick to it. What the future holds, who knows?
We do our best and you know, One day our kids in their teens will say "I hate you, you don't understand me?!" Oh well, I know I did that too.
Maybe it's just me, but women who aren't financially independent have real risks. What if your husband trade you in for a "newer model"? At that point you can't even have your kids. I do have a loving husband now but the future, who knows? Maybe I'm just overly cynical.
Mayochuu
Active Member
Hi shoppixe,
You are not alone, I agree on this point.
And there are also many mums who prefers to work for many other reasons. But the people in our society now just depicts it so much like mums who choose to go out and work is less committed to their child! Which is not always true.
tensilestrain
Active Member
I agree that women must be financially independent if possible. I had seen a mil scolding her dil at void deck, saying that she took her son's hard earned money to give to her 娘家secretly. At that moment, i told myself i have to be financially independent, at least it is important when i need to support my family.
tensilestrain
Active Member
Pinkylove,
I feel you even though i was not given any black face. I had overly- enthusiastic-involved in laws, not just mil but the whole family.
My elder boy is 4 years old. Too many things happen in these 4 years. I no longer believe that mother role and bond will never change. It will never change if i can play a part in the role and has chances to bond with my children. If people deny me of my role and bonding time totally but gave another woman all the rights to do so, wouldn't the role and bond change? Many people said how many more years can your mil live. True. I didn't mind her doing my role or bonding with my boy until i realised she wanted her daughter to take over mother role and bonding and denied me of any. I mind. I mind my boy telling me i had never care for him but his ergu is more concern about him when he is in his teens.
She taught my boy to call ah mah. Fine, she should.
She didn't teach him to call mama. Never mind, i can teach him myself.
She only taught him to call papa once in a while. Well, fair enough.
She not only taught him to call ergu but also told him how good and important she is in his life, continuously for hours. Something not too right. Should i continue to sit aside like invisible mother while my mil sang to my son the good things that her daughter did for him. I decided to change myself.
Eversince i change myself to be more active in my role and bonding, i see more than what i used to understand. It takes time to build bonding. I need to work but i play mother role actively when not working. I see the difference. At least, now i know i tried my best even though he may still say i do not care for him as much as his ergu.
I see the changes in my hb too. He used to just sit aside like a dummy at my mum's house just like how he had instructed me to do at his mum's house. Think of it, he walked his talk. He had been doing it at his mum's house too and whenever she or his sister were around. Because i am 'overly involved' in mother role and bonding, he decided to step in and play a part in his father role and bonding.
I don't sandwich my hb anymore if he ever was. I just play mother role actively whenever i can and not be hindered by anyone who tries to stop me from doing it.
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"He used to just sit aside like a dummy at my mum's house just like how he had instructed me to do at his mum's house."
This I haven't heard before, a husband asking wife to bo chup the child. More often I'm left alone w the crying baby. Everyone Siam, yes including the husband. I have to specifically ask my husband to come in and brave thru the storm together...
Penny for thot, before we were mothers, we were wives, before we were wives, we were individuals. Besides being a mother, a wife, it's important to be ourselves and take care of ourselves too. So give urself a pat on the back and take 5 mins today to be alone, enjoy the time & chill... (5mins is all I can afford daily)
This I haven't heard before, a husband asking wife to bo chup the child. More often I'm left alone w the crying baby. Everyone Siam, yes including the husband. I have to specifically ask my husband to come in and brave thru the storm together...
Penny for thot, before we were mothers, we were wives, before we were wives, we were individuals. Besides being a mother, a wife, it's important to be ourselves and take care of ourselves too. So give urself a pat on the back and take 5 mins today to be alone, enjoy the time & chill... (5mins is all I can afford daily)