MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

Hi Sing Yee,
Oh boy, reading what you wrote reminds me of my dilemma I'm in months ago.

Well, I think it's good to host many communication session with your MIL together with your husband. Post questions which you are concerned like 'breastfeeding', 'bathing & washing hair' etc and see what's your MIL take. Good to get your husband involve so that he's aware of his mum's reaction and thus you have more bargaining power. Another thing you can do is that after your antenatal class, share with your MIL about what you learn and what docs says. If she is in doubt on any points, show her books or state evident. In this case, she is aware of the 'modern' babysitting methods.

If after all your efforts, you are still uncomfortable about your MIL, make known to your husband. If your husband is doubtful, show him our stories here. I think postnatal blues and my experiences should be good examples of what both of you can avoid.

To turn her down nicely, maybe you can emphasise your decision on BF and that in order to succeed, you need plenty of rest and you would be hands off housework and taking care of baby unless you are feeding. And keep emphasising on taking care of baby at night.... very tedious.

Afraid to disappoint you but one thing to note is that MIL will always be in the picture. What you can do is to prepare yourself mentally of her role towards your child after the confinement and also you going back to work. I regretted not keeping this in mind.

Just some tots of mine and my apologies if I offended you in anyway.
 


Sing Yee,
Since you already have a maid, then can tell your MIL don't need to come and help. It is only one baby, don't need 3 adults to take care, right ? Right after you gave birth you will feel even worst from the painful stitches. So you need to stay happy in order to go through all this. Is your MIL the educated/working kind ? Or the stay-at-home mum ?

I am lucky that my MIL is the super lazy type. She had been working and her 3 children were brought up by her servants. When we asked her to take care of the baby, she says she is very scared.
 
Hi Emonster,
i find your suggestions helpful in fact. I don't communicate much with my MIL cos we dun that many common topics to talk abt. And sometimes my hubby doesn't tell me much abt what goes on so i find it even harder to start any conversation topic. it's a good idea to bring up what the doc say and what i learn to see whether we will clash and i guess my hubby will be able to hear for himself whether it is a good idea. like all pple, we always trust our own mothers best so he trust his and i m not surprised.

i think having one more person ard when u want to do BF seems to be inconvenient. It seems like an useful point to emphasise.

I know that I have to accept MIL in the picture somehow. I just need to make sure that I minimise our chances for conflict esp twds taking care of baby. At the end of the day, i just have to remind myself that she always wants the best for the baby.

Can i just ask you what was the final arrangement you took?

Tamarind,
Will a maid be sufficient cos the maid may not know how to take care of babies. But i m thinking if i intend to BF, then i will actually end up taking care of baby most of the time so that should be alright right?

My MIL is not really educated. So one thing i m afraid is that she will have a lot of those old wives tales that she want me to follow. Luckily, my hubby is more a logic person and if he thinks it's silly, he won't follow (he almost din want to do the customary stuff cos he see no point in them!). She's still working now but she doesn't have work to do all the time so she say she's free at the start of the year and can come help.

I think i sound very ungrateful that someone offers help and i m griping about it. But i m just afriad that this will open up doors to conflicts and i don't want to affect my r/s with my husband becos of such reasons.
 
Hi Tamarind,

Not to offend. It doesn't matter whether mil is educated/working kind or stay-at-home mum cos my mum is the stay-at-home one but she is an expert in caring for the bb whereas my mil is the working one but she could make those stupid remarks that 'breastmilk is thin' so not filling enough for bb. My mil ever told me once if she do my confinement at my own place she will not allow me to wash my hair and put alot of ginger in my dishes (thank goodness I did my confinement at my mum's place).

Hi Emonster,
Lucky you can carry your bb into your room if u dun like it cos mil stays with u so she or ur husband has no excuse to say mil dun get the chance to see her grandchild. My mil also did the same thing ie coughing but I dunno if she covers her mouth or not but I had to pretend not to hear or do anything. When I complain to my mum she just tell be tolerate. I think there is something wrong with hotmail account today so I can't send u an email to pour out our sorrows.

Hi Sing Yee,
u are just like me last time. ie on ok relation (those that can sit and eat together)with mil but nothing much to talk about. If I can turn back the clock I would opt for a CL cos they are experts and u will get to learn from them. Antenatal class may help but u will have the hands on when the bb actually arrives and u may have forgotten whatever u have learned in the antenatal class (I think so cos I attended the crash course given by hospitals after I gave birth and I totally forgotten how to handle). The new bb are much different from the bb of our generation cos my mum told me my daughter is smarter than last time bb (my 2 other nephews). I agree with Tamarind and Emonster that after birth u need to be comfortable because confinement is not easy to go through. Bottom line is u must be comfortable during ur confinement. Also another thing is once u let ur mil take care of ur bb after u return to work, are u prepared to see her staying at ur place on weekdays (not sure if she is going home on weekends...if my mil take care, I am sure she will be at our place 24x7) unless ur mil is those type who prefer to return to her own place at night. If u let ur mum take care are u ok with putting ur bb at ur mum's place and u bring ur bb home on weekends (I wished I have this choice but apparently my mum's health does not allow it). Does ur husband goes on business trips? If he does, u can have the excuse of staying at ur mum's place (if ur mum bbsits). If u are very determines to let ur mum take care then that would motivate u to wake up early and send ur bb to ur mum's place before going to work (this is what is happening to me but my distance to mum's place is abt 15mins drive). One thing is keep reminding myself not to complain very tiring cos this would give ur husband a chance to say 'see I told u so...'. If ur husband insists on his mum to take care then forewarn him things that emonsters and myself have been through and u dun wish for him to be put in a difficult position.

Just a suggestion maybe u can ask mil to stay with u for 1 mth and see both comfortable to see each other everyday. :)
 
Hi Postnatal blues,

If I can convince my hubby to look at the benefits of having the CL instead of the cost, i would be very happy. But cos of CNY, my CL wd cost me at least 2.2K I also think having a CL wd be much better than having maid or MIL as CL is much more experienced. And if i have maid, i can ask the CL to train the maid for my next kid (learn from my boss one).

How shd i get the idea across to my hubby that he shd let me decide the options for my confinement since i m the one gng thru it and my comfort is the most impt? Of cos, in doing so, i m indirectly rejecting his mum's help and i dunno what he will say to that.
i have brought up the issue of MIL staying over at our place if she looks after the bb once i return to work. he said that won't happen but no guarantee right? one thing is if i get a maid, the maid will occupy my spare bedroom so harder for MIL to stay over

i stay in the east and my mum stays in the west so it's really too difficult to ask my mum to look after bb. and i prefer to bring my bb home everyday.

my hubby's work doesn't require him to travel now. but he knows that if he goes abroad for work or reservist, i will want to go home to stay.
 
Dear emonster, postnatal blue and Sing Yee,
I went through what you three went through.

In summary, MIL and I was okay until I have first kid (their first grandkid) last March, stayed with PIL, MIL is my confinement lady, I saw all the ridiculous (and definitely unhygenic) things done to the little one and MIL taking care of little one after I went back to work. I wanted to get a nanny or maid to take care of my precious...anything...just do not want MIL to touch my precious. But no avail.

I complained, bitch and bitch to my husband (same thing as waht you all had complained to the your husbands.) I even thought of getting a divorce since I am financially independent. My mother can help me take care of my kid (Though my mother strongly discouraged on the divorce).

All I can say now is I was lucky I did not get a maid/nannny. I actually see maids shaking a young baby vigorously just to keep the baby quiet in a shopping mall!

MIL taking care of precious... I save $$$ and is assured that someone (not an outsider) is taking care of my precious. MIL is not educated at all (She taught my girl B is for Cat) but I thought... no problem. Let my little one go and realize the mistake. Also, MIL is those old fashion lady and thus my gril actually is quite well mannered (call auntie, uncle etc) and smile at others.
Unhygenic? treat it as building up her immunity.

Of course, there are still disagreement now and then but I tell my hubby. Sometimes, PIL may not understand what I want and I will show by doing the thing. They see and observe.

Just remember, they are not outsiders. They meant well too. PIL dote on our kid, they respect us... the DILs.
 
emonster (emonster)
oh, my mil is staying at my house. there have been so much problems and i am not sure if i could still close my eyes and tolerate more!

oh, you have good idea! Put ants there. My MIL loves to give glucose to my baby because she say baby too heaty.

last week, we argued about pacifier. She loves to stuff pacifier in my baby's mouth , as and when she need "timeout". When my hb told her i dislike pacifier, she was not happy with me and make a lot of funny comments. Then my hb told her that i dislike her to feed / let bb try outside (foodcourt) food, she just broke down!!!

And I told her that i saw her feeding baby, and there was egg white as evidence. She kept quiet, and prior to her crying ,she defended herself that baby after eating those stuffs also is well, no diarrhoea , no problems ....


Sing Yee,
i was in your position. I know that i wanted a confinement nanny. It was decided by my FIL tat my mil will be the one to help me out. Anyway, after much discussion with my hb, we decide to get a CL. i should say that the CL is good. She is pro breastfeeding, and she gave me a balanced diet , unlike my mil who wanted me to eat whatever intestine. Also my MIL has no idea on how to dismantle and assemble the breast pump! Can you imagine that? Thankfully my CL is an experience person.

It was until my CL left that my supply dropped drastically due to those terrible comments my MIL made. If not , I would have continued my breastfeeding till today.

Furthermore these old folks really have no idea of the UP TO DATE bringing up of infants. They like to stick to their old ideas , old way of bringing up infants .. etc.
 
Hi Sing Yee,
So glad that you have already prepared yourself that MIL will always be around and has the best interest for baby. I did not get tuned to this and thus have more problems accepting the reality.

The first 1 month, I did not do direct latch on, I fed baby EBM. Only because she often wakes up for milk at nite, then my husband requested me to do direct latch. With people around, it is very difficult to feed baby in privacy. So in the end, I do it everywhere, and yes, both MIL and SIL knows how my boobs look like. hehe, find the idea quite gross but, heck it lah, no choice...

No final arrangements, I just sticked to the original plan. After sometime, I realised that I might be too rigid and have been too hard on myself and the others. I weight the pro and cons of getting a maid or infant care but still find that MIL taking care of baby is still best.

Most importantly, you must be comfortable with all the arrangements. If you find that you are more happy with a CL, don't be afraid to fight for it, explain to your husband that it is a good month for your MIL to learn valuable skills from CL and also good time for you to gauge on her ability.
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Sing Yee,
My maid is much better at taking care of babies than me. She can handle a new born all by herself during the day, plus cooking for herself and cleaning and washing the clothes, so I don't have to do anything in the day. But I sleep with my baby at night and do the night feedings. For confinement food I ordered from a caterer. If your maid is inexperienced, it is a good idea to get a CL to train her like you said.

Anyway a newborn will sleep most of the time for the first 1 - 2 months, so there is nothing much to do, especially if you breastfeed, don't even need to wash bottles. Just have to bathe him once a day, and change diapers a few times. Try not to carry him a lot. When he is sleepy, just put him down, don't rock him to sleep in your arms or else he will get used to it.

I agree with emonster that you should just do what makes you happy and comfortable. Other people will say a lot of things and we can't control what they say, so just simply ignore them. If you just go ahead to engage a CL, what can she do right ?

postnatal blues,
I think most educated mils should be more sensible. But then there are always exceptions. My mil was working as a midwife in KKH, she bathe during her confinement. She never told me what to do during my confinement, I think its more like she don't care. So it seems like your mil cares more about you. My mother also freak out when I wash my hair and bathe everyday during my confinement, but I just ignore her. She was OK when she saw that I didn't die.
 
Hi Tamarind,
My mil later stopped making noise cos she sees me pulling long face when I see her. So I guess ur mil din say anything cos she knows u wont be happy to her remarks. :)

Sing Yee,
u can still have a maid but u just need someone u know (eg ur mil or mum) to be around to watch over them. Age is catching up on Mil or ur mum hence letting them do all the housework and taking care of the bb can be tiring (in other words their responses abit slow liao). But dun depend on ur maid totally cos they will choose the easy way out ie give bb the pacifier regardless of whether awake or not. The plus thing to have maid is we can tell them not to do this or that...easier than to mil or mum. Dun be concerned abt costs. If these are money need to be spent then spend it. U can show to ur husband the pros of CL (make sure u get one that is highly recommended). Sound out how professional is mil in handling bb eg. ask if she dares to bathe a new born bb...maybe ask for a demonstration. Where does ur mil stays? If she stays nearby then probably she may not stay over. But if she is staying faraway then she may find travelling to and fro inconvenient. U can sound out if mil has the intention to move in (I din cos all these never cross my mind). If u used to going back to ur mum's place when husband is outstationed, then u have to prepare urself u wont have that priviledge anymore cos ur mil is taking care of ur bb. Oh! If mil stays over plus point is u dun have to rush home from work to take over the shift :)


Hi staywithmil,
My mum also feeds my bb gal with pacifier when putting her to sleep in the daytime but I dun do it at night unless her crying is really out of control. What my mum told me is we have to remove the pacifier once the bb is sleeping so that our bb wont develop a habit to having the pacifier stuck in their mouth also making them giving up would be easier. Maybe u can tell ur mil to use it only when putting bb to sleep. To get timeout, maybe cooling teether could help for a few minutes. About outside food, I see my uncle and auntie feeding their grandchild (less than 1 year old) outside food. I dunno if I am ok with feeding my bb with outside food cos once they are used to outside food (msg etc) they would reject homecooked one. I guess I would be biased. I am ok if my mum feeds her but if mil...
 
oh! Daugther in Laws, I am really looking forward to that day when I can tolerate seeing mil around. Cos I hate my current attitude alot. Reason being mil would be happy going home cos she achieved her objective of seeing her grandhild while I am sulking and pissing off.
 
I must say reading all these gave me the encouragement that i need and the conviction that i shd push for what i want.

must really thank all the good and well meaning advice from everyone.

Tamarind, postnatal blues, emonster,
i finally got my way on having a CL. i guess the topic of not having MIL over always seems touchy to my hubby cos he seems to think i m biased (maybe I am?) but he did give in after i started crying. i guess i felt a bit sad that my hubby din think of it from my point of view. as this is the first kid, i want to make sure i get the best arrangement and learn from the experience. like wat postnatal blues say, if it's just about cost, it should not take priority now.

Daughter in Laws,
i agree with u that no PIL will do harm to their grandkid and they would also want the best. Maybe my imagination is a bit overactive now. I got pregnant not too long after i got married so i can't really tell what my MIL is like when it comes to bringing up kids. i guess at the end of the day, i m just afraid that if i let her care for the baby, she may teach the baby things that i dun approve of.

Tamarind,
is your maid indonesian or filipino? my fren got a maid who used to babysit so now her maid takes care of the baby when she goes to work. her mum will just pop by once in a while. how did u train your maid to take care of the baby?

Postnatal blues,
i have already hinted to my hubby that his mum may stay over if she takes care of the baby though he say he won't let that happen. men may change their lines when the time comes right? she doesn't stay that near me (about 20 min by car and she doesn't drive). So i do hope she won't want to come up everyday cos of the inconvenience.

sometimes i m just wondering is it the hormones that's causing me to feel all these feelings.... i do feel a bit horrible with myself that i feel this way towards my MIL but i can't help but imagine all the things like she may want to stay over if she comes to look after the baby etc.... and i know that in the long run, the person who suffer is my hubby cos i will put him in a difficult position.
 
Sing Yee,
I don't have to train my maid because she is already very experienced. She has taken care of 3 children including one small baby on her own when she worked in KL. In Singapore she also took care of 3 babies for a family with help from the grandma. She is good at feeding baby who are very difficult to feed. I also have to learn from her. She is Indonesian. I really have no patience to train a new maid. I had new maids before and I nearly vomit blood, send her back after a few days. If you are like me you should try to find one who is experienced.

Good to know that you get your CL. Just insist on your way and don't think too much about other people. Jia you !
 
Hi Gals,

was reading your thread and count myself really lucky that I didn't have to deal with my MIL during my confinement. Thank God hubby extended her stay with my SIL in New Caledonia. As my mum was doing my confineemnt, he doesn't want his mum around to past snide remarks or comment the way my mother was doing things. In fact, my confinement was good cos' I had my mum, my maid and my sis's maid who was really good to help me out and train my maid. When MIL returned, I was very edgy abt her carrying Megan and actually limit her carrying time. Oso my mum helps me to look after my baby so baby is out of the house in the morning and only return in the evening.

When she returned from New Caledonia, she kept commenting on what we shld do for the baby like why we don't have a pacifier, how to carry the baby , how come I breastfeed? etc I was mad and told her no pacifier cos' dowan baby to have bad teeth, baby is comfortable with the way I carry and i breasfeed cos' it' good for baby. Along the way alot of unnecessary comments. I will always tell hubby and sometimes hubby will tell her off. I am lucky cos' hubby always stand by me cos' he knows his mother colors oredi. Of course every now and than still give in to her lah which I understand. Also my baby is my hubby's little precious so when anything to do with her, he will always listen to me rather than his mother. My maid also loves my baby very much. In fact I feel that baby is safer with my maid than my MIL. She is always suggesting that we feed table food to her which I don't agree.

My advice to you gals is that sometimes you shld just tell your MIL off and than walk into the room. I always believe that if you say nothing, they think you easy to bully. If they complain to their son, let them complain. If hubby shld confront you, than you tell him that baby is yours and not your mum's and that you have already told her many times not to do it but she still does it. If this continues, no need for MIL to look after baby, send to childcare. This will also make hubby take a stand and talk to his mother.

Also never let your MIL know that she is getting to you. This shows that she has won. Never leave your baby alone with her. If she is carryibng and rocking the baby, go to her and take over and say that you need to check if diaper is wet. Find some excuse to bring baby to room and stay there with the door close. This way they get the message. Always remember that you shld never show them that they have the upperhand.That's my advice

Sorry for the long post
 
Hi Chilipadi,

I wished I could do what u have mentioned but I know if I do it I would end up arguing with my husband again. The reason he gives is his mum come so far to see the bb(Singapore so small...mil stays in AMK) and she only sees her once a week. But I know if that argument ever arise I would blurt out things that I would regret later on. ie I give birth not to make my bb have the responsibility to accompany ur mum. U all as her children should do it. Or mil can have the bb and call mil 'mum' instead of me or even worst let's go our separate ways. Or ur mum is already divorced so she is not part of the family already....

Hi Sing Yee,

Yeap man will change their minds later on when they see the inconvenience and trouble their mum had to go through. Like my husband, he denied remembering agreeing on certain things we have said before giving birth. But then I also went back on my words on letting mil take of my bb when I return to work.

Sometimes I really wonder why his mum choose to remarry and then keeps intervening into our lives (before pregnancy she will pop by our place after work and buy some stuff...we may not be home). Then Sunday isn't it the day where her husband not working (both should spend time together right?)and why she can have the time to be at our place for so long? My dad works 6 full days a week so my mum avoid mahjong activities on Sun in order to keep my dad company cos she feels that when a person is old and free tends to be tempted by outside temptation. Doesn't mil afraid of this or is her 2nd marriage unhappy??? Now that we are building up a family is she trying to seek happiness from us? I recall my mum giving my sil short visits (1hr or less visit) but daily lah cos they live nearby when sil gave birth to my nephew and also to bring fresh food for her during confinement. Plus she took it as a morning walk. But I dun see my mum hogging to the bb like as if it is hers.
 
staywithmil,

1. mil say my breastmilk has no substance because bb hungry easily
<font color="0000ff">tell her BM digests faster cos it's good. also bb tummy small, can only take a bit at a time, so must feed very often. cannot work, ignore her and dun talk to her unnecessarily.</font>

2. mil always forget to give my baby ebm , and she prefer to use FM
<font color="0000ff">throw away the tin of FM, or at least hide it. if she looks for it and ask u, tell her u forgot where u put, why not just feed EBM?</font>

3. mil when make milk, like to put her finger at the tip of the teat, and shake bottle up and down to make it more bubbles
<font color="0000ff">offer to make coffee/tea for her next time and shake until got a lot of bubbles before serving to her.</font>

4. mil like to give my baby pacifier as and when she like it , whether or not bb sleeps.
<font color="0000ff">throw away the pacifier.</font>

5. mil does not close the infant formula tin carefully
<font color="0000ff">see (2) solution</font>

6. mil commented that the way i make fm is so thin, baby wont drink enough
<font color="0000ff">will not be an issue if there is NO FM around. see (2) solution</font>

7. mil commented about the toys i bought
<font color="0000ff">comment abt anything she buy for bb. if she din buy anything for u to comment, tell her not her money, dun comment. if she want to comment, give u money to buy the toys then can comment.</font>

8. mil always tell me that those books i bought are too "old" for my young infant
<font color="0000ff">tell her next time can use lor. no need to buy again.</font>

9. mil likes to let baby taste and test adult food
<font color="0000ff">next time when she do it, tell her why not feed bb char kway teow or orh lua (fried oyster). offer to puree it in the blender.</font>

10. mil gives baby glucose as daily drink, but has stopped yesterday when we threaten her that baby will get Asthma attack if drink too much
<font color="0000ff">tell her too much glucose will cause tooth decay or have diabetes in future.</font>
 
My FIL likes to carry my baby girl a lot when he comes visiting or we go visiting. Probably because it is his first grand child.

But I don't like it cos I don't want the baby to cling too much to carrying. Cos Hubby and I take care of the baby ourselves and we practice independence and carry the baby only when necessary.

FIL likes to carry the baby around and won't put her down. I sometimes tell the FIL off that don't keep carrying her and make him put her down. Sometimes I also indirectly speak to the baby, saying why do you always want ppl to carry? come down and walk yourself. Luckily FIL gets the hint and will put her down.
 
counterMIL
i salute you really. I was really laughing non stop as i was reading your post!

postnatalblues
i think most of us here are bias. if it is our mother, we have no objection. If it is our MIL, we will object
 
staywithmil, i'm just being naughty.
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of cos u can use some and ignore some lah. but the basic idea is never just keep quiet (for too long) and let ur ils think u are good to bully.

postnatalblues, actually some dialect groups call grandma 'ma-ma'. a diversion from 'ah-ma'. in fact, my mil also gets her grandchildren to call her that. initially when i visit, even my hb will say to bb 'let ma-ma carry.' cos it's due to habit already. but now whenever i visit, i make it a point to tell bb in front of them that 'this is ur nai-nai and ye-ye.' they dun dare to correct me becos IT IS TRUE! i'm merely using the 'correct' form of address what! especially since my mil keep telling hb to talk more to bb in chinese and not only in english. hahaha.

stamputy, in my opinion, i think it's ok to let others carry ur bb sometimes. it's not a matter of spoiling the bb, but u must remember that they dun see bb as often as u do. so they miss ur bb. carrying shows that they love ur bb. my parents carry my bb all the time. initially i dun like too but everyone got their way of taking care and showing love. as long as at home i dun make it a habit to carry, my bb will learn lor. so lighten up, k? though i have my differences with my ils, i still will let them carry my bb lor.

i will share my story with u gals later. now bz.
 
I agree with Counter MIL. Throw away the FM and pacifier away. i actually did not buy formula until almost 6 mths later after i stopped breastfeeding. Did not buy pacifier as well. So best not to have them around. Try it and see if it works.
 
Hi Staywithmil,
I agree with u no matter what in-laws do we would complain but when own mum does the same we are acceptable to it.

Hi Countermil,
My 2 nephews call my mum 'ma-ma' and I told my bb gal the same too. But my mil and sil would tell my bb that she is visiting po-po (I din bother to correct them to address as 'ma-ma'). To me no difference lah anyway in English it is grandma/grandmother and grandpa/grand father. Maybe cos since young I addressed both mother and father side 'ah-ma' but to differentiate I attached the place they live in eg. Jurong 'ah-ma' = my mum's side. Eventhough my mum's side has shifted place a few times I would still say that. Dunno why when I told my daughter to address my fil as 'gong-gong' they (husband and sil) laugh say must address as 'ye-ye'... ??? What is the difference anyone knows.

Fyi, my husband still thinks he is a cantonese because he speaks cantonese and his mum is a cantonese but actual fact his dad is a Hainanese...till now he still hasn't had the facts right. Even when we were getting ready to register my daughter's birth cert. My husband still insists on putting cantonese as his dialect and worst thing is mil din correct him and let him continue with the mistake (she was there when we were discussin it). ????
 
oh! and mil sometimes address herself as 'ma-ma' in cantonese and 'ma-ma' in Hokkien. I think she still can't make up her mind how she wants the bb to address her after 5mths...
 
in cantonese, the paternal grandmarder is pronounced as "ma ma" and grandfather as "ye ye"

hakka pple dun make the distinction and known as "gong gong" and "po por"

smtimes the paternal gparents called nai nai and ye ye like wat jen said..
 
postnatal blues and staywithmil, i also agree that we won't object so much if it's our mother. my hubby always say i m biased. but so is he...so he can't fault me for that
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hee i always tot paternal is ah-gong, ah-ma. i always call my grandparents that. but then on the other hand, i also call my maternal grandma ah-ma...but like postnatal blues, i use where they stay to differentiate. me not very good with all the addressing.
 
why don't just ask the grandparents what they want to be called?

I called my maternal grandparents po po &amp; gong gong in cantonese, and they were upset. Said they're not cantonese.
 
mashybrainz, becos if ask them, they will want to be called "ma-ma" and "pa-pa" which postnatalblues is not comfortable with...
 
counter MIL

hahahaha!!!!
c'mon, they won't ask their grandchild to call them that. If they do, then they're crazy, and your hb can witness their craziness and support u more.
 
mashybrainz, i got the person wrong, but what this 'crazy thing' was mentioned before. it's not postnatalblues. it's faith. see her post.
 
counter MIL

oh i see. I think sometimes, this kind of things have to confront them directly. Have to ask them, if their bb call the grandparents papa &amp; mama, then what does that make them? Have to tell them directly to stop doing it.

My aunt used to babysit a neighbour's daughter. After a while, the little girl started to follow my cousins &amp; call my aunt mommy. Imagine the fury of my neighbour. Anyway, now she's all grown up but she still calls my aunt 'auntie mommy'.
 
For our own mother, maybe can counter the calling of Ma-ma (grandma) as "po-po" instead. While for MIL, call Ah-ma. i train my boy to call me "Mummy" so that there will not be confusion.

There is always a great deal when saying about MIL. For my case, my MIL is a disabled with a bit senile and mental problem up there. though she appears to be alright sometimes, i dun really like my son to go near. however afterall she is my son's Ah-ma, my hb is also very filial, so I can do nothing.

During my pregnancy and confinement, my hb side do nothing, no sound, no caring. It's only after my baby is delivered that they appear to be concern (about my son not me), esp. my SIL. So "act-act".

Will talk more later.
 
hi gals

can i join in the chat? i'm oso having MIL problem. sometimes think of it make me sad.

bitbit - My PIL oso the same as yours. i'm now 14 weeks pregnant n hubby side didnt even congrats me. Worse! They always make things difficult for us. (Always bang the door n talk bad things behind our back) And i was thinking how, if bb born liao, should i let the bb call them or avoid them?
 
hi confuse,

Ya,u shld let bb call them, afterall they are the PIL.

While u still feel very "bu4 fu2 qi4" right? i understand very well. if you switch position with your PIL, u will aso wan ur grandson/daughter to call u despite you dun like ur DIL, right? Afterall how many years they left? So dun sour the relationship more, juz let it be. Ur son/daughter will always be yours, dun b afraid they will snatch ur bb away.

BF after u delivered, then u wun b afraid they take and hold bb all days and ignore you, afterall, bb need your milk, then they cannot do anything.

Take care as your are in 14 weeks already, dun let ur PIL affect your mood ok.
 
hi bitbit - i know but i'm afraid they'll harm the bb (i'm staying with PIL n SIL). Juz like when i first stay with them, when FIL bought breakfast for us (i didnt ask him to buy n he juz buy it) u know what he did, he throw coins into the food. If they dont like me nevermind, y must they treat me like that. Till now, MIL know that i'm pregnant n she didnt even bother to ask/congrat me. she act blur n say that she want to be a moder MIL.
 
Hi Confused,

Now they dun bother to congrat/ask you when ur bb is out, they will be all over ur bb later on. Just like me, mil din ask much when I am pregnant. When my husband broke the news she just reacted as normal. Then when she knows abt the gender (bb gal) she also has no reaction. Now! She is all over my bb. If u have read my posting above. Can't stand it!
 
Hi Ladies..

I see, no wonder most of us here just can't stand those ILs (esp MIL). Confused, Ur FIL is too much, how can he throw the coin into the food? Then you exchange the food with your husband, see how they react! What sort of human being is that.

We are married over, not sold over. The olden days whereby DIL need to follow those traditional rules in the husband house are over. You have freedom of speech, don't let them affect you. One thing now, you must be strong and always think positive. Don't confront strongly though, use tricks.

I stay in my PIL house for a while too after getting married. I can't stand my SIL's attitude. My husband spent all his saving to let her study in University, now she had graduated and worked, she don;t even repay my husband. I am concern because my husband bank is empty every month end until the next pay-check. Before, she will drive the family car (own by their eldest brother) and sent my husband to work, then she drive to work. Then one time she is not working and my husband is off, my husband offer to drive me to work, she jump out of bed and shouted at my husband that she want to use the car NOW to visit her bf's house. As i was late, my hb ignored her, and she complained to my FIL that since I married in, changed their life.

Later part of the story...

Our HDB came and my PIL and SIL (whole family) wanted to move over. I strongly reject coz forsee alot of problem will happen.. plus every1 occupied one room. then my children and study room how? I need a room for my computer &amp; study, a room for meditation purpose and thus left a room for my children, then no more room liao. Plus MIL is a disabled and mentally not stable, would suddenly laugh or suddenly shout and scold "xxx", I really cannot take it... i wan my own piece of land...

So because of this, I say NO, and she and FIL so angry. FIL later accept the fact not to stay together but SIL just cannot get over and show a black face to me everyday. So what, show black face only mah, who cares, want to chase me out meh? (Actually because I reject them staying together, almost quarrelled with my husband until wanting to divorce, my husband is very filial to his parents).

Com'on at home already very lazy liao, want to shift over together and be the princess or queen? "Bai Chi Bao Zhu". Who is going to do the housework and wash her underwear? Me? I am her 2nd SIL, not married in to be a MAID!

She wanted to get another car "forseeing" that one car is not enough. My husband say he has no money, so she said she will buy new car herself and left old car to my husband and insist my husband to accompany her to look &amp; find. My husband, being very "soft ears" just left me in their home and left with her. Do you know how I feel?

Instead of repaying the money to my husband, she went to buy a new car! So ungrateful. My husband has no money and then any payment needed will be paid by me. I don't see why she need a car as the family is not very rich esp MIL is disabled and many bills befall on my husband (both houses), plus why she cannot use public transport like me? I took MRT even with a big tummy, why she cannot take public transport? What she contribute to the family?

Well i think i had gone too far...

Anyway back here. Confusegal, can you and your husband move out so you wun see PIL and SIL's faces?

I can understand how "sickening" when these people don;t treat us as "one of them". Again i want to say, we are NOT sold to their family, we don't have to accept their ill-treatment! We must use our brain to think of way to retailate back, I mean in a proper manner.

Well, what I can think of is, only our own parents will treat us daughter as their precious child. Ladies here with bb gal, dun you love your bb daughter as much? Only come times when we are married to another people place (PIL / husband's place) will some of us be treated badly. Overall, i would say, still our own parents are the best. i learn to love them more.

Confusegal, i hope you feel better after hearing that most of us here had these PIL/MIL/SIL problem and learn to bo-chup abit. Also learn to protect yourself and your bb in you now, don;t let them provoke you, don;t fall into their trap. Don't care them too much. Live your life well ok. We are all here to help and share with you!!!
 
bitbit - oh! your SIL oso too much. My SIL is similar to yours leh. The hse belong to my hubby n he pay for the electrical bill n misc fees. SIL salary never fork out a single cent. They always push all the blame to me. yesterday MIL told hubby that even since i stay with them, i m the mastermind that cause them to quarrel. (OMG! b4 i married n stay with them, they oso quarrel most of the time)

i'm very sad lor, we always go back home late (after 10pm) every day n one day i had supper (11pm)in the living room n SIl bang the door. I had a fright n luckily nothing happen to bb. (we already let them occupied the living rm the whole day n cant we juz have a supper there)They are preparing to go to bed liao.

ya! FIl very bad hor! throw coins into the food. i didnt eat the whole day. Then the next day i got gastric attack liao. (till now my gastric not heal yet)
 
After reading all your stories, I feel so lucky. Altho' I also don't like some ways of my MIL, at least she's not as bad as yours.

Confused
Can u move out?

bitbit, confused
I think your SILs have already taken for granted from young that they don't have to help support the family. Probably due to upbringing. And it doesn't just happen with ILs. I know of many younger children in the family who never support the family in anyway, coz' they were 'chong'. Even when they're financially independent, they also never help foot the utility bills etc. Usually it's the older children who have to help support the family while the younger ones slurge on branded stuff &amp; party everyday. Unfair? That's Asian culture for u.

My father's staying with me and my hb &amp; I also pay for everything in the hse, electrical &amp; misc. Don't see anything wrong with that. I guess, if u look at it, if the ones staying with u are your parents, will u ask them to foot the bill? I suppose not.

I think bitbit that u might have over reacted abit lah on the SIL asking for your hb's help to see the car. She just needed a 2nd opinion &amp; she trusted your hb's. Does she even know that both of u are very broke, as in not just cannot afford a car, but don't even have savings in the bank? She might not, and still believed that the bro who had supported her thru university, is still well-to-do, if not doing better. Sometimes it just need a wake up call.

Before I was married, I used to think that my father's rich coz I just need to ask him for money and i'll get it. Even when i started working, i still thought everything was fine. Until I found out that he's down and out, then i realised how bad the situation was and started paying for the utility bills and share in the household expenses.

Of course, some of their attitudes are much to be desired. But remember lor, unless u can move out, they're going to stay with you for a long long time.
 
Hi All

I m new here and i also got MIL problem so till now i am still thinking should i have a bb, cos my MIL everything all want to involve. We have our own house but it is very near to my IL so everytime she will come &amp; spot check my house, got one time even brought her friend to our house without any permission from us and i was so angry that i show her my face and ignore her when see her. The keys was given to her by my husband i disagreed to it but he still give so no choice.
 
Hi confused and bitbit,
like you, my hb used to pay for everything in the house and his sis din pay for anything even though she started working earlier (my hb is the eldest). fortunately, before we got married, i brought up the issue that he cannot be supporting 2 households and once he is not staying there, he cannot be expected to pay. i guess i m fortunate in the aspect that my hb also recognised that it is going to be very hard on us if he continues to do that and he did tell his sis to take over the bills since she is staying there. but i m sure occasionally he will still contribute to big ticket items if needed.

as DIL, it is always hard for us to say anything to our IL so must go thru the hb's route. if possible, must make him see the need to get other pple in the household to contribute esp when the baby comes.

i must say i am always full of admiration for those who can stay with PIL. afterall, it is not easy staying with someone whom u have different upbringing and culture. even hb sometimes also got differences and friction but we can tolerate more cos we love them. for me, i m very resistant to the idea but i dunno whether that will change when my bb is born esp if MIL come and take care.
 
morning gals

mashy n Sing Yee - i'm not asking PIL or SIL SIL to pay for the electrical bill or misc fee.(b4 they move in to new hs, FIl say he'll pay for the misc but after paying for 1mth, he stop paying liao, And he juz keep quiet until one day got fine, MIL hang over the letter to hubby n ask him to pay) FIL dont keep his words.

As for the electricity, PIL n SIL always act in front of hubby. (saving electriciry for him)behind our they switch on n use like nobody business but when we come back they start to act liao lor. MIL even spread around saying that hubby dont allow her to cook. When we look at the bill, her gas charges very high. (sometimes i even smell herb soup(MIL cooking) i was think hey! how can they say that? then hubby approach n tell her abt the electricity high she say blame your wife for using the air con lor. (i only switch on at 11pm n off it at 4am) n most of the time we not at home n how can she put all the blame to me.

i only stay with them after i married in Oct 04. Last then a yr some much problem.
 
Agree. DIL, PIL and SIl cannot stay together. Can stay in same block etc but not in same room!

Confused and others who stay with PIL and SIL... as long as we (the DIL) stay with them , we will have to take in the different living habits. BTW, I am quite independent and self centered that they all know I will resort to "freeing" their son so the idea of staying with us (me and husband) never came to their mouth.

Sing Yee: You sound like the "last year" me, I thought a lot. I could not take CL for another reason though... space constraints cos I was staying with PIL while waiting for new flat. From waht you described, your husband is quite practical yet neutral and supportive of you. So it is good if you communicate with him and PIL what you want. Of course, be ready for difference in ideas if MIL take care of you and baby during your confinement. During mytime, I become "half deaf" but do show my "perservance" in doing my way to PIL. Actually, it is thanks to my PIL that I was able to go overseas for a lenghthy period for company sponsored study... my kid was last than a year old. Of course, I appreciate their effort but I do show my "face" once in a blue moon to show who is the kid's MUM. (If their ideas get on my nerve)

Mashy Brainz: I like how you are able to see things in a thrid angle.
 
I'm so happy to have finally found this forum to throw my heart out.

I got married to my husband after 'accidently' got pregnant. After marriage, due to that it was so sudden, we ended living with my in-laws. Being the youngest in my own family, and him being the youngest in his own family, it's like the 'little princess' and the 'little prince' getting married. But to me, my pampered days are over while my hubby's continued.

We were offered the masters bedroom after marriage for my convenience for shower and so on. The first trimester of my pregnancy, everything was so fine and sometimes, there are tonic on the table waiting for me. But situations seems to change after I reached the second trimester. My taste-bud changed from my first likings during the first trimester. I preferred blander food and also, fresh vegetables. My MIL is one of the most stringent woman I'd ever met in my life. Most of the nights, when my hubby and I went home for dinner, we will face 'FRIED' fish which was seen in the freezer for weeks and also, soggy vegetables meant for the 'teethless'. I complained to my hubby countless time and finally, he relented and brought me out for dinner most nights. And that, pissed my MIL off. So, on the nights when she get to cook for us, she will simply bring out the oldest fish and deep fry it for us, as if punishing us for not coming home for dinner as often as we should.

And the most frustrating things I have to face is, within months of moving in, my MIL starts handing all the chores of serving and taking care of my hubby to me. It all includes washing his clothes, cleaning the room and also ironing the clothes. I was already 32 weeks pregnant and I actually have to do all those! And most saddened thing I ever witnessed is, one fine saturday afternoon, I was very tired from the weight and fatigue of carrying my Baby to term, I stayed at home and rested. There she was, my MIL, sitting at the living room, either talking on the phone or watching tv. with loads of my hubby's clothes hanging somewhere waiting for ironing. I tried hinting to my hubby that I was really tired and I can't iron his clothes in time for Monday's work. He tried getting my MIL to have the clothes ironed, but she just gave him a look and resumed her 'activities'.

How I hoped then I could move out and have my own home and not live under her roof. How I hoped that I will not have to face a MIL.

But things went on until I gave birth. Having came from a big family and a baby-sitter mummy, I definitely have the qualifications of taking care of an infant without external help. One thing that still remains deep in my mind is on the day when I returned from hospital, I was walking back home slowly, partly from the pain from my stitches and carrying my new-born, my MIL rushed down from the flat, and immediately out-stretched her hand to my newborn, not even offering help to my hubby who is trying to balance many of the gifts brought back from the hospital. That marked a new beginning.

My confinement month was done by my MIL. Most of the days, I am facing her famous 'Fried Fish' and vegetables. Alright, I wasn't picky on food and I shall not concentrate on that. On the forth day of my confinement, I was showering my newborn in an enclosed room, door closed, window closed, due to chilly weather. My newborn, being particularly cranky on that day, was crying non-stop. I tried to speed up my actions in diapering him and dressing him, in barged in my MIL snatching the baby from me, without clothes, and brought him out trying to smother him from his crying. HEY! MY SON'S IS TOPLESS! IT'S COLD! CAN'T U USE YOUR COMMON SENSE?

Immediately, I rush out after her and took back my son, back into the room, this time with the door locked, and start dressing him again. Too bad, I'm a little late. my 4 days old infant came down with slight temperature that night! Trust that she is a mother of 4!

After that incident, due to the fact that my son will be under her care when I go back to work, I tried letting her take care of him whenever possible. She actually have the cheek to question me how should a baby be diapered. She don't know how to change a diaper for my Baby! Also, she even cut the teats of my 0+ mth teat for my Baby, claiming that my son have difficulty in drinking milk!!! And immediately after that feed, my son vomited! Due to too much wind intake! How could she?!!!!!

For the rest of my maternity, I took everything back under my control, only allowing her chance to see how things were done and how it should be done.

Finally. 1 month before my maternity ends, considering the fact that my MIL is of certain age and she might not be as strong as before, I discussed the possibility of buying a hammock for her convenience. But also trying not to have the traditional sarong hammock used due to many hazards for SID. Thus, my and my hubby forked out quite a sum for the Amby Baby Bed for my MIL's use. Right from the beginning, she keep saying that the bed will cause my son to have haunch back and so on and so forth and she refused using it. I did not care about her and went ahead in using it. After some time, she realise the convenience and started using it.

But my nightmare is about to start. 2 months after I went back to work, one day I went home on a surprised half day leave. Untold to her. Only to find her using the sarong hammock on my son!!!!!!! It's no wonder that I couldn't have a proper nights' sleep for a week! My son was demanding me to carry him in my arms to sleep! I was pissed off! I tried reasoning out with my MIL and the episode ended up with her shouting at me and my hubby that if we want to have her take care of the Baby, we are to let her have her own way! Fine enough! why not she take care of the Baby at night as well?!!!!! Which she REFUSED!!!!!

My son will be starting solids soon. And my MIL is very heavy in the use of Salt and Soya sauce. I am really worried right now. Cos it had been stated everywhere that Baby's food needs no flavoring due to their budding taste bud. I just couldn't imagine what's life going to be then.

Will be back for more in regards of my FIL
 
mrs teo, where on earth did your mil get the old traditional sarong hammock? in your case, are u able to move back to your parents house? are you able also to afford another person to look after your baby? with the way your MIL use salt and soya sauce, this will cause harm to baby's fragile body.
 
Hi Postnatal Blues,

Having problems sending out mails now... dunno why, but hopefully problem can be rectified soon. Dun want you to have an impression that I have slacken, find it a good way to release my frustration by communicating.... Catch you later.

Hi bitbit, confusedgal,
Looks like we not only have to tahan MIL, also SIL. I also have a younger SIL staying with us. She's of the same age as me, but sorry to say, she's a ultimate spoilt brat. Even when she stay with us, she expects everything which she needs to be present to her, etc shampoo, shower gel. And if her clothes are not ironed in time or if she runs out of underwear, she'll nag at my MIL about not doing up her stuff and indirectly hinted that it's because my MIL is taking care of baby, that's why she could not do her stuff. Anyway, I can only pray that some guys took a fancy of her and marry her... ahahaha
 
Hi staywithmil,

my mil went out somewhere to purchase the sarong hammock. Don't know whenever she had the time to do that?!!!! And the way the sarong hammock is tied to the ceiling, OMG! It looks it might drop to the floor anytime!

Now I'm facing another problem with her. Brought my son to immunization last week and weight was taken for my son. Nurse told me my boy's weight on the high side. My boy is taking Isomil due to allergy reason and Isomil babies are supposed to be smaller than normal! But my boy is so BIG! Why?!!! It's because my MIL insist on feeding him based on hours past! Not on demand! She is currently feeding him 150ml per 3 hours!!! Quarrelled with her many times and yet she still continues.

I am now trying to get a maid. A trustworthy maid. I lost faith in nannies as my friend's baby died in a nanny's hands.

I really am on wits end on what to do now!

HELP!
 
Mrs Teo, care to share abt ur friend's baby? Curious cos my bb is with nanny.
 
Hello gals

Hi Mrs Teo - Can understand your feeling. Why dont u send your son to child/infant centre (find a good one) Some old people like to do things their own way even if it's wrong they still continue to do it.

I feel sorry n sad for u after reading your story.
My MIL never cook for us to eat. Ever since i stayed with them, MIL only offer once 1/2 bowl of herb soup for me n hubby. (when she pass it to me, she shouted at me saying, U N HUBBY SHARE N PUSH IT TO ME). to be frank, your still better than mine leh.

Now MIL know i preggie liao, she oso act blur n avoid me. And after that telling people that i dont care abt her. (i didnt even get to see her n wont know she's sick)
Now i m worried that after giving birth, how?
 


Mrs Teo:

".. as my friend's baby died in a nanny's hands.". Oh terrible... wat happen?

i would rather tahan those MIL/SIL problem than to let this happen...
 
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