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Mixed feelings... need some guidance

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by insecure_me, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Ever since my hub started on this new role, things have changed.

    Everything seemed normal until our heated quarrel recently. That’s when I start to notice the details.

    1) He stopped wearing his wedding ring, claiming it’s too tight.

    2) He brings his phone wherever he goes now

    3) He is constantly on whatsapp claiming there are a lot of things for him to do.

    Amidst our cooling off period, he told me to give him some time to adjust his emotions. After a few days, he said he will be going overseas business trip but I managed to bust him so he end up not going. He insisted he was going with a friend whom I don’t know.

    I asked him if he still want this family. He say mixed feelings. I asked if there is 3rd party, he insisted no. Finally after pushing, he said if we can go for seperation as he doesn’t want me and the kids anymore. I was heartbroken at that time but asked if there is no way to salvage.

    After much persuasion, I suggested to try to work things out again and he agreed. I asked to see his phone to prove his innocence. He refused. That was when I know he has something to hide.

    I’m really devastated. He is a family man and nobody will ever think that he will do such things. I really don’t know what is going on in his mind. A part of me want to know the truth, another of me is in denial. I keep telling him he is bad at lying but I don’t want to force hand to get his phone because I know it will end up unmendable.

    I don’t want to give up to the 3rd party so easily. She can continue to fight for his attention, give him the sexual pleasures but she will always miss spending festivals together. Let’s see who outlast who. Is that the right thinking?

    I really want to find out if he is cheating but I have no access to his phone. Is there any other way other than hiring PI? He doesn’t update me his movements so even hiring PI may be an issue cause we don’t know where to track in the first place.

    As of now, he is still playing the doting husband and father of our kids but every time we are apart for a while, I see that he is online whatsapp.

    I’m really confused. If there is 3rd party, why didn’t he just insisted on divo then when I asked what he wants? If he is so scared to get busted, then why is he still holding on to his phone leaving and leaving small evidences of things he buy (which is not home) for me to see?

    I’m totally at a loss of what to do now. I want to find out but don’t know how. Can someone shed some light? Thanks!

  2. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Active Member

    U should not alert him.
    Is he busy with work or claim he need to work ot?
    insecure_me likes this.
  3. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    What u wan is a peace of mind, but his behaviour is too suspicious n unsettling u
  4. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    He never claim OT cause that is not his job nature. But he will always tell me last min got dinners or drinks with clients. It’s like even if I want to activate PI to follow him also hard.
  5. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member


    Yes!!! I totally feel you! I have so many small leads to tell me he is hiding something but yet I can’t stop it. The paranoia just eats you up :(
  6. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    He will blame u for being too suspicious nn hence destroyed the marriage
  7. Mongkok

    Mongkok Member

    almost all the time, a woman's intuition is correct.

    depends on what you want end of the day. if you check on him, you got to be prepared for the next course of action. if you expose your findings to him, be prepared he will do it openly, and you will have the pressure to D or accept.

    the husband loves the family. he loves being a husband and father.
    But, he isn't emotionally connected to you.
    punkkini and janey09 like this.
  8. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    I think at this moment, I suspect the affair just started. So I’m hoping to put a stop to it but without exposing. I really don’t know what to do. What is the best way to handle this?
  9. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    All are suspicion unless u saw it.
    Also if the relationship just start, u might choose the family instead of that women.. the longer it drag his relationship become stronger n will choose tat women.
  10. janey09

    janey09 Active Member

    All are unknown. Good to know who is 3rd party
  11. Mongkok

    Mongkok Member

    you have to engage him emotionally all over again. along the way, he felt neglected.
    pay more attention to his worries, likes and dislikes. shower genuine concern with 'no string attached'.
    have more 'us' time w/o the kids. go pak-tor.
    gladjo likes this.
  12. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    This is good. But if don't stop the relationship, no matter how hard she try she will not get him back
  13. Mongkok

    Mongkok Member


    definitely relationship (EMA) with have to be stopped.

    however, they have to review the root of the problem.
    2 persons started a marriage. now, add one more, becomes a EMA. we revisit the 'root', that's the 2 person.

    1st, find out who went wrong. most of the time is both. along the way, things just gotten awry from it originally started. alot of reasons...

    by ending the EMA, there's a few approaches.. like take medicine. got to take afew so each can work it's purpose to heal.

    from wife angle. we tackle the attitude (easier). then we monitor reaction. if wife change, then husband is expected to reciprocate. Once reciprocate, then easy to solve. if no reciprocation, then it's husband attitude towards family, marriage and affair. then we can judge from there and see nex move.

    say we do the harsh approach, make a fuss... ok, husband comes back. this way don't solve the root of the problem. emotionally still unengaged. so potential of next EMA is high..

    once you beat the grass, frighten the snake, there's no turning back.

    got to give each the other the 下台阶 (way to move down the stage).
    gladjo likes this.
  14. janey09

    janey09 Active Member

    Yes, but having 3rd party, the wife still let him have a way down, then he will do it again, as he feel the wife u forgive him no matter wat happpen.
    Anyway from a man perspective, if a wife hv a 3rd party, what will he do
  15. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    I agree with Mongjok’s approach. I did reflected in what went wrong. We have had a few arguements for the past 6 months but it is always him going out late.

    He did say that he is sick & tired of explaining but I explained to him that if he was transparent about where he was, I wouldn’t have asked.

    Actually our current situation is like back to normal. I can tell that he is trying but at the same time hiding a lot of things. He refused to let my kids near his phone anymore (there are games inside).

    So the best way is 1) Be emotionally involved again, 2) At the same time, engage help to find out the truth. Of course the best is to just grab his phone but this will probably end things wrongly

    It’s going to be a long and tough journey. I can feel the emotional disengagement already. Even though we still have intimacy, the thought of him being lovey to another woman just makes me feel dirty. :(
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018
    ding2505 likes this.
  16. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Last update. He asked me to go home from work myself. I said I’ll wait for him to pick me. Then he told me ok but later nearer to the timing he said he is having a chat with his boss. But actually he drove someone to town. I know cause I planted a gps. The truth hurts so much.... didn’t he say he will try to save the marriage?
  17. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    Slowly u will see more truth
  18. Mongkok

    Mongkok Member

    For him to come this far, it isn't a click of a finger. Lip service is free. By giving hope, he is trying to divert your attention and hence lesser pressure on him.
    Your consciousness on his whereabout has made your route to salvage this relationship tougher.
    While you embark on this long painful route, make it an useful one.

    Strengthen your independence on financial, mental and emotional. Also improve your listening skill. Learn how to filter and make wish decision.

    The objective is to tell yourself and your kids that you have did your best end of the day.
    SLmum and gladjo like this.
  19. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Understand. But what I don’t understand is how can someone just change 360 degree after one arguement? He was still lovey during Xmas. And when I asked him if he still wants this family, he said yes but only after I busted him on the trip he said he doesn’t want us. He could have used that opportunity to just tell me there is someone else and went straight on with his 2nd decision.

    The next day, he was very loving. We did a lot of couple things together. But come today when work resume, he seem like a different man again. I don’t understand this hot and cold treatment.
  20. Mongkok

    Mongkok Member

    hot/cold treatment means you aren't his priority and he isn't interested in you.

    as long as you guys aren't engaged emotionally, it's very difficult to develop further.

    btw, there are diff kinda 'Hot'; w/o emotionally engagement, the 'Hot' treatment will only be sexual and physical.

    if you decided to embark on this tough route, do not engage his attitude. set self boundaries. he blow cold, move away, don't ask why. leave him alone.
    don't swoop low to 'give in' to him. in short, don't give him a damn when he's blowing cold.
    meanwhile, get a life (have own activities) and be emotionally independent.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2018
    gladjo likes this.
  21. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    How to get engaged emotionally when he is switched off? He was very sweet the day before. We went to do all the couple things, he will hold my hand and remind me to take my medicine. Yesterday he was really cold but this morning he is back to the sweetness again. I told him I had a nightmare and he said they are just dreams which are not real and he is there. Does that mean, there is still hope?

    I’m meeting the Pi today, I really don’t want to find out more but I know the affair has to stop and it’s not going to be easy to stop because they are colleagues
  22. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    If they are colleague, then easie, they sure don't waan to be found out
  23. margret

    margret Active Member

    How to engage emotionally when his attention is already somewhere else.. stripping naked n walk infront of him, or like him one day nice, one day bad.
    Instead of getting him back, find out more n see who u dealing with
  24. Mongkok

    Mongkok Member

    The sense of feeling (security, care, concern, good feeling/confidence abt yourself, etc) during pak-tor period is a result of emotional engagement at it's peak with him.

    allow me to elaborate and explain myself.

    For him to come this far, it isn't a click of a finger. emotional dis-engagement occurs throughout a period of time. on the other hand, engaging emotional isnt a click of finger too. it wil b tougher when a 3rd party in the pic.

    My advice is based on the frame of mind of the subject according to each post.

    ultimately, it depends on situation against the subject's character. if you choose to ride it through, then getting emotionally engaged is one of the way. no guarantee though. but at least we know it is one of the cause that couples get together or split.

    if you choose justification, then findings will be the way to go. findings will justify all the behaviors and actions. that, will able you to make a wiser choice.

    for a woman to hang onto a husband w EMA is very painful. hence if you are those conscious and sensitive type, i would say the ride isn't for you or rather you will b a wreck way before the ride ends. you will be surprise there are actually women out there who can ride it through. they are almost extinct, like dinos (Joke!).

    if the situation prove to b too detrimental, then please put a stop to it. i don't encourage a woman to compromise safety and health just to maintain a toxic relationship.

    there's no fix way.

    but please remember once D-ed, you can't force him to marry you again.
    (this is factual. i am not siding anyone here). Once you get through this, you are in good position to make a wise choice.

    Please love yourself more.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2018
    gladjo likes this.
  25. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    How would u know so much? Not everyone is the same.
    I have friends emotionally involved with husbands but they still have ema at the same time.
  26. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    It’s the mindset of the cheater. I know of good married man also cheat but they make sure they cover their tracks well cause they still want the family. And they made sure that there is no emotional engagement involved. Just pure sex.

    For my case, it’s clear that he doesn’t want cause he refused to maintain emotional engagement but hides his tracks poorly. I think he is just waiting for me to get evidence only.

    Every night is a nightmare trying to act normal but know that it is not.
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2018
  27. bretrayed

    bretrayed Member

    I read thru your story. I believe he still wan the family. If not he wouldn't stay behind n didnt go overseas trip.
    He didn't cover his act well cos he is new to this, the more u expose him, he beome cleverer.
    So u should also act , n collect everything then exppose him, if not its very difficult to get more evidence as he cover more tracks
  28. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Thanks. Hopefully there is still hope. I know he is still carrying on with the relationship. I’ve hired PI so hopefully once exposed, everything stops. They are colleagues
  29. bretrayed

    bretrayed Member

    Have faith
  30. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    PI updated me that he is in somewhere today but when I asked him, he said he was at office. Why did he lie? :(

    PI will follow him tomorrow. I’m really afraid to hear the truth.

    If he really want this family, why did he lie? We had intimacy yesterday! Did he do all these just to cover his tracks? What does it take to stop?
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018
  31. QIANX2

    QIANX2 Member

    Have to be strong. Jiayou
  32. petitemaman

    petitemaman New Member

    I believe that he wants the best of both world. A family and a mistress.

    From my point of view, his heart is no longer with you as he only acts to smooth your heart and your suspicions.
  33. bretrayed

    bretrayed Member

    How was it yesterday
  34. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    so true. He was smothering up to me for the past few days to gear up for his escapade.

    Now I just need to ask myself what do I want out of this? Anyone faced with confrontation and still give 2nd chance? Honestly I feel that he shows no sign of guilt and has also stopped smothering me.
  35. petitemaman

    petitemaman New Member

    You need to have 2 options for yourself.
    1. If your husband refuses to agree with you.
    2. If your husband agrees with you.

    From my point of view after reading your whole thread, there’s no point in you giving a second chance to him. He is not willing to try again with you from the start when you are suspicious with him. All he did was lie, lie and lie. What makes you think that with these photos, he will suddenly realised that ‘wow, I am so wrong, I shouldn’t have done that?’ If he really love you and wants the family, he should have come clean with you when you started suspecting, so you both can discuss on how to improve in this marriage.

    Love is not like the law, you don’t wait till you are caught to beg for forgiveness, if he really love you, he shouldn’t have lied to you and make you go crazy thinking what went wrong. He should have assured you with whatever he could. If he wants to patch up with you from the start, he should have done so way way before you hired a PI. And not until you show him those photos and he starts blaming you.

    To me, if you give him a second chance, he is still going to cheat on you but with smarter moves.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
  36. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Your words hit me like a stab in the heart. So true that it hurts. I still need time to gather evidence but living everyday with a liar beside me is so tormenting. I’m trying to cherish the last few times of being together. It really hurts
  37. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    You are wrong. They missed the trip but went on a hotel sexcapade.

    I’ve tried to emotionally engaged him again. We hold hands, we have intimacy but I can really feel the difference. He is just doing the deed to cover his tracks. Now he is avoiding paying allowance lying about certain costs. This is getting out of hand
  38. petitemaman

    petitemaman New Member

    I’m sorry if it hurts you. But it’s better to be hurt now by the truth, than to be hurried by the shocked and lies from your husband. As right now, you can plan your move. What do you want out of this relationship? If you really want to patch with him, you can discuss with him. But as you know, when his heart is not with you, it’s not with you. You can’t force him to be the same as last time.

    Don’t cherish the moments you have together with a liar, cherish those moments when you both are still in love, when he cares for you. You will hurt yourself more.

    If you need anyone anonymous person to talk to. I am here for you. Just PM me.
  39. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    At this stage, I feel his heart is not with me and the kids. He is starting to short change the monthly allowance. I’m very disheartened that he is spending all his money on that bitch and short changing his family.

    I’ve been trying to live everyday like in the past so that I have no regrets. But it is really so painful to be smiling and talking pretending you don’t know the truth but is actually buying time. Can’t sleep every night. I close my eyes, I’m reminded by them. How can he sleep so soundly at night?
  40. petitemaman

    petitemaman New Member

    Those are hints your husband is telling you he is going all the way out to that bitch. And your husband don’t feel guilty at all from what you have mentioned. He is straying bit by bit. You wanna act as fast as possible and not wait till the girl turns up at your place or him requesting for a divorce.

    There is no point in you living like in the past. Because it’s a fact that you cannot go back to the past. Live for yourself. Live for the future, live for you kids.

    You should gather all the evidence you can. Do you have a statement of how much you spend monthly or how much does he gives you monthly? Start keeping track of that. So in the event you get a divorce, you can get more maintenance from him. Also, start to keep track if he spends time with his kids. Now what you wanna do is to collate as much evidence as possible.

    Your husband is having the best of both worlds. He has 2 women, the mother of his kids and his mistress. I understand how you feel, but you have to think positively. Don’t fall into depression because of him, it’s not worth it. He’s hanky panky outside, enjoying life while you are suffering. Turn your suffering into vengeance (not asking you to kill him or take revenge) but start clocking all evidence and give him the shock of his life. Let him know that he can’t have his cake and eat it. When you try to sleep, think of ways you can clock evidence, instead of the pictures of your husband and that bitch as nothing will change.
  41. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Already gathering. Just need time to gather more.... but living everyday like this is tormenting. You know the truth and yet can’t show it in the face
  42. happywifey22

    happywifey22 Member

    Be strong. Sometimes if things were to happen, you tried but you cant stop it from coming. Work on yourself more. Live better day by day. Work on your kids. If D is really the end, who knows one day he will come back crying...
  43. Were you both very young when you got married together?

    Can you guys go for professional counselling? I am thinking, he doesn't know what he want.. He loves his family yet the other party thrills him. Pretend to be the lovey-dovey wife and go on a holiday with him... post loving pictures on facebook.. make the other one jealous n know that he is still your man after all, during the holiday have a lot of couple time together.. Let him know the love is still there..
    gladjo likes this.
  44. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Yes. We married fairly young but we are already married for 12 years. I have suggested marriage counseling but he said no use. Honestly, if I didn’t find out about the trip, I would have thought we are the best loving couple in front of our friends and family. I have done or rather have been doing whatever you had suggested. Everyone thinks we are happy as a family so I never expected this to happen... he already said he doesn’t want us
  45. It's always hurtful when there is 3rd party involved. I guess your husband is confused by the situation hence saying he doesn't want his family... When there are kids involved, it is very hard to let go.. If he have no feeling, he wouldn't want to touch you.. But it shows that he still love his family... 12-years of marriage is not easy.. Don't give up easily..
    twinnybabes and gladjo like this.
  46. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    No signs of remorse. Can’t inagine the amount of things he do for her and neglected me. It’s not that I want to give up but he gave up
  47. petitemaman

    petitemaman New Member

    So what are your plans?
  48. insecure_me

    insecure_me Member

    Dear All

    Thanks for listening and giving advises. I finally confronted him today. He showed no signs of remorse or asked for forgiveness. He said you wanna blow Big let’s divo. :( saddens my heart that this is no longer the man I know
  49. ZiYan

    ZiYan Member

    This kind of man is worse than a beast.Play along with him,sis....

    Good riddance to this kind of man.
  50. petitemaman

    petitemaman New Member

    Its obvious he doesn’t wants the family.

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