Keeping a marriage alive

[Linwong]

I m always thinking how to keep a marriage alive and is divorce the only way out for couples having troubles in their marriage? I thought of divorce this afternoon when i had a row with my child's father. He said really nasty things about me like wat kind of a wife am i and that i m not contented things like that. And he comes home have to help me with cooking and stuff. Is this wat a husband should say to the wife? I m a stay at home mum and looking after my girl and everyday i have to send my girl to school and does home chores as well. Sometimes, i m really up to my neck in work and i dun think it is too much for a husband to share workload with the wife. Today, i came to understand we as the wife cant depend too much on the spouse. Worse still, he called my parents and complained on stuffs about me. I really cant stand him and feel very very tired living with this kind of person under the same roof. Jus becoz he brings home the bacon doesnt give him any right to put me down and paint me in such a bad picture and worse of all in front of my parents. He has no respect for me as his wife. If he has love for his wife, will he do that? He has no considerations on wat i did for the family jus cos i dun bring home the bacon it doesnt mean i m not contributing to anything in the family.

 

[Linwong]

I jus hope men who has a wives and who done so much things for the family and looking after the entire household well, pls do appreciate wat your wife has done cos a stay at home mum is not having life easy at home. Who likes to come home to a messy house, with shoes and things lying around, plates, bowls and cutlery lying in the sink? Bringing kids to school and fetching them back home? Braving the heat, rain and perspiration? Coaching them in studies, feeding, changing, showering and clearing their potties. All these r hard jobs at home which is taxing physically and mentally. Appreciate and shower them with lots of love. Show them due respect as a women and mother. Jus becoz they dun bring home the bacon doesnt make them a worthless homemaker. On the whole, i think they contribute more than the person who supports the family cos they create a wholesome environment for the family. Kudos to us women........

 

[gooseberry]

I can totally understand n feel u. Like u, I went through the hardships of raising my kids from babyhood n it's really really tough.... N not tb appreciated for such voluntary work put us in an aggrieved state

 

[triple70]

Derive happiness from within you.
If you cant love yourself, hw can others love you? Therefore, prioritize for your own hapoiness. Do not adopt the thinking.. " i sacrifice for the family".
The secret of a successful marriage is low expectations.
Man and woman have different priorities. Woman think house must be spotless, guys do not think that's important at all. Woman think i do so much yet not appreciated. Try to see things from the guy point of view. Why the big fuss over this?

 

[Linwong]

Sometimes is really not a matter of making a fuss over something. We see things from their point of view and did they reciprocate the same way. Marriage takes two hands to clap. If a party did not say things to provoke the other party, would things come to such a stage? I m jus stating things from my point of view.

 

[Jehvy]

Linwong, jiayou. I agree with you that being a woman isn’t easy, we have to give up a lot of things like our own surname, sacrifice our time spend with our own parents and sometimes like you – give up your job and become a stay home mom to support and care for your kids at home. However, not all husband and men will appreciate our sacrifices for the family. Some would think that because they bring the bacon home, they work very hard for the family and we don’t understand their hardship at work and still make them help us with things at home – housework etc.

Hence, after marriage I feel that it is totally impossible for me to become a stay home mother and take care of a kid at home….kudos to you. It is not that I don’t want to take care of my child myself but because I cannot imagine how vulnerable I would become to ask him for money. How am I going to support my parents if I do not have an income? What if he cheats on me or tells me one day that he loves another woman, how am I going to leave him and support my kids?

I guess deep down I still cannot trust a marriage and that a person will always remain loyal, faithful and understanding to his wife. Therefore, I rather stay independent. Sometimes I feel upset that I have such thoughts but I cannot help it. Perhaps, if possible Linwong should also try to get a job, a part time one is also good. Socializing with other people and earning some income will help you to feel better. Furthermore, your husband cannot assume that everything at home – housework, teaching the kids etc is only your sole responsibility because you a stay home mom.

 

[friends78]

Perhaps u can relook at the time management of the day? Do those physically taxing tasks that u cannot stand it during the day and try to relax instead of nagging at hubby to complete this and that at night. Like you said, marriage takes 2 hands to clap. You wish to be appreciated for slogging at home for the family. Likewise for your hubby, he too wish to be appreciated for slogging at work. He could be having a hard day at work (similar to you having a hard day at home) and feel frustrated to come home only to be demanded to continue with housework instead of chilling aside. Be it working or not, we all need some time to chill and relax. Try not be so hard to yourself afterall it doesn't hurt for the house to be a little messy, dishes unwashed, bed unkept. No one other than yourself is judging the cleaniness anyway. But it is important for a family to enjoy the little moments of bonding, laughter and happiness.

 

[Linwong]

I have a condition nobody knows why i need him to help as i have ocd after giving birth to my child. OCD as in obsessive compulsive disorder and i m afraid of dirt, need to wash hands frequently and have problems with cooking. I jus wan him to understand as ocd is also associated with anxiety disorder and sometimes before leaving the house i need to check on the gas before leaving the house. I have my share of problems and have problems with time management cos the time is wasted on checking stuff and other things at home. Why cant he jus emphatise with wat i m going through? I am on medication also and i am not expecting alot from him and i dun demand that he should do this and that for me. Wat i meant is if u wan do it, then dun complain. I know he is having it hard outside and he retorts back why not exchange roles i go out and work and he stays at home? Is this wat he should say? I mean things are between me and him and why should he complain to my parents?

 

[gooseberry]

My hubby lashed out at me this way bef so I can commiserate w u on this. (((Hugs))))

 

[friends78]

Sorry to make you frustrated and I can see that you just want to let go your anger and gather empathy from us not really into hearing perspective. Do seek professional help to best manage your situation. Your hubby might not understand your frustrations. If you had not revealed your underlying med condition, we also would not understand the fuss you are making over the need to maintain the house in tip top condition. Other than seeking counselling, I can't advise much and do not wish to further antagonize u. I wish you well and sincerely hope you can resolve this amicably with your hubby

 

[timmerin]

well, wrt to ur condition, have u ever thought that maybe you are also challenging to live with? parents with children with disorders like autism hv help agencies n special need schools...and lots of online resources. but what about husbands with wives with special conditions? not much help except maybe that jug of beer.

i sound like i m on ur hubby's side. but trust me... i m not. i m a sahm too w 2 kids. and i m tempted to write something only because your subject post "keeping marriage alive" gives me the feeling that you treasure your marriage v much.

well i tell my hubby the model answers dat i hope to hear when i m having moments of insanity and wat not to say to me.. hehe... over time he has improved. sm men are pretty clueless unoe.. but dat doesn't mean ur hubby doesn't love u.

let us love more, laugh more n forgive more...