Hi sisters
When I checked in at KK for ET yesterday (Sat), I saw the big note on my folder that says "No ET". The
final 6 thawed oocytes didn't make it to ET. Dr Tan HH informed me that egg factor is an issue (Im 37 yo). This was the first time I heard about it after 6 years of IVF - and it was significant as I now know that both DH and I have issues that make it extremely difficult to conceive. All this time, we thought it was only male factor. Greed or irrationale took over and I immediately asked for a note to start on my 3rd fresh, though I have told myself this is the last attempt ever and I have promised my husband who was adamant at stopping. No harm bagging an option first, I figured.
Numbed myself the whole day and tried my best not to flare up at the little one or DH. Didn't dare broach the topic of the 3rd fresh with DH. Kept replaying all perspectives to myself.
(1) I pondered DH's reaction if I were to ask to try again - his main concern is his age and stamina - he is 41yo. My request would erode the trust he placed in me and I really have no grounds to ask him to try again....
(2) I asked how I should handle the fact that I could never give the LO a sibling. How I need to change my life so that I can be happy again, how I can be a good parent to an only child, how I can be a good wife to my DH (relationship has been strained after so many years of differences on IVF)....
(3) At 37yo and with both male & female factor issues, I worry about the quality of the embryoes - especially when we had a 13 week miscarriage and that was explained as chromosomal defects. Is this destiny's way of protecting me and my family - that we should treasure and lead our life as a simple family of three?
(4) I looked back at how empty I have become as a person - a crazy/mad woman chasing IVF, FETs, TCM, religion, putting on weight due to the injections and never finding the motivation to regain my regular healthy weight, losing interest in work or social because I had this dark battle with infertility going on. Although I had my LO through IVF, truth is it has plagued me and my marriage for >10 years by now... After the LO came along, the pressure of providing a sibling is no less.
36 hours after my "No ET on my last FET", I am more inclined towards calling it a day. The emotions are heart-wrenching and tormenting. I once got a lot at Waterloo Street - what is yours is destined to be yours.
This forum has been the single strongest pillar of support through my 6 years of IVF. Sisters who have shed tears of sorrow and joy for each other.. thank you. I am not giving up... I am letting go and trusting in destiny to bring what's best for my family in life.
@mesara @Shinkirou @Baby1979 @joeykw @tsf0205 @char-mee @queenie122009 @meganl @hopeful13 @wondersss @jas249 @lovetohavekids @shiro_ger - thank you and hugz. Wishing you ladies fruitfulness on your journeys and remember to sprinkle baby dust on us