Divorce due to problems w in-laws

H

Happy Mummy

Member
I never thought I'd be sharing this piece ever in my life, although many of a times heard of, seen of, couples have tonnes of conflicts arising because of in-laws. Now, I'm experiencing it myself. This experience is truly traumatizing.

I've been married coming to 3 years. Initial one year of the marriage was sweetness overload, honeymoon period. My nightmare came when i gave birth to my first child. As both me & my spouse are working, we had to trouble my in-laws to stay w us to take care of our baby. That's where things start to get out of hand.

My spouse starts to hide his financial stuff from me, hide his personal things from me etc. to the extend that, he told me that his mother advise him that don't pamper your wife, she is just an outsider who marries into our family and will always be an outsider. My spouse starts to bargain daily expenses w me, count w me to the very cent, warn me not to waste his money, and also, even stopped buying me birthday presents & celebrating our anniversary.

I have been putting up w all these nonsense as i had to rely on my in-laws w my baby. I wasn't left w any choice. Until recent, an incident occurred and i really can't tolerate anymore and I flared into a rage w my in-laws. To my disappointment, my spouse sided w my in-laws to shout @ me, abuse me w words. I expressed that i wanted a divorce then, and my spouse said he is willingly to do so to show that he supports his parents. I'm truly disappointed & wounded by his act.

I don't think things would be the same anymore although he has apologized to me. I am contemplating a divorce, and need to seek advice on what is the procedures like, asset division & child custody.

Would appreciate any advice that comes to me.
 


Hi Happy Mummy...sorry to hear ur state of affairs gone so wrong by PIL .... Hb will always side his parents n his parents will always side him even if he's in the wrong....for me, I told my kids,bear the consequences of your own decision.

Ur bb is very young still, suggest counselling n try disengage from PIL ...like maid, infant care, childcare (that are away fm pil's place) nanny, ur parents etc ...divorce isn't easy way out n its heart breaking n painful fighting custody of kids ...think carefully n try to work it out... God bless
 
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Hi Happy Mummy,

The root cause seems to be your pil. You can try counselling or talk it out with your hubby. Hold his hand and have a heart to heart talk, tell him that you're hurt and communicate with him. You may be able to hear what he has to say. It is hard for him not to speak up for his parents, they are his parents afterall, but I don't think he shd yell at you.

I don't know why your bb is dependent on your pil. You may want to explore infant or childcare. Take care.
 
Hi happy mummy, i won't divorce if I were u. Divorce will only make u feel miserable and your mil happy. First, I will send the child to infant care on the pretext of wanting the child to learn instead. Second, reduce the time of interaction between your inlaws and family (be it hubby or child). Arrange more outings during weekends for you and family without inlaws of course. During weekdays after u return from work, take care of your child solely. You will be tired but any 'outsourcing' of the caring of the child to your inlaws will create opportunity for unwanted remarks. U need to thread this carefully as you have clashed with your inlaws and pulling the child out suddenly will result in more tension. So you have to act nice to inlaws, pretend everything is ok on the surface and slowly pull your hubby to your side. Hopefully as time passes, you can survive this. Jiayou!
 
Hi happy mummy, I have been separated with my husband for almost 9mths. Now waiting for our hse to mop to divorce. We divorce mainly due to in laws problems too. If I am financially supporting myself, I don't see why I have to tolerant nonsense from my hubby and his mum. I feel enough is enough. Our never ending quarrels will only bring bad influence to my son. I have not been angry and no more quarrels since the say we separated. I am happier now although more lonely
 
Hi monster life, can i know how u fight the custody for ur son? Alimony fees how to get? And how u & spouse divide the hdb proceeds?
 
Hi all, thanks for advice, I'm really very sad w my hubby's attitude & character. We have talked through this heart to heart many times and his reply to me still remains as he will always put his parents in his priority then his own family, me & my kid. We can't align this priority, I don't know if in this lifetime, we could ever do so. However, I'm considering the suggestions of maid & disengagement from pil. Thanks to all.
 
Hi Happy mummy,

Sorry to hear about your plight. I think the key is how to talk properly to your husband. You may need to rehearse infront of mirror a few times to do it. Then I am also not aware of your situtation before you all got married. Like is he a mummy's boy and etc. Anyway, mummy's boy, then it is useless (sorry for my tone, but i have a general disgust for these kind of ppl) unless he knows how to think on his feet and make a good middlesman between his mum and yourself. Maybe you need to remind him that, one day when his parents pass away. You will be the only person in life he can truly rely on and accompany till death. Bearing in mind that, he should treat you as important as his parents as both of you have commited to a life with each other through an oath. That is a fact. Then do as your heart wants to.,,,,
 
Hi daman, when we were dating, i wasnt aware that he is a mummy boy. Only when we got married, then i got to know about this issue. And talking about the pillar of support when his parents passed away, my mil has already prepared him that when they passed away, the next closest person to him will be his younger brother. And my mil educate both my husband and his younger brother that their wives are just outsiders, and will always be outsiders. She brainwashed them that blood brothers then are important. She even brainwashed them to the extent that they share a joint account to save together for retirement and wives are not supposed to interfere or know what and how much they are doing w the savings account. It is really disgusting. Hence, my hubby always keep his financial status from me, cos he said his mother say wife will take his money away. :(
 
I think you can tell ya hubby that he is already a grown man and should be able to think for himself. And should understand the concept of balance. Anyways, i feel that you do not know him well before you got married hence it was after marriage then you know this inherent nature of his. That said, his treatment of you came from a lifetime of conditioning (by his mum) and re-enforcing. To overwirte that is not easy and takes a long time. next question is, do you have the patience to change him and wait for mil to pass away?
 
Wah...ur mil definitely lived in the wrong era n sad ur hb even though he's well educated was brainwash not to think for himself... U cant let this repeat on yrs kids this thread of negative upbringing ... Divorce if , if uncontested.. Meaning u will to agree to whatever he propose, will take 2-3mths but... But hor ...if u want custody n alimony n he refuse to agree, that is he Contest ur proposals, may take 9mths-2yr +/- and btw $20k-$100k or more depending how complex ur case termed by lawyer ... If u r brave, I'm doing myself ... It will not cost u $5k but ...u need to be determine n be strong as u will need to stand b4 the judge n Mediators to argue n proof ur rights on ur terms of div.

I had give u in a nutshell ...so suggest u consider carefully cos once it starts, mil n hb will treat u like public enemy#1 ... Try disengagement tactics n try counseling gal ...when all else fails ..then bo bian
 
Yes maybe i will try disengagement first... But i really don't know how long like what daman says, to wait for him to change from his whole life of upbringing and conditioning... Really tough on me mentally & emotionally... :(
 
Sad to hear this but then again, I think it is not to that extent to divorce because of in laws. Of course, I feel you (I live with my inlaws for past 11 yrs already and now with a 4mths old baby) when he side with his parents. The question is how to let him see that you and him are now also a family.. First thing first, if your MIL logic is wives are outsiders, then ask your hubby, isn't his mum, your FIL's wife and therefore an outsider too? But does he treat her as such? Obviously no right? Also, the part about younger brother, ask him if he is sick, does the brother bring him to see doc? If baby need help taking care, is his brother involved? Show him all the different life cases where you as the wife and mum step in instead of the brother and let him know much as the brother is blood related, but there are some things he can't do as well… Share with him nicely and let him see your point of view.. Hope it helped!
 
Hi feliciatan22! I really take my hats of u, for u to stay w ur pil for 11 years is definitely not an easy feat. The points that u hv brought up, I've shared w my spouse through heart to heart talk sessions. For my mother who sld also be their outsider, he said, is different, bcos that is his mother, and his mother is a wonderful person. For his brother, i explained to him the points that u hv mentioned, but he said mil say cannot trust outsiders, while they take care of ur kids and take care of u when u r sick, it's their duty, but that doesn't mean anything. I painstakingly took care of him when he was hospitalized, I stayed over night to accompany him in the hospital and slept on the sofa cos he stinged to pay for companion bed. His brother did not even come to see him as his brother say busy w his wife & kids. Then i used this example to explain to him. What i got from him was, he is still my brother, and no matter what u do, my mother say u r still outsider, i can only trust my brother and i will only share my finances w my brother. He mentioned to me that my mil had tasked him to take care of his brother for his whole life.
 
Actually I don't think the in laws is the main problem here. The main problem is your husband's stand in all this. I believe it is possible to prioritize your parents but also care and understand your spouse. What I see here is just his blind faith in that you will never be family, always an outsider. This reflects a lack of trust which is fundamental in any relationship. It seems he is not willing to compromise anything nor want to make things work out.
 
Then my question is how your relationship with your MIL? Maybe have to work from her side? Did you ask her if he is sick did his brother take care of him? Quote her the sample about him being hospitalize and who is the one taking care of your hubby? Does she wants your hubby to stay lonely till old age? Your hubby can take care of his brother for his whole life then who will take care of him when he is old? Did she consider that? Is it fair for him then? Also, ask him then how about you who is the wife and mother to your child, aren't you a wonderful person as well? If she is a wonderful person, will anyone ask someone not to trust the wife then? I think he is just listening to her in blind faith that you just have to keep showing him what is the facts and truth here. I know is tiring but time will tell also...
 
Hi Happy Mummy, i feel you are somehow in similar situation as me. Anyway we have not divorce yet as we are waiting for the flat to mop next yr to sell. Just few mths back i have filed for maintenance for my son. He is now paying me mthly his son maintenance. He visits his son twice per wk.

Somemore your case is similar that my husband chose to listen to his mum rather than me. Over the yrs, after so many tries to be nice to my MIL and present the best. She is someone extremely hard to please. She is working and she cant take care of my son since born. But she dislike the fact that i let my mum take care. She everything also want to meddle on how my mum take care. She is afraid that my son will be closer to my mum. She keeps wanting my son to go child care. She is always beside my hubby trying to manipulate him. I have come to a point whereby i feel its pointless to mend this marriage since my husband doesnt listen or be fair to me anymore. My husband says my mum runs the family. I seriously sick to explain to him that what has it got to running the family when my mum is only taking care of our son. Leave is a best. Who wants to divorce and be a single mother unless things has come to an dead end. Explaining and pleasing doesnt solve the issues with unreasonable people. They have their own thinking and common point against me.
 
I seriously don't know if i hang on, will time tell, and will he slowly discover to treat me like his own family... And if i take the plunge to divorce, I'm also gambling that i can handle all the emotional stress over this fact and judgemental criticism that may result... Really feels very sad... :(
 
Hi Happy Mummy, yes ...divorce life is uncharted waters for u n its really not easy unless .. U hv very supportive parents n siblings n a lot $$ to splash to the lawyer who will lead u like a dog on leash ...sorry but personally having self represent so far with aid from Pro Bono n lawyer friends,its not that difficult after all. But...for u...there's no third party,its just conflict of interest n life style ... So try to find subtle ways of disengagement n isolation e.g. I gave the excuse that my gal's kindergarten is too far away fm mil, I need to bring my gal for therapy bababa ....a thousand excuses ..may be also am bless as my mil focus on her grandsons instead of my gals..hehe ... But just sharing to may be give u some wild ideas ... And u really need counselling as both of u are hurt n hurting marriage if left untreated will sink deeper n closer to divorce.
So, pls dun think u are rid of him n his mil after divorce, he will still be awarded visitation rights n he n his mum will pull a lot of dirty tricks until u buah tahan ...so thread wisely ...consider all angles n control ur temper ... God bless
 
Oh dear, I guess your MIL was treated like that when she was younger. I suggest U give the marriage some more time before you make the final decision.

Continue to respect your MIL no matter what as long as you are are DIL. Continue to get anniversary presents for your husband even though U know you won't receive any. Just continue being the original you until you are very ready.

I feel divorcing due to inlaws is a rash decision. I had a fair share of the same hurdle few years back. Mine probably worse because I had another SIL to deal with in the house as well. It was really emotionally taxing especially when I am a FTWM like you. I don't feel both attached to my husband and my child. I managed to make it today! What made my husband grown attached to me and children is my children. Ironic yeah? Kids made us drift initially but made us closer eventually.

Don't give up! Wish U best of luck!
 
It really warms my heart to hear and receive so much advice & encouragement here! For time being, maybe will suggest go for marriage counseling. Anyone have any recommendations where to seek counseling from? TIA
 
Hmmm... I only know Anglican n Methodist churches hv professionals free counselor cos I attended ...other than that sorry... I dun believe in throwing $ la ...if u want u can pm me ... God bless
 
Hi Happy mummy,

I am sad to hear your story and how your husband treated you. It is always difficult staying with in-laws when their concept and thinking with us are different. I know how you feel from the bottom of my heart. But, don't take it so lightly and file a divorce with your husband. Think of your baby, how will your baby feel when he is all growth up? There are many ways to solve the issue other than filing a divorce, try counselling; talking to a professional counselor or social worker might help to solve the situation. Maybe your husband need a professional third party to advise him the way he acted and his attitude is wrong. Some people don't listen to their loved one because they have the mind set that 'you have to listen to me' but having a third party to explain the situation to him may help. Why don't you give it a try? Don't do things that you will regret. Think of how you guys went through from a BGR to married life. He must have find you special that he decide to held your hand and ask you to marry him. You are upset and negative because your surrounded by the negative environment. Think of the positive and get help from the professional. Divorce should always be the last choice and not your first choice.

Stay positive as always.
 
Hi Happy Mummy

You can visit touch family services at bukit merah. You can look for mun lan and edmund. But most importantly is that your hubby must be willing to go through marriage counselling. Edmund used to be a very successful businessman and then retire (or something) to do social work. He's very nice and extremely willing to help!
 
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