Advise needed for staying with In-Laws?

[acey]

I’ve been married for a bit more than a year and have pretty much been though most of the ordeal mentioned. My attitude towards ILs has evolved from one of RENness to questioning myself: What do I want from the marriage? I can rationalize and REN to reduce conflict, but I believe too much rationalization/ suppression of our emotions (doing what you should rather than what you really want) makes one unhappy. ILs just have no idea how hard women nowadays have to work. My MIL was commented once that she should have gone out to work; she can go shopping and enjoy herself instead of sacrificing her life for the family. When remind her she’s free to look for a job 10 yrs ago, her children have long grown up, she’ll say she’s very busy with cleaning the house everyday.

1) I understand my MIL is insecure and need to cling onto her only son- my hb (though she has another daughter). But does one woman (MIL)’s ignorance and insecurities give her the right to interfere and mess up another woman (the DIL)’s marriage? I have asked my hb to call his mum/ chit-chat with her more to manage her insecurities. His response is a mix of avoidance and lukewarm acknowledgement. And I’ve to deal with my MIL questioning if we spend a lot of time at my parents’ place (?!) I wish I could tell my MIL one day that I didn’t steal her son; she scared him away.

2) I’m not staying with my ILs though they are can’t wait to invade our house. Since I paid for 50% of the house and share 50% of the household expenses, I don’t see why my ILs& relatives should behave like it’s a given right for my ILS to move in and take over house. If I paid for half with my hard-earned money, I have equal rights to be a filial daughter and my parents have equal right to move in, isn’t.


3) Why isn’t there a marriage workshop for ILs. Or why doesn’t MCYS do some campaign to educate the ILs. The ILs need someone one to tell them the damages their selfish whims are doing to their children’s marriage(s). I feel exhausted, my patience tested and my faith in the marriage tested and weakened.

 

[koala_pig]

kelcqi ,

are you currently staying in your inlaw's place?
At least your in-law allow you to do confirnment at your mum's place. My In-law dont...The previous time, she actually quite angry when we suggested this idea!!

Now, i have moved back to my IL place & i have plans to have a 2nd kid...I dont think she can do confinment for me as she has a job!! & the place is too small to hse another confinment lady!! HOW?

Acey,
I really agree to Point 3!! haha...Generation has changed. our mindset also changed over the years. Woman in the old days depend alot of son!! They dont really focus on their hubby.

So you stayed w your inlaw before?

My inlaw is not bad except that we really missed the freedom that we enjoyed previously.

 

[cellow]

Dear all,
New to this thread. Reading all these posts abt ILs.... hmm. Takes tolerance on both sides bah.

My ILs are from Malaysia, and coming over to see bb grandson who is due to be born end Jul. My HB is the eldest son, also a fillial son - think it is a good thing - makes him a good man.... Dun think i wanna marry a man who cannot connect w his own family. How to connect w him?

Everything that is different abt my ILs, I attribute to them growing up in diff environment, diff generation.... one ear in, one ear out. I am blessed that they both dun talk v much directly to me, only thro HB, and if I hv smthing serious to say to them, then I go thro HB as well. Works better for us

keep me and HB on the same side, and reminds all of us that ultimately we are all family.

Little things, I just ren.

My MIL bringing some herbs over for my confinement, she treats me like her own daughter. Think that is v generous of her. Actually last time, her own MIL made her do a lot of hsehold / farm chores (she became hsewife when marry my FIL when she was 24) and cook / clean the house for 20+ people. So she knows what it is like to live under a MIL's thumb... and tries not to inflict the same expectations onto me. So far so good.

re: Underwear washing
Initially she also told me not to wash my underwear tog w my HB's clothes, i told her nicely that this is my style, i come from all-girls family mah, if like that, my own dad's clothes will forever b in laundry basket! She seems to get it and adapt for a while, when she is staying w us. I also try to adapt when I m back at their hse in MY, wash my own underwear separately lor.

Wont say I completely understand her smtimes. Relationship is very platonic. FIL no problem la, he just does his own thing.

Fingers crossed that me + MIL would get along during confinement, if not, poor HB would never hear the end of it fm me....

 

[lovebirds]

Hi,I would like to share my story too.

I lived together with my in laws and SIL for 5 years. And the more I see them, the more I want to puke.

Before that, I was a respectful and thankful girl because my SIL was disrespectful and ungrateful. So I want to let them know that I appreciate them by simply greeting them which my hubby n her younger sis don't do and thanking them be it sending me to the bus stop, helping me to take soup or whatever.

All this turned really sour when I was pregnant last year and had to face them everyday for 3 weeks because I was having spotting and was given bed rest by doc.

My FIL is a lazy bum and the person I hated the most. He has been jobless since dunno when and don't have money to pay his current house and therefore my hubby had to take over and therefore we CAN"T have our own house.

Our house is a mansionatte and has rooms upstairs but my FIL went up and saw me twice wrapping the towel after i came out of the shower. And sometimes i never wear bra and he noticed that and now, he will always look at my breast first. When i was wearing a flowy skirt, he was sitting downstairs beside the staircase and I saw him looking underneath my skirt!! And when i was going up the stair, he did the same thing too!! I told my hubby that if i see him doing that again, i will throw my handbag at him. I told my mom this and my mom told me not to wear short skirts, like because of him, i have to restrict myself this n that which makes me hate him even more.

LAzy bum and seldom help out in chores, best part which I despise him is seeing his wife working so hard while he does nothing. In short, he's a good for nothing fella, pervert and MCP.

My SIL, when I was dating my hubby, I will put my clothes at his house and she happily wears them until she's bored with my clothes. Come to my room like as if it's her personal wardrobe and simply take whatever she wants and uses my make up and after using, don't want to wipe the mascara stain on my eyelash curler.

Take my tiffany ring, and just nice, when i want to wear it, it's not there and when i reach home at night, it's there. My friend said that I'm at fault to not comfront her immediately and just kept on complaining abt her. So i went to confront her one day and she can use give me attitude saying she didn't wear my leggings and showed me her own leggings.

Can u imagine, she has her own leggings, but still come and take mine. In the end I gave her a good lecture and now, she seems to not touch my things anymore (but actually i won't know until when i want to find something and it's not there).

All this habits have already been there when i was dating my hubby but I am still ok with staying together last time coz i don't have to clean the whole house and wash my own clothes. So i tolerate and respect, in the end, I CAN"T STAND IT.. all of this becomes HATE!

 

[mrs_pm]

hi all....
glad i am not alone here.

i hear a lot of stories (99% of which are bad) of staying with in-laws.
in the past i dun bother much about this because right fr start,
told HB no matter wat i want a house of our own.

when FIL passed away during our courtship period...
we found our lovenest, got married & happily stay together just both of us.
that changed when MIL+SIL+BIL quarrelled over the house, wealth, etc...
so MIL was shooed away to stay with us...

SIGH..... just as we thought no interruptions.

it has been 2++yrs now MIL stayed with us.
MIL decided to sell her house & settle the mess once and for all.
everything is just about to settle down now...
evnthough my MIL is generally a nice person, we still have disagreements.
lucky for my side, this is our house... so i insists on having the most say, she cant really say much except confide in my HB...
which later i get to know from him.

if given a choice, i would stil not wish to stay with ILs but when your IL is a single parent,
it is hard to disagree with your other half, as they wish to be a filial son/daughter....so no choice leh.

i often confide with my GF, she is staying with her ILs too.
she not on speaking terms with her MIL.....and her SIL is a pain in the ass.
on the other hand, i am glad, MIL & myself sort out our differences...despite the occasional bickerings.
there has to be a L O T of tolerance, just like what the others said earlier.

I hope all of you who share the same fate as me can share your experiences too.
thanks.

 

[whitequeeniie]

I have been staying with my in laws. All have been good! Tolerance, respect and understanding play a big part under the roof..

 

[berlingoh]

My hubby n I have been staying out together for 7years. Now becos of some reasons we need to move and stay with my in-laws.
I've never stayed with them b4 and i do not know if i can adapt to it anot. I still have a 5 years old daughter.
Sigh...

 

[whitequeeniie]

Dear all,

Some problems faced, not sure if I’m thinking too much or not.

I am not married, but living with my fiancé who has just proposed to me 4 months back. We are in the midst of planning to get married next year.
In laws were not around in Singapore most of the time, in future, we will still be staying with In laws, not moving out so soon.

I love to cook, hence I cooked some dessert, hope this can cool down the temperature.
Cooked while in laws were not around, just last week, they saw me cooking the whole pot of dessert.

I have to admit I cooked too much. But I did not do it intentionally. But I’m used to cooking a big pot of desert when I am at home.

MIL then told me not to touch her food in the fridge anymore and asked me not to buy vege and store in the fridge when there are already a lot (Yes, their house have many stuff, but not all I like).

She was telling me on the night and the next morning. Twice. I nod my head, not saying anything. In the morning, after she’d said, I went into our room and drop tears. Luckily, fiancé is sweet enough to hug and tell me that he knows I did not do it intentionally. He understands how I feel and told me it is not easy to stay with in laws.

Is it wrong for me to buy wad I like and store in the fridge? As & when I wan to eat, I can cook? Now, SIL is back from a holiday and she got her lots of food for her to cook.

Is my cooking that lousy? Or I don’t know how to estimate? Or am I thinking too much?

Appreciate your advices please.

 

[hopefully]

whitequeen,
kitchen is a woman's territory if she loves cooking.
I have never cook in my MIL place, unless its for my baby. Cos I know my standard of cleaning up her kitchen wont be up to her standard. plus my liking of food different from them.

but if u only have a small portion of food u like to store in her fridge and can quickly use/eat it, should be alright isnt it?

or next time ask your fiance to put the food for u into the fridge.

I am staying with in-laws, not much of conflict as I dont chit chat wit them. but certain things I have to tolerate is they DOTE on my baby, despite me telling them baby cant take certain fruits (he has wheezing), they still feed him infront of me, which is very piss off for me. I tolerate as I dont want to quarrel. after all I am living in their house.

 

[kampong]

Its nv easy with inlaw!

 

[porky_jean]

never stay with in laws if u hv a choice !

 

[mannmann]

hi there, I new here.

my problems is my mother inlaw (MIL).

I, married, 3 years, no kids yet, staying with her, cannot stand her, very talkative, busybody, interfere our private life, controlling etc.

please advice ?

 

[innocentwar]

No kids oredi like tat, have kids it will be worse... If possible, moving out would be the best option.

 

[mannmann]

we got think before, moving out, but he still thinking who will take care his mother later, he only son, FIL pass away when he still young, sometimes feel like abit uncomfortable or embrassing when during that s**, as MIL sleep next room to us.

 

[innocentwar]

how about finding a unit near his mother's house? either same block or few blocks away... can take care and yet maintain a distance, and lesser conflicts...

my PIL used to stay with us, too much conflicts and caused endless of quarrel between me and hubby... now tat they moved out... peace restored... anyway, they moved out to 2 blocks away only... staying at 2nd BIL's house... i think now is quarrels between 2nd BIL and his wife liao...

 

[mannmann]

yes, good ideas, finding nearer to my MIL house, much privacy N freedom, especially during that time, we got few incident before, feel like abit uncomfortable or embrassing.

 

[innocentwar]

hopefully your hubby agree to the idea... and hopefully your MIL dun play soap (SOB) opera when your hubby suggest moving out...

my MIL act pity and say stuffs like "you dun want me issit?" to my hubby when we looking for flat... so KNS...

 

[xbd]

Hi Innocentwar,
I also stay with inlaws and I'm feeling miserable. How did your PIL agree to move out and also for your BIL to consent to them moving in with him? And how did you get your hubby to support you? It sounds like mission impossible for me.

 

[innocentwar]

Totally understand how you feel... Worse when you don't get the understanding and support from hubby...

Anyway for me, i gave hubby the ultimatum... In the nick of time, 2nd BIL himself request for his parents to move over to their place to help take care of their boy...

 

[xbd]

They have their own place yet they set a rule that both hubby and his brother must keep a room for them. And just because they contributed to my house and they are the elders, they insist on having the master bedroom. Hubby kept asking them to return us the master but they refused and even lose their temper. Half the time they are not staying in my house, yet they do this to us. The other 2 rooms are too small to squeeze in the cot and now hubby and I had to sleep in separate rooms (because baby sleeps with me). Many nights, I'm left fuming alone in the room, knowing my PIL are in the master bed room with their own bathroom, as if they are the young couple with a baby. I asked myself why they don't feel bad and why hubby and I always 'lose out' to them. I realised it's because we are not as inconsiderate and unreasonable as they are. We still respect them and don't lose our tempers. It's because we are a stupid couple that cause them to bully us like that.

 

[innocentwar]

For your case, it's difficult. Cos they contributed to your house and they gonna use that against both of you for the rest of your life.

In my situation, our house is entirely contributed by ourselves, including maintenance, bills,etc... Other than the ridiculously big altar, they have no say in our decision making for the house. And fortunately, my hubby understand that the master bedroom belong to us.

Unless you and hubby stood for yourself, you can only remain as it is now and continue to fume alone at night.

 

[xbd]

Innocentwar, did your relationship with your hubby suffer as a result, if you don't mind me asking? I know my hubby will say things like they are parents afterall, they are not that bad... and i'll be at a loss of words and it will look as if i'm the unreasonable one instead for pushing them away.

 

[innocentwar]

Inevitably, yes... But it's already in very bad state when his parents were still staying with us, made worse by hubby always sides them. As long as they continue to stay with us, we're definitely heading towards a broken marriage... Might as well give the ultimatum, since the consequences may be the same... I was prepared for the worst anyway.