When ur husband shares everything with ur MIL

[avocado]

hi,
my husband is a mummy's son.He shares everything with his mother(yes,my MIL).I find it extremely irritated,coz i feel he is very "si si".Being a man of 42yrs old,he is worse than a woman.I don't even share everything with my mum.

We've been married for 10yrs.Our relationship turns sour coz of my MIL. Though we don't stay together,she calls my hb frequently & we quarrel often coz of this.Yes,my MIL always calls for nothing.

He said i am jealous.But i am reali not! I just can't stand the sight of a 42y.o man who still behaves like a mummy-son.

Furthermore,my MIL is a big fat kepo.She likes to gossip.The irritating part is my hb tells her everything & the next day,all his brother,sil,relatives will know abt our thingie.I told my hb but he doesn't believe.We've been in cold war for months.I can't talk to him anymore,knowing that he'll share everything wf his mum.

 

[emeraldy]

Hi Avocado,

Your husband really sound like my brother-in-law. He's on the phone almost everyday with my MIL. As I stay with her, so most of the time I can hear what she's talking to him about. And most ridiculously, when he spoke to her about the problem of his son, my MIL will normally give him the 'older' days method of teaching kids to him. And shockingly, he really followed her teaching. It's no wonder my SIL no longer come to visit my MIL anymore. It's real irritating.

I ever warned my hubby. He'd better not be like his brother. Or else I'll sure leave him. But one thing can't help for sure, my hubby super dependent on his mother. Another mummy's boy. In terms of receiving pampering. So far, never hear him gossip so much about us to her.

 

[avocado]

hi caterpilly,

how ur hubby dependent on ur his mother?emotionally or financially?how old ur hb?

what i cannot stand my hb is when he talks to her mother,he'll behave like woman,talk softly & secretly,so scare i hear...cannot stand until i told him off.I don't even behave like this when i talk to my mum.

i would rather my hb shares everything with his guy friends than wf his mother.Unfortunately,he only has few guy friends & i doubt he'll share his prob wf them.

whenever i feel so IRRITATED n question him why he told his mother abt our things,he'll answer:coz she asks. If she asks,does it mean u've to answer? I reali feel like slapping him.Now i would rather share my feelings or everything under the sun wf my girlfriends,coz i no longer trust my hb.

this prob has been there even since we were planning for our wedding that time.I was surprised when his SIL knew all the details.I find it sickening.

ANyone has any suggestion on how to solve this prob?

 

[emeraldy]

Hi Avocado,

He's dependant on his mother emotionally. 39 yrs old already.

Ya, I also agree that rather have hubby share everything with guy friends rather than mother. Cos like that, it'll cause MIL to have unfair judgement against us. Cos no matter what, it'll still be between us married couple. WHo is she to judge? Unfortunately for me, my hubby's guy friends are very limited. I also don't understand why, most of his guy friends will become my good friends instead. And should there be any gathering or others, it'll go through me instead of him. He has tendency to share trouble with female friends. Thus led to an extra-marital affair 3 yrs ago. Haiz.....

There's no way to solve this issue when hubby love to share everything to mother. It's already a deep rooted habit.

You try once, ask your hubby this question :
'If one day, both you and your MIL drop into the open sea with strong current and waves. Both are also struggling, who will he save first?'

My hubby refused to tell me but through a friend, I already knew the answer. He had people asked him this question before marriage. He will choose his mother. Cos a wife is replaceable. There's only one woman whom had given birth to him.

As a mother, that is a very satisfactory answer. Which of course I hoped my sons will have for me that answer in future. As a wife, it's sure depressing.

 

[september]

I think it is hard to break the bond, coz this habit have been gng on for so many years.

Unless she pass on, if nt there is no end of it. Also, it is better tat he share wif his mum then other woman outside lor....

 

[avocado]

hi caterpilly,
I asked this question B4, he said he won't answer it.So the answer is pretty obvious.

I understand how u feel. I used to put my hb priority as life,but after my miscarriages,I am half hearted.

Now my son is my priority.I gave up on my hb.I've not spoken with him for months.In fact,now I don't mind he has affair...end everything & I start afresh with my son...why i feel this way? Coz to me,he is like a "burden".I cook for him,do hsework for him,run errands for him.but he did nothing & always very calculative..yes,he is behaving like woman...any woman who wanna take him,pls go ahead.I feel so irritating even when he touches me.Yes,we've been sleeping in the separate rooms for months.

Think our husbands do not treat us as their soulmates,then why married me at the first place?

i feel u & ur hb still hv hopes,why not seeing a counsellor? For me,my hb refuses to see counsellor,so I am just waiting & staying wf him until my son gets older or he has affairs,so we could end everything.

U r right,our MILs nvr like us & their advices r always biased.

 

[avocado]

hi mummies,
I find it emotionally drained staying with my husband. To me,he is more like a burden.He makes promises that he nvr keep.We hv lots of disgreements & we can't communicate.
My health has been deteriorated & there r many times i feel like calling a quit.I am tired.
I don't enjoy talking to him coz he always criticizes & accuse me.

 

[moorspa7]

Hi avocado,

I can understand yr situation. Emotional stress is the most damaging to health. My health was compromised and I am still trying to recover. If you intend to let yr hubby go, let him go in yr heart. It is a gradual process. You will be doing yrself a great service. What you are going through is emotional divorce, like what I did. I hv researched on signs of divorce and bumped into emotional divorce. It is described as a couple being emotionally disconnected, and it takes a long time to reach that stage.

I held onto my husband even though he betrayed me. I guess i was too naive thinking he might change for the better, but he never did. Just live his life as usual like nothing has happened, while I was all damaged emotionally and physically. Negligence, no communication etc hurts women, but I also start to realize my husband do not love me enough or rather he doesn't love me at all. I keep looking for an answer what went wrong between e 2 of us, no matter how I tried to make it work, it just doesn't cos you need 2 hands to clap. When I realized he didn't love me at all, I confronted him for an answer, it took mths for him to answer. I finally got my closure and felt better, I decided to let him go in my heart. However, I still can't forgive him but I hv no expectations of him now. It doesn't matter whether he talks to me or not. In the past, I would be unhappy and angry.

 

[mehui]

Agree with moorspa - disconnection is the worst thing to feel 'cos when one party feels that way, the relationship is at a stage where mending is very difficult. Stay strong!

 

[emeraldy]

You know, I just figured something out.

Whenever we have conflicts with in laws, what we can do is to seek comfort with hubby or complain to them. But they just felt that they were being sandwiched in between... finding it hard who to side with. End up, when we get on their nerve.... Haiz....

A guy can never cheat on his mother, as she's his mother and the only mother that he has.

A guy can always cheat on his wife, cos she's getting on his nerve on the so called 'minimal issues' wife is causing at home with his dearest mummy. A wife can be replaced. But never a mother.

A wife is always at the losing end. ** Shake Head **

 

[shoppixe]

Everyone women has their ideal of "running" the house and being a wife. Of course, their mindset is they are experienced in being mums & wives so when we do things our way, its wrong. Cos their way is correct and proven.
And of course their son is always right. Cos its They teach one mah, we on the other hand are other people's daughter. So of cos is we wrong. I always seek solace from my family. Its important to have a place to return to where we can feel safe. Hang in there, I have learnt to lean on my parents and siblings for support.

 

[pink_popsicles]

i feel irritated when my hb shares things with his mom too :/

 

[innocentwar]

Those guys who says wife is replaceable and mother only have one are a bunch of complete idiots!

Cos the wife is at the same time the only mother of their children!

They themselves cannot be motherless, but they can bear to let the children be motherless?!!

So to all the wives, make sure yourselves know how to swim... if really dropped into water, you can save yourself and dun let your children be motherless...

 

[bbtay]

sometimes, MIL can be the Third party in our marraige life. Gonna learn how to handle our feeling. Jia You!

 

[twinstarz]

a marriage is not just about 2 person, is about 2 families and conflict between in laws and wife put the hubby in the most difficult. Have a proper talk with your hubby and ask is it really worth to spoil your rs becoz of your MIL?

 

[frog]

This is an interesting topic. Sounds like my husband! However, my case is such that my MIL wants herself to be dependent on my husband. She has been widowed for 30 years and has no friends.

I told my husband, MIL behaves like a very possessive girlfriend. Once the three of us went to a wedding dinner together. I walked behind them because my MIL wants to hold hands with my hubby. She also wanted him to check her buttons and check her collar, etc - you know, like couples! Same case when we have a meal together, or go out. Always want to get my husband's attention.

I have been married for 7 years and gone past the stage of jealousy, anger, hate and dispair. I find that men are immune to all the above. So nowadays I just state as a matter of factly - what is wrong with their relationship? How does it look like from my angle? I try to ignore my MIL as much as possible. If I engage her, I will have a lot of things to say!

She is indeed the 3rd party in our marriage, but I am sure that is what she thinks of me, too! I am a by-product of which her grandchildren came from. There is no direct reference to me unless it is in a negative way. I do not say bad things about her because it hurts my husband's feelings.

I try very hard to stay positive and calm. Some days I vent on some girlfriends - they understand!

 

[avocado]

this is reali sickening.My MIL used to do that,chk on my hb shirt,hv meals wf him...when i told my hb abt my feelings,he said i am jealous.The best way to minimize contact wf MIL.Focus on the relationship,don't even bring up the topic of "MIL".

 

[avocado]

actuali it is not jealous....but i don't know..coz my mum doesn't do that to me,i find it weird when my MIL did that to my hb...And my hb oredi in his 40s...
I mean i am mother myself,all our children r our "babies" forever,no matter how old they're.I can understand why she does that,but i hope she shld care for my feelings.