What should I do?

[whylikedat]

My husband and I had a good 20 years of marriage. Recently, I discovered he had a fling a with a woman via his text on wechat. Confronted him and he admitted, apologized. He has severed all contact with the woman. We were trying to work things out for the family (I have a 15 yr old child). Then he later confessed he had another affair back 2 years back and that ended after the woman went back to China. That fling came after the affair ended. We had a terrible confrontation and I asked him to get outta house to give us a cooling period

I have a good 20 years of marriage and it was all destroyed. What should I do? To give him a chance or to just end it?

 

[KelGen]

Though a saying says "A leopard never change its spots". In usual way, I will definitely tell you to end it as usually once had affair, it's like addiction and will continue having one. However for your case, I feel you should give him a chance. Reason being at least he is honest enough to admit that there's another affair 2 years back. Meaning he is keen and wish to continue in this marriage. As most men won't admit or hide previous affair, but at least he's honest enough to tell you as he can hide it away and perhaps you won't even found out about it.

But again I will say go by your feeling. Trust your own guts. He's your hubby and you should know/understand him well. I believe you still love him a a lot and wish to continue with him. So ask yourself if you can trust him once again, and give this marriage another try.

Best of luck!

 

[whylikedat]

Though a saying says "A leopard never change its spots". In usual way, I will definitely tell you to end it as usually once had affair, it's like addiction and will continue having one. However for your case, I feel you should give him a chance. Reason being at least he is honest enough to admit that there's another affair 2 years back. Meaning he is keen and wish to continue in this marriage. As most men won't admit or hide previous affair, but at least he's honest enough to tell you as he can hide it away and perhaps you won't even found out about it.

But again I will say go by your feeling. Trust your own guts. He's your hubby and you should know/understand him well. I believe you still love him a a lot and wish to continue with him. So ask yourself if you can trust him once again, and give this marriage another try.

Best of luck!

Thanks KelGen.

It's not easy for me to forget what he has done. The images are playing back every day in my mind, it's like a deep scar that I feel I will always bear grudges no matter how hard he tries to make things work. We are having a cooling period now to think what we want to do going forward. I am working and I find it hard to stay focus. On one hand, a small part of me wants to try and make it work for our child, yet there is another part of me that cannot forget the betrayal as it's the threshold I hold for myself.

A part of me kept asking, if the China woman never left, would he still continue the relationship and keep me in the dark? Something I dare not continue to probe as I feel the more I dig, the uglier the truth. A wrong is still a wrong regardless of how many affairs/flings one had.

 

[KelGen]

Thanks KelGen.

It's not easy for me to forget what he has done. The images are playing back every day in my mind, it's like a deep scar that I feel I will always bear grudges no matter how hard he tries to make things work. We are having a cooling period now to think what we want to do going forward. I am working and I find it hard to stay focus. On one hand, a small part of me wants to try and make it work for our child, yet there is another part of me that cannot forget the betrayal as it's the threshold I hold for myself.

A part of me kept asking, if the China woman never left, would he still continue the relationship and keep me in the dark? Something I dare not continue to probe as I feel the more I dig, the uglier the truth. A wrong is still a wrong regardless of how many affairs/flings one had.

Can understand your feeling. It will take super long time to forget. And trust me, even after 10 years or so, you will still remember such incident. I also won't advise one to stay on for the sake of children. All the more your kids are in teenage age now. He/She will also have his/her own thinking. And I'm sure he/she will be understandable too. Kids now are very smart....

I will say if you want to try out this marriage, then don't think of the 'IF' part. This will only makes both suffer. Instead try to 'trust' him and give him another chance. Of course not fully trust, but again don't suspect or think too much. Or perhaps you can try talk to him and discuss with him if want to salvage this marriage.

 

[margret]

Remember this. Before u forgive him, is he still having affair behind your back. Be clear about this before u forgive him as it will bounce back at you and give u a serious knock on your head.

 

[whylikedat]

Can understand your feeling. It will take super long time to forget. And trust me, even after 10 years or so, you will still remember such incident. I also won't advise one to stay on for the sake of children. All the more your kids are in teenage age now. He/She will also have his/her own thinking. And I'm sure he/she will be understandable too. Kids now are very smart....

I will say if you want to try out this marriage, then don't think of the 'IF' part. This will only makes both suffer. Instead try to 'trust' him and give him another chance. Of course not fully trust, but again don't suspect or think too much. Or perhaps you can try talk to him and discuss with him if want to salvage this marriage.

Thanks so much KelGen for your advise.

I will take this cooling period to process and think how I want to move forward. Appreciate it.

 

[whylikedat]

you

From what I understand, he said he has ended all affairs after the confrontation with him. Whether or not that is true, I really have no idea coz the trust is broken. Now he is back at his mom's place staying while we cool down during this period, I also cannot guarantee if he is still doing things behind my back.

I will take this period to figure out what I want before making a decision.