What should i do?

R

Regine3838

New Member
Hi everyone out there,

My husband recently treated the house like his "Hotel" (Bath and Sleep) and eyes will always be on the phone (msg).He will go out as early as 5am plus and back home 11-12midnight almost everyday. This have been going on for at least 3 months already.

We talked about this issue a few times and he always says he is working hard for our family. The thing is, I don't see that he is contributing to pay the house loan/hp bill/sp services etc. He is working as a driver, no fixed income. When I asked him where is your $, he will just say his friend/customer have not transfer him yet. And just recently, I got to found out that he change his handphone password. He claimed that I did not ask so he also forget to tell me that he have change his password.

I am a SAHM with 3 young kids. What should I do if this issue keep going on? I am starting to lost trust in him already. What should I do? Engage a PI or a lawyer ? And what will happen to the house and my kids.

Thanks for reading my story and hope someone can help me

Thank you so much : )
 


If he is not contributing to household expenses, and u are a SAHM, where is the $$ for expenses coming from? Burning savings? Whose?
 
Hmm. Will suggest to find out more...
First check with his friend if they really did not pay him as what he claimed...
Like what triple70 mentioned, if you are SAHM, where does the expenses comes from if he didn't contribute?
 
Will agree with @Cindy Tay, that you gonna find out more. Since you are living on your family expenses, PI will be additional cost. If possible check with his friends discreetly.
 
Be careful.
His friends is his friends.
U ask them not only u won't get the info but worse they will tell him. He will be angry and hence become more careful
 
Well in my opinion, since TS is slowly losing trust in him, I bet even if her hubby found out that she approached his friends, nothing much can the hubby done. Her hubby should even reflect on himself why she will go look for his friend, than him.
 
I guess @desparate_wife just wish to be on the safe side in case the husband turn defensive and make things worse.

It is not easy to check with friends, especially if the husband is so 'secretive' now. Unless TS has some close common friends to help out. I think it will be better if family members or TS close friends can help, it is dangerous to do these alone, especially with 3 kids.

as @Cindy Tay mentioned, the husband should reflect on himself. But not many humans have the courage to reflect, they will rather fight or flight.
 
I suggest that if you have the extra money, engaged a PI.
Somehow from the way you describe, I suspect he have a woman outside.
I might be wrong... But the way he act (especially change of handphone password... and no 'income'.. part)
 
Cindy Tay said:
Well in my opinion, since TS is slowly losing trust in him, I bet even if her hubby found out that she approached his friends, nothing much can the hubby done. Her hubby should even reflect on himself why she will go look for his friend, than him.
Click to expand...
To a man, u go to the friend to ask it's make him look bad. Instead of solving the problem, don't u think it's will add in another problem.

Looking at the situation, it's might just be a excuse, that customer n friend owe him money. Pushing him to tell where is the money will not yield any result. U have to do it secretly.
 
TS,
What do u really want? A div?
U dont need a PI to get a div. Just upfront tell him it’s not working out. Chances are, he wont contest it. Sweet and simple uncontested div.

U want him to love u? U think confronting him with a PI report will suddenly wake up him and be your pet? Chances are, he will file for div before you.

It’s not easy for guys to find high paying jobs these days. Let’s all focus on achieving self happiness first. If u cant be happy with him anymore, just tell him now.
 
Basically, his behavior, so far, has click many major EMA checks. your fear is almost certainly justified.

You are losing trust on him but Dv is yet to b on your mind.

I would suggest you do a financial check on yourself.
1) find out about the contribution to your house (eg. whose's cpf used for this house, etc)
2) the cost to engage a PI
3) the cost to engage a lawyer
4) the cost of living after Dv (that i should assume you should better than having a husband not contributing (as claimed), but eating off your hands)
5) dig out his pay slip / CPF contribution / IRAS assessment to chk the numbers. (IRAS assessm should be round the corner now)

btw, i am confused how can a man claim to work hard, but zero contribution to household expenses?

Drivers are clocked by hours. According to his claim, he has worked 19hours daily and 133hour weekly (mon-sun).
not forgetten MOM regulation is max 44hours/week.

assume his basic salary is $1500/mth (assume on the low side), his OT would have clocked in $2800+. total he should be getting $4.3k++.

Seriously, no money? did u ever sit down w him and be serious about the household expenses? he is conveniently assuming that you are saved by your family side and he dont need to save you anymore...

pls, as a wife, talk to him. make a firm stand. i think you dont wish to stretch the kindness from your own family beyond their threshold. everyone got to be responsible. your husband, wanted to have family joy, also must be responsible to upkeep it.
 
I feel it's not the husband don't know the expenses. He is spending his money somewhere else.
The chances of him having affair is very high.
Many men when they are having affair, spend lavishly outside but doesn't wan to give the wife a single cents.
Now, what to do next.
U need to know and conform your fears.
If talking to him can solve the problems, u would not have come to this stage.
If your finacial allow U,get a PI. Find out the truth. Give u a closure or use it to confront him.
If really it doesn't work out. At least it's easier to use it to file for divorce. Cos at least u can get your children custody and claim maintenance from him. Don't wait too long as your saving is depleting.
Don't listen to these people, in a divorce it's not so easy, he will not admit to have affair. U need evidence to back u up or u need him to agree.
So instead of needing to comprise with him. Use whatever evidence u have not file. He like it or not divorce will go through whether he agree or not
 
I feel it's not the husband don't know the expenses. He is spending his money somewhere else.
The chances of him having affair is very high.
Many men when they are having affair, spend lavishly outside but doesn't wan to give the wife a single cents.
Now, what to do next.
U need to know and conform your fears.
If talking to him can solve the problems, u would not have come to this stage.
If your finacial allow U,get a PI. Find out the truth. Give u a closure or use it to confront him.
If really it doesn't work out. At least it's easier to use it to file for divorce. Cos at least u can get your children custody and claim maintenance from him. Don't wait too long as your saving is depleting.
Don't listen to these people, in a divorce it's not so easy, he will not admit to have affair. U need evidence to back u up or u need him to agree.
So instead of needing to comprise with him. Use whatever evidence u have not file. He like it or not divorce will go through whether he agree or not
 
bretrayed said:
I feel it's not the husband don't know the expenses. He is spending his money somewhere else.
The chances of him having affair is very high.
Many men when they are having affair, spend lavishly outside but doesn't wan to give the wife a single cents.
Now, what to do next.
U need to know and conform your fears.
If talking to him can solve the problems, u would not have come to this stage.
If your finacial allow U,get a PI. Find out the truth. Give u a closure or use it to confront him.
If really it doesn't work out. At least it's easier to use it to file for divorce. Cos at least u can get your children custody and claim maintenance from him. Don't wait too long as your saving is depleting.
Don't listen to these people, in a divorce it's not so easy, he will not admit to have affair. U need evidence to back u up or u need him to agree.
So instead of needing to comprise with him. Use whatever evidence u have not file. He like it or not divorce will go through whether he agree or not
Click to expand...

Agreed with bretrayed. Her advice is down to earth.
When a man have a 3rd party n not taking care of the family then the wife have to take action fast. If not after all your saving used up, u can't take anymore action
 
Mongkok said:
Basically, his behavior, so far, has click many major EMA checks. your fear is almost certainly justified.

You are losing trust on him but Dv is yet to b on your mind.

I would suggest you do a financial check on yourself.
1) find out about the contribution to your house (eg. whose's cpf used for this house, etc)
2) the cost to engage a PI
3) the cost to engage a lawyer
4) the cost of living after Dv (that i should assume you should better than having a husband not contributing (as claimed), but eating off your hands)
5) dig out his pay slip / CPF contribution / IRAS assessment to chk the numbers. (IRAS assessm should be round the corner now)

btw, i am confused how can a man claim to work hard, but zero contribution to household expenses?

Drivers are clocked by hours. According to his claim, he has worked 19hours daily and 133hour weekly (mon-sun).
not forgetten MOM regulation is max 44hours/week.

assume his basic salary is $1500/mth (assume on the low side), his OT would have clocked in $2800+. total he should be getting $4.3k++.

Seriously, no money? did u ever sit down w him and be serious about the household expenses? he is conveniently assuming that you are saved by your family side and he dont need to save you anymore...

pls, as a wife, talk to him. make a firm stand. i think you dont wish to stretch the kindness from your own family beyond their threshold. everyone got to be responsible. your husband, wanted to have family joy, also must be responsible to upkeep it.
Click to expand...
@Regine3838 I agree with the above, and seriously think that you not only should do the above but also you need to know what you will get after the divorce. i.e will you get the house? or what %tage.?
I think you cannot rely much on his maintenance towards the children, most prob you would get about 1.5K for 3 kids.
Cuz in my humble opinion, with or without your hubby = no difference. He doesnt contribute anything towards the family, he doesnt take care of you, the kids, do housework or bring money back so why is he needed?
 
Thanks so much for all the advices

I will engage a PI and at the meantime find a job.

Will I get the custody of my kids if we divorce?
 
Regine3838 said:
Thanks so much for all the advices

I will engage a PI and at the meantime find a job.

Will I get the custody of my kids if we divorce?
Click to expand...


From what the others mentioned, as long as you have evidence that he is having affairs you will have custody of your kids. In addition, you also need to show evidence that he has not been contributing to the family.
 
Regine3838 said:
Thanks so much for all the advices

I will engage a PI and at the meantime find a job.

Will I get the custody of my kids if we divorce?
Click to expand...

U have being the care giver. Most likely u will get the care n control of your children. But custody will be joint with him.
 
triple70 said:
TS,
What do u really want? A div?
U dont need a PI to get a div. Just upfront tell him it’s not working out. Chances are, he wont contest it. Sweet and simple uncontested div.

U want him to love u? U think confronting him with a PI report will suddenly wake up him and be your pet? Chances are, he will file for div before you.

It’s not easy for guys to find high paying jobs these days. Let’s all focus on achieving self happiness first. If u cant be happy with him anymore, just tell him now.
Click to expand...

It's not so simple just to file for divorce without a valid reason and u wan to take chance with the lawyers fee that he won't contest.

U get a PI. If he is remorseful he might stop the affair. Because of P he wan to file divorce, it's not a valid reason. But u can counter sue him back with PI evidence
 
@Regine3838 just a thought.

what if ur husband is out of job and he dare not tell u? like in "Ilo Ilo".

i know is a bit drama but this can explain why he didn't contribute to the household.

if he is having affair, he probably will smile/giggle whenever he looks at this phone. he probably will look happy when he is going out of the house.

but if he is frowning or quiet most of the time, probably there is something else.

some men keep everything to themselves.
 
sharon_ang said:
It's not so simple just to file for divorce without a valid reason and u wan to take chance with the lawyers fee that he won't contest.

U get a PI. If he is remorseful he might stop the affair. Because of P he wan to file divorce, it's not a valid reason. But u can counter sue him back with PI evidence
Click to expand...

You have totally misunderstood my point. If TS hubby has a EMA, and TS is asking/ gunning for a Div, very high chance he will not contest the div, and will even use the same lawyer as her.

Contested div is a crazy process to go through. Both sides burn huge legal fees for nothing. $ that could be better spent on more critical expenses.
 
triple70 said:
You have totally misunderstood my point. If TS hubby has a EMA, and TS is asking/ gunning for a Div, very high chance he will not contest the div, and will even use the same lawyer as her.

Contested div is a crazy process to go through. Both sides burn huge legal fees for nothing. $ that could be better spent on more critical expenses.
Click to expand...

That is a ideal situation but in truth world it doesn't always happen.
Even with evidence there are many who lies thru their teeth and say he doesn't have 3rd party until evidence is presented in court and the husband have no choice to admit.
If you wan a men to confess without evidence it's going to be difficult. He may agree to divorce but cis u need him to agree to the EMA, he will ask to agreed on his terms then totally the wife will lose out. Why wan to go till that situation.
 
sadliving said:
That is a ideal situation but in truth world it doesn't always happen.
Even with evidence there are many who lies thru their teeth and say he doesn't have 3rd party until evidence is presented in court and the husband have no choice to admit.
If you wan a men to confess without evidence it's going to be difficult. He may agree to divorce but cis u need him to agree to the EMA, he will ask to agreed on his terms then totally the wife will lose out. Why wan to go till that situation.
Click to expand...
Yes. Agree with way sadliving is saying.
Anyway if he really wan divorce, then he would have tell TS in the face he had a 3rd party. Why he still wan to hide.
He wanted best of both world. With TS looking after the children n paying for all expenses while he have a girlfriend outside. He sure wan this to carry on
 
To all those planning a div....

There is a big $$ difference between a contested and a uncontested divorce.

There is also a difference between “wanting a divorce” and “agreeing to a divorce”.

Life should be about seeking happiness.
Getting into a bitter fight might win you the battle, but lose the war.
 
Who wan to go into unnecesaey fight. But no matter what,we women have to safeguard our own interest and right and make sure the husband doesn't shrink his responsibility.

If u have strong evidence. He wan to contest let him be, he lose he pay for the legal fees
 
triple70 said:
To all those planning a div....

There is a big $$ difference between a contested and a uncontested divorce.

There is also a difference between “wanting a divorce” and “agreeing to a divorce”.

Life should be about seeking happiness.
Getting into a bitter fight might win you the battle, but lose the war.
Click to expand...

Yes there are a lot of difference. But many take advantage of women and leave the wife burden with a lot of expenses.

No one go to divorce and want to contest but if really the man is too much, then have to protect our right. If need to use the women charter.
There are many case people contest because they have millions n millions of dollars to fight. How many cases really resulted in contested? Mostly are those high profile and rich people who contest
 
Ultimately, like some older generation's saying 'a woman needs money to fend for herself'. This is so true.

Be it you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.... money is the only thing that will bail you out from your crisis.

If you're the younger ones facing a dv, you may not have the money, but you hv time. You can earn back.

If u are senior ones, you may hv the money. But time isn't on your side. So you will hv to stay smarter over your ego.

Weigh the consequences as time ticks. Like @triple70 mentioned 'you win the battle but lose the war'. Shld you fight for all the honour and live like a pauper thereafter?

During dv, it's important to stay focus and rational. Especially focus on your finances. Coz w money, u r in a better position to handle all the sh*t your ex throw to u aft dv.

If you depleted all the savings and time by prolonging this battle of freedom, do you think you really win this battle?

Hence financial independent is very important to a woman.
 
Last edited:
I thinking we shouldn't fight for honour but if the man doesn't wan to give enough maintenance, equal share of asset division n wan to fight for care n control then by all means make sure u get wat u deserve. U have only once to do it. After divorce then u wan to fight for it will be useless
 
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