Unhappy marriage

[Dilemma82]

Hi all I’m new to this forum and would like to seek some advice on my current situation.
I have been married for 5 years and been complementing of filing for divorce for the past 3 years but did not have the courage to do so as I feel guilty towards my 3 year old daughter as I do not want her to grow up feeling inadequate. My husband has a lot of problems. One of the most unbearable ones is his very short tempered (worsen after kid) as he would flare or throw tantrums over the slightest thing. For eg, spilling water, q too Long, no parking etc. All these trival matters will trigger him to flare and there is not a single day he won’t flare. He is also a v selfish and unreasonable father. To give u an example, few weeks ago, we went to the zoo but fortunately it was raining by the time we reached there. Hence, naturally I took out an umbrella from the car wanting to shelter my daughter from the carpark to the zoo but was told off by him as he finds it’s troublesome to carry umbrella. Despite me telling him that I will be the one holding the umbrella he continued to yell at me saying I’m too protective of my daughter and he himself has not fallen sick before due to rain since young. My daughter is the sickly type since she was 18 months, she went to the hospital twice last year due to pneumonia as my hub passed the coughing virus to her for both ocassion. My husband is those stubborn type that refused to wear mask/see doc/ take medicine or refrain from kissing my daughter despite sick and he is a heavy smoker. My PD tried to talk to him to quit or cut down smoking as my daughter has sensitive airway but to no avail. I have spoken to him many times that we should seek help by going for marriage counselling but was rejected by him. Despite the above, there is basically no communication between us, he is still behaving as though he is single with no family. He packed his schedule with various outing and activities with friends like cycling, mahjong, billard etc. and little or no time for us. Basically he only come home after 9pm weekdays and he will be glued to the phone all the way till night time with no interaction with me. He only spend Saturday afternoon with us and when comes to evening time, off he went for his own activities. TBH he has not even touch me ever since I was pregnant but we were having v active physical intimacy before preggy.
Should I continue to endure to maintain this marriage or give up and raise my daughter on my own?
Any form of advice will be greatly appreciated!

 

[capricorn18]

Hi Dilemma82, thank you for sharing such a personal experience and sorry to hear that you are in such an unhappy marriage.

I guess you should try to salvage the marriage first. However, I feel that as a mother - you should prioritise your daughter's well-being and ask yourself this - is this the kind of man you would want your man to marry? Someone selfish and short-tempered? Children are very impressionable and the kind of environment they grow up in is very important in my opinion.

Of course nobody is perfect and everyone has their short-comings but I feel that you should try to voice out your unhappiness to him first and see what his response is? If the marriage is too tiring for you to be in and causing you more misery - I suggest you think for yourself and your daughter if you are better off without him.

Sending you virtual hugs

 

[Dilemma82]

Hi Dilemma82, thank you for sharing such a personal experience and sorry to hear that you are in such an unhappy marriage.

I guess you should try to salvage the marriage first. However, I feel that as a mother - you should prioritise your daughter's well-being and ask yourself this - is this the kind of man you would want your man to marry? Someone selfish and short-tempered? Children are very impressionable and the kind of environment they grow up in is very important in my opinion.

Of course nobody is perfect and everyone has their short-comings but I feel that you should try to voice out your unhappiness to him first and see what his response is? If the marriage is too tiring for you to be in and causing you more misery - I suggest you think for yourself and your daughter if you are better off without him.

Sending you virtual hugs

Hi Capricorn18, thanks for hearing me out and shared your thoughts with me. What you have pointed out is very true as children are very impressionable from a v young age. Sometimes when he talks to me with a raised tone, my daughter would tell him off by saying ‘do not scold my mama’. I have tried several attempts to talk to him but he will always come out with all sorts of excuses like work stress etc and will try to be better but it was v short lived, like improved 1-2 days then back to norm. I believe it’s due to family genes as his father is verbally abusive towards the mum which he hated his father for it but unknowingly he is becoming like one. I thought of engaging a lawyer to draft out the divorce letter as a final ‘wake up call’ to him as my intention is to use the divorce paper as one last final straw to scare him to show I’m really serious about leaving him and not just say say only. In the event if things really improve after the letter has been served but not signed, I will consider to retrace the divorce. Does anyone know the procedure for divorce well? In the event if he did not sign on the uncontested agreement, what will happen next? Is there any timeline that he needs to sign and return the paper?
Any kind inputs will be greatly appreciated, thanks

 

[Mongkok]

He has a woman outside?

Don't threaten a marriage. Want to dv, jus make up your mind and do it. If u u-turn after half way thru, u will be worst off.

 

[Dilemma82]

He has a woman outside?

Don't threaten a marriage. Want to dv, jus make up your mind and do it. If u u-turn after half way thru, u will be worst off.

Hi Mongkok,

Thanks for your reply. I was suspecting as well but he denied it saying that is the last thing he would do. He brushed it off saying it’s due to work stress as he wasn’t doing quite well previously but seemed like his work has been improving but yet our relationship drifted far apart.
I wanted a divorce provided that he can still provide what he has been providing to support the kid. I’m quite concern that if it ended up a contested divorce, I may ended up raising the kid all by myself which I simply cannot afford to

 

[Cindy Tay]

HI TS,

Well, probably he's having stress after having a child, which causes the changes of his temper. Some men are like that. It will need lots of time, and patience for him to change. First issue over here is, are you willing to have the patience and time to wait for him to change?

How old are you both? Guess he's not mature enough to start a family yet. Hence despite having a kid, he's still behaving like he got no family commitment/burden.

I agreed with Mongkok. Don't ever threaten divorce in a marriage. If you decided to go for divorce, then just file for it. But be prepare to fight if he doesn't not agree to it. In the end, will only be wasting your $$ only.

I will suggest to have a talk with him, and to have things solve it out together. Be it his activities with friends or spending time with you and daughter.

If really still no improvement shown, then maybe you can consider divorce.

 

[Dilemma82]

HI TS,

Well, probably he's having stress after having a child, which causes the changes of his temper. Some men are like that. It will need lots of time, and patience for him to change. First issue over here is, are you willing to have the patience and time to wait for him to change?

How old are you both? Guess he's not mature enough to start a family yet. Hence despite having a kid, he's still behaving like he got no family commitment/burden.

I agreed with Mongkok. Don't ever threaten divorce in a marriage. If you decided to go for divorce, then just file for it. But be prepare to fight if he doesn't not agree to it. In the end, will only be wasting your $$ only.

I will suggest to have a talk with him, and to have things solve it out together. Be it his activities with friends or spending time with you and daughter.

If really still no improvement shown, then maybe you can consider divorce.

Hi Cindy,

Thanks for your advice! I’m 38 and he is 41, so we are both very matured to start a family. I have attempted many times to talk to him, it’s either he kept silence or he will simply say he does not know why is he treating me that way. I dunoe whether is it due to psychological problem as he refused to seek help from marriage counsellor etc. Actually we have been on a Long distance relationship for 4 years before getting married. After marriage, he made his choice to come back to Singapore and set up a company with a frd. Unfortunately he was betrayed by his frd and he lost his job, during that time I was preggy and I have been understanding enough to buy and prep all the baby necessities all by myself with my own money. He was driving GrabCar after he lost his job for 6-8 months and also at this time my daughter was born. Now he has secured a stable job with good income and I do not understand why his attitude worsen despite he has overcome those obstacles.

 

[Dilemma82]

I have no choice but to threaten a marriage by issuing the lawyer letter to make him talk. Otherwise I cannot continue to suffer and this has impacted on my daughter’s well being. There are many occasions that my 3 year old daughter will tell him off like ‘u cannot shout at my mama’ despite we did not quarrel

 

[Cindy Tay]

Hi Cindy,

Thanks for your advice! I’m 38 and he is 41, so we are both very matured to start a family. I have attempted many times to talk to him, it’s either he kept silence or he will simply say he does not know why is he treating me that way. I dunoe whether is it due to psychological problem as he refused to seek help from marriage counsellor etc. Actually we have been on a Long distance relationship for 4 years before getting married. After marriage, he made his choice to come back to Singapore and set up a company with a frd. Unfortunately he was betrayed by his frd and he lost his job, during that time I was preggy and I have been understanding enough to buy and prep all the baby necessities all by myself with my own money. He was driving GrabCar after he lost his job for 6-8 months and also at this time my daughter was born. Now he has secured a stable job with good income and I do not understand why his attitude worsen despite he has overcome those obstacles.

Seems to me he's been having lots of stress as well. Probably due to covid, he's afraid of losing this job too, especially he just started work? And moreover he's been a boss for past years, and suddenly becoming a worker, he may not get adapt to it. But still, it doesn't mean he can vent his anger on you...

Communication is important in a relationship/marriage. If he doesn't talk to you about it, then this marriage really difficult to continue on. Think over it again, and if divorce is the only way out for you, then instead of threaten, file for divorce then. But like mentioned, if you both did not communication about it, be prepare to go into contested divorce, and prepare to dump in $ to fight the case...

 

[Dilemma82]

Hi Cindy, the contested div is that’s what I’m afraid of as it will turn ugly and nasty and v costly. He is still his own boss now and his job is covid proof. Moreover he has been making quite a fair bit, 6 figures or so from the stock market. I’m concerned that what if during the div, he reduce his pay and under declared the company P&L? I probably will get little or nothing, if so I really will have a hard time raising my kid. Moreover he can transfer his funds to his sister’s account who he trusted the most, hence he can show to court that he does not have any assets and I got nothing to claim on him

 

[Dilemma82]

Anw how to communicate the terms and condition prior to filing? I can’t just write down what I want and discuss with him before filing correct as he will not listen and will not think I have the guts to do so. Does anyone know is there any window period that he needs to sign the paper to be effective?

 

[Cindy Tay]

Anw how to communicate the terms and condition prior to filing? I can’t just write down what I want and discuss with him before filing correct as he will not listen and will not think I have the guts to do so. Does anyone know is there any window period that he needs to sign the paper to be effective?

Yes. need to talk to him... Well, you can draft out the T&C and things you want. Then show it to him during discussion. See which he can agree or not. And those not agreeable, can try nego/discuss further to the minimum you can accept. If still cannot, then no choice but to go for divorce and contested...

After serving of writ of summon (meaning you engage lawyer and serve him notice that you are filing for divorce), I think within 14 days(?), he need to react. Whether is contest or non-contest. If he doesn't, will consider as uncontested...

 

[Lostdad]

you two need to date each other again. like dinner and a movie, no kid. rekindle the spark and attraction.

 

[Dilemma82]

you two need to date each other again. like dinner and a movie, no kid. rekindle the spark and attraction.

Ya I would think so. Last Xmas we went for a turnaround trip to Bangkok without my daughter. Maybe in a foreign land, he started to hold my hand and hug me during the BTS ride. For movie we have been avoiding due to covid, even pre covid we went for movie we also don’t talk, just watch movie and go home

 

[Dilemma82]

Yes. need to talk to him... Well, you can draft out the T&C and things you want. Then show it to him during discussion. See which he can agree or not. And those not agreeable, can try nego/discuss further to the minimum you can accept. If still cannot, then no choice but to go for divorce and contested...

After serving of writ of summon (meaning you engage lawyer and serve him notice that you are filing for divorce), I think within 14 days(?), he need to react. Whether is contest or non-contest. If he doesn't, will consider as uncontested...

Thanks for your advice. This coming nov is our 5th year anniversary. I probably have a talk and run through the list with him on the day

 

[Lostdad]

of course men are also driven by hormones, Just be attractive to him.

 

[Dilemma82]

of course men are also driven by hormones, Just be attractive to him.

How to? I admit I do gain a bit of weight after pregnancy cause I also gotten thyroid after preggy. It may not be easy for me to lose pounds back to pre pregnancy stage. But if it’s due to this that he loses interest in me then it shows he is v shallow

 

[Lostdad]

i really dont think he is that shallow. i mean attractive like dressing or perfume. you must know what he likes, just add to that.

 

[Dilemma82]

i really dont think he is that shallow. i mean attractive like dressing or perfume. you must know what he likes, just add to that.

Ok it’s not possible for me to dress like how he always like in the past as I was always on heels but ditch them after kid for convenience sake. I used to like tight sexy dresses but after becoming a mum, I don’t think it’s right or appropriate to dress like how I used to be. Now I wear sneakers more and dress casually and appropriately

 

[Lostdad]

i think it also helps if you take the initiate in the bedroom. He's a man after all. it wont be difficult

 

[Dilemma82]

i think it also helps if you take the initiate in the bedroom. He's a man after all. it wont be difficult

Difficult, I wouldn’t want to look desperate. If I initiated, it seemed I’m forcing him. If he pushes me away, things will look even uglier

 

[Lostdad]

you are his wife, he is your husband, why are you scared of being desperate?

 

[Lostdad]

if he pushes you away, than you would really know that you need to work on the marriage.

 

[Dilemma82]

if he pushes you away, than you would really know that you need to work on the marriage.

I think if that happened, no need to work on the marriage, just divorce. That will be the biggest humiliation for a woman

 

[Lostdad]

honestly he wont. and trust me your marriage is built on stronger bricks than that

 

[Mongkok]

Ok it’s not possible for me to dress like how he always like in the past as I was always on heels but ditch them after kid for convenience sake. I used to like tight sexy dresses but after becoming a mum, I don’t think it’s right or appropriate to dress like how I used to be. Now I wear sneakers more and dress casually and appropriately

A fam Chinese saying.. "there's no ugly women, only lazy ones.".

U just let yourself go after a pregnancy? Everyone is a visual person. Everyone likes to associate w beautiful thgs.

At 38, u r already looking/ behaving/ thinking like an auntie?? What's the diff betw he refuse sex w u and dv?

This world is vicious and unforgiving. It's either you wear that heels or others wear it on your behalf. That harsh. U decide.

U think u won't rch a time to ditch that heels away? Your feet haven't give up, u throw towel liao.

Same as your job. Good outlook attracts more opportunity. Agree?

This isn't called shallow. This is a fact. Accept the fact.

Ppl say marriage has to put in effort to maintain. The effort here means heels, initiative, maintaining yourself, etc. Understand?

So, get your feet into those heels. If he stil no feel, then kick him out and wear for the nex one.

 

[1Corinthians13:13]

How to? I admit I do gain a bit of weight after pregnancy cause I also gotten thyroid after preggy. It may not be easy for me to lose pounds back to pre pregnancy stage. But if it’s due to this that he loses interest in me then it shows he is v shallow

It’s important that we look after ourselves too. Weight gain due to thyroid is common, continue to live and eat healthy. Perhaps it’s good to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby to address your concerns.

 

[Dilemma82]

It’s important that we look after ourselves too. Weight gain due to thyroid is common, continue to live and eat healthy. Perhaps it’s good to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby to address your concerns.

Hi, I think I focus too much on him and the kid that I neglected myself. When he was facing career crisis, it was just me alone who needs to pay all those bills, I have to be frugal to keep the family going, can’t be like in the past spend money buy new clothes, makeup skincare etc, I also sold my facial, manicure packages etc to raise funds to keep it going. I sold many new clothings, bags, jewellery via carousell so I got money to get a baby’s cot, my confinement nanny, Milk pump etc. We been through many rounds of heart to heart talk, initially he promised to change for the better but I think it’s in his blood, he just can’t seem to change. All I can say is that he is not a family man as he enjoy freedom too much. He is not prepared to have kid and to take care of kid.

 

[Dilemma82]

And he did mentioned to me on why he is treating me so cold was because he got no face to see me, he feels I deserve someone better. I should let go and look for someone who can give me happiness. Despite all the hardship, I chose to keep the family together. But now, he is more stable, earning good income, his investment is doing good etc yet his treatment towards me is still harsh and cold

 

[Lostdad]

honestly..the test of love is when a woman stays with a man with nothing, and the test is when a man who has everything stays with a woman,

 

[NatalieTan84]

I will say from a neutral point of view is that why should the husband behave like that and make unnecessary demands on the spouse?

We all have the personal liberty to dress up and do whatever we like in our daily life.Moreover the wife still remained the same and it is the husband who is so cold and behaves indifferent to her.

Shouldn't husband and wife accommodate when they marry each other accepting the flaws and strengths of each other in order to live together?

As she had mentioned,the hard times are over and the hubby is doing reasonably well now,so what's up with those hurting words like asking her to find other men?

She does not owe him anything at all and trying to make effort to engage him throughout the days.

Why should one live like that with such a uncaring and inconsiderate spouse?For who and for what?

 

[Dilemma82]

honestly..the test of love is when a woman stays with a man with nothing, and the test is when a man who has everything stays with a woman,

Yes agreed. I think I have passed the test by staying with him during all his crisis and lowest points in life but I never received his consoling, encouragement when I needed him the most

 

[Dilemma82]

I will say from a neutral point of view is that why should the husband behave like that and make unnecessary demands on the spouse?

We all have the personal liberty to dress up and do whatever we like in our daily life.Moreover the wife still remained the same and it is the husband who is so cold and behaves indifferent to her.

Shouldn't husband and wife accommodate when they marry each other accepting the flaws and strengths of each other in order to live together?

As she had mentioned,the hard times are over and the hubby is doing reasonably well now,so what's up with those hurting words like asking her to find other men?

She does not owe him anything at all and trying to make effort to engage him throughout the days.

Why should one live like that with such a uncaring and inconsiderate spouse?For who and for what?

Very well said, can’t agree more

 

[Dilemma82]

Hi TS,
I chanced upon this forum while surfing the Internet. I frequent another forum where I joined a wechat support group for divorced/sexless/troubled marriages. In it, we share our marriage issues and woes. There are many perspectives being shared mostly from men. Whether for support or just to kpo, i think it may benefit you. Do PM me if you are keen to join

Ps: atm i don't know how pm works here haha

Hello! Have pm-Ed u

 

[NatalieTan84]

Very well said, can’t agree more

I am only saying what I should say.No problem.

 

[axioms]

Hi Cindy, the contested div is that’s what I’m afraid of as it will turn ugly and nasty and v costly. He is still his own boss now and his job is covid proof. Moreover he has been making quite a fair bit, 6 figures or so from the stock market. I’m concerned that what if during the div, he reduce his pay and under declared the company P&L? I probably will get little or nothing, if so I really will have a hard time raising my kid. Moreover he can transfer his funds to his sister’s account who he trusted the most, hence he can show to court that he does not have any assets and I got nothing to claim on him

not say I'm trying to encourage divorce. But you don't have to worry about tricks the guy can pull. In general the courts are quite good at seeing through such things, you rarely see a case when the wife is cheated out on this.

 

[NatalieTan84]

not say I'm trying to encourage divorce. But you don't have to worry about tricks the guy can pull. In general the courts are quite good at seeing through such things, you rarely see a case when the wife is cheated out on this.

The courts will ensure that TS is amply supported because there is rarely the guy can worm out of supporting the divorced spouse.

Strike where it hurts him the most.He will have to declare his assets or whatever he has.You cannot declare that you have nothing/dirt poor in order to avoid giving the child maintenance and alimony for the wife and later turn up a rich man after the divorce.He will sure have official records of his occupation and his declared income.

If I am not wrong,you will be breaking the law if you under declare whatever you have.