Support group for wives with unfaithful husbands

Not every one is so fortunate.
I know of many who thought can slowly salvage the marriage but in the become worse off after being play out by the husband using delay tactics.

It was not an easy journey. I create a step every single day. No one knows my pain so I don't think I am fortunate. But I definitely work on it daily. My breakthrough will my girl only happens year. After 4 Long tough years of having her benign angry with me.

Yeah it really takes 2 hands to clap and depends if they want to work on the root issue. Sometimes the root issue is not adultery. Some times it's the women's fault as well. I gladly admit I also played a part in the failed marriage. Really depends if they want to work on it.
 


It was not an easy journey. I create a step every single day. No one knows my pain so I don't think I am fortunate. But I definitely work on it daily. My breakthrough will my girl only happens year. After 4 Long tough years of having her benign angry with me.

Yeah it really takes 2 hands to clap and depends if they want to work on the root issue. Sometimes the root issue is not adultery. Some times it's the women's fault as well. I gladly admit I also played a part in the failed marriage. Really depends if they want to work on it.


Hey, I've been listening to Esther Perel too. And she definitely shed some insights on why people cheat and how to take the next step, depending on the path you choose. The road to recovery is parallel to Divorce and Reconciliation, decision lays in your own hands.

I've just been recently cheated on. I have a newborn child. I would definitely like to meet up with you ladies so we can share our experiences and thoughts. Let me know if anyone of you is up for it!

Cheers!
 
Oh please !!!! Do not let your husband find out! Adultery n Flirting is immoral but not illegal but what you did is illegal. Under the Computer Misuse act - you logged into his account without his permission. He can report you to police or Singcert. I suggest you delete this post immediately.

And you also need to edit/remove the quoted content from Xhar0205. :)
 
It was not an easy journey. I create a step every single day. No one knows my pain so I don't think I am fortunate. But I definitely work on it daily. My breakthrough will my girl only happens year. After 4 Long tough years of having her benign angry with me.

Yeah it really takes 2 hands to clap and depends if they want to work on the root issue. Sometimes the root issue is not adultery. Some times it's the women's fault as well. I gladly admit I also played a part in the failed marriage. Really depends if they want to work on it.

So glad to hear that at least you are working on it daily. I believe that your effort will pay off eventually!
 
Hi,

I am joining this thread to seek emotional support. I am married to my Husband for 15 years and we have 3 children. I found out about my husband’s affair about 1.5 months ago while randomly browsing his handphone and saw some pics of him with another woman (She is in her mid twenties and 15 years younger than by Husband). I confronted him and he admitted he made a mistake and now the woman is pregnant with his child (13 weeks). His wish is to take care of both sides. I asked if he intend to keep this forever. He said he wanted to ask the woman for a DNA test to confirm before coming clean with me. Stupidly I believe, he quarrelled with the woman about the test but now I think they made up again.

He expresses to me he no longer loves me but treat me as his confidante and I have a special place in his heart as a very good friend and he is willingly to settle this peacefully as he still love his 3 kids very much. He shared no details of the woman but from his messages with her I know her background. She is a Vietnamese PR married to a SG man herself with a 3 yr old kid and currently still staying with her Husband. According to her, don’t know how true, she came clean with her Husband and they had trouble and now sorting things out on their side. The last thing I knew is they are looking for a place to stay. My Husband has now locked his phone and I have no visibility of what’s going on except I know he is still meeting her very often and still lying to me.

I am in emotional roller coaster ever since day one. I cried most of the times and when my children ask why, I don’t even know how to answer. My Husband is now so obsessed with the woman and not even coming home often citing his busy job as an excuse. I feel so bad for my kids when they ask where is daddy? I wanted to save this marriage so badly but day by day I feel my hope is crashing. Though I am preparing myself for a separation but the idea of losing him still hurts so much. Does anyone here have a similar situation? Care to shed some light on how to stay strong and move on?
 
Hi,

I am joining this thread to seek emotional support. I am married to my Husband for 15 years and we have 3 children. I found out about my husband’s affair about 1.5 months ago while randomly browsing his handphone and saw some pics of him with another woman (She is in her mid twenties and 15 years younger than by Husband). I confronted him and he admitted he made a mistake and now the woman is pregnant with his child (13 weeks). His wish is to take care of both sides. I asked if he intend to keep this forever. He said he wanted to ask the woman for a DNA test to confirm before coming clean with me. Stupidly I believe, he quarrelled with the woman about the test but now I think they made up again.

He expresses to me he no longer loves me but treat me as his confidante and I have a special place in his heart as a very good friend and he is willingly to settle this peacefully as he still love his 3 kids very much. He shared no details of the woman but from his messages with her I know her background. She is a Vietnamese PR married to a SG man herself with a 3 yr old kid and currently still staying with her Husband. According to her, don’t know how true, she came clean with her Husband and they had trouble and now sorting things out on their side. The last thing I knew is they are looking for a place to stay. My Husband has now locked his phone and I have no visibility of what’s going on except I know he is still meeting her very often and still lying to me.

I am in emotional roller coaster ever since day one. I cried most of the times and when my children ask why, I don’t even know how to answer. My Husband is now so obsessed with the woman and not even coming home often citing his busy job as an excuse. I feel so bad for my kids when they ask where is daddy? I wanted to save this marriage so badly but day by day I feel my hope is crashing. Though I am preparing myself for a separation but the idea of losing him still hurts so much. Does anyone here have a similar situation? Care to shed some light on how to stay strong and move on?

Ask yourself truly what you want. I think it’s quite unlikely for you to have your husband back since he decided to move out n the viet gal is pregnant. The baby need a father too so most prob he will divorce you, i don’t know if it’s possible for the baby to stay in singapore without them being married. The best thing you can do as a mother is to protect the benefits of your kids now. Get as much info of his financials now n file for divorce, like it or not Men thinks with their small brain and you do not want your kids to grow up with so much other issues that comes with that Viet woman. it’s understandable that you are sad, But please remember you are a mother too.
 
I am not ready to divorce him cause I still love him. But at the same time, I am not willingly to accept things as is now. So most likely will go for a separation. Just checking the terms indicated in a separation deed will go in force if any party file for divorce after 3 years right? Anybody here who are familiar with legal care to clarify?
 
I am not ready to divorce him cause I still love him. But at the same time, I am not willingly to accept things as is now. So most likely will go for a separation. Just checking the terms indicated in a separation deed will go in force if any party file for divorce after 3 years right? Anybody here who are familiar with legal care to clarify?

There are different types of separation- informal, separation by agreement and judicial separation.

I remembered it’s a yes but the court can override the financial portion if any party contest that it’s not just n equitable to current circumstances.
 
Since u have come to this stage. Might as well talk to her husband and try to get her husband from to control that her.

If really separation. And u don't do anything the end result still divorce.
 
Hi, I am a new member ..

I am so confused . My HB keep telling me he never hv any affairs or did anything wrong.

Two years ago, I discovered while we were in taxi, I happened to see his WhatsApp text has ‘’ so I was curious and ask to see his phone. He got angry and fight with me when I try to get his phone.
Den I found out it’s the text to his colleague.

After big fight , he let me read but it was after I ran off and came back to talk. His messages contain eg

They meet at car park , he going to her hotel room ( when they taking biz trip together), he asking whether she wants McDonald’s for bf, he missing her at CNY eve at 12pm! Etc.

He said he need an outlet to talk cos all these years I hv been drinking . Actually he travels a lot and even when not travelling he will go ITV and dinner etc . So I hv been very lonely ( I am a foreigner here). So I tend to drink to beat loniless. As I was not working , I hv no one to talk to and very very lonely. I can’t talk to him abt home matters or anything or else he will say I never understand his work stress and Naggy. I only suppose to share with him all good news .

Till now he still say they did nothing wrong and still working together. Lately both of them promoted and he is her immediate boss.

Everyday I feel like I am a failure and mean and a bad person. He always say I am the worst person in the world.

Where did I go wrong ?

Pls someone help to tell me?
 
I am not ready to divorce him cause I still love him. But at the same time, I am not willingly to accept things as is now. So most likely will go for a separation. Just checking the terms indicated in a separation deed will go in force if any party file for divorce after 3 years right? Anybody here who are familiar with legal care to clarify?
Time will make you accept slowly & when you do self-reflection on what is going on. I'm married with my ex for 10 years & we had 2 kids ( Age: 9 & 3 ). I had been through because in my family value, I believe that once i'm married to this person, I would not choose to exit easily. But things are getting more out of hand after I found out the lying & his often stay out of house & eventually, he never came home.

I'm lucky that I had some close friends & I had a channel to talk things out to them to vent my "frustration" on why things lead that way. No matter what happen, kids' emotionally is what I will seriously look into it as I don't wish to affect them.

We discuss the terms & choose straight to divorce instead of separation because I know we had both move on & at the end, we will still divorce, so not to waste time. I can stay single happily or maybe a chance to find someone again.
 
Hi, I am a new member ..

I am so confused . My HB keep telling me he never hv any affairs or did anything wrong.

Two years ago, I discovered while we were in taxi, I happened to see his WhatsApp text has ‘’ so I was curious and ask to see his phone. He got angry and fight with me when I try to get his phone.
Den I found out it’s the text to his colleague.

After big fight , he let me read but it was after I ran off and came back to talk. His messages contain eg

They meet at car park , he going to her hotel room ( when they taking biz trip together), he asking whether she wants McDonald’s for bf, he missing her at CNY eve at 12pm! Etc.

He said he need an outlet to talk cos all these years I hv been drinking . Actually he travels a lot and even when not travelling he will go ITV and dinner etc . So I hv been very lonely ( I am a foreigner here). So I tend to drink to beat loniless. As I was not working , I hv no one to talk to and very very lonely. I can’t talk to him abt home matters or anything or else he will say I never understand his work stress and Naggy. I only suppose to share with him all good news .

Till now he still say they did nothing wrong and still working together. Lately both of them promoted and he is her immediate boss.

Everyday I feel like I am a failure and mean and a bad person. He always say I am the worst person in the world.

Where did I go wrong ?

Pls someone help to tell me?

Messaging to another female colleague may not mean he's having affair with her. But the bold part is something need to be wary about. I too myself message my colleagues at times if want to get breakfast for her/him. But messages them to go to their room, or even said 'missing her', then not already.

Communication is starting to break down between you both already. As I believe in a marriage, not only happy/good news to share with the other half. But also bad/unhappiness stuff too. Sometimes we just need to rant it out, and our best listening partner will be our pillow mate aka husband/wife. Drinking is bad for health though. So try not to drink that much. Find some other hobbies or stuff to do instead of drinking. There are many nice/friendly people in here (but of course have bad/unfriendly one too). I believe if you want find someone to 'talk', it's very easy.

I do not know where it went wrong though. Have to say many men dislike their partner to have doubt in them. Of course women's instinct is sometimes scary till it can be very accurate at times. So if you based on your instinct/6th sense that he have affair, then something need to be done before it's too later.
 
The purpose of a separation is to have an official cooling period to ascertain if our marriage is over or there is chance of reconciliation. If it’s a divorce at the end of 3 years then I have to accept it. At least for now, I am not ready to divorce but neither feel that our relationship is getting anywhere, 2 months now already, he still meeting the woman behind my back. 3 months or 6 months later, I will not see any difference if I just allow things as it is. In fact after the baby is born, things might get worse. Closed one eye and pretend nothing has happen will not bring peace to my heart. When a man tells you he doesn’t love you anymore, you may need to accept and move on and I think 3 years is a good time for me to determine if it’s the end of this marriage. Although the road is going to be very tough to raise 3 children but better to live through a marriage full of lies and deception and how can I live this kind of life facing my children everyday. He can do it but I can’t so I think separation is the best solution. Going to talk to him this week, just wanna settle this soon, dragging just make the pain worse each day. Please give me all your support. Thanks.
 
The purpose of a separation is to have an official cooling period to ascertain if our marriage is over or there is chance of reconciliation. If it’s a divorce at the end of 3 years then I have to accept it. At least for now, I am not ready to divorce but neither feel that our relationship is getting anywhere, 2 months now already, he still meeting the woman behind my back. 3 months or 6 months later, I will not see any difference if I just allow things as it is. In fact after the baby is born, things might get worse. Closed one eye and pretend nothing has happen will not bring peace to my heart. When a man tells you he doesn’t love you anymore, you may need to accept and move on and I think 3 years is a good time for me to determine if it’s the end of this marriage. Although the road is going to be very tough to raise 3 children but better to live through a marriage full of lies and deception and how can I live this kind of life facing my children everyday. He can do it but I can’t so I think separation is the best solution. Going to talk to him this week, just wanna settle this soon, dragging just make the pain worse each day. Please give me all your support. Thanks.

All the best to you. I hope everything will be settled once you talked to him. You’re right that the more you dragged it, the more it will be painful. It happened maybe because in the future there will be a better things will happen to your life. You deserve someone who will not lie and cheat on you. even though he changed and choose your family, the pain will still remain and there will be doubt every now and then.
 
Talked to him last night. He agrees to a legal separation, will give me maintenance and all but he does not want the family to know. He says he will move out and we just tell my children and in law he working/overseas and he comes back once in a while. Currently he comes back late every night and they only sees him Sat and Sun. He wants things to remain like that but to me this is not separation right? He insists on a divorce if I want everybody to know. In my heart, I thinking is that what he wants so he can marry the woman anytime, if I don’t agree he continues living a double life. He says he does not want to be unfair to me but based on the discussion isn’t this what he meant. So disappointed with him, contemplating a divorce but I really don’t want him to get his way, what else can I do?
 
I can't say behalf of you. But if I'm in your current situation, I think I will proceed with divorce rather than separation
His behaviour telling you that he does not love you anymore. So why torture yourself by staying in this marriage? Let go of it, and file for divorce. Focus the rest of your time on your kids, and yourself! I believe there's better man than him out there
 
Talked to him last night. He agrees to a legal separation, will give me maintenance and all but he does not want the family to know. He says he will move out and we just tell my children and in law he working/overseas and he comes back once in a while. Currently he comes back late every night and they only sees him Sat and Sun. He wants things to remain like that but to me this is not separation right? He insists on a divorce if I want everybody to know. In my heart, I thinking is that what he wants so he can marry the woman anytime, if I don’t agree he continues living a double life. He says he does not want to be unfair to me but based on the discussion isn’t this what he meant. So disappointed with him, contemplating a divorce but I really don’t want him to get his way, what else can I do?

His conditions are unfair to you. in the eyes of the people around you, he’s a resposible husband and also you need the moral support of your parents/family as it’s very hard to face all the problems by yourself. Don’t let him dictate what you need to do.
 
Talked to him last night. He agrees to a legal separation, will give me maintenance and all but he does not want the family to know. He says he will move out and we just tell my children and in law he working/overseas and he comes back once in a while. Currently he comes back late every night and they only sees him Sat and Sun. He wants things to remain like that but to me this is not separation right? He insists on a divorce if I want everybody to know. In my heart, I thinking is that what he wants so he can marry the woman anytime, if I don’t agree he continues living a double life. He says he does not want to be unfair to me but based on the discussion isn’t this what he meant. So disappointed with him, contemplating a divorce but I really don’t want him to get his way, what else can I do?

His conditions are unfair to you. in the eyes of the people around you, he’s a resposible husband and also you need the moral support of your parents/family as it’s very hard to face all the problems by yourself. Don’t let him dictate what you need to do.
 
I agree. And he keeps telling me he still treats me as a friend and cares for me and keep talking to me about his work and life which I am not even interested now. Can’t he understand by continuing to see the woman and living a double life he still hurting me every single day. Like today he is accompanying the woman to hospital for a scan to see their baby gender. He does not even care about my feelings. Till now he can still be so selfish. My Sister advices me to divorce and whatever happens to him and the woman is none of my concern. Initially I wanted to save him and my marriage as I keep thinking the woman is scamming him and I don’t want to let go so easily. But after seeing his behaviour, I really 心寒. Heart really hardened now. If he really come back, feelings also not the same anymore. 2 months already and he never did once say sorry to me in face only through message. So disappointed in him. I will see my lawyer this Fri. Ladies, care to share with me the procedure to file a divorce. I have spoken to lawyer previously, he says very hard to sue for adultery, most likely is sue for unreasonable behaviour. But now I just want to get as much alimony/maintenance as I can for myself and the 3 kids as they are still young and will be so tough to raise them all by myself. Please advise.
 
Talked to him last night. He agrees to a legal separation, will give me maintenance and all but he does not want the family to know. He says he will move out and we just tell my children and in law he working/overseas and he comes back once in a while. Currently he comes back late every night and they only sees him Sat and Sun. He wants things to remain like that but to me this is not separation right? He insists on a divorce if I want everybody to know. In my heart, I thinking is that what he wants so he can marry the woman anytime, if I don’t agree he continues living a double life. He says he does not want to be unfair to me but based on the discussion isn’t this what he meant. So disappointed with him, contemplating a divorce but I really don’t want him to get his way, what else can I do?

You don’t want him to get his way.- This statement is just pure anger. What’s the point of holding on to him?
You say he is willing to give you everything - maintenance n all BUT do you know he can liquidate all out during the 3 years.
You should get something to protect yourself but right now you have nothing. He knows clearly you won’t leave that’s why the terms are unfair to you.
Ask yourself what is fair to you, ask yourself do you really love this person now at this present moment after ALL he did to U n your children. Everybody can tell you what to do but if you don’t do it’s pointless.
 
Eppy, I will do something, I am not a pushover. My mum suffered a failed marriage (alcoholic abuse) 30 years ago and she stayed on for 3 years with my dad. Finally decide to file for separation but after one year, she was mentally and emotionally so tortured until her health gave way and she lost her life to cancer. At her death bed, she told my 8 year old Sister her greatest regret is she never get to divorce my dad before she dies. I was only 12 years old when this happens. My dad was diagnosed with cancer himself 7 years ago, still surviving but poor quality of life, I don’t know if this is karma. I still love my dad, I have forgiven him but I still can’t forget what he did to us till today. I don’t want my 3 children to grow up blaming me why I did not do something for myself and them now. My counsellor keeps advising me to be patient and wait, prolong and let him suffer coz things are so complicated at his end, but now the one suffering now is myself and not him. So tired, just wanna end this soon and move on with my children.
 
Eppy, I will do something, I am not a pushover. My mum suffered a failed marriage (alcoholic abuse) 30 years ago and she stayed on for 3 years with my dad. Finally decide to file for separation but after one year, she was mentally and emotionally so tortured until her health gave way and she lost her life to cancer. At her death bed, she told my 8 year old Sister her greatest regret is she never get to divorce my dad before she dies. I was only 12 years old when this happens. My dad was diagnosed with cancer himself 7 years ago, still surviving but poor quality of life, I don’t know if this is karma. I still love my dad, I have forgiven him but I still can’t forget what he did to us till today. I don’t want my 3 children to grow up blaming me why I did not do something for myself and them now. My counsellor keeps advising me to be patient and wait, prolong and let him suffer coz things are so complicated at his end, but now the one suffering now is myself and not him. So tired, just wanna end this soon and move on with my children.

On dear. What kind of counsellor are u seening. How could he/she advice u this way. It's better to move forward then seeking revenge. It's not healthy.

And honestly by clinging on him, do u think u are prolong his misery. He is happily spending his times with that women but u are here suffering and waiting for him to turn his mind and come back to the family.

There are still many wonderful thing in life to go on. Why leave a thorn in your eyes and suffer.
 
Eppy, I will do something, I am not a pushover. My mum suffered a failed marriage (alcoholic abuse) 30 years ago and she stayed on for 3 years with my dad. Finally decide to file for separation but after one year, she was mentally and emotionally so tortured until her health gave way and she lost her life to cancer. At her death bed, she told my 8 year old Sister her greatest regret is she never get to divorce my dad before she dies. I was only 12 years old when this happens. My dad was diagnosed with cancer himself 7 years ago, still surviving but poor quality of life, I don’t know if this is karma. I still love my dad, I have forgiven him but I still can’t forget what he did to us till today. I don’t want my 3 children to grow up blaming me why I did not do something for myself and them now. My counsellor keeps advising me to be patient and wait, prolong and let him suffer coz things are so complicated at his end, but now the one suffering now is myself and not him. So tired, just wanna end this soon and move on with my children.

I understand your feel. My parents separated when I was 7 years old as well. However, my mum (in order not to let him 'go away' peacefully), drag on the 'separation' for years. Though in the end they still divorced, but the legal fees is more than 20k (0k in 80s-90s is very high). Up to today, at times I still saw my dad. But his health condition is in very bad shape already. I do still love him still and already forgave him long ago.

But things now is very different from the time before. Be it situation or what. In the past, probably your mum think that he will change (since is due to alcoholic abuse) hence agreed with the separation. For my mum, merely want to make him 'suffer'. But actually, she also suffered as well. For your case, frankly speaking, I doubt your husband will change by abandoning that woman. Even if he does one day, but the feeling will be different as well. Moreover, I always believe that, 'A Leopard never changes its spots'. Especially when comes to affair. It's like an addiction. Trust me. Even if he comes back to you, another affair will occur...
 
Eppy, I will do something, I am not a pushover. My mum suffered a failed marriage (alcoholic abuse) 30 years ago and she stayed on for 3 years with my dad. Finally decide to file for separation but after one year, she was mentally and emotionally so tortured until her health gave way and she lost her life to cancer. At her death bed, she told my 8 year old Sister her greatest regret is she never get to divorce my dad before she dies. I was only 12 years old when this happens. My dad was diagnosed with cancer himself 7 years ago, still surviving but poor quality of life, I don’t know if this is karma. I still love my dad, I have forgiven him but I still can’t forget what he did to us till today. I don’t want my 3 children to grow up blaming me why I did not do something for myself and them now. My counsellor keeps advising me to be patient and wait, prolong and let him suffer coz things are so complicated at his end, but now the one suffering now is myself and not him. So tired, just wanna end this soon and move on with my children.

What a counselor!!! Remember your children only have you and if you love them, do something for them.
 
Ladies here, can I check how do you all go about filing a divorce? Do you all discuss with your spouse the terms or you tell your lawyer what you want and let your lawyer do the talking?
 
Ladies here, can I check how do you all go about filing a divorce? Do you all discuss with your spouse the terms or you tell your lawyer what you want and let your lawyer do the talking?

I didn’t talk to him cuz I know it’s useless and wasting of time. I went straight to my lawyer, ask about my legal rights, I move out with my children n the lawyer serve him immediately.
If he wants to talk n negotiate, we can still do it during the mediation where the judge and lawyers are present.
 
Hi Eppy, how long from filing divorce to him getting the lawyer letter? How long the whole divorce process takes?
 
Hi Eppy, how long from filing divorce to him getting the lawyer letter? How long the whole divorce process takes?

Very fast about 3-4 weeks but you need to go for mandatory something cuz you are filing. Oh you need a reason though. you going for adultery or unreasonable behavior? if going for adultery need PI, otherwise just file with all your reasons. More than sufficient
 
How about ancillary matters, how you settle with him? You sell away your house? Mine tricky cause now house solely under his name...
 
It's better talk to him on the term so that both of u will not be using lawyer to negotiate for the term as it will be expensive
 
Sadliving, does it means we settle all terms by ourselves and just get the lawyer to do the paper work only? I haven spoken to my lawyer so I totally don’t know the procedure.
 
Yes. If agree on all terms just let lawyer know and the lawyer will put up the divorce letter. Both of u sign and that's all.

Unless he disagree then u put up your term then he engage a lawyer to mediate. During mediation, a mediator will be around to try n make both of u come to agree point.
 
How about ancillary matters, how you settle with him? You sell away your house? Mine tricky cause now house solely under his name...

As long as you stay n live in the house with your kids even if it’s without your name, it’s considered Matrimonial Assets which is up for division unless he inherit it. Even if he inherit it,if there are some improvements done you get to contest it. I persisted all the way and i have the whole house transferred to me. I do not suggest you to agree personally with him first. I suggest you really consult a lawyer n into this details, find out about your hub financials. You say he agreed to the maintainance but how much did he agreed on? 3 kids - Min 4k.
Do your calculations first, if he earns more than 12 k a month, You should really really think hard. For your info even, CPF can be divided.
 
There is no standard amount for maintenance. It depend on your current lifestyle. U must have the need and your husband have the ability than u can claim.

For Cpf unless it's in the flat if not u can't touch. He himself can't even withdraw his CPF after he reach 55years old, do u think government will let u have his cpf. If so then it will open a floodgates for everyone to do it.
 
Hi Eppy, even if I persisted alll the way and get the house, I may not afford it as it still under loan. Moreover it’s a condo, I have a HDB solely under my name so in order to get the condo, I will need to sell my HDB. But the condo honestly speaking I can’t afford to service. Maintenance is based on current expenses and as kids grow like go Poly, University how to claim more maintenance from him?? And I heard a joint custody is better than a sole custody like kids need $$$ for education, he needs to pay half too, is it true??
 
There is no standard amount for maintenance. It depend on your current lifestyle. U must have the need and your husband have the ability than u can claim.

For Cpf unless it's in the flat if not u can't touch. He himself can't even withdraw his CPF after he reach 55years old, do u think government will let u have his cpf. If so then it will open a floodgates for everyone to do it.


I think you got it wrong. They consider the amount in the CPF used in house or unused in CPF. You don’t literally take the money out of CPF, It’s a whole pool of assets - yours n his and divide it. Cars, shares, savings all are translated to dollars and cents and up for division.
 
Hi Eppy, even if I persisted alll the way and get the house, I may not afford it as it still under loan. Moreover it’s a condo, I have a HDB solely under my name so in order to get the condo, I will need to sell my HDB. But the condo honestly speaking I can’t afford to service. Maintenance is based on current expenses and as kids grow like go Poly, University how to claim more maintenance from him?? And I heard a joint custody is better than a sole custody like kids need $$$ for education, he needs to pay half too, is it true??[/QUOTE

No then you get the percentage of the condo, lets say judge award you 35% of the matrimonial home. Your condo is 1.3 mil. loan left 300k so both sell it in open market to get your 350K, why let him have it just because it’s under his name. But i have to caution you too since you have HDB flat so that is also up for division but if you inherit it, you are safe.
So you must really consult lawyer, if both parties asset are about equal, then settle 50%. if his is more than yours, the bigger the pool the better it benefits you.

Mostly it’s joint custody, joint or sole he still needs to pay.
As for maintenance, yes it’s based on current but if he have the ability to have another kid n place with viet woman. I don’t see why you cannot ask for 4k for 3 kids which is so obvious he can afford it. If he earns more than you better, he pays more in percentage.
You can seek variation in child maintenance as they grow older.
 
No then you get the percentage of the condo, lets say judge award you 35% of the matrimonial home. Your condo is 1.3 mil. loan left 300k so both sell it in open market to get your 350K, why let him have it just because it’s under his name. But i have to caution you too since you have HDB flat so that is also up for division but if you inherit it, you are safe.
So you must really consult lawyer, if both parties asset are about equal, then settle 50%. if his is more than yours, the bigger the pool the better it benefits you.

Mostly it’s joint custody, joint or sole he still needs to pay.
As for maintenance, yes it’s based on current but if he have the ability to have another kid n place with viet woman. I don’t see why you cannot ask for 4k for 3 kids which is so obvious he can afford it. If he earns more than you better, he pays more in percentage.

You can seek variation in child maintenance as they grow older
 
Eppy. The HDB is not inherited. We bought it together previously and then decouple and now under my name. Looks like the most clear cut way is to sell both properties and i take whatever proceeds then I buy a place to stay with my kids.

Maintenance that time I did a calculation, I asked for 3.5k, he agrees. That was went we were discussing separation. Now with a divorce, I don’t know if I can ask for more since I need to service a house loan. Actually I know every month he gives the woman 1.5 to 2k. He is earning double than me, I am self employed so fluctuating income, I ask my housing agent, he says self employed will be subject to 30% cut when taking a bank loan. He really messed up my life!
 
Eppy. The HDB is not inherited. We bought it together previously and then decouple and now under my name. Looks like the most clear cut way is to sell both properties and i take whatever proceeds then I buy a place to stay with my kids.

Maintenance that time I did a calculation, I asked for 3.5k, he agrees. That was went we were discussing separation. Now with a divorce, I don’t know if I can ask for more since I need to service a house loan. Actually I know every month he gives the woman 1.5 to 2k. He is earning double than me, I am self employed so fluctuating income, I ask my housing agent, he says self employed will be subject to 30% cut when taking a bank loan. He really messed up my life!

Don’t need to ask him anything more now.

Just keep receipts n bills of the children expenses and etc.

Find a lawyer, settle the divorce grounds. Leave the ancillary later but find ways to prove the financials of what he has.
 
Who have the care.n control the other party need to pay mainntenece. So if u have the care n control then the other party will have to pay u. Just take note, as u are working the.maintence have to be share in certain percentage. So if u put up 3.k. he might not pay full. U have to chip in also.

Normally the judge will wan u to divide assest but wont ask u to sell each other house.
 
Go legal advice. But my advice is don't 'fight with him. Have a good talk with him after u have the evidence. So that there is no dispute on the care n control n maintenece
 
I will speak to my lawyer to get more information before making a decision and speaking to him. Is it true that separation/divorce and maintenance/custody (ancillary matters) are separate thing. Example, I find his behaviour unreasonable but not ready to divorce so I ask for a separation, whether he agrees or not to the separation, he still needs to pay maintenance for his children right? There are a few things I want to do before a getting a divorce. 1. Get him to move out, 2. tell our family ( don’t want to lie for him anymore), 3. ask for maintenance and 4. get to stay in our condo (don’t want too many changes for the kids). Need to get all my homework done before speaking to him if not he will either try to continue to con me to keep quiet or divorce both to his advantage. I must do things to benefit myself and not him, right?
 
Am not very sure. But I think separation you can't ask for maintenance.
In law, even separation, you both are consider husband and wife still.
As for getting him to move out, also nope. If he didn't want to move out, you also can't chase him out.
 
Am not very sure. But I think separation you can't ask for maintenance.
In law, even separation, you both are consider husband and wife still.
As for getting him to move out, also nope. If he didn't want to move out, you also can't chase him out.

Even when married, can still file for kids’ maintenance. Not sure about spouse’s maintenance.
 
I will speak to my lawyer to get more information before making a decision and speaking to him. Is it true that separation/divorce and maintenance/custody (ancillary matters) are separate thing. Example, I find his behaviour unreasonable but not ready to divorce so I ask for a separation, whether he agrees or not to the separation, he still needs to pay maintenance for his children right? There are a few things I want to do before a getting a divorce. 1. Get him to move out, 2. tell our family ( don’t want to lie for him anymore), 3. ask for maintenance and 4. get to stay in our condo (don’t want too many changes for the kids). Need to get all my homework done before speaking to him if not he will either try to continue to con me to keep quiet or divorce both to his advantage. I must do things to benefit myself and not him, right?

You must do things to benefit your kids.
As for separation, you can ask for maintenance since you said he agreed to legal separation.
 


He agrees but cannot tell family members. If I want to tell then must as well divorce so both plans is what he wants and not what I want. I need to check with my lawyer if he needs to give child maintenance irreguardless whether we separate/divorce or not then I don’t care if he agrees as Long as I can get a court order to ask for maintenance, he can’t back out. Since he says he shift out next month and let me stay with my kids at the condo and if he don’t want to tell the children and his parents, i tell myself, don’t care if he agrees or not.
 

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