Separation and some advises needed

VenusMummy

New Member
Hi all,

My hub and I have decided to separate. My son has just turned 1 year old and we still have a BTO flat that will be completed in 2019, but I guess we have to forfeit that. We fight and quarrel almost on a daily basis. Have seen 2 different marriage counsellors but it didn't helped much. The marriage has came to a point where there's no love left and our marriage is just a piece of binding paper.

I am very jaded with all these fights and living with the in-laws only makes things worse. I have already shifted out to my parents' place. Unfortunately, due to some reasons, I can't bring my son over to stay with me at my parents', I have no choice but to leave the care & control to my hubs and in-laws. Renting a unit is too costly, moreover I am losing my job soon.

And since we are only married for 1 year plus, the only way is to separate for 3 years from before we can file for a divorce.

Any recommendations for a lawyer whom we can consult in getting the Deed Of Separation done and who charges are reasonable (not earning much at the moment)?

Thanks in advance.
 


Sorry to learnt about that. Understand that thru two counselors. However, any possible to sit down together to have a good talk as to where in both your heart causes all these..? Don't make rash decision.
 
I think its very hard to reconcile. Whenever we decide to reconcile, things start to happen again. Like a few days back, he kept stalking me on WhatsApp, whenever he sees me online he will ask me who am I chatting with and even to ask me screenshot my WhatsApp conversation to him. I can't take it, its mentally torturing. His insecurities adds up to our problems. How can a marriage sustain without basic trust?
 
Hubby asking you about your online chats? That's your problem right there!
How about refraining from such chatting for some time? How did you go through life before
chatting became an integral part of your day to day routine? I mean the pre-Internet days...
So why not stop all such activity and spend more time chatting with hubby?
 
Hi, I can't carry a proper conversation with him anymore. It would bound to lead to an arguement as he is the arguementative sort.

He stalks my whatsapp status when I'm at work or outside. We are living separately now by the way. Can you imagine someone on 'standby' mode keep checking on whether you are online on whatsapp? It's creepy.

When I'm with the baby I'm seldom on whatsapp. Even days when I'm staying with the baby and in laws I'm too occupied with the baby to be on my phone.

Days when we were still living together, Everytime whene I'm using the phone he would check on me whether am I talking to guys. Everyday without fail he would come check on me.

Of course this is not the only problem we have, in fact we have other major issues than this.
 
if really he is controlling your life this way then seriously, if u still with him, it will be like hell. he is overly possessive. very importantly is your child, if thing turn worse, he might make it difficult for u to see the child. are u prepare for this?

but if u don't wan confrontation anymore. Get another phone line to chat with your friend or use another chatting app apps; wechat or line, so he can't monitor when u are chatting.
 
@VenusMummy:

U can always hide your status on whatsapp. Of cos, it works both ways n you wont c others' status too, but d impt thing is u do not want 2 make matters worst den it it now with your hubby.

Your hubby may b feeling insecure n hence d paranoia... Not dat i approve of d way he is handling d matter, sometimes there may b more den meets d eye.
 
Hi, i don't mean to scare you but i heard fr frens who filed for seperation/divorce that whoever 'walks' out 1st (i.e. move out) will be at the disadvantage when it comes to custody of children. If money is an issue/concern, seek for free legal service 1st.
 
Hi, i don't mean to scare you but i heard fr frens who filed for seperation/divorce that whoever 'walks' out 1st (i.e. move out) will be at the disadvantage when it comes to custody of children. If money is an issue/concern, seek for free legal service 1st.
Yep. I am trying to schedule an appt to seek legal advise from legal clinics
 
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things jus can't get better. Who wants a divorce especially after having children? It is not going to benefit the child in the long run. For me, I think I will definitely consider divorce when my child grows older maybe in her adolescence when she is able to see things from my point of view. As she is too young to understand things now, I jus want her to enjoy her childhood and be at her side as long as I can. But I am not happy staying together with the father. I am staying put cos of my girl. I no longer have any love for this man and I m hoping he broaches up the subject of divorce first. If he has a woman outside, I really wish him well. Sex life isn't gd for us and sometimes I think of going for paid sex instead ha ha ha. Such a pathetic me.

Are you living with in laws or you have a flat? I guess for me, living with in laws make things worse, I feel much better now away from them. Hmm, a bit pointless to stay in a marriage without affection right? Why not you initiate the topic on divorce first? Maybe he is waiting for you to broach on the topic first as well.
 
Hi all,

Just an update.

Went over to my in laws' yesterday to visit my son. The hub was there as well.

Everything was normal till I started to talk to him about separation deed and flat cancellation. I was firm to go get things done ASAP. Initially he was still okay to going ahead to separate and forfeit the flat. Then we talked abit and I went to pack my stuffs, while he took a nap.

So after he woke up, my son woke up briefly as well.

Decided to bring our son for a walk downstairs together, that's when he told me he don't wish to divorce, claiming that he wish to give our son a complete family. (I guess he was taken aback why was I so firm about separating)

We both agreed that there's no more love in the marriage but he feel that it can be rekindle again.

On my end, I am mentally tired and I can't imagine living with someone without feelings. The only salvaging factor is my little boy.

sighs.
 
Since you need to separate 3 years before you can divorce, maybe you can just separate a while first, don't need to press for decision on divorce, and let nature takes its course.
 
Since you need to separate 3 years before you can divorce, maybe you can just separate a while first, don't need to press for decision on divorce, and let nature takes its course.

Hmm, then what about the BTO flat? to cancel or not?....dilemma
 
if really he is controlling your life this way then seriously, if u still with him, it will be like hell. he is overly possessive. very importantly is your child, if thing turn worse, he might make it difficult for u to see the child. are u prepare for this?

but if u don't wan confrontation anymore. Get another phone line to chat with your friend or use another chatting app apps; wechat or line, so he can't monitor when u are chatting.

Seriously, wad is wrong for someone to stalk your whatapp ? Do you really know why he do that ?
I thinks he still cares for you. He love you but just that everytime you two meet up, both will quarrel. Have you also reflect on your attitude toward him?
Sound like he is a responsible guy but too prideful. And he also might not know what to do as well. Yes, he stalk you. So?
It is because he cant communicate with you. He cant reach you. You do not interact with him or at least try.
All you think about is how much you suffer. Do you think he is happier ? Honestly???

If a guy don't even cares about you, trust me.. he can do thing much worse and F up toward you. He doesnt even bother about you and your well being. Not to mention checking you up. He do not have to give in to you.

Love is not just a passion thing. Its really takes alot of efforts. Without commitments, love cannot last. it will be a vicious cycle to all your rs if you didnt even try hard enough.

I am sorry if I sound so blunt.
 
Seriously, wad is wrong for someone to stalk your whatapp ? Do you really know why he do that ?
I thinks he still cares for you. He love you but just that everytime you two meet up, both will quarrel. Have you also reflect on your attitude toward him?
Sound like he is a responsible guy but too prideful. And he also might not know what to do as well. Yes, he stalk you. So?
It is because he cant communicate with you. He cant reach you. You do not interact with him or at least try.
All you think about is how much you suffer. Do you think he is happier ? Honestly???

If a guy don't even cares about you, trust me.. he can do thing much worse and F up toward you. He doesnt even bother about you and your well being. Not to mention checking you up. He do not have to give in to you.

Love is not just a passion thing. Its really takes alot of efforts. Without commitments, love cannot last. it will be a vicious cycle to all your rs if you didnt even try hard enough.

I am sorry if I sound so blunt.

The stalking of whatsapp is only part of our problems. The major issue is our character clash. Neither of us is willing to give in.

The stalking part is invading my privacy in a way. I can't chat with my friends 'in peace', he will come interrogate me. No space to breath. Its creepy to have someone lurking there waiting to 'catch' you online. He can show concern in other ways, not creepy stalkings like this. It just shows me how insecure he is and the trust level he has for me. All these pushes me away further from him.
 
The stalking of whatsapp is only part of our problems. The major issue is our character clash. Neither of us is willing to give in.

The stalking part is invading my privacy in a way. I can't chat with my friends 'in peace', he will come interrogate me. No space to breath. Its creepy to have someone lurking there waiting to 'catch' you online. He can show concern in other ways, not creepy stalkings like this. It just shows me how insecure he is and the trust level he has for me. All these pushes me away further from him.


Precisely, he is insecure.
You see, you have the issue here. What can you do to resolve this? Have you wonder why he is insecure, what makes him insecure? Instead of negative feelings that he is over possessive, pushing you away.. On the positive side, he still cares and feeling insecure.
Do you even feel interrogated that your partner ask you who and where you been ?
But why do you feel that way, in the 1st place if you take the initiatives to communicate, inform him. Do you think he will ask and stalk you ? Perhaps you feel is not necessary, so he asked you because he is curious. Is he creepy?
If your hubby always go out late, just inform you that he has a business dinner. U ask him why is he always so late and with who. So are you creepy ? lol

Try to look from diff perspectives. All i see from your message is "he" perhaps if you talk to him. I think you use "you" most time. Maybe talk to him, use "we" instead. We can work something out and we can try to communicate.. its sound better.
 
Just my 5cents worth, think yr hubby hv OCD .. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ... Obsessive cos afraid u hv affair n high insecurity ... either u live with it or get him to attend a psychologist.
 

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