hey all,
actually i came here everyday, but i had no strengh to type anything, very tired, and depressed..
But i have decided to step out of my depression and be a strong mummy.. SO, pls bear with me, i got to rant a bit to make myself feel better...
i am a "single" parent nowww...and it will last till next april/May! My husband has gone back to Shanghai to his job, both of us had been SAHP for many many months already, cant afford to do so further.. He tried to find a job here, but very hard. I tried to persuade him to be a SAHF since I conribute 65% of our household income, but he is rather reluctant..well, I didnt push further, ultimately a man must have his own career, and i still hope to have a 2nd baby later. And though I hope to be a SAHM, it is not realistic...
I hope to go back Shanghai very much too, but doctor's advice for Xavier is to stay until he is bigger and stronger since Shanghai coming winter may be too much for him to handle.
So we are apart......I got to work now (i have a very understanding company that let me temporary transfer back to our HQ in SG), and rush home every evening to pacify cranky Xavier....Feed him at 1130pm, then 5am plus feed, then pump, then go to work...It is very very draining....
My in laws are here to help me from Shanghai, but they are not in their best of health. Every evening i got home, i found them very exhausted, and they often complained about heart not feeling well, tired , gastric problem, etc. Well, they are very nice in-laws, they are trying their very best, i feel very guilty about making them so tired...and i am really worried about their health, since afterall they are quite old liao and not easy to adapt to a new environment. But on the other hand, I dont want a babysitter as Xavier is still very prone to infections, and I cant take care of him myself since i got to work...As a result, all i do everyday except working, is taking care of Xavier. I got no other things on schedule, I dont dare to take time off. I shouldnt complain since this is mother's responsibility, but doing it alone is jus too exhausting. I often hear about how difficult it is being a single parent, now i understand. It is not about physical strengh, but on mental....
And to add on to the worst, my in law's application for long term visit pass has been rejected since my husband didnt contribute CPF here. I was so stressed over this...anyway, it was in a way sorted out, at least I manage to get one more month extension before the getting the results of appeal. I am praying that SG govt can be more humane on this, since we are only here bcause of Xavier...If not successful, I cant think of what i can do next...maybe i got to quit and take care of him all by myself? cant imagine....
About my milk, well, gone are the days of super milk cow production. It dropped to half after Xavier got readmitted to NUH. Well, stress did the work i guess, since I got to stay in for a few days, and wasnt able to focus on emptying the breasts....
Then after Xavier weaned off the O2 support, I thought maybe we could try latch on......Big mistake ..sigh.. Because i started working in Sept, so only latch on 2-3 times during the night...I didnt know how much he drank, but normally he drank until he fell asleep and i fell asleep
...so turned out that he actually didnt drink much, and i didnt pump out...I only realised it after the milk i pumped out got less and less during my office pumping session...REalised it too late
Now i only left 200-300ml a day. Sianz...i was hoping to to full BF until he is at least CA 1 year. Looking at his rate of wiping my old stocks, i think cant even tahan until end of this year...Feel really bad about it since Xavier's lungs are not good, I was hoping to give him a bit more protection
Next week is time for Xavier's vaccinations again. I am very nervous, based on what happened before.. Really pray hard this time, cant afford any more setbacks....
I was in a deep depression last week, just couldnt seem to lift my mood in any way. I felt like the sky is always grey...I even thought of calling the "samaritans hotline" to seek help....I get very emotional sometimes, and cry everyday. THen i thought about Issac, then i cried....
hmmm...i even noticed that from oct onwards can use medisave to treat depression related illness.
Scary, what depression can do to me. well, right now i feel a bit better...I keep telling myself to look at the bright side, and soon will come the day when my whole family has reunion..
Praying for a better day tomorrow....
sorry for being so long winded, got to get things out of my chest....