Pregnant & Depressed

DepressedMummy

New Member
I’m 26 weeks pregnant and just had another one of the many heated quarrels with my Husband.

1) MIL & dog
We have been fostering my MIL’s dog at our place as she doesn’t have a permanent accommodation. However, my MIL is not a very hygienic person and doesn’t follow my instructions to clean and bath the dog properly, resulting in me having to clean the dog’s room constantly. My Husband doesn’t help out with bathing, grooming or cleaning the dog & space.
I am getting increasingly frustrated as it’s getting harder for me to squat down and clean the dried up soil & dog hair in the room.

2) Financial situation
Husband’s job is flexible as he is a pte driver. He is earning just the bare minimum to meet his own needs and half of the household bills. Thankfully I’m working so I can still pay for the gynae bills, insurance and baby’s items. However, I feel very resentful towards him whenever we need to get a baby item and he is unable to pay. I feel that he should work harder to make sure he has enough spare money for any emergencies and the impending delivery fees. He does not seem to feel the urgency despite me reminding him many times. We’ve quarreled many times because of this and I’m constantly worried due to this.

3) Lack of initiative and concern
My Husband plays his phone games for a few hours upon reaching home and only helps out with the household chores after repeated reminders from me. His care & concern has gotten a lot lesser since the early weeks of pregnancy. I feel alone and like im the only one taking care of myself.

I’ve been stressed out recently due to my work, family matters and finances this pregnancy. To the point that I’m crying several times a week and I distant myself from my Husband at times. What I don’t get is that my Husband can still provoke me when he sees that I’m in discomfort (from belly pains) or when he sees that I’m in a bad mood. The last straw was today when we quarreled again as he felt frustrated with me being in a angsty mood and he said “dont keep the baby already then, abort”. These words are still deep in my mind and hurt alot. How could he say such words to our unborn child who has started to pick up sounds?

I feel very alone, helpless and useless. I don’t wish to always burden my own family whenever I have a quarrel with my Husband, and yet there is no one else I can turn to. I feel guilty for letting my emotions control me and I’m worried that my constant worrying and crying will affect my baby’s development. I’ll never forgive myself if this happens.
 


your constant depressed mood will get u an angry bb. hence, please snap out of this mood.

where there is hope, there will be a disappointment.

at this point in time, you should learn to let (him) 'go'. you felt lonely is becoz you hv (literally) allocated 2 seats and u expect him to fill in one. if you 'put' your kid in this seat and u 'sit' in the other, the seats are filled up and then you won't be lonely. understand?

that means, your happy 'family' picture should 'remove' him. no point holding him hostage w a bb. he wants to contribute (later) then you take that as a blessing. if not, find your own niche w your child. w this mental, you will have more realistic plans and can move your life meaningfully/positively.

say it in a simpler way: you sail in a sampan w a smaller group (your kid), you will reach the other shoreline faster than u try to convince a cruise ship to start the engine.
 
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I agree with Mongkok. Your depressed mood will get you an angry baby and also add on the post natal blues . It is not easy but pls try to focus on your baby and yourself . When your baby is out he/she needs you more than anything else and he/she will need a happy mommy. Don’t regret anything .

I say this coz I was always angry with my Husband during pregnancy and end up my girl is a very very angst baby. And coz I never snap out of the mood earlier the first year was tough especially babies are harder to take care in the first year.

You are a mother now , key focus Your child and yourself ! Nobody else matters . Once you are mentally strong no one can get to you and affect your baby. You can’t control what he will say dear .

Stay happy. Watch some funny drama, movies , eat some treats, read some funny novel or do some shopping. Not easy but start focusing on the right things now
 
your constant depressed mood will get u an angry bb. hence, please snap out of this mood.

where there is hope, there will be a disappointment.

at this point in time, you should learn to let (him) 'go'. you felt lonely is becoz you hv (literally) allocated 2 seats and u expect him to fill in one. if you 'put' your kid in this seat and u 'sit' in the other, the seats are filled up and then you won't be lonely. understand?

that means, your happy 'family' picture should 'remove' him. no point holding him hostage w a bb. he wants to contribute (later) then you take that as a blessing. if not, find your own niche w your child. w this mental, you will have more realistic plans and can move your life meaningfully/positively.

say it in a simpler way: you sail in a sampan w a smaller group (your kid), you will reach the other shoreline faster than u try to convince a cruise ship to start the engine.

Thank you for your advise. Does this mean that I should stop having expectations of what my husband should do for me and the baby, and just rely on my own means to take care of the baby?

I’ve thought about this and told myself a few times to just be independent and do everything by myself. But the resentment still kicks in when I do the household chores myself, clean up after the dog that is supposedly MIL’s and his family’s, spend $$ on the groceries & buying baby’s items, while there he is playing his mobile games and talking loudly back to me when I try to tell him about the financial commitments we are facing and insecurities.

But you’re right. Getting myself in such a mood constantly will just harm my baby. I’ll just have to count on myself and my own family for support during this period. If he doesn’t buck up, we will just head for the separation path eventually as I cannot live with such a partner for life.
 
I agree with Mongkok. Your depressed mood will get you an angry baby and also add on the post natal blues . It is not easy but pls try to focus on your baby and yourself . When your baby is out he/she needs you more than anything else and he/she will need a happy mommy. Don’t regret anything .

I say this coz I was always angry with my Husband during pregnancy and end up my girl is a very very angst baby. And coz I never snap out of the mood earlier the first year was tough especially babies are harder to take care in the first year.

You are a mother now , key focus Your child and yourself ! Nobody else matters . Once you are mentally strong no one can get to you and affect your baby. You can’t control what he will say dear .

Stay happy. Watch some funny drama, movies , eat some treats, read some funny novel or do some shopping. Not easy but start focusing on the right things now


Thank you dear. Yes I’m really afraid of the side-effects and repercussions on my baby, if I stay in such a constant anxious & stressful mood and environment.

I don’t feel like talking much to him now after he said those words and acted like that even after seeing me in pain. I’m thinking if I should move back to my parents’ place to rest and restore till I give birth.
 
I still felt you should talk to your hubby about it...
Moving back to your parent's house to recuperate is not a long term solution.
When you are back, you will still have such issue, and it will never be solve...

1) MIL & Dog case:
For this, you just have to close one eyes to it. Unless send the dog away (which I doubt will be for now). Otherwise, try talk to your hubby or even MIL that you are expecting, and is very sensitive to unhygienic. If a understand MIL, she will know of what to do. Do your hubby have other siblings? If yes, maybe can temporary transfer the dog to their place? Especially you are expecting now...

2) Financial wise:
Well, at least he still contribute to the family. Doesn't he? It may not be much, but every cents counts. If he's a responsible father/husband, he will work harder and earn more. But from the way he act/behave, seems doesn't feel so... For this, you probably have to learn to be independently financial yourself....

3) Lack of initiative & concern case:
Again, at least he did it in the end, after constant/several reminders. Not sure for your side before you are pregnant, for housechores, do you both agreed that both have to do it together? If yes, was he this way before pregnancy?

Overall like what Mongkok's mentioned, you need to take care, stay happy yourself. Probably you will need to really consider if down the road, is he the suitable one for you, to walk with you down this road. Give him, and yourself sometime to really consider about this marriage...
 
I still felt you should talk to your hubby about it...
Moving back to your parent's house to recuperate is not a long term solution.
When you are back, you will still have such issue, and it will never be solve...

1) MIL & Dog case:
For this, you just have to close one eyes to it. Unless send the dog away (which I doubt will be for now). Otherwise, try talk to your hubby or even MIL that you are expecting, and is very sensitive to unhygienic. If a understand MIL, she will know of what to do. Do your hubby have other siblings? If yes, maybe can temporary transfer the dog to their place? Especially you are expecting now...

2) Financial wise:
Well, at least he still contribute to the family. Doesn't he? It may not be much, but every cents counts. If he's a responsible father/husband, he will work harder and earn more. But from the way he act/behave, seems doesn't feel so... For this, you probably have to learn to be independently financial yourself....

3) Lack of initiative & concern case:
Again, at least he did it in the end, after constant/several reminders. Not sure for your side before you are pregnant, for housechores, do you both agreed that both have to do it together? If yes, was he this way before pregnancy?

Overall like what Mongkok's mentioned, you need to take care, stay happy yourself. Probably you will need to really consider if down the road, is he the suitable one for you, to walk with you down this road. Give him, and yourself sometime to really consider about this marriage...

Thank you for taking the time to reply my lengthy post. ❤️

I’ve exhausted all means regarding the dog. Talked to both my hubby and MIL a few times since expecting about the cleanliness, even sent them constant message reminders to clean up properly. But MIL always go back to her usual patterns. Hub doesn’t lift a finger to help out in cleaning or bathing the dog and will even give me a “face” whenever I bring it up to him. On many episodes, he will threatened to send the dog to SPCA which I feel is very childish.

Yes I agree, he is still contributing, though minimal. I’ve always been financially independent and don’t rely on him for any expenses but I expect my man to contribute at least 50% of the household.

We had a mutual agreement from the start to share the housework and he always say he will do it IF I tell him. And I did, but the SLA is like 3-5 days and after repeated reminders from me. I thought he would improve after my pregnancy but still the same or even worse. To me, if i can do the housework after a day’s work, so can him.

I am considering and this pregnancy has shed a different light onto our marriage. I fear that more issues may arise in future when our baby arrives and I do not wish for my child to go through any side effects due to our marriage problems.
 
Thank you for taking the time to reply my lengthy post. ❤️

I’ve exhausted all means regarding the dog. Talked to both my hubby and MIL a few times since expecting about the cleanliness, even sent them constant message reminders to clean up properly. But MIL always go back to her usual patterns. Hub doesn’t lift a finger to help out in cleaning or bathing the dog and will even give me a “face” whenever I bring it up to him. On many episodes, he will threatened to send the dog to SPCA which I feel is very childish.

Yes I agree, he is still contributing, though minimal. I’ve always been financially independent and don’t rely on him for any expenses but I expect my man to contribute at least 50% of the household.

We had a mutual agreement from the start to share the housework and he always say he will do it IF I tell him. And I did, but the SLA is like 3-5 days and after repeated reminders from me. I thought he would improve after my pregnancy but still the same or even worse. To me, if i can do the housework after a day’s work, so can him.

I am considering and this pregnancy has shed a different light onto our marriage. I fear that more issues may arise in future when our baby arrives and I do not wish for my child to go through any side effects due to our marriage problems.

Omg.. He doesn't even contribute 50% to the household? Faint...
How long you both been married? All the while in house chores, you need to constantly remind him?

Well, that will depend for this 'if i can do the housework after a day’s work, so can him.' I think for this depend on what house chores is that. If just simple vacuum, think everyone can do it. But if expect hyper cleanliness, then maybe different people different view.

Yes. You need to really think and plan for the future. Can you continue this on with all these (and perhaps more) issue coming later stage?
 
If possible, move back 2 your parents' place 4 d time being.

While you are not there,

1) Dog issue, they will have 1st hand experience how much work there is 2 have a pet. It's not just an animal dat one will bring home n expect d dog 2 b able 2 do all d work.

2) Explain 2 your DH dat during d time while u r taking a leave of absence at your parents' place, u will not b paying any utilities 4 d home u share wif DH. Giving him d opportunity 2 b responsible. Also let him know dat he will need 2 pay 4 your pre-natal checkups...

3) Lack of initiative or concern wont b an issue since u r not there n not able 2 b agitated by wat u dont c... giving both a you a chance 2 c if both of u r able 2 reconcile your relationship or accept one another's character as it it.

Of cos u will need 2 b prepared dat if nothing changes, den d matrimonial home will b dirty n messy after your "leave of absence".

Den d ultimate qn will b whether u can accept him as he is?
 
Thank you for your advise. Does this mean that I should stop having expectations of what my husband should do for me and the baby, and just rely on my own means to take care of the baby?

I’ve thought about this and told myself a few times to just be independent and do everything by myself. But the resentment still kicks in when I do the household chores myself, clean up after the dog that is supposedly MIL’s and his family’s, spend $$ on the groceries & buying baby’s items, while there he is playing his mobile games and talking loudly back to me when I try to tell him about the financial commitments we are facing and insecurities.

But you’re right. Getting myself in such a mood constantly will just harm my baby. I’ll just have to count on myself and my own family for support during this period. If he doesn’t buck up, we will just head for the separation path eventually as I cannot live with such a partner for life.

If you can, go back to your family house. Stay till u giv birth. This is to detach yourself physically from the stress and abuse.

If you can't, stay on but draw a CLEAR line. Duties that 100% belong to u are: bb stuffs and groceries that is only for your needs/consumption.

Food, eat taopao. Unless u r a good cook, if not by spending abit more on quality food will cost less than u cook for yourself minus cleaning.

House cleanliness, only clean the immediate area u are in mostly. If u find that too taxing, wear a mask and limit the cleaning.

As for other stuffs in the house (dog, etc), ignore. Coz owner should b responsible. If owner ignore, warn owner that u will consider reporting to Ava.

Also, warn hub abt your consideration to demand alimony at least for the kid. So he can b on his toes.

They jump, u keep quiet and leave the space.

Most importantly, tel your family and supportive friends about your situation. They will tide you thru.

Rule of thumb: bb Is priority. Every mummy is a great one.

Lastly: u can b depressed. But now isn't the right time.
 
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I’m 26 weeks pregnant and just had another one of the many heated quarrels with my Husband.

1) MIL & dog
We have been fostering my MIL’s dog at our place as she doesn’t have a permanent accommodation. However, my MIL is not a very hygienic person and doesn’t follow my instructions to clean and bath the dog properly, resulting in me having to clean the dog’s room constantly. My Husband doesn’t help out with bathing, grooming or cleaning the dog & space.
I am getting increasingly frustrated as it’s getting harder for me to squat down and clean the dried up soil & dog hair in the room.

2) Financial situation
Husband’s job is flexible as he is a pte driver. He is earning just the bare minimum to meet his own needs and half of the household bills. Thankfully I’m working so I can still pay for the gynae bills, insurance and baby’s items. However, I feel very resentful towards him whenever we need to get a baby item and he is unable to pay. I feel that he should work harder to make sure he has enough spare money for any emergencies and the impending delivery fees. He does not seem to feel the urgency despite me reminding him many times. We’ve quarreled many times because of this and I’m constantly worried due to this.

3) Lack of initiative and concern
My Husband plays his phone games for a few hours upon reaching home and only helps out with the household chores after repeated reminders from me. His care & concern has gotten a lot lesser since the early weeks of pregnancy. I feel alone and like im the only one taking care of myself.

I’ve been stressed out recently due to my work, family matters and finances this pregnancy. To the point that I’m crying several times a week and I distant myself from my Husband at times. What I don’t get is that my Husband can still provoke me when he sees that I’m in discomfort (from belly pains) or when he sees that I’m in a bad mood. The last straw was today when we quarreled again as he felt frustrated with me being in a angsty mood and he said “dont keep the baby already then, abort”. These words are still deep in my mind and hurt alot. How could he say such words to our unborn child who has started to pick up sounds?

I feel very alone, helpless and useless. I don’t wish to always burden my own family whenever I have a quarrel with my Husband, and yet there is no one else I can turn to. I feel guilty for letting my emotions control me and I’m worried that my constant worrying and crying will affect my baby’s development. I’ll never forgive myself if this happens.

While falling in love and deciding to spend your lives together as a couple, each of you has the obligation to be open, honest and transparent to each other. Your family goals (e.g. to start a family, have kids etc) should be a shared goal, that means it should also be his goal. Financial goals should be your shared goals too. If a spouse continues to put this family into jeopardy and behaving irresponsibly, I think in your heart you have the final answer. Just do not give up without even trying. Consider marriage counseling, a sit-down, honest talk with your husband. When your baby arrives, there’ll be even more day-to-day responsibilities, is he ready? Sleep deprivation can be jarring. My husband and I did not have childcare help and we were both very hands on. Yet, we were shaken by the postpartum stress and ended up quarreling. My concerns are ... Feeding, burping, rocking, changing diapers etc. are you going to take it on alone? Struggling to bond with baby while at times feeling incapable as an amateur parent, can easily bring us mothers into PPD. You would definitely need an extra pair of hands. It’s good to plan ahead while you still have time.
 
Thank you for your responses above. I read all of them even tho I may not be able to reply each of you.

It’s been getting hard to communicate with my Husband. Each time I try to talk about my feelings, he will see it as me pinpointing his faults. I feel deeply resentful towards him now and tear easily at his hurting comments.

I know I must be strong and not let my emotions control me but it’s so hard when I see him everyday and face such treatment and hear hurtful comments from him. I fear for my unborn child’s wellbeing. Have scheduled a psychiatrist appointment next week which he has no interest in going (“Settle yourself coz it’s your own emotional problems” were his exact words). I don’t think just seeking medical treatment on my own end will be of much help, as most of how I’m feeling stems from his behaviour & reactions towards me.

Due to tight financial constraints, I can’t be spending that kind of money on see psychiatrist and a marriage Counsellor. My Husband isn’t able to help pay half the load and won’t be willing to spend this money either as he sees it as my own problems.
 
Not sure how it was put 2 him about d psychiatrist appt... but his not willing 2 participate, even thu it may b 4 your well-being as much as his...

I hope u will b able 2 overcome this n move forward, b it wif or without him. Do wat is best 4 you n baby... Think about your own well- being, as well as dat of your unborn child. No one can tell u wat 2 do unless u wanna do it.

I was once in an abuse relationship, n it took me a while 2 walk out, cos I have 2 overcome me, myself n I. Not ez... but wif determination, one can.
 
Hi DepressedMummy,
Honestly, no ladies deserve to suffer like you do...my heart goes out to you, I was thinking about your posts the whole day and finally have time to write…Here I attach an article which I finally found, “The Man-Child And His Long Suffering Wife”. I read this a few years ago and couldn’t help but to link your situation to this study. Quote : “The man-child and long suffering wife dynamic is prevalent among women married to video-game addicts, guys with untreated ADHD, and guys who are continually unfaithful. The woman is in an enabler role, complaining about the man’s behavior but never truly allowing herself to give him an ultimatum. Instead, she shoulders more and more of the work of the home, making passive-aggressive comments and using other women, or, in unhealthy cases, the kids, as her support system.” Please ignore the last sentence, I don’t think you are her. However, does the former description of man-child sounds familiar to you?
Link to article. http://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/05/28/man-child-long-suffering-wife-couples-meet-counseling-5/
Dr Rodman is a therapist and does couple counseling. It’s impossible to meet her, too far away. But if the article describes your husband, you could read on to understand how high are your stakes. I couldn’t figure your intention of scheduling a psychiatrist. Do you suspect that your husband’s behavior is a result of psychological problem? You mentioned about financial constraints to see counseling. Marriage counseling is free and available at Family Service Centers around Singapore Perhaps you can find one near your home? During the rocky years of my marriage, my husband had also refused to see counselors with me. I phoned up AWARE and the individual counseling helped me a big deal. They helped me understood my situation from a whole new angle. They did not charge me $ for the first time counseling.
 
Well, since come to this stage, i guess you can only chose to walk this path alone since he's not supporting at all. Right npw, focus on yourself and your soon to born baby.
Things may turn out better (or may not) after the child is born. So just prepare for the worst.
Stay strong, and meet up with friends and etc. Stay happy...
 
Not sure how it was put 2 him about d psychiatrist appt... but his not willing 2 participate, even thu it may b 4 your well-being as much as his...

I hope u will b able 2 overcome this n move forward, b it wif or without him. Do wat is best 4 you n baby... Think about your own well- being, as well as dat of your unborn child. No one can tell u wat 2 do unless u wanna do it.

I was once in an abuse relationship, n it took me a while 2 walk out, cos I have 2 overcome me, myself n I. Not ez... but wif determination, one can.

I’m happy that you managed to overcome and stepped out of the abusive relationship.

I have half a mind to walk out now but I’m not sure if this is the best time to do it and give myself more stress and problems (assets division and lawyer fees) etc. Maybe constantly reminding myself to expect only 50% effort from him is the only way to make me feel better.
 
Hi DepressedMummy,
Honestly, no ladies deserve to suffer like you do...my heart goes out to you, I was thinking about your posts the whole day and finally have time to write…Here I attach an article which I finally found, “The Man-Child And His Long Suffering Wife”. I read this a few years ago and couldn’t help but to link your situation to this study. Quote : “The man-child and long suffering wife dynamic is prevalent among women married to video-game addicts, guys with untreated ADHD, and guys who are continually unfaithful. The woman is in an enabler role, complaining about the man’s behavior but never truly allowing herself to give him an ultimatum. Instead, she shoulders more and more of the work of the home, making passive-aggressive comments and using other women, or, in unhealthy cases, the kids, as her support system.” Please ignore the last sentence, I don’t think you are her. However, does the former description of man-child sounds familiar to you?
Link to article. http://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/05/28/man-child-long-suffering-wife-couples-meet-counseling-5/
Dr Rodman is a therapist and does couple counseling. It’s impossible to meet her, too far away. But if the article describes your husband, you could read on to understand how high are your stakes. I couldn’t figure your intention of scheduling a psychiatrist. Do you suspect that your husband’s behavior is a result of psychological problem? You mentioned about financial constraints to see counseling. Marriage counseling is free and available at Family Service Centers around Singapore Perhaps you can find one near your home? During the rocky years of my marriage, my husband had also refused to see counselors with me. I phoned up AWARE and the individual counseling helped me a big deal. They helped me understood my situation from a whole new angle. They did not charge me $ for the first time counseling.

Yes your reference is very apt and all that sounds too familiar to me. I am now the wife Who makes passive-aggressive comments and resorts to using other women (my own mom and MIL) as my support system. But the effectiveness, alas, don’t last for long.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I managed to find an affordable counselling centre but he seems reluctant to go with me, stating that sleep is more important (and yet he can spend hours watching tv and playing games late into the night). Another stab into my heart when he said this. I wish to savage this marriage but it takes both parties’ willingness to work.
 
Well, since come to this stage, i guess you can only chose to walk this path alone since he's not supporting at all. Right npw, focus on yourself and your soon to born baby.
Things may turn out better (or may not) after the child is born. So just prepare for the worst.
Stay strong, and meet up with friends and etc. Stay happy...
Thank you.. I’m trying to stay strong and positive
 
Things haven gotten better despite trying to talk to him and getting my family to speak to him. In fact, he is behaving much worse.

Heavily pregnant now in my final trimester and we just had a quarrel when I asked him to help me with the hanging of the done-laundry after he came back from work. He said he was tired but continue to watch tv. The quarrel got so heated that he changed into outside clothes and wanted to go sleep in the car instead of in our house. This isn’t the first time he threatened/try to/did leave the house when we quarrel in my pregnancy.

Each time, he attributed it to my nasty temper and this house being an unwelcoming place for him to come home to. But I actually kept quiet and didn’t talk to him the moment he rejected my request for help with the laundry instead of flaring at him.

In the end, after much pleading and me literally blocking the door and telling him that my belly was tightening, then he relented and went back to bed.

Next day afternoon, we quarreled again over a video interview with a potential domestic helper. He kept quiet throughout the interview so I gotta as the only one asking questions. Later on, he told me off for asking a stupid question that was “are you okay with waking up at night to take care of newborn baby?”. I explained to him first that we could be tired out from taking care of the baby and he got even more agitated and scolded me. He said he don’t understand why I would feel tired in the first place when we are gonna have a confinement lady and maid to help ME. I could rest in the day. When I tried explaining that breastfeeding is a 2-3hour thing, he said I could rest when I’m pumping. Things didn’t end well. I cried, he drove recklessly. I got down the car, was in a terrible state, skipped lunch and took Urgent leave from work.
 
Ok.. so he blames u for evrythg... he makes u picked at him so he can rebuke u in return... and best is he always 'coinidicently' ends up walking out of the house (if he cans) or keep quiet (if he can't walks out)...
U hv bn scratching your head and wonder why the degree of anger don't tally w the intense of the situation....

Don't think he is clean to start w.... u sure he go 'sleep in the car'?...
 
My suggestion is if u can move back to ur parent house and stay .. please do it it.. be it till u give birth or all the way even after give birth.. and for baby items.. look out here or those FB blessing grp.. i am sure it can help u alot in money .. like how much i am blessed also since hubby n i dont earn much and that bb grow fast..

I think i will equally be upset if hubby said such remarks on not wanting the baby.. i will take care of it myself instead of depending on him.. some pple dont appreciate until they lost it.

Jia you.
 

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