Please advise, I am lost...

[VenusMummy]

Hi all, I wish to sought some advises/opinion here.
I am married to my husband for nearly a year, but things have gone bad drastically for a few months already. I have a 7 months old son (yes it was a shotgun marriage) who is under the care of my MIL. Currently, I am living with my in laws till my BTO flat is ready in 3.5 years' time.
But both of us have come to a decision to file for separation since we feel the marriage is not gonna work out. I don't think there is much feelings left for each other since we quarrel daily. We are seeing a marriage counsellor but didn't seem to be of much help.
Now comes the problematic part. If we were to file for separation, most likely I will be going to stay at my parents' place. But they can't provide care for my son as things are kinda complicated at their side as they have to take care of my dementia grandma and my dad is not physically well of late. And it doesn't help when my sister's daughter is under their daycare during weekdays. They do have a maid at their side but mum claims that the workload is overwhelming for her.
My husband and I agreed to have joint custody, but I don't think at my end I have a proper place for my son to live in. I am currently trying to convince my parents to let him stayover from Friday night to Sunday, but I am not sure if my dad is agreeable.
I am contemplating renting a room, but which means it would add on to my expenses plus I don't earn that much.
Kind of at lost now. Would appreciate some opinions and advises. Thank you.

 

[trinity4ever]

Hi VenusMummy

On accommodation, you can seek help from HDB. Understand they do rent 1 or 2 bedroom units to single parent at a subsided rate but you need to meet certain criteria. Also, check out MSF & see what help they can offer for single parent. Hope this helps. Take care.

 

[reyals]

Find a nanny that takes care of your baby from Monday to Friday. Weekends you bring back and look after yourself.

 

[onsansg]

It will be tough on you and baby will lack the complete parental love. Please rescue the marriage as the cause is not due to third party nor from elderly parents/in-laws.

It is common a new addition to family always lead to problems, can say will only until many years later..there is no bed of roses as we have been thinking a bundle of joy could help. We have just to soldier on.

 

[VenusMummy]

Hi thanks for the replies.

Just to update, my hub is rather firm on the divorce.

Just wanna check can joint custody takes place when care & control lies solely on one party?

 

[gladjo]

Hi Venus,u hv to substantiate why n how Care & Control & Custody solely to you ... in every case, it's always joint Custody while Care & Contol can b solely 1 parent. Unless he hv a violent n abusive nature, otherwise it's difficult.

Meanwhile, u hv to determine if u want to proceed yr BTO or terminate b4 u get fine heavily. ..I pm u already

 

[spaceger]

Give each other a break (a while), then think about the journey how both of u got together.
go for a short break together after that (without your child)...

 

[4evaluv]

If u n hb are quarrelling frequently den a divorce is beta for d kid. But if nt can try to work thgs out. I agree with putting at nanny place or mayb put at infant care? U can see yr mp if u need sm help. See wat they can do. Jia you!

 

[coachy0203]

I dont think you can file for a divorce since you only married for a year, I think you need to be married for at least 3 years before you can file for a divorce. Perhaps try to seperate first and see if things will be getting better between you two after having some "cool off" period. Meanwhile, try to find a solution while you stay with your parents/ friends/ relatives.

Honestly, getting divorce isnt going to be a favourable solution at your end. Either renting a room or getting a nanny is a big expense for you, especially if you dont earn that much. Also, your family is having enough problems on their own which they probably wont be able to help you much.

 

[lab60]

Hi, please cool down.. Any action you take now may not make sense as now u guys are emotional. Why not stay as what it is for now and focus on yr son well being.

 

[lab60]

Its easy go separate... Coming togather as a family.or couple takes alot of patience understanding and compromise.

 

[coachy0203]

i totally agreed with @lab60, marriage needs lots of patience, understanding and compromising from both parties, our marriage was almost gone in the first year, it's not easy for 2 different people (especially if having different habits, hobbies, etc) move in and live together. Heaps of things and habits need to be adjusted, luckily both of us are willing to change, and compromise to each other. Then the second year onward, everything is getting more and more smooth. I dont need to tell him, he already knows what i want, and likewise i know what he wants. Perhaps you can try to think about the actual/ main problems of this relationship and maybe try to figure out how to make it work (including changing your habits, character, etc) to save this marriage for the seek of your son?

 

[clarissagoh]

Marriage is never easy.. 2 adults take time to get used to each other's living habits etc in their first year of marriage... not to mention, you 2 have to cope with a newborn during this period... there is a lot of changes to get used to and it is surely a very tedious and stressful period.

Divorce may seem like an easy solution now. An end to all quarrels. However, the road ahead will be even more difficult as you struggle to work and care for your child if the child is under your care.. or if u choose to leave him under the care of ur in laws... u will feel guilty that you did not provide the care to your child when he needs you most in his early years...

The fact that both of u went to see a marriage counsellor shows that you 2 bother... at least u both are doing something to save ur marriage. I would say, give both of yourselves some time... baby needs a complete family and with the help of ur in laws... both of u can work... earn money, save up... while have some me-time away from each other. It seems to be the best solution for now. Back home, avoid conflict. Give in to each other if it is not really a big deal. Focus on the child.. you both brought him to this world.. so you 2 have to be responsible for him. Who knows, maybe after a while, you 2 will adjust better and continue this journey as a couple.. It may not be all sparks and fire... but a peaceful, calming relationship between parents is also a good one for your child.

So think wisely, don't be rash in your decision making... Take care and all the best.