Parents in Law problem

[rainz34]

Hi Everyone, I have been a silent reader but decided to create an account to seek advice on some matters. Please bear with my long story.

I just got married this year and its been barely 3 months and I have problems with my parents in law. I am not staying with them but yet still have problems so can you imagine if I am staying with them?

Let me start off with the 1st problem they gave me immediately after my wedding banquet. They did not helped out with a single cent. I paid the deposit of about 4k to secure the venue and the rest of the banquet amount was paid using the ang pows. Parents in law insisted that they wanted to take the ang pow back to count and pass us the money before we check out the hotel. We insisted that we will do the counting ourselves and after lots of disagreements and discussions, we managed to convince them to let us do the counting ourselved. The amount received was sufficient to cover the the banquet bill but not my deposit. My FIL came to tell me that the deposit was being paid about a year ago and just treat it as gone since ang pow money not enough to cover it. However, after a couple of days I found out that both my parents in law took a number of ang pows back and did not return it back to us, the amount added up to about 2k-3k. So they deliberately took the money and did not return me to cover the deposit I paid and acted in front of me that we made a lose on my deposit but in actual fact they took the money which could have covered my deposit.

For this matter, I quarrelled with my Husband and after much talk, I decided to let it go. However, my parents in law did not stop giving problem, they nagged and attempted to change my lifestyle. They told me the following:

- They nagged that I should give birth but it was barely 1 mth after the AD and I have nv mentioned that I do not want to give birth.
- They nagged that our flat is not meant for us to stay but should be an investment instead so they literally forced us to move in and stay with them. BTW, our flat is a BTO project.
- They insist that I should go back to their house and help out with household chores and also give them some allowances.
- We are planning a Europe honeymoon next year and FIL insisted that honeymoon should be done in Malaysia with a maxmum of 3 days ( even if we decide to go further places like HK or taiwan)
- He call my husband every now and then to go back home for lame reasons like pointing to him where to sign on a form. ** Note that Husband has an elder brother.. and I am very puzzled why such minor things need to ask my husband to travel all the way back???
- Even our house renovation, he told us that kitchen cabinet should do those steel kind like those you find in hawker stalls.

There are many more other things...

On a side note, my FIL is suffering from cancer.. and I do not know whether I should forgive and forget given the fact that he has cancer? However, on the other hand, I feel very mistreated from the 1st day I married in and I do not know why I have to live up to all his expectations when my own parents dont even set such expectations on me..

Can anyone please advise me what should I do? Am I wrong to feel unhappy, mistreated and angry given the fact that FIL has cancer?

Thanks.

 

[sgparent]

i guess u just have to bear with it for the time being. Dont let yr relationship with your parents in law strain that of yours with your husband.

Just take it that you are giving in to an elderly and dont ji jiao with him, probably that will save a lot of unhappy and awkward situations.

 

[frog]

Your story sounds like it came right out of a korean drama script! Must be very drama and shocking for you to be such a situation. I suppose (or, I would like to believe) that a big of what's happening is due to their insecurity over battling cancer and having "LOST" a son to you.

They can give all the advice they want. You cannot stop them. You can, however, choose not to take their advice. New BTOs are not allowed to be rented out, anyway. Highlight the point that HDB is getting very strict with enforcement now, and you don't wanna have your flat taken away! So that might be a good starting point to make and work from there onwards. You need to decide how much independence you want in this - having rented out your flat would render you totally dependent on them for a roof. Consider a compromise such as sleeping over for a couple of nights, to see how it goes.

If they need domestic help, find them a part time cleaner. Find them a professional, whatever. Especially if you have to work, because extra housework would tire you out, and then everything else will go downhill - sex, marriage, energy level, general happiness, etc. Speak to your husband - don't take things personally. Really, if it is domestic help they need, hire one for them. If it is security they need, send the husband to them more often.

All the best!

 

[rainz34]

Thanks for the advices.

My FIL actually told us to vacant the BTO and move back to stay with them then help out with housework and just need to give them allowance. Isnt it a stupid thing to do? I have a house, but I vacant it and stay with them and yet I still have to give allowance which is almost like giving them rental fee. Still, I need to pay monthly housing loan etc for my BTO.

FIL nv believed that we can't rent out our BTO until a relative told him that.. then he came out with the idea of having me tell HDB that I am only child and need to stay with my own parents but in fact move in and stay with him instead.

I told my husband all these, and all he does is listen without any comment.. guess he feel sandwiched.. and doesnt know how to handle the situation. so he keep telling me he understand and ask me to give in... I gave in to the money issue but then his dad just doesnt leave me alone.. he just nag and nag all the way..

He even told me their family roots is very good.. if anything happen it must be from out of their family roots.. i dont know if he is implying me..sigh~

My mum was telling me its usally MIL but my case special.. its FIL.. sigh~~

 

[bbfelice]

Not just BTO flat, think any new flat is not allow to rent the whole unit out within certain years, that's what I heard.

As for your FIL, think you have to master the skill of "hear one in one out" Yes, your husband may feel sandwich especially your FIL has cancer. But at least he willing to lend a listening ear to you not every husband will do that....

Anything he said, you can try to pretend not to hear or respond like ''oh...'' Maybe after sometime not gettting much respond from you, he will just leave you alone..

Remember don't let him affect the relationship with your husband, it is not worth it.

cheer up

 

[twinklestarworld]

It's tough and unhappy to endure such things right after getting married.

Is your FIL a money-minded person? Seem that he actually eye on the ang bao money from the wedding banquet and now he is more interested in getting rental from you.

if all ways of getting your new bto rented is out of qn, be careful that yr FIL might think of moving in with you and rent out theirs. If you are uncomfortable, get your hb to speak to them directly about what you want.

Being married esp just married, it should be a happy and best moment. Don't let this affect you too much. You can voice out, but take it easy. It's just the beginning of your marriage life.

 

[rainz34]

Yup.. I think he is really money-minded person from his actions.. I nv knew this side of him when i was just dating my husband... I guess he now thinks that I am part of his family and has the right to "take" money from me..therefore showing all his true colours immediately after my AD.

I doubt he will stay in my flat as he feel that his house ( which is very old more than 20 yrs) is of higher property value, bigger space and what's more.. all the other relatives (his own siblings and their respective families) are staying in the same block.

Anyone else have the same issues as me? or am I really the suay 1 with such parents in laws? BTW, my MIL is slightly better but she is those kind who will listen to my FIL..

 

[bbfelice]

Rainz34,

Agreed that there is possiblitity that your FIL might move in since he is full of patterns, think you better let your hubby knows that you do not want to stay together with your inlaws either now or future. Tell him nicely that sure have lots of conflicts by then & he will be in a difficult position...gain his support first...

Mean time, you try to stay cool & be ignorant to what he said...who knows that he might find is boring talking without you response to him eventually

 

[rykgirl]

Hi rAinz,
U are not alone.. My PILs used to be like that.. They demanded a lot, not only based on money but on pride as well.. Everything also want big big showfront.. And they're super traditional and superstitious folks.. I'm christian so u can guess the drama with them.. MIL even threatened suicide on our wedding banquet arrangement as I didn't want it but compromised it to be simple, not grand grand type.. I agreed to bow to ancestors but she demanded I burn joss sticks.. We moved near them but they did not sign near parents' grant.. The objected cos they still wanted their son to give allowance and couldn't bear to let son go.. They have 3 sons but can specially call my hubby to go home to "fix" up a TV, call him home for dinner everyday even though we have our own home and we work odd shifts.. And a lot more..

In my case, the imposing one was my MIL and she had cancer.. She passed away slightly more than a year ago.. All these happened before she discovered she had cancer but she was gone 3years later.. Lucky for me, she learnt to cherish me as her DIL during her last few months.. It was a little late but it's always better late than never right?

Best is to live your life with your hb as it should be, away from them.. Don't stir any trouble with them and avoid them as much as possible.. If your hb protests, tell him u want peace so better to avoid cos your FIL duno his own limit.. That way, he won't be sandwiched.. Allow him to go back once in a while.. It'll be ok, it'll pass..

Wish u all the best! It will be ok..

 

[shoppixe]

Just tahan and ultimately ignore. As for staying with them, it's a no-no really. 1. Even if you leave ur flat vacant, you can get complained and receive a warning from hdb. You are supposed to stay at ur registered address. Don't risk losing ur flat. That's what happened to my gf. A neighbor complained and they sent ppl to investigate... 2. If your PIL wants grandkids all the more they need to let you have a place of your own. More space less stress, less chores more time & mood to ttc. A long honeymoon definitely helps too.
Don't be too bothered w the 'roots' comment... It's a very ignorant comment and they don't know any better. My mil even told me giving birth is not painful like shitting. I nearly replied so do u mean ur son is shit or ur future grandkids are shit? But held my peace.
As for money, if you can afford then let it go. If not then you need to let them know it's beyond your means. Else you and your husband will be overly stressed. My PILs have a very traditional mindset that ppl need to own cars else it means you are drop dead poor but me & hubby decided not to as its not a necessity. They ask over & over again until I said "oh we did our sums the cost of the mthly maintainence of a car = cost of a baby mthly so if we buy a car now we push back the baby plans by a few yrs." They never asked again.
Sometimes they wld never understand so use something that cuts closer.
One good thing is that I have always kept my salary details hidden from parents. Mine and PIL... Cos it just messes ppl up. A 3k salary might sound a lot to our parents but in today's world with inflation, 3k is barely enough... So hush is the word. Hugz, jiayou and tahan. Everytime I vent PIL issues to hubby, I end with I'm sorry I'm just stressed and need to vent,I love you. Cos hubby is not goin to have solutions anyways.

 

[piggy_mum]

Your last sentence touchEd me to the core - from the 1st day I married in and I do not know why I have to live up to all his expectations when my own parents dont even set such expectations on me..
Bcos I hv to bear w the same thing for the last 6 yrs ever since I got married...I was the princess of my parents but is Always the bad DIL nv live up to their expectation though I tried hard. Everything bad happen will blame on me regardless. Some pil are like that. U are nv good enough for their precious son!!

Sigh...

 

[wasabimei]

my FIL once said this to my husband...
You only have one father.. but you can always remarry another wife..

Can you image how hurt I was?

 

[jamiemama]

Unbelievable...FIL is obviously trying to guilt-trip your husband. Don't take it to heart, don't think he means that he wants your husband to divorce you, he is just stating what he thinks is a 'fact'.

My own parents also took a portion of the wedding angpows that they believe were contributed by relatives or their own friends. It's because they need to pay back by attending future wedding banquets of these relatives/friends children. I'm sorry you did not get back your deposit as a result. Treat it as you and husband lugi from the wedding banquet...

 

[san20sg]

frankly, do give & take a little. parents are parents, whether they are your parents or his parents. they give life to us, nourish us, fed us & bring us up.

i just became a mother and is really so much more appreciative of my mother. it is really exhausting to have a child.

Don't begrudge some hongbaos to the parents, money can also be earned back. without them, there won't be your hubby.But of course, have to keep reminding your hubby that you are doing this for him & he should treat your parents the same way.

i believe your fil has good intentions. he prob thinks that he is trying to help u save some money that you can rent out the flat for a higher sum. If you do not wish to do so, just act blur & insist BOT flats cannot be rented, you have called HDB & written etc but still cannot be done. And reassure them you will still visit often.

Your fil has cancer. Forgive & forget, you will be happier. And in future when you have your own kids, you will not regret this.

 

[rourou89]

My MIL also wanted to take back some ang baos on our wedding banquet. But Hubby said firmly no. I have to give out 5 tables to my mum (As chinese tradition) that's already 5K . And my hubby said since MIL is going to have a "daughter" in the family, why should she take the ang baos.
Luckily she didn't take the ang baos, because after we counted everything end of day, it was just enough for the whole banquet, with my mum taking away 5 tables of ang baos.
Though our deposit of 3k cannot be taken back, but at least we don't have to fork out any more money on the banquet.

I'm currently staying with MIL , cause our BTO flat is not finished yet. So far, no problem. Even if there is, just minor ones and I'll just close 1 eyes and pretend nothing have happen, afterall she's our elder.