MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

[frog]

Hi, i'm new to this forum. I just got married this year and currently staying with my husband's family.
I don't have a child yet because i dont want to get pregnant at this time as these problems stop me from having a baby now. Gosh! Does anyone have all these problems too?

My mil doesn't knows how to cook
She get drunk and become very dramatic
She's quite lazy
Their house is so dirty and dusty
They have 3 dogs at home


I dread to go back home man! i just go home and lock myself in the room.

Consider one of these options:
1. Stay with your parents (sighting cannot deal with 3 dogs?)
2. Stay with a relative / cousin etc which might be nearer to workplace?
3. Keep trying the SBF and even open market. Older flats tend to be much bigger. Stay near your parents, so you get more HDB grant.

 

[september]

Ur hb know what is bothering u in staying with his parent? What is his stand and suggestion/solution?

 

[jasmintan]

I'm in a similar situation as you, lifeistooshorttobesad.

I've just been married for four months, and that was after I had a miscarriage. I'm now living with my husband and his parents in their home and for these four months, I've been living so uncomfortably.

Everyone in the house has to shower in my parents-in-law room and I feel so so awkward and uncomfortable parading myself in front of my FIL as he lies in bed watching TV. I feel so embarrassed I always have to walk in and out of their room in my PJs and I hate that. Why are they so insensitive? They insist we shower in their room as well even though there's a common toilet in the kitchen.

And also, their family has a habit of saving water so they do not flush the toilet bowl after every time it's been used and I find that so disgusting and unhygienic. I will flush before I use but after I use I'll have to wait for awhile before I can flush again as my FIL controls the amount of water that's being flushed by some knob.

I hardly drink water in that house because they boil the water and keep topping up a container which they never really wash frequently. There were a few times I saw particles in my glass as I was drinking so I try not to drink water there.

My MIL always keeps all the leftover foods and will reheat by microwaving them for dinner, and sometimes add a few 'fresh' dishes. There was once a dish was damaged because it was left over for too long I believe.

I feel like I've been living so unhappily over these past four months and I really pity myself. So I'll try to go back to my own home as often as I can. My husband recently has shown his displeasure as he thinks I've not even tried to get myself used to the new environment. I was upset with him because he failed to understand me and my feelings. We are trying for a child now and I think it's impossible for me to get pregnant again in such an environment whereby I can't even eat, drink, shower, or pee comfortably.

I had a fight with my husband on Thursday night, I left to come back to my own home on Friday morning, he came over on Friday night to have a big fight with me in front of my parents, and I haven't seen him since he left that night. We haven't spoken and he hasn't texted me nor called me. I am disappointed I married such a man who can cast me aside so easily.

 

[gladjo]

Jasmintan

Thats why b4 marriage it is important to spent time with his family to.know their lifestlye.

Why not apply for a small room .. rentals these days have dropped alot or alternativley stay with yr parents till ur house come. I had a friend who did this arrangement. Though married they live apart till their house is availavle.

 

[tensilestrain]

Jasmintan, it is easier to meet each other than to live together. 相见好同住难。

i have no solution to the showering. You can try to talk to your husband about it. But for toilet, you can prepare a small pail. Before you use, flush the toilet. After you use, use the pail to get some water and flush it again with that water.

You can get your own water container or help to wash the container they are using before they top up.

You can volunteer to buy the dinner once in a while so your mil can take a rest. Then encourage everyone to help in finishing the dishes you bought as the food would not taste as nice if reheat.


These are just some ways to improve your situation.

Sometimes we just have to give and take. Not everyone is the same and we all have different lifestyles.

 

[frog]

It is easy to blame others for our unhappiness. But, someone once said, what happens to us is not as important as our RESPONSE to what happened. In this case, if they don't wash the water jug, how about you wash it every morning? That is what I do at my own home. Boil a kettle of water at night. Morning, rinse the water jug before pouring the "new" water inside.

You complain about eating what is prepared for you - but how about taking the effort to prepare dinner instead? Either buying or cooking, starting with, say, every weekend? All these things takes effort. And once you start doing it, you would appreciate why sometimes, it feels so great to be able to take something from the fridge or freezer, and have a meal ready under 10 minutes. If you don't want to eat, then don't eat, say you get tummyache from eating leftover food (which is what a colleague experiences). Many mommies here will tell you that we cook in big batches, and have a few days' supply of frozen food ready.

If you don't want to shower in the PIL's room, then, don't. The other bathroom is not unlocked, right? Just say, you do not feel comfortable parading in PJs. Then just goto the other toilet. Have problem with the flush? Then get a plumber in to fix it to your liking. PIL dun like - well, they have to live with you just like you have to live with them.

And you need to think carefully, is it really the best time to have children? KIV until you sort out these things. Because these things will eat into us. Especially so if you are raging with maternal hormones. Places will feel dirtier and stinkier, and you will have nesting instinct - to provide an environment best for your baby. And for now, there is a great divide between your "best" and their "best". And your husband isn't much of a help either. If he grew up like that, you need to make him see how you grew up... and then think, if you have children, whose standards apply?

 

[VenusMummy]

Omg, I am so glad to have stumbled upon this thread!

I soooo wanna rant!

I have already shifted out from my in-laws' place 6 months ago. Really can't stand living with them. My new flat would only be ready in 2019, even the earliest may be 2018 (last quarter). Admittedly, my marriage is not strong to begin with, so it added on stress to me living with the in-laws.

Just like what the others' have shared here. I can't stand it whenever my son says "mama" (obviously calling me), my SIL and FIL will think that he is calling my MIL. I tried to tell my hub about this but he brushed it off as "oh, what they meant was "ma4 ma4" so its just calling ah ma in short form.

My son is now 16 months old, I doubt he knows who really is his mum. He practically calls any females in their house mama.

What's worse is, my hub blurted out that his mum is badmouthing about me to my son cus I chose to "walk out out on him" just cause I left their house six months back (without notifying her). Seriously, the longer I stay with them, higher the possibility I would land myself at IMH

I can't wait for my flat to be ready! We are saving up on reno, so renting a flat is too pricey for us at the moment and my 16 months old boy is too much for us to handle alone. So I really need the help of my in-laws (albeit reluctantly).

I do feel very much imbalance that my son prefers my SIL and MIL instead of me. I mean I don't stay with them and my parents' side is too complicated/overwhelmed to accommodate my son, so yeah...resigned to fate already.

 

[jasmintan]

Jasmintan

Thats why b4 marriage it is important to spent time with his family to.know their lifestlye.

Why not apply for a small room .. rentals these days have dropped alot or alternativley stay with yr parents till ur house come. I had a friend who did this arrangement. Though married they live apart till their house is availavle.

That is why I suggested to my husband that we rent a place outside on our own and he's agreeable to it. But he's afraid to tell his parents about it.

 

[jasmintan]

It is easy to blame others for our unhappiness. But, someone once said, what happens to us is not as important as our RESPONSE to what happened. In this case, if they don't wash the water jug, how about you wash it every morning? That is what I do at my own home. Boil a kettle of water at night. Morning, rinse the water jug before pouring the "new" water inside.

You complain about eating what is prepared for you - but how about taking the effort to prepare dinner instead? Either buying or cooking, starting with, say, every weekend? All these things takes effort. And once you start doing it, you would appreciate why sometimes, it feels so great to be able to take something from the fridge or freezer, and have a meal ready under 10 minutes. If you don't want to eat, then don't eat, say you get tummyache from eating leftover food (which is what a colleague experiences). Many mommies here will tell you that we cook in big batches, and have a few days' supply of frozen food ready.

If you don't want to shower in the PIL's room, then, don't. The other bathroom is not unlocked, right? Just say, you do not feel comfortable parading in PJs. Then just goto the other toilet. Have problem with the flush? Then get a plumber in to fix it to your liking. PIL dun like - well, they have to live with you just like you have to live with them.

And you need to think carefully, is it really the best time to have children? KIV until you sort out these things. Because these things will eat into us. Especially so if you are raging with maternal hormones. Places will feel dirtier and stinkier, and you will have nesting instinct - to provide an environment best for your baby. And for now, there is a great divide between your "best" and their "best". And your husband isn't much of a help either. If he grew up like that, you need to make him see how you grew up... and then think, if you have children, whose standards apply?

Dear tensilestrain and frog, I've tried on many occasions to shower in the common toilet and I even told my MIL it's because I don't want to disturb them as they are resting in the room. And every time after I shift my shower amenities out into that toilet, she will shift them back into her toilet. The family uses the common toilet for laundry, and it's where they place all their dirty pails, etc. so they don't want anyone to use that toilet to shower.

As for dinner, I have always offered to make dinner but my MIL has declared right at the beginning when I first moved in that 'I own this kitchen okay. This is my kitchen, you all don't come in here and do anything.' So from then, I knew I was not allowed to even cook if I had wanted to. And I tried to tell my husband we could buy dinner back so his mother doesn't have to always cook, very tiring for her. He insisted on letting his mother cook and there's really nothing I can do about that.

As for the water, the moment I discovered there were always particles in the water, I offered to install a water filter system in the house (and will pay for it). But I got a scolding from my FIL - he says I'm wasting money. I've tried to boil my own water, but my husband asked me why I boil when there are still water in that container and his parents also came to ask me not to boil when there's still water - so it's hard for me to boil my own water and have my own container in our room. Initially, I washed the container every morning and my husband also say I waste water because I will rinse away the water that's still inside.

That's why I'm hoping we can rent a place our own outside so we can work on developing our marriage without his parents around, and then have children.

 

[frog]

Dear tensilestrain and frog, I've tried on many occasions to shower in the common toilet and I even told my MIL it's because I don't want to disturb them as they are resting in the room. And every time after I shift my shower amenities out into that toilet, she will shift them back into her toilet. The family uses the common toilet for laundry, and it's where they place all their dirty pails, etc. so they don't want anyone to use that toilet to shower.

As for dinner, I have always offered to make dinner but my MIL has declared right at the beginning when I first moved in that 'I own this kitchen okay. This is my kitchen, you all don't come in here and do anything.' So from then, I knew I was not allowed to even cook if I had wanted to. And I tried to tell my husband we could buy dinner back so his mother doesn't have to always cook, very tiring for her. He insisted on letting his mother cook and there's really nothing I can do about that.

As for the water, the moment I discovered there were always particles in the water, I offered to install a water filter system in the house (and will pay for it). But I got a scolding from my FIL - he says I'm wasting money. I've tried to boil my own water, but my husband asked me why I boil when there are still water in that container and his parents also came to ask me not to boil when there's still water - so it's hard for me to boil my own water and have my own container in our room. Initially, I washed the container every morning and my husband also say I waste water because I will rinse away the water that's still inside.

That's why I'm hoping we can rent a place our own outside so we can work on developing our marriage without his parents around, and then have children.

The first 1-2 years of marriage is the hardest, even without the in-laws. Right now you are "fighting" with in-laws. What if you move out? Your husband came from that household and was "OK with everything". You cannot be fighting him, too. Running back home often will not solve the problem, and it will not go away on its own.

 

[jasmintan]

The first 1-2 years of marriage is the hardest, even without the in-laws. Right now you are "fighting" with in-laws. What if you move out? Your husband came from that household and was "OK with everything". You cannot be fighting him, too. Running back home often will not solve the problem, and it will not go away on its own.

I don't want all these superficial things to affect my marriage with my husband. So I tell him gently that it just boils down to different living habits, and it's not that I don't like his parents. My husband is definitely OK with everything in that household because that was how he grew up - everything that happens in the house is a norm to him, but I feel that he should at least try to understand things have changed for me and that it takes time for anyone to get used to a totally different living environment.

 

[timmerin]

jasmintan,

what about buying a place of your own? y rent if u can buy ur own place? your pil seems to hv fixed ways about living their lives... esp when it's their own house. it seems quite impossible to get them to change fr my experience.

i would consider moving back to my parents house n maybe give an excuse e.g. it's due to the nearer distance to my job etc.

 

[thuzarmaylwin]

Just ignore her

 

[tensilestrain]

Jasmintan, it takes time to change habits. Some can change slowly. Some can't be changed.

My mil thinks that i should not be too close to my family since i am a married woman. Many years ago, she checked on me by calling my house number. I was not at home. So she called my husband to ask if he knew where i was, not knowing that i was with him. I was very upset.

Just 2 weeks ago, i asked my mum to take care of my sick child. My mum received a call from my mil who was looking for her daughter. She claimed she dialled the wrong number. But i know she was checking on my mum, ready to tell tales if my mum is not at home.

This is just something i can't change. I don't want to kick up a fuss over it. Life is too short to quarrel over every single thing.

I have the greatest culture shock in my life after marriage. It took me many years to adjust. I am still trying to make changes. But certain things are just beyond my control. In fact, i am still having culture shock from time to time.

Hope you find a way out soon.

 

[ayeayelinnthu]

The problem still exist ?

 

[mrandmrsh]

jasmine, maybe get bottled water for the time being and put in your room? sigh, have to tolerate first for the time being, no choice until you got your own place. Cos after all they have the same habits for long long time

 

[Purplemama]

Jasmintan, it takes time to change habits. Some can change slowly. Some can't be changed.

My mil thinks that i should not be too close to my family since i am a married woman. Many years ago, she checked on me by calling my house number. I was not at home. So she called my husband to ask if he knew where i was, not knowing that i was with him. I was very upset.

Just 2 weeks ago, i asked my mum to take care of my sick child. My mum received a call from my mil who was looking for her daughter. She claimed she dialled the wrong number. But i know she was checking on my mum, ready to tell tales if my mum is not at home.

This is just something i can't change. I don't want to kick up a fuss over it. Life is too short to quarrel over every single thing.

I have the greatest culture shock in my life after marriage. It took me many years to adjust. I am still trying to make changes. But certain things are just beyond my control. In fact, i am still having culture shock from time to time.

Hope you find a way out soon.

It remind me my mil. She will always like to ask me when she see me, asking me "did I go back my Mother house" or " did I bring baby back to my Mother plc"?

She also keep asking me "did my Mother come over my plc"?

 

[Baby_baby1234]

Too many horror stories here. In a way I'm "glad" that I'm not alone. But does anyone else have a crazy FIL instead?? To me, I try my best to fulfil my DIL duties by visiting at least once a week but am always greeted with a black face..like 80 percent of the time.
Seriously dunno what's the big issue. I Guess I can accept it if it's just his character. But its not. He's always nice and smiley towards my hubb's siblings' partners. Even though I'm always the one clearing up after dinner : doing dishes & wiping table etc.
I always tell myself that as Long as I've fulfilled my duties, its good enough. I cannot control his attitude and behaviour. But sometimes will still feel hurt and unfair la..
FIL face was Super black on wedding day too, esp during tea ceremony. Really spoilt my mood for me on this v special day. Talked to hubbs abt this afterwards and he didn't believe me.. Until he saw the wedding video den he couldn't deny it lol.
Really no respect for me and my family. He gave black face to my parents too which was really unacceptable to me. Doing it to me is one thing, but to my parents too? Omg.
What an ungentlemanly Uncle!

(Thx for letting me vent)

 

[memy]

Too many horror stories here. In a way I'm "glad" that I'm not alone. But does anyone else have a crazy FIL instead?? To me, I try my best to fulfil my DIL duties by visiting at least once a week but am always greeted with a black face..like 80 percent of the time.
Seriously dunno what's the big issue. I Guess I can accept it if it's just his character. But its not. He's always nice and smiley towards my hubb's siblings' partners. Even though I'm always the one clearing up after dinner : doing dishes & wiping table etc.
I always tell myself that as Long as I've fulfilled my duties, its good enough. I cannot control his attitude and behaviour. But sometimes will still feel hurt and unfair la..
FIL face was Super black on wedding day too, esp during tea ceremony. Really spoilt my mood for me on this v special day. Talked to hubbs abt this afterwards and he didn't believe me.. Until he saw the wedding video den he couldn't deny it lol.
Really no respect for me and my family. He gave black face to my parents too which was really unacceptable to me. Doing it to me is one thing, but to my parents too? Omg.
What an ungentlemanly Uncle!

(Thx for letting me vent)

Hi Baby, maybe u can try to ask ur Hub to find out more on the 'Black face' reason from his mum? probably Fil was hoping/ expecting something that did not get fulfilled meanwhile, don't get too stressed up over it. My Fil also seldom talk to me after i got married into the family, but i jus brushed it off as he got nothing to talk to me

 

[Baby_baby1234]

Hi Baby, maybe u can try to ask ur Hub to find out more on the 'Black face' reason from his mum? probably Fil was hoping/ expecting something that did not get fulfilled meanwhile, don't get too stressed up over it. My Fil also seldom talk to me after i got married into the family, but i jus brushed it off as he got nothing to talk to me

Hi Memy! I dun think it'll be of any use cos his mum is kinda scared of his dad kind..His family is not so open in that sense. I think maybe it's cos we're still not pregnant after 2 years of marriage? But den again, his face was already black on wedding day itself lol.
Now I've learnt to ignore for the most of it already. Especially after he scolded me very fiercely 1 time last year, my heart *died* towards this "Father figure". My hubbs ask me to not do the dishes also.. but I feel paiseh haha. We have awkward FIL relationships haa

 

[memy]

Hi Memy! I dun think it'll be of any use cos his mum is kinda scared of his dad kind..His family is not so open in that sense. I think maybe it's cos we're still not pregnant after 2 years of marriage? But den again, his face was already black on wedding day itself lol.
Now I've learnt to ignore for the most of it already. Especially after he scolded me very fiercely 1 time last year, my heart *died* towards this "Father figure". My hubbs ask me to not do the dishes also.. but I feel paiseh haha. We have awkward FIL relationships haa

Hi baby, rest assured ur not the only one with 'akward" in laws r/ships Lol. We also did not conceive yet after 2yrs + marriage n i noticed that Fil was talking less n less with us n occasionally i felt being ignored vs the other Sil/ bil not sure if its cos Fil only has 2 other dotted on grandchild n is waiting for more
do u know my only other Sil (Fil's son's wife) never do the dishes? i do it alternately cos i feel 'paiseh' too , but dun wan it to be me everytime. i think u can consider do it alternately....

 

[Baby_baby1234]

Hi baby, rest assured ur not the only one with 'akward" in laws r/ships Lol. We also did not conceive yet after 2yrs + marriage n i noticed that Fil was talking less n less with us n occasionally i felt being ignored vs the other Sil/ bil not sure if its cos Fil only has 2 other dotted on grandchild n is waiting for more
do u know my only other Sil (Fil's son's wife) never do the dishes? i do it alternately cos i feel 'paiseh' too , but dun wan it to be me everytime. i think u can consider do it alternately....

Hey Memy! Same case here!! My other SIL don't do any dishes at all. Just finish up dinner and proceed to sit on sofa and watch tv. Totally no initiative and dun feel paiseh. Yet my FIL's behaviour is so much better towards her. Soo unfair sigh. Now I just do it slowly to pass time. We're currently TTC but Guess we're just not that fertile lol. My hubbs is the lucky one la, my family loves him. He will never understand how it feels to be the unfavoured Son in-law haha. Luckily we have our own place now.. if not, really trouble in paradise lol