Hello mommies,
It’s me again and I think im going crazy torturing myself with the same old dilemma all over again.
Im very very tired from looking after my baby… I dunno whether he is demanding or I just have no energy to keep up with him… I am very tired everyday…and feel very burnt out…
I have not been able to rest or bathe since I woke up as I was busy bathing/pumping/feeding/playing with him since 7am. I tried to schedule his playtime to be “constructive” and I would read/play music/talk etc… it is very tiring… the only time away is now when im pumping (while typing this)…and even then I feel that pumping takes away 30 precious minutes with him and he gets to spend 30 extra mins with the helper which I dread…
I sometimes ask my hubby to help out and his form of play is just lying down next to him while he played with his ipad…and then he will play and placate my BB when he fusses… to me, I try to entertain him while he is awake because i believe play shd be meaningful and believe me, it is very tiring…
I feel disappointed because I never expect not to enjoy motherhood. I look fwd to his birth since my pregnancy but then reality turns out very diff...
Yet I dare not share openly my fears as im afraid ppl will chide me… ppl who did not know me will think im creating problem for myself…
It’s just that for the past 3 months I feel nothing but fatigue… everyday im low in energy dealing with his demands and changes…
Yes I have a maid but because I am paranoid and possessive, I limit my BB’s time with her… I am acutely fearful of them bonding u see… but it is impossible for him to avoid her because there are times I need to pump etc and she has to play with him as he refused to lie down in the rocker with me just talking to him…
I think I am going mad like this… and hubby could see my stress level even though im just taking care of ONE baby…
Im supposed to go bk to wk tmw… as my maternity leave has come to an end… but applied for NPL so I can spend more time with him.. reckon that unless I be a SAHM, there is never a “best” time to resume work… so after much deliberation, I intend to work part time in sept… hopefully I can achieve a balance…
I honestly dunno whats wrong with me…such thoughts and fatigue consumed me very much…hence I decided to ventilate here…pls bear with me…thanks!