How do you communicate with your husband?

ajfamily

New Member
Hi Mummies...

Do you have problem communicating with your husband ever since your child arrive?

I am a mother of 2 - 3yrs & 2yrs. For the last 3 years, the communication btw me & hubby seems to get lesser and lesser day by day and even at times there's nothing to talk about btw us.

He's hardly at home and friends seem more important than his kids. He rather spend time with his friends after work and always home after 12mn. From Mon to Sat I think the number of time spend can hardly add up to 1hr.

I choose not to voice out, I choose to close 1 eye, I choose to keep all to myself to avoid quarrels and arguements.

Am I doing the right thing?

How can I tell him all these without starting a quarrel?

How do I start a conversation with him on these matters?
 


lynzie

Member
Hi AJFAMILY..Hope u r doing fine..

I'm new here n urs is e 1st topic I ever commented..

I guess it boils down to what u r expecting or want. Communication is indeed very important in every relationship esp in a marriage. From what I gather from ur posting abt ur husb, he really needs to set his priority straight n his 1st priority should be family ie u n ur kids.

We do things with objectives in mind n that include marriage. Y marry knowing what to expect but u can't be committed. No one says u have to disregard ur friends after marriage but there should be a limit to it. Family should always come first no matter what.

Maybe u can find a time when e kids n housework r settled n that leaves u n him only. U could even wait up for him to come back n tactfully ask if both of u could talk a while. C his response n u can move on from there.

It's really not healthy for u to keep everything to urself in e long run esp when u have young kids in tow.

My husb is a man of less words. When he does talk, it means he really has something to say. We r married for almost 11+ yrs n I'm 39 weeks preggy with my 4th kid. I wun say it's smooth sailing thru-out e yrs but it takes both hands to clap. Both parties need to make e effort to go thru any problems that arises together. There r e lull periods also when we really have nothing to talk abt..he would be fixed to his documentaries n me surfing e net. Mostly also, our conversation would evolve ard e kids, home n his work. But, I would 'sound' him out when e quiet period is too long.. Asking him if he has any problems or y he has nothing to talk abt bluntly. He would automatically know that there is something wrong with me or something that I'm bothered with when I'm too quiet n would ask me in turn. I wun say my marriage is e best but we women do want e best esp when u already have kids. There will be hiccups along e way but it's whether u can live with it or make effort to get thru it together.

Sorry for my lengthy post..just my 2 cents worth.
 

ajfamily

New Member
Hi Marlina.. thanks for sharing...

I'm not expecting much from him but just hoping he pay a little more attention towards his kids. There are many times when i tried to talk to him but we always seem to end up in arguements therefore I tend to keep to myself only. He too is a man of less words and he is less sensitive i guess. I always try to make small talks but response from him are rather disappointing and hence i really dun knw how to talk to him. Setting the priority right is something which I think is not someone telling you what to do but he dun seem to take the initiative.
I'm just so lost in finding a way to communicate with him. I will always update him what his kids does and says but things just doesn't get any better!!
 

susanna_low

New Member
1 of my fav advice is to have some "me-time" with the hb WO the kids, be it a movie/makan date..it helps to bring both closer. Get out of the hse so there won't be tv, computer distraction.

When i was in SG, my parents will look after my gal while hb n I went for a short swim, movie date of at least once a week..
This is the time tt I could feel that our attention is on each other rather than our gal..With her ard, both of our attention will be fully shower on her instead.

Currently, I dun hv such luxury since we relocate overseas so my hb will take leave occasionally while my gal in sch n we go spa/jacuzzi n a nice lunch before she's back..

The key is to keep the sparks going on just like the dating days.

I believe in a balance of everything, other than spending quality time with the children, it's important to have quality time for your hb as well as for yourself too.


Make a sweet note for him... arrange a date with him.. Make small date with him..take a small step at 1 time, hope all goes well for u.
 

ipanbaby

Member
Hi AJFamily

Are you a FTWM? Or are you a SAHM?

What do you guys do on weekends?
For a start, would it be ok to suggest going out for a family breakfast on weekends? Just a few hours on Sunday, make it family time. It might help esp with the kids around.
 

Lambi

Well-Known Member
Hi Ajfamily,

im not a mum yet but reading thru, i think you might want to at least try to have a family meal together as frequent as possible as it'll certainly bring the family together. Try to have conversations linger even after meals. And try going for family outings in the weekends (reserved for family). Thru all these common activities, i think it might be of some help to let you communicate with your hb and your hb more open with communication. I hope you'll get a solution to your problem and before your children gets older..cos children can sense something's wrong by observing their parents which might in turn give birth to newer problems..but in a way i am curious on how you both communicated before children came along? Did you both have much things to talk about or common interests? If possible track back and see when did the communication broke down? What triggered it and refrain from getting into those kinda of circumstances now if you can pin-point.

crossing my fingers for you..take care!
 

ajfamily

New Member
Hi pinktulip, I'm a FTWM.

Weekends!! Saturday is my marketing n household chores day with kids and hubby works. After work he hardly cum back as he will be with his friends and start their happy hrs early. Sometimes he will not be home until the wee hrs then he will spend his Sunday slping away till late noon!!
I always do the suggestions but it just nv come true! My kids are always stuck at home with me. I have so many places I want to bring them to hv fun but me alone just so difficult to do so. And at times like this i just feel so fustrated and also sorry for my kids.
 

ajfamily

New Member
Hi Chrisl, i've tried and am still trying... I try to get him to be home early on saturday by cooking dinner. He will always say ok but end up coming back after midnight.
Weekend outing always nv came true as I've said above.
Communication was good before the kids came. We have lots of time together be it only the 2 of us or with friends. of coz things become different for me when my bb arrive but for him things seem to be the same and no changes needed for him. Initially I will always bring up and talk to him but it just nv get into him. So i choose to keep quiet because I'm tired.
 

ipanbaby

Member
AJFamily
How do you get to work? Does your hubby drive? Possible for him to drop you off at work or MRT station in the mornings? I've not gone for a date with my husband for years. but we do spend pockets of time. Eg, sometimes when he can, he'll send me to work, we chat in the car. On weekends, I'll suggest going out for a short while. Sometimes i feel staying at home can be even more stressful. I end up getting frustrated with him coz he'd really prefer the TV and sometimes even snore~! so if we go out, he'll have to be hands on with the kids. U can try a nearby park.

I don't go out with my friends, even if i do it's rare. But he goes out once a weeknight till about 1 am. I trust him lah. All his friends the uncle2 type, youngest in 30s.
 

ajfamily

New Member
Hi Susanna, I've always been the one asking him for a date (movie/dinner) recently. Yes he will make the effort to go on the date but things just go back to the norm the following day.
I've try to do whatever I can to keep the family going.. but no appreciation at all... I want to keep the family going but just me alone I'm so tired.
Is not that he dun care, it's just that he can't seem to re-adjust his timing for his kids.
 

Lambi

Well-Known Member
Ajfamily,

i feel for you..cos my own dad is almost the same like that. My mum had to go thru life bringing up both my bro and me and eventually my sis in a way..'single handedly'

In that case, go out eat on saturdays..cos i think for myself if no one appreciates my cooking/efforts i would be offended! Don't hv to be expensive places, hawker centre or budget restaurants like hans' or jacks place can do..tell him to meet you and the children at a place/time. Have you tried that? Or just as what susanna (above) said, you can just let your kids taken care of grandparents and go for dates together..or surprise him on a particular saturday by showing up at his workplace to meet him there and go to dinner from there (does he work every sat?) thus i supposed you can see/catch who he goes out with..and dress up/put on make up etc..make the spark alive again

to add on..while growing up, me and my bro will 'push' my mum and dad go out together..be a it a small dinner or we'll get cinema tickets for them to go for movie nights..it is easy to get a babysitter in your case? To look after your 2 children?
 

Lambi

Well-Known Member
oh and is his own father (your fil) like that? Cos from experience, boys will normally model behavior from 'father figure' Have you a heart to heart talk with him? In a way i feel no use keeping quiet..cos if you don't voice out, he might think it's ok all along..tell him that you feel suffocated with bearing family matters/chores all alone. (did he help in terms of financial wise?) But even if he did, it'll be good to talk and say ''it's time to delegate household matters between you and him'' Put it down black and white..i feel if anything wrong in future (not saying that it'll be but you know just to be sure, you can use this evidence against him)
 

ajfamily

New Member
pinktulip
Oh he drives me to work everyday & we bid goodbye with a kiss. Still sound sweet huh after 11+yrs!! but like surface only lor!! Throughout the journey... seems like me talking to myself. I will tell him what his kids do last night and he just do the listening. so as time passby i talk less and prefer to keep quiet.
Me too wish for weekend outing but he's nv home on a Sat unless it's a PH where he no need to work. Even on Sunday, I will hv to push him to go back to his parents hse so that the kids get to see their grandpa n grandma.
Like you I rarely go out with friends. Even though he comes back late everyday I still trust him becoz I knw who he is with (just tat few friends)through his friend's other half.
 

ajfamily

New Member
Chrisl..
Bingo! from what I know my fil is like tat. Even until today at 60+ he still stays out untill after 11pm.
 

Lambi

Well-Known Member
good that you pin pointed something..sit down and talk over with him..saying that he might not notice but to you, as a woman, you noticed that he's like his father and living in this modern world, you also need your own life and also need more support from him as your husband in terms of his contribution to household matters etc..and take it from there..i hope you'll find a way out..all the best!!
 

joyceberries

Active Member
hi AJfamily, maybe most of the time you are caring for the kids and neglect him?

can i is he a very outgoing ( most of time hanging out with frens ) kind of man wen u two dating?

i really hope he would realise his priority is his family ( u and the kids ).. and not his frens.. as family are the one who will be spending the rest of life tgt.. not the frens..
 

lynzie

Member
I agree with Chrisl..esp on e delegation part..thou kinda weird putting it in writing but if being concrete works, y not? Marriage is between 2 ppl n that includes kids n household.. Furthermore, u r working..not fair if only u settles home stuff even if his working hrs r longer or labour-intensive.

I guess u really need to let him know more abt what u feel abt e whole situation.. He seems to be still involved in e family by sending u to work n making effort for dates thou its initiated by u.

Since married n when e kids came along, me n husb never had e time to date or rather we prefer not to. We r used to taking our kids along.. Even on those rare occasions when I was working previously, we each would take half day leave to spend time with each other or run errands but still would think of how our kids r doing at home. Our totally alone time would just be during bedtime..lol!

What gender r ur kids? Since they r still young, it's best to let ur husb make e adjustments now. When they get older, they would be more verbal n demanding with their wants esp on activities they wanna do outside e house with both parents. My hyper boys r 7 n 8 n r constantly asking my husb to bring them out esp during this sch holiday.. They r happy when my husb r willing to entertain them by playing Nerf or Wii games together even if it's for a short while. Hope u will get thru this issue with ur husb soon for e best of ur kids n urself..
 

susanna_low

New Member
Plan a schedule in advance? Like going for a family picnic..?
I always make a "date" with my hb in advance so he will zz earlier n reserve the day for us.

N also cook for him n ask whether he wan to come back n makan? Make n effort to cook him a soup/buy him small gifts n guys like this kinda of sweet little things. If u treat him nicer, he will treat u even nicer..

N while our family n friends r close to us as well, I will make n effort to know them better too. I don't restrict him from gathering with his colls n ex sch mates but I will make an effort to pop by to say hi while fetching him home,
Sometimes I will stay for a while to mingle,play games with them before going back with him hand in hand.

Likewise it's the same now, the only group of people here r his colleagues n their family when there's company gathering, I will mingle n know them better, We will plan holidays with the other family too. Be included in his activities so that u will have more common topics n interest to talk about too. He will include me in if he need to go out with his pals. If he need someone to swim with him, I will be the one, if he need to run, I will be beside the treadmill n if he wan to drink, I can be his drinking buddy too..Hee..~ be someone in his life that no one can replace! Ahem.. His Friends, pls step aside

Be his best friend, each other best friend! But it helps too coz we r best friends since 12yo..spending our noon n weekend always, late phone chat..n till his army days while as friends, We always go out with his frds, camp mates To ktv, club, makan sessions,.

A couple can grow closer or distant .. While the kids will grow up n hv their own life eventually, it's our spouse who walk down the lane with us..

Oh ya n thrash things out with him, dun leave grudges overnight....
 

xsun

Member
Ajfamily,
I totally understd wat u gg thru.

Me same. Married for 13yrs with 2 kids.

He is so hands off, i feel like a single parent. Basically, he still thinks he is a bachelor and behaves like one. Fyi, my eldest is alrdy 6yo. So to those ppl who tell me gv him time to adjust to parenthood...i roll my eyes.

Wat do i do?
I just tell him in his face to spend more time with his son. Whether he likes it or not. He may ignore me or act blur. At leaast i open my heart to him.

Im recently turn sahm. He works overseas often. I enjoy my time with my kids. I just enage myself with them, do all the thgs i wanna do with them. No pt stay at home to worry abt him.

After kids, comm between couples will sure go dwhill. And frankly, hw many men r those super hands on type? Can leave ur bb with them whole day n not hv to worry?

I just wanna hv my precious memories with my kids.
My hb knows he is very 'lucky' cos i dun nag at him. I tell him im very busy but i still love him alot. Just tat my role has chg..frm lover to mother. And i must be committed to my kids as well since we hv decided to bring them into tis world.

We know hw each other feels. Smtimes, i imagine life without kids. Will we be happy? No. Carefree, yes. But not happy.

Once awhile, i will ask and we will spend family time together. We just did zoo today. It was fun.

Aw, there is not much to do in sin. Quite boring. But gotta make the effort to go out.
 

xsun

Member
Oh, just wanna add..

When i press my hb for reason y his face black..in the end he complains cos i hv no time for him. So maybe ur hb feels the same? He might feel the same way as u do..like talk always end up quarrel, so better dun talk?

If i wanna hv family time, go smwhere special..i will plan, then inform him 1 wk before and keep reminding him so he will be mentally prepared.

On my own, i take turns to bring my kids out. So each of them hv my full attention. To prevent me frm screaming in public like mad woman.

Just try it! Man r like little boys..must cajole abit.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Sun grapes, y not u go for some workout/courses n leave the kids for some time with ur hb?

I'm not sure about the household chores but before marriage, my hb noes tt i m v poor in household chores so he will do all the housework at home.

But for kid, like u say we bring them to the world so we mus be responsible for them, I will monitor my gal's schoolwork..n other than that, he will take care of her while I m do my stuff, going out with friends, workout etc.
 

ajfamily

New Member
Hi Mummies.... Thanks so much for the advice and sharing on yours!

I'm working on it and am trying and still trying..

Sungrapes, like you say... my hb knws too he's 'lucky' i dun nag at him and i let him do what wants. Even his frens knw that and some even envy him bcoz their other half will keep calling and smsing to go hm. But the reason for me is "i give up" which they do not knw. To me, no point nagging and nagging where it doesn't get into him and will even makes thing worse. Thru this I also hope that he will in turn come back early and spend more time with us becoz "i'm so nice" but it just nv happen instead it gets worse at times.
Well I still love him but just diverting my attention to my 2 little monsters. lol
I wish to open up to him too.. but he's a man of less words and sometimes there's no answer to my question. Feel like talking to a wall!! I just dun knw how can I make him talk! haizz
 

joy18

New Member
My hubby and i also do not have much conversations. Every night after making the kids sleep, he does his things and i do mine. The house is very quiet if not for the TV sound.
 

avocado

Active Member
hi mummies,
i share the same prob communicating wf my hb.In fact,we always hv on & off cold wars,can drag 3 to 4mths no communication.
We married for 10yrs.He is a mummy's son.He rather shares thing with his mother than to me.I get irriated.
I find it hard to talk to him.When he back fr. work,he takes times to eat/shower/play wf our son.By the time my son sleeps,he will be watching TV or surfing net.
Well,he only accompanies me when he needs sex.While I feel irritated,& i've thrown all the condoms away.His behaviour makes me puke.
Other than that,we always quarrel coz of his mother & other things.I am a SAHM, somehow,i feel i lost his respect & he is not very helpful in sharing hseworks.
Yes,I feel unappreciated.It's has been so long that I've not received any gift fr him or not even buying any of my favourite food/thing.I feel i've given too much.
Yes,there r times I also feel like going bk to my ex-bf coz he is much beta than him.
I hate to be criticized by my hb.Our conversation just cannot carry on & always end up argument.I can't stand his erratic moodswings.Over wkend,I rather spend my times outside alone than be at home wf him.
My hb is also very petty & sensitive.

To be frank,i ever think of divorce coz being a single mother is more carefree.Having to stay married yet my hb is not willing to share his life(yes,he is a big fat "individualistics" & "egotics" guy).To get him to accept ppl's ideas or advices is difficult.

Do i still love him? No. I care for him as frd.To me,he is a "burden".Sometx,i ask myself,shld I continue to share a life wf this person for another 10yrs?I can't...not even one year.

I do every single things with my son.

I wish i've the courage to put an end to everything...but when i see my little son,i can't bear to do so.
 

junainarosdi

New Member
I do agree with sussana low...we couples need to date each other to keep the flame in our marriage glows at least once a month.In any marriage communication is very important and it takes two hand to clap.
 
AJFamily: I'm facing the exactly the same problem with you. I'm married for 5yrs, with a 2yr old girl.. I've been with my hubby for the past 13yrs.. Since last yr, he has been spending lots of time with his friends and colleagues.. i tried talking to him but he always shows me black face.. how to communicate like this??

i wanted to spend some couple time with him, but he prefers to stay at home with his PC or sleep.. I don't mind him not helping me to take care of my girl but I just need him to be around with us and spend more time with us.. don't think that is very difficult right??

then yesterday he finally broken the heartbreaking news to me.. he asked whether we can file for separation as he don't feel the love anymore since 1.5yrs ago.. somehow I didn't really caught by surprise cos I can really feel it coming.. so I'm trying my best to win his heart back.. think it's really too late.. I'm very very sad and really very heartbroken as all the promises and vows he made didn't came true.. he choose the easy way instead of communicating properly with me..

i'm really at a lost.. i know deep down my heart i still love my hubby.. i want to spend my life with him.. what can I do now?? really feel so depressed and still need to put up a smiley face in office today..
 

lynnang2

New Member
Hi heartbrokebmummyj, sad to hear that you are facing the same problem like mine. Thus, I really fully understand how u feel now. Same here, all the while trying to communication with my husband, wanted to spend more couple time with him or wanted him to try spend more time with us (wife and kids), we hv 3 kids. But he always choose friends, colleagues, ex-schoolmates over us... Then one fine day in late march this year. I found out that he is hvg affair and confronted him....he admitted, claiming that he cannot feel love, tired and not interested to salvage the marriage/this family. He choose the easy way out asking for divorce......w/o second tot on our long 14 yrs marriage (20yrs relationship) and the welfare of our young kids (youngest 3yo). From then till now, coming 3 full mths, he did not want to hv any physical/emotional contact with me and kids. Not even a meal is with us or not even 1 full hour spend with us these few months. Am trying to endure (but not sure how long can i take it) as I am a SAHM for the past 10 over years w/o income, my kids r still young and most important is I totally dun hv any family/alternative support....thus, I am unable to go out to work. Sigh! This week he keep sending me SMS, ask me to seek legal actions by all mean to end our relationship. 是谁说我们woman heart 像海底针, 男人变起心来,六亲不认。
 
sorry lyn, u have been sharing your story over the forum, but your life is in your hands, it's for u to take action and look forward to a better life.

To start with, if he is not giving u maintenance or little maintenance, go to the family court and get the court to make sure he give u enough maintenance.

He is bullying u because he think u don't know what to do with u.
 

lynnang2

New Member
Sorry nikki, if at any point my post hv irritate u... I am sorry. Am prepare to stop posting anymore mainly becoz is the same 'old' issue over and over again.... and in fact now is look like i am giving everyone's the impression that I am the one refuse to hv any changes myself just merely 'complaining and grumbling' .... not true. No one will truly understand my situation unless any of u r in my shoe than u will know it is easy to say than to do. I had told him that I will go to family court to apply for monthly maintenance shd he keep ignore us, but was told by him by all means... he even highlight to me that I shd awared by now he is currently very much in debts and trouble, even said that he is well prepare himself to serve in jail and hv nothing for me and kids....include the house shd I go ahead with my own plan. I try to find CC to put my youngest in and both the elder kids in student care, to no valid for months even with the help FSC. Am facing mountain of problems from all directions, 1) if my youngest not in any CC, I not able to go to work even for PT, 2) even if he is in CC, I definitely need to find a job that end 6pm or 6:30pm(if nearby) and be able to pick him up before 7pm sharp to avoid late pickup charges. 3) even if he is in CC, I still hv to worry for the 2 primary school going kids after their back from school in the afternoon, their meal, their schoolwork etc..if I not successful to find any student care for them. 4) and even if I manage to find one suitable SC for them, I also must make sure that the pick up time for both CC and SC do not crash and best is both somewhere nearby each other. 5) I also hv to worry abt the COST involve for both CC and SC. CC per month easy come up $500and likewise for SC, and is for two. 6) hard to find a job that can justify for all the costs (not to mention PT job) Btw, if I will to file a maintenance order right now, am afraid that provoke him and chase all of us out of the house immediately... And in the meant time, there is no other shelter (not even my own mum) for me and all my kids, that is why I am still hanging here. Anyway, all these are my own problems and are for me to find a better way to solve them eventually. Thanks anyway to all the kind mummies in this forum who have gave me all advices and emotionally support for these few months. Thank you.
 
lyn, from i what know if u successfully can claim maintenance from him, your kids and your maintenance will come first before his debts.

Also regarding going to jail, do u think he can give up his freedom?

Unless he resign if not he still need to pay maintenance.

your address is there, he can't chase u out, if he use violent, call the police.

I think he is just trying to frighten u into submission and if u still not take action, your kids and your life will never change.

Just for your info. I have through what u being thru, and my husband even wan to bring the other women home.

He force me to take action, and went i went to the maintenance court, he didn't dare dispute and all his threat disappeared.
 
Lynnang2,

I feel very sorry for what you are going through. Be strong and you will get past this ordeal and emerge stronger for yourself and your kids. Just a suggestion, you want to consider going to the meet the people's session in your ward? List down your issues and find a time to get minister in charge of your area to see if they can help? All the best to you and I agree with Nikki, show to your hubby that you are capable of getting your rightful legal claims. Jiayou.
 
hi lynnang,

Thanks for sharing your story. You have all the legal rights to ask for maintenance from him, claim for the house too.

I think you really need to look for a job, not only for your kids but for yourself too. There are many organisation out there that you can look for, especially near the place you stay. Like what others said, go look for your MP, they will help you one..

Most imptly, don't give up. Jia you!!

As for my own problem, I've thought it over after crying for so many days and he disappeared for 4 days.. Yes, I may still love my hubby and don't want to give up on this marriage but i don't think i can hang on there when one party is unwillingly to do so.. it always takes 2 to clap.. I respect his decision.. and I did that becos for myself and my girl.. I know I will be a stronger person and do all my best to support my girl..
 

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