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How do you and your partner handle finances?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by gooseberry, Sep 2, 2019.

  1. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Hi all, can I know how you and your significant other or partner handle finances? Do u think that it is unreasonable if I expect the guy to pick up the tab all the time such as paying for my vacation and my shopping expenses if he can well afford to do so compared to me? As a woman, I’ll feel appreciated and loved that a guy pays for me to show his vested interest in me.

  2. Mongkok

    Mongkok Active Member

    I would guess he is your bf, not hubby.

    chicken and egg story here.

    yes, it would be preferred (from a lady's/her mother's/ her GFs' pov) for a guy to foot all. but if he dries up, you dry up too. unless you intend to dump him afterward.

    a guy will eventually pay most (like what you have seen from 'other' relationship). but you may wish to know what makes that guy do it.

    the length/depth of the relationship plays a part. it has to (at least) convince the guy that his love on his partner grows so much that he felt a great encouragement to see her overall a happy person. relieving her financial burden will be a way for him to express his love. but it is always in the known that she will reciprocate unquestionably if he needs this support in return down the road. not thru demand.

    "paying for my vacation and my shopping expenses.."
    'my vacation'- hopes it's w him
    'my shopping expenses' - hope the items you bought are for him (too)...

    does he owe u for being rich? if yes, pls demand more. if no, instead of counting your blessing (knowing him), you count his $$$.

    rich people are very sensitive w their $$$. your post shows disagreement w his limited contribution/sacrifice. unless you are a saint to start w, I think you have ruffled his fur.

    if you regard the relationship like a relationship w future, not an investment/cash cow, it is positive if you share some of the bills. this will show him you are a virtue person. Even an investable blue-chip gives great returns. (note: you need to buy the blue-chip to be eligible for good dividends)

    ps. if you notice, guys are willing to spend more time/$$ on partner w good virtue.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2019
  3. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    In my opinion, if your bf is willing 2 spend $ on u, it does shows dat he is into u... willing 2 part his $ 4 u....

    On d other hand, when he isnt willing, n u r one dat cannot accept, den u better b prepared. If he isnt willing while u 2 r not married, it's quite unlikely dat he will change when both of u r married.

    As 2 whether a man shld b taking up d tabs all d time... well... in a healthy relationship, it's gd 2 take turns... or share... N if he is capable n insistent, y not? However, he may not take it well if u r d one who insist dat he pays all d time... when he isnt a willing paying party...
  4. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Thanx for yr replies, Mongkok and Tiggerpooh.

    Mongkok, I see your line of thot that a relationship is a partnership that entails both to contribute.

    Tiggerpooh, I do agree with u that the willingness of a guy spending on his partner shows the extent of love he has for her. As the adage goes, u invest where your heart is.

    While I dun insist my bf to take me out on expensive dinners and events all the time, I think occasional treats is a grand gesture that quantify the extent of love he proclaims to hv for me. While he kindly offers to pay for my vacation expenses, it unsettles me when he points out that I pay for my own shopping expenses there. I hv nv exploited him to spend extravagantly on me or expect him to dole out insane amounts on my shopping. However, I will get a better vibe if he suggests he can subsidize some of my shopping.
  5. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    He may have just made dat as a passing remark...

    DH sometimes does dat too... but when he saw d struggle i have having 2 decide whether 2 buy or not, he wld offer 2 buy 4 me.

    Of cos he wld always tell me dat he isnt going 2 buy me any, but... in d end, he wld still buy me... however, it wld b my turn 2 feel guilty n not wanna buy anymore...

    I think your BF is quite generous enough 2 pay 4 your vacation, which can b quite costly... Try putting yourself in his shoes...
  6. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Tiggerpooh: lucky u, u got a doting hubby who certainly loves to to wanna pamper u. U r considerate too n certainly deserving of his love.
  7. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Relationship is all about give n take... Sometimes, when u expect lesser, u will gain more...
    gooseberry likes this.
  8. KelGen

    KelGen New Member

    Well, for myself and soon to be ex hubby, most of the expenses is paid by him.
    While household stuff, we split.
    When go overseas, I pay for my own tix, while he will pay for hotels.
    During the trip, if we taking any transport, mostly he will pay for it, while sometimes I pay for it
    For meals, the same as well. Sometimes he pay, sometimes I pay.

    For TS,
    I feel that you both are still in a relationship, and not married couple. I feel no wrong that your bf don't pay for your travelling expenses such as air tix, not to mention shopping expenses. Even married couple, I will say that perhaps 80% won't pay for their wife shopping expenses. Maybe some ok to pay for air tix but not always (I felt that)
    Unless he's so petty that everything also split bill (while I know some couples does that), then perhaps you should consider this rs
  9. purplerain.7077

    purplerain.7077 New Member

    if you are seriously considering him to be your future husband you need to stop this mentality right away!

    If you expect him to spend much of his earnings away to fund your vacations and shopping, you are not being considerate. How is he going to save up for marriage? He also needs to start saving up for retirement. Maybe he needs the money to support his parents in the future. In other words he may want to save up for more important things in life that’s why he’s unwilling to pay for your all your expenses.. Have you talked to him about this?

    I believe investment is not just about money. Also about time and effort. Is he willing to cook your favourite dish? Does he give you a massage when you are tired? Is he willing to run errands for you?

    Lastly, we women must be capable enough of supporting ourselves! Boyfriend not willing to pay? Rather than feel disappointed isn’t it more empowering if you can say no worries because I can well afford it myself.
  10. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Thanx for yr perspectives, KelGen & Purplerain.

    KelGen: I see that yours is a partnership in which both contribute equally. Does the income gap has any part to play in determining who pays what? Do both of you discuss the financial contribution prior to marriage?

    Purplerain: I dun expect to be wined and dined and we usually cook meals together. Aside frm acts of service, I view gifting a gesture to show his willingness to invest in me as there r no marriage vows to speak of as yet.
  11. KelGen

    KelGen New Member

    Not really equally. He does earned more than me. As dating couple, I don't expect him to pay for all my expenses, especially air tix or what, as it may cost a lot.
    During dating time, have to say most of the times he pay for the meal (It may not be expensive dining). Of course sometimes I do pay as well. And like if go foodcourt, he buy/pay his own, while I buy/pay my own. Something like that.
    Then like go movies, he buy tix, I pay for the drinks/popcorn. Sometimes if I booked online, I will pay for movies tix + popcorn and vice versa when he booked online.
    It goes on as routine, and even marriage, we still continue this way. But of course we got discussed before on household stuff etc
  12. NatalieTan84

    NatalieTan84 New Member

    My boyfriend turned husband have an agreement that we will just pay for our own share whether it comes to groceries where we will pay 2 weeks each and split half when it comes to paying when eating out.

    I believe in owning my own dough and paying for my own share.
  13. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Kelgen: It is good that both of you have the same mentality and views when it comes to financial contribution to run the household. I learnt from several of you here that both chip in financially in equal amounts and take turns when it comes to paying bills.

    Natalie: Discussing how to pay bills at the start of marriage is key to ease out the knots for finances talk can be a sensitive topic for couples.
  14. NatalieTan84

    NatalieTan84 New Member

    I told my hubby that we have to talk about it cos we will have to face it sooner or later.He also agreed with what I said fortunately.

    I would think it depends on the characters of different people in the relationship.
  15. atthexroad

    atthexroad New Member

    Hi Gooseberry,

    You probably got the advises from the other ppl. And I agree with them as well. There must always be a give and take. Unless your bf is Super rich, to expect him to pay for your air tix and shopping is a little over board.

    And I think it’s ok that he said upfront that he pays for your air tix and shopping you pay yourself. After all, it’s your own things.

    Anyway, sorry to thread on this topic. I’m facing similar issues and would like to seek opinion.

    1) My bf is super rich and retired so not working
    2) Throughout our dating period, he has never brought me once to fine dining. Even my birthday was at a random bistro.
    3) Meals are always hawker or food court. Most of the time he pays
    4) Because of Pt 3, he will ask me to bring him for nice meal. So as a gesture of reciprocal, I would bring him to fine dining once a month

    Over the course of time, I feel like what others said above, I don’t think he loves me as much since he doesn’t really put effort (maybe rich ppl extremely stingy?)

    I completely understand a relationship must give and take but in terms of monetary status, is it wrong for me to expect that he gives a little more? Rather than expect me to share equally?

    I have never expected extravagant dinners or ask for gifts but he is the one constantly asking “Where you bringing me for nice dinner?”, “What are you going to buy for my birthday?”
    Even when we go holidays, we go dutch.

    Somehow I feel like he is the princess in the relationship. Am I wrong to think this way?
  16. JL8118

    JL8118 Active Member

    Your bf sounds like my ex bf.. He too is super rich (but he's not retired at that point of time). A rich businessman, running his own company, have few cars, stay in bungalow..
    Throughout the 2 years of dating, we ONLY went for hawker/food court for meals. Only during my birthday, he will then bring me to some bistro cafe, or what for a meal and maybe a staycation as well. On his birthday otherwise, I still treat him to fine dining and staycation too.... Even on our anniversary, its me who did the arrangement, and even pay for the meals, staycation... When we go on trip, we goes on dutch. Even for the hotel (during trip), still on dutch basis.. Can you imagine when we go for movies, am the one booking/paying for the tickets and combos we had. The reason he gave is, he does not know how to use the system....
    After 2yrs of dating, I finally couldn't stand it, as out of the 2yrs, be it during my birthday or anniversary, I never received a gift he bought on his own, nor a stalk of flower!! The gift he gave me is something he doesn't want, or gift from others whom he didn't use.. And he still have the cheek to tell me, don't waste the gift...
    Maybe you are right, rich man are stingy.. That's why they are rich, while we are poor...
    I guess love is blind in a relationship. But seeing your case, and thinking of mine, I felt you should not waste your time, and move on to another... I believe you will find someone much more better...
  17. atthexroad

    atthexroad New Member

    Oh wow. Your description sounds so much like my bf! Yes! He also gave me same reason for booking movie tickets. Said he don’t know how to book. So I’ll always get the tickets and he’ll get dinner. Mine will still give me gifts but practical ones instead of romantic.
    Which is why I’m really confused. It’s not like he doesn’t give but just very very stingy and always have such “requests” for me to treat him.
    Maybe at their level, they are so used to ppl treating them to get into good books?
    I find it so hard to broach this topic to him. I honestly don’t mind living a simple life and eat simple but just don’t ask me to bring you fine dining when you don’t even bring me?
  18. JL8118

    JL8118 Active Member

    Precisely! This is the part I hate about them! This is exactly the same as mine...
    You know there's once I had arranged with my gfs for a trip to bkk together. It's a yearly trip we had and he too knew about it as well. Can you imagine he told me to get him a business class air tix? So he can 'accompany' me to go together. Like the hell I in need of him to company me!
  19. KelGen

    KelGen New Member


    To be honest, if am you, I think have already broke up with this bf... Its really too much.
    Well, in a relationship, money shouldn't be of an issue between both. But it's like only one side is giving in, while the other is not. It takes two hands to clap in a relationship. Moreover, not say he's one whom is poor. But is rich somemore! He's too stingy.
  20. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Atthexroad: I think the rich are wary of others taking advantage of them and might want to test if the gal he hangs out with is genuine and to weed out gold-digger. Whether he is willing to spend on you also depends on the length of the relationship. If it is only a few months long, we cannot expect the guy to invest in us much. You mention that he is a retiree. Can it be that he is financially insecured?

    I think eating at hawker centres or good courts are fine as some people prefer the local fare and do not want to waste money on dining at expensive places. However, I am concerned why he would badger you to take him restaurants. He is not being considerate about your finances, unless he knows you are financially sound.
  21. atthexroad

    atthexroad New Member

    Hi gooseberry

    He is retired but is a multi-millionaire so I don’t think he is financially insecure.

    Like I said I really don’t mind eating local fare cause to me as a couple, it’s more important to care for each other. And yes I’m quite financially sound but of course nowhere close to his status. There are times when I do well in my job, he will ask for “celebration”, at my cost.

    I feel like he is always constantly trying to 贪小便宜” cause meals I still can afford it but my point as a woman, why should I when he doesn’t do the same?

    I’m just very confused. He did give me a couple of gifts, not expensive but I always appreciate. I’m not a fan of quarrels so most of the time I just keep quiet and he thinks we get along fine. So I don’t really know how to broach this topic which has been annoying me
  22. KelGen

    KelGen New Member

    Well, I think if he's one that give and take, then that's fine.
    Like this time you pay, next time he pay (for ex meal)
    Or at the minimum, he doesn't request/ask you to buy him ex meal.
    In this case, seriously I do agree with JL8118. It's better for you to move on, and find another, rather than to hold on to this r/s
  23. NatalieTan84

    NatalieTan84 New Member

    I also agree...this kind of man is not worth your time and effort.
  24. gooseberry

    gooseberry Member

    Atthexroad: I think there are traits you admire in him for you to continue this relationship. I know this matter bothers you. Why don’t you gently broach the topic with him or drop hints when opportunities arise? It is also good that he knows your expectations so that he can be a more pleasant bf in this aspect.

    In my case, he offered to pay for our ski vacation but pointed out that I had to pay for my own shopping which unsettled me. I took the chance to tease him into giving me shopping money for the trip when he said he doted on me. Afterwhich, he said he would set aside 5k, and if not enough, we would play by ear. He became distant afterwards for the next few days as he said he felt disturbed. After letting him think through, he did not want to broach the topic of why he felt disturbed for he felt it was all about him and I did nothing wrong. So I presume my direct request for shopping money unsettled him. But he has since come to terms with it.

    I think the guy might not think like us or know exactly what to do or be reluctant to spend money on us. It might be good if you can be direct to broach this, instead of dumping your bf who is a good man in other aspects.
    MaidenIsabella likes this.
  25. KelGen

    KelGen New Member

    Well, for myself, for shopping expenses, I will never expected to get it from my partner. If he's willing to give me some allowance for shopping, I appreciated it. If he doesn't, it's fine as well. I think not very nice, to request shopping expenses from partner, more even he's just your bf. Just my thoughts :)
  26. atthexroad

    atthexroad New Member

    Thanks everyone for your inputs. :)

    Your bf is very nice to you already. Still set aside 5k for expenses. Hope you guys have a wonderful and enjoyable trip!

    I have never expect my partner to support me. I’m more than happy to contribute. What irks me is the fact that he never puts in effort, even on my birthday, he didn’t even plan where to go - it was just random walk around and settle one place whereas his birthday he ask me where to bring him and I planned a nice restaurant and even got them to make a cake.
    Even dating anniversary, he said we should go for celebratory lunch but when come that day we meet, we ate at food court!
    I keep telling myself not to have expectations hence won’t have disappointment. But am I setting the bar so Low? What if it gets worse when we’re married?
  27. KelGen

    KelGen New Member

    I can feel you. Well, sometimes it's not we girls are materialistic. But I felt that if you want me to buy you expensive meal, then you should as well. Moreover I felt buying expensive meal is out of willingness, rather than asking/requesting.
    Which is why I felt he's too stingy. Like you said, what if long term wise?
  28. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    If u r not comfortable about it... it's better 2 discuss it wif your partner about your concerns or issues dat r upsetting u.

    Dont expect or believe in huge changes... discuss so dat u can manage your own expectation before or after marriage.
  29. Drain

    Drain Member

    Well, as a guy, I felt that if I'm dating with this girl (as bgf), of course when we went out for meals, I will pay for it. Unless if she insists on paying, or perhaps she wants to buy me a meal or what, I appreciate as well. For trips wise, unless I have the 'additional cash', otherwise I think its fine for us to pay our own share on the air tix (especially). Hotels wise of course I don't mind paying, and maybe transport expenses/meals during the trip. But shopping wise, I think still basically she have to pay her own.

    If planning to get married, I think its good to talk about such before marriage. Maybe like what the others did, to contribute into a joint account, and used it for payment of utilities etc. Like for myself and my ex wife, we have a joint account in which monthly we chip in some cash (Since I earn more, hence I contribute more, maybe like 70-30 or 60-40?) We used this particular account for air tix (if travelling, but hotel expenses still comes out from my own pocket money), households bills etc. But well, even when we went shopping for grocery, I do pay from my own pocket money as well, despite we said to use the joint account.

    I felt your bf is really trying to take advantage of you. You really need to consider carefully, especially in the long term run. But base on what you describe, to be honest, I think few years down the road, he'll still be acting this way.

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