Going crazy abt MIL issues

[Baeksang]

My mother in law is simply too clingy to my husband who is the only son...

Today while wishing us cny greetings, she told him "there is only one mother but wife you can have many"

I just couldn't go on and left the cny gathering at her place.. she probably blames me for the miscarriage i had..

Wondering what to do.. i really love my husband very much... but i also know its up to him to choose..

 

[Dr. Tooth]

A mother's love towards her son is eternal!

On a sidetrack, some mothers are evil by nature. Cursing, swearing, hurting is part of themselves. And that will easily lead to others perceiving it as personal attacks be it intentionally or not-intentionally.

On top of loving your husband, you need to have faith. He chooses to marry you and you being his wife now is a fact. Best wishes to you and family!

 

[triple70]

Its not "some" MIL are evil in nature, i wld say most are. Wierd thing abt women is ... as they age, reasonableness depreciates.

Thus, expect it, and prepare for it. Stay strong and dont ever let evil dictate your life.

Happiness is precious and highly under valued. Live your life based on a happy culture. Everyone around u can feel the difference and only then can u be the best companion and be appreciated.

 

[Marvelous]

My mother in law is simply too clingy to my husband who is the only son...

Today while wishing us cny greetings, she told him "there is only one mother but wife you can have many"

I just couldn't go on and left the cny gathering at her place.. she probably blames me for the miscarriage i had..

Wondering what to do.. i really love my husband very much... but i also know its up to him to choose..

Its a terrible thing for your mil to say during cny. But what more inportant is how your husband response to it and what is your hubby stand?

Mil can say plenty of horrible things but as long as husband is on your side and does not agree with his mother blindly then there is nothing for you to worry.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Forum mobile app

 

[Baeksang]

Thank you for your advice all..

My husband is behind me 100%. For the ill wishes she gave me on cny he scolded her and told her that he is not going to other relative houses on day 2 and day 3 with her. Then she is now threatening to harm herself.

But this mil of mine is really unreasonable. Like tea ceremony, my parents live overseas and could not come in time due to some issues. So i said to be fair i would only serve her, her husband and my sister in law and her husband. My husband agreed. But she tells my husband to this day that my father in law passed away earlier than expected because i didnt serve tea to everyone else in the family.

I had a miscarriage and she tells me that i didnt take care of myself and must have eaten something bad or cursed my child (???)

 

[Marvelous]

Thank you for your advice all..

My husband is behind me 100%. For the ill wishes she gave me on cny he scolded her and told her that he is not going to other relative houses on day 2 and day 3 with her. Then she is now threatening to harm herself.

But this mil of mine is really unreasonable. Like tea ceremony, my parents live overseas and could not come in time due to some issues. So i said to be fair i would only serve her, her husband and my sister in law and her husband. My husband agreed. But she tells my husband to this day that my father in law passed away earlier than expected because i didnt serve tea to everyone else in the family.

I had a miscarriage and she tells me that i didnt take care of myself and must have eaten something bad or cursed my child (???)

When she said those words to you, is your husband presence?
If your husband is presence and already tell his own mother off then just take what your mil said as pinch of salt and dun let it affect you.
What matter is how your husband response to his own mother when she said those awful words. Once your mil know that your husband does not agree with her, eventually she will stop.

 

[triple70]

When it comes to money issue, helping such ppl financially will not garner any goodwill, they will tell u.. ying gai de. Thus.. really no value in being generous to such ppl

 

[Baeksang]

When she said those words to you, is your husband presence?
If your husband is presence and already tell his own mother off then just take what your mil said as pinch of salt and dun let it affect you.
What matter is how your husband response to his own mother when she said those awful words. Once your mil know that your husband does not agree with her, eventually she will stop.

Yes husband is prsent.. takes my side. But... she still does not think she is wrong

 

[Baeksang]

Ya! You are spot on! They are saying that since I (will be) part of the family so I should help. What kind of entitlement is this? I rather use the money and treat my own parents to a good luxurious holiday than pay for their medicine.

Ridiculous

Yes... exactly
Cos they see it as.. you married into their family.. i dont agree with this thinking cos does it mean we have abandoned our own blood parents?

Just hate being in her company now. Someone told me that the best "revenge" is to give her a grandchild since she has said i am not good enuff for her son... (same like 4sgmotherhood - dh is also only son..)

 

[triple70]

Just thinking out aloud.. not implying anything..

A person upbringing is influenced a lot by the mentality of the parents. Especially abt the roles of husband and wife. It is wise to discuss fully with the other half.. wad is family life.. is wife boss, equal or wife is slave?

 

[Dr. Tooth]

Just thinking out aloud.. not implying anything..

A person upbringing is influenced a lot by the mentality of the parents. Especially abt the roles of husband and wife. It is wise to discuss fully with the other half.. wad is family life.. is wife boss, equal or wife is slave?

My mum, a traditional woman is a boss as she calls the shot yet a slave because she has been preaching her duties is also to serve her children well and hopefully they can serve themselves and others well next time.

There was this one day, I ignored her requests to leave the dirty dishes untouched. While washing them with her watching from a distance away, she took slow steps towards me, giggling and giggling, pulled the trigger and had a shot on my head before banning me from the kitchen sink (she claimed I was wasting too much water with just a few pieces of plates).

What is my role as a husband in time to come?

 

[shiningstars]

Thank you for your advice all..

My husband is behind me 100%. For the ill wishes she gave me on cny he scolded her and told her that he is not going to other relative houses on day 2 and day 3 with her. Then she is now threatening to harm herself.

But this mil of mine is really unreasonable. Like tea ceremony, my parents live overseas and could not come in time due to some issues. So i said to be fair i would only serve her, her husband and my sister in law and her husband. My husband agreed. But she tells my husband to this day that my father in law passed away earlier than expected because i didnt serve tea to everyone else in the family.

I had a miscarriage and she tells me that i didnt take care of myself and must have eaten something bad or cursed my child (???)

In laws problems are never ending. We just need to learn how to avoid them if possible and minimise interaction. I had a miscarriage last year and my in laws only came to visit me 2 weeks later, just a day before my bil’s wedding. Prior to that there was no calls, no msg. Nothing. When she came over to my house, she asked me if it is because i was too weak or i wasnt careful. That hurts me alot.

And then she went on and on abt my bil’s wedding the next day and still expecting me to show up early to help out etc. I was still spotting after the d&c. I felt that she behaved in this wAy cos my bil’s wedding was a shotgun. Hence she didnt care less abt my loss since she is gg to be a grandma soon anyway. She only brought me bottled bird nest which expiry is just 3 mths away. Prob grab and go from their house.

They were very insensitive towards me. No words of thanks for the help i rendered during the wedding. My bil even texted my hubbs after my mc to ask him if he got help to count baby’s name. They sent baby fair info to the family grp chats. When we dine out, my sil kept fussing over the stupid cheese that she cant eat. And they made comments when they see babies at the other tables saying how nx time they wont have peace. And my fil added that next year we have one more headcount in the family. All these happened after their wedding which is just 2 weeks after my mc.

I was super duper upset. And from then on i distant myself from them. Since they dont care about me why do i need to care abt them? I didnt visit my sil when she pops. I didnt turn up for the baby shower. I didnt do any cny visiting because the sight of her baby reminds me of how my in laws treated me. I know eventually i need to get over this. But for now i just want to heal myself.

So i feel that if u can distant yourself from your in laws. That might help?

 

[Baeksang]

In laws problems are never ending. We just need to learn how to avoid them if possible and minimise interaction. I had a miscarriage last year and my in laws only came to visit me 2 weeks later, just a day before my bil’s wedding. Prior to that there was no calls, no msg. Nothing. When she came over to my house, she asked me if it is because i was too weak or i wasnt careful. That hurts me alot.

And then she went on and on abt my bil’s wedding the next day and still expecting me to show up early to help out etc. I was still spotting after the d&c. I felt that she behaved in this wAy cos my bil’s wedding was a shotgun. Hence she didnt care less abt my loss since she is gg to be a grandma soon anyway. She only brought me bottled bird nest which expiry is just 3 mths away. Prob grab and go from their house.

They were very insensitive towards me. No words of thanks for the help i rendered during the wedding. My bil even texted my hubbs after my mc to ask him if he got help to count baby’s name. They sent baby fair info to the family grp chats. When we dine out, my sil kept fussing over the stupid cheese that she cant eat. And they made comments when they see babies at the other tables saying how nx time they wont have peace. And my fil added that next year we have one more headcount in the family. All these happened after their wedding which is just 2 weeks after my mc.

I was super duper upset. And from then on i distant myself from them. Since they dont care about me why do i need to care abt them? I didnt visit my sil when she pops. I didnt turn up for the baby shower. I didnt do any cny visiting because the sight of her baby reminds me of how my in laws treated me. I know eventually i need to get over this. But for now i just want to heal myself.

So i feel that if u can distant yourself from your in laws. That might help?

Thanks much for your view. My husband wants us to be together when we visit etc and i feel that is the problem also. I want to distance myself and i have - but that mil of mine goes and complains to my husband as to why i am unhappy to see her and is it i dont like her. How to like her when she says things like is it i didnt take care of myself when i had an miscarriage, or is it my parents did not teach me properly?

I really wish that i can make my husband understand that i want to distance myself because of her words and actions... i think he thinks i have healed but since my miscarriage was only in nov, outwardly im ok but inside i still cant bear to see babies. One of my husbands cousins popped and i also dont want to go and see. But she is very insistent i shld have gone to see the baby during cny. Then what abt my feelings and my lost child? Is it fair to me that she blames me for the miscarriage and then expect me to plaster a smile on my face?

 

[shiningstars]

Thanks much for your view. My husband wants us to be together when we visit etc and i feel that is the problem also. I want to distance myself and i have - but that mil of mine goes and complains to my husband as to why i am unhappy to see her and is it i dont like her. How to like her when she says things like is it i didnt take care of myself when i had an miscarriage, or is it my parents did not teach me properly?

I really wish that i can make my husband understand that i want to distance myself because of her words and actions... i think he thinks i have healed but since my miscarriage was only in nov, outwardly im ok but inside i still cant bear to see babies. One of my husbands cousins popped and i also dont want to go and see. But she is very insistent i shld have gone to see the baby during cny. Then what abt my feelings and my lost child? Is it fair to me that she blames me for the miscarriage and then expect me to plaster a smile on my face?

I feel you dear. Did the in laws issue surface after the mc? Cos for me i kinda feel that it was the mc and then with my sil’s popping, it makes this in laws issue worse. I already feel that she was bias towards me. My sil is more of the simple girl no branded and stuff whereas i am more financially capable and i am a shopholic aka gold digger in my mil’s eyes.

I think you need to let your husband know exactly what you are uncomfy with. Of cos it is nicer to visit them tgt. But if it makes u feel crappy why bother? Thankfully for this my hubbs respect my decision and go visit his parents alone. I duno what he tells them i dont bother asking as well. But i know for sure they wont be happy about it.

I really duno how long i can avoid though. But becos their bb is only 2 mths apart from my angel, i really cant bear to do it. My mc happened in apr last year and i still havent recover fully yet. Let alone you when it just happened in nov. u need to take time to heAl. I avoid all preggies all babies for a period of time. Guys generally recover faster. It is the same for my hubbs. Cos the baby is in us not them. And i reckon it is ur first pregnancy. Which makes it even harder. Cos we never know what is the real reason.

I feel that the whole prob is because our in laws treat us like shit when the mc happens. It is sth sooooo close to our heart. It is sth we can never forget. Hence that is why it makes visiting them hard. And for me my bil and sil stays with them. Babies stuff everywhere. Baby photos on the wall. Which is why i have never step into their hse or see the baby even though she popped in sept last year.

 

[shiningstars]

I will do whatever that makes me feel better - treat myself better. I dont care if their feelings get hurt cause i dont visit (they obviously don't give a sh*t about yours anyway, so why should you care)?

Do whatever you need to heal yourself, and go places which makes you feel happy. You are living your own life, not a life of someone else's DIL/wife/mother etc.

That's how i justify not heading to future DH house for CNY this yr. Got scolded but why should i be bothered if they dont even genuinely care for you? So fake.

I totally agree. Cos if they dont care why should we care. It is not my prob on how they are gg to reply to relatives when they ask how come we are not doing any visiting. My fil still got the cheek to ask my hubbs why we never turn up for the bb shower. Like seriously?! Stupid or what? Isnt it obvious? I lost my baby, how do they expect me to pretend nth has happened? I know they sure hate me to the core esp now that they know it is because i cannot bear to see the baby. They must be thinking why i cannot let go. I did and i have. I am ok with preggies and babies. But it is purely because of their lack of concern and insensitivity that makes me dislike the baby my bil and my sil.

 

[lovely0315]

The best “revenge” is to live better than everyone of them!

Jiayou!!!!!