Emotional betrayal

J

Joonmat

New Member
Hi , want to get some of your thoughts here.
All along I’m aware my hubby has been in contact with an ex fling - lasted for a few months which happened before we got together and she is now based overseas. They have been chatting on and off (once a few months) on fb messenger on general matters however recently after I’ve delivered a bb, I realized hubby chatted with her on how those past sex encounters with her still excites him till too, thanking her jokingly on those experiences etc..

Few things on my mind:
1) I’m pretty sure this is an emotional betrayal isn’t it ? Even though it’s like reminiscing the past

2) I feel like confronting hubby but I don’t know how to raise it up? Should I just say I happen to read those text

3) in my heart I’m hoping he would just stop so I don’t have to confront him as I feel once I do that, it will leave a mark on our relationship . Also given we have a newborn now, I’m kind of exhausted to enter into a confrontation- perhaps I should wait and see how their text exchanges progresses?

Thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.
 


Hi
Joonmat said:
Hi , want to get some of your thoughts here.
All along I’m aware my hubby has been in contact with an ex fling - lasted for a few months which happened before we got together and she is now based overseas. They have been chatting on and off (once a few months) on fb messenger on general matters however recently after I’ve delivered a bb, I realized hubby chatted with her on how those past sex encounters with her still excites him till too, thanking her jokingly on those experiences etc..

Few things on my mind:
1) I’m pretty sure this is an emotional betrayal isn’t it ? Even though it’s like reminiscing the past

2) I feel like confronting hubby but I don’t know how to raise it up? Should I just say I happen to read those text

3) in my heart I’m hoping he would just stop so I don’t have to confront him as I feel once I do that, it will leave a mark on our relationship . Also given we have a newborn now, I’m kind of exhausted to enter into a confrontation- perhaps I should wait and see how their text exchanges progresses?

Thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.
Click to expand...
in the marriage, is always advisable to be honest and truthful with each other. If this is affecting you badly and just started a family in my honest opinion, is better to have a hth talk with him before things get out of hand. To beginning, is there a need for him to be in touch w the ex and why is he still reminiscing the past?
Congrats to ur new born
 
Joonmat said:
Hi , want to get some of your thoughts here.
All along I’m aware my hubby has been in contact with an ex fling - lasted for a few months which happened before we got together and she is now based overseas. They have been chatting on and off (once a few months) on fb messenger on general matters however recently after I’ve delivered a bb, I realized hubby chatted with her on how those past sex encounters with her still excites him till too, thanking her jokingly on those experiences etc..

Few things on my mind:
1) I’m pretty sure this is an emotional betrayal isn’t it ? Even though it’s like reminiscing the past

2) I feel like confronting hubby but I don’t know how to raise it up? Should I just say I happen to read those text

3) in my heart I’m hoping he would just stop so I don’t have to confront him as I feel once I do that, it will leave a mark on our relationship . Also given we have a newborn now, I’m kind of exhausted to enter into a confrontation- perhaps I should wait and see how their text exchanges progresses?

Thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.
Click to expand...
Congrats firstly on your newborn BB.

I will advise you to have a HTH talk with him and if you ask me,I think his heart is not in the marriage anymore.

No self respecting or responsible family man will display this kind of behaviour.There is no excuse for this kind of behaviour for the spouse who is having a hard time now.
 
i agreed with Stansy and Nat..
No reason for him to be contacting ex...is past..worse.. talking abt SxX?..
He has more important things to do.if the messages are about stress of work and home(new born)..can understand.. but SXX? Common lah...

check on his behaviour and time will tell.

With the newborn...both of u will be busy and highly stressed out. Be steady and cool.
 
For the life of me,I have not fully understood why maybe 6-7 out of 10 men are still not satisfied with the basic things in life like a loving family,a decent job and probably luxuries like cars and holidays.

What do these men really want?Probably some CCAs outside to add to excitement.

Does he care or see the hard times you been through in the process of carrying the baby?If he really cared one bit and thought of his family,he would not even have thought of the stuff that he did with the slut.
 
Hello Joonmat, props to you for keeping your cool, especially after just giving birth. It takes a lot of strength to do so.

After reading what you have shared, I have a few questions:

you mentioned that you knew all along that your husband has been in contact with an ex- was this something he openly declared to you, or did you chance upon his messages? I’m guessing that you chanced upon their correspondence. Depending on the current dynamic of your relationship with husband, confronting him head-on may backfire, especially if he is the sort that does not take well to confrontations. A well-adjusted man will be able to discuss things with you in an adult manner. However, if he is not, he may withdraw/turn passive, or even use it to turn against you (eg. why are you snooping on my private messages?)

I am in agreement with what all the other ladies have shared here - with a newborn, he shouldn’t be even entertaining the thought of chatting with an ex. Reminiscing is human nature, but he did not have to act on it and establish contact with her. Which brings me to my next point - did she initiate contact, or did he initiate contact?

There could be many reasons underlying his actions, such as a need to escape from reality (perhaps he is having difficulty adjusting to life changes - such as having a newborn). It may not be that he misses her or misses having sex with her - it may be that he simply misses the sex. It is natural for sexual activity to decline upon pregnancy/having a newborn, but it may be just that - he misses having sex.

Having a newborn is one of a major stressors and changes in life. It may not be wise to initiate a confrontation right now, unless he is the sort that is willing to talk things out openly. As you are his wife, you definitely have the right to express your discomfort at him having any contact with his ex(es). Some men shut off at the first sign of confrontation, while I am not siding with him, you may want to consider approaching the issue conservatively at first. Monitor his behaviour. Also, is he helping out with taking care of the baby? Let him know what you would like him to help out with, and see his response. If he is prioritising texting with the women more than attending to you or baby’s needs, then maybe this can be a starting point to initiate discussions.

I would think it wouldn’t hurt to monitor the situation a while longer to get objective cues on his behaviour, at least, by then, you can use these as your basis of confrontation.

I don’t think there is a clear definition of what emotional betrayal entails - everyone has different thresholds. But importantly, if YOU feel it is a betrayal, then it IS a betrayal. And this needs to be communicated to him as well. As your husband, even if he disagrees or feel that it’s just harmless chats, he owes it to you to respect your boundaries.

Do take care, and I hope you stay strong Joonmat.
 
okay..i am speaking for a male point of view - the idea about emotional cheating most likely is a phrase and as long as he does not physically stray, you have nothing to worry about.
 
Lostdad said:
okay..i am speaking for a male point of view - the idea about emotional cheating most likely is a phrase and as long as he does not physically stray, you have nothing to worry about.
Click to expand...

Sorry I don’t agree. Emotional cheating many times leads to physical cheating. Especially when the wife is busy with a newborn
 
it takes two hands to clap, what about the woman? .And usually the guy's heart is with the wife, he may just need a physical outlet., does not link to emotions.
 
Lostdad said:
it takes two hands to clap, what about the woman? .And usually the guy's heart is with the wife, he may just need a physical outlet., does not link to emotions.
Click to expand...
huh? heart with the wife but wan to have sex with another woman???

so to you, if your wife heart is with you, it's alright for her to have sex or intimate with another man?
 
okay lets not dwell on that point, usually have different circumstances to every situation, life is not black and white. usually it is always grey.
 
anyway i'm just stating a point that for men, sex isj ust sex without emotion...same as porn and masturbation. there is a very thin line..
 
Lostdad said:
anyway i'm just stating a point that for men, sex isj ust sex without emotion...same as porn and masturbation. there is a very thin line..
Click to expand...

Sorry but I don’t agree with you on that point. Not all men think like you.
Maybe that’s you but not all men are like that if not this world will be chaos
 
Lostdad said:
okay lets not dwell on that point, usually have different circumstances to every situation, life is not black and white. usually it is always grey.
Click to expand...

Anyway I don’t think you know what’s is cheating and the implications of cheating from your past threads.

My advice to you is to seek some counseling.
Honestly I have many males friend and I don’t get emotionally involved with them and they don’t get physically involved with woman and feel that’s alright.
 
i am not saying it is right. and it does not go far as counseling. i am just saying the world is not black and white anymore.
 
Lostdad said:
anyway i'm just stating a point that for men, sex isj ust sex without emotion...same as porn and masturbation. there is a very thin line..
Click to expand...
hello you dont speak for all men.
I know of many men and my Male friend beside me, we dont simply go and have sex without feeling or love.
you shouldn't use yourself to be spokesmen for all men. you still have a lot to learn.
 
Lostdad said:
you have your own view and it is justified. my view is not as stringent thats all.
Click to expand...
I have to correct you because you say men.
if it's you say you are like that I have nothing to say.
like I say, dont be a spokemen for men when you are not. not all men are so sex motivate and can simply have sex without emotional with other women
 
when u are on the beneficial side, u prefer grey zone.

so, the woman is sexting your guy. this is ground zero whr all hell will break loose when they meet. she is prep-ing the ground, leading him on.

please, talk to your hub tactfully before he reaches a point of no return.

apparently, your hub needs to be reminded of his new added role (dad) and how he should discharge his responsibility. he needs to be reminded what's at stake and learn to thread the line.

you have a family to protect. if he goes defensive, then you will learn how much he value his family.

the focus should be him sexting a woman, not about that person is his ex-fling.
 
Hi Joon Mat, you just have a baby. Don't think about all these at the moment and focus on your child first. It is physically and emotionally draining to take care of a new born. I know this cos I just delivered in May, and even though I think I am a positive person, I feel overwhelmed at times, sometimes even to the extent of feeling depressed. Have more happy thoughts, and enlist your hubby help if required. With the focus switched to the baby, perhaps he will spend less time chatting with the ex fling.
 
Lostdad said:
anyway i'm just stating a point that for men, sex isj ust sex without emotion...same as porn and masturbation. there is a very thin line..
Click to expand...

As a man while I can sort of *maybe*
just see masturbation/porn some harmless fantasy but here we talking about the guy flirting with a living female person!

Such disrespect to the wife!
 
axioms said:
As a man while I can sort of *maybe*
just see masturbation/porn some harmless fantasy but here we talking about the guy flirting with a living female person!

Such disrespect to the wife!
Click to expand...
My marriage ended & he ask for divorce. Been 5months since we divorce but yet I am having hard time to accept it. He been busy with his “activities” since we got married. He been having an affair for god knows how long.
 
Hope18 said:
My marriage ended & he ask for divorce. Been 5months since we divorce but yet I am having hard time to accept it. He been busy with his “activities” since we got married. He been having an affair for god knows how long.
Click to expand...
Hi Hope18,
It must be very hard dealing with the emotional betrayal and managing a baby. I will not say I understand how you feel, cos no one will understand how you feel except for yourself. However, I have two friends who came out of a divorce and emerged stronger, happier. My sis in law was also divorced, and is also happier now as her ex-husband was squandering all her money away. There are many reasons as to why a relationship broke down, could be money issues, fidelity issues or simply there is no love anymore.

It is sad when a man leave the family and cast aside his responsibilities towards wife and child. My husband's dad, left the family in the 70s when my mom in law was pregnant with my husband, for another woman. My sis in law still tell us stories of how my mom in law would go around begging people for money, as she needed the money to feed her three children, with another one on the way (she was also a SAHM in those days). It was extremely tough on her and she harbored a deep resentment towards my father in law even after he returned to the family when my husband was born. However, because of this incident, her children loved and respected her dearly (I used the past tense as my mom in law passed away a few years back). All her children treated her extremely well and were also very affectionate towards her. And whenever there is an argument between my mom and father in laws, the children will all side with the mom.

What I want to say is, you must have a lot of sadness and perhaps even anger towards your ex-husband now, for leaving the family, for betraying your trust various times and being busy with his multiple activities now. However, for the sake of yourself and your child, you need to be strong and focus on how you can make the situation better. Cry as much as you want, pour your sorrows to your friends or even in this forum as much as you want. Thereafter, pull yourself together and focus on how to make your life and your child's life better. You are your child's pillar of strength, and life model.

Believe me, you can tide over this. Be strong.
 
Isabel135 said:
Hi Hope18,
It must be very hard dealing with the emotional betrayal and managing a baby. I will not say I understand how you feel, cos no one will understand how you feel except for yourself. However, I have two friends who came out of a divorce and emerged stronger, happier. My sis in law was also divorced, and is also happier now as her ex-husband was squandering all her money away. There are many reasons as to why a relationship broke down, could be money issues, fidelity issues or simply there is no love anymore.

It is sad when a man leave the family and cast aside his responsibilities towards wife and child. My husband's dad, left the family in the 70s when my mom in law was pregnant with my husband, for another woman. My sis in law still tell us stories of how my mom in law would go around begging people for money, as she needed the money to feed her three children, with another one on the way (she was also a SAHM in those days). It was extremely tough on her and she harbored a deep resentment towards my father in law even after he returned to the family when my husband was born. However, because of this incident, her children loved and respected her dearly (I used the past tense as my mom in law passed away a few years back). All her children treated her extremely well and were also very affectionate towards her. And whenever there is an argument between my mom and father in laws, the children will all side with the mom.

What I want to say is, you must have a lot of sadness and perhaps even anger towards your ex-husband now, for leaving the family, for betraying your trust various times and being busy with his multiple activities now. However, for the sake of yourself and your child, you need to be strong and focus on how you can make the situation better. Cry as much as you want, pour your sorrows to your friends or even in this forum as much as you want. Thereafter, pull yourself together and focus on how to make your life and your child's life better. You are your child's pillar of strength, and life model.

Believe me, you can tide over this. Be strong.
Click to expand...
Thank you very much & really appreciate it soo much for sharing with me this.
For me I am still learning to cope it. And today is such a mental breakdown for me. I kept blaming myself for everything that happen.
 
Hope18 said:
Thank you very much & really appreciate it soo much for sharing with me this.
For me I am still learning to cope it. And today is such a mental breakdown for me. I kept blaming myself for everything that happen.
Click to expand...
Do not ever blame yourself for his betrayal and infidelity. Do not believe a single word he says. He is purely shifting the blame onto you to offload his guilt and shame. Do not enter his trap by allowing him to blame you for everything.

Blame yourself only if you let your child down. For now, your focus is on your child. Without your ex, you can still provide your child a loving home, a resilient mother and happy memories. I have seen many people who did that.

Take some time to grieve, get angry and cry. After that, pull yourself together and move forward. Being in Singapore, we have access to many help groups and resources. If you want to look for a job, there are many employment agencies out there who can match you to the right jobs. Else, you can also seek help from your MP.
 
Isabel135 said:
Do not ever blame yourself for his betrayal and infidelity. Do not believe a single word he says. He is purely shifting the blame onto you to offload his guilt and shame. Do not enter his trap by allowing him to blame you for everything.

Blame yourself only if you let your child down. For now, your focus is on your child. Without your ex, you can still provide your child a loving home, a resilient mother and happy memories. I have seen many people who did that.

Take some time to grieve, get angry and cry. After that, pull yourself together and move forward. Being in Singapore, we have access to many help groups and resources. If you want to look for a job, there are many employment agencies out there who can match you to the right jobs. Else, you can also seek help from your MP.
Click to expand...
I agree with you...So please pick yourself up and continue to bring your child up cos she needs you more than ever.

Don't go and think about what the other party says cos it is totally rubbish and he is trying to make you feel guilty about the whole thing.

As if your life is incomplete without him...dont buy into that.Flush all negative thoughts away.Live a dignified life and be someone that your child can be proud of in future.
 
Thank you everyone. I just don’t understand all this why end it when you get to give your best shot by saving the marriage. But again, things already happen I can’t dwell on it for too long. Just trying very hard everyday to keep it going with my baby.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

A
Husband wants a divorce
Replies
46
Views
3K
Mongkok
M
A
Polygenic testing of IVF embryos: False hope for instilling disease resistance and desirable traits?
Replies
1
Views
596
Angelica Cheng
A
B
Egg Donor Programme experience in Malaysia
Replies
8
Views
4K
lady081980
lady081980
A
Sperm and egg donation anonymity has become obsolete with the advent of DNA testing
Replies
0
Views
3K
Angelica Cheng
A
A
Sperm and egg donation anonymity has become obsolete with the advent of DNA testing
Replies
0
Views
3K
Angelica Cheng
A

Back
Top