Divorced with Kids...and Its Aftermath

Ash11

Gal the right thing is always difficult to do...nobody says its going to be smooth sailing bed of roses... pull yourself together...let me ask u ..if u lost yr job ..how? Can he feed u n yr kids? For how long ? If he lost his job, will he still be the same man u love when he cant even buy u dinner and all?

If both of u suddenly lost yr jobs, think who will leave n who is the one that gets the easy way out?

You are building castles in yr head ...it will all go woof n poof...so focus on the reality...your kids n u and when times comes, you will be strong n be bless with a good man.

Dun keep thinking u.can lean on him for moral n physical n finacial support, he's not the one. Learn to stand up.for yourself n not lean on anyone. Your kids, monkey see monkey do ..do u want them to be looking for other ppl to lean on?

I know a fren, he leans on everyone...total pest...he expects his gf to pay his car...his mum n dad to pay his lodging, his buddy for food ...yeah, go makan he ask his fren to pay.. ...work responsibilties he push to his fren...

So dun be this catergory .. .. enotional pity n feelings dun get u anywhere ...

Staying home looking after kids n he brings in the bread ? This isnt korean drama the handsome rich man comes driving his Merc to fetch u n bring u go.shopping..... pls wake up.. work towards reality...

Be strong gal .. may God bless u peace.
 


Hi gladjo,
reading your reply made me laugh a little! My job is now something I have to secure tightly... I can't afford to lose this job else I will lose my kids and the house. So I'm trying really hard to focus and not slip up at work.. am glad I'm moving to another branch next week, hope it'll all be better for me as it's a new environment and that we'll not be in the same office.
It's true.. u're right, the right thing is always difficult to do..
I never cared whether he could support me financially, because I like to earn my own keep and keep my own family running. Bluntly put, he is still an outsider, plus he is not obliged to support the family as he is not the kids' father. As for moral support... there's only so much I dare to lean, or not. Sometimes I'd like to think of myself as a very realistic and practical person, but after being in this relationship, I'm like a 'fa hua chi' (blinded by love) kind of person. I really don't like myself now..
 
Ash11

Good u thinking better..alot of women watch korean drama n think their husband or bf will be like that ..knns

Hold fast to yr job,work hard cos economy is bad n u dun know who's on the chopping board while dreaming of korean prince charming in white merc.

He's not important..yr kids are.

God bless
 
u know what's the worst part? I feel indebted to him too...

It was because of him that I dared to move out of my comfort zone, to look for a better job to support my kids. And I did get my new role. Else i'll still be drifting along, passing everyday like that. It was also cos of him that I took charge of my finances and think long term. Before this, I always kept spending money.. .never think about household maintenance, kids future, and all. Now he forced me to save and manage my money properly, don't anyhow spend on things or look for alternatives. I used to just swipe my credit card without thinking, my debts rolled monthly. $2k +, $3k.. every month just pay minimum. No discipline to pay what I spend. Now I still have credit card bills of course, but it's all those necessities, like groceries.. all in all about $200 to maybe $300 per month with all other expenses. Plus he paid a lot of things for me from his savings, until he has 0 and has to dig into his "piggy bank". My career and finances would not be in this better state now because of him. All in all he has lent me about $6K... which I will definitely take a loan form outside and return him in full if things go wrong for good. Sigh... I feel like it's me making use of him , then dumping him away. Don't know why I feel like that :(
 
Take it this way...it was mutural understanding ..nobody makes use of anyone ...he got partime family n free xxx ...and he's old enough not to let anyone make use if him n he makes this decision himself. He know full well of the baggage T&C pa

Dun feel guilty ...some ppl need someone to point them the way out of the maze.
 
After all the chaos in the last 2 nights and all the words exchanged, my heart and mind is like bruised and battered already..no energy to get angry, to really cry, or to wonder why..... just feeling very zen, very stoned.... no goals, no plans for this rship . talk also just 1 word, or just being patronizing. Just want to stay at home and sleep and accompany my kids, and pretend we never ever happened. Some times I wish I can just migrate and leave this sad place. Last night I planned to migrate with my kids, but of course my ex will never allow. Plus I also can't just throw my parents behind like that. I even hoped I'd get into an accident, forget everyone except my close friends, kids and parents. haha. I don't know what has become of me.
 
I dropped my phone earlier at office n screen cracked.. someone opened the door, didn't see me and thus I dropped it. I told WP about it and he scolded me like I just killed someone or set someone's house on fire ...whole string of text on the communicator...then called me up on my desk line and started ranting... then hung my phone. Said how can I be so irresponsible.. say he very lazy to talk sense into me already... I just reply one word sorry because I really got no energy to argue anymore.. the word sorry now is said with no feelings. he said he dk how to be with someone so irresponsible.. whoever walks around the office carry hp on hand? Only me..thats what he said ..haha. I replied him "ok.. u decide ba" ... I really very tired.
 
if you decide to start afresh , the first thing to do would be to stop talking to him, distance yourself away from him, why do you still need to report to him abt your phone damaged etc?

if he loves you, he wouldn't be putting you down like this...

you mentioned that you are not a gd mother, don't know how to cook, do hsework etc..nobody is born in this world whereby they know everything without trying...

don't know how to cook/do hsework, then how abt start learning today? you don't need to cook like a masterchef, but just try, your kids will appreciate...

your life seems to be in a mess after you met this younger guy, how abt from today onwards, work hard to sort out the mess, and Right the Wrongs..start by spending more time with the kids...

btw, do you want to marry this younger guy who is so controlling and suspicious, always suspecting that you are still with your ex?
it sounds very tiring to me...
 
He thinks he has the right to be controlling and suspicious because of all the lies I told him before...he said im the cause of all his behavior today. Deep inside I know he can control behavior but he chose to blame it all on me..he can try to trust me , but he decided not to by doing all these...and at times, I also feel im at fault and caused him to behave like this - I was in the wrong so I don't deserve to negotiate terms, etc. Yet I know I deserve more than this, but the heart is just refusing to budge.. indeed after being with him my life took a turn for the worse.. 180degrees turn... everyone asked me why I look so tired and haggard these days.. I wish I could cook for my kids, I know I can learn and I'm up to it. but all these drained my energy.. everyday I go home, feeling so tired, all at the expense of my kids... my will power is just like zero..
 
Ash11, divert you attention to other things. Focus on your children.

You can start to learn cooking with your children or do housework together. I am also learning to cook and struggling with housework. I am trying to involve my kids in housework to ease my load. It is not easy as a working mum as i only see them a few hours a day and a lot of things to do with them.

There are a lot of things you can do with your children. Play games, sing songs, read stories and even cooking and doing housework.

Whenever i think about how I want my kids to be like when they grow up, I realise there are a lot of things I must teach them.
 
I know I sound like I'm just choosing to live in hell. I'm sorry but bear with me for ranting..... seems like I have no other avenues.
Out of the blue, WP said that I was hiding a lot of things from him. Said that at night I always secretly whatsapp my ex and delete messages. Also said that at work I use communicator to talk to him and lie that I never. Calls me a liar, a hider and a cheater. Just 30 minutes ago we were talking about dinner plans, and suddenly he will talk abt all these. I was in the middle of my lunch at my desk where he typed out all these on communicator. He said anyway even if he ask me I will surely deny so nvm... I stared into my lunchbox and just felt like crying..
This morning I texted that I was going to shower, and 10 minutes later when I came out, I saw a text from him saying why I shower so long.. is it im showering with with "my darling" (my ex). When I walked kids to school, he asked me who I was walking them to school with... whether I was alone ..obviously he thinks that I was with my ex.
Keeps commenting on my face complexion ,saying that if I don't take care i'll look like his mom. I said, oh, u mind that... he said no he doesn't but he doesn't want me to be hurt by ppl's comments next time if I don't take care of my face.
Actually, before we started having issues, my face was ok.. until when we started having issues over and over..my complexion took a turn for the worse.... till now still cant recover (for obvious reasons).... it's like a vicious cycle....
 
Halfway thru my lunch at my desk, he started talking about me being a liar, cheater and a hider over communicator. Just 30 minutes ago, we were talking abt dinner plans, and 30 mins later...weather changed. I was so upset I almost cried into my lunch box. He said he cant trust me. Asked me how to continue. I felt it was a good chance. I tried to control my reply but I couldn't... I typed back "ok , the don't continue". then he replied ok and asked me to stop whatsapping him. After which I shut my communicator ..then asked myself, why was I running away? All the more I should face my emotions and my fears. I ignored his subsequent messages, as he said I was like a timebomb, always whining to people and backstabbing him. I didn't reply, so he called my desk and asked fiercely and sarcastically 'u didn't see my messages?" I calmly replied saying I did... I was reading thru them, with one sentence saying lucky he didn't book the overseas trip as it was wasting his time. So I retorted saying, waste time right? ok, bye. and hung up.... just really sad but I really don't have the energy anymore and I can feel that I don't have the urge to keep this rship anymore like before.

He kept bombarding my phone, whatsapp.. I had went to the toilet and cried for a good 30minutes. He questioned where I went, how could I have gone toilet for so long. He said I went somewhere and called my ex secretly.... I asked him to return my passport tomorrow. He asked if I was sure I didn't want this. I said yes... and he said ok, at least I felt guilty abt lying to him daily. I sighed and said I was tired of being accused... so I rather give this up.. I feel like I did a triathlon and I just wanna collapse now. At this point I wish there was someone here who could pull me away but I'm at my desk so all I have is myself to depend on. I repeatedly tell myself courage is not something I can do but doing something I thought I can't do. I'm really just sitting here sighing from exhaustion. It takes a lot of willpower... he keeps saying don't say he never give me chance, to which I replied 'ok'. Haha, why did I even reply.
Perhaps there will never be a proper closure, but like 1 mommy said before, no closure is also a form of closure.
 
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There is only so much all of us here can advise u on. But u need to gather up the willpower to leave WP on your own. A man who loves u will never subject u to such insults and mental abuse.

Every other day u will vent and be upset over things he did, things he said. Pls walk away from all these and save yourself the pain to be a better parent to the children. You are no longer just a mum; you have to become their father too.
 
Ash

U r not tied down with marriage now, u r SINGLE now! Remember all these!

Don't commit anything now, it's just not the right time and right mind. Get out and continue with your life!

Woman can be very strong if you want to!
 
Ash11

Stop hoping to get back with him...u deserve someone bette n office romance shud always be avoided.

Pull youself together..u cant let yr emo affect yr job ....so be strong n dun let him affect u

God bless gal
 
why would somebody keep going back to the person who bashes him up? Even if determined to go back, also must come up with strategies to defend or fight back first right? Why keep going back all battered up with no strategy in mind on how to win the game? You and him need some alone time to think this through before "exchanging blows" again.
 
You behave like a teenager who refuse to accept a clean break off. you prefer someone to dump you first than to take the 1st initiative. come on, you are 30yrs old and mum of two..surely you have experienced break off before.

We have all woken you up but it is you who refuse to let go or admit defeat. what is so good about him that your other potentials cannot come into your life.

If you remain stubborn to continue on this hopeless futile relationship, disaster will surely to happen.
 
Just my honest opinion as a guy.
I have gfs, ex that have cheating experiences.. I also have a couple of guy friends who have similar situations where their wife cheat or gfs. We do come out and chat over kopi..

I think fundamentals and values are very important. Any guys will try to coax you telling you to try out, even though they know you are attached. We, guys will assured you that we dont mind and blah blah blah.
During the courtship, fundamentals and values must be properly builded up as we all know one party is a cheater.
If not, words are words. End of the day, trust was never established and this will snowball. In your case, it is very true. WP do not TRUST u since start.. you guys do not have a strong fundamentals before u jumped into it. ( I believe there must have alot of quarrels, lies and secrets that were discovered over time)

So in your next rs, i do suggest you be open and do not play mind games. Tell your next partner what your expectations and make sure yourself are showing it. (I.e show him who u go out with, communicate where and who, Of cos same goes to your partner) This will helps to build the fundamentals. If your partner is against the idea n need his privacy then i think u better let go this rs.

When fundamental are not strong... it is very very hard to established trust.. Somemore this comes from a cheater. (Sry to say this but right from start u are aldy wrong!)
If you really want this back. u guys have to be upfront and lay down the rules. STICK to it... can u allow him to view your hp?
Can he do the same for u? Difficult but can be done...
 
Its true it requires alot of willpower from myself, no matter much persuasion or advice everyone shares here. The worst part is knowing that this probably won't lead anywhere but i still continue anyway. .... maybe still trying to believe a miracle will happen. But actually all along, i've come to realize that i can't find peace in this rship at all, not that because we always quarrel (that's one) but also because i don't feel right in this rship (guess i still feel guilty about giving my kids a crap family and causing a divorce). It's more like guilt eating at me that prevents me from giving my all and be really open and carefree in this rship.

Infernolord u're right, fundamentals were already wrong from the start. If i could cheat on my ex with WP, what less was the possibility of me cheating on WP with someone else? I could have built the fundamentals right from the beginning and really show I really wanted this new rship, but right from the beginning when i jumped in, i was still partially in 2 minds.. feeling guilty all the time, and thus having a lot of secrets and lies along the way (that got discovered anyway like you said). It caused the rship to be worse than it already was, which was why we are here today in this state. Plus he already has trust issues right from the start (not just with me, but generally with people), so its even worse.

He doesn't have problems letting me view everything - his hp, mails, emails, etc etc - but why would i want to go to that extent? I don't want to have to do that cos it's just very tiring and mentally taxing. I don't know how he can do that daily...... And yes, right from the start i knew i was already wrong to 1) go into an affair 2) cheated and lied in my new rship . I'm slowly to let go of the guilt towards my children, parents and everyone else , but it just seems impossible.
 
Ash11, why stay in a relationship with no peace? If you don't feel right about it, don't continue.

You feel guilty towards everyone but you can't please everybody. From my point of view, my kids are the most important as they are still very dependent on me. My family is important too as it hurts them to see me in misery.

Think about what had happened between you and WP. Is he really sincere in building up this relation? If he is and you too, then he has to learn to trust you. Miracle doesn't just happen. You need to find a way out.

No matter what you have done wrong, you don't owe WP anything. He played a part in leading you into making the mistake.

Hope you sort out your thoughts soon and get out from the mess.
 
ash11 said:
Infernolord u're right, fundamentals were already wrong from the start. If i could cheat on my ex with WP, what less was the possibility of me cheating on WP with someone else? I could have built the fundamentals right from the beginning and really show I really wanted this new rship, but right from the beginning when i jumped in, i was still partially in 2 minds.. feeling guilty all the time, and thus having a lot of secrets and lies along the way (that got discovered anyway like you said). It caused the rship to be worse than it already was, which was why we are here today in this state. Plus he already has trust issues right from the start (not just with me, but generally with people), so its even worse.

He doesn't have problems letting me view everything - his hp, mails, emails, etc etc - but why would i want to go to that extent? I don't want to have to do that cos it's just very tiring and mentally taxing. I don't know how he can do that daily...... And yes, right from the start i knew i was already wrong to 1) go into an affair 2) cheated and lied in my new rship . I'm slowly to let go of the guilt towards my children, parents and everyone else , but it just seems impossible.
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Haiz. It is difficult to salvage my friend. I used to have ex gf who cheated. I find it very very hard to trust them. Moreover, they are social animals. I tend to secretly view at their hps and they knew that i checked on them. Why i did that is because, i just want to catch them redhanded. It is exhausting. Then i realised that this was all wrong.

It can be done and you have to be very FIRM. So call "privacy" is nonsense. When would a couple want privacy on who and where he/she go?? The moment one is secretive, the other will be suspicious.. Trust will not be there.
Me and my current gf meet over apps. (And we all know how apps work, usually it is hard to trust ppl from app) In my current rs, i showed hand. I expected "her" to showhand. I passed my hp to her. tell her who and where i meet my other female friends. I make sure she do the same. (I have laid out everything before we go into a rs) Cos i dun trust gers too. I believed Constant updating to each other build trusts.. So far it works.
 
Its been hell, and i even thought of migrating. Last evening we were arguing and almost fighting outside until passebys almost called the police. It all started because i sent a farewell email to his team , thanking them for their support over the years i had been in that branch. It turned out to be a 'bad' decision because everyone started saying to WP that he was a xiao bai lian... that i must be rich that's why he's with me... etc etc. In a way saying how could he even match up as our career/corporate ranks were opposite ends. He chided me for even sending that email and asked why did i even need to do so. I said well, just to express my gratitude ?? I flared up for the umpteenth time, and things spiralled out of control from there. Alighted from the train and argued outdoors. Called me a whore and a slut, loose vagina, sleep around, ........ i was literally screaming from all the insults and the pressure. I hailed a cab, only for him to stop me from entering and pulled me out. i wanted to leave, i told him to get lost. He wouldn't. he followed me wherever i went. In anger i threw my phone on the pathway, 5 times in all -and each time he picked it up. ......... later we argued because he said i was simply behaving like a rich kid, whom doesnt knw how to cherish things, solve things like a child, by walking away ............ say that i treat him like that simply because he is not a rich kid, can't support my lifestyle.... whereas my ex throw money at me every month thats why i treat him so nice ... blablabla...say my parents look down on him and his family, plus my dad even said to him before have to endure my character (demanding, stubborn, want things my way) and dont even try getting me to change for the better. I find it hard to just ignore all these because to me i have never looked at him this way... never minded our financial differences (Im much poorer btw, no savings) ....nor career ranks, etc. I missed work today cos of our argument last night. And he said im just so irresponsible. I dont disagree.... i shouldnt have missed work cos of my shit. He was pissed i handled things like that...miss work, irresponsible, dont answer calls.... moreover its my first day at my new role. I really hate this but i can't seem to get out of this mess.
Last night i texted his mom after thinking thru. I told her i'll give her son up. and i'll leave this goddamn place, and try to put everything behind me. I told her the only way to repay her kindness was to return her son to her. She asked me where i was going, i said to some place where my kids can grow up properly. I really have the intention to just migrate, or go away for a long time ..... but i cannot leave my parents behind like that. His mom asked if my parents knew of my decision and i said i'll tell them when its time. I know i don't have the means ($$) to do so at all, but i really just wanna get out. It's only my kids that's holding me back because afterall here will still be the best place for them to be in. I thought of leaving alone for a while but i don't know who will take care of them and i dont want anyone to say i abandon my kids for my own sake.. He doesn't know i msg his mum at all.. i did that so that i cannot take back my words of leaving this relationship.. at least theres something there to make me keep my promise. I dont even know if what i did was right. I just wanna pick up the pieces and have my life back without feeling all the pain.
 
ash11 said:
Its been hell, and i even thought of migrating. Last evening we were arguing and almost fighting outside until passebys almost called the police. It all started because i sent a farewell email to his team , thanking them for their support over the years i had been in that branch. It turned out to be a 'bad' decision because everyone started saying to WP that he was a xiao bai lian... that i must be rich that's why he's with me... etc etc. In a way saying how could he even match up as our career/corporate ranks were opposite ends. He chided me for even sending that email and asked why did i even need to do so. I said well, just to express my gratitude ?? I flared up for the umpteenth time, and things spiralled out of control from there. Alighted from the train and argued outdoors. Called me a whore and a slut, loose vagina, sleep around, ........ i was literally screaming from all the insults and the pressure. I hailed a cab, only for him to stop me from entering and pulled me out. i wanted to leave, i told him to get lost. He wouldn't. he followed me wherever i went. In anger i threw my phone on the pathway, 5 times in all -and each time he picked it up. ......... later we argued because he said i was simply behaving like a rich kid, whom doesnt knw how to cherish things, solve things like a child, by walking away ............ say that i treat him like that simply because he is not a rich kid, can't support my lifestyle.... whereas my ex throw money at me every month thats why i treat him so nice ... blablabla...say my parents look down on him and his family, plus my dad even said to him before have to endure my character (demanding, stubborn, want things my way) and dont even try getting me to change for the better. I find it hard to just ignore all these because to me i have never looked at him this way... never minded our financial differences (Im much poorer btw, no savings) ....nor career ranks, etc. I missed work today cos of our argument last night. And he said im just so irresponsible. I dont disagree.... i shouldnt have missed work cos of my shit. He was pissed i handled things like that...miss work, irresponsible, dont answer calls.... moreover its my first day at my new role. I really hate this but i can't seem to get out of this mess.
Last night i texted his mom after thinking thru. I told her i'll give her son up. and i'll leave this goddamn place, and try to put everything behind me. I told her the only way to repay her kindness was to return her son to her. She asked me where i was going, i said to some place where my kids can grow up properly. I really have the intention to just migrate, or go away for a long time ..... but i cannot leave my parents behind like that. His mom asked if my parents knew of my decision and i said i'll tell them when its time. I know i don't have the means ($$) to do so at all, but i really just wanna get out. It's only my kids that's holding me back because afterall here will still be the best place for them to be in. I thought of leaving alone for a while but i don't know who will take care of them and i dont want anyone to say i abandon my kids for my own sake.. He doesn't know i msg his mum at all.. i did that so that i cannot take back my words of leaving this relationship.. at least theres something there to make me keep my promise. I dont even know if what i did was right. I just wanna pick up the pieces and have my life back without feeling all the pain.
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Honestly we are all here and more than happy to lend a listening ear if u need to vent. But u seem to just want to go round and round in this unhappy situation when u know u CAN and SHOULD walk away from him for your own peace and for the children.

No one can help u but urself; it's your choice to stay and be unhappy or leave and find a better life. Hope u find ur inner peace one day.
 
Please stop your childish behaviour. Have a clean cut, for you and kids' sake.

Listening ears eventually will stop as you allow yourself to encircle in this go-to-no way relationship.

Your company may not want you if you constantly allow your personal affairs and emotions from absent in work. Also, why invite so much unhappy office gossips?
 
Ash, I know it's hard for anyone to persuade u to tear yourself away frm the guy as it's easier said than done. Having said tt, do get your priorities right. Yr career is crucial n shldnt let any other aspects of yr life affect it. Next, r yr kids n yr responsibilities twds them. Whilst it is hard to walk away frm the less than ideal r/s (at times we dun hv a choice), do remind yourself tt this r/s u r having is transient n this guy may well be a crutch for u in this tumultuous time. When opportunity knocks n a good guy comes along, drop him for good ya? Cheerios :)
 
We agreed to focus - him on his studies and me on my kids + my new role. He says im not ready to be in a relationship.
that i'm a very bad gf, very demanding, temperamental and childish.
Anyway my new boss doesnt have time to entertain my shit so i guess i have to really focus n work.

The funny thing is i dont even wish i would meet a good guy. I don't really want to meet a good guy. I'd rather be single after this relationship. I dont have the energy for a new guy and having to reintroduce a new person to my kids.
 
Just afraid you will not be in time to shirk him off and regret if there is a sudden unexpected pregnancy with him, if you drag into this relationship.
Or, things get worse with beatings till landed in hospital.
Why succumb to this when you can save yourself from misery now and fast?
 
She needs time to let het decision put into motion

Ash11 ..hope u are in motion to make a clean break n love yourself n your lovely kids. Man or no Man ... live for yourself & your kids, once you hv this yardstick in place, dun soften n dun turn back n dig old bones. Let the pass buried

Be strong
 
I remember reading somewhere that sometimes the answers to your questions are within yourself. And that's very true.
I kind of know all the answers. But im still heading towards the wall.
Couple of days ago in the midst of the breakups and quarrels, i sought out ex and he told me something that's very basic but still etched in my mind - "being together isn't just about the weekend and fun. It's about sharing the same goals and motivating each other. Be each other's listening ear rather than insisting on one's own way."

It got me wondering what kinda goals did WP and I even share .....what kind of motivation i had (if any)?

He very much wants to be the new dad for the kids and doesn't want me to have any contact with my ex at all not even regarding the children. He insisted that whatever needs to be communicated can be communicated thru the kids. Eg. him bringing the kids out for dinner - why can't he just tell my kids instead of telling me. Even my ex and I are going for the PTC together this weekend he also got pissed. He said i can't seem to show my kids that their dad and I are not together anymore. I mean yea we could go separately, but to me it was cos of the kids so what's there to avoid? Apparently he doesn't get it.

Searched within myself and realized perhaps i was looking for the real peace somewhere else because I can't seem to get it in WP. Realized i can't seem to just walk/break off because:
1) he had done so much for me and i feel kind of obligated and indebted so im just hanging on.
2) He scrimped and saved to get me a things instead of buying things for himself. Would seem like i made use of him and dump him after. He doesn't earn much but he got me a new phone (when i smashed mine in anger during our quarrels), a T&C necklace and some other items. I don't care about the material branded stuff but he chose to spend on me than himself.
3) Friends tell me he's never been so serious in a rship
4) Friends tell me he doesn't mind me having 2 kids a single bit
5) I feel like he's so poorthing if i were to just leave his life

I can't please everyone but i don't know how to get out without feeling guilty? So much that i sometimes secretly wish he cheated on me so i have a reason to leave. Am i just weird?

Anw... 2nd day at my new role and I'm so glad it's making me focus and keeps me busy. Can't afford to be distracted. All my teammates eat in just so that they can knock off at 6pm. By 6pm I'm totally drained i just wanna go home and sleep.
 
Why guilty?
1) hadn't you done a lot for him too?
2) have you not invested feelings, money and precious youth on him as well?
3) weren't you serious as well?
4) u didn't mind him being younger and earning lesser too.
5) maybe u r doing him a favor

U think too much.
 
ash11 said:
I remember reading somewhere that sometimes the answers to your questions are within yourself. And that's very true.

Searched within myself and realized perhaps i was looking for the real peace somewhere else because I can't seem to get it in WP. Realized i can't seem to just walk/break off because:
1) he had done so much for me and i feel kind of obligated and indebted so im just hanging on.
2) He scrimped and saved to get me a things instead of buying things for himself. Would seem like i made use of him and dump him after. He doesn't earn much but he got me a new phone (when i smashed mine in anger during our quarrels), a T&C necklace and some other items. I don't care about the material branded stuff but he chose to spend on me than himself.
3) Friends tell me he's never been so serious in a rship
4) Friends tell me he doesn't mind me having 2 kids a single bit
5) I feel like he's so poorthing if i were to just leave his life

I can't please everyone but i don't know how to get out without feeling guilty? So much that i sometimes secretly wish he cheated on me so i have a reason to leave. Am i just weird?
.
Click to expand...

Alot of ppl would have encourage you to leave. So do I.
But reading from your thread, i have to conclude that this guy is serious in you. As a guy, or even u ask other guys opinion, i think his actions and his commitments have show you. I believe he is frustrated as well that things just do not work out with you.

Again. it all goes back to values and fundamentals. U need to assure him. It is a serious trust issue between both of you.
U might need to seek help from someone to get both sit down and talk it out.
If all is done and he is still stubborn and suspicious. I think its better to move on. Doesnt mean its the end. It might be a cool down period for both to think tru.
 
Hello all..
thanks for your inputs, esp from Infernolord. Because i think it's good to know a guy's point of view as well... so i really hope you can share your thoughts with me. I know where my brain is but my heart is just somewhere else where it shouldn't be.

ah_o, i've thought about your point 5) many times. That i'd be doing him a favor. But each time i try to leave, i get held back and i'll just go soft. .. Quoting your pointers below..:

1) hadn't you done a lot for him too?
- I don't really think i did a lot as compared to what he did for me

2) have you not invested feelings, money and precious youth on him as well?
- Can't say i invested 100% of my feelings ; i didnt spend much money, and as for youth, i guess i spent about a year

3) weren't you serious as well?
- Don't even know if im serious.

4) u didn't mind him being younger and earning lesser too.
- Yea this is true

5) maybe u r doing him a favor
- did think about it.

Infernolord, if i were to touch my heart, i'd have no doubt that he's serious about this relationship. He devoted everything (time, money and effort) on me. But yes, we have a lot of trust issues and he's frustrated that i'm the one causing all the problems (he discovered i had deleted certain messages, exchanged unnecessary conversations with my ex... etc).

He's just angry about a few issues at hand:
1) Can't seem to protect myself (because i never seem to have the urgency to file for maintenance against my ex). He feels i'll have to shoulder a lot of financial burden and get myself burdened for nothing when i can actually file an official maintenance.
My ex is giving me a certain sum every month but WP feels it's insufficient and unfair. He says in SG, which husband actually splits exactly 50-50 for all expenses relating to the kids? (the maintenance my ex gives is now 50% for the kids sch fees and maid)

He also feels i cant protect myself because im not careful of the things i say to my ex, parents and kids. Eg that my kids when they grow up, ppl will start telling them that their mum left the marriage for a 3rd party. That they'll be laughed at in school, and start to hate me. And eventually i'll lose my kids. He told me he's afraid i'd breakdown if my kids hate me next time. So he's been 'advising' me what to say and what not to say.....

2) Cant's seem to have a clean break with my ex - he's wondering why my ex and i need to keep in touch because of the kids. Eg. my ex will msg me and tell me he's coming over to see the kids and i'll reply OK. WP wonders why he needs to even inform me? I told him well, i appreciate that a lot cos it's just courtesy. But WP thinks that my ex shld just call my kids to tell them he's visiting and they can call and tell me. (In other words, my kids should be a messenger?) Says that i use my kids as an excuse topic to talk to my ex. Parent teacher conference is tmr and I'm going with my ex. He's also not happy because he feels he should be the one going. I'm wondering if he's asking for too much - then again, he thinks of himself as the step dad so......
 
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WP found out i had borrowed a spare phone from my ex. Needless to say we got into an argument and a fight and we just broke off (again). He sustained some scratches and i sustained a blue black eyelid and some scratches on my neck and arm. A small bump on the back of my head cos i got pushed against a wall. Strained shoulder cos he grabbed and pushed me by the shoulder. Spat at least 5 times in my face and called me a whore, bitch, and a loose vagina woman. We were screaming (actually me) and shouting at the void deck till a passerby came to stop us. He said we were just teenagers and hope we can sort things out properly (and hope we can focus on studies). Gave a few words of advise.

WP actually got me a Xiaomi that got delivered on Friday and he was helping me configure it this morning. Just nice my ex sent a msg and said to let me use his phone till i get a replacement. War broke out.

WP reads it as:
1) I borrowed phone from my ex cos i feel WP is not able to get me a spare phone
2) WP thinks i am materialistic and cant wait for him to actually buy me a new phone (i didnt even expect him to buy)
3) WP thinks my ex gives me 1300 a month that's why i look for him for support all the time

Supposed to bring kids out today but of course it didnt happen. I wantd to take them out alone but he refused to back off and insisted on following. Taunted me to call the police. I didnt want to but in the end i did (police took so long to call back etc plus they couldn't find my location). I ended up saying i settled the harassment. I called his mum but hanged the call. She called back and he cut the line for me cos he was holding on to my phone. He then kept chasing me telling me sorry and give him another chance to be with me and the kids. I said no. I was traumatised. I managed to get onto a cab at last and called his mum back. She said she tot we were already long over?? I told her i had to call her cos her son didnt wanna go home. She asked me why i just couldn't heck care her son..

WP then showed me a msg that his mom sent him, saying that i was heartless and manipulative and not a gd person. So be it. His sister said i would only drag him down and never lift him up. His dad said i still loved my ex and asked WP not to break me and ex up. OK, i was just bewildered.

Was out with kids and then WP kept bombarding my phone. He cried on the phone telling me i have to take care of myself. file my maintenance, talk to my kids properly. Make sure i dont lose them in future. Work properly in my job, stop lying, pay bills on time, fix all the faulty things in the house. Save money. He said other ppl will attack me at my lowest. Protect my house, control my emotions, be strong minded and dont be so weak. Dont be so naive. So i have to protect myself. Etc.

Reached home and found a letter on my desk. My house keys returned, photo keychain returned. The letter stating all the things he said on the phone. Messages still continue to come in, but this time calling me names again. Tell me that he'll screw some babes tonight and he'll enjoy himself. I took a bus with my 2 kids to his place and returned him the phone with my sim card. Left the phone outside at his shoe rack and left.

Tried to focus on my 2 kids. But ended up sending him a fb msg via my computer. He continued his sarcasm. He was like a changed person. I even started to wonder if he ever really loved me or pretending all this 1 year. I gave up talking. I was devastated. And i'm trying to convince myself he already has someone else. He told me that until i can prove to him that he's the only one i love and rely on then we'll talk. If can't prove then nvm.
 
Ash11

Its totally childish outburst. Leave him m make a police report to protect yourself n start anew.
 
Ash11, I think WP seems to have mood swings and is over possessive. When you do things not within his control, he insulted you. Leave him and move on. You don't owe him anything to deserve such physical and mental abuse.
 
He believe i slept with my ex the night i took the phone from him.
Yet despite everything i dk why is it i can still think of being with WP. I asked myself what will make me let go and it seems that i would only do so if he cheated on me. I hate feeling so pathetic i've been crying since 10am after the kids went out with their dad.
 
Ash11

Hugs ..be strong gal ..i also went thru n am much stronger now ..with or without a man i hv to carry on living...so do u

Cry ..let it out .. then dry yr tears n look up ...see the world doesnt stop moving ...time doesnt stop ...so move on gal...hugs
 
He says we can have a chance again but only if he's convinced i've changed and can show i only love him. He says everyone around him warned him that i might just go back to my ex some day because of the things i do (and how people perceive it). I think i just treat my ex as someone to fall back on when things with WP go haywire... it's like i can never do something for myself or do what's right even after divorcing.
 
Ash11

He's immature that he listen to 'his friends' ... better leave him n start anew ..seriously i wouldnt blink an eye for ppl like him ..no character n poor anger management plus so prideful
 
Ash11,

WP is just too immature and insecure. And you are giving him the impression that there is still that slimmest chance that it is still possible with him. Ignore what he have done for u so far, he is just not the right person for u. Sometimes in life, we have to be the bad guy, be selfish or whatever the villain role we got to take. As long as your ex is still the father to yr kids, there is absolutely no way u can cut off contact with their dad. Too bad if WP doesn't sees it or get this idea thru his head. And he is acting like a little kid throwing tantrums/ picking up quarrel with you cos of that. One day, the blame and unhappiness will go to your kids. He might be upset with them for going out with their dad/ talking about their dad, especially if he have tried so hard and so much to bond with them and playing the stepfather role ? He would, and he will feel the resentment towards your kids for doing that. Trust me, it will happen one day. Do you really want that ?

And stop involving your 2 innocent kids into this messy situation of yours. You broke off with their dad, brought in a new so called fatherly/ new guy into YOUR lives, drama on, quarrel and fight.. and make them happy happy abit by bringing in some joy into their lives with toys/ games/ outing etc.. Then after breaking off, u still have to bring them along to return his phone to his house etc. Pls don't confuse them, one min this person came, the next moment this guy disappear.. and who knows if he comes back again. They are still so young, so pls give them ALL your love to them. The moment u gave birth to them, it will be YOUR responsibility to love, care and nurture them till they are independent enough. Your WP wont die without you, neither would u. Your kids only have you (and yr ex) and you meant the world to them. Pls dont do anything that might potentially harm their emotions or well being. Motherhood is a sacrifice, embrace that. Focus on your kids, and mend back the sour relationship with your parents. That's more important.
 
Candy is right. He might just resent the kids 1 day for not being able to really accept him and want their dad more. It's a new perspective for me. My elder girl also doesn't really like him.. i can tell. Esp when i talk to her, she cannot explain why she doesn't like him. I guess kids just have this.. gut? I mean, she enjoys the fun and will hug him and want him to play with her, but i guess it's really a playmate role that's it. And yea, he won't die without me. Neither will i...
I just walked into my kids room, and sat there looking at them sleeping. I asked myself if i had really ever focused on them for the last 1 year, esp in the last 6 or 8 months. Who knows, i might have been so distracted with my life's drama that i don't even know they're growing closer to their dad and may eventually not want me. In fact, they seem to enjoy their dad's company because of his new gf and her son (who is the same age as my elder girl).
My elder girl did a drawing today. She drew her dad, her dad's gf standing together, and her dad's gf's son. And me too, at the side. She didn't draw WP. Maybe once in 20 drawings. It's the first time she drew her dad's gf and her son. And i also just found out from her that my ex brought his gf and son to his mom's house for dinner last sunday and seems my girls really had a lot of fun. I'm really afraid my girls will want to follow their dad some day. ...
 
Hi! Your thread has reach a total of #96 postings and it is still going round and round. No matter what kind of advises given to you, it just couldn't seems to get into you. Maybe this post of mine could enlighten you a little. :)

Few years ago, I was reading some books and it includes how different people faces different emotional struggles in them. As the topic got deeper, I started to lose track of the book itself.

First of all, you were never alone. Thousands and millions of people are having emotional struggles on a day to day basis but everyone tracks their life journey differently. Why is that so? Because each and everyone of us being brought up differently. Is there right or wrong parents? My answer to that is absolutely no. I have friends till date, still blames their parents for not providing them with luxury lives when they compared themselves with their circle of friends. My answer again, has got nothing to do with their parents. But if I were to tell them that straight into their faces, we would have lost our friendships of over 10 years. Parents in the olden days, have their own struggles to do whatever they could to groom their children and could only hope one day they grow up becoming a professional but with limited resources. Be a doctor, be a lawyer, be a superintendent, etc... now let's get into the main subject.

You did mention your dad abuse you since young. (no judgement call here as my parents abuse me too when I could not get good grades in school. I will be cane hard when I scored 50/100 marks in kindergarten) The abuse over the years had created something in you. I termed it the "familiarity".

As children ages, especially towards their adult-youth stages, many executed the breaking points. Some swear towards abusive people. These people could be their friends, colleagues, boyfriends, etc... Some started to resent their parents knowing they are old enough to self-protect themselves. While some... continue seeking the familiarity feelings around them. This familiarity feeling is so deep in them thus causing them to feel kind of weird/ funny/ new if they could not sense it in someone new to them.

Next is the trend setting. Looking back a little. Your ex is an abuser? Is that the reason why you married to him in the first place? WP is an abuser? Is that also the same reason why you fell head over heels into him?

I do not know your dad, your ex, WP. Even I know them, I hold no right to even comment anything about them. :)

Your thread is all about your relationship. So I only have one question for you.

Do you want to lead a life with an abuser? This is not the same question as in do you want to eat hokkien mee? So there shouldn't be any... but I think... but what if... etc... there should only be a Yes or a No.

Do you want to lead a life with an abuser? Your ex is already in your history book. Assuming WP is also to be included in your history book, do you want to find a brand new abuser guy because of the familiarity feeling? Do you want to fall in love at first sight over a new guy whom you just witnessed how he abused his girlfriend/ children/ maid, etc...?

If you could answer with a Yes or a No, that could more or less made you well aware of your future decisions.

If your answer is Yes, I want to continue leading a life with the familiarity feeling inside of me... these quotes below will just be the exactly right messages you are going to carry wherever you go.

ash11 said:
Yet above all these, i still feel something is missing in this relationship within me...i just can't point out what it is....
Click to expand...

ash11 said:
I closed my eyes this morning and imagined if i were to meet someone new, how would it be? I tried picturing, but it was tough. I pictured WP, and the feeling was complete...
Click to expand...

ash11 said:
it's like a vicious cycle....
Click to expand...

ash11 said:
The funny thing is i dont even wish i would meet a good guy. I don't really want to meet a good guy.
Click to expand...
 
If you notice I did not mention anything about your divorce, children, don't know how to cook, who you dated, etc...

All of these do not matter to a guy who really loves you when you happen to bump into him in real life. And from a guy's point of view, we would rather know less than to know more. We are more concern about the now than the last time. :)
 

hello there...i left for a while, cos i figured no matter what advises were given to me, i still had to execute my rationale in order to really see a better life.... I'm glad to have guys' perspective and views.
Well, there hasn't been much of a change in circumstance, ... he's still as possessive, insecure, and etc etc. What has changed however, or rather i should say what i have found - the answer to the qn I've been wondering the whole time - why am i still holding on.
I thought to myself over the last weekend, and it suddenly dawned on me that i'm holding on because i want my kids to feel like they have a proper family - daddy, mummy, and them. Which is kind of ironic because i was the one who broke the family apart in the first place, and now im talking about feeling bad about not giving them a complete family? I feel like such a... what kind of mom kind of thought....like what rights do i even have to talk about a complete family when i destroyed it in the first place.

I realized that this was largely the reason why i held on because i looked forward to us having outings together - with the kids. But not really looking forward to just "our time" together.. like movies or dinner dates. I feared the quarrels and his questioning, and all his nonsense about my ex. For example, randomly, he would ask me 'so what did your darling talk to u about today'? Or "last night you go where dating?" ... I hated hearing these and would feel stressed around him... in a very blunt way, i was just using my children to "diffuse" the scene or as a distraction. I can't believe i used my kids to protect myself.....

I felt even worse one day, when we were out with the kids and the kids suddenly asked about their dad - 'where's daddy?" (not literally wheres daddy in their life, but location).. and he answered them saying "Your daddy die already". Which stunned my 5 year old and myself - my 3 yr old was still just in her own world not being able to really understand yet. My 5 year old was bewildered and said "die? No! my daddy didnt die!" ... i felt an urge to lash out at him to ask him wth he was telling my kids, but the useless me just kept quiet in order to prevent a quarrel. For i knew if i lashed out at him, we'd end up arguing. In other words, to protect myself and save the torture of a quarrel, i actually let him say such things to my kids and screw their young innocent minds....

I feel i'm not even worth to be a mom, not fit to be a mom. I can think rationally sometimes, but i cant execute anything at all....

I thought to myself - if our parents and friends supported this relationship, would i be happier? If my kids were to really accept him as their new dad, would i be happier? Somehow, i found that i couldn't say yes to any of these qns, and i knew, the answer was myself. I can't get past myself.... its like i'm living a guilty conscience for denying them of their real dad, and a complete family... i rather be single, - at least if i were to be single i don't have to feel this guilt everyday...

He controls my spending because he says now that im supporting the family alone, i cant afford to spend so much on myself. I don't even dare to really eat lunch, or eat late. I used to have breakfast everyday, but i don't buy anymore no matter how hungry i am. He tells me to live within my budget of say $500 a month.. including groceries, daily necessities... we always quarrel about money when i overspend. I got so pissed one day, i asked him if money is all we ever talk about and if it's all that really matters??? He said yes, it's a harsh world. No money, no talk. Can't survive in society and u won't have a voice in society. Nobody will look up to u. Money is not everything but it's important..kids will follow whoever can give them a better life. So he tells me i need to earn more save more to give my kids a better life...

He tries to get me to stop my kids from seeing their dad when their dad comes by to bring them out twice or 3 times a wk. He says i'm just letting my kids go to him and risk losing them.. and says next time they'll just want him and dont want me anymore and i'll regret. Asks me to tell the kids what kind of person their dad is... always go on holiday without a care about the kids. .. etc etc... i mean, why must i do this mental torture to my kids???? He's more "anxious" about me losing my kids next time than i myself. ... i dont want my kids to choose their dad in the end, but i also dont want to deny them from seeing their dad. I mean, he's their dad after all and kids are still kids....
 
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