Dating after divorce

Hi everyone.

After divorced for more than a year, I thought I finally found someone I can spend my life with.
At first I thought it was great to date a widower as he loves her. There will be moments when he will feel down and I told myself to always be understanding even though it affects the mood when we are together.

He still refer to her as "my wife". I didn't want to accept him initially as I felt that he was not emotionally ready since his late wife passed away less than a year. But he moved my heart and I finally accepted him.

However as times goes by, I can feel that he hasn't moved on. And everytime I feel insecure and question if he loves me, he will invalidate my feelings and said he is very tired of explaining. Is it wrong to ask if he loves me?

What is the right amount to accept when he is down and misses his wife?

My marriage ended due to a cheating spouse so obviously I have insecurity issues. Why is it that he is allowed to have downtime and I can't? I have to be that strong cheerful person.

I keep having thoughts now to let him go before I get too emotionally invested. But I don't know if I can find another person like him. What should I do? I keep thinking if he can't even handle emotions, then how to handle our kids?
 


Have to say that when a deceased person is involve (especially the other party love one), that will stay with him forever.
He/she even though may have move on, continue with his/her life, but deep inside them, the person will still be in their heart.
This will carry on for their rest of life, especially if he/she have kids with the other half.
I believe he does love you. But for sure, the love for you won't be that much as of his late wife. I believe you know of his case since the beginning. And I believe you accept him cause you love him too. Hence you need to ask yourself, will you be able to accept such?
You need to overcome your insecurity issue. Otherwise a relationship with suspect her and there, isn't healthy at all.
Unable to handle emotions, doesn't mean unable to handle kids. It does link somewhere, but not entirely due to such.
Like in a failed marriage, he may be a good father, but not a good husband. He may be a good wife, but not a good mother. It all depend on what you want in your life. I don't think there 100% match between two couple. Or probably rare. Hence you need to think well.
 
Have to say that when a deceased person is involve (especially the other party love one), that will stay with him forever.
He/she even though may have move on, continue with his/her life, but deep inside them, the person will still be in their heart.
This will carry on for their rest of life, especially if he/she have kids with the other half.
I believe he does love you. But for sure, the love for you won't be that much as of his late wife. I believe you know of his case since the beginning. And I believe you accept him cause you love him too. Hence you need to ask yourself, will you be able to accept such?
You need to overcome your insecurity issue. Otherwise a relationship with suspect her and there, isn't healthy at all.
Unable to handle emotions, doesn't mean unable to handle kids. It does link somewhere, but not entirely due to such.
Like in a failed marriage, he may be a good father, but not a good husband. He may be a good wife, but not a good mother. It all depend on what you want in your life. I don't think there 100% match between two couple. Or probably rare. Hence you need to think well.
Hi Drain,

Thanks for responding. I understand perfectly that he still loves his wife and it will carry on till he die.
But if you want to move onto a new relationship, I think it's important to not constantly display dispondency and moodiness. You make your partner feel like being with her it's like just filling a void. Hence my question to ask if he loves me.

And constantly mentioning about your wife in front of your partner just makes it feel like you're the 3rd party. Whilst I can understand grieving and I totally support that, I just hope there is some empathy that I'm also human and is vulnerable too. It's not just him back the rights to have downtime.
 
Hi Drain,

Thanks for responding. I understand perfectly that he still loves his wife and it will carry on till he die.
But if you want to move onto a new relationship, I think it's important to not constantly display dispondency and moodiness. You make your partner feel like being with her it's like just filling a void. Hence my question to ask if he loves me.

And constantly mentioning about your wife in front of your partner just makes it feel like you're the 3rd party. Whilst I can understand grieving and I totally support that, I just hope there is some empathy that I'm also human and is vulnerable too. It's not just him back the rights to have downtime.

Yes. I do agreed with you. If want to move into a new relationship, it's better for one to move on first. Probably he's those that wish to have another by his side, as both are in curing stage still. So in a way, can attract one another as well. I know there are some whom are like that. Both just got out of relationship/marriage and both are still in healing stage. Both know about one another state, but feel want to give one another a chance. Hence even both are still thinking about the past, but still they got together, to comfort one another, and to support one another during this stage. But such cases is ok if both are in similar situation. As far can see, seems both of you aren't in similar situation. Hence jumping into a relationship can be a bit difficult for a start.

The bold part is a bit too much. If during 'courting' or 'knowing one another' stage, he mentioned about his ex wife, then I think still ok. But not when both are in the relationship already. As this will strongly effect the other half feeling. Try talk to him about your concern over this. If he continues this way, then you need to reconsider about this relationship. As I feel he will still talk about his ex few years down the road.
 
Yes. I do agreed with you. If want to move into a new relationship, it's better for one to move on first. Probably he's those that wish to have another by his side, as both are in curing stage still. So in a way, can attract one another as well. I know there are some whom are like that. Both just got out of relationship/marriage and both are still in healing stage. Both know about one another state, but feel want to give one another a chance. Hence even both are still thinking about the past, but still they got together, to comfort one another, and to support one another during this stage. But such cases is ok if both are in similar situation. As far can see, seems both of you aren't in similar situation. Hence jumping into a relationship can be a bit difficult for a start.

The bold part is a bit too much. If during 'courting' or 'knowing one another' stage, he mentioned about his ex wife, then I think still ok. But not when both are in the relationship already. As this will strongly effect the other half feeling. Try talk to him about your concern over this. If he continues this way, then you need to reconsider about this relationship. As I feel he will still talk about his ex few years down the road.
Whenever I try to broach this, he will shut me down and say that I overreact. It's like I'm not the understanding one when he is trying so hard to be a happy person for me. I'm confused now cause shouldn't he be happy just being with me and seeing me happy?

Also, everytime I want to share my feelings, he will shut down and then don't talk to me for 2 days. Is this healthy? I'm so afraid to suggest a cool off period cause I know if I do that, I'll lose him. But yet he makes it seem like I'm displaying too much insecurities and it's draining him.
 
Hi everyone.

After divorced for more than a year, I thought I finally found someone I can spend my life with.
At first I thought it was great to date a widower as he loves her. There will be moments when he will feel down and I told myself to always be understanding even though it affects the mood when we are together.

He still refer to her as "my wife". I didn't want to accept him initially as I felt that he was not emotionally ready since his late wife passed away less than a year. But he moved my heart and I finally accepted him.

However as times goes by, I can feel that he hasn't moved on. And everytime I feel insecure and question if he loves me, he will invalidate my feelings and said he is very tired of explaining. Is it wrong to ask if he loves me?

What is the right amount to accept when he is down and misses his wife?

My marriage ended due to a cheating spouse so obviously I have insecurity issues. Why is it that he is allowed to have downtime and I can't? I have to be that strong cheerful person.

I keep having thoughts now to let him go before I get too emotionally invested. But I don't know if I can find another person like him. What should I do? I keep thinking if he can't even handle emotions, then how to handle our kids?

if he is not ready to let go of his wife and you are not ready to let go of your past, i think it is going to be very tough. cos neither of you is going to be able to support the other person. if i'm you, i think i would ask myself, would i rather stay with a man who misses his wife so much that he is moody or would i rather walk this life alone. if you are still unsure whether is him or your own insecurity issues, perhaps pull back a bit and observe both him and yourself.
 
if he is not ready to let go of his wife and you are not ready to let go of your past, i think it is going to be very tough. cos neither of you is going to be able to support the other person. if i'm you, i think i would ask myself, would i rather stay with a man who misses his wife so much that he is moody or would i rather walk this life alone. if you are still unsure whether is him or your own insecurity issues, perhaps pull back a bit and observe both him and yourself.

I have already let go. He hasn't. That's why he thinks I should always be the one supporting him. Even when he emo, I cannot emo.

I'm taking a step back now and see where things go. But right now, we're giving each other the cold shoulder and it's not feeling great.
 
I have already let go. He hasn't. That's why he thinks I should always be the one supporting him. Even when he emo, I cannot emo.

I'm taking a step back now and see where things go. But right now, we're giving each other the cold shoulder and it's not feeling great.
I would think tt’s good that both of you for taking a break from each other to sort out exactly what do both of you want out of this relationship.

Anyway, his wife had passed on < a year this is naturally he’s still at the grieving stage & will be difficult for him to let go so soon but there again tt if he insists to carry in behaving in the same manner than my conclusion tt not worth to waste ur time, love & effort over this guy.

Moreover, he should be empathy with your past and to provide you the assurance instead of being emo and inconsiderate.

Do have a good thorough thought about this during this cool off period. All the best
 
I have already let go. He hasn't. That's why he thinks I should always be the one supporting him. Even when he emo, I cannot emo.

I'm taking a step back now and see where things go. But right now, we're giving each other the cold shoulder and it's not feeling great.


Not the right timing. Sometimes it’s like that.
 
I would think tt’s good that both of you for taking a break from each other to sort out exactly what do both of you want out of this relationship.

Anyway, his wife had passed on < a year this is naturally he’s still at the grieving stage & will be difficult for him to let go so soon but there again tt if he insists to carry in behaving in the same manner than my conclusion tt not worth to waste ur time, love & effort over this guy.

Moreover, he should be empathy with your past and to provide you the assurance instead of being emo and inconsiderate.

Do have a good thorough thought about this during this cool off period. All the best

Thanks. I only haven't spoke to him for 2 days and I'm already going crazy. I know it's good to take a step back and think things thru. But from his last msg to me, it does seem like he has already given up. I didn't respond and not sure how soon I should to get a closure.
 
TS,

From my pov, I do agreed with the rest. Such man isn't worth to hold you back. Waste of time. In a relationship, one shouldn't talk about their ex, worst is refer as 'husband' or 'wife'. This is ridiculous! Sounds like he hasn't move on as well, and just using you to cure his loneliness/sadness. And he too cannot accept and even reprimand you when you are down/sad. What a MCP guy! Moreover still ignore you for 1-2 days, when this isn't even your fault. Wake up TS, and move on! Am sure you can find another better!
 
Thanks. I only haven't spoke to him for 2 days and I'm already going crazy. I know it's good to take a step back and think things thru. But from his last msg to me, it does seem like he has already given up. I didn't respond and not sure how soon I should to get a closure.
Hi TS,

You dun need any closure for such selfish relationship. Please move on for your better
No time waste for such. Give ur attention & priority to ur kids, if any.
 
My pov...

Both of u are grieving and need support. One grief her loss marriage, one grief his loss wife.. the issue now is who comfort/assure who first.

You actually wanted him to move on so he can comfort you.

He, still grieving over the death of his love.
The dead person WAS his wife his life. She is DEAD, passed on, no more around...

bluntly say if (touch wood)... u wan to see your husband comforting another woman less than a yr u move to heaven? (Touch wood)
U hv found yourself a great guy here.

Time will heal. But now is too soon.

Do remember, a LIVING person destroyed your marriage. A dead person can't even take what you gave up.

He can continue addressing her as his wife. Say 1 year later, stil address as his wife... 2 years later...

Unless, you fail to make a presence around his family and friends, if not, even if he don't find it odd, others will tell him to respect your presence.

Give him time. Learn to empathise. As much as u need assurance, helping him tide through his grief is your priority if u treasure your relationship w him.

Through thick and thin.. that's true love.

Most important, accept his dead wife and respect his grief. Once u pull thru it, he will b wholly yours.
 
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My pov...

Both of u are grieving and need support. One grief her loss marriage, one grief his loss wife.. the issue now is who comfort/assure who first.

You actually wanted him to move on so he can comfort you.

He, still grieving over the death of his love.
The dead person WAS his wife his life. She is DEAD, passed on, no more around...

bluntly say if (touch wood)... u wan to see your husband comforting another woman less than a yr u move to heaven? (Touch wood)
U hv found yourself a great guy here.

Time will heal. But now is too soon.

Do remember, a LIVING person destroyed your marriage. A dead person can't even take what you gave up.

He can continue addressing her as his wife. Say 1 year later, stil address as his wife... 2 years later...

Unless, you fail to make a presence around his family and friends, if not, even if he don't find it odd, others will tell him to respect your presence.

Give him time. Learn to empathise. As much as u need assurance, helping him tide through his grief is your priority if u treasure your relationship w him.

Through thick and thin.. that's true love.

Most important, accept his dead wife and respect his grief. Once u pull thru it, he will b wholly yours.
Wow very profound perspective. Actually, his devotion for his late wife was one of the reasons why I was drawn to him. But bear in mind that he can be a great guy but doesn't mean he loves me. He could just use me as a life bouy. Question now is how long can I take it? If I go thru thick and thin and later he say he cannot get over his wife or his daughter cannot accept me.

Then what am I supposed to do? I'll be old and emotionally invested by then
 
If everyone knows the future, life will b boring.

Walk the path of life, no choice.

If it's a 1 sided thingy, then of course, pls move on.
 
TS,
Griefing over the lost of wife less than 1 year..sounds still short to me.

You should give him more time since u know about his case when you "boyfriended" him and accepted this new relationship. He needed emotional suppoort..n you will there to give.

I still feel he may not be ready to accept a new relationship. And hence his attutidue to you.

If you love him..you will have to give time...if not walk away cos you, yourself, wanted to be love quickly..unable to fill that void in your heart quickly would just make you unahppy and start to have doubts.
 
TS,
Griefing over the lost of wife less than 1 year..sounds still short to me.

You should give him more time since u know about his case when you "boyfriended" him and accepted this new relationship. He needed emotional suppoort..n you will there to give.

I still feel he may not be ready to accept a new relationship. And hence his attutidue to you.

If you love him..you will have to give time...if not walk away cos you, yourself, wanted to be love quickly..unable to fill that void in your heart quickly would just make you unahppy and start to have doubts.

Everyone says the same thing. It's too short. But he said he connected with me really well and he knows for sure I won't wait for him for a year and he didn't want to miss. There is never a right timing to fall in love.

He said he had moved on but of course there will be periods of waves of grief to deal with. And that his love for her will go on till he die. Which is why based on that, I accepted him.

At first, everything was sweet and nice for the first two months. But as I get to know him better, he stopped all the nice things and gets moody very easily. Then when I bring up the topic that he hasn't gotten over, he will get frustrated and said he already explained before that we're two different thing. Me and his wife live in his parrallel love world.
 
TS,
Can only say he doesn't know his feeling as well. He too jump into this relationship too fsst. Thinking he may overcome as time passes. But like the rest mentioned, even 1yr down, i believe he will still be like that. Connection is there, but not deep enough.
You need ask yourself. Are you willing to be with him, while he still grieving over his ex wife for the next 1 or maybe more years? If not, move on. Frankly speaking, two months dating is still consider short. It shouldn't take you long to overcome it, and move on. Am sure you can find another one.
 
Everyone says the same thing. It's too short. But he said he connected with me really well and he knows for sure I won't wait for him for a year.

At first, everything was sweet and nice for the first two months. But as I get to know him better, he stopped all the nice things and gets moody very easily. Then when I bring up the topic that he hasn't gotten over, he will get frustrated and said he already explained before that we're two different thing. Me and his wife live in his parrallel love world.

Actually whatever we say do not matter, it’s how you accept it.

We say let go but you cannot let go.

You want to continue but afraid your investment yield no returns.

In your exact words -
At first, everything was sweet and nice for the first two months. - this is the him which you accepted.
But as I get to know him better, he stopped all the nice things and gets moody very easily. - This is his true self.

Then when I bring up the topic that he hasn't gotten over, he will get frustrated and said he already explained before that we're two different thing. Me and his wife live in his parrallel love world. - This is the self which you cannot accept.

A lot of women, including myself before, get involved in the hope of changing somebody thinking their LOVE can change a person. BUT for a change to be effected, the person must be willing n involved in the change.

Ask yourself for example, you going to invest a share in the stock market, the price is (how you value yourself), the stock went up for 2 months already, suddenly it just dropped, in additional, you were told the returns may be 50% n don’t know when it will bounced back to the peak you experienced in the first 2 months. what will you do?

I will sell straight away loh. Cut losses, Wait for another chance to go in again. If no more chances, so be it cuz it was never meant to be mine. Right?
 
Thanks everyone for the sound advices. It's really heartwarming to see ppl offering help and a listening ear.

From my failed marriage, I suffered depression and fear of abandonment. I have no one to turn to as I didn't tell my friends of this relationship as it's still at an early stage. Having this forum was a let out for me.
 
Thanks everyone for the sound advices. It's really heartwarming to see ppl offering help and a listening ear.

From my failed marriage, I suffered depression and fear of abandonment. I have no one to turn to as I didn't tell my friends of this relationship as it's still at an early stage. Having this forum was a let out for me.
Hi TS,

Do remember you are not alone, we are all here to give you all the support and listening ears. Build your confidence and you will be all fine, jia you!
 
I have already let go. He hasn't. That's why he thinks I should always be the one supporting him. Even when he emo, I cannot emo.

I'm taking a step back now and see where things go. But right now, we're giving each other the cold shoulder and it's not feeling great.
letting go probably means you need to stop feeling insecure because you have a cheating ex spouse, unless your current bf misconducted and caused you to feel so. If you think this relationship cannot work out, then end it early before anyone get hurts. just my 2 cents.
 
I’m a divorcee. Seriously I do admire pple here dating after a failure in marriage. For me, I probably choose not to date. It can be pretty messy, like for example I accompany my ex wife for medical appt, having dinner with her and my son... allowing her to use my car as and when she need and esp over weekend. I’m pretty sure that whoever I’m dating won’t be happy with me. So I reckon that best is for me to stay single. Can be quite lonely at times. That’s life........
 
Haven't login for a while. Thanks everyone for your inputs. Unfortunately things didn't work out for us then as expected.

@evolutionmr I think you need to understand that there were things he did to make me feel insecure too. The emotions don't just come up from nowhere. But anyway will keep in mind for future.

@johntan68 That's quite an interesting relationship you have with your ex wife. Maybe cause it was an amicable divorce? Well, guess just have to re-assure your partner (if there ever is one) Don't deprive yourself, we only live once and should be entitled to love, unless you're ok with being alone.
 
Haven't login for a while. Thanks everyone for your inputs. Unfortunately things didn't work out for us then as expected.

@evolutionmr I think you need to understand that there were things he did to make me feel insecure too. The emotions don't just come up from nowhere. But anyway will keep in mind for future.

@johntan68 That's quite an interesting relationship you have with your ex wife. Maybe cause it was an amicable divorce? Well, guess just have to re-assure your partner (if there ever is one) Don't deprive yourself, we only live once and should be entitled to love, unless you're ok with being alone.
Hi Sis, I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work for you and your partner, but I guess at this moment of time, cut loss will be a better idea as if you invest too much emotions into this RS, you may ended up with more disappointment and hurt. Perhaps you could still find a better one in the near future, what’s more important is to open your hearts. Anyway I believe that you also need time to heal yourself emotionally and to rebuild your confident towards man. One thing for man or at least for myself,if a woman treat me well, i will always be grateful and will reciprocate. So if you treat your future partner well, just be confident that he will stick with you.

For myself, your guess is correct, my divorce with my ex is amicable one, we divorce not due to cheating... anyway, We still in good talking term. But i guess you are right. It is time for myself to open up too as at time, it can be quite lonely with empty rooms.
 

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