some jokes to start your day right
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once more.
Two asses come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one last time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about sex? I'm a just tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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A dad calls home.
Dad: Hello?
Boy: Hello...
Dad: Hey son, pass the phone to Mom.
(A few moments later...)
Boy: Sorry, dad. Mom's busy. I think the mailman is with her in the room...naked.
Dad: WHAT THE F***?! Son, do me a favor. Go to the drawer beside the tv and there should be a gun in there. I want you to kill those mofos for me. Don't worry, I'll hold myself responsible.
Boy: Ok.
(There was silence for a moment and soon two gunshots were heard.)
Boy: Ok dad. I've killed both of them. Mom laid dead on the bed and the mailman fell out the window and into the pool outside.
(Dad remained silent for a while)
Dad: We had a pool? Is this the Simmons family?
Boy: No. This is the Tan family.
"Dad": Sorry wrong number...
rganic brown rice cereal 
