hey all... i din hv a m/c so i hv never been here but somehow i juz clicked on the thread today. juz wan to share my little rachael's story and hope to make you feel better.
rachael was born with a lot of complications steming from her chromosome disorder. you can actually read abt her here...
http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/5/288318.html?1131932731
but wat i want to tell you all is that pls do not blame yourself or anyone else for your m/c. blame will only make u hold onto the hurt even longer. my family doc once told me that i shouldnt hv 'saved' her, as nature makes its own selection, and its survivial of the fittest. if the baby is not strong enough to survive the pregnancy, just let him go. rachael is a perfect example of holding on for the wrong reasons. the irony is i'm a strong pro-choice person, and had decided before i even ttc tat i will give up my child if i detected the slightest prob, but in the end, i did not. i always tell ppl i play the devil's advocate cos i always tell ppl their m/c and D&C is for a good reason, but pls believe me when i say you wouldnt want to lead the life our family has led for the past 2 years.
in my 4th week, i started having very bad cramps and had to rush to A&E 2 times. the egg was so small and weak that the urine test & v-scan could not confirm my pregnancy and i had to do a blood test cos they suspect ectopic. when i went to see my own gynea at 5weeks, its was still the same situation, and we only saw the small egg via v-scan. the gynea said it was only 50% of the avg size, so he wasnt too positive abt the pregnancy and told me to be prepared for a m/c. it broke my heart cos it was my 1st pregnancy. he sent me home w/o anything to 'wait and see'. i was extremely sad cos it was my birthday tat day plus i had an open hse (we were newly weds). as the guests came, i had to hide the news of my pregnancy cos i dun wan to hv to explain in future tat i've lost the baby. 1 of my close frens knew and recommended me to her gynea, who had delivered her child & her sis's 3 kids, and was known to be very expert in 'saving' babies, tats why he was conferred 'datuk' by a m'sian sultan for saving his grandchild.
i went to tis gynea who immediately told me the baby can be saved, gave me regular jabs & med, till my pregnancy was more stable. but the downside was i had severe MS till my 16th week, but i bore with it knowing tat its a worthwhile sacrifice. i had a lot of regular scans, nothing was detected, blood test was great, so when we discovered a white dot in her heart, we took faith tat it could be nothing and din go for amnio.
nothing much happened after that, and we marvelled each time we see our baby in the scans, growing well, playing. i ate 2-3 pax amount each meal and everyday was juz abt where and wat to eat. hubby and i were in bliss, waiting in anticipation for the arrival of our little angel. i had false contractions around 38weeks, and finally had labour pains in my 39. however, i had 10mins contractions for nearly 5hours but cervix still not dilated. finally, i decided to go for c-sec cos i was afraid baby will be in danger.
when i finally returned to my ward, happy the ordeal was over & eager to see my baby, hubby brought her to me, then quickly took her away saying she's a bit weak and needed to stay in icu for a while. i din think much, so juz happily sms my frens to inform them and chatted with those who came to see me. the bad news was broken to me in a totally lousy way. when my gynea came to see me 7am next morn, i juz casually asked if my baby was ok, and my whole world crashed from the moment he said 'no'. i started questioning him and he juz told me to speak to the PD who will come by later. when i called my hubby to verify, he was already on his way down with my sis as he couldnt break the news to me himself. when they came, we spoke to the PD and all 3 of us cried so badly. i'm near tears now as i write this as i can still feel the heartache we felt at tat moment.
to cut the long story short, rachael was subsequently diagonsed with a whole host of problems, and we were actually told to be prepared to lose her when she was juz 2 weeks. as we had shut ourselves from everyone except our close family, i quickly called our frens to ask them to come see rachael, for the last time. they all rushed down from work and we all gathered around rachael and cried. despite her conditions, rachael was born with an angelic face, and it was really painful to think tat she is leaving us so soon. i was really depressed as i couldnt accept the fact tat i went thru such a tough pregnancy, almost gave up my job, had a terrible labour, went under the knife, just to lose my baby in the end.
everyone tot i would sink into depression, but thankfully, i didnt. ever tho i was angry and upset that i wasnt allowed to go and see rachael often, i eventually braced myself cos of my husband. i could see his tiredness from running between the hospital and coming home to see me crying, and had to comfort me. i got myself out of depression becos i couldnt bear to see him in such a bad state. i know that i cannot add to his worries and had to recover from my op well so i can take care of my baby. for men, they cant juz cry and rant like us. they keep it inside them, and its doubly hurting.
we went thru really rough patches. hubby had to be posted 6mths in US and i had to cope with work, her hospitalisations and tons of appts with 11 docs and 3 therapists with the help of a maid and our parents. we had so many scares and the worst one was she was admitted straight to ICU and we tot we would lose her then. hubby was so far away that when he finally got a tix and returned, rachael was already out of danger. but that was 2 years ago. rachael is now 25mths, gone thru 6 operations, still have at least 3-4 more to go. she has global development delay, cant feed thru her mouth, and can only take milk. i've also stopped working for a year already as i cannot cope with her frequent hospitalisations and work. i only recently hired another maid, to train her so i can maybe return to work next year, if rachael doesnt have anymore ops, as i will stay there whole day with her when she is warded.
sorry for the ultra long post (it would be even longer if i tell u all the complications from her ops!), but i juz wanted to share this with all to ease the pain in your heart. our hardship is nothing compared to seeing rachael cry from pain and discomforts from her problems and her operations. the most 'memorable' heartache was once when she was discharged from a 5 day stay with more than 50 puncture holes on her hands and feet, as she has very difficult to access veins and they needed her blood for tests. till now, i still avoid being the person to hold her down for blood taking cos i cannot bear with the heartache.
altho we hv accepted our lives as it is now, and feel extremely blessed tat rachael is loved and accepted by so many ppl, i really wish no one else has to go thru wat we have. so pls, tho i know its very hard, but take comfort that your unborn child did not have to go thru all this. we still do not know how long rachael will stay with us, but we know that one day when she finally gets away from all these sufferings, we will smile with tears in our eyes, and like u, miss our angel terribly but know she is in a better place.
we feel that rachael's 'mission on earth' is to spread love thru her story and i hope rachael's story has helped you in some way. i apologise if it has not, but pls show a little more love to your loved ones while you still can. take care.