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! Should i divorce with him

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by jojolpp, Aug 5, 2010.

  1. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    mummies, feeling so lost now. I have catch my hubby having affair for 6 times during our 13 years marriage. We have 3 kids, 12yo, 3yo and 10month. T first 5 i choose to forgive him even dough 1 of time is his cousin as he still care for this us. But the recently one which he can completely hex care abt us....

    As his working hrs is irregualr, so when he went out at nite i will tot he is working nv expect him to lie to me as go accompany tat gal. I hv a talk with tat gal, she didnt knw tat he is married. My hubby told her he already divorce with me 1 yr ago. He really a gd liar which we both agreed. He can actually told tat gal he wan to go ROM with her next year, when we r still married. Is he planning to divorce me or lie to her only he knw. The most hurting part is he can actually ask me take cab take my 10months old baby hm when she was dicharge from hospital due to some accident also dun wan to come fetch us juz to fetch tat gal go hm from work, and ask me to take bus hm from work and fetch all the kids from my mum hsg and take bus hm again and he go fetch tat gal hm. He has nv treat us in this way even in his past 5 affair. He will send us hm safety b4 he go meet them, but this one was totally different. He can also told me he go work overnite for 2 days juz to go chalet with her, when i call him up told him my baby is having fever he also nv bother to come back but continue to stay there with her....I told him i wan a divorce coz he really too much and from the above i can c who is more important to him. He beg me to give him 1 last chance, he say he is tired of all the flirting and wan to STOP liao. He wan me to give him 1 more chance to let him prove to me, but i dun trust him anymore and will feel miserable whenever i think of hw he treat me and tat gal. Tat gal even told me he told her he married me tat time is becoz of shot gun nt becoz he love me and he has nv love me b4. U knw when i heard of it my heart is bleeding. He keep saying he love me, my kids and tis family but other hand told other gal he nv love me. I knw i got no lok and figure tat y he nv wan to hold or hug me in public coz he feel i'm a shame to him. Yet to other gal he can hold them tight in public. Wat have i done to deserve all this....i care for the family and in the end sad to say tat i have married a guy who has nv love me b4 and waste my 13 yrs of marriage...He keep saying he really love me which i cant feel at all. He say since i so hearless wan to divorce him then dun blame him for more hearless than me. He say he wan custordy of my 2nd son which is 3yo. Hv call up lawyer his advise was he can nv get the 2nd and 3rd kids as they are too young and will sure go to mummy. as for my eldest son he is big enough to make decision liao.

    Problem is should i give him chance again becoz of my kids, will he really chance....feel so trouble....wat can i do...can anyone give me advise......
     
  2. emeraldy

    emeraldy New Member

    Guess it's time to let go, for he don't repent at all. Doing it over and over again. Knowing you will be soft-hearted enough to forgive him and return to him. He already caught your weakness..... Hope you can realist it.
     
  3. redqueen

    redqueen New Member

    hmmm 5 times is a lot come to think of it, what will 1 more time do? Talk to a habitual gambler borrowing money, he will sound similar. I will not believe what he says.
     
  4. valdena

    valdena Member

    Hi,

    I would say u shld follow ur head and not ur heart.

    Logically u know exactly what u need to do.
    Unknowing to u, emotionally u try to deceive the truth.

    He simply don't deserve any more chance.
    It doesn't matter if u r attactive or not, it does not give him a reason to look else wer.

    Pls also don't take too serious abt wat that gal tells u. U nv know if wat she say is the truth or not, if she has any other motive or intention.

    Don't bother to find out more abt that gal n ur hubby. Bcos the more u know, the more u will feel hurt.

    Whether or not u were to forgive ur hubby, learn to overcome ur fear. B it the fear of leaving him or the fear of being betray again. When u manage to overcome the fear, u will b able to take things lightly n move on.

    If u need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.
    May u b strong n brave.

    Val
     
  5. emeraldy

    emeraldy New Member

    Yes, as from what Val said. Nvr listen to that gal nor your hubby on what they have to say abt the affair. The more you listen, the more hurt you'll be. For... I had walked the same route. Where the gal simply told me everything that my hubby told her. I'm slashed a thousand time. The wounds can never heal, forever.

    Please do not feel afraid to lose someone. For, you're depriving a chance for yourself to find someone else much better... whom who deserved your loyalty and your love.

    I truly wish you well.... Hope happiness can come your way.
     
  6. owlgrass

    owlgrass New Member

    Learn to let go. Time would heal your wound. Since this is the 6th times, there would be more.
     
  7. marjassg

    marjassg Member

    the worse part is if he is having affairs but treat family well, then maybe is ok. But he treat TOW better your kids, so what u waiting for.
     
  8. sharon_ang

    sharon_ang Member

    sometimes, to stop him from doing it again, u must teach him a good lesson eg get lawayer to write a divorce petition. Then he knows u means serious, maybe he won't do it again.
     
  9. littlewoman

    littlewoman New Member

    Joanne: A leapord won't change its spots, especially for one who repeat the actions umpteen times.

    Are you sure you can continue to love this man? A man who betrays the wedding vows and wedding not once, not twice but 6 times? If he doesn't want to change, no person can make the changes for him either.

    I am surprised on your tolerance level but the bottomline is do you still believe his words, his promises? How many people actually make promises that it will be the last but yet repeating the same thing again and again?

    Perhaps it is realli time to review the marriage, the love and the vows?
     
  10. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, i'm really useless...i decided to give him another chance for the sake of my 3 kids. Since he said wan me to believe him 1 last time and give him 1 last chance...he say he tired of of all the flirting and wan to stop which he has nv say he wan to stop b4 in his past affair, he only say he will try nt to but this time he say he wan to stop...i choose to believe him 1 more time becoz i really love him alot...i knw i'm useless, maybe he will or will not change but in the meantime i still choose to believe, am i deceive myself....haiz....
     
  11. emeraldy

    emeraldy New Member

    Joanne,
    Is there a possibility that the feeling you had for him is not love? but dependency? You are so used to him that you fear losing him, having him out of your life? Have you differentiated it?
     
  12. eml_

    eml_ New Member

    during this period of get together, you may really want to pull yourself up and learn to be more independent emotionally. Get him to be more involved in the caring of the children, and have more dedicated, quality family time together, even simple activity like having dinner together at home, a stroll together at the park. Its important to talk thoroughly what both of you hope to achieve and work together towards the same goal. if you just let the matter pass without having a proper discussion, am afraid that things may just happen again. Guys like to procrastinate alot and takes a long time to action, in my opinion.
     
  13. september

    september Active Member

    One of his affair is his cousin? Then how can u still live with it? When u meet his cousin not paiseh meh?

    Did u think wat is he real purpose of keeping u by his side? for his parent sake so they can see their grandchildren? for his selfish reason, tat he can see his children and same time enjoy flirting outside coz he noe u nv leave him?
     
  14. littlewoman

    littlewoman New Member

    Joanne: we are not the parties, and thus, I won't say if it is right or wrong for you to choose the option and forgive him once again. However, you might wan to pre-empt this for yourself, talk can be empty unless actions are taken and time is the only factor that determines if he realli mean what he says.

    Not that we do not want to wish you all the best but you have to also be stronger too; coz harsh reality might prove otherwise and he might still carry on his such affairs eventually.

    You are not in self-denial but more to the fact whereby you are finding reasons to justifying your decision and actions. Only you can answer to why is that so.

    Do not trust him easily again, coz trust is to be earned and not commanded. Take things slowly to rebuild the marriage, spend some time together and see how it proceeds from there.
    Hope things are better from now onwards. [​IMG]
     
  15. dracano

    dracano New Member

    Joanne,

    Your hb sounds like an habitual adulterer for committing one affair after another, despite already being found out.

    Since you've agreed to give him another chance, what I would advise you to make it clear and firmly to him that if he is make the same mistake of getting into an affair again, you will not compromise and proceed to file for divorce etc. Putting the terms in black and white may help too, depending on how you feel your hb will react to it.

    Meanwhile, figure out what are his Push factors (can't do much about those Pull factors frankly) and see if you can work towards them. He seems to be pretty concerned of his children (at least the son he wanted to fight custody for) so that could be the direction you could head towards. Be proactive in getting him involved in bonding time with the children and suggest family outings or trips to keep him busy and use up his excess energy so he won't have extra time/energy for any affairs.

    All the best!
     
  16. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    Im very sorry to hear that.. Maybe both you and your husband should go for counciling.. Go for a few sessions of good counciling... I hope it will ring his bell that what he is doing wont last. At least for the sake of your 3 lovely kids, one last try for counciling.. a real try..

    I believe some pple will change..

    My husband was a habitual gambler for the 1st 5 yeas and i brought him to IMH for counciling and we went for marriage counciling too. He has stopped from there for 5 gd years... I really thank God for that..

    I also cried myself to sleep for months and months... wondering why cant i have a normal husband..
     
  17. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, thanks for the advice. Frankly speaking, i dunno whether will he really serious in changing but since i choose to forgive him then i will let him hv time to prove to me. Is not tat i cant leave him or depend too much on him..I'm a FTWM, i can support myself and the kids even without him but sometime tin will not always turn out to be wat we wan..i still hv 3 kids to consider, he love the kids and tat's the fact...since he make a vow he really wan to change y not i juz believe him 1 last time be it for the sake of the kids or our marriage...

    Diana, i dun think i shld feel paiseh to c his cousin while it shld be the other way round, his cousin shld feel peiseh when c me...coz she make herself a slut and shameful by doing all those tin...my MIL and FIL already knw abt it and they hv also make it know to all the relative on hw shameful they r....so u think who shld feel peiseh......

    Cheer, will counciling really help..think to go but juz afraid huby dun agree...is it free?
     
  18. september

    september Active Member

    Joanne,

    Sorry,i am awkward lah....but of coz it is true tat she shld feel shameful lor....wow, so the whole clan of relative know! then she muz be hiding away le and can imagine how shameful her parents will feel.
     
  19. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    here is the link http://app1.mcys.gov.sg/IssuesTopics/StrongandStableFamilies/SupportingFamilies/FamilyServiceCentrestoSupportFamilies.aspx

    You can select the one nearest to your place.
    Previously, i went to fei yue.. I always recommend pple to go for counciling 1st before jumping into divorce coz im a living example.. From walking into marriage with divorce in my head to now, we just have our 1st bb.. 11 mths old... and he is a loving father.. Our journey was a very long and winding one.. We are the last in our group of friends to afford to start a family.

    You are so brave to have come so far.. to have endure for so many years, you really should go just 1 more step. I really hope that things will work out for your family.. and you will know what i meant by some pple will change..

    Many other very very successful woman also forgive their husbands and their relationship is so much stronger and they are so much closer compared to before. I know of 2 successful cases.. My colleage is also telling me that he is gg to divorce his wife and i strongly encourage him to bring his wife to counciling too.

    But of course, to walk through this, its not going to be easy.. but at least give it a last try..

    I sincerely wish you the best. Pray hard gal..
     
  20. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    For my husband case, he also refuse to go initially... but try to convince him..

    Or maybe u said you Want to go and he has to go with you.. Instead of asking if he Wants to go or not..

    that is the 1st hurdle.. JIA YOU! JIA YOU! JIA YOU!
     
  21. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    Sorry, I forget to answer your question coz too much to tell you. I think it should be free coz these are non profit organisation. The one i went to is free.
     
  22. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Diana, sorry to say tat slut dun feel shameful at all..she can srill act nth happen. Really feel like give her 1 big tight slap on her face when c her face..dun think she will feel shameful la coz think she use to be a slut lor...think my hubby is nt the first relative she approach liao lor, b4 him think she did wan to seduce other cousin but unsuccessful...only my cheap hubby cannot control her seduce lor....really a slut, feel shameful for her parents.....
     
  23. mikerdema

    mikerdema New Member

    Joanne,
    just read your story and I think you are really a great woman to forgive him.

    Do your best to salvage and change him for this time. Let it be your last chance to him ... get all necessary help like counselling. And give your best shot!

    But if it happens for 7th time, you have to be firm ... move on and start afresh. It is not about 13 years with him so far, but how you want to lead your life with your 3 kids for the rest of the 60 years.

    All the best!
     
  24. rhyea

    rhyea New Member

    Joanne,

    He has hurt you so many times and you are still willing to forgive him. You are a brave and strong wife and mother.

    As many others have suggested, it might be good for both of you to go for marriage counseling. Maybe can try to let your parents/ in laws take care of the kids for a few hours every week and have some couple time and rekindle your love for each other again. Some men might feel neglected coz you have been devoting so much time taking care of your young ones.
     
  25. holeyman1

    holeyman1 New Member

    From a man's point of view ::

    Leopard cannot change its spot (Believe it)

    Harsh reality is ::

    Leave him now, your children will thank you later
     
  26. kkf

    kkf Active Member

    why is there such a man! i really think you shd get out of this marriage.

    Since he doesn't treasure you and the family, why still hang on to him?

    If he treasures, he will go stray for so many times!

    Be strong. life still goes on. If one door closes, another door will open.
     
  27. fuchsialover

    fuchsialover New Member

    he is never going to change... if he had wanted to, he would have..
     
  28. mimi_wg

    mimi_wg Member

    Yes, a married man who loves to flirt with womans will never change easily jus bcoz of kids & u. A promise to change is only a temporary one & not a forever change. u should know after 6years being with him. (no happiness)..life without him, will you be more happy?
     
  29. chocoboo

    chocoboo New Member

    Just follow ur heart, keep moving forward. [​IMG]
     
  30. udayavani

    udayavani New Member

    You have wrote all abt yr hubby and how you care for yr kids & family..you must be a very busy women taking care of 3 kids...kudos to u =)

    but did you spend quality time with yr hubby? were you there when he needed you?
    In the time of sexual needs..where you there for him?


    best thing is to sit down and have a heart to heart chat with yr hubby. No need to scream and be patient. Go to a quiet place and talk without yr children.
    i am sure this relation will work.
     
  31. angie2288

    angie2288 New Member

    I agree with most of the ladies here. I think your life will be much better off without him. and all the more better for the kids too. He's not setting a good example for the kids.
    This guy needs a good kick in the ass! He doesn't know he's so blessed with a wonderful wife and 3 beautiful kids.
    He must have been having too much free time, and nothing much to worry about. life's been too good for him, until he gets bored and finding funny things to do.
    Time to move on, Joanne. Be brave. Like you've said you've wasted 13 yrs in this marriage, so what now? Waste another 13 yrs living in misery?? Haiz....
     
  32. snowpet

    snowpet New Member

    The answer is YES. To me, the 1st time is also the last time. I told myself No more 2nd chance... i'm sure we are all independent now to raise up the kids...thou separation is hard on all ....
     
  33. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, sorry that i may have disappointed many of u here. I have forgive him coz of my love for him. During this period i can sense changes in him. All the tin he nv did in the past, he is nw doing it. I do not know his changes is temp or perm but i do not wan to think so much nw. He has been spend lot of times with the kids nw, show more care and love for me nw, so i choose to give him 1 last chance tis time, hopefully he is the exception case tat will really change and tresaure wat he hv...
     
  34. pooh3bear

    pooh3bear Active Member

    Joanne,
    be strong and Jia You for yourself and for your kids!! it takes alot of love and determination to forgive your hb for this repeated cheating... But the decision to stay tog or to leave him, all lies with you. i hope he will wake up fm his foolish ways and learn to be a responsible and good husband and father to u n ur kids...

    What happen to u, reminds me of my friend's situation years ago...when her hb cheats on her repeatingly..
     
  35. todecide

    todecide Member

    do what you think is right, as it is your life afterall. it's been 13 years already, to get a divorce now i believe you'll be quite lost too. it's definately very difficult to separate...

    all the best to you! for being able to look at the bright side :)
     
  36. mimi_wg

    mimi_wg Member

    Hi Joanne,
    It takes courage to forgive him but his many years hurt to you is not easily forgotten, just need to mentally prepared that "history may repeat" again...(hope that yr hubby really "wake up" this round.) best wishes to u
     
  37. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Thanks all of u for ur concern. Nw i can finally feel his love, hv a feel of going back to dating time [​IMG]
     
  38. penguins4u

    penguins4u New Member

    Joanne,
    Pls be strong. I was halfway my divorce last time. But I forgave him after his much persuasions. I can't feel for you but I can tell you going through divorce or making a choice to really divorce a guy u have spent so many years with is no easy feat, especially when you have kids.
    On an objective opinion, I would still suggest a divorce cos a leopard will never change its spot. I used this on my husband every time.
    But since you've made a decision to stay with him, please protect yourself. For example, if you are the one paying for S&P, do it by giro from your single account. Childcare and school fees if it's paid by you. Keep the receipt and make sure it's written received from your name. And of cos a lot more... too lengthy for me to write it here. Keep all text message that he verbally abuse you for example. All this will help you in your divorce case should he be unfaithful to you again.
    All the best to you!
    But pls protect yourself!
     
  39. charliz

    charliz New Member

    Got a bit of time today so decided to go thru the forum for tips and advices on child raising. Inevitably, I clicked on a few threads on cheating / abusive partner of course the guilty ones usually being the hubby.

    This account is shared between my wife and myself.

    When I read thru some of the threads here. I noticed a sickening trend here. A confused / sad one seeking advices from the community. Very quickly, ladies will start posting notes like "leave him immediately, because he's a *insert insults here*. Followed by the "Be strong girl, we're here for you, sister" thing. Frankly speaking, I don't think you're helping the one seeking for advices. How much do you know of the whole situation? For goodness sake, you don't even know this person posting the msg, and yet you immediately jump on the bandwagon and dished up the "leave him pls" thing after reading her story albeit a one-sided one...

    The kids are the innocent parties, it could be because of your impulsive views, the confused one took up all the "hang in there sister" views and the poor kids end up in a broken family.

    So being the "odd one" here, I will give my personal view from a guy's perspective to this issue here.

    Dear Joanne,

    I hope you won't be swayed by the many "leave him now" views here. I have a 16 months old boy myself. And as usual, marriage is always going to be a difficult journey for any couple especially one with kids.

    From the way I read your post, you're a mother who really thinks for your kids.

    Yes, a cheating partner is a bitter pill to swollen let alone one who had cheated more than once...

    May I suggest that you seek professional help. Probably a counselling session might be beneficial. There are a couple of such services offered in Singapore such as Fei Yue. The couple must be honest and candid about the whole situation instead of getting defensive and guarded.

    Try to put the thoughts of divorce to the last resort. If possible, seek the other girl out with your husband. Talk it out, see what your husband wants, what you want, and what she wants. Again everyone should be honest and try not to be defensive.

    Unless, your husband do not love you and the kids anymore, if not there're always hopes. Let him know what you seek in this marriage and hear him out too. Then you take it from there.

    That's my advice to you. Last but not least, be strong and take care. Your kids still need you.
     
  40. redqueen

    redqueen New Member

    The sickening trend is all caused by male being unfaithful. This is Motherhood Forum. What is a guy doing here reading this. We never go to post condeming remarks in sammyboy forum. So men please keep offending remarks to yourself.
     
  41. missycandy

    missycandy Active Member

    in all fairness, it may be a motherhood forum but i dont see why it only has to be for females... sometimes its good to get the males pov also... this is an open forum and when you post, be prepared for criticism, bad remarks and good supportive ones... [​IMG]

    anyway, joanne, wish you all the best! mummies are the most Wei Da [​IMG]
     
  42. charliz

    charliz New Member

    JTML,

    First of all, being unfaithful is not "exclusive" to male only. In fact, there're increasing trend of women straying. Well, that's a different matter altogether.

    Secondly, I don't mean to make any offending remarks here. All I did was to tell the ladies who tend to post messages like "leave him now" without knowing anything other than the story the person wrote is not exactly helping the situation. It's simply adding fuel to fire. See, most of the ladies who asked for advices are usually very confused. And kids are usually involved. Seeing kids growing up in an incomplete family is a painful sight. Therefore, I urged all to give constructive advices rather than "dump him now". Divorce with kids suffering should really be the last resort.

    Thirdly, not all men visit Sammyboy forum, you know... There are men who are hands-on father who used this forum for its informative tips on educations, upbringing, etc.

    That's it, I will reply up to here rather than letting this degenerate into a meaningless flame war.

    [​IMG]
     
  43. wendy_reborn

    wendy_reborn Member

    cheating men will never understand what the wife go thru.
     
  44. september

    september Active Member

    wendy,

    i will say tat in fact no one in the world truly understand another person de....nt even mother and child or identical twin lor....let alone hb and wife.

    when someone cheat, there are always push and pull factor involved de. and the excuse the cheater will used is tat he / she unable to find the someting they want in their partner but instead of resolving their issue, they choose to 'run away' from it and seek the missing part outside.

    why some wifes or hbs choose to forgive and continue the marriage...no one know and no one will fully understand likewise for those who choose to divorce too.

    whatever is it, once u make up ur mind and make the decision, make sure it is one tat u will nt regret in future.
     
  45. sashamama

    sashamama Active Member

    Hi Joanne,

    How are you getting on with your husband? I think firmness from you and complete honesty and commitment from him would help. Ensure his phone is always in the open and he has nothing to hide. The moment he starts hiding, that is the first sign.

    You must be brave and strong and persist, so long as he is trying, there is always hope.

    Noone here can tell you when to give up. The threshold of every woman is different, situation of every marriage is different, and extent of hubby's unfaithfulness is different.

    Anytime you need support, do post and we'd be here.

    Take care, gal [​IMG]
     
  46. jojolpp

    jojolpp Member

    Hi all, our relationship are getting better. He has been spending lots of time with the family nw. He put his HP on the table and i can view anytin time i wan but seldom check la. Hope it will last long.....
     
  47. panababylon

    panababylon New Member

    Divorce him! Yo can find a better one! Get monthly pension from him from the law!
     
  48. panababylon

    panababylon New Member

    U forgive him so mnay times, your children will find out in the future one day.. You are indirectly teaching them that 'adultery is ok! there's always forgive & forget!'
     
  49. crab

    crab Member

    Hi Joanne,

    Im sooo very happy for you... Itz a good start all over again.

    I hope u will constantly posts good news to us. If there are some minor hiccups, dont give up... coz i feel that People dont change overnight... He may ride off the line a little but you must be quick enuff to try to get him back on track.

    Jia You... Jia You....
     
  50. crab

    crab Member

    i still advice to go counselling lor
     
  51. pink_piglet

    pink_piglet Active Member

    Hi I happened to read through ur post, really thumb up for u! I don't think u r stupid at all though if I were u I will felt the same. Love is blind. A fren of mine ever told me these... if you love a person to hv to except who he is. However if u know where's your limit then it's time to let go. You just need to know how to take care n love yourself more.

    Do wt u think it's best for you cause nobody would understand your problems n urself the best. Good luck n I hope your dh will understand your ku xing n treasure your love for him.
     
  52. xsun

    xsun Member

    i've been married for 13 yrs. there's no 3rd party. but hb juz ask for divorce. i asked him 'are u sure tatz wat u wan?' he replied,'yes! a million times yes!'

    so there u have it. im gg to be 1 of those divorce statistics the media keep reporting.

    relationship is so complicated now. where's the 'bai tuo xie lao' part??

    aw, i wish all the best to all the mummies here watever ur path/choice may be.

    we may not agree with some choices others make, but then we dun live their lives either so cant be judgemental. but for mummies, itz double whammy cos we still have to consider our children's feelings.

    i told my boy, itz juz gonna be mummy and you now. we hug and cried together and he said 'itz alrite,i love u mummy'. he's only 4yo.

    i will NEVER,ever understand why a father will gv up his own flesh and blood.

    goodluck, everybody!
     
  53. koli

    koli Member

    Hi Sungrapes,
    it hurts me when u said ur son and u hugged and he tolld u he loves u. It's so touching.
    Pls take care. There r 101 kinda of father. But definitely yours is gonna regret for giving up on u and ur son. Be strong for the sake of ur son. Bring him up to be a good man. All the best ok?
     
  54. luvmyslf

    luvmyslf New Member

    hi, joanne,

    Happened to browse thru tis thread. Its veri couraging of u to give yr hb 7th chance! Since u alr given him tis chance, i wun wanna say more on his sins. even if now he is turning a new leaf, forgiving him doesnt mean forgetting. If any case he commit another sin again, pls be firm, divorce him, get yr life on wit yr kids. I am a divorcee wit 2 kids, i found out my ex commited his sin when our 2nd child is less than 6 mths. I immediately divorce him, anyway he nv ask for 2nd chance. To think i have alot of hardship in our marriage make me unable to forgive him. I hold sole custody of my children. Now i had remarried n had a 3rd child. Juz wanna say, be strong, there is alway way out.
     
  55. bananarama

    bananarama New Member

    Hi joanne I hope things are going well with you and that your husband has truly changed his ways.

    I went through a bad patch in my marriage a few years ago too. Our son was only a few months old then. Besides adjusting to motherhood, I had to deal with the heartbreak of being cheated on. No words can explain how difficult it was for me and there were times I really wanted to give up. At that time, I had quit my job to be stay home mum, so I really felt I had sacrificed everything.

    We talked about divorce but decided to stay together for the sake of our child and wanted to try to work it out. But he continued to see that other woman for months. He kept denying and lying about it, but I found evidence like a receipt in his pants pocket, or some sms from her. It was like this for months, my emotions were like yoyo, up and down.

    To cut a long story short, we finally managed to work things out. We realised that we had drifted apart and had other problems that we didn't resolve and instead always sweep under the carpet.

    It took a lot of time and heartache and effort, but we got through it and now we have 2 kids and are closer than before.

    At that time, one of my close friends told me I should leave him. She said it's not the cheating. Everyone makes mistakes. But she said it was how he handled it after that. Instead of being really repentant and ending the affair, he continued to see that woman and lied to me about it for so many months. And when I confronted him about it, he got defensive and started finding fault with me and saying mean things to me.

    I'm not saying that it's ok for him to have done that to me. Of course not. But I think sometimes we need to make the decision ourselves instead of listening to others. No one knows the situation better than you. I never thought that I would be able to tolerate and forgive my husband for cheating on me. But I did. Mainly for my child at first. But also because I felt that there was still hope and I could see he still loved me. And now looking back, I am glad I stayed on.

    I don't know how you managed to stay on with your husband after he cheated 6 times. For me, this 1 affair was so painful, I cannot imagine going through it again.

    I just want to wish you all the best and I hope this time he really learnt his lesson. Maybe it's because you finally put your foot down and ask for divorce. And it finally made him wake up instead of taking you for granted.

    But from personal experience, I would advise you to continue to keep your eyes and ears open. Don't let him think he can get away with it again. He must treat you with love, honesty and respect. Don't expect any less. But at the same time, don't keep using this to 'control' him because you don't want him to stay with you out of guilt. Make sure you also regularly spend some time with each other without the kids.

    I wish you all the best. Hope it will work out for you.
     
  56. melodyvin

    melodyvin New Member

    Hi, Joanne. I have the same problem as you. Im lost n dun know what to do. I have two kids. Age 6, 4 years. My hubby told me he has broke up with her. He do not want to divorce but i believe he still with that woman.
     
  57. newlife2010

    newlife2010 New Member

    Melody, I was like u. He think he is smart enough to hide from me. But in the end, I found out the truth with the help from a PI. He have no choice but to admit.
     
  58. bananarama

    bananarama New Member

    Hi Melody, a friend of mine also went through same thing. Her husband had affair then broke it off. She thought everything was ok, but 1 year later she found that he was seeing another woman. He ended it but got back together with the first woman, the one that he really liked! Apparently the second one was just a distraction so that he could get over the first one. Very messy.

    Anyway she said he didn't want a divorce, that he loves her and the kids. But she suspected that he was still with the woman. She later found evidence he was still having affair and he admitted he couldn't get over that woman. He said he felt stuck because he love his wife and family, but also in love with this woman.

    They decided not to divorce for the kids' sake. They started going for counselling a few months ago and it seem to help. The counsellor told my friend that she must be firm. If hubby continues to lie and cheat, she must be prepared for temporary separation so that the hubby will know what it feels like to lose his wife and kids. If not, he will continue to enjoy best of both worlds, for as long as possible.

    So you must be strong. Don't let your husband think that you will close one eye. So try to do your checks, find out if he is still with that woman. And if you confirm it, tell him you cannot tolerate this. If possible, have a temporary separation and at the same time, both of you should go for counselling. Try to work it out. Don't threaten divorce but be firm.

    Hang in there. I hope it works out for you.
     
  59. lilacz

    lilacz Active Member

    Bananarama, my situation was similar to yours. The affair started when my child was few months old too. He claimed the changes in our life was too great with the kid, and he wasnt happy at work. Like you, we continued in the marriage and i stayed cuz of the kid. Each time i thought it was over, i found out he is still seeing her. This gone on for about 2yrs... with him showing great repentance yet commit again. Finally, i decided since he cannot commit to me again, i called the woman and scolded her. Thought just wana vent out the years of frustrations and call my marriage quit. Not sure to believe or not, my hubby said the woman was so angry she created havoc for him at his workplc and thats the end for them.

    Its been 10months since the last incident happened. I do not know if i can still trust him anymore, but since i have decided to stay for my kid, i know i have to try. I thought of having a 2nd kid, hoping things can start afresh from there yet very scare as my marriage started to have problems since my child was born. Im afraid that i cannot cope with 2 kids should anything happen in my marriage again.Can you share how do you have the courage to have another child? How do you know things have ended once and for all?

    My love for this man has dwindled into almost nothing, cuz the years of betrayal made me too tired. Right now im staying for my kid, but im also praying that my love for him can rekindle again. Initially i want him to do everything to woo my feelings for him back again, but i read from a book, if we decided to stay and forgive, we cannot expect anything from the betrayer, wanting him to do things for us. We have to deal with the forgiveness within ourselves.

    Hope all who has been through this rough patch will be happy again some day.
     
  60. mtyh

    mtyh Member

    source: internet

    俗話說的好: 再好的魚肉吃多了,也還是想嚐嚐大白菜的味道;再好的老婆處久了,也還是想知道別的女人的風韻。所以,如果你下了決心勾引我老公,而我老公也上鉤了,我一點也不覺得奇怪。

    人生不能想,一想就流淚。我們有我們每個人的事業,只是為了更好的生存,我們不能天天在一起,我們不能時刻都讓對方滿意。距離產生的美反而讓我們無法分開,他說他願意在任何一個場合跟任何一個人說,老婆為我做了很多,我永遠不會拋棄她。人說愛是自私的,可是愛也是高尚的,愛的最高境界不是佔有,如果我愛他,我選擇盡一切可能讓他感覺幸福。

    男人經不起誘惑,尤其是美麗女人的誘惑,我老公也是個凡人,經不起。

    我窮其一生追求的只是他對我的心意,不是任何一種內容和形式。如果你勾引了他,而他發現你就是他一生要找的另一半,我為什麼非要橫在中間?

    如果你不是,他終究會回到我的身邊。我了解並能容忍他的任何一個致命的弱點,我們一起經歷了風風雨雨的見證,有誰能像我一樣始終站在他生命最低谷的邊緣?

    我正專心的看電視,他突然說:“我們離婚吧”。他很嚴肅,不像是跟我開玩笑。浮上我腦海的第一個念頭是:他肯定抄股虧大了,或者是得了絕症,怕連累我。我堅決的搖頭,油然而生一股要跟他共患難的豪情。


    他的第二句話將我打入地獄:“我愛上別人了,對不起。”

    “什麼時候?”我努力沉住氣。

    “半年了,是旅行認識的,她是導遊,很單純,人又熱情。”也許意識到自己讚美的詞語用的過多,他剎住了,愧疚的看著我。

    “有多愛?”“十分愛。”

    我沒有再問下去,問的太細只會讓自己傷的更深,不如給自己留點顏面。

    回憶跟他在一起的日子,我們很幸福。可是,既然人家已經喜新厭舊,我幹嗎死不放手呢?我長長吐了一口氣:“一切就按你的意思辦吧。有人能將你這個禍害從我身邊領走,我真是感激不盡。”他驚訝的看著我,他知道我並不是一個心胸豁達的女人。

    “其實我對你也有審美疲勞。”你把我看的輕如鴻毛,就別指望自己還是我心中的泰山。

    他深感愧疚,決定把家裡的一切留給我和孩子。

    離婚前,他約我一起吃飯,幾杯酒下肚,他的話多了起來,他說,他希望得到我的祝福,他還主動說起那個女孩,她朝氣蓬勃,跟她在一起,他有被點燃的感覺。想起自己曾經也年輕漂亮,朝氣蓬勃,也曾經那樣吸引他,我與那個,只是隔了十年的光陰,卻被明顯貼上了舊愛與新歡的標籤。

    “她很天真,一點小事也能讓她感到滿足,跟她去購物,抽獎得了一塊香皂;帶她去吃北京餃子;送她一塊20元的電子表,給她買一個土渣兒餅.. ....她都會欣喜若狂。跟她在一起,我很放鬆,我可以抽煙抽的屋子裡一股煙味,我可以玩通宵麻將,跟朋友拼酒......”他陶醉在自己的幸福里,滿眼的溫柔。

    而我,像所有的黃臉婆一樣,精打細算,過問他每一筆開銷,買雙襪子都要貨比三家。我不許他抽煙,禁止他喝酒,更反對他吆三喝四的賭博。

    “和她在一起,我感覺心跳加速,幹什麼都充滿力量。”他顯然已有幾分醉意。

    我打斷他:“從此以後,我不再是你的黃臉婆,不再是你不用支付工資的用人。我可以節省為你熨衣服配領帶的時間,來打扮自己;我可以節省下為你買衣物的錢,給自己挑幾件拿的出手的時裝;我可以不用絞盡腦汁地搜索魚的N種做法,不用討好你的胃,想吃飯我就做,不想做飯,我可以帶女兒去吃快餐;我可以不再擔心你抽煙傷了肺,喝酒傷了肝;我不再為你洗吐的一塌糊塗的被單;不用在你醉了酒,睡在街邊某個角落時,一邊哭一邊滿大街的找;我可以不用再操心你老家的親戚今天誰做壽,明天誰娶媳婦,不用再每個月給你爸媽寄生活費;不用每年跟你坐半天的車,提著大包小包走十多里山路,只為陪你父母吃頓年夜飯.....是啊,離婚,真是太好了!”

    說完這些,我淚如泉湧,而他則楞楞的看著我,我一直都表現的很冷靜,可是,一點酒精就把我的內心出賣了。三十多歲的女人,誰不在乎自己經營多年的婚姻?我又笑起來:“離吧,離了看你得意多久,你十分愛她是吧?她也十分愛你是吧?走到一起後,一起生活幾年,看你還會不會見到她就心跳加速,她現在能給你的都是十年前我給過你的,你就折騰去吧!等你折騰夠了就會發現,你只是把我們走過的路又重複走了一遍而已。 ”

    “你醉了?”他有些緊張的看著我。

    “我沒有天真單純過嗎?我沒有年輕美麗過嗎?我把你送的一隻銅戒指、一本書、一枚書籤視若珍寶,冒著嚴寒為你織手套。我也十分愛過,可是走進婚姻,女人的角色就複雜了,在愛的同時,有了很多責任。她不可能再十分專注的愛一個人,她要從這十分愛中分出一分愛公公婆婆,又要從中分出一分來愛自己的父母,還要從中分一分來愛孩子。十分的愛經過婚姻的洗禮,就只剩下了七分。當另一份十分的愛襲擊她的幸福時,她就無以抵擋......”

    拉著小姐的手,一股暖流湧心頭;拉著情人的手,酸甜苦辣樣樣有;拉著老婆的手,等於左手摸右手”,左手右手都是自己的手,老婆畢竟是自己的左右手,用刀劃破自己的左臂右膀時,痛的不正是自己嗎?

    最終,他堅持不要離婚。

    我問,原因了?

    他說,你清醒的時候沒有醉酒的時候理智,也沒有醉酒的時候聰明,你把我罵醒了。的確啊,這個家是來之不易的,不會有人比你更了解我,也不會有人能代替你在孩子心目中的位置的。我努力打拼了這麼久換來的美滿家庭,我差點親手毀掉。老婆,對不起!原來最愛我的人,一直都在我身邊,原來不能沒有對方的人,是我。

    愛,不是做愛;愛,是想和她睡覺,相伴一生的枕邊人! 」

    謝謝某人,勾引我老公。

    謝謝某人,讓我老公知道,他最愛的人是誰。
     

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